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What happens when you go breaking into your secret crush's apartment while he's away and you snoop around? You find out he was probably banging your estranged mother who is dead -- maybe because you killed her -- and was definitely banging your neighbor's dad. That's all. Violet finds a note from Sydney addressed to Auggie which says as much and also implies that Michael helped cause Sydney's downward spiral. Nobody messes with a crazy girl's mother who didn't want her. Violet shows up at Dr. Mancini's office with a phony heart problem and begins romancing him. He takes her up on an offer for a drink at Coal. When he tries to leave, Violet stops him out in the alley out back and starts making out with him. They end up in Michael's car. Things get so hot and heavy that he doesn't notice Violet pull out her cell phone and record video of the whole thing. During their time together at the bar, Violet overhears Michael take a call from his wife about needing a new nanny. The day, Michael comes home to find Violet interviewing for the job. He's still oblivious to who she is and probably just thinks she's some young kid with a puppy-love crush on him, but when he takes her outside to set her straight, Violet tells him she is Syd's daughter and shows him the video footage she plans to use to blackmail him. If this maneuver was a baked good, it would be called a "Ginger O'Snap!"
David finds himself still having trouble moving pilfered items with his main connection Amir. As luck would have it, Amir has family who specialize in moving the very artifacts he cannot. Arrangements are made so David can do his thing for them instead. He ends up on a boat party for those family members who turn out to be some sort of mafia syndicate. Amir's cousin Hassan is the head guy. Hassan isn't interested in the item David has to offer and instead offers him a "job," in the mafia crime sense of the word. When David refuses to sign on because he prefers to work solo, Hassan takes offense to David's refusal in light of his partaking in the party's hospitality, drinks and hookers. He has David beaten to a pulp.
Speaking of hookers, Lauren's on the boot, too! What are the odds? Wendi sends all of her girls -- including Lauren -- on the boat to provide a good time for Hassan's guys. Luckily, Lauren spots David before he can spot her. She's able to spy a little bit before she decides she needs to bail, lest she get caught and have her vagina-for-hire racket discovered by her friends. A new hooker friend of hers causes a diversion with David while she escapes. Lauren later discovers David dragging himself back to his apartment after his beating and takes him to the hospital. Don't forget Lauren is still a competent doctor. I know I did. She sees through David's fake story about falling off a motorcycle based on his injuries and demands the truth. David admits he's caught up in a lifestyle that's not as wholesome as Lauren's projected perfection. He doesn't get into details before Lauren takes a call from Wendi reminding her that she didn't just bail on anyone's job, she has incurred a debt. The debt of moral bankruptcy. There is now a mortgage on Lauren's body.
A fashion denim designer has employed Ella as his publicist and naturally she has employed Jonah as her right-hand cameraman for his publicity shoot. Jonah isn't really up to the task this time since he's been taking on extra work because he's low on cash. The designer pretty much hates everything Jonah is doing until Riley shows up to bring Jonah something he left at home and the guy falls in love with her look. He wants to rework his whole campaign and use Riley as his model. This is perfect because we all know Riley isn't the best... anything really. But she is pretty. This entire conceit might as well be patting Riley on the head and telling her she's special. Still, she refuses the idea until she realizes what a financial bind Jonah is in. Riley does the shoot for their impending marriage. If only all marriages were as easy as standing in front of a camera. She didn't even have to take her clothes off. Jonah and Riley practically renew their vows right there at the photo shoot, Ella avoids losing her job for the umpteenth time and Caleb scores a date with the designer. Yes! BONUS!
Hey, guys, no flashbacks this episode. What gives?
