Previously on Making the Band: Making the Band was a show about the making of a boy band. No longer. This week on Making the Band: TRL.
Well, here it comes: the best part of the episode. We see a shot of a performance ending. The boys all bow and gesture as "All or Nothing" comes to a dramatic close. Backstage, the boys complain about their eyes and ears, thinking nothing of the damage their performance just inflicted on thousands of eyes and ears. A shirtless Jacob forces me to watch this scene with my eyes squinted almost shut. From my hazy gaze, it appears that a naked troll doll is yelling at Erik for winking at the end of the show. Naked troll doll claims that he's the winking one. Trevor explains that Jacob winks and Erik points. Jacob is upset, because tonight Erik winked. Either we just keep seeing footage from the same day this season, or Trevor needs a new t-shirt. This is the same one he was wearing when he met Britney. (Psst! This just in! Go see Crossroads immediately! You will not regret it! Love, Pamie.) Silent Mike asks for the "run-down" again. Basically, Jacob winks and Erik points. Trevor explains it to Mike like he's talking to a child as he waves his hand vigorously and says, "I wave!" We see Dan thrusting his crotch repeatedly as they say, "Dan thrusts." Shot of Ashley lifting his head severely as Trevor finishes, "And Ashley jaw locks." Now, it sounds like he says "jaw rocks," which is now the new catchphrase around my apartment. "Did you see that guy? Totally jaw rocking." Trevor then shows an example of "jaw rocking" by pouting with a stern jaw in Silent Mike's direction. So far, it's my favorite moment of season three. Now, for my least favorite moment of season three: the rest of this episode. Jacob and Erik are horrible actors, so when Erik pouts that he was never really all that fond of being a pointer, we're just not buying it. Dan calls Erik a "poor excuse for a human." Jacob calls Erik a "wanker," and it's not funny. Erik fake-shouts, "I hate you guys and I hate this band!" He then runs, with floppy legs, out of the room. It's a tantrum that I've done here in my apartment every week I've had a MTB recap, and when I do it, you can feel the passion.
Opening credits. I know I always say I'm going to just brush right past them, but every week I can't stop and think, "Can't somebody do something about these credits?" I'm now thinking that perhaps it's some kind of contract thing to keep these shots in, since they have clips of season two or whatever. But then I see shots from last week's episode in there, so I don't know. I don't know. I try but I really can't come up with a good excuse.
So, I don't know exactly what the deal is here. Either this episode never made it to TRL, or this is a rerun of TRL. Whatever it is, it's a gyp of an episode of Making the Band. We open with the intro to TRL. There's a Carson substitute today, which makes me think that this is a fake episode of TRL. She also says that this is a special episode dedicated to O-Town, so again, I'm pretty sure this never aired. Trevor explains to us again that the entire show will be about O-Town. Jacob tells us that they're excited. Silent Mike explains to the boys that they're going to be on TRL, and that they're supposed to discuss their album and the Britney tour. Ashley tells us that they were warned that there was probably going to be a surprise on the show. Dan says that, the last time, they were surprised Clive Davis gave them a platinum album, so he doesn't mind surprises.
Fans scream and chant "O-Town." Some fake-tension NFL-sounding music plays. We watch the opening credits for TRL. Hilary, the fake Carson, starts her schtick. The boys enter, engulfed in a fog machine. Ashley high-fives some girls. Screaming. Screaming. More screaming. Jacob flashes the camera a fake gang sign. The camera focuses on the one girl who knows all of the words to the song. That poor girl. All of her future boyfriends will be shown that tape someday when it's embarrassing. You know -- like, year. Tomorrow. Ashley comments that it's "so loud." I agree. I hate TRL so much. The screaming never stops. FakeCarson asks how the new season is going. Dan says it's going fine, and that they don't even notice the cameras around anymore. Because they're "busy." We see reaction shots of young girls, but I'm not sure what they're reacting to. FakeCarson says the words "die-hard fans," which makes one of the stage managers give the signal to the girls that they have to start screaming again. They just show FakeCarson half-heartedly clapping, forcing the other girls to scream and wail again. FakeCarson explains that they've brought in all of the O-Town Moms to answer trivia questions about the guys. Then FakeCarson goes, "Your moms! Aw, that's cute! Aw! We asked the moms!" She can't seem to get the crowd to rally behind her.
