Previously on Making the Band: the boys audition and then pick Dan, despite the fact that he wears a giant sleeveless sweater. So much for good judgment. Ashley was pudgier. Dan knew he had his work cut out for him.
The credits. Hate them. These poor kids' last names are never announced, and when it lists them in the TV Guide description, I'm always like, "Underwood? Who's that?"
New York City. Ashley says that his life is very exciting right now. The president of J Records stands with the boys, and in a strange editing switch, Erik is announcing the news to Andrew that "Liquid Dreams" is #1 in America and Canada. I must have been in a coma, because I don't ever remember a time when people were listening to that song. Dan cheers. Ashley says that he's going to try to be professional, but he knows that he won't be able to be professional. He then hauls ass across the convention room and finds the lonely Jacob. He picks Jacob up and bounces him up and down. Jacob pretends he's a jet, for some reason. I don't even claim to understand a second of Jacob. Ashley tells us that fans are "finally" listening to them, and that they're gaining popularity.
Jacob's still got a stuffy nose. He says that he'd like to stay right where he is now, with a #1 record and a successful television show.
Dan reminds us here that this doesn't mean that they can now do "mediocre shows." Good to know. He says that he's the kind of person who needs to look into everyone's eyes before a show, and that they have to look back and say, "I'm ready." He says that he doesn't see them saying, "I'm ready." He sees in their eyes, "What time does our flight leave tonight?"
Here's where the show just becomes incredibly anti-Dan. For some reason, Dan has to defend his choice of "working" when he's at rehearsal. The boys tease him constantly and call him names, saying that he works too hard and is no fun. In some green room, Dan tries to get everyone to warm up by singing the note, "Bum!" The other four boys basically goof off around him. Then Jacob tries to get them to "bum!" whereupon Ashley does. Dan looks pissed. He tells everyone, "We've already proven that we do not do good if we are not focused." The others are all very silently saying, "Shut up, Dan." Ashley calls the group to order, and they start wailing, "All For Love." Jacob might be singing another song entirely. It's hard to tell. I think Jacob thinks he's in the Counting Crows.
Another horrible gig. This one is the "Jingle Ball Style Jam." Heh. The boys sing while young girls scream. I'm starting to understand that these shirts they wear all the time are their costumes. Jacob's mud flap lady t-shirt, Ashley's gray cross shirt, Trevor's black sleeveless hoodie number—this is how they want to be represented every night on stage. I had to watch five episodes before I figured that out. Obviously the "look" is coming off as "lazy." I'd like to meet the wardrobe crew for these boys. Girls scream.
Backstage, the boys are discussing the show. Apparently it didn't go very well, but I really couldn't tell the difference between "good" and "bad." Someone says that they've never had to do as much "improv" as they did during that show. Apparently Ashley's mic went out during "All For Love." They're playing background music as everyone's talking, so it's still hard to tell what's going on, but it seems that Trevor grabbed a spare mic and danced over to Ashley to hand it to him, but that Ashley didn't take it. Ashley asks, "It affected me and my show how?" Ashley still thinks he's the lead in a band and the other four are just there for backup. I love that. Dan tells us in a voice-over that looking back over the show he can see that it wasn't that bad, but the Dan on the screen is now miming the incident to Ashley over and over again. He tells Ashley that he has to start "concentrating." He punctuates this by jamming his fingers into his temples. Ashley asks to see a tape of the show so that he can see how not having a microphone affected his performance. The argument is going on without anyone's really explaining to us what happened. Other people just start leaving the room, since they can't take Ashley and Dan arguing over something as trivial as O-Town's music. Ashley says that he was concentrating because he knew that "Liquid Dreams" was going to be the song. Since we don't know what happened, this doesn't sound like any sort of point that Ashley's making. Dan says that Ashley sometimes has a problem "drifting off." Dan's not wearing a shirt. I wish that Ashley weren't wearing a shirt. I wonder what I'm going to do for lunch since I have to be somewhere at 3:30. Oh. Sorry. Back to the recap. Ashley says, "But to say that I don't pay attention is a false...false comment. To say that sometimes I've drifted, yes. Have we all sometimes? Yeah. Is it something I need to work on? Yeah." Ashley keeps asking himself questions and then answering them until Dan starts jumping in the air screeching, "You didn't let me finish!" There's a strange cut where Ashley does a take, but I think it's a reaction to a different part of their conversation. Ashley tells us in a voice-over that Dan carries around too much tension. There's some scary Blair Witch music here as Ashley tells us Dan brings that tension upon himself.
