Ashley, Baby, You're a Stah!

Hi. It's been a pretty rough couple of weeks for me, kids. Recappers, as much as we hide our sensitive underbellies, are actually people, too...deep down in there. So, I'm just going to say right here that I'm probably going to take it easier on crybaby Trevor this episode because I'm feeling the boy, okay? I promise by week I'll be ready to tackle O-Town with the ferocity of a mother wolf. But this week, I'll save the venom for Ashley. Here goes.

Okay, first of all, having those Osbourne kids host The Hook Up was a brilliant idea. They couldn't be any stiffer, and they say the word "O-Town" like they're trying to interpret German.

Do I have to do the "coming up " part? Because I'm fixing to recap the episode, so I'll just be recapping some of it twice. I'm not going to recap it. I don't want to spoil the fun, you see. Here's a hint: Trevor yells at Ashley for rocking out without a monitor. Ashley goes to Hollywood to act in a basement blackbox in Compton. A very ugly man talks to Ashley. A tight close-up on Ashley reveals that the makeup rigors of this show are taking their toll on his sweet skin. Give that boy some exfoliant.

Ah, the opening credits. I can't find anything new to pick on this week. Wait. Give me a minute. Hold on....Just a second...Oh, it's the word "performers." That's the thing this week. I think it's a bit misleading right in the beginning to call them "performers," but I do appreciate that they don't call them "musicians," "singers," "dancers," or "talented." Also, I think they keep changing the footage inside those tiny squares. I never noticed the Jacob/Janie kiss before.

There's a strange quiet moment while all of the boys Abbey Road through a dressing room. Ashley complains about having the headache of the century. Trevor asks what was "up" with "Love Should Be A Crime." Surprisingly, he's discussing one particular moment of the song, rather than just breaking down and confessing that it really shouldn't be sung or performed by anybody anywhere ever because it's a horrible collection of notes. The screen freezes on one side in a flashback to show Ashley rocking out with his guitar while Trevor points at him and looks to the other boys to see if they notice how horrible Ashley is performing. Ashley confesses that his ear pack wasn't working and he "don't [sic] have no reception" at all. Trevor then uses his hands to illustrate where the rest of them were singing the song, and where Ash was singing the song. I can't stop looking at the arm sleeves that Trevor is wearing. Is he a stripper? I don't get it. Ashley then tells the boys that he doesn't have "any ears," so he was just trying the best he could to sing while deaf. Suddenly it's Ashley and Silent Mike arguing in a bathroom. Silent Mike tells Ashley that he's got to tell someone he's got a problem when he's got a problem. Ashley says he did tell someone. It sounds like Ashley yells, "I told Puck six times last show." You can't tell anyone named Puck anything. That's Life Lesson #9. I just gave you that for free. Flash to Ashley and Trevor arguing again. Trevor tells Ashley to tell Puck there's a problem and to be specific when there's a problem instead of just whining, "I have no ears!" Ashley tries to interrupt Trevor, but Trevor knocks him down with a stare. Then Ashley curses and says he was just telling them what happened. Ashley starts to unbuckle his pants and walks over to the urinal. Ashley says the word "fucking" again, but Silent Mike, Trevor, and Ashley are all arguing at the same time, so it's hard to figure out what's going on. Okay, really, I'm just holding my breath waiting for Ashley to pull out his dick, so I'm not listening to a word of this fight. Do it, Ashley! Whip it out! Instead, Ashley says this sentence: "Try to play rhythm guitar, sing a harmony on pitch, when your ears keep going 'Chi-choo-chi-choo-chi-choo!' I did the best of my ability." Trevor answers, "But there's no excuse that you can't not do it right [sic]." Whatever that means. Trevor tells us that he can't stand how the tour is going so far. He says he needs a few days off.

Ashley is still pleading, telling the guys he's trying to explain the "why" and "how come" of his sucking. Jacob says that Ashley's been making excuses for the past four shows. Ashley says that if he tells them what happened, they're just going to call it his "excuse." Because what you're saying is called an excuse, Ashley. I love Jacob's bit: "When you're having a problem, when your ears start glitching? You can't focus. You have chronically messed-up timing." Thank you, Dr. Underwood. That'll be $300, kid. Ashley rubs his temples. He tells us that everybody has a "messed-up show." He admits to us that, right now, he wishes they'd all get off his back.

