Theis Is a Whore

I don't know what to say, here. I don't know what's going on with Making the Band. I don't know, people. I just don't know. What do I know? Nothing. Here goes.

We start with shots of fans screaming at O-Town. Concert. Screaming. The screen fake "cuts out" with "static" and "white noise." Then it's filled with the images of two girls who talk as if I'm about to call their 900 number line. One is named Brandi and the other is Theis (pronounced "total whore"). They coo and baby-talk that they are two of the biggest O-Town fans ever. We see them walk in front of the MTV building. They won some kind of mtv.com contest where they're going to do an online diary of O-Town. We watch a fake "briefing" in which the girls learn that they're going to do the cheap version of MTV's Diary. They're going to spend "three full days" with the boys to learn what it's like to live with O-Town. Didn't I just say that? How many times do they repeat everything? "Every girl's dream, right?" the MTV woman asks the girls. She's in way too close a close-up, and her cackle, which follows, scares my cat right out of the room. Maybe Theis is retarded. Maybe that's why she talks like that. "We have three days to get the inside scoop on our favorite guys," she says. Her head pops forward whenever she stresses, and she hardly opens her mouth when she talks. Also, she keeps having to look at Brandi every time she finishes a sentence, as if she's not sure if she's done talking. The girls are told that they're going to get an email per day with a specific assignment. This is also bullshit, since they're only going to be there for "three" days but they get, like, six assignments. The MTV girls keep reading from their scripts as they tell our new whores that they need to "go out there and have fun with it" because the "fans" are counting on them. They ask if the whores have any questions. "I have a question," Brandi coos with her hands clutched in front of her boobs. "Um, when's this gonna start?" Awkwardly, the MTV girls answer, "It's...gonna start immediately." This all looks so fake as the girls laugh. I guess they already had their suitcases packed? Oh, maybe they meant the torture of the opening credits will all start now, because that's what then happens. They slam some fake "MTV.com Fan Diary" sign over the Making the Band title. Why does MTV have to ruin this show so much? We know the show is on MTV now. Does this mean O-Town gets to go on Daria? (Is Daria still on?)

Suddenly we're in Minneapolis, and the girls have suitcases and are wearing winter clothes. They're being led onto the tour bus by Silent Mike. By the way, does Silent Mike only have one outfit? I know he just has the one hairstyle, but it seems like he's always wearing the same black turtleneck. Like a uniform. The MTV girls do these voice-overs as they pretend to read the girls' mission. I'm getting Road Rules flashbacks. Mission #1 is "Break the Ice." Silent Mike introduces the whores to the boys. Jacob looks pretty annoyed by the whole thing, and I really hate how I keep sympathizing with Jacob this entire season. Ashley makes a kissy face at Erik when he sees the girls. Erik smiles like he's high. Trevor moves right in with the handshakes. Luckily, he's sans stupid t-shirt today. "The girls are kinda cute," Ashley tells us with a squinty eye and a knowing nod of the head. "They're kinda cute," he repeats for no reason. Jacob's trying to ignore everything that happens on this bus. I bet he asks to ride with the "band" instead. We're told again why the whores are there, reminded about the online video diary, blah, blah we-got-itcakes. Silent Mike tells the guys to give these whores a bit of their time. Trevor offers to clear some space for them. "Me busa's su busa," Ashley says. No, he really does. Jacob keeps ignoring them. One of the whores says this doesn't all feel real. It must be Theis, because there's that strange, stilted way of talking as she says, "Just getting on the bus, we've already gotten closer than most fans ever get." She says "get" like "git."

Theis reads off from her script that the girls are about to go backstage with the boys at one of their shows on the Britney tour, as we see a montage of tour buses pulling into parking lots. Riveting!

The screen fills with fake email from the MTV girls, who read that our whores are doing a great job. Their mission is to find something personal backstage. On this email, they've incorrectly put an apostrophe in the word "guys." Silent Mike, in his turtleneck uniform, hands the girls backstage passes. He lists off a few rules as the graphics tick off where these girls can and can't go. They cannot go anywhere near Britney, near where Britney will be or has been, where Britney might think of going, where Britney's exhaled carbon dioxide might have floated, or where Britney is actually somewhere being Britney. The girls can't go onstage, offstage, or under the stage. Basically, they can pee and be in the O-Town dressing room. Good thing they have their "mission," or they might get bored being treated like Erik's security blanket.

The girls enter the O-Town dressing room. The sign announcing the room features clip art of a man killing himself. The boys are singing horribly just on the other side of the door. I think Jacob has surgically attached himself to that guitar. Brandi tries to flirt with Jacob. He just walks right by her, picking his butt. Man, this show is making me like Jacob. I am Jacob. Somebody please come and save me from myself.

