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It appears we've reached the end of the line, and this episode knows it. They throw in the kitchen sink and move at a brisk pace tonight, beginning with David's surprisingly quick opening of a new club after he just purchased Coal. At such an attention-grabbing stunt, of course you're bound to get the wrong kind of attention. Morgan is still actively stalking David, and she's getting quite good at doing it in front of Lauren, whom David is beginning to warm up to again. David can't just shrug Morgan off anymore, because she has now told her father all about him. Daddy makes it clear that if David hurts Morgan, dad will hurt David. That's not such a big deal, but when David tries to reconcile with Lauren, Morgan jumps in and tries to claim David right in front of Lauren. He's not having that. David admits everything about stealing from Morgan's family and having to sleep with her and declares his love for Lauren, leaving Morgan smoldering. She tells her dad the whole truth this time, which leads him to threaten David -- and when David refuses to yield -- he also threatens to hurt Lauren. What does Dangerous Dad want? He wants David to do some burglarizing for him. The cat burglar cycle never ends with this guy.
There's another ill-fated attempt at reconciliation. Two in one episode! Jonah and Riley go to a college reunion together after Jonah goes back to her apartment to gather up the last of his things, symbolizing the ultimate end of their relationship. They get to reminiscing, and the whole episode it's just a big "Guh, shut up, you two. Nobody cares about the times you shared together." Their special past together is reinforced by former classmates who can't believe they are no longer together. It all culminates in the two of them sharing a nostalgic kiss when they get back home. Jonah wants to get back together, but Riley has moved on. She ends up being the one with the guts to say it's really over. Jonah has to sulk back to Ella, but he at least musters more spine than usual and admits what he did. Ella leaves him. Riley goes through the same confessional with Drew, but his reaction is a bit different. He takes the opportunity to suggest Riley leave him since he hasn't got long to live. What? He has one of Dr. Mancini's poisonous heart valves in him. Oh, I get it; he's so full of life because he's dying. That's what this ridiculous character has been all about. Way to keep that one close to the chest, guys.
Drew's investigation into those deadly heart valves leads him to confront Michael directly, since we all know Lauren can't be counted on for shit. Dr. Mancini seems receptive to investigating further, but really he just wants to draw Drew in so he can get rid of him and protect himself. He frames Drew for stealing Oxycontin, and Drew's removed by security right in front of Lauren as he raves like a lunatic for her to stop Michael. She does just that. Right as they're about to perform another surgery which would implant a heart valve, Lauren takes off her surgical mask and contaminates the operating room to prevent the surgery from taking place. She announces to all the present doctors what is going on with the heart valves. How dramatic. She should announce her former hooker life, too.
Now for the story we all thought we would be getting when Amanda Woodward returned: Ella versus Amanda. We start with Amanda's anticipated firing of Ella, complete with a bitch slap after Ella calls Amanda a desperate and washed-up bitch. Hell yeah! Ella goes in search of Jonah at Riley's to lick her wounds and instead finds Sydney's painting. She recognizes it and realizes she has the proper weapon of mass blackmail now. She goes to Amanda and makes some demands in exchange for the painting. First, she wants her name cleared of the embezzling charges, and she wants her own firm financed with Amanda's money. They reach an agreement, but Amanda reneges on it after getting her hands on the painting and selling it. There was some fine print in their contract, which stated Amanda could terminate the agreement at her discretion. Ella anticipates this and has some photos she snapped of Amanda trafficking the painting. She has the FBI come and arrest Amanda and assumes Amanda's role as head of (Formerly W)PK. Ella: 1, Amanda: 0. Amanda vows revenge, but we all know this show is over.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Well, it appears our time together has come to an end, my friends. Let's not be sad. Let's cherish the good times we've had. Like remember the time in season one when Sydney got murdered? Or back in season one when we had a cook as a main character? And I know I'll never forget in season one when Ashley Simpson-Wentz had crazy eyes. One day, we'll all look back on this and laugh. Then we'll cry together, thinking of what might've been and how we all wasted 18 hours of our lives on this thing.
