We open at an O-Town interview. The Interview Lady sits down with her tape recorder as the boys settle in for random questions about their favorite colors (Trevor: Black; Ashley: Nine), musical inspirations (Jacob: The Beatles, Erik: the theme from ChiPs), and movies (Dan: The Man Who Wasn't There). But what's this? This Interview Lady dares to go where no interview lady has gone before. Shirley Halperin from Hits Magazine reads from a recent Variety review that says, "The smiling quintet's highly choreographed show came across as little more than paint-by-numbers kiddie entertainment." And then she adds, "A skin-crawling horror." Everybody in the room looks miserable, except Erik, who looks stoned. They can't believe Shirley the Interview Lady would dare to read from the pile of reviews Mike on the Mike doesn't let them see. Shirely smiles with great pleasure as she tells the boys that Variety called the debut album "an abomination." You can tell Shirley told someone, "I'm going to be on their show pimp-smacking those kids!" and her friends were all, "Shirley! You're the coolest!" Shirley asks the boys how they respond to that type of criticism. And then she smiles again, pleased with herself that she almost got Jacob to cry. Dan says it's a very easy thing to make fun of O-Town. I will consider that a shout-out. Shirley points out that O-Town is actually a very large collection of puppet masters, and five guys with long strings and malleable limbs. She says that people have a problem with O-Town because we don't get a sense of who they are. Not this season, anyway. I think Shirley's just mad this show's moved to MTV. So Shirley asks point-blank: "Who are you guys? Who is O-Town?" The boys all look back at her like, "We've been filmed for three fucking years answering that question, girlie. Watch the fucking show."
Opening credits. This week, I hate Erik's blue shirt. Hate it. Wait. Hate Trevor's vinyl vest more. Wait. Hate Jacob's bedazzled shirt collar more. Wait. Hate Dan's bendy neck. Wait. I really hate that Erik's barefoot. No, I just hate Jacob and the thing growing on his chin.
Shirley reminds the guys that the question is, "So, who really is O-Town?" Jacob says that they wanted to be a "music group" that was signed to a record label. Who is he talking about? Is he talking about O-Town? Because I don't remember when these guys all met as kids and played together as a band until they auditioned for a record label. Did you guys see that episode? Shirley asks whether the boys have played their new songs for Clive yet. Ashley stammers that they haven't, but that he knows they're writing songs. Everyone hates Shirley. Ashley says that Clive doesn't have a reason to think that they're writing, though, because he hasn't heard anything from them. Shirley reminds the guys that people will only be impressed once they're writing their own songs for the album.
Here's the gem sentence from Ashley: "This time around, what's important for us is to focus in on our songwriting ability and grow as writers."
Jacob's choice sentence: "I like doing these interviews. It reminds us of how much we have to grow. And reminds us that not everybody out there likes O-Town." You know, when I tell people the shows that I recap, usually people have no idea. I'll say Gilmore Girls and they'll go, "Oh, is that the show with the mom and the kid that's on during Buffy?" Or I'll say Queer as Folk and they'll go, "Is that the gay show? I don't have Showtime." Then I say Making the Band and they say, "Never heard of it." I'll say it's on MTV. "Oh, I never watch MTV anymore. No videos." Then I'll say "O-Town," and they'll go, "I don't know who that is. Who's O-Town? Is that a band?" Then I'll hum "Liquid Dreams" or "All or Nothing," and all I'll get in return are blank stares. "Your job is weird," they often say. ["It was probably worse when you were still doing Popstars, and you'd have to explain it as, 'It's like Making the Band, but with girls,' and they'd say, 'I have no idea what you just said to me.'" -- Wing Chun] But back to Jacob, who thinks the world is about him. Jacob says he knows O-Town has the talent, and that they just have to prove it. He says he feels like it's "now or never." Wait. No fair reciting lines from your Diane Warren-written song to express how you feel, Jake. That's cheating.
We should just count how many times the boys use the singular possessive pronouns in this episode. It's remarkable. Dan says, "I don't really care what a critic says, but I want it to be things that I want to say, and music that I'm excited to play and I'm excited about." Trevor points out that to do that they'll have to write their own songs. He admits to us that he's a little afraid of writing music. Jacob closes with another choice sentence: "I think this critic proves the exact fact that we just began to scratch the surface of proving people...wrong." I know all of those words, but not in that order.
