Previously: Jonathan didn't shine at the photo challenge and spazzed out and modeled SO HARD on the catwalk that he almost got sent home. Salome's ass is not shrinking and neither are Sandhurst's thighs, and this is unacceptable. Mountaha won immunity. Marlon said to Salome, "I have a problem with your body," but she wasn't eliminated. She may have died inside, but she wasn't eliminated. It was emotionless Jordan who got the boot. Good riddance, I say.
All the judges are here! I know I complain when they're not, but I could actually use a little break from Perou about now. It's morning at the condo and Salome reads the clue for the photo challenge. It warns them to bring warm clothes, because they are about to become polar bears. Salome informs us that polar bears go into the water and hunt for fish. She thinks she's fishing, nice. Mountaha interviews that she and Salome are the final two girls, but she thought it would be her and Jordan. Eff all the Salome haters up in there. Sandhurst interviews that the judges were sending a message by eliminating Jordan. Any slip-up can mean going home.
The models head for the beach, where a graphic informs us that it is 36 degrees! Brr. Sandhurst says that the weather in his home of Trinidad and Tobago is always perfect. Tyson and Nicole greet them while standing behind a blue tarp. Mountaha wonders if there's a dead body under the tarp. FYI- I was at a party with her two nights ago. Someone had to tell me it was her and I was directly behind her. I don't know what that means. Tyson points out that Salome no longer has her weave and Jonathan is blonde again! Jonathan replies that blonde was better and Tyson agrees. It's going to be a swimsuit shoot today. Nicole says that most fashion layouts for summer are shot in the winter, so they have to act like it's warm. Branden is not excited. He's wearing warm clothes and is still cold.
An "iconic, groundbreaking" photography team who has worked with David Bowie, Beyonce and Anne Hathaway (Salome whispers, "Who?") will be shooting the models today. It's Markus Klinko and Indrani, who look just as European as you would have imagined. ["Now is the time on Klinko when we take pictures!" - Zach] Markus says that they will be shooting a traditional swimsuit layout. They have to be sexy, even though it's cold. Indrani says they will be shooting with a partner and it's under the blue tarp! She removes it and there's a lot of dead fish and slimy things. WTF? I already don't want any of these swimsuits. Way to groundbreak yourselves right out