The Complex Pool. Lauren, all alone with her hooker self, swims laps. Most likely trying not to think about where her life went so wrong. It was probably when she started having sex for money. She was a prostitute.
Sweaty Ella and Jonah collapse to each other in bed after they finish getting it on. Shudder. Jonah wants Ella to be his date to a college mixer so he can show her off, but Amanda's going to be back in the office, so that's a negative from Ella. Ella's dreading the outcome of facing the mighty Woodward. Jonah gives Ella a pep talk about dealing with the situation. He says Amanda has never faced Ella Simms before. That's right. She's dealing with her derivative. Shake in your designer boots, Amanda! SHAKE!
Drew makes crappy breakfast for Riley in the Usurped Love Nest. Riley informs Drew that Jonah will be coming by to pick up the last of his stuff and move into Violet's old place. Drew quips that he'll miss the killer comic book collection. Hi-larious. Riley points out she'll miss all the art on the walls since it all belongs to Jonah. Ah, but Drew has a solution. He hurries off to a closet and pulls out a tiny painting. This couldn't be... could it? It's Sydney's painting! Thank God somebody found that damn thing! Drew says it's not much, but it's a start for their art collection. Riley's particularly fond of Sydney's work.
Cut to Amanda on the phone saying she can have the painting to her dealer today. She hangs up and suddenly there's Sydney. But Sydney's dead! Dead Sydney is particularly catty to Amanda. She asks if Amanda had to sleep with Auggie after tracking him down to get him to tell her where the painting was. Amanda's pretty calm about the fact she's hallucinating. "You're not real. Go away." She adds that she's not a perpetual screw-up like Sydney, and she gets what she wants. Amanda pops some pills and starts to walk out. Dead Sydney calls after her, advising her not to be so cocky, and disappears.
Lauren towels off after getting out of the pool. David shows up and Lauren hints she wishes she had been swimming with him. She fixes the awkwardness by bringing up the fact tonight is some sort of big opening night for David at Coal. Sounds like Coal is expanding into a night club. David asks if Lauren will be going, and Lauren hesitates, thinking he might not have wanted her there. He wants all his friends there, he says. Lauren's upset she's just a friend. David can't forget what she did every time she was paged late at night and, frankly, neither can I. Lauren says if she had it to do over she'd drop out of med school, which completely sounds out of character for her. She admits she screwed up and they hug. David leaves Lauren to go tend to his business. She looks after him, emotionally distraught.
Ella walks into WPK. She looks up from her texting to see Amanda standing ominously at her office window in a fabulous pose with her arms folded, overlooking all her peons. Ella goes straight up to Amanda's office to say it's nice to see her back even though she has no idea where she went. Amanda's very aware Ella broke into her office. She found a couture button and a blonde hair by her computer. "I could tell by the split-end it wasn't mine." Straight busted. Amanda asks if Ella fancies herself a "Prada ninja," which at this point might -- despite its awesomeness -- not even be an idea which could save this show. Ella doesn't understand why after being so fiercely loyal to Amanda, she is now being her patsy. The only reason Amanda is able to offer up is that Ella's track record of moral dubiousness would lend her to being profiled as a serial embezzler. Ella: "How did I ever look up to such a desperate, washed-up bitch?" Amanda slaps Ella and fires her. Where the fuck has this been?!
We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our title card
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Riley sits in the Former Love Nest playing with Jonah's toys. Ella walks in, looking for Jonah. She's distraught, and that's probably the only reason why she shares with Riley she's been fired. "Wow, Ella, I know that job was, like, your life." Not helping, Riles. After a little more awkward consolation, Ella spots Sydney's painting and immediately perks up. She asks Riley about it to verify it's what she thinks it is. Ella asks if she can have it. She lies that she wants something to remember Sydney by. Riley has to remind Ella they hated each other, but never mind that. Riley finally gives in and lets Ella take the painting. Ella hugs her.