Suddenly, the boys aren't there, and Theis and Brandi start the "Let's Steal from O-Town" sketch they worked so hard on. I can't even tell you how dumb this is. The "Pink Panther" theme plays in the background as the girls look around the empty dressing room, wondering what to steal, even though it contains nothing but carefully placed things for the girls to search through. Like the carefully folded clothes that have labels reading "Ashley's sock" and "Trevor's towel." Theis wonders if they can check out the O-Town bathroom. She whispers it, as if anybody gives a shit about her or where she is. Don't they know they're missing Britney right now? What a lame backstage pass, keeping them trapped in the locker room. Theis laughs and demands that the fake camera shows some "hair" they just happened to "find" that's scattered around a chair with a towel draped over it. Brandi declares the hair to be Erik's. Theis scoops it up to sell on eBay. She found the impromptu haircut remains of the completely shaved Erik. Right. It's kind of gross and looks like someone squashed a bunch of bugs around this chair. The girls are amazed and thrilled with themselves, and someone declares this mission completed. "I have Erik's hair," Theis brags into the camera. I hate them so much.

I'm just getting angrier and angrier. I should step away from the recap. I really should. The mission is "Get the Guys to Show Some Skin." I'm trapped inside a Tiger Beat. Theis and Brandi giggle and point out bags of boxer shorts. The boys wear new underwear at every gig? Doesn't it seem strange to have bags and bags of brand-new underwear lying around? Theis points out the one discarded pair of leopard-print underwear. This entire table is fake. "Underwear in packages doesn't count," Theis slurs to us through the SlutCam. Brandi makes a face like Ja Rule and shakes her head. Theis says they have to find out what the boys look like in their underwear. "We've got a plan," she says. Suddenly, we see a shot of a full moon in a cloudy night. Oh, good. They're going to turn into werewolves. I was worried nothing was going to happen in this episode.

It's Day Two now, and who knows what city they're in or what high-rise apartment complex they're using for this external shot. Theis goes to Trevor's hotel room at 7:06 in the AM, according to our helpful graphic on the screen. She knocks and calls Trevor for a while. He yells something to her from inside the room, and she breaks down in hysterical giggles.

Theis has more luck going to Ashley's room. Ashley pretends it's really early in the morning, squinting and rubbing his eyes. Such a pretty little actor, isn't he? Theis coos an apology and says that she has to get "this thing" for her online diary. "Your fans want to know what you sleep in," she says. Ashley's eyes widen, and with that dramatic tension, we must sit through the commercial break. I think I shall now nap.

After the commercial, they show the entire last three minutes of the show again, for some reason, with Ashley and the fake sleep. Then Dan pokes his head out of his door and asks Theis why she didn't pick a better time to ask him to show his underwear. Trevor just shuts his door on Theis. "Your fans wanna know!" Theis whines.

Erik won't open his door.

Neither will Jacob. "Please go away!" he shouts at her.

Trevor finally offers to give Theis a "little peep show."

Ashley shows the tops of his boxers as he wears shorts. They say "Canada" on them, and Ashley confesses they were from a fan. Wing, I knew you always loved the boys. ["Those aren't from me; I got him a thong." -- Wing Chun] Man, that Ashley sure is pretty.

Jacob yells for Theis to read the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door. Silly Jacob. Theis can't read! She's a whore!

Dan tells Theis that he doesn't sleep in anything. "Speaking of sleep," he segues seamlessly, he says he'll go back to sleep now.

Trevor tells Theis's camera that he doesn't wear any underwear, and that he sleeps naked. He lifts his leg to show that it's naked, and somehow the girls complete their mission with this bit of Trevor cheesecake. Trevor says he's going to go back to sleep now. Theis asks if she can tell his fans something, but before she can finish the sentence, Trevor slams the door in her face, ramming into the camera. Theis stands there and waits for a few seconds, trying to process all of this information, knowing that he should totally answer the door again since she's already given him three blowjobs since she arrived yesterday.

The fake mission is to "follow the guys" on a photo shoot. They even say, "A picture is worth a thousand words." Somebody stop this episode before it gets any worse. It's for Teen Beat or some shit like that. Ashley's got the fake arms-open-looking- carefree-and-fun pose down perfectly. We hear camera noises as the frame freezes on the guys occasionally, as if we ourselves are cameras. "This is where the photo shoots happen," Ashley explains to Theis. They're trying to recreate that moment where Jim Morrison starts fucking that photographer and we get the shot from the cover of the album, but knowing Ashley, he's about to turn Austin Powers in three seconds. I'm right, and Ashley pretends to not understand how cameras work as "Last Nite" by The Strokes is queued up and Ashley grabs Theis's camera to start shooting her. Theis pretends to be shy, and they act out a scene where Ashley films Theis against her will and they flirt with each other until Ashley runs out of the room and Theis chases him. It's like I'm stuck back in high school and I still hate homeroom this much. I don't want to be fifteen again. "Ashley Angel? Do you think you could come back to the photo shoot? Ashley Angel to the photo shoot, please." Ashley tells Theis that he showed her his Superman underwear (um, tape please!) and now she's got to show him her "Superwoman" underwear. Who is this Superwoman you've heard so much about, Ashley? Theis keeps flirting, and so does Ashley. Poor Shelli, somewhere, hugging her lobster. Theis walks toward Ashley and says she can't show him her underwear. "Because they're lacy and they're private?" he asks. "Because I'm not wearing any," she moans, and then flips back, sticks her fingers into her private parts, and starts giving Ashley head. Basically. "Ashley is so funny," she moans to us in a voice-over, and we go back to the montage of bus wheels rolling as a symbol that Theis just became another notch in Ashley's belt of proven heterosexuality.

