First of all, mad props to Stee, who pointed out that I didn't mention the choice Trevor line of last week. He said, when discussing the members of O-Town, "We may fight, we may have our tidbits...." I didn't even notice that. Their "tidbits."
Also, watching the Sunday morning version of the show allows you to see that last little teaser that The Hook-Up covers with video segments and ads. Last week, Trevor and his father played the saddest game of free-throws ever. Try to catch that, if you can.
Okay, now here we go. You have to know that every single second of this episode is completely scripted. The boys are obviously acting at every moment. They can't even start acting without all giving each other head signals that they are about to start acting. As a friend of mine says, "I've seen better acting in fast-actin' Tinactin." We start with a voice-over as we watch footage of fans cheering. We're told it's a "very special" night here on Making the Band. O-Town's going to be in Germany, and they've made a special "tribute film to their fans." We see the boys jump over fire hydrants while laughing at themselves. In the back, you can see someone telling Erik who the Beatles are.
After the credits, we're in a tiny movie theater house. The boys welcome us and tell us that they've always wanted to make a movie for their fans. See, you learn something new every day. Dan wins the Understatement of the Year Award by telling us that they're not going to win any awards for this film. Jacob mocks offense and says that the film is a masterpiece and their best work. It may, in fact, be the best song they've ever written, this film here. Ashley gives a stilted interruption, telling the powers that be to "roll the tape."
Go with me. I'm not making any of this up. I know that you're not watching the show anymore, and that I really have the power just to make up episodes and fake recaps, but this is actually what's happening. Grainy stock footage of Germany appears on a movie screen as the boys settle in to "watch" their "film." The title reads: "Mike and Mike present: Hamburg With Cheese." At least they're being honest. "A Film by O-Town." Well, not entirely honest. As the "credits" roll, we see still shots of the boys fooling around pretending to be the Beatles. Fatboy Slim's "Weapon of Choice" grooves on in the background, and I do find myself enjoying the music of Making the Band for the first time ever. Dan gets his butt pinched by a German girl. Jacob pretends to fight on a telephone. I see he got that ugly knit hat past customs. Erik does something like breakdancing, and falls to his knees as the other boys laugh at him. Trevor jumps a row of poles, proving that the boy has no nads whatsoever. He's also decided to bleach the tips of his 'fro blond. See, you would normally think I was kidding. I'm so sad that I'm not. The boys look around, but they can't find Ashley! Where's Ashley? Where could he be?! Oh, Ashley! You were just hiding in an alleyway, pretending to read the newspaper. You can't read, Ashley! Ashley gives us a quick "Shh!" which they've piped in over the silent montage. He then opens his arms wide in that "I didn't do it!" pose we've grown to know and mostly despise. The credits tell us that "The Euro-Babes of Germany" are also co-stars. Featuring "Susan," a cheap German actress we'll meet later; Rosemarie, a cheap German actress we'll hardly meet; Christin, a cheap German actress I've already forgotten; and Mrs. Petersilg as the foreign housewife.
Shots of fans hugging O-Town, posing for pictures. Fans cheer and wave at us. Hamburg, Germany looks like a Mardi Gras party. "Wassup?" the title card reads. Silent Mike's in his uniform -- which works very well in Germany -- and announces to the boys that their friend Verner is there to help teach the boys a little German for their show. Verner would also like to be the little German in their show, and the little German they love with all their hearts. Jacob says the following words in this order: "Hey, Verner, listen. We were just tryin' to talk about tryin' to learn some German for the show." Keep tryin' the English first, Jake. Verner says it's a good idea, because it'll make the German fans respect them. You know, if O-Town could speak my native language, I'd probably respect them more, too. Ashley and Jacob ask to learn "What's up?" in German. It's something that sounds like "Vee-GETS." For some reason Verner decides to teach them how to say "I like oranges" in German. Jacob's still shouting "Vee-GETS," but now he's doing it like he's Smelly Soprano. Ashley wants to know how to say "My family is originally from Hamburg." That's something you just shout out during a concert, isn't it? Ashley tries to say the German translation, but Jacob just wants Verner to talk about big oranges again. Ashley tells Verner, "That's a perfect German lesson." Really?