Chuck James is a talent agency at Gersh. He doesn't know me. I don't know him. I don't know who told him about Making the Band. I don't know who he's trying to impress or what he thought would change about his life by getting on this show, but the boy prepared for his day in front of the cameras. He's wearing so much pancake the IHOP on my street closed for inventory. Ashley meets him in some wet alley and makes a big deal about how great it is that Chuck "flew out." Chuck makes the same big deal, so you know they probably filmed this in Los Angeles, but said some scripted lines so it looked like Chuck actually cared or knew who Ashley was. "The show was great," Chuck starts. Ashley asks if Chuck really thinks that. "I loved it!" Chuck lies. You can tell because he actually flinches while he says it. Chuck has sideburns that aren't attached to his hairline. Ashley discusses the "weird technical stuff" as an excuse for his crappy performance. You know, like the lighting, and how they focused the lights so you could see him. Or the sound guy, who turned on Ashley's mic so you could hear him. Ashley says he's pretty sure it wasn't anything that the audience would have noticed. "No, no way," Chuck continues lying, since he wasn't anywhere near that building while O-Town was onstage. Chuck makes a graceful segue into asking Ashley if he's going to have a couple of days off to come out to Los Angeles. Ashley says he does. He says he talked to "them" about it, and everything is set. He's stoked. He says he got some scripts that Chuck sent him, and pretty soon he'll have someone tell him what they say since Ashley doesn't read too quickly. Ashley says he's really excited about all of this and can't wait. Ashley tells us that acting is something that's always been a dream of his. Silly us for thinking that being in a boy band was Ashley's dream. Ashley says that this is all really great since he has someone like Chuck supporting him. Ashley and Chuck just walk off, presumably to the airport to fly to Hollywood right then and there, because that's how dreams get started.

Stock footage of planes taking off, then landing, and then LAX. I'm not surprised to see the same stock footage that they used on Popstars to indicate "Hollywood." It involves a zoom in on Melrose Place (this tiny little side street off La Cienega), Trashy Lingerie (a pink store that's one block up from that shot of the Melrose Place sign), a shot of a revolving Earth (it's actually a copy place like Kinkos) and an exterior of the gate at Paramount Studios. Ashley says again that he's excited because Chuck has set him up with "a whole bunch of meetings."

Ashley shakes someone's hand (read: an assistant's hand) in a waiting room and is escorted to a conference room where another assistant has Ashley talk on tape for them. Ashley shakes the assistant's hand goodbye.

Ashley's cell phone tells him that he has an appointment at 10 at Paramount.

Ashley shakes the hands of more nameless people and then hides a pink purse under the table.

Ashley walks in front of a backdrop so that we can see just how perfectly he fits in this fake world where anything can happen. He strolls down some lot at Paramount as if you're allowed just to wander along these sets. Ashley can't even walk without it looking like he's acting.

Another meeting. I don't know what this is, but the sign behind the receptionist's head tells us that he's at ARKZf. I don't know what that means, either. The receptionist asks if Ashley has a picture and résumé. He doesn't. No headshot. No résumé. Even the bum outside my apartment named Travis has a headshot and résumé. He keeps asking me if I like his three-quarters or if I like the classic "head-on" angle. His three-quarters really looks more like him, and casting directors are really looking for more of a "natural" thing this year. The same guy who was to Ashley in an earlier "waiting-in-the-waiting-room" shot stares at Ashley like, "Nice one, douche. I'm so scoring this role out from under you, even though you've got these fancy camcorders following you around." Ashley tries to flirt with the receptionist, telling her that he doesn't have the headshot and résumé, the "license and registration" of Hollywood. The receptionist (who I think might be Melissa McCarthy pulling a joke on us) just stares at him as Ash tells us in a voice-over that he might not be the most prepared cat in town. "But I'm not gonna let that stop me," he says with a scary squint.

We see a plane approaching us in incredibly slow motion as we listen as Trevor and his dad have a phone conversation. Trevor has a couple of days off, and he'd like to spend some time in New York with his dad. Trevor's dad says he'll have to try to get the time off. He makes it sound like he knows that Trevor doesn't really understand the value of the dollar, and that obviously Trevor isn't doing well enough to let both of his parents retire like that nice girl Beyoncé did for her folks.