If Jacob had his way, the O-Town album would be completely acoustic. Jacob's playing a song for Dan in a studio. The title tells us that this is "Meant For You." They add "By Jacob Underwood" in case we were about to mistake this for real music. Jacob hits his guitar strings a couple of times, causing Dan's neck to spasm involuntarily. It's so sad, Dan's bendy-neck affliction. Jacob says that he's written so many songs that he has a hard time figuring out which ones would be good to submit for O-Town. He thinks that that this might be the right one. Jacob wrote this song for Janie. He tells us that he loves music and he loves Janie, and when his chocolate gets in his peanut butter, that's when the magic happens, my friends. That's when the magic happens.
We get a flashback to the episode in which they went to the cabin in Utah where Trevor farted. We watch Janie read the letters to Jacob again. I've already recapped it. I'll just tell you what I said last time.
Jacob is still strumming a guitar somewhere. Janie interrupts him and asks if she can read these letters he wrote for her when they were kids. It's basically a tiny Jacob saying that he likes Janie and he even loves her and he likes her too. Then she calls him a dork...
Second verse, same as the first. Jacob won't put the guitar down for a second to kiss his girlfriend. He tells us that he's madly in love with her.
Establishing shots of New York, complete with police siren so we know we're in the "gritty city." The offices of J Records. O-Town is fucking around on a conference table, pushing each other along the tabletop. It's a $3 million table and these fuckers are scratching the finish with their grommets. Tennis shoe streaks. I'm old. Erik and Trevor slide water bottles and each other across the slippery surface. They play water-glass hockey across the table to each other. I have a hard time believing that when O-Town takes a meeting with Clive, it's just the six of them. Ashley says that if Clive sees them cutting up like this, he's going to think that they'll pick any songs for their second album since they're so easily amused. Ash, he knew that when he met you. It has nothing to do with your glass-sliding skills.
The Crypt Keeper enters the room. Jacob calls him "C-Diddy." No shit, y'all. C-Diddy. Clive gets right to business, reading from the new issue of Billboard that shows that O-Town jumped from 124 to 101 in its 42nd week on the chart. Wow. Thank you, MTV. Clive asks about the single. Jacob immediately chimes in saying that they want to release "Love Should Be a Crime." Doesn't he know after that entire episode dedicated to the song that we aren't interested in having to hear it all day long? Ashley tells us that it's a "different-sounding song," and they're hoping it's the single. We see still shots of that episode, in which we were subjected to Too Much Jacob and Erik in a squinty face. Clive says they all know that the song isn't going to be a hit record. It's not testing well. With the world. The world hates your song, Jacob. Jacob tells us that Clive's a genius, but that when Clive says something's not going to be a hit, Jacob still has to disagree. "What do you test?" Jacob wonders. He then says that he would think that record executives would have a better understanding of what "good music" is rather than test audiences. I have to sit on the floor and laugh for a very long time. Clive says that they've tested the song four times and still nobody likes it. Clive says they have to end this album with a hit, and they can't end on a "no-charter." Did they release "Girl" yet? Because I think that's the winner, right there. We get several shots of Jacob amazed into silence. Blissful silence. Clive asks from whom they think it would be productive to find the A-material. Erik explains to us that it's "common practice" for bands like O-Town to have to get their songs from people who know how to write songs. Dan says he'd like "harder-hitting, like, 'Girl' kind of stuff." Does he mean the song "Girl," or does he want songs about hitting girls really hard? Clive says, "With respect to your writing, you got your careers at stake. It's not easy to write a hit song." Erik says that nothing they write is going to compare to Diane Warren or Nelly. Nelly? Is Nelly really considered a top songwriter? It makes me want to quit listening to music. Like, it's over. If Nelly is the top songwriter of our time, fuck music. Clive smiles and says that he has a highly developed fear of failure. He hopes to make that "contagious" so that the boys raise the bar for themselves. Jacob says, "This time around I really want my songs on the album. I'm really nervous about it, um, but I believe that I, I can write. It's scary."