At ULA, Drew starts his goofy half-flirting with Lauren. Drew asks if she's going to David's club. Lauren thinks not, but Drew thinks David won't give up on her. Lauren has had about enough of Drew, as I'm sure most of us have, so she says she has to go to surgery. Of course, she has to mention she'll be inserting one of those dangerous Dr. Mancini heart valves into her patient, which sets Drew off. He wants her to stop the surgery. He suggests Lauren lie and say the patient has a fever to delay it, which would be plenty unethical in Lauren's opinion -- you know, overlooking the whole letting the patient die thing. Lauren isn't budging, since she feels Drew has no concrete evidence. This is so stupid. Drew, can you share your findings with someone who isn't a hooker, please?
Former Love nest. Riley and Jonah sort through Jonah's junk and they start reminiscing. They find the first birthday card she ever gave him and they read it together. I feel I should mention Jonah is wearing one of his patented hipster douche T-shirts, which reads, "Your mom goes to college." Speaking of college, Riley wants to know if Jonah is going to the NYU mixer. They plan to carpool so as not to be "environmentally unconscious." This isn't foreboding at all.
Ella puts on huge Playtex gloves to tackle Dead Sydney's painting. She reveals the $19 million painting underneath and the show's editor freaks out, cutting back and forth between odd angled shots of Ella smiling to herself. Awww... freak out!
Commercials.
We're at the NYU mixer. Jonah and Riley walk together and take notice of former classmates who don't looks as nice as they did at graduation. Jonah gives an awkward compliment to Riley that she looks even better now. They find Jonah's director friend Zac and shoot the shit a bit about both their film successes. Zac asks Riley if she's proud of Jonah, which is a tiny bit awkward, but oh well. Then Zac's girlfriend shows up, who is supposed to be his ex-girlfriend as far as J & R know. The two are indeed back together and Zac credits J & R as their inspiration for their reconciliation. And when things couldn't get any more awkward, Zac and his lady ask when the wedding will be. There's uncomfortable stammering until Jonah admits they've broken up. "That's impossible," the shocked couple insists. Riley tries to assume blame, but Jonah steps in and just chalks it up to people changing. He slurps on his beer while Zac and his girlfriend stand there with their jaws hanging down.
ULA. Drew catches Dr. Mancini in the halls to tell him his theory about Michael's life's work being a deadly failure. Michael is defensive at first but then suddenly receptive. He says he'll cancel surgery and wants to see Drew's research. SO HE CAN BURN IT!
Coal. A waitress tells David somebody at a nearby table insists on seeing him. It's Morgan and her father. Aww crap. Morgan: "Guess what? I told my dad... everything." Aww crap. Morgan's dad tells David to have a seat. He seems impressed David isn't some bad boy covered in tattoos and he is running a restaurant, something he seems to know is quite grueling. Morgan excuses herself to take a phone call and leaves them alone to talk. Dad makes sure David knows not to make Morgan upset, or he'll wish he never met her. Uh... too late. And just for good measure so we know dad means business, he leaves David with: "Good steak." Damn right that's good steak.
Amanda enters an empty apartment and begins snooping around. Ella appears in the doorway behind her. "Now who's the Prada ninja?" Amanda explains herself by saying Jane gave her the master key so she could check on pilot lights. Clever girl. Just like the velociraptor in Jurassic Park. Ella messes with Amanda a little bit. She asks if she'd be interested in a painting of some Dutch guy in a goofy hat she happened to find and was planning to sell on Craigslist. "What do you want, Ella?" Ella smirks.
Commercials.
Ella shows off the painting. Amanda feebly reaches for it and Ella snatches it away from her reach. Ella begins making demands. First, she wants her name cleared of embezzlement charges. A clever wide shot here shows Ella's height in comparison to Amanda. Second, Ella asks for financing for her own publicity firm in Beverly Hills. She'll take her best clients with her. Amanda agrees to everything. Ella will give her the painting after all the paperwork is done. Check mate?