In another fake segment, Dan now has "stolen" the camera, and we're getting a "fan diary exclusive." Dan and Trevor are discussing their own underwear. Dan says that his underwear is his own personal business. Dan tells us that Trevor doesn't wear any underwear. He then says the following words in this order: "Come on, Trev, let's do double time. Squeeze in here. Squeeze in. Squeeze in. Squeeze in." I'm merely a reporter, folks. Trevor and Dan sit with their arms around each other to continue discussing their underwear. They spout off a list of different brands of underwear. Trevor says that Dan just wears boxer/briefs. Doesn't matter which brand. Dan says that's all we need to know, so we can just "back up." Dan's now my favorite member of O-Town. I like that we know just enough to like him, and he's never a problem. Ashley's mom and I love Dan. Trevor makes some sort of hand gesture to the camera that cracks Dan up. "Just back up," he says again.

Close-up on the O-Town dressing-room sign, and for real this clip art is of a man killing himself. I think it's Ashley melting or falling off a cliff or something. Brandi and Theis are talking to Erik, asking him what he's wearing for tonight's concert. Erik tells them that he wears the same thing every night. It's a jersey, some white bandannas, and jeans. It's that easy to be Erik-Michael Estrada. Plan your Halloween costumes now, kids. Theis asks Erik to show us his sneakers. Brandi touches them. I'm now completely asleep, typing as I dream about other shows that aren't just people showing their tennis shoes to a camcorder. "What size are those, do you think?" Theis asks. Is there a chance he wouldn't know? I don't know why she added that "do you think" part. Does she estimate the size of her feet? Erik says he wears a size eleven. We get a shot of the SlutCam where Theis and Brandi give each other knowing looks about Erik's dick.

The new mission is to "get inside the mind" of Jacob, the "elusive" one. Jacob is sitting strumming his guitar. Basically, he's been told to ignore the girls, so he does. They're in some wood-paneled room somewhere. Brandi asks Jacob his idea of a perfect girl. Jacob answers that she's blonde and in San Diego. Jacob says that his girlfriend lives back home and is his best friend. Theis asks for a "firm memory" about being in love. She has no idea what she's saying. She's just saying words and hoping they make sense together. Jacob gives a "no comment," and the girls fail this mission. Erik says, "My friend, I hate to pull you away from your interview, but we do have a sound check." Why does everything sound so fake? There's more spontaneity in a Miss America question and answer section.

Dan invites the girls to sound check with them. The girls know that Silent Mike has forbidden them to leave any dressing room, but Dan gives them a "Me stage-a is you stage-a." These boys need new lines. Dan points out the big stage that Britney gets to use, and then shows the little one that they use. He's got his arm around Brandi. Brandi and Theis act like they're VH1 VJs as they giggle about how great it is to be at the O-Town sound check. The boys make sure that they can hear the music loud enough to lip-synch under.

Dan has the girls sing a little from "Love Should Be a Crime" into his microphone because there's no way that song could get any worse. Then we're forced to watch the girls over-enunciate as they prove they know all of the words to the song. They just don't remember where all of the words happen, so Theis mostly just watches Brandi's mouth. Jacob fucks around with the end of the song, so it drags on an additional thirty seconds, forcing Brandi to hold her breath for a while before she can mouth the word "crime." You can hear the ping sound as the last of Brandi's brain cells expire from the pressure. "And that's sound check," Ashley says into the camera. I'm so bored I just wrote a letter to myself, telling myself just to hang in there and break through this.

Theis explains that they ran into other O-Town fans -- specifically, six random girls who just happen to like O-Town. Like all the other O-Town fans, they insist that they are not teenyboppers and that they're smart cool girls who just like to hang out backstage in case Erik needs a blowjob. Theis says she's very happy to have found the girls. I am, too, because it's a bitch to type "Theis" over and over again. The girls all brag about how cool they are, but then when Theis tells one of them to say hi to Ashley, she gets all shy. By the way, these girls are totally in the hallway at a hotel. They're standing right by the ice machine.

Back onstage, Ashley says the following words of poetry: "This song we're gonna sing is actually a song about our favorite subject. This song is called 'Girl.'" Then we see Brandi smiling in the audience. We watch bad choreography that involves lower body wiggling and the miming of a guitar. Then we watch the boys sing a bit from "Girl." It's much easier to watch than the actual episode. My eyes feel a bit cooler. Man, this choreography. There's not a time they say the word "heart" where they don't put their hands to their chests. It's like a seven-year-old choreographed their numbers at her birthday slumber party. They're even pointing at their own heads on the words "smart girl." Jacob points to some section of the audience. We see Theis sing along. Erik repeatedly thrusts his crotch into the camera as the song comes to a dramatic point that involves the band singing, and not the boys. Erik touches himself. Trevor thrusts. Dan punches his fist. Girls cheer.