-- Pablo G. is some guy who lives in San Antonio, Texas. Check him out at Space Monkeys!, Obscure Sports Reference, and follow him @PendejoJoe on Twitter.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!A breaking-and-entering caprice by our resident creepy girl, Violet, is how we begin tonight's episode. Her snooping starts in a drawer of clothes, which she rummages through until she produces a familiar black and red chef's smock. She's in Auggie's apartment. She rubs his uniform on her face and goes on to pick up a photograph of him and Sydney. Violet revels in hanging around in the living space of her secret crush, lounging on his bed. She goes back to the drawer to search some more and finds a note from Sydney, which looks more like a graduation invitation. Before she gets a chance to read it, David walks in and begins questioning what she's doing there. While Auggie's off surfing, Violet has been tasked with getting his mail and watering his plants, she lies. Odd, says David; he's normally the one who does that for Auggie, but he gives Violet the benefit of the doubt since they're not on the best of terms at the moment. Which brings me to this: Wait a minute... what is David doing there? He leaves and Violet immediately rushes over to the bed to sit and read through the letter. It's somewhat of a goodbye note. In it, Sydney blames Michael for her losing hope and spiraling out of control.
At the hospital of whorish dreams, Lauren is taking the lead in the ER as a young girl is brought in with emergency respiratory problems. Dr. Mancini enters just in time to witness Lauren's poise and commends her on it. They walk and talk. Michael brings up David, hoping to pry out some useful information, but Lauren just gives a generic answer as her phone goes off. Sad that every time Lauren's phone rings in a scene, you know it just means someone wants her to be a whore. She excuses herself from Michael to take the call and this time it's Wendi who needs Lauren to sell her flesh. Seems there's going to be some sort of prostitute party on a boat. Lauren is a bit hesitant about the idea of working in a group, but Wendi is like a hawk for that sort of thing. No wishy-washiness in Wendi's band of hoes. Wendi asks if she has to be worried about versatility issues with her. No versatility issues here, says Lauren, falling into line. Good soldier. Good hooker soldier.
Edgy modeling imagery leads us into a fashion photo shoot. Anton V, a designer, is going on about his product line of denim, which boasts organic cotton and non-toxic dyes, but "equally important," he says, "the pockets are specifically designed to flatter the ass of every woman from every angle." Whoa! That is as important as the environment. Jonah is handling photography duties and is not nearly as impressed as I am with the ass flattering. Outside of the actual shoot, Caleb walks up on where Ella is standing with her phone to check on how everything's going. Ella deduces that Caleb has a vested interest in what's in Anton's pants -- the ones he wears, not the ones he designs. He doesn't seem too bothered when Anton very loudly voices his displeasure with Jonah as long as Ella promises to keep Anton happy and find out if he's dating anyone. Caleb leaves. Ella goes up to Jonah to make sure he doesn't mess with the good system they have going. She gets him good work, he exceeds everyone's expectations (I still don't see how) and they end up looking like rock stars. Jonah's having trouble focusing both photographically and physically because he's been up late trying to redesign his website to attract more clients. He's having trouble lining up work. This gig is the last one he has set up. Ella doesn't seem too supportive about the whole thing, she just assumes her friend will come through like he always does, I guess. She leaves him to dig frantically through his bag of camera accessories.
Violet gets dressed in front of her bathroom mirror as she downs a Red Bull. She's getting all dolled up for something or someone. Almost certainly not for herself because that wouldn't be crazy enough. The camera pans to show Violet is on her fifth Red Bull. I'm praying the Red Bulls give Violet wings so she can fly away.
At the Love Nest, Riley answers her phone and it's her under-worked fiancée. Before he can even tell her why he's calling, she starts her self-centered blabbing about her day. Jonah cuts her off to tell her he forgot his diopter for his camera and it's very important she bring it to him ASAP. Damn right. Make me a sandwich, woman.
David is sitting at a nice bar with his stolen goods distributor Amir whom we've met before. Amir looks over a photo of a small statue David has apparently stolen from a collector in Santa Monica. Unless it's jewelry, this type of stuff is out of Amir's league, but his cousin Hassan happens to specialize in this sort of thing. David wants to know when he can meet Hassan. Apparently Hassan isn't a busy man because Amir says he can arrange for them to meet tonight without consulting his cousin. "What's in it for you?" David asks. "Unlike what's going on with you and your dad, my people look out for each other." Take that, trust-fund baby! David doesn't let the slight bother him. If Hassan can move this statue for David, they can consider him family, too. They shake hands.