Then FakeCarson is somehow talking just to us as we watch fast-motion footage of the O-Moms walking down a hall. Apparently, the boys don't know that their moms are actually here inside the TRL studio. Shh! We've secretly replaced Ashley's parents with ones that love and support him. Let's see if anyone notices. "Why would TRL interview my mom?" Jacob asks, having already renounced his parental units like all the great rock stars do.
This FakeCarson girl is so annoying. She talks like she's running the reading corner down at the library. We start with Erik. Ashley makes a kissy face at Erik. FakeCarson reads, "Now, we all know you're a very fashionable guy...." Then she looks up from her notecard to show how she's really got a "connection" with Erik-Jacob Estredo. She asks Erik which of his "fashion statements" would be his mother's least favorite. For some reason, Erik cops to having worn goggles all through high school. He says, "I used to rock those goggles," and makes a motion toward the top of his head. FakeCarson freaks the fuck out like she knows what he's talking about, like everybody should know what he's talking about, like he said "I wore Jams." Where did he grow up, that wearing red goggles would be cool? He makes it sound like everyone in Florida is very protective of their eyes, so they just wear science glasses all the time. Oh, wait. It's probably because Elderly Chic is hip in Florida, so they're all trying to wear those giant dark wrap-around shades like their grandparents do. Yes, I do have all the answers. Thanks for asking. "Oh, right," FakeCarson keeps repeating, like she totally understands how teen boys want to wear red goggles in high school. Erik's mom is holding up the red goggles in question. I think it's the pair Trevor was wearing on his indoor sky diving date from last week. O-Town is so amazed that MamaErik's holding the goggles that Jacob has to stand up with fists in the air, Trevor has to almost punch Erik in the head, and Erik sticks his fist in his mouth. These poor boys have so much pent-up testosterone from being together for so long that they're either going to kill each other or fuck the shit out of each other one day. Can I say that? Did I just get fired? Did I go too far? We get a "ding" from the foley guy, telling us that Erik was right in his guess. MamaErik says a sentence with the words "98 degrees," but they cut her off for mentioning the enemy. MamaErik's in the green room moaning at how she looks on television. Erik says to us, "Mom. There was no need to show the goggles."
Moving past the goggles, FakeCarson is now ready to humiliate Trevor. Screaming, screaming, screaming. FakeCarson talks like Trevor is retarded. She tells him that his mother thinks that he was brought into this world for a "very. Specific. Reason." Name it! Trevor says that his mother must think that he was born to be an entertainer. Bwa! Even my parents, if you asked them, would answer, "To buy us a nice house someday." I'm pretty sure they'd answer that. Or, "To embarrass us publicly with stories from her childhood, making us look like the bad parents we aren't." MamaTrevor puts it thusly: "Trevor was born so I could meet Lionel Richie." You can almost hear the quiet "who?" noise coming from the teen girls. We see a picture of Trevor, his mother, and Lionel. I don't know why, but all of the boys from O-Town are so overcome with emotion that they have to stand again. Why even bother with the stools? Trevor also gets up and walks away, as FakeCarson quickly tries to find the notecard that reads, "Wait! Don't leave!" Ashley leaves to console Trevor as the O-Moms openly celebrate their children's disappointment in never living up to their mothers' expectations. "Oh, MTV! Where do you get these ideas!" Trevor moans to us. I was just going to ask the same question, but with more tears.