Strange edit as someone tells Dan he's got too much "drama" today, and then we're watching Andrew talk to Boston Mike. He's saying that this is a problem with communication.
Dan tells us that people should be handling their business. I'm not sure what that means either.
Erik decides to "break it down" for us. We watch Dan sleep in an airplane as Erik tells us that Dan doesn't quite fit in with the other guys. He says that Dan will just "go to work and then come home." Erik wonders whether Dan's been like this "his entire life." I find it amusing that the other boys find Dan to be a "freak" because he does his job.
No Name is complaining to Dan about the other bad singers in O-Town. No Name also possesses No Talking Skills. A particular gem: "As an escapist type of move, they just do silly stuff." Dan says that they're trying to lighten the mood. "It's counterproductive," No Name explains, "on the real side of things, you know." Dan says he knows. No Name says that someone should talk to the other boys about this: "It's distracting. It's distracting. So that's not productive. That's why I say it's counterproductive." It's like he's reading lines I gave him so that he'll look stupid. Dan says he knows. No Name says, "I'm gonna tell you a secret. That's the luck of show business. That's the luck of show business." It's like the people on this show don't realize that the people on this show can see this show.
Dan gets into a car, rolls down the window, and pretends he knows how to start one of those things as he tells us in a voice-over that he likes it when his teachers tell him nice things because that lets him know he's doing the right thing. Suck-ass.
Jacob plays Tony Hawk as Erik asks Dan whether he's going out with all of them tonight. Dan says that he wants to "be better for tomorrow." Erik isn't happy with that. Strange edit of Jacob just sort of looking somewhere. I'm sure he's not even really in the room, and they've edited in this game-playing footage to make it look like he was involved with something. Erik wants Dan to come out. Dan explains that he's trying to "take care of [his] job." He says that this is the only job he has. Jacob's still looking to the left. Dan tells Erik to go out and do his thing, but that he'll stay home alone watching television. Suddenly it's Trevor watching television like he's playing Tony Hawk as Dan says he hangs out with the guys all the time. Erik says that Dan doesn't. He says that the four of them go out and hang out all the time and it makes them feel good, but that Dan never goes with them. The dramatic tension Casio keyboard goes into overdrive as Trevor (there's no Jacob there anymore) mumbles into his cup, "It's the biggest part of morale." He's just watching television. There's no Tony Hawk in sight. Why did they edit all of that together? Dan says that he'll be a part of morale when he's healthy tomorrow. Dude, he's sick. Let him rest. Erik prances off. Strangely edited Jacob looks away. Dan looks up where Erik was once standing. It's a very badly edited sequence. The music sounds like Moby accidentally stepped on a keyboard walking over to his pile of money as we go to commercial.
The screen reads "Trans Con 'Liquid Dreams' rehearsal." They're still rehearsing this song? I wonder whether this Dan show is just completely out of order. Oh, man, this is bad. Trevor beatboxes as the other boys sing the song a cappella. Then someone takes over the beatboxing as Trevor kicks in his "hot girl" crap. Trevor's nostrils scare me. Jacob. Stop singing. It looks like you're in as much pain as I'm in, anyway.
Ashton Kutcher, my least favorite male, is introducing O-Town as #5 on TRL, and for some reason we have to watch part of the video again. What does this have to do with the Dan Problem? Nothing. Just filler. They've blurred out the MTV logo. ["Are you sure it's MTV? Seriously, I think TRL is on Animal Planet now. Not. Why would they edit out the MTV logo? This show is an MTV co-production!" -- Wing Chun]
The guys hear their song on the radio and cheer. They're in a van. I should be specific here and say that you only see Jacob, Ashley, and Boston Mike.
The boys are on the cover of YM. It looks like they got someone else to play Erik for the photo shoot.
Quick montage of rehearsing in school gyms and the boys singing this song again and again. The harmonies are getting worse as the song progresses.
As the song comes to a close and the boys bow in front of screaming girls, Dan explains to us in a voice-over that he loves the fans, but that he'd rather not be noticed or stand out in the group, and that makes the other guys tease him. He says he'd rather focus on the music than act out in front of pre-teen girls, and the other guys don't understand him.
Erik tells us that whenever he's in the "public," he tries to make people "feel as good as possible." This means, according to this film segment, that when Erik is near a group of fans, he'll stand at a distance and wave. Heart of gold, that boy.
