Episode Report Card Pablo G: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Mulholland Deprive
By Pablo G | Season 1 | Episode 15 | Aired on 03.23.2010
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Tonight really tried my patience. Let's just get this over with as quickly as possible, guys.
Jonah has decided to take the initiative Ella was expecting after their night of passion. He's going the extra mile with candlelit dinners and holding hands. It's everything Ella has ever wanted from Jonah. Right? Actually, Ella completely freaks out at the prospect of doing couple things. It seems like all Ella really wants to do with Jonah is have frank discussions about their incompatibilities and then jump into bed with him. This trend becomes most apparent at a birthday party for producer Charlie Kitsis' dog. Seriously. Ella decides she'd rather go AWOL and schmooze with some high-profile agent guys instead of do the girlfriend thing with Jonah. Jonah finds Ella at the end of the night being very flirty with one of those guys and throws a hissy fit. Later, the two meet up at Coal and decide to solve the problem by having sex in a Mini Cooper. This is just not going to work out.
Speaking of not working out, Amanda and Ben's short-lived romance comes to a predictable end when Ben kisses Riley while on their business trip. Ben comes to the realization he and Amanda are not compatible. She's a cold, selfish kingpin and he's a geeky humanitarian. Who he thinks he is compatible with, however, is Riley. Ben tries to pull the switcheroo, but in the process Amanda's spy snaps photos of him and Riley making out hours after he dumped Amanda. Amanda takes the photos to Riley and plays a guilt trip on her, seeing as she's the one who got Riley the gig with Ben in the first place. What follows is the most ridiculous of Riley's moral outbursts yet. She rejects Ben's interest in her and his funding on the grounds that she wronged Amanda, who helped her get involved with Ben. What? Riley simply does not want money or a good guy, which is perfect because she really doesn't deserve either of those things at this point.
On to the blackmail break-up, Lauren promptly puts an end to her and David's relationship when David continues to be the perfect boyfriend. David presents her with a golden opportunity for the break-up by offering up his recently discovered secret that he is Noah's father as a possible reason why he feels Lauren is pulling away. Being dumped lights a fire under David's ass to try and buy Coal for some reason. Is owning a restaurant some sort of hooker aphrodisiac? The only way David can achieve this is by pulling off one more black-ops caper. He breaks into a house to steal a $1 million diamond, but gets caught in the act by the owner's hot daughter. The jig is up, right? Not at all; because the girl is willing to overlook David stealing $1 million from her family because he's so cute and she just wants to jump his bones right there on the spot. This is what we're dealing with now, people. David escapes, but not before inadvertently acquiescing to an IOU to sex the girl. He's able to make a deal to purchase Coal with the money he'll get from the diamond. "But at what cost?" I ask you. At what cost?! The cost of having to have sex with that girl. Way to take one for the team, David.
Amanda thinks she found that stupid painting she's looking for. She didn't. Besides that, Amanda only serves now as a punching bag for Ben's whims that sort of puffs itself out after taking a brutal beating. It's really sad to watch Amanda pretend she isn't being pushed around. She may have been able to pull a guilt trip on Riley to break her and Ben up, but that shouldn't have even worked. There's nothing more to see here.
Remember that new guy Drew? He's such a goofy douche bastard. He sings "Who Let the Dogs Out." Who. Let the dogs. Out. I will let myself out now.
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Pablo G. is some guy who lives in San Antonio, Texas. Check him out at Space Monkeys!, Obscure Sports Reference, and follow him @PendejoJoe on Twitter.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Tonight's episode starts off on a good note with a newly cut "Last Week on Melrose Place" clip, but it's all downhill from there, guys. If I'd known that in exchange for a new intro clip we would be subjected to what follows in the next hour, I would've just kept my mouth shut. We begin with some quick-hitting scenes. Not quite a montage. Not quite fully formed scenes...
...Ella comes home to find a candlelit dinner. Jonah announces Ella will come to know "Pasta a la Jonah." I think she's already come to know that, Jonah, if you catch my not-so-subtle drift. Ella's taken aback, but she acts interested in the "domestic" meal Jonah has prepared for her. They kiss.
At ULA there's a heated wheelchair race in progress between Drew and some other guy. The whole hospital seems to be enjoying it until Drew nearly crashes into an unaware Lauren who absent-mindedly walks into his path. For a hooker, Lauren is such a buzzkill.
Riley and Ben are exiting some sort of gala, dressed extravagantly. They're recounting their good time, which involved Riley putting her foot in her mouth in front of a former Congressman. It was only a matter of time before the government realized she has a real gift for the whole foot-in-mouth thing. Riley and Ben giggle to each other like this is passing period before study hall.
Back at ULA, Lauren is walking hastily to answer a page. She pulls back an ER bed curtain to find David waiting for her with a tray of chili burgers. He just thought she might like some real food for a change. How sweet. Lauren seems annoyed, but David smoothes it over by saying he paged her because he loves hearing his girlfriend's name over the PA. Aww... Too bad your dad's trying to blackmail her into dumping you, guy.