Crowd-surfing. A fan holds up a sign that reads, "Dan, I want to be your liquid dream." Ick. And I don't think that sign was in Germany. The editors have fun with the subtitles, translating the fans so they say they're here for a Marilyn Manson show. Other girls are translated as saying they want to kill each other, or that they think they're crazy. One group of girls scream "Trevor," but the screen reads, "Jacob."
Backstage, Verner is still teaching Ashley how to say "Ashley" in German. Ashley has a cheat sheet so he can just read "My family is from Hamburg" when the time is just right. Ashley and Erik give each other hand signals that they're all right. The crowd screams and the boys take the stage.
"Every Six Seconds...Someone Faints" reads the title card. Girls scream as we watch grainy, hard-to-see footage of the boys performing. Jacob is so terribly off, he doesn't even do a turn when the rest of the boys do. The girls scream. Our cameraman has a very shitty seat way in the back to the one girl who seems to know all of the words to the song. She's also wearing an American flag shirt, so I think something's a little rotten in Hamburg. We see Security pull out girl after fainted girl and drag her out of the audience. The last one is a very wee, very sweaty boy. The choreography has gone completely to hell during "Every Six Seconds," and really only Trevor and Dan are still even bothering. Jacob shouts out "Vee-Gets," and the girls scream. Ashley shouts in German that German girls are very beautiful. The girls scream. Apparently the word for "girl" in German is "girl." Girls in the audience snap illegal photos as they scream. Ashley then talks, and the subtitle reads, "My grandfather comes from big oranges!" Then the sound mixer has the crowd get very quiet and they cue a laugh track. We see a girl yawn, and someone makes a giant yawn noise, and it's like I'm watching America's Funniest Home Videos or something. We see another fan talk as the subtitle reads, "That blows! When we saw *NSYNC they spoke perfect German." Backstage, the boys tell Ashley that he said his grandfather came from big oranges. Ashley is fake shocked beyond fake belief. If you look over Silent Mike's turtlenecked shoulder, you can see Chris Farley dressed in his Chippendale's outfit standing in the corner. No, wait. The camera just changed angles as Dan calls Ashley "Dr. Smooth," and you can see it's clearly Meatloaf circa 1981. Ashley thinks he might be able to spin this fake mishap into his "thing," not unlike the Happy Dance. He says that every time he comes back to Germany, he can be from a different fruit. Eight jokes I can make off that last sentence. I'll let you pick your favorite.
1. When is that time, exactly, Ashley?
2. How about time you come back as a different fruit than the one you are right now?
3. Maybe your "thing" could be to sing and dance in tune.
4. Can Jacob come back time as a plum instead of Jacob?
5. No wonder Erik's so sweet on you.
6. time, you should come back as a descendant of bananas. Now show me your banana.
7. Seriously, when's that time you're coming back?
8. Germany. On a tour. That's what you mean? Another tour? Of what?
"Chase This!" reads the title. Silent Mike tells the boys that it's a complete "madhouse" outside, so they're sending the bus down the street as if O-Town is inside, and they're going to pile into an ambulance instead. Hope nobody in Hamburg hurts themselves for the hour. The boys pile into the ambulance and ask for the lights to be turned on. It's better to hide with the lights on, anyway. Jacob and Ashley joke, "So there I was...in the back of an ambulance in the middle of Germany surrounded by crazy girls!" Man, I wish the girls would tip the ambulance. Just rock it and tip it. Instead, they flank it, and the boys are just a tad bit scared. They can see through the windows, and they aren't hidden at all. It looks like German boys are pounding on the window, though. Silent Mike says he's not sure that the door locks, so if he falls out the back door, he wants someone to pull him back in by his leg. Erik makes a "ho!" noise in response. The ambulance drives away, and suddenly there's not one female in sight. There is a black car trailing them, though.