Trevor signs autographs as he tells us in a voice-over that Dan's shyness makes them look bad as a group. Whatever -- you just don't want to sign autograph books and hug twelve-year-olds. I can see through your lies, Trevor What'sYourFace. Right through them. Slow-motion shot of a completely bored fan.
I don't understand this part coming up. Dan walks into a dressing room and tells us that he doesn't think it matters whether he's a crowd pleaser or likes to sign autographs. He says he thinks the guys care the most about his level of singing. Right at this moment, Trevor, Ashley, Erik, and Silent Mike (sorry, Jacob!) join hands and dance in a circle, taunting, "Dan is irresponsible. Dan is mean! Dan is irresponsible! Dan is mean! Dan is irresponsible!" ["I just want to say that Glark watched the show for the first time this week and when it came to this part he changed the channel because he just could not understand what was going on." -- Wing Chun] Dan then freaks the hell out, roaring, "I'm not mean! Shut the fuck up!" He and his issues storm out of the room. Ashley follows with his lucky blowjob shirt. That was irresponsible, Pamie. That was mean. By the way, if any of my friends got in a circle, danced, and chanted that I was mean, I think I'd find an entirely new state to live in with entirely new friends. ["I'm making a mental note of that right now." -- Wing Chun]
"Their teasing isn't really about me being irresponsible," Dan explains. "It's about a little jealousy that I'm the most responsible." Oh. I get it, Dan. Thanks for clearing that up.
Cut to some moment in time the boys have had where Dan's jumping down Trevor's throat. They're all wearing layers of clothes and it's snowing outside the van. Trevor looks like he's about to jump out of a plane, by the way. Dan's mocking Trevor, saying that he doesn't like getting made fun of. Trevor says he wasn't making fun of Dan. Dan keeps on making noises like Trevor was. Ashley just watches. Jacob is asleep to them. "Dan, I'm sorry for mocking you," Trevor says with his eyes rolled up inside his head. Ashley says something about not talking to Dan, and Dan agrees. Dan leans back as Trevor says that they're just going to ignore Dan. I wish we could actually get some of the arguments instead of these segments that make no sense at all.
Ashley tells us that he knows Dan as the responsible, "on-top-of-it" guy, but he doesn't really know Dan, you know? He says he doesn't know anything about Dan's "personal life." Perhaps because it's "personal," shithead.
Dan's suddenly in some closet in a hotel on his "Video Journal," talking to us. He tells us that his friends and family back home haven't been calling anymore, and that he's worried about people changing more than he is. He misses the "support" and "love" he used to get from home.
Dan's in a rehearsal studio making a cell-phone call. He calls up Cindy, his ex-girlfriend back home. He tells us that they recently broke up. Dan tells Cindy just to keep calling him. She's talking about something (I think maybe prom?) and he's laughing, but it's hard to hear her shrieks through the phone and the closed captioning sums it all up with "Ha Ha Ha." So, there you go.
Dan explains that Indianapolis isn't really his hometown, but it's close to it, so his friends are coming to visit him on this stop of the tour. In a hotel lobby, Erik is raving about some cookies. He then starts shouting, "Where'd you learn how to cook these? Angela!" Then, because it's so horrible, he has to explain to us that he just did his Tony Danza impersonation. Tony Danza calls and says, "I'm on the settlement that says that kid can't claim either me or Estrada as family. He's not even allowed to mention my name or my likeness." I don't understand why we never see these boys smack each other. I would have hit Erik right in the face after that crap-ass impression. Cindy and the others show up at this point. Cindy says, "Awesome." She's also totally retro with her incredible amounts of blue eye shadow, flippy fake blonde hair, and skin-tone lipstick. Jacob offers her a cookie. She turns it down. And if we learned anything from last week's show, she's going to keep turning down everything Dan offers. Cindy immediately turns it on for the camera, whining that she was stuck in traffic, and then moans that she spilled coffee all over her nice new skirt. I'm terrified that this is how I'd come off on camera to a bunch of strangers because I'm all, "Wah! The trip took forever!" whenever I go somewhere, too. ["Please. You're beautiful, baby!" -- Wing Chun]
Dan and Cindy are immediately off to a hotel room as Dan tells us they're currently in the middle of an "awkward stage." He opens the door for her and calls her a lady. She laughs. A makeup-less Cindy tells us this is the first time she and Dan have seen each other since they decided to break up.
