By Pablo G
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Tonight really tried my patience. Let's just get this over with as quickly as possible, guys.
Jonah has decided to take the initiative Ella was expecting after their night of passion. He's going the extra mile with candlelit dinners and holding hands. It's everything Ella has ever wanted from Jonah. Right? Actually, Ella completely freaks out at the prospect of doing couple things. It seems like all Ella really wants to do with Jonah is have frank discussions about their incompatibilities and then jump into bed with him. This trend becomes most apparent at a birthday party for producer Charlie Kitsis' dog. Seriously. Ella decides she'd rather go AWOL and schmooze with some high-profile agent guys instead of do the girlfriend thing with Jonah. Jonah finds Ella at the end of the night being very flirty with one of those guys and throws a hissy fit. Later, the two meet up at Coal and decide to solve the problem by having sex in a Mini Cooper. This is just not going to work out.
Speaking of not working out, Amanda and Ben's short-lived romance comes to a predictable end when Ben kisses Riley while on their business trip. Ben comes to the realization he and Amanda are not compatible. She's a cold, selfish kingpin and he's a geeky humanitarian. Who he thinks he is compatible with, however, is Riley. Ben tries to pull the switcheroo, but in the process Amanda's spy snaps photos of him and Riley making out hours after he dumped Amanda. Amanda takes the photos to Riley and plays a guilt trip on her, seeing as she's the one who got Riley the gig with Ben in the first place. What follows is the most ridiculous of Riley's moral outbursts yet. She rejects Ben's interest in her and his funding on the grounds that she wronged Amanda, who helped her get involved with Ben. What? Riley simply does not want money or a good guy, which is perfect because she really doesn't deserve either of those things at this point.
On to the blackmail break-up, Lauren promptly puts an end to her and David's relationship when David continues to be the perfect boyfriend. David presents her with a golden opportunity for the break-up by offering up his recently discovered secret that he is Noah's father as a possible reason why he feels Lauren is pulling away. Being dumped lights a fire under David's ass to try and buy Coal for some reason. Is owning a restaurant some sort of hooker aphrodisiac? The only way David can achieve this is by pulling off one more black-ops caper. He breaks into a house to steal a $1 million diamond, but gets caught in the act by the owner's hot daughter. The jig is up, right? Not at all; because the girl is willing to overlook David stealing $1 million from her family because he's so cute and she just wants to jump his bones right there on the spot. This is what we're dealing with now, people. David escapes, but not before inadvertently acquiescing to an IOU to sex the girl. He's able to make a deal to purchase Coal with the money he'll get from the diamond. "But at what cost?" I ask you. At what cost?! The cost of having to have sex with that girl. Way to take one for the team, David.
Amanda thinks she found that stupid painting she's looking for. She didn't. Besides that, Amanda only serves now as a punching bag for Ben's whims that sort of puffs itself out after taking a brutal beating. It's really sad to watch Amanda pretend she isn't being pushed around. She may have been able to pull a guilt trip on Riley to break her and Ben up, but that shouldn't have even worked. There's nothing more to see here.
Remember that new guy Drew? He's such a goofy douche bastard. He sings "Who Let the Dogs Out." Who. Let the dogs. Out. I will let myself out now.
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Pablo G. is some guy who lives in San Antonio, Texas. Check him out at Space Monkeys!, Obscure Sports Reference, and follow him @PendejoJoe on Twitter.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Tonight's episode starts off on a good note with a newly cut "Last Week on Melrose Place" clip, but it's all downhill from there, guys. If I'd known that in exchange for a new intro clip we would be subjected to what follows in the hour, I would've just kept my mouth shut. We begin with some quick-hitting scenes. Not quite a montage. Not quite fully formed scenes...
...Ella comes home to find a candlelit dinner. Jonah announces Ella will come to know "Pasta a la Jonah." I think she's already come to know that, Jonah, if you catch my not-so-subtle drift. Ella's taken aback, but she acts interested in the "domestic" meal Jonah has prepared for her. They kiss.
At ULA there's a heated wheelchair race in progress between Drew and some other guy. The whole hospital seems to be enjoying it until Drew nearly crashes into an unaware Lauren who absent-mindedly walks into his path. For a hooker, Lauren is such a buzzkill.
Riley and Ben are exiting some sort of gala, dressed extravagantly. They're recounting their good time, which involved Riley putting her foot in her mouth in front of a former Congressman. It was only a matter of time before the government realized she has a real gift for the whole foot-in-mouth thing. Riley and Ben giggle to each other like this is passing period before study hall.
Back at ULA, Lauren is walking hastily to answer a page. She pulls back an ER bed curtain to find David waiting for her with a tray of chili burgers. He just thought she might like some real food for a change. How sweet. Lauren seems annoyed, but David smoothes it over by saying he paged her because he loves hearing his girlfriend's name over the PA. Aww... Too bad your dad's trying to blackmail her into dumping you, guy.
Jonah and Ella lie in bed together in their underwear, drinking wine. I predict we'll be seeing a lot of this post-coital lying in bed since actually watching Katie Cassidy and Michael Rady grope each other is somewhat repulsive. Jonah brings up that Charlie Kitsis invited him to attend his kid's second birthday party tomorrow and he'd like Ella to come with him. Ella doesn't think it's an event to take your publicist to. But it's an event to take your girlfriend to, Jonah hints. Be careful what you wish for on the monkey's claw, Ella.
ULA. Lauren still seems irritated about the unsolicited lunch date. David is all smiles, though, because he's decided he's going to make an offer on Coal, which is apparently now up for sale. Still not letting herself be impressed, Lauren starts getting up the courage to dump David but is interrupted by a page. She walks off, but David sighs like he knows what was about to happen.