In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Tonight really tried my patience. Let's just get this over with as quickly as possible, guys.
Jonah has decided to take the initiative Ella was expecting after their night of passion. He's going the extra mile with candlelit dinners and holding hands. It's everything Ella has ever wanted from Jonah. Right? Actually, Ella completely freaks out at the prospect of doing couple things. It seems like all Ella really wants to do with Jonah is have frank discussions about their incompatibilities and then jump into bed with him. This trend becomes most apparent at a birthday party for producer Charlie Kitsis' dog. Seriously. Ella decides she'd rather go AWOL and schmooze with some high-profile agent guys instead of do the girlfriend thing with Jonah. Jonah finds Ella at the end of the night being very flirty with one of those guys and throws a hissy fit. Later, the two meet up at Coal and decide to solve the problem by having sex in a Mini Cooper. This is just not going to work out.
Speaking of not working out, Amanda and Ben's short-lived romance comes to a predictable end when Ben kisses Riley while on their business trip. Ben comes to the realization he and Amanda are not compatible. She's a cold, selfish kingpin and he's a geeky humanitarian. Who he thinks he is compatible with, however, is Riley. Ben tries to pull the switcheroo, but in the process Amanda's spy snaps photos of him and Riley making out hours after he dumped Amanda. Amanda takes the photos to Riley and plays a guilt trip on her, seeing as she's the one who got Riley the gig with Ben in the first place. What follows is the most ridiculous of Riley's moral outbursts yet. She rejects Ben's interest in her and his funding on the grounds that she wronged Amanda, who helped her get involved with Ben. What? Riley simply does not want money or a good guy, which is perfect because she really doesn't deserve either of those things at this point.
On to the blackmail break-up, Lauren promptly puts an end to her and David's relationship when David continues to be the perfect boyfriend. David presents her with a golden opportunity for the break-up by offering up his recently discovered secret that he is Noah's father as a possible reason why he feels Lauren is pulling away. Being dumped lights a fire under David's ass to try and buy Coal for some reason. Is owning a restaurant some sort of hooker aphrodisiac? The only way David can achieve this is by pulling off one more black-ops caper. He breaks into a house to steal a $1 million diamond, but gets caught in the act by the owner's hot daughter. The jig is up, right? Not at all; because the girl is willing to overlook David stealing $1 million from her family because he's so cute and she just wants to jump his bones right there on the spot. This is what we're dealing with now, people. David escapes, but not before inadvertently acquiescing to an IOU to sex the girl. He's able to make a deal to purchase Coal with the money he'll get from the diamond. "But at what cost?" I ask you. At what cost?! The cost of having to have sex with that girl. Way to take one for the team, David.
Amanda thinks she found that stupid painting she's looking for. She didn't. Besides that, Amanda only serves now as a punching bag for Ben's whims that sort of puffs itself out after taking a brutal beating. It's really sad to watch Amanda pretend she isn't being pushed around. She may have been able to pull a guilt trip on Riley to break her and Ben up, but that shouldn't have even worked. There's nothing more to see here.
Remember that new guy Drew? He's such a goofy douche bastard. He sings "Who Let the Dogs Out." Who. Let the dogs. Out. I will let myself out now.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what we think needs to happen on Melrose! And check back soon for the full weecap!
Pablo G. is some guy who lives in San Antonio, Texas. Check him out at Space Monkeys!, Obscure Sports Reference, and follow him @PendejoJoe on Twitter.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Tonight's episode starts off on a good note with a newly cut "Last Week on Melrose Place" clip, but it's all downhill from there, guys. If I'd known that in exchange for a new intro clip we would be subjected to what follows in the hour, I would've just kept my mouth shut. We begin with some quick-hitting scenes. Not quite a montage. Not quite fully formed scenes...
...Ella comes home to find a candlelit dinner. Jonah announces Ella will come to know "Pasta a la Jonah." I think she's already come to know that, Jonah, if you catch my not-so-subtle drift. Ella's taken aback, but she acts interested in the "domestic" meal Jonah has prepared for her. They kiss.
At ULA there's a heated wheelchair race in progress between Drew and some other guy. The whole hospital seems to be enjoying it until Drew nearly crashes into an unaware Lauren who absent-mindedly walks into his path. For a hooker, Lauren is such a buzzkill.
Riley and Ben are exiting some sort of gala, dressed extravagantly. They're recounting their good time, which involved Riley putting her foot in her mouth in front of a former Congressman. It was only a matter of time before the government realized she has a real gift for the whole foot-in-mouth thing. Riley and Ben giggle to each other like this is passing period before study hall.