Riley and Jonah are still at the NYU mixer looking at a gallery of old photos from their college days. One of them is of the two of them sharing some pizza together. The reminiscing just won't stop. Why is this happening? They find Zac again, studying a photo of him and Jonah after a particularly epic beer pong win. Zac turns to them and asks if they ever wish they could go back to freshman year. Riley immediately says yes. That catches Jonah's attention. Zac excuses himself and Jonah turns to Riley to say he'd do something differently. He'd appreciate what he had. Oh no.
Lauren's at her hospital locker. Drew shows up and is quite pleased with himself for getting through to Dr. Mancini. Lauren finds it odd Michael didn't put up a fight against Drew's flimsy findings. Drew continues to congratulate himself when security shows up to inspect his locker. Drew's cool about the whole thing because he knows he's got nothing to hide, but inside they find oxycodone. They take Drew away and restrain him as he yells to Lauren to stop Mancini. He's crazy, I tell ya.
David's doing his thing at Coal, preparing for the club's opening. Morgan sort of just walks in past the bouncers. David leads her straight to the bar to try for the umpteenth time to break up with the girl he's not really dating. Morgan says her dad loved David, but David insists it doesn't matter and he can't be with her. Morgan wonders if it's because of Lauren. She heard Lauren's confession. "Can't believe I'm going head-to-head with a whore." I love this girl. Why can't David date her, again? David takes offense. "Don't call her that! She was only doing that to pay for school!" Ha! At least date a stripper, dude. Morgan just asks for some time to make David see that he wants her. She doesn't mind competition.
Jonah and Riley come home and sit on a couch together. The end of their day of nostalgia is fast approaching. Jonah thinks he has all of his stuff and is ready to go. Riley seems to want to prolong the search -- you know, just to make sure he got everything. They stand up together and awkwardly say goodbye. They awkwardly try to hug and, naturally, they awkwardly kiss. I awkwardly cringe.
Commercials.
The former lovebirds are still finishing up their kiss. Riley is freaked out about what they just did, while Jonah thinks it feels right. He wants to go back to how things were before their engagement. Where have I heard this before? "What about Ella?" asks Riley. Jonah knows she's not the one. Relationships aren't screenplays, he says through tears. You can't just write in the ending. Riley is crying, too. Oh... oh, dear. Don't do this. Not now. Don't make me like you guys! Riley says things are different now and puts a stop to the potential reunion. Wait a minute... Riley saving the day? What is going on here?! Jonah persists. Riley says what they had was special, but she doesn't want what she wanted then. Jonah takes a step back as he realizes it's really over. Riley can only say she's sorry, and Jonah has to walk away defeated. We cut to a shot from outside the Former Love Nest looking in the window from behind Riley as Jonah picks up his things and leaves. Camera pulls back from a motionless Riley as Jonah walks across the foreground behind her .
Lauren's having a moral dilemma as they prep for surgery. As the procedure's about to begin, she goes up to Dr. Mancini to try the lie about the patient having a fever. He says he just checked the patient's temperature and it was fine. All out of options, Lauren takes off her mask and contaminates the operating room. She announces to the room Drew's findings about the heart valve releasing toxins and killing patients. Mancini tries to blame her outburst on him planning to remove her from his team, but Lauren says it's a lie and she's just trying to save the patient's life. What a buzzkill.
Ella's ordering shots for herself at the Coal bar. David finds her and tries to comp everything for her but she insists on paying for everything. Drew and Riley find David. As does Jonah. There's congratulations all around, and Ella gets up to ask Jonah if he and Riley made nice. Oh, if you only knew, Elle. Jonah takes her aside to break it to her he kissed Riley. Ella's devastated. Jonah clarifies he and Riley won't get back together as Ella simmers a bit, but it's no use. Ella thanks him for making her realize she can be in a real relationship, just not with him. Good for you, Ella.