Michael walks into his office to find Violet dressed like a wet dream of mine or anyone else who likes women in short shorts and fedoras. The doctor demands to know what she's doing in his office. Violet makes up a story about being told it would be hours before she would be seen for her scary heart problem and she saw him listed as the head cardiologist. Michael still wants to follow protocol, but Violet insists she feels like she could die right on the spot. Umm... I don't think most emergency waiting rooms would let you die in the name of bureaucracy. Most.
WAVEY TITLE CARD AND COMMERCIALS
In Michael's office, he asks Ms. Foster to unbutton her blouse. She tells him to call her Violet. Looks like we're in for a thorough physical examination. Everyone should do this at least once a year. Violet opens her shirt and reveals her designer bra. Michael notices how attractive she is as he puts his stethoscope up to Violet's chest. It doesn't reveal anything unusual besides a rapid heartbeat. Dr. Mancini thinks they should run some tests. Violet gets uncomfortable at the idea of actual tests that don't involve her getting half naked. Strangely, Michael happens to ask if Violet drinks a lot of caffeine, which reveals what all the Red Bulls were about earlier. How could Violet have planned on him asking her that question, though? She verifies that she had her Red Bulls this morning and laughs off her perceived hypochondria. "You look like a very healthy young woman," Michael says, trying not to drool. "Do you have medical insurance?" Violet does not. Michael immediately rips up the papers of her visit and tells her this one is "off the books." It's the least she can do that Violet offers to comp Michael a drink at Coal to repay him. Just the promise of a drink? Quit being coy, girl. If a doctor did that for me, I'd give him/her one free coupon to the Pablo G Spot. Michael is like, "I bet you pour a mean cocktail." Really? If Dr. Mancini wants to cradle rob, he needs to brush up on his innuendo.
Night descends on The Complex Courtyard as Lauren walks out in a frilly, avocado green dress. She is heading toward my house to be the piñata at my birthday party. David catches her and pries about where she's going, but it's nothing that really requires much lying on Lauren's part. She asks for help with a button on the back of her dress as some cheesy baby-making music starts playing. There's an awkward almost kiss as they part ways.
Back at the photo shoot. Anton is still way too impressed with his own designs and is growing increasingly annoyed with Jonah's inability to keep up. Caleb calls Ella's phone and she lies about everything going well before she tells him to let her do her job. Riley walks in with Jonah's stuff. He thanks her profusely and they start doing their little annoying couple banter. Anton seems captivated by Riley, however. He begins asking her questions from afar about
what she does for a living and if she's interested in fashion. Ella walks over to Anton to keep him happy, but he's still focused on Riley. He has decided he wants Riley to be the face of his press kit and ad campaign. Ella lets out a sharp laugh almost instantaneously with her realizing her client isn't joking.
It's bright afternoon out at the harbor and a line of high-class (I guess?) hookers in brightly colored nightclub "dresses" and platform heels walk in a line down the docks up to a large yacht. Their walking in formation is intercut with flashes of people preparing the boat for the party, putting bottles of champagne in ice buckets and arranging edible sculptures. Once on the boat, Lauren stands against the railing by herself when a fellow lady of the night comes up to her all excited because she feels like she's in the South of France. Poor girl equates a shitty harbor with the South of France. My goodness, these are the hookers of tomorrow? At least Lauren has the sense to know this is nothing like that famous locale. Hooker can sense that Lauren is uncomfortable being at her first prostitute party. She offers Lauren something to calm her nerves, but Lauren declines. Hooker understands and tells Lauren to just go with the flow. Sometimes the guys like to "keep it one-on-one other times they like to watch us together," Hooker says. That's what you tell a newcomer to put her mind at ease? Before Lauren can let out the same look of horror that's on my face right now, Hooker assures Lauren that she'll look out for her. Love that we never learned Hooker's name. It lets me keep calling her Hooker.
