Episode Report Card Pablo G: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Wondrous Boat Ride
By Pablo G | Season 1 | Episode 6 | Aired on 10.13.2009
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.What happens when you go breaking into your secret crush's apartment while he's away and you snoop around? You find out he was probably banging your estranged mother who is dead -- maybe because you killed her -- and was definitely banging your neighbor's dad. That's all. Violet finds a note from Sydney addressed to Auggie which says as much and also implies that Michael helped cause Sydney's downward spiral. Nobody messes with a crazy girl's mother who didn't want her. Violet shows up at Dr. Mancini's office with a phony heart problem and begins romancing him. He takes her up on an offer for a drink at Coal. When he tries to leave, Violet stops him out in the alley out back and starts making out with him. They end up in Michael's car. Things get so hot and heavy that he doesn't notice Violet pull out her cell phone and record video of the whole thing. During their time together at the bar, Violet overhears Michael take a call from his wife about needing a new nanny. The next day, Michael comes home to find Violet interviewing for the job. He's still oblivious to who she is and probably just thinks she's some young kid with a puppy-love crush on him, but when he takes her outside to set her straight, Violet tells him she is Syd's daughter and shows him the video footage she plans to use to blackmail him. If this maneuver was a baked good, it would be called a "Ginger O'Snap!"
David finds himself still having trouble moving pilfered items with his main connection Amir. As luck would have it, Amir has family who specialize in moving the very artifacts he cannot. Arrangements are made so David can do his thing for them instead. He ends up on a boat party for those family members who turn out to be some sort of mafia syndicate. Amir's cousin Hassan is the head guy. Hassan isn't interested in the item David has to offer and instead offers him a "job," in the mafia crime sense of the word. When David refuses to sign on because he prefers to work solo, Hassan takes offense to David's refusal in light of his partaking in the party's hospitality, drinks and hookers. He has David beaten to a pulp.
Speaking of hookers, Lauren's on the boot, too! What are the odds? Wendi sends all of her girls -- including Lauren -- on the boat to provide a good time for Hassan's guys. Luckily, Lauren spots David before he can spot her. She's able to spy a little bit before she decides she needs to bail, lest she get caught and have her vagina-for-hire racket discovered by her friends. A new hooker friend of hers causes a diversion with David while she escapes. Lauren later discovers David dragging himself back to his apartment after his beating and takes him to the hospital. Don't forget Lauren is still a competent doctor. I know I did. She sees through David's fake story about falling off a motorcycle based on his injuries and demands the truth. David admits he's caught up in a lifestyle that's not as wholesome as Lauren's projected perfection. He doesn't get into details before Lauren takes a call from Wendi reminding her that she didn't just bail on anyone's job, she has incurred a debt. The debt of moral bankruptcy. There is now a mortgage on Lauren's body.
A fashion denim designer has employed Ella as his publicist and naturally she has employed Jonah as her right-hand cameraman for his publicity shoot. Jonah isn't really up to the task this time since he's been taking on extra work because he's low on cash. The designer pretty much hates everything Jonah is doing until Riley shows up to bring Jonah something he left at home and the guy falls in love with her look. He wants to rework his whole campaign and use Riley as his model. This is perfect because we all know Riley isn't the best... anything really. But she is pretty. This entire conceit might as well be patting Riley on the head and telling her she's special. Still, she refuses the idea until she realizes what a financial bind Jonah is in. Riley does the shoot for their impending marriage. If only all marriages were as easy as standing in front of a camera. She didn't even have to take her clothes off. Jonah and Riley practically renew their vows right there at the photo shoot, Ella avoids losing her job for the umpteenth time and Caleb scores a date with the designer. Yes! BONUS!
Hey, guys, no flashbacks this episode. What gives?
-- Pablo G. is some guy who lives in San Antonio, Texas. Check him out at Space Monkeys!, Obscure Sports Reference, and follow him @PendejoJoe on Twitter.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!A breaking-and-entering caprice by our resident creepy girl, Violet, is how we begin tonight's episode. Her snooping starts in a drawer of clothes, which she rummages through until she produces a familiar black and red chef's smock. She's in Auggie's apartment. She rubs his uniform on her face and goes on to pick up a photograph of him and Sydney. Violet revels in hanging around in the living space of her secret crush, lounging on his bed. She goes back to the drawer to search some more and finds a note from Sydney, which looks more like a graduation invitation. Before she gets a chance to read it, David walks in and begins questioning what she's doing there. While Auggie's off surfing, Violet has been tasked with getting his mail and watering his plants, she lies. Odd, says David; he's normally the one who does that for Auggie, but he gives Violet the benefit of the doubt since they're not on the best of terms at the moment. Which brings me to this: Wait a minute... what is David doing there? He leaves and Violet immediately rushes over to the bed to sit and read through the letter. It's somewhat of a goodbye note. In it, Sydney blames Michael for her losing hope and spiraling out of control.
At the hospital of whorish dreams, Lauren is taking the lead in the ER as a young girl is brought in with emergency respiratory problems. Dr. Mancini enters just in time to witness Lauren's poise and commends her on it. They walk and talk. Michael brings up David, hoping to pry out some useful information, but Lauren just gives a generic answer as her phone goes off. Sad that every time Lauren's phone rings in a scene, you know it just means someone wants her to be a whore. She excuses herself from Michael to take the call and this time it's Wendi who needs Lauren to sell her flesh. Seems there's going to be some sort of prostitute party on a boat. Lauren is a bit hesitant about the idea of working in a group, but Wendi is like a hawk for that sort of thing. No wishy-washiness in Wendi's band of hoes. Wendi asks if she has to be worried about versatility issues with her. No versatility issues here, says Lauren, falling into line. Good soldier. Good hooker soldier.