Jacob's turn. We cut to a camera angle that's focused on the back of some girl's head. They ask him what his mother will think was his most embarrassing moment. Jacob explains that he was once in a play in school where he had to make a quick costume change and he didn't get to do it in time so he ended up onstage singing the song "Inchworm" with his shirt hanging out of his open zipper. The horror! Jacob's mom then tells us that Jacob was once in a play in school where he had to make a quick costume change and he didn't get to do it in time so he ended up onstage singing the song "Inchworm" with his shirt hanging out of his open zipper. So much of my life wasted on Jacob. The fans have to scream every time the word "zipper" is mentioned. So much screaming. Baby picture of Jacob. Girls scream. Scream. Scream. Scream.
Dan's asked what his mother will say is his most annoying habit. Dan's sure that it's going to be how he sang at the dinner table. My mother always said singing at the dinner table will get you a crazy husband. I know this show isn't about me, but I figure you've got to get something out of this, so maybe you'll just get to know me a little more in this process. Dan says that his mom probably won't agree, but he knows it's because he used to sing "Wade in the Water" really loud at the dinner table. Everybody cheers as Dan won't stop singing. His mother claps in the green room. Erik sings along. Trevor wants to sing, too, but everyone ignores him. Ashley checks himself in the monitor. Jacob clicks his heels three times and repeats, "There's no place like Creed. There's no place like Creed." Dan's mom says that his most annoying habit was singing at the top of his lungs. We get home footage of Dan as a kid running around singing with a tiny guitar and a head microphone. She says he used to sing "Wade in the Water" really loudly. FakeCarson asks Dan where he learned that gospel song. Uh...what? What kind of question is that? Dan's three seconds shy of answering "Life" when Jacob informs him that "everybody" learned that song from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Ah, yes. The gospel according to the Fresh Prince. All I ever needed to know about life I learned from there, like the wise words "Parents Just Don't Understand," "Nightmare on My Street," and the unequalled wisdom of "I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson." The crowd audibly moans the words "You're a fucking moron, Trevor" as FakeCarson tries to get the ball rolling by saying, "Oh! We all know that episode." Dan says to us, "I can't believe you gave them that video, Mom." Someone shove an ice pick into my eye, please. Please!
It's Ashley's turn, and the girls can't stop screaming. Finally, FakeCarson asks which one of Ashley's bandmates will his mother consider to be the best influence. Nicely worded question, I think, as "Which one is Ashley's favorite" would have a more complicated answer. Screaming, screaming, screaming as Ashley "thinks." Ashley says that Dan keeps him in line and teaches him how to handle his money, schedule his time, and when to get up in the morning. "Tucks you in at night?" FakeCarson flirts, but everybody deftly ignores her question. Ashley's mother agrees that Dan is just the nicest, sweetest kid in the group. Jacob celebrates his place as "bad influence." Ashley's Mom says, however, "My favorite O-Town member is Dan." They just had to spin this to be a "good influence" question, because you know they were like, "Isn't Ashley your favorite O-Town member?" and she went, "Oh, fuck no. I wish Dan were my son. We all do." There's more embarrassing footage of Dan dancing in a floppy hat as Ashley's mom goes on and on about how great Dan is and how hopefully she'll eventually have a son like Dan if Ashley shapes up.
FakeCarson then introduces "Liquid Dreams." I don't believe this. We're now watching clips of "Liquid Dreams" as TRL girls freak out and give dedications and shout-outs. This is an episode of TRL. That's all this is. I hate this! I can't watch all of these things on the screen at once. I'm old! I'm too old for this! I love the Ticker of Shame at the bottom. Here it is: "'Liquid Dreams' rocks!!! I love this video! -- Ricky, Passaic, NJ." "I love O-Town and I love this video! -- Sandra, New York." Other girls "woo." We watch the people who work on TRL do their thing. Then we watch the video through a monitor. Then we watch some of the video. Then we're forced to watch some girl do her lip-synching rendition of the song. So embarrassing, this entire thing. More shots of the video. "They look so young," MamaErik says. The other moms agree, now that they've seen how their sons have hardened with age over the past nine months. We watch the boys get more makeup as Ashley tells us that the only problem with your family answering questions is that you know they're going to answer with the truth. He's obviously still upset that his mother just confessed to all of us that she loves Dan more than she loves her son. I understand, Ashley. Now come here and let me soothe that pretty dumb head of yours.