Jonah and Ella lie in bed together in their underwear, drinking wine. I predict we'll be seeing a lot of this post-coital lying in bed since actually watching Katie Cassidy and Michael Rady grope each other is somewhat repulsive. Jonah brings up that Charlie Kitsis invited him to attend his kid's second birthday party tomorrow and he'd like Ella to come with him. Ella doesn't think it's an event to take your publicist to. But it's an event to take your girlfriend to, Jonah hints. Be careful what you wish for on the monkey's claw, Ella.
ULA. Lauren still seems irritated about the unsolicited lunch date. David is all smiles, though, because he's decided he's going to make an offer on Coal, which is apparently now up for sale. Still not letting herself be impressed, Lauren starts getting up the courage to dump David but is interrupted by a page. She walks off, but David sighs like he knows what was about to happen.
Ben and Riley clink champagne glasses in the backseat of a limo, toasting their success. After a little bit of starry-eyed pillow talk (is it still pillow talk in a car? Seat cushion talk?), they meet halfway on a kiss.
Splooshy title card
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Back in the Stretch Limousine of Infidelity, Riley comes to her senses and breaks off the kiss. Um, Riles... that kiss is already way too far advanced to take back. What are you doing? Ben immediately apologizes for being too forward, but Riley assumes responsibility for maybe giving off signals. She's damn opposed to it, though, since he's involved with Amanda. She really seems to care that Amanda was the one who introduced her to Ben, as if that's somehow the worst part of all of this. He suggests they not let this incident undermine their professional relationship. Right.
Amanda catches David as he returns home to his apartment and pretends her mail got swapped with his. Once he has the front door open, she just sort of walks in uninvited and pretends to marvel at his art collection. David tries to drop hints that he wants her to leave, but not before Amanda's eyes fall on one particular painting. She asks about it, and it turns out it was painted by Sydney. Amanda seems pleased enough by this info and shows herself out.
Jonah, David and Drew are playing aquatic basketball in The Complex Pool. Wait... what? Pool basketball? Is this really what they were talking about when they said they were taking this show in a more fun direction after the hiatus? Drew begins to ask about the women of The Complex, particularly Riley. Wow. That's quite assuming of you, Forward von Hobeforebro. Drew asks Jonah if he and Riley are through and Jonah plays cool. A little too cool, if you ask me. Drew just assumes that he's moved on to Ella. Actually, Jonah sounds pretty excited about going to this kid's birthday party with her. The conversation shifts over to David and Lauren. David begins talking about his plans to ascend from the rank of "loser," which basically means he plans to be a loser who owns a crappy restaurant. He towels off and leaves. Jonah -- with the ball -- fakes out Drew by looking off in the distance: "Oh my God. Sydney," which is a pretty awesome joke. However, it makes absolutely no sense since Drew would have no idea who Sydney is. Just saying...
Amanda's getting all dressed up when Ben walks in, looking a little disturbed. Ben cancels plans with Amanda and she automatically assumes the worst. And she's right. Ben dumps her. Amanda tries to pretend like she never liked Ben anyway, but Ben easily sees through it and truly and honestly stands by his admiration for Amanda. She tries to deal him a cool power goodbye anyway. This is pretty sad.
David meets with Rick Fox (really) to make an offer on Coal. They discuss the price and David's offer is about $700k short of the current deal on the table for Mr. Fox. By David's reaction it is obviously out of his price range.
Jonah and Ril...er... Ella attempt awkwardly to hold hands at Charlie Kitsis' party. It is not, in fact, a birthday party for Charlie's son, but for his dog. Kitsis walks up to the couple and introduces Sammy the Dog to them. Ella introduces herself and is sure to include she is from WPK in her introduction. Charlie jokes about Jonah already having a publicist for himself so soon after their deal. Jonah awkwardly says Ella's actually his girlfriend. Ella stops in her tracks hearing the word "girlfriend" used in reference to her. Charlie walks off and Jonah apologizes for being so assuming. Ella just sends him for drinks... and hand sanitzer.
David shows up at Lauren's. She tries to avoid the inevitable break-up conversation, but David can sense she's drifting away from him. For some reason he thinks it could be because he's hiding something from her and she senses that. There's a lot of hypothetical sensing going on here in David's mind. Lauren's bad boyfriend red flag goes up and she asks if he's gone back to stealing, which he hasn't. He reveals instead his past with Vanessa and that he's Noah's father. Lauren takes this golden opportunity to break up with David, despite his desperate pleas for acceptance. "We're just different people on different paths. I'm sorry," she says, holding back emotion.
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ULA. Lauren's walking the hallways in a daze. Drew catches her and is his usual douche self. Lauren doesn't feel like playing right now. Dr. Douche keeps trying until he makes a joke about selling his body for sex. Uh oh. Lauren snaps out of her stupor and starts to walk away. Drew follows after her, realizing he struck a chord, and offers to cover a shift for her or something. Lauren thanks him and politely declines the offer.
David leans up against his Porsche which is parked on a road overlooking the city. Another nice car pulls up and parks right in front of him. Out of it comes David's money laundering friend. David's plan is to steal a $1 million diamond from a house he's already staked out, but he needs the guy to get him the money tomorrow so he can make his offer on Coal. Guy says he'll do what he can. Awesome. Now David just has to steal a $1 million diamond.
Back at the Puppy Party, everyone is singing "For he's a jolly good puppy." People really do this. Ella confides to Jonah she doesn't want a dog. That is, unless Jonah real