"The Morning After..." reads the title card. "Berlin," they tell us during some Berlin establishing shots. By the way, this episode is "letterboxed," and on the bottom left corner the title reads: "The O-Town Movie." It's just like watching IFC.
Café. Trevor says he's proud of them for getting up and having a breakfast like they're family. They all decide they want orange juice. This is after the giant lattes they're currently drinking. The waitress brings orange juice, and Dan claps as the rest of the boys make appreciative noises, still unable to say "Thank you" in German. They opt for two quick claps instead. Mike on the Mike walk in wearing their new "Scared To Act" sticks in their asses. Boston Mike announces that they need to go. He picks up his sleeve and tries the motivation "You're Late" by saying they're twenty minutes late to something already. They ask if they can take their food to go. The table just has coffee and orange juice on it. The Mikes can't act their way out of a paper bag, and just insist that the boys have to leave right now, without even paying the bill. Ashley announces that he has to go to the bathroom, and Episode 287 of Three's Company has just been re-enacted. Boston Mike tells Ashley to go to the bathroom later. Ashley watches the guys walk out of the diner ("Danke for Nada, Bitch-ah!"). Ashley stops and decides he really needs to pee right now and can't wait for later.
Silent Mike acts poorly as Jacob asks just how late "really late" is. It's really late, apparently, and Silent Mike swoops Jacob into the van with his hand. Silent Mike asks Dan where the other guys are. Dan says the others are in the other van. Silent Mike slams the van door. Trevor's in the other van telling Boston Mike that everyone's in the "other van." He slams the door. Where's Erik? The vans drive off. Ashley walks out of the bathroom, past his camera crew and out to the street, where there are no more vans. Suddenly, there's a girl in the diner; she wasn't there at any moment before. "You gotta be kidding me," Ashley says, and right before him, clearly, are the two vans that the boys just drove off in. I swear to you, it's the same blue van and black van. At least film your fake scenes in a correct order or watch some kind of continuity. Man.
The boys welcome us back to the "special edition" of Making the Band. Ashley's wearing a Led Zeppelin shirt. He has no idea who they are. Ashley makes a fake face as Trevor and Erik joke that Ashley got lost in Berlin. "Ashley gets lost everywhere we go!" Trevor shouts.
"Rescue Me" reads the title card. Ashley stands by the two vans that aren't supposed to be his two vans and walks back into the diner where the new girl who's supposed to be a total stranger is sitting. Alicia Keys starts wailing and my coffee mug shatters. The German girl almost misses her cue as Ashley walks up to her and stands beside her. She doesn't say anything, so he starts to walk off. She stands up and stammers, "Sorry." She asks if he's Ashley from O-Town. Ashley laughs and says his line too early. They say it's nice to meet each other. Ashley asks whether she saw five guys drive away in vans. Now, does he think that there are five other guys in O-Town or does he count Mike on the Mike as one person? Either way, Ash -- get a Math tutor pronto, buddy. The girl asks if she can help him. Ashley reads his line, asking if she has a car. She does, of course, and away we go with the fun! Aw, hell, I'm throwing in some more exclamation points for that last sentence: !!!!!!! He asks her to take him to the Forum Hotel. She says it's not far away, and that she can do that easily. Hi, we still don't know her name. Ashley thanks her, and they walk out of the diner, still not paying any check at all. Not that there was a single soul inside that diner. Ashley tells the girl that the guys must think he's with them. I love how he knows he's so unimportant that they can think he's in the room when he's not there.
Shots of Germany. The title card reads: "At the Hotel...Frantic Over Ashley." It's Trevor and Dan sticking fruit in their upper gums under their lips. They look like extras from Planet of the Apes. Trevor goofs around, pretending Dan's his "Pa." He says that all the kids at school make fun of him. Dan's got the giggles. "You're special, son," Dan says. "And don't let anybody tell you any different." I'm laughing here, because it's nice to see the boys goof around and have fun. See? This is funny. Trevor says, "I said that I was special, and they still made fun of me." "Don't let anybody make fun of you, Son," Dan says and they break down in giggles. Then they have to go back to acting. They walk over to their hotel-room door and open it to see the six girls who have been planted there to scream. The girls scream, and the boys joke around with fruit still in their mouths. Music plays until the boys shut the door. One of the girls was late on her cue to "freak out." The boys giggle, wondering, I hope, when they get their own lives back again.