Okay, Crossroads. A review, by Pamie. Britney in boys' underwear. The inside of Britney's thigh, including the curve of the underside of her ass. Britney in tiny underwear, playing at the butt of her panties. A shot down Britney's shirt. Britney's right nipple poking out over her bra as she discusses losing her virginity. Britney's underwear as we see down the back of her pants. Britney's tummy. Her ass. Her attempts at singing that end up just becoming sex groans. I love it. Best. Movie. Ever.
I remember when FakeCarson's sweater was trendy. It was in 1983. Screaming, screaming, screaming, suicidal cameraman. Back to Jacob. When would his mother say she knew he was going to be a singer? Jacob says it would be the first show he was in, back in the fourth or fifth grade. Not when he was five? Jacob's mother says it was when he auditioned for some play. We see home footage. Tone deaf then, tone deaf now. Brilliant. I don't know how he got that question right. She didn't say when that play was. Oh, well. Point for Jacob, somehow. "You've come so far," FakeCarson laughs. I think she hates O-Town and just wants to be able to snark on them.
It's Ashley's turn again. A girl sitting behind Ashley picks her nose. That's right, girl! I saw you! You can't escape the recapper! The question is who gave Ashley his first kiss. Ashley says his mom worked at the school. FakeCarson turns to someone in the audience and just talks right over Ashley as she goes, "Aw, that's bad! When you're mom's like, the secretary?" Ashley doesn't stop talking and says the girl's name was Chelsea and it was in the science class in the dark. The girls scream and coo as FakeCarson tells Ashley, "That's intense for eighth grade!" No, it really isn't. Go visit Texas sometime, FakeCarson. Ashley's mom knows that it was Chelsea, but she's got a better story. We see footage of a tiny Ashley covered in makeup as she tells us that Chelsea found out that Ashley had never been kissed before, so she pounced on him.
FakeCarson asks Erik when his mother knew he was "destined to be a rock star." When is that going to happen, exactly? Erik says that it was probably when he was in church, early on in his life. FakeCarson says, "Mama? When did you know your baby boy was gonna be a rock star?" Who is she, Freddie Mercury? Erik's wrong; MamaErik knew when he was four. He was singing in the bathtub and was "so cute." We see a school picture of young, Epstein-like Erik as we hear a tape of Erik singing. I can't hear him singing over the girls cooing.
Dan's turn. What was his first girlfriend? Dan says her name was Shannon and it was in the sixth grade. There was another girl with whom he played "He-Man" when he was little, but he doesn't know if she counts. Dan's mom celebrates, because that was her answer, but for some reason MTV won't let Dan have the point because he mentioned the technical girlfriend first. See, Dan, we can't count all of your non-technical girlfriends, because that's a long list of people that MTV doesn't want us to know about yet. We see photos of young Dan in his He-Man outfit as the girls scream and coo. More screaming and cheering as Ashley says that Dan got a wrong answer. Dan tries to protest and says he'll be a good sport about it, but he really did get the right answer. I know, Dan. I know. Just be happy they're actually showing you this episode. If you shut your eyes when Dan talks, you can't tell if you're listening to Dan or Malcom Jamal-Warner. I swear to you. He's Theo Huxtable.
Ashley's favorite secret hiding place? Ashley says it was his fort in a tree in the back yard. He says he can't say what he hid in the fort, but that he'd spend days in there. Ashley's mom says his favorite hiding place was this G.I. Joe Army box he had where he kept "things." Hey! Everybody wake up! I can't be the only one forced to watch this. Ashley tells FakeCarson that he still has that box, worried that maybe his mother has finally found his gay porn collection. Even the girls have stopped screaming at this point, and a few don't even bother smiling anymore.