Upstairs at the fashion shoot, Anton and Ella wait around as Caleb walks up the steps. They've apparently called him in from a Lakers preseason game. Anton wants to trade Sasha Vujacic. This guy has just redeemed himself with me. Caleb asks Anton what the deal is with his fascination with Riley. What's happened is he's realized he's been selling his Real Denim to fake people (Ella takes offense). Something about Riley just seemed to click for Anton. He wants his campaign to be about selling Real Denim for Real People. I guess that would make sense. Caleb asks if Anton intends on just abandoning his current campaign. When Anton doesn't really answer, Caleb caves on his own and agrees with the plan. It's funny to see Caleb's normally hard ass compromising in the pursuit of ass. Anton leaves and Ella starts in on Caleb about it being their job as publicists to protect their clients from themselves. It becomes clear Ella is mostly against Riley. Caleb basically ignores Ella's valid points about Riley's inexperience and just says to have her there for the shoot first thing in the morning. Elle (I'm going to spell this every way possible before it's all said and done) is outright stunned. Have you ever seen a stunner get stunned?
Michael walks into Coal. He goes straight to the bar and finds Violet. Violet looks ecstatic to see him and immediately starts schmoozing. There's this golden exchange. Violet: "How many lives did you save today?" Michael: "Uh... Three." Violet: "You must be starving." These people are serious. Like, for serious. Violet pulls out a menu and starts picking food items out that she's going to comp for Michael. He says she doesn't need to do that, but Violet insists. "You took care of me earlier and now I'm going to take care of you." Mmhmm.
Love nest. Jonah is trying to edit his footage from earlier and Riley starts talking honeymoon. They start getting further into their romantic plans when Ella walks in with champagne to celebrate Riley's modeling debut. They're both like, "Whaaaaaa? MOD-DEL-ING?" Riley thinks she's being mocked. Oh, but you are, Riles. Every single moment of your life someone, somewhere is taking up the vigilance of the night patrol that is your mockery. Riley is damn opposed to the idea. Damn opposed. Damn, damn, damn opposed! Public speaking makes her break out in hives. OK...? Models don't need to open their mouths ever. Not even to eat. Hi-oooh! Riley clarifies she is only comfortable speaking in front of six-year-olds. Something tells me she just feels like they're operating on the same level. Ella starts reassuring her that all of this will be handled by the best in the profession who will make sure she looks gorgeous. Jonah in the background looks comically like he's going to piss himself with pride. Then Ella casually mentions she will probably be able to budget Riley's pay out at $10,000. Jonah and Riley's jaws hit the floor. You mean 10,000 United States Dollars? Riley still doesn't bite so Ella bites back. "Come on! It's not like handing out juice boxes at the daycare center." Oh, Ella. Riley lists lots of reasons why this would be bad for her students. Ella without conscience: "Kids are resilient. They'll get over it." Jonah joins in and they gang up on her. Riley still says no. Ella can't believe it. She calls Riley selfish and walks out.
At the sex boat, Lauren asks Hooker who these guys are that will be their clients for the night. Hooker imparts some ancient whore wisdom: never ask who your clients are. Then she goes on to relay she heard they are involved in importing/exporting. Vandalay Industries much? But seriously these guys are the Middle Eastern American Stereotype Mafia. Lauren walks off to go checking out the guys as they approach from the port side (or is that starboard side?) and spots David. This boat just got rocked.
COMMERCIALS
We're back on the boat. Lauren is trying to figure out how to avoid David. Once he passes by without noticing Lauren, she decides she might as well start spying on him to find out what he's doing on a hooker mafia boat. She observes him talking to Hassan for a little bit. Hassan tells David to make himself at home and find himself a girl he likes. Lauren grabs Hooker to use her as cover so David won't see her and lets her know what's going on. Lauren insists she needs to get off the boat. When David and Hassan walk off together, Lauren makes her move upstairs with Hooker following close behind. Hooker stops on the staircase to look back at David who turns and notices her. Upstairs, Hooker tells Lauren that if she bails, she'll incur the wrath of Wendi. Lauren: staying is not an option. She'll deal with Wendi later. When great minds are backed into a corner, they come up with brilliant plans. Here's what these women come up with. David comes upstairs and Hooker plants her mouth on his face while Lauren sneaks by and goes downstairs. Sheer genius. Lauren gets off the boat and books it. She runs through the night, cocktail dress flapping in the wind.