Edgy modeling imagery leads us into a fashion photo shoot. Anton V, a designer, is going on about his product line of denim, which boasts organic cotton and non-toxic dyes, but "equally important," he says, "the pockets are specifically designed to flatter the ass of every woman from every angle." Whoa! That is as important as the environment. Jonah is handling photography duties and is not nearly as impressed as I am with the ass flattering. Outside of the actual shoot, Caleb walks up on where Ella is standing with her phone to check on how everything's going. Ella deduces that Caleb has a vested interest in what's in Anton's pants -- the ones he wears, not the ones he designs. He doesn't seem too bothered when Anton very loudly voices his displeasure with Jonah as long as Ella promises to keep Anton happy and find out if he's dating anyone. Caleb leaves. Ella goes up to Jonah to make sure he doesn't mess with the good system they have going. She gets him good work, he exceeds everyone's expectations (I still don't see how) and they end up looking like rock stars. Jonah's having trouble focusing both photographically and physically because he's been up late trying to redesign his website to attract more clients. He's having trouble lining up work. This gig is the last one he has set up. Ella doesn't seem too supportive about the whole thing, she just assumes her friend will come through like he always does, I guess. She leaves him to dig frantically through his bag of camera accessories.
Violet gets dressed in front of her bathroom mirror as she downs a Red Bull. She's getting all dolled up for something or someone. Almost certainly not for herself because that wouldn't be crazy enough. The camera pans to show Violet is on her fifth Red Bull. I'm praying the Red Bulls give Violet wings so she can fly away.
At the Love Nest, Riley answers her phone and it's her under-worked fiancée. Before he can even tell her why he's calling, she starts her self-centered blabbing about her day. Jonah cuts her off to tell her he forgot his diopter for his camera and it's very important she bring it to him ASAP. Damn right. Make me a sandwich, woman.
David is sitting at a nice bar with his stolen goods distributor Amir whom we've met before. Amir looks over a photo of a small statue David has apparently stolen from a collector in Santa Monica. Unless it's jewelry, this type of stuff is out of Amir's league, but his cousin Hassan happens to specialize in this sort of thing. David wants to know when he can meet Hassan. Apparently Hassan isn't a busy man because Amir says he can arrange for them to meet tonight without consulting his cousin. "What's in it for you?" David asks. "Unlike what's going on with you and your dad, my people look out for each other." Take that, trust-fund baby! David doesn't let the slight bother him. If Hassan can move this statue for David, they can consider him family, too. They shake hands.
Michael walks into his office to find Violet dressed like a wet dream of mine or anyone else who likes women in short shorts and fedoras. The doctor demands to know what she's doing in his office. Violet makes up a story about being told it would be hours before she would be seen for her scary heart problem and she saw him listed as the head cardiologist. Michael still wants to follow protocol, but Violet insists she feels like she could die right on the spot. Umm... I don't think most emergency waiting rooms would let you die in the name of bureaucracy. Most.
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In Michael's office, he asks Ms. Foster to unbutton her blouse. She tells him to call her Violet. Looks like we're in for a thorough physical examination. Everyone should do this at least once a year. Violet opens her shirt and reveals her designer bra. Michael notices how attractive she is as he puts his stethoscope up to Violet's chest. It doesn't reveal anything unusual besides a rapid heartbeat. Dr. Mancini thinks they should run some tests. Violet gets uncomfortable at the idea of actual tests that don't involve her getting half naked. Strangely, Michael happens to ask if Violet drinks a lot of caffeine, which reveals what all the Red Bulls were about earlier. How could Violet have planned on him asking her that question, though? She verifies that she had her Red Bulls this morning and laughs off her perceived hypochondria. "You look like a very healthy young woman," Michael says, trying not to drool. "Do you have medical insurance?" Violet does not. Michael immediately rips up the papers of her visit and tells her this one is "off the books." It's the least she can do that Violet offers to comp Michael a drink at Coal to repay him. Just the promise of a drink? Quit being coy, girl. If a doctor did that for me, I'd give him/her one free coupon to the Pablo G Spot. Michael is like, "I bet you pour a mean cocktail." Really? If Dr. Mancini wants to cradle rob, he needs to brush up on his innuendo.
Night descends on The Complex Courtyard as Lauren walks out in a frilly, avocado green dress. She is heading toward my house to be the piñata at my next birthday party. David catches her and pries about where she's going, but it's nothing that really requires much lying on Lauren's part. She asks for help with a button on the back of her dress as some cheesy baby-making music starts playing. There's an awkward almost kiss as they part ways.
Back at the photo shoot. Anton is still way too impressed with his own designs and is growing increasingly annoyed with Jonah's inability to keep up. Caleb calls Ella's phone and she lies about everything going well before she tells him to let her do her job. Riley walks in with Jonah's stuff. He thanks her profusely and they start doing their little annoying couple banter. Anton seems captivated by Riley, however. He begins asking her questions from afar about