Trevor. Has his mother sold any of his things on eBay? Trevor says he can't imagine his mom doing that. Too bad, Trevor. We see footage of a very tiny Trevor walking around as MamaTrevor explains that Trevor loved Fievel of An American Tail. Then she sold his Fievel doll on eBay. That's horrible. Trevor melts to the floor and dies. "That's wrong!" FakeCarson says, so happy to see the boys suffering. That really is harsh, selling Trevor's shit. Trevor's mom is yelling in the green room that he's acting like a pussy over this stuffed animal doll and that he's lying to everyone when he says it was his favorite thing in the world. "Baby, I'm sorry!" FakeCarson whines. I've never heard the word "baby" said with such insincerity before. Ashley and Erik joke that Trevor's doll is now "somewhere out there." Hee. Momentarily, Dan is fooled that someone in the audience has Trevor's doll. I guess Dan assumes that all of O-Town's fans are there in that room. It's not that far-fetched, I guess. Trevor says he actually met the girl who has his doll. He thought she was kidding when she bragged that she had it, but now he knows. Trevor's mom is mean. "Thanks, Mom!" Trevor says to us.
Jacob gets the easiest question. She asks him if his mother knows what languages he can sing. Jacob used to work at a Macaroni Grill, where he went from table to table singing opera. Jacob's mother is all, "He knows the I-Talian language!" They make him sing in Italian. Jacob starts singing, and my television screen shatters. The cats run in circles and a fire starts on its own in my fireplace. My toenails curl backwards and turn black. My hair flutters to the ground. The hand of God comes down and flicks me back a few feet, trying to save me from the torture of Jacob's I-Talian vocals. It's like getting stuck inside a Renaissance Festival.
FakeCarson has to go all out on the finger quotes as she asks Erik when his mother knew he was going to be a "heartbreaker." Erik gets all upset and shouts, "I never broke hearts! I was always the one getting heartbroken!" FakeCarson doesn't have "therapy breakthrough" written on her notecards, so she just lets the audience of girls make a confused moaning noise. Erik guesses the age "eight." MamaErik says it was when he was four. This must enrage Jacob, who has only been doing most things since he was five. MamaErik says she took a picture of him (to empty out her roll of film. I love that -- like a picture of her son was an afterthought), and he jutted out his tummy and hooked his hands in his pants. Erik freaks out and falls to the floor, begging them not to show the photo, but they do. It's black and white and Erik's posed in a total kiddie porn pose worthy of a Calvin Klein spread. Everyone is in hysterics. Erik runs in a circle, beating his hands up and down like a monkey as one of the moms screams, "He's dying!" This is why she flunked out of nursing school. Trevor wants to touch Erik. Ashley celebrates, because that's how he always sees Erik. Jacob has to get off his stool. Dan doesn't understand what the problem is. "That was awesome," Trevor beams. Erik is mortified. Jacob asks to see the picture again. Ashley looks protective, but the girls won't stop screaming. The picture goes up again. "I want it blown up to poster size," FakeCarson says. "It needs to be hung up somewhere," she continues. "Make it a shrine." Ashley's like, "You have no idea." Erik thanks his mother through us again. When is this episode ending? When? FakeCarson taunts that the boys have another surprise coming up after we're forced to watch the video for "We Fit Together," the song I've renamed "The Breaking of the Dawn."
Girls scream and "woo" over the song as they say how much they love O-Town, and the ticker at the bottom of the screen says how great O-Town is. Some girl from Sugarland says, "This song has an awesome beat and makes me move my feet and I just want to get up and dance all night long." I vomit all over my coffee table. WOOOOOOOO!
O-Town's songs are so gross. They want to go inside of every corner of me? There are places I wouldn't let Jacob go near if he was standing around the corner. The O-Moms are just outside waiting for their big entrances. MamaErik is doing the "Knock! Knock!" choreography, waiting for the inevitable moment when she will replace her son in the band. One of the moms doesn't want to go on because she knows her son will "kill" her. Ah, love.