More establishing shots of Germany. Ashley finally asks this girl's name. It's Susan. Ashley introduces himself again, and Susan screams that she knows his name is Ashley. She says, "I see you and I say, 'Okay, I ask him.' I ask him, 'Are you Ashley?' And you are! You are Ashley." Ashley asks if the hotel is far. Susan says that it is, even though she said earlier that it wasn't. She says she'd like to stop at her friend's house to show him off because her friend is a huge fan and it'd mean a lot to her. Ashley asks if it's on the way. Susan says it is, so Ashley agrees to go since he appreciates the ride so much. No cell phones or pay phones or taxis in Germany. Just helpful strange German girls. The editors make a joke by showing us a shot of a neon sign that reads "Schmuck."
I don't know German, so I don't know when they're fucking with the subtitles, or if the girls are "acting" these lines, or a combo of both, but Susan shows up at her friend's apartment and announces in German that she's got a surprise for her. She points at Ashley. The girl freaks out as if she didn't know Ashley was coming, even though she had a camera crew inside of her apartment already. Ashley hugs her and says hello and as the girl goes to shut the door a light goes off in the hallway, making me think that perhaps Ashley just made an entrance through a bedroom or bathroom door instead of a real hallway. A blonde girl walks up and hugs Ashley. The subtitle tells us that one girl says to the other, "He's beautiful! How long can we keep him!" The girls are hugging, so I'm not buying it. They ask why the girl didn't bring the rest of O-Town. Susan leads the group into the sparse apartment and says that the rest of the band got away before she could grab them.
"Erik Estrada, International Chick Magnet." Erik appears to be walking down the staircase inside a record company or something. He turns the corner, prompting twenty or so girls to scream and start chasing him. Erik is sporting a denim jacket that was all the rage of my seventh-grade class. The best part of this episode is just how much music they're using that's not O-Town's. Erik runs in and out of the building with the girls chasing him. He takes the elevator; they take the stairs. He ditches them on another elevator and runs out the door.
"I'm Keeping Him" reads the title card. More establishing shots of Germany, in case you forgot where we were. Ashley's kidnapper is still talking to her friends as a clueless Ashley sits nearby, grinning like a Cheshire cat. The subtitles tell us that Susan is bragging that she's never bringing Ashley back to his hotel. "He's so trusting!" the subtitle reads. "How cute!" Another blonde girl is brought into the room. This one can't be a day over ten. She's very happy to meet Ashley, and hugs him. She just keeps saying the word "Ashley" over and over as she walks up to him. It's very cute. He asks her name. She breathlessly tells him it's "Maria." She runs away to get something. Ashley tells the girls that he's lost. Susan is now speaking in English to her friends as Maria walks back up with an O-Town shirt. Ashley tries to sign it, but Susan explains that Maria wants him to take off his shirt and give her his so she can have something he's worn. Ashley is really the best sport in the world. He goes into the other room and changes shirts. He's not forced to wear an O-Town shirt around Germany, looking like a complete tool. Ashley's apologizing that he's got to leave. The subtitles tell us that Susan's saying she has other plans for him now. "She'll tell ya," Ashley says. Everyone says goodbye to him. Ashley tells Maria that his shirt's going to be too big for her. Not that big, Ash. You're about the size of a ten-year-old German girl. Ashley and Susan leave with the crew still inside the apartment. The girls jump up and down in celebration.
"Still Worried Sick Over Ashley" reads the title card. Dan and Jacob miss American food. They want hamburgers and pizza. They're in Hamburg, right? They fakely turn a corner and run into a group of girls waiting for them so they can scream on cue. Jacob and Dan do a bad double take and run away. The girls follow. Jacob almost eats shit on the rug. The girls have body mics.