Back at ULA, Lauren is walking hastily to answer a page. She pulls back an ER bed curtain to find David waiting for her with a tray of chili burgers. He just thought she might like some real food for a change. How sweet. Lauren seems annoyed, but David smoothes it over by saying he paged her because he loves hearing his girlfriend's name over the PA. Aww... Too bad your dad's trying to blackmail her into dumping you, guy.
Jonah and Ella lie in bed together in their underwear, drinking wine. I predict we'll be seeing a lot of this post-coital lying in bed since actually watching Katie Cassidy and Michael Rady grope each other is somewhat repulsive. Jonah brings up that Charlie Kitsis invited him to attend his kid's second birthday party tomorrow and he'd like Ella to come with him. Ella doesn't think it's an event to take your publicist to. But it's an event to take your girlfriend to, Jonah hints. Be careful what you wish for on the monkey's claw, Ella.
ULA. Lauren still seems irritated about the unsolicited lunch date. David is all smiles, though, because he's decided he's going to make an offer on Coal, which is apparently now up for sale. Still not letting herself be impressed, Lauren starts getting up the courage to dump David but is interrupted by a page. She walks off, but David sighs like he knows what was about to happen.
Ben and Riley clink champagne glasses in the backseat of a limo, toasting their success. After a little bit of starry-eyed pillow talk (is it still pillow talk in a car? Seat cushion talk?), they meet halfway on a kiss.
Splooshy title card
Commercials
Back in the Stretch Limousine of Infidelity, Riley comes to her senses and breaks off the kiss. Um, Riles... that kiss is already way too far advanced to take back. What are you doing? Ben immediately apologizes for being too forward, but Riley assumes responsibility for maybe giving off signals. She's damn opposed to it, though, since he's involved with Amanda. She really seems to care that Amanda was the one who introduced her to Ben, as if that's somehow the worst part of all of this. He suggests they not let this incident undermine their professional relationship. Right.
Amanda catches David as he returns home to his apartment and pretends her mail got swapped with his. Once he has the front door open, she just sort of walks in uninvited and pretends to marvel at his art collection. David tries to drop hints that he wants her to leave, but not before Amanda's eyes fall on one particular painting. She asks about it, and it turns out it was painted by Sydney. Amanda seems pleased enough by this info and shows herself out.
Jonah, David and Drew are playing aquatic basketball in The Complex Pool. Wait... what? Pool basketball? Is this really what they were talking about when they said they were taking this show in a more fun direction after the hiatus? Drew begins to ask about the women of The Complex, particularly Riley. Wow. That's quite assuming of you, Forward von Hobeforebro. Drew asks Jonah if he and Riley are through and Jonah plays cool. A little too cool, if you ask me. Drew just assumes that he's moved on to Ella. Actually, Jonah sounds pretty excited about going to this kid's birthday party with her. The conversation shifts over to David and Lauren. David begins talking about his plans to ascend from the rank of "loser," which basically means he plans to be a loser who owns a crappy restaurant. He towels off and leaves. Jonah -- with the ball -- fakes out Drew by looking off in the distance: "Oh my God. Sydney," which is a pretty awesome joke. However, it makes absolutely no sense since Drew would have no idea who Sydney is. Just saying...
Amanda's getting all dressed up when Ben walks in, looking a little disturbed. Ben cancels plans with Amanda and she automatically assumes the worst. And she's right. Ben dumps her. Amanda tries to pretend like she never liked Ben anyway, but Ben easily sees through it and truly and honestly stands by his admiration for Amanda. She tries to deal him a cool power goodbye anyway. This is pretty sad.
David meets with Rick Fox (really) to make an offer on Coal. They discuss the price and David's offer is about $700k short of the current deal on the table for Mr. Fox. By David's reaction it is obviously out of his price range.
Jonah and Ril...er... Ella attempt awkwardly to hold hands at Charlie Kitsis' party. It is not, in fact, a birthday party for Charlie's son, but for his dog. Kitsis walks up to the couple and introduces Sammy the Dog to them. Ella introduces herself and is sure to include she is from WPK in her introduction. Charlie jokes about Jonah already having a publicist for himself so soon after their deal. Jonah awkwardly says Ella's actually his girlfriend. Ella stops in her tracks hearing the word "girlfriend" used in reference to her. Charlie walks off and Jonah apologizes for being so assuming. Ella just sends him for drinks... and hand sanitzer.
David shows up at Lauren's. She tries to avoid the inevitable break-up conversation, but David can sense she's drifting away from him. For some reason he thinks it could be because he's hiding something from her and she senses that. There's a lot of hypothetical sensing going on here in David's mind. Lauren's bad boyfriend red flag goes up and she asks if he's gone back to stealing, which he hasn't. He reveals instead his past with Vanessa and that he's Noah's father. Lauren takes this golden opportunity to break up with David, despite his desperate pleas for acceptance. "We're just different people on different paths. I'm sorry," she says, holding back emotion.