Dan is on his face on the bed, right to Cindy's knee. She's leaning back against the headboard. She asks whether he's excited to see her. He says he is. He says he was hoping she wouldn't be scared or "different." She says she was nervous: "I guess. I didn't know how to react. If I should run up and hug you and kiss you...or shake your hand." They laugh. She says she misses him. "I know," he says. He says he sees other people doing "boyfriend and girlfriend things" and he's all, "Man." Cindy starts crying and says she hasn't cried since they last talked. Dan tells her that she can go out and date other people. In a voice-over, Cindy tells us that she's proud of Dan. To Dan, she says that it wouldn't be fair to any other guy because she'd either be thinking of Dan or comparing him to Dan. Cindy tells us that she knows he's lonely, but that he needs to be focused on O-Town right now because he deserves this. Cindy tells Dan that she doesn't understand why they're even trying to have girlfriends right now. Dan punches a pillow and agrees that it's hard. He says it's not the "optimal situation for a relationship." The closed captioning thinks he said, "optil." I like that. "You can say that again," Cindy says. The closed captioning, again, thinks she said, "You know what they say." This is because Cindy and Dan are mumbling through their chewing gum, and I can't even hear what they're saying on the first try. Cindy chews her lip and over-pouts into the commercial break.
Cindy explains to us that we don't see how much these boys are giving up to be in this band. I guess Cindy knows that nobody's watching this show, either. We watch her put on tons of makeup as she says she knows that Dan can't wait to see his friends and family.
Dan is hugging and palling around with his friends and family. He looks happy.
Quickly, the other guys ruin it because they're horrible people. The four of them are huddled around a table and someone's all, "Here's the Dan analogy. Here's the Dan analogy." This analogy takes way too long, by the way, because everyone's trying to be so damn cute and funny, but basically Erik puts down four knives and then plops a pepper shaker into the middle of them and says that the pepper shaker is Dan. He labels the four knives, "Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister." Mmm. I'm voting for Ashley as Sister, and Erik as Mom. What do you think? Ashley and Trevor try to sing, "One of These Things Is Not Like the Other," but they don't know the words or the tune. Then Ashley (who I hope is drunk, or there's really no excuse) says, "I mean, out of the four of us, Dan's usually the odd man out. I mean, out of the five of us. I mean, out of the four of us right here." He's right. He is a butter knife. They have the same I.Q.
Because they really are horrible, horrible people, they aren't out at a bar making fun of Dan. They're at the table. They call Dan over, away from the family members and closest friends he misses so much to tell him that he's a pepper shaker. "Oh, my goodness!" Cindy whines, like she knows that they're about to call him a pepper shaker. Dan walks over all smiles, and squats between Ashley and Trevor. Dan says that this had better be important. Cindy whines that she can't see. Trevor tells her that she's not supposed to see. Asshole. Ashley whispers that they're all very curious as to why he's so different from the rest of his family. Dan says he doesn't know why. "What happened?" Ashley asks. Erik starts pulling out the knife joke again. He puts down the pepper shaker and says, "That's you." Dan at first is flattered, saying, "I'm the middle!" Then they're all, "No, not that you're the middle. The fact that it's knife, knife, knife, knife and then..." Jacob busts in, "You're just messing the whole thing up, man." Ashley's just repeating, "What's going on, man?" I hope they're very drunk. There's nothing on the table but knives, so I'm wondering if it's a bar or a restaurant. Dan says that when all four of them are going to go out, he'll go out too. Even though that's what they asked him to do, now they're all, "You're only going out because we're making you." ["That scene, to me, was way crueler than the 'Dan is irresponsible! Dan is mean!' scene. Like, they came up with this shitty thing, and it wasn't bad enough that they were talking behind his back -- like, directly behind his back -- but then they called him over to make sure that just in case he wasn't eavesdropping, he'd still know they were talking shit about him. Those little bitches." -- Wing Chun]
Trevor laughs, all proud of himself, bragging that they give Dan a hard time "all the time." He laughs and says he doesn't know why. I think Trevor did it so that they'd stop making fun of him all the time. I mean, Trevor has to know that if Dan was gone he'd be head douche, right?
I don't understand this tiny clip at all. Cindy, Boston Mike, Ashley, Dan, and -- I guess -- some other people are in a van. Everyone is sort of singing some noises except Cindy, Dan, and Boston Mike. Ashley leans towards Boston Mike's ear and looks like he's about to stick his tongue in it. Then we cut to the driver making a turn. No sense.