We see Trevor's dad and Trevor get into a cab. Trevor's dad has worn his finest white t-shirt for today's events. Trevor tells us that when things have gotten really tough in his life, it's his dad who always makes Trevor feel better. He says he needs to be around somebody who makes him feel like home right now. Trevor's dad tells him that being in O-Town is just like being in the armed forces. I thought PapaTrevor was referring to Lou Pearlman's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, but apparently he means all of the long hours, the rigorous schedules, and the homesickness. Trevor is already in tears. PapaTrevor tells Trevor that he'll get used to it.

Shot of Paramount again. Hello, He Lied, indeed. Ashley's at Lynda Obst Productions, for some reason, and a young woman (Production Executive Elizabeth Hooper) is over-enthusiastically blowing smoke up Ashley's ass, telling him how Ashley might want to break away from O-Town every once in a while and be his own very special person. Ashley says he'd love to get a supporting role in a feature film where people would walk away saying, "Wow, I didn't expect that from him." How is that any different than what he does now? Maybe he means the tone in which we say that sentence. Ashley tells us that sometimes he likes having people recognize him as an "individual" and not "Ashley, the blond-haired guy from O-Town." That's Mister Blond-Haired Guy From O-Town to you, buddy. ["Plus since only about fourteen people even know what O-Town is, and fewer than that know who's in it, I don't think he should worry so much about his public image." -- Wing Chun] Elizabeth tells Ashley that she's got a line outside the door of people who want an opportunity to showcase themselves, so she needs to see something actually resembling talent from young Angel here.

Establishing shots of New York. I've never been, so I can't tell you if they're misleading. PapaTrevor is showing young Trevor his old stomping grounds. Specifically, they're looking at the apartment PapaTrevor grew up in. Trevor explains again where they are, and then tells us that he's never been there before. "It's boarded up," PapaTrevor says. The room, which must be condemned at this point, has a giant piece of wood over the door. Trevor starts crying again as PapaTrevor tells him that there were eight people living in that tiny apartment. He gives that whole "it sounds bad" martyr speech, as if they actually put on tiny plays and made beautiful music together in there as if it wasn't all "me da's on the dole" as it seems. Trevor's crying again, and I wonder why Trevor's the only one showing actual emotion on this show this season. Trevor explains to us again what his father just said, but I understand English, so I don't need the recapping from Trevor. Then PapaTrevor scolds Trevor for trying to break into the apartment. Trevor's trying to rip down the piece of wood, but PapaTrevor pulls him away, saying that the room's probably demolished and that they'll get in trouble if he keeps it up. Trevor teases his dad for being scared. Trevor says that even if the cops were called, they wouldn't show up for five hours, anyway.

Random shot of an L.A. building exterior. Ashley's on the phone with Chuck. He's told that the meetings went "really well" and that Ashley made a "great impression." This means that nobody has any work for Ashley. I know this, but Ashley doesn't know this yet. Chuck says that a script "came across" his desk that he thinks would be perfect for Ashley. Ashley can't believe his luck, and is rolling all over his bed (with his shoes still on, by the way). Chuck asks Ashley if he can come in and read for the part. "This is happening fast," Ashley says. "It's awesome, though." Well, enjoy it now because tomorrow you'll be hearing crickets, baby. That's the sound of Hollywood. Crickets and the slow sounds of molasses flowing over your dreams. Ashley tells us again that this is all happening "really fast," and since he has no real time to do any of this, he's going to "hit the ground running." Ashley has a pillow fight all by himself. The saddest, most deluded pillow fight there ever was.

I love the twelve-minute commercial break MTV fits in here. Love it, love it, love it. A recapper's wet dream.