Commercials
ULA. Lauren's walking the hallways in a daze. Drew catches her and is his usual douche self. Lauren doesn't feel like playing right now. Dr. Douche keeps trying until he makes a joke about selling his body for sex. Uh oh. Lauren snaps out of her stupor and starts to walk away. Drew follows after her, realizing he struck a chord, and offers to cover a shift for her or something. Lauren thanks him and politely declines the offer.
David leans up against his Porsche which is parked on a road overlooking the city. Another nice car pulls up and parks right in front of him. Out of it comes David's money laundering friend. David's plan is to steal a $1 million diamond from a house he's already staked out, but he needs the guy to get him the money tomorrow so he can make his offer on Coal. Guy says he'll do what he can. Awesome. Now David just has to steal a $1 million diamond.
Back at the Puppy Party, everyone is singing "For he's a jolly good puppy." People really do this. Ella confides to Jonah she doesn't want a dog. That is, unless Jonah real
ly wants one. Nice save, Elle. Right now, though, Ella wants to schmooze since she spies a lot of folks who grace the covers and pages of Variety roaming the party. She suggests she and Jonah split up to cover more ground. Jonah goes off on his own and runs into... Drew?! He was the singer in the band for the party?! WTF. Wasn't he just offering to cover Lauren's shift? Seriously, this is getting ridiculous. Are we going to find out week Drew is an astronaut, too? Charlie finds Jonah and interrupts Drew's delusions of rocking to tell Jonah he wants him to meet the VP of Sony for a potential Seth Rogen movie. Run, Jonah! RUN!
Riley enters Ben's office and is talking a mile- a-minute about business to avoid the sexual tension. Ben slows her down and points out the elephant in the room. He tells her he has broken up with Amanda. Ben wants someone who cares about other people and not just their self. Ben isn't confused about what he wants. He awkwardly lurches forward and they kiss on the couch. A camera viewfinder sloppily snaps multiple photos of the makeout session from across the balcony. Your composition is terrible. See me after class.
Commercials
Amanda meets with her David clone spy. She's beginning to get impatient about this whole search for that painting. You and me both, Amanda. She suspects the painting by Sydney she saw in David's apartment is really the painting she seeks, but painted over with water-soluble paints. The plan is to make a copy print and switch it out with the original. It also turns out the clone is the one who snapped the photos of Ben and Riley making out. Score a point for the clone.
Riley shows up at Lauren's seeking advice about the millionaire she just stole from the publicity tycoon. After venting a little, she notices Lauren is a wreck. L reveals to Riley she dumped David, but she wants to hear more about what's going on with Ben and Riles. Her advice to Riley: "You just came out of a five-year relationship that didn't end well. Have some fun." Riley smiles.
Back at Puppy Party, Drew sings "Who Let the Dogs Out." That's it; I'm outta here...
...Oh, you know I can never stay away for too long. Ella's divide and conquer strategy at the Puppy Party seems to be working well for her. She's still talking with Michael Hoover, a high-profile agent. They smooch and part ways just as Jonah shows up. Jonah is unjustifiably jealous and doesn't understand Ella was simply work-flirting with the guy. He scolds Ella and says he won't stand by while she "practically mauls some other guy." Understandably, Ella starts second-guessing the idea of being a couple with dates and holding hands and all that crap. It's suffocating, she says. "Maybe you should get some oxygen," Jonah snaps back. Well... that's about as on-the-nose as a comeback can get. Well played, Jonah. Well played, indeed.
David skulks about a dark house in his black robbing clothes. He runs his flashlight over a cabinet until he spies what he's after. David carefully opens the cabinet and grabs a large diamond ring, which he slips onto his pinky. He starts to make his way out of the room when the lights suddenly come on. There's an attractive, young woman standing in the door way. "What do you think you're doing?" Stealing a million dollars from you. Pssh... duh. We zoom in on David's stunned face.