More makeup on Ashley. More screaming. Screaming. Screaming. FakeCarson gives another introduction as there's screaming, screaming, screaming. FakeCarson brings out the O-Moms. They enter through fog. Trevor actually raises the roof for his mom. Trevor begins immediately putting his mother into a choke-hold and then bragging about it. Yikes. Girls scream and moan for Trevor not to kill his mother, even though she hocked his things on eBay like the unloving mother that she is. Trevor's mom just looks straight ahead with darkened, deadened eyes empty of any love for her son. She's just wondering how much she could get for selling her TRL backstage pass, wishing Trevor were in *NSYNC instead so she'd get more money for her shit.
FakeCarson condescends to the group by telling them all that they seem to know each other very well and have great relationships. Ask them about their dads, FakeCarson. FakeCarson tells all of us that you can always tell how a guy treats a girl by the way he treats his mother. I stop for a second and realize that it's very true. I've been treated like I was a cold, angry bitch by one, and another boyfriend constantly borrowed my car and asked me for money. Shit, FakeCarson, where have you been all my life? Can you give me some advice on my hair now? "It seems that Jacob and his mother know each other the best," FakeCarson declares. Yes, it's even creepier spoken out loud.
Holy fuck, I've got to recap a question and answer period? This sucks, y'all. Sheryl asks Erik's mom if she had any nicknames for him when he was younger -- WOOOOO! Erik's mom called him "Papa Roach." Everyone starts screaming because Papa Roach used to be on the countdown. No, she called him something in Spanish, but I don't know Spanish and I'm too lazy to put the closed captioning on and this recap is so long...Oh, fine. I'll see what the closed captioning says. Oh, there you go. This episode isn't closed captioned, it seems. Anyway, she called him that and then kissed him on the forehead. What does it matter? It doesn't! It doesn't! Oh, it just started working. Paparuch. I was close.
Abby wants to ask Jacob's mom if he was good at getting girls when he was younger. She says, "You know? Jacob wasn't actually all that interested in girls." Ree-hee-heeeeeeeeeallllly? Everybody tries to cover it up by saying that Jacob was "goal-oriented" and that girls were a distraction.
Sierra wants to ask Ashley's mom what adjustments she has to make due to Ashley's fame. I want to add here that I'm translating all of these questions from Teen Girl to English. Teen Girl has more of a roundabout syntax, like, "My question is for Ashley's mom and that is would be that if since..." and so on. Ashley's mom says she misses Ashley, and that's her biggest sacrifice. The crowd moans, coos, and then cheers. Screaming, screaming, screaming. FakeCarson says "unfortunately" they are out of time. She thanks the moms and says she had fun. I can't believe we don't see the credits for TRL.
Backstage, Trevor reluctantly forgives his mother and swears to us that he's going to get his doll back.
Dan tells us that he doesn't care what his mother says; he knows she loves his singing. He says he knows she misses him. Dan and Erik start singing "Wade in the Water" as everyone ignores them. Trevor once again tries to join in, but nobody wants him to, and he doesn't really know the words that well, anyway. Dan keeps charming Erik as the moms laugh and we fade out...
...and into footage from the O-Town DVD. What the hell? And it's none of your business how I know this is from the O-Town DVD. Jacob dedicates a song to the moms in a strange voice-over. It's "All or Nothing." Is that the right mom song? All the boys are now pointing, squatting, waving and wiggling, assignments be damned! Fists of passion are squeezed and then punctuated with rapid punches. Pointing of post-September 11 passion in fashionable pro-American fabrics is seen. Wiggling, crotch-grabbing, and forward bending of emotional turmoil is shown. Then, just when I can't believe this is still going on, my TiVo makes a noise. It has given up, and chosen to end this episode right here, answering O-Town's unending question of "Now or never?" I tried TiVoing this episode two more times over the past two days. Each time TiVo has refused to tape this episode, taping other channels entirely, or taping only the first half of the episode, proving that even machines are smarter than O-Town. It also proves that this episode was even longer than usual, as I tape two minutes before and two minutes after each episode and it still didn't fit in the thirty-four minute slot. TiVo wins this time, O-Town. Take that.