Establishing shots of Germany. Ashley asks Susan if they're far from the hotel. She says they're not too far. She gets a phone call. The subtitles tell us she's telling her friend that Ashley is very gullible and will go for anything. She says she'll bring him right over. She hangs up, turns to Ashley, and says that she'd really like to stop at another friend's apartment because it would mean a lot to her friend who's a huge fan and blah, blah, blah scriptcakes. Ashley says he doesn't know how he could do it, even though it would be "the biggest pleasure" for her.
Establishing shots of Germany and they're at the other friend's apartment. It looks strangely exactly like the last apartment. Susan pushes Ashley into the room. He says, "Hey." The two girls sitting on some kind of bed-looking thing are very surprised and happy to see Ashley. They get breathless and try to fix their hair as Ashley comments that they have O-Town posters all over their apartment. These two girls are about fourteen, so I don't know how this is their apartment. The posters are incredibly fake. It's five copies of one poster fanned out and taped to the wall. Like all teenaged girls do.
"Still Panicked Over Ashley." Still Wondering How Long This Will Go On. Trevor, Jacob, Dan, and the Mikes are pretending to have a meeting as paid teenaged girls outside chant "O-Town." Dan stops eating room service and stands to look out the window with Jacob. Trevor opens the balcony door and chuckles when he sees the thirty girls screaming below. Jacob, Trevor, and Dan play Eva Peron. Screaming and applauding. Nine girls chant "O-Town."
Man, it doesn't get much cheesier than this. There's a knock at the door. Everyone is quiet for a second. Jacob says he hopes it's Security. Silent Mike says he doubts it's Ashley. Silent Mike answers. It's a bellman, and the subtitle reads: "If the blond one doesn't return, can I join your band? Everyone tells me I look like Ikaika." Silent Mike slams the door in the kid's face. He knocks again. Mike answers. "You have to leave the hotel," the bellman says in perfect English. "Because your fans are disturbing all the other guests." Silent Mike badly acts that he can't believe they're getting kicked out. He shuts the door with an "okay," and tells the boys they've been kicked out. Nobody is really that upset, because it's not really happening. Then we freeze on shots of the boys as we hear frantic voice-overs. Erik: "We've been kicked out!?" Trevor: "Ashley is still missing!" Jacob: "Hmm. I wonder if Clive likes my songwriting." It's like I'm dreaming this episode, and soon I'll wake up and find myself with my cat on my chest, sticking his muzzle in my ear.
We're back in the fake theater for another fake segment segue. Erik tells us that Ashley's been kidnapped, and they just got kicked out of their hotel. Trevor asks how they got kicked out of their own hotel in their own movie. "Dude!" Jacob shouts. "All the cool bands get kicked out of their hotels!" The boys all nod fiercely, but they don't know the names of any real bands, so they all just stop talking. "Roll it" is all Erik can think to say.
Ashley's leaving the fake O-Town-loving apartment, telling the girls that he and Susan wanted to stop by and say hello. "No fair! You said we could keep him!" read the subtitles. The girls ask in English for five minutes. Ashley says he'd love to stay five minutes, but he can't. The girl has a total freak-out, jumping up and down and pleading. Ashley makes his "torn" face, but has no real choice.
Cut to the full meal that Ashley's consuming with the girls. Ashley wins for best line as he gestures to the food and says to a woman that I'm assuming is playing the role of Susan's mother, "Mrs. Peterslig, this is delicious!" Hee. He asks what it is. Mrs. Peterslig says in German that Ashley's eating goose fat. Ashley doesn't understand, so Susan translates and then makes noises that are supposed to sound like a goose. I can't believe they don't pull the ol' "Oh-wah-tah-goo-siam" bit with Ash here, since he's game for anything. The subtitles tell us the redhead's saying, "Did that little brat Maria really get his t-shirt?" The other girl "says" she needs something of Ashley's to sell on eBay. Susan asks Ashley to give up something else of his. Ashley laughs and says he doesn't have anything left.