At Coal, Michael and Violet are finishing up shots. He offers to pay for the drinks, but Violet declines. He promises he'll take care of her later... "with a very big tip." Just the tip? He's then interrupted by a phone call from his wife Vanessa. She complains to him about them needing to find a nanny to which he responds he's put out an ad in search of one. Violet is listening intently. Michael lies to Vanessa about where he is, saying he's at a birthday party for a co-worker. They end their call and Violet infers that he has to go. Michael says yes, but he's had a great time. He leaves. Violet watches him go and plucks out the cherry from her drink and eats it with spite.
Riley sits by the roaring fireplace of The Love Nest. Jonah enters with pineapple peanut butter ice cream. "Could be genius. Could be deadly," he theorizes. Riley isn't too concerned with a sugar coma. She's more concerned with a message from a property management company saying their rent check bounced. Jonah assures Riley that everything's all right and he'll straighten it out tomorrow with the bank. Riley let's it go, but still looks concerned as she suggests they watch The Princess Bride on cable. At least you can't say these characters have bad taste. Jonah can't watch, though, because he has to finish editing Anton's stuff. Jonah kisses Riley and walks off, looking like he hopes she'll reconsider her modeling offer.
Michael is sitting in his
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parked car out behind Coal, trying to muster up enough sobriety to drive, when Violet knocks on his passenger side window. He rolls down the window and she leans up against the car, looking more like a hooker than Lauren ever has (even in the act). She playfully says it's her responsibility as bartender to make sure he can drive. He gets out of the car for some "fresh air." More like "fresh derriere." I crack myself up. Violet says he looks like he's been wanting to do something all night. "You're a doctor. Make me feel better," she implores. Violet pulls him close and kisses him. Things get hot right away so Michael opens his car door, which comically opens vertically and covers them up briefly as if it's going to cut to commercial. Instead, he lays Violet down into the passenger seat. Without Michael noticing, she reaches for her cell phone, presumably to take pictures or video of what they're doing. And there's a valuable lesson here: never cheat with someone who owns a cell phone.
We're back on the sex boat. David and Hassan have finally sat down to talk. Hassan isn't interested in the sculpture David is trying to unload. Instead he wants David to help him get his hand on an Egyptian antique valued at $2.2 million. David isn't feeling this idea. He's only comfortable working alone. Nothing personal, he says. Hassan can't believe that David would show up on his boat (though he invited him) and eat his food, enjoy his women and then turn down his job offer. David: "I draw the line at playing fetch." He gets up to leave and Hassan gets up to get between him and the exit. David sees he can't really escape so he preemptively shoves Hassan. He comes back and pimp slaps David. Then Hassan's hired goons take David down and beat him. Hired goons?
COMMERCIALS
Lauren walks out of her apartment into the courtyard, leaving for a shift at the hospital. She notices David dragging himself to his apartment all bloody and beaten. She asks what happened. David makes up a lie about borrowing a friend's motorcycle and sliding out. Lauren tries to examine him, but David won't let her. His labored breathing leads Lauren to suspect he could have internal bleeding and a concussion. She won't let him sleep it off like he wants. Lauren insists on taking him to the hospital.