After the commercial, I seriously think about quitting this show. Here's why. It's not fair that, when you make a movie, or work for a television show, you have to get "clearance" to put any old song in your work, but MTV doesn't have to. MTV can put any song anywhere at any time, and so they do. So this segment of the boys trying to write a song is punctuated with Radiohead's "Pyramid Song." That's fucked up, guys. You can't put Radiohead down as if Trevor's potentially going to write the "Karma Police." It's not right. It's so wrong that Thom Yorke's other eye is threatening to go all squinty. As we fade out from Radiohead's near perfect music with complicated rhythms and time signatures, Trevor says, "I've never really sat down and written music before?" He says it like a question. And this is where I have to stand up and re-evaluate whether this show is worth it. "It's not gonna come out of my mouth and onto the paper and just be brilliant right away." Trevor writes with his mouth. That's so crazy. Trevor scribbles and pouts into his secret Anastasia Krupnik notebook until his brain hurts from trying to rhyme "love" with "dove." Radiohead swirls around, mocking Trevor.
Cut to shirtless Ashley. Shirtless Ashley. I've been asking for this for so long, and now it's here and I had to pay for it by listening to Radiohead while Trevor attempted songwriting. Okay, so it must be four in the morning or something. Ashley and Jacob are both shirtless. I'm closing my left eye so I only have to look at the pretty naked boy. It has to be really late or early, because Ashley's looking a little puffy. It's not the pretty naked Ashley I'm used to. The one who showered so perfectly. Ashley's singing his new song called "I Know" that he wrote all by himself. How did Ashley get all of these instruments on this track he's singing over? Why does Jacob have to have strummy guitar, but Ashley just has to hit "track three"? How does that happen? Ashley's really into singing his song, adding a Fisting of Emotion in there so he hits a high note. Ashley's kinda pasty. Dammit, I hate when you get what you want and it's not as good as it was in your head. Also, he has to open his entire face to get a breath before he sings. Like he's playing Peek-a-Boo with me. Ashley tells us that his songwriting is both a "passion" and a "release." I'm assuming that once this camera was off the half-naked Jacob and Ashley, there was both "passion" and a "release" or two. Jacob can't help singing harmony as Ashley's trying to sing his song. Ashley tells us that he's putting his "everything" into these songs that he's writing. Jacob begrudgingly tells Ashley that he likes the song. They both agree that the chorus is the best part. You know, where Ashley just says the words "I know" over and over again.
Dan tells us that he just recently "got into" writing songs, and now he's "infatuated" with the "process." It's that easy, guys. Go get you a boy band. Dan's playing for Trevor. The screen tells us that this is "American Game" by Dan Miller and Jacob Underwood. You can tell because it sounds like the Black Crowes when they're pretending they can't write songs. Who's this Billy that Dan keeps talking about? Anyway, Billy taught him the guitar part and Jacob wrote the rest, so I don't know how exactly Dan thinks he wrote part of the song. Trevor tells us that Dan is "fearless" about his songwriting. He writes every day and puts himself out there. Wait. Dan said he just started doing this. Trevor adds that Dan writes "some good shit." I hope the boys start cussing now that The Osbournes is doing so well.
Jacob's singing "Meant For You" again. He's having a hard time with it, he admits to us, but he adds that it's worth it to him to get this song right since it's about Janie. "I just can't rush the process," he says. "It needs to be right." "The process." I hate people who talk about their work like that. "The process." I hate actors who say the word "synergy." I hate producers who say the word "melding." Jacob says that this song will be a more creative way to say "I love you."
Jacob calls up Janie and asks her to come visit him. He tells us that she inspires him. He adds: "And also relieves so much. It gets so stressful in there." Everybody's releasing things this episode. He says she's his partner and he needs her, so we see a shot of a plane flying overhead so we know Janie got on the plane to Orlando.
Montage of good Christian times over Michelle Branch singing. Janie and Jacob skate. They clutch hands and start their prayer class. Jacob reads from John 18:36. Jacob says, "Janie shares something with me that nobody does in the fact that we grew up together." Perhaps your family might share that trait with you as well, Jacob. We see old pictures of the two of them through Jacob's many bad hair choices. Jacob says, "So, to have a person that understands your morals and understands you need to pray every day. And she keeps me accountable because you don't always want to do those things, I'll be honest." Jacob then reads from his Bible, but has a hard time pronouncing the word "cometh." He uses a silent "e" on that. He reads a section that says, "For the kingdom of God is within you." Janie says, "Yeah. God is just saying it's within you is my kingdom of heaven." Wow. She really sees into the Word, doesn't she? "It's not about works which we always get confused about, I think." Janie and Jacob have their own strange language. And their Bibles look like workbooks.