Cut to Ashley walking in wearing Mr. Peterslig's trousers. The girls are standing holding his jeans. "Sank que! Sank que!" they say without any real passion. Ashley thanks them for the goose fat and says goodbye. He thanks Mr. Peterslig for his pants. They danke and skedaddle.
More German establishing shots. It's night now. Ashley is just now starting to realize he's been kidnapped, but he says it in a way that it might just be that he and Susan recently had sex. Otherwise, what the fuck, Ash? Susan finally takes Ashley to his hotel. "So, I did not kidnapping [sic] you," she says. Ashley thanks her.
A song repeats from earlier that is still not by O-Town as the boys walk past screaming fans.
Ashley thanks Susan "for the ride" and runs into the hotel.
Ashley walks into the hotel, where Trevor and Erik just happen to be standing at the doorway. Trevor instantly asks Ashley what happened to his clothes. Boston Mike is pushing the boys back to the doorway, telling them they can all chat in the car. Ashley is "apologizing," but there's no point.
"Fifteen Minutes to Show Time!" Ashley eats something as Erik says, "Today was so weird. Like, the whole day." No kidding. People, check out the wisdom that Ashley learned today: "American fans are just as crazy? But German fans are crazy in a different way, you know what I mean?" Life lesson #5, my man.
The subtitles read, "There's their bus! Get going, Mom!" Now, if you watched the Sunday rerun of this episode, you couldn't read any of the subtitles because of the lower right-hand corner commercial blurb thing. It's some "fans" in a "car" with a camera crew. They're following the bus-car-van of O-Town in the dark. "Pull in behind the others!" the subtitles read as the car pulls up behind a tour bus.
Ashley tells Dan to look out the back window (and I don't think they're on a tour bus) to count the number of cars following them. The show's in how many minutes?
"Oh my God! We're catching up!" the subtitle reads.
Ashley counts the cars on the road but doesn't know what comes after "six" and stops. That's not cars following you, Ashley. That's called "traffic."
"That homing device Susan put in Ashley's pants is working perfectly!" the subtitle reads. I shit you not. They even add an Ed Wood spaceship noise so we can pretend they have a homing device in the car.
Ashley says the following sentence: "They have, like, an intricate network of, like, fans that are all, like, radioing and cell phoning each other."
Subtitle: "Yes, they're exactly 120 meters ahead. Don't lose the signal." What the fuck is happening, you guys?
Dan looks out the back window and says he thinks they've been spotted because they're "all up on the tail of the bus."
The girls shout hello from their own cars, but nobody can hear them. Just us. Trapped. Trapped in a Twilight Zone episode.
Dan and Ashley pretend to build tension by shouting, "That car is following close!"
The girls inside have the subtitle, "Look! There's my love god, Ashley!"
I swear I'm not making any of this up. There's some The Fast and the Furious car chase with pissed-off moms and determined teenage girls flanking the tour bus. They just use random cuts of the tour bus making a right-hand turn, so there's really no tension, just a lot of videotape and adrenaline-filled music.
The concert. Finally. "All or Nothing" is up on the torture bill first. The best part about this is that Dan's obviously just given up and doesn't know the words to the song anymore. He sings them like a German girl would, and you can read his lips: "Army Does Flands!" Is this the part of the season where I get to pick all or nothing? Because I'm totally ready to make my choice.
I'm not even recapping the last retarded segment where the boys finish the movie, bid us hello, and then wonder where Ashley took off to. They leave in time for Ashley to come back from the bathroom and wonder where the boys are. Dammit! I accidentally recapped it! Damn you, O-Town! I'll get you time, O-Town. tiiiiiiime.
time, someone tells O-Town that their debut album was a "skin-crawling horror," and then the leader of skin-crawling horrors tries to get one of his skin-crawling masterpieces on the album. Call up the Crypt Keeper. Clive Davis's trying to take his gig!