Commercials
The girls asks David what he's doing with her mom's ring. Quick-thinking David says her father asked him to steal the ring so he can claim its insurance. No way David thinks of something that clever that quickly. I'd place the timeframe for an idea like that from David more in the one to two-year range. The sexy blonde says that this brilliant lie of David's is impossible because her dad would never waste his money on insurance since no one would ever steal from her dad. Oh, yeah? Well, my dad is so strong he once lifted up a car even though he wasn't really trying! David gets the hint and offers to just hand the ring over so they can pretend this never happened. The girl has other plans, however. She thinks David should keep the ring so her dad never finds out who stole it. Huh? "What's the catch?" David asks. "You're really cute. You know that?" she replies. What's happening here? The girl lunges at David's lips. Maybe I should try stealing a million dollars from someone's family. My love life is in shambles. Their kiss is interrupted by the sound of the girl's dad rousing. She advises David to leave. He starts climbing out the window and she stops him so she can toss him the diamond ring. "I'll take an IOU, K?" This is just stupid. Too stupid for jokes.
Complex Pool. Jonah pours himself a drink as Drew walks in telling some lame joke about the dogs at the After Puppy Party. It does not bear repeating. Jonah is sulking over his little spat with Ella. I don't know why; that line about oxygen was the ultimate kiss off. Suddenly, Dr. Drew turns into... Dr. Drew and begins to give advice. "Ella is a very different beast than Riley." Stop trying to make her into someone she's not, Drew advises. Jonah seems to take heed.
Amanda shows up at Riley's door as she's trying to leave. She hands Riley the photos of her and Ben kissing. Riley apologizes profusely, but it will not appease the mighty Woodward. She considers this a personal affront. Amanda walks out. Riley is distressed. I don't know about you, but if I stole the world's most interesting man away from Heather Locklear, I wouldn't be so upset.
Commercials
Ben looks over the incriminating photos. "So?" he says. That's what I'm saying! Ben doesn't understand the big deal. Me and this guy -- we're like brothers. We just get each other. Riley is upset with herself for scorning Amanda. Really? Ben just wants to move forward with what should rightfully be a relationship built on understanding and respect. The thing is: Riley doesn't seem to understand this is a good situation, which pretty much undermines that whole building a relationship thing. Riley refuses Ben and his funding. I hate you, Riley Richmond.
Drew shows up at Lauren's with a dartboard that has his photo taped over the bull's-eye. This guy is such a joker. He's obviously trying to cheer Lauren up when Lauren suddenly mentions she and David broke up. Drew practically orders Lauren to get her ass up so they can go out for a drink to drown her sorrows. Just then, Riley walks in to check on Lauren and gets tangled up in their plans. The girls go off to pick an outfit for Lauren to change into while Drew lounges on the couch. "Can I watch?" If you ever need a douchebag, he's probably lounging on some girl's couch.
Amanda works on dissolving Sydney's painting so she can get at the one she's after. After some careful dabbing, she begins to realize there's nothing underneath. Curses! She flings the canvass to the floor in disgust. I wish I had a canvass I could fling to the floor in disgust right now.
Ella is at a bar tossing back shots. Jonah shows up. They both got a mystery text from David. "Good news. Come to Coal." Jonah jokes about David probably still thinking they're a couple. They nervously laugh at the thought and Ella dives into talking about not liking the idea of traditional relationships. They agree it's just going to take some adjusting. Ella basically just wants to bone Jonah, it seems, evidenced by her asking if he's ever done it in the Mini Cooper. I've done it with Mini Cooper, but I suppose that's different. Riley enters with Drew and Lauren. Ella and Jonah awkwardly walk over to meet them. Riley hangs her head as Drew talks about their encounter at the Puppy Party earlier. Lauren reveals her break-up with David to Ella and Jonah. She doesn't reveal anything more than that to her concerned friends. Drew tries to break the tension by proposing a toast. He toasts to new jobs, dreams and to himself who he claims can out-drink all of The Complex Tenants. "In your wildest dreams, frat boy," Ella mutters under her breath. Let's just make the whole hour of MP Ella versus Drew, please. That would be enterta
1 2 3
inment. A mismatch, but entertainment nonetheless. David enters just as Drew slaps down his cash for some drinks and declares Drew's money is no good here. Really awesome subtle thing here: Jonah cracks a joke about David calling them all down to Coal so he can slip them drinks and take advantage of them. We quickly cut to Lauren's face, which perks up with an "Oh my God, does he know?" look on it. Back to David, who announces he is officially the future owner of Coal. Congratulations all around, but Ella and Lauren are skeptical about how David could afford to buy Coal. He just says he cracked open his piggy bank. Nice save.
David comes home to find the young blonde waiting for him. She tracked him down by writing down his license plate number when he was driving off from her house. She's ready for her IOU. Can I O her, too? He follows her into his apartment. Sleeping with a woman after you've technically been dumped? I'm so morally outraged by this.
-- Pablo G. is some guy who lives in San Antonio, Texas. Check him out at Space Monkeys!, Obscure Sports Reference, and follow him @PendejoJoe on Twitter.
1 2 3