Establishing shots of Orlando. DisneyWorld. Then, suddenly, we're at O-Manor. Dan gets a text message on his phone that says Ashley wants him to call, but at the same time, Ashley's calling on the phone. Okay. Erik misses Ashley so much that he's strumming Ashley's guitar. Both Erik and the guitar ditched in one weekend for greener pastures. Poor Erik. Poor guitar. Erik is obviously jealous that Ashley has chosen Dan to be the first one he calls to celebrate. Ashley brags that he's got all this big-time Hollywood stuff happening. Obviously, he's not allowed to say anybody's name over the camera, so he just throws a bunch of words together like "director" and "part" and "offer," and then says that they didn't offer him the part yet, and then you realize that Ashley is really just stoked that he landed an audition for a role that so many people are going to audition for that my cat's got a better chance of landing it. Dan asks if Ashley's talked to Mike or Mike or J Records or anybody that will probably immediately say, "Get back on the Stairmaster and practice your 'Girl' lip-synching!" Ashley admits that he hasn't told any of the Mikes about what's going on. Dan reminds Ashley to get on the plane that he's scheduled to take home, and to call one of the Mikes to say what's going on. Dan hangs up with a "Peace!" and just like that, he's my least favorite O-Town member again. Dan tells us that he can't imagine the band without Ashley. The tears of pain on Erik's face tell us that he can't, either. "Maybe I could be the heartthrob," he wonders.

More establishing shots of Los Angeles as we hear Ja Rule play. Traffic. The Beverly Hills Hotel. A quick jaunt down the Walk of Fame (ignoring the homeless people and real, live people feces that decorate the road). Ashley driving through the Valley looking for Howard Fine (I think it might be on Melrose or Fairfax), a rip-off acting coach who's preyed on the weakest actors in La-La Land since Poopsy Carmichael took her historic plunge off the Hollywood Sign. And that ain't just whistling "Dixie," kid. I said to her, I said, "Poopsie! What keeps ya so young?" She said to me, she said, "I'm twelve!" That's the Hollywood voice we use when we're getting "so L.A." Like a Hollywood Gangsta. I shouldn't recap after midnight. Makes me loopy.

Outside, Trevor teases his father for never telling him that he sang tenor in the choir. He says that's where he gets his musical background. Trevor's dad laughs, and just like that, Trevor's dad is my favorite member of O-Town.

Establishing shots of New York while the church singers finish up and we focus on the Statue of Liberty. This O-Town segment is dedicated to the survivors of New York City, for being strong enough in the face of O-Town, and for all survivors, heroes, and bad musicians everywhere. Strength. God. Peace. America. Subway. Trevor. Tears. And O-Town. God bless O-Town.

Ashley is late for his Master Class because he was Master Bating. Luckily, we get to flash-forward to where Ashley and "Renell" are acting out Ashley's big audition scene. It's mostly Ashley yelling at someone that they were nobody before they met Ashley. Blah blah blah drugscakes. Howard screams for Ashley to chase the other actor around the stage, which he does. The other actor's character's name is "Angel." What a coincidence. The students of the Master Class are like, "This is such bullshit. I bet that Backstreet Boy gets to be in the final showcase and the rest of us paid two thousand dollars to end up with one line each. Fascist fucker. I hate Howard." Howard watches Ashley's acting with a face that reads, "I could make millions off this kid's lack of talent. If only he had the disposable income for my Intro to Masters Acting, Intermediate Masters Acting, Masters Acting for Non-Majors, Preliminary Masters Acting, Postliminary Masters Acting, and Masters Acting for Writers. I could retire off this kid's emotionless acting palate." And Renell? Find yourself a new name, a new jacket, a new beard, and a new hobby. Ashley says that doing something "like that" is like "being onstage." Hee. I'm butchering his quote, but that's really what he says. Who wrote this scene? I feel so bad for the writer. "No! Not my words! My opus!" Howard screams for Ashley to "go for it!" Ashley decides to "go" by doubling over as if he has to "go." Maybe that kid's name is Purnell. Whatever it is, it's not getting any better. And neither is this acting scene. At one point, Ashley grabs Purnell/Burnell/Renell and turns him around. I can't believe Renell doesn't break down in sobs with some emotional breakthough remembering how his third-grade teacher never touched him or showed him signs of encouragement in Art Hour. There's some line about "Angel Wings" that's so bad I am furious that this is a script that might actually get made into a movie. The class applauds because they know Ashley and his camera crew will be leaving them soon (with headshots and résumés tucked into every available nook and cranny on their bodies). Ashley calls this "intense," and cocks his head to the side and asks us if we can imagine what this would be like to do for a living. To get paid to act. It's called "Being on Making the Band." And I think you've had the part for three years now, Ash.