If it's Indianapolis, it must be time for the Santa Slam 2000! Woo! These poor kids. Dan's ten friends, mostly girls, show up backstage. They're all whored out, walking right past Dan to meet the other four boys. Dan says he's happy his friends can see the show because it makes him feel wanted. He gives the blonde standing to Cindy an overly long hug. Cindy introduces her roommate Maureen. Maureen walks over like she's the headliner for tonight's concert and that the boys should be honored they get to meet her. Nobody's listening, talking to, or standing near Dan as he announces, "Feel free to introduce yourself to all the guys." Already done, Dan. Suddenly Trevor tells us, "My perspective on Dan changed when his friends came down and we all hung out." Right. Dan has hot chick friends. Therefore Dan equals free girls equals possible sex equals Dan's the Man. Trevor continues backpedaling, saying that he thinks Dan's friends and Trevor's friends are very similar, which makes him feel closer to Dan. Right. The friends and the boys joke that they call him "Danny," while everyone in O-Town calls him "Dan." Trevor is surrounded by ladies, enjoying the concept of "Dan" more and more with each minute.
The Killer of Fun, a.k.a. Andrew, announces that it's almost time for the show, and the boys have to leave the room to get ready. Trevor is still calling Dan "Danny."
The concert. Cindy gets to stand near the bouncers in the front row. That, and she's the only one there old enough to buy beer. Dan struts out to the hometown crowd and announces "Liquid Dreams." Cindy seems surprised by the crowd's cheers. I love it because they're standing in front of a bunch of instruments, but they're dancing to a CD. You also can't hear the boys singing on the CD because the crowd is louder than the group. Dan comes to the front of the stage to touch Cindy.
The Dan retrospective starts as we see shots of Dan wearing the most unfortunate choices in clothing. Someone's explaining to us that Dan is still Dan and because he's Dan, well, that's just great. I love how now they all love Dan because Dan has friends. Since other people like Dan, and those people have boobies, then Dan must have some good qualities somewhere, like phone numbers of people with boobies. I hate the dance move in "Liquid Dreams" where they mime putting their left hands into their pants, starting at their chests. It's so gross.
Shot of the bus. This is so when Trevor says in a second, "Me and Ash were just talking on the bus," we're supposed to feel a bit grounded. Trevor is telling Dan on some empty stage that they didn't want him to think they were talking badly about him when they told him he was a pepper shaker. It's like the three of them hate each other. Ashley says that Dan's important to the group. Dan says he knows he's different. He mumbles something about being uptight on things he shouldn't be and "loose" on things he should be. Then Ashley tries to spin it: "We probably need that difference." Heh. Trevor looks over like, "Good cover, man." Ashley says they weren't talking about him being a pepper shaker in a bad way. Ashley also thinks it was a salt shaker, so who trusts his brain to do anything, really? ["He was drunk, anyway." -- Wing Chun] Dan's all "no hard feelings," but I wonder what he'll think when he sees the show and sees everyone making fun of him because they're assholes. Poor deluded Dan sums up by saying that he thinks he's "gotten real close to the guys." Then he's all, "I mean, I've been working on it." He says he knows it's "a growing process." I end up saying it every episode, but I wish these kids had finished school.
It's laundry day at O-Manor: a time when Trevor and Dan fight over socks. That's what they do for three minutes here. Trevor screams, "I'm not jacking your socks!" I'm sure people scream that around O-Manor all the time. Dan screams back, "You're a liar! You're a liar!" So much sexual tension and misplaced testosterone in that house.
Cut to some bathroom scene, where Erik holds a hair crimper and Dan says that he'll go out with them because all four of them are going. It's like I had a bad dream about O-Town and I'm trying to tell you about it. Why is Erik holding a crimper? Erik and Dan stick their fingers up their noses as Ashley watches all close and someone says that they're not going to see eye-to-eye. See? It's like I'm remembering parts of a dream instead of watching a television show. Cue the obligatory faked-fun snowball fight. Someone says, "But we're not going to go anywhere." You got that right, kid. "If we're self-destructive." Oh. That too. Trevor and Dan toss snowballs at each other's asses and roll around in the snow as Trevor tells us, "It's not that he's a different Dan, he's just, he's just a more laid-back Dan, I guess." Dan tells us that he feels like he fits in, now. Trevor and Dan fell in love during that snowball fight. I saw it happen. So did Ashley, who announces he's getting into his car now as the episode comes to an end.
We didn't learn a damn thing during that episode. What a waste of time. Not even a good fight. Or naked Ashley. What's the point? Dan. Go back to being silent. Stay out of my way.