Jacob sings his new song to Janie. One of the lines is "What's so important about this life if I have another?" I'm pretty sure this Christian song is fixing to blast some Buddhists. Janie says she likes the song. Jacob asks whether she thinks it's too serious. Janie's mouth says no, but her face clearly says, "Uh, yeah. You are not Cat Stevens, buddy." Jacob says that Janie's opinion is very valuable to him. Janie tells her that he'll never know unless he finishes writing it. Jacob tells us, "I trust her more so than record executives or writers." This kid's gonna go far, I tell you. Girls, when O-Town breaks up, you know who your Yoko is.
Silent Mike's in his black turtleneck listening to Jacob whine that his record company doesn't have the same taste in music he does. "Always the artist, right?" Mike says when Jacob's finished bitching, but it doesn't really make any sense for him to say that. Jacob's complaining that he has to write songs that sound exactly like the songs they've already performed and that the group isn't growing. Silent Mike says that Jacob's probably not going to change pop music. "To be the band that does that is a big step," he says. "The Beatles did it. You know, Led Zeppelin did it." Jacob concludes, "I know that this band has more to offer." Jacob, don't you guys think you've done enough damage already? More importantly, did I miss the album where Led Zeppelin was a pop group? Mike continues covering Jacob in bullshit by telling him that J Records thought they signed a boy band and are now shocked to find that they've got artists. Artists who make "major contributions" to their albums, play their own instruments, write their own songs, have musical backgrounds, write good songs, and are musical gods in their own minds. Jacob uses a sentence including the words "determination" and "passion." His new plan is just to keep playing Clive songs he doesn't want to hear until he breaks down and lets Jacob have one crappy song so that he doesn't have to bear the torture anymore. I used to do this tactic with my mom. It's called the "PLEEEEEEEEEASE, MOOOOOMMMMMY?" technique, where you just whine the same two words over and over again until you get what you want. It always worked for my sister. With me, it just got a spanking. Which one will Jacob get? Let's find out!
Trevor's having a heart-to-heart with Boston Mike. Oh, I'm sorry. It's some guy from LFO named Rich Cronin. Where else do we know the name Cronin? Wait. Have we met this guy before? Did LFO write that shitty "Chinese food makes me sick" song? I hate everything. Trevor gets the following advice from Rich: "You're uncomfortable with it 'cause it's new to you, you know? Like, but, but, dude, you don't understand. You have it in you -- you know what I mean? You're like a musical person." Trevor: "I think I come up with really good concepts for songs? It's writing it down to make it sound hip enough and cool enough and putting it with a melody." Oh, is that all? It's just the writing of the words and the music that's keeping you from songwriting? You'll be fine, Trev. Rich tells Trevor to write from his heart, no matter how corny it sounds. Trevor knows he'll regret it if he shies away from this and everybody else is performing songs for Clive. "Don't be inhibited, ever," Rich says. "Do it." Trevor responds: "Cool."
Trevor's struggling with his guitar, and I think his bandana reads "Drunk Girls Rule." Trevor says he knows he has to dig deep and write from his heart, but he's not sure how to do that. We leave Trevor struggling with a pen in his mouth as we go to commercial.
We pick back up with Trevor struggling, but now Jacob's asking to hear Trevor's song. Trevor doesn't want to sing it. Jacob says there's no point in Trevor writing songs if nobody gets to hear them. Trevor says he's not ready for anybody to hear it yet, but Jacob's not taking no for an answer. "I know you're not working on lullabies in here. You're working on something," Jacob says. What does that mean? Trevor looks so upset as he explains his song. It's about a guy who's been in love with a girl forever, and since Trev's only twenty-one or whatever, his concept is "forever" means they've been together since they were "eight or nine years old." I love that, by the way. And now the guy's at the ripe old age of twenty-four and is ready to settle down and get married, so he's asking this girl if she's ready. Because at twenty-four, that's fucking old, right, Trev? So Trevor starts singing this song he's written and I swear to God that LFO guy is going to storm in and steal it and take it back to his band. It's not bad. It's not O-Town, and probably if it goes to O-Town Trevor won't be the one singing it, but it doesn't suck. Jacob says he's shocked and didn't expect this to come from Trevor at all. I must agree. "You mean, the concept?" Trevor asks. "Yeah, the fact that you even have a concept," Jacob says. Hee. Jacob says that when most people first start writing songs, it's just a bunch of recycled bullshit and recycled lyrics. Trevor says he didn't write about himself. Jacob says he knows that. Jacob smacks Trevor's knee and says, "If you need some help writing lyrics, it's pretty much mine." At first I thought he meant he was claiming "lyrics" as his department, but I realize he's saying that Trevor's writing about his life and so he'd be willing to help if Trevor needs to understand that kind of guy. Trevor tells us that if he's going to have a career as an artist, he needs to get over his fear, so that's what he's planning to do. Yay, Trevor. After Jacob leaves, Trevor falls to the floor in a release of tension. So much releasing! Get Erik to help you, Trev.