Amanda comes home with a briefcase full of cash. Dead Sydney sits across from her. In true ghostly apparition fashion, she warns Amanda she won't be happy with just money and no one to share it with. "Look where I ended up." She vanishes.
Back at Club Coal. Lauren walks around and Drew finds her. He grabs her in a huge hug for pulling through on stopping the surgery."So I'm not a total idiot after all?" Lauren: "Now, don't get carried away." David finds them and he and Lauren branch off to hug their hellos and talk about David's success tonight. They begin to share a moment when Morgan swoops in and plants a kiss on David right in front of Lauren. She introduces herself to a shocked Lauren as his girlfriend. Lauren is confused as David tries to deny what Morgan's saying. She says that's not what he said when they were making love. Ack! Lauren storms off. David gives chase to continue the denial and admits he broke into the girl's mansion to be able to afford the restaurant. He admits he slept with her to keep her quiet about it and it was a mistake. Lauren agrees it's a mistake. Just when all seems lost, David hypothesizes they're both far from perfect, but they're perfect for each other. "I love you, Lauren." Yay, score one for hypocrites! They kiss. Morgan watches with daggers for eyes.
Commercials.
Jonah drives onto the set of his very own film and meets his production assistant. In stereotypical PA fashion, the kid is talking a mile-a-minute to tell Jonah as quickly as possible what the status of everything is. Jonah's just taking it all in and lets him know all he needs is for him to call him Jonah. Jonah finds his director's chair with his name on it and smiles.
Lauren and David wake up in a naked embrace in his bed. David wants to take her out somewhere special tonight when he gets back from Coal. Don't you love happy endings?
Drew brings Riley coffee in bed. Riley needs to be honest with him and Drew knows exactly what that means. She admits she and Jonah kissed. Drew thinks immediately Jonah instigated, but Riley admits it was mutual, but it proved to her she's ready to move on. Drew wants to give her the opportunity to get out of this relationship with him before things get more serious. Riley doesn't quite follow why. Drew reveals he has a heart defect and he has one of Mancini's valves in him. He doesn't know how long he has to live. What will we ever do without Drew? He's been such a staple of this show.
David is alone in the kitchen at Coal. Morgan's dad sneaks up behind him and sucker punches him. He grabs a kitchen knife and threatens David with it. He knows now David stole from him. Instead of killing David or letting him pay him back, he wants him to work for him. He produces a perfectly spy-type picture of Lauren. You know it's a spy picture because Lauren is getting into a car and looks like she has no idea where she is or that there's someone snapping a photo of her. Dangerous Dad threatens to hurt her if David doesn't do a job for him tonight. Old habits die hard, Dave.
Ella cheerfully walks into WoodwardPK. She goes into Amanda's office to pick up her check. The problem with that is Amanda changed her mind. Whaaa? Apparently Ella didn't read the contract, which had in fine print that it would be rendered null and void at Amanda's discretion. The scene begins to intercut with police cars arriving at WPK. Ella did, in fact, read the fine print, so she knew to take some photos of Amanda meeting with her dealer for the painting as back-up leverage. She pulls out her phone and offers to show Amanda since she has the "fastest 3G you can get." Close-up on Ella's AT&T phone. Product-placed vomit. With Amanda headed to prison, P and K of Formerly WPK will be putting Ella in charge of the LA office, she says. FBI agents barge into Amanda's office to arrest her for possession, transportation and selling of stolen art. Amanda to Ella: "You say you modeled your career after me. Studied my every move. Then you know this war is just the beginning." They take her away in front of everyone in WPK. Amanda stands in the exact same pose we saw Amanda in earlier, literally modeling herself after her idol. Close-up on Ella. She smirks to herself.
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Pablo G. is some guy who lives in San Antonio, Texas. Check him out at Space Monkeys!, Obscure Sports Reference, and follow him @PendejoJoe on Twitter.