Riley comes home to The Love Nest from running to find Jonah selling his camera to some other nerd. Obviously Jonah was trying to do this without Riley's knowledge. She vetoes the sale. Nerd Buyer can't believe it. He drove all the way out there for the camera, but Riley doesn't care. Poor Nerd Buyer. He leaves without his camera. Riley wants to know why Jonah would sell his camera. He lies and says he wanted to upgrade because he's had this one for over a year. Riley knows that's not the truth. Jonah fesses up about his financial problems. People are cutting back and recording things for themselves, he says. He's had to cut his rates to attract clients. Riley sighs and looks like she's ready to cave and do the modeling thing, but Jonah cuts her off and takes all responsibility for their predicament like he normally does. Riley says she's not marrying him for his money. Jonah gets emotional because he thought he could come up with a brilliant plan. Naturally, Riley is certain they'll come up with a plan together.
WPK. Ella walks in as Caleb waits around the corner to pounce on her. He wants verification on a text Ella sent him about Riley turning down the offer. He can't believe it's true and he wants Ella to take responsibility for displeasing Anton. Ella's plan is to look for someone else, but Riley appears behind her to ask if the job is still available. Ella turns to smirk at Caleb.
COMMERCIALS.
Michael pulls back an ER curtain to find David battered and bleeding. He asks what happened with what sounds like genuine concern. David deadpans that he tripped. This reminds Michael he's dealing with his insolent son and asks if this happened during a heist. Just then Lauren walks in and covers for David, comparing the wheelchair she's grabbed for him with the motorcycle he purportedly fell off of. David doesn't need any stinking wheelchair. He walks off. Michael asks for full-disclosure from Lauren. When she starts to say she doesn't know the details, he cuts her off and orders her to come straight to him when she finds out what happened.
At the new fashion shoot, Anton is already praising Riley. Ella is like, "Whatever." It's a paycheck. Jonah walks in excited about the press kit he's put together for Anton when Riley turns around and Jonah sees her. His eyes go wide and he starts to breathe a little hard. Jonah, the good fiancée he is, wants to make perfectly sure Riley's ok with this because this was his mess. Riley says they're in it together now. Jonah starts saying he's going to look for work, but Riley isn't worried, and she reminds him he never needs to hide things from her.
Caleb walks up to Anton saying networks are chomping at the bit. Or is it champing? Anton says he owes it all to WPK and he wants to celebrate. He asks Caleb out to dinner. They talk about wanting meat. Really.
Lauren examines David's x-rays. Don't forget Lauren actually knows what she's doing when it comes to medicine. She can tell from his injuries that he's lying about what happened. David would have no skin right now if he slid off his motorcycle. He does however have a fractured rib. Also, she did see him at the party and knows he's at least lying about where he was. Lauren asks for the truth. David gives sparse details. His story is just that he got into a fight with some guy in a bad situation. That's a thorough explanation to a close friend right there. He turns the conversation back on Lauren, saying he can't lead a perfect, wholesome life like Lauren. Lauren thinks on that and smiles at her whorishness. She excuses herself to take a phone call.
The call is from Wendi. Lauren tries to explain what happened on the boat, but Wendi thinks Lauren just quit and looked for the easy way out of the situation. Still, Wendi believes her. Otherwise, she would've already fired her. She's going to give Lauren another chance, but she warns her that she never forgets a debt.
Michael comes home from work and is greeted by his wife at the door. They talk again about their search for a nanny, but now Vanessa is excited that she is in the process of interviewing someone. Surprise, surprise when Michael looks over to see Violet playing with his son. She smiles sheepishly at him. Michael takes her outside immediately to find out what the hell she's doing. Violet's whole demeanor changes to manipulative bitterness. Michael's lost until she reveals she's Sydney's daughter. He just wants to know what she wants from him since he's sure she can't be his daughter. Violet pulls out her cell phone and plays the video she shot of them making out in his car for him to see. "You hurt my mother. She was trying to get better but you wouldn't let her. And now, you're going to pay." Violet continues to hold the phone up to Michael as she lets a big grin spread across her face. Blackmail: there's an app for that.
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-- Pablo G. is some guy who lives in San Antonio, Texas. Check him out at Space Monkeys!, Obscure Sports Reference, and follow him @PendejoJoe on Twitter.
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