Jacob has decided to play "Meant For You" to Clive. Because he likes taking a beating, I guess. Jacob tells us he wanted Clive to have "some kind of an idea" on where Jacob "wanted to take O-Town's music." Jacob bops offbeat to his own song as Clive decides in .02 seconds that he doesn't like it. Jacob tells us that he thinks this song could fit that "Love Should Be a Crime" sound this group has. This group doesn't have a "Love Should Be a Crime" sound. That's what Clive was just telling you. That song was a mistake. There are other people in the room listening, but we don't get to see their pained expressions as Jacob sings. He really should have gotten Ashley to sing it for the audition track. It might have gone over better with Clive. Who can turn down Ashley? We watch Jacob shrivel up and die inside as Clive tells him that this is just a simple pop song and doesn't really go very deep lyrically. When you can't see Clive and you just hear him, it sounds like he's talking from behind a mask, like Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky. Clive takes a moment to mock the lyrics, which aren't any different than those of "...Baby One More Time." Jacob says he understands that some songs need more lyrical depth, but that this one was just to put a smile on your face. Aw. Jacob should have brought in his Christian song and then heard what Clive had to say. Clive says that this song is an "album card" and not a candidate for a single. That's better than nothing, Jacob. He spits at us, "It's all about testing, and business and profits...and that's just a bunch of B.S." Oooooooh. "B.S." Jacob is hella pissed, you guys. He said two letters that meant a bad word.
Jacob recaps to Trevor what happened with Clive. He says that he was bummed because Clive didn't seem to like the song too much. Jacob just repeats everything that just happened, so I'm not recapping it again. "It's all good, dude," Trevor concludes. Jacob says that his song is just a "straight-up love song" and that it can't be more than that. Clive didn't say it won't go on the album, for Pete's sake. Jacob says that he's written many songs for Janie, but that this is the first time he had the opportunity to put it on an album. Trevor says that the most important thing is to write songs that people can hear, and if that means they hear it in a concert or on a street it doesn't matter. Someone gave Trevor smarts this episode. I wonder what happened to Erik. Where is he? Jacob says he just wants Janie to hear it. Trevor says that they'll do the song at the concert Janie's attending. Aw, Trev. You can't make any decisions like that.
But somehow Jacob gets to sing the song in New York. Janie's off to the side in tears as we're all subjected to the entire song. The boys are singing backup. I still say this should be Ashley's song. We see Janie through the fog machine, hands clutched in happiness and/or prayer. Jacob's song hints that they have had sex, by the way. You guys want the lyrics, right? Here goes:
Oooh, oooh, oooh, ooooh.
Wake up in the morning
I can't wait to see your face.
Never been this happy in all my life.
Take a sip of water
and lay gently by your side.
Praying that the sun would never rise.
A loving kiss upon your cheek before you wake.
And laying back and watch you sleep.
Then I write some song to tell you one more time.
How I loved you and I need you in my life.
Somebody needs some grammar lessons, is all I'm saying. We're switching tenses like a motherfucker here. Jacob says they sing countless love songs for thousands of girls every night, but to be able to sing "MY" song for "MY" girl is so much better. Somebody help me down. I seem to be trapped on top of Jacob's giant head.
Oooh, oooh, oooh, ooooh.
'Cause I can't live without you.
I can't breathe without you.
I can't see my life without you.
I have no reason to doubt that you were meant
Meant for me.
And I was meant for you.
Oooh, oooh, oooh, ooooh.
'Cause I was meant for you.
'Cause you were meant for me. Yeah.
'Cause I was meant for you.
'Cause I was meant for...
You.
Jewel just called. She wants most of her song back.
time, the pressure's on when Clive has put the kibosh on almost all of O-Town's own writing. Will Erik ever get his own song? Rich Cronin thinks not. Is he Boston Mike's brother? That's it, isn't it? They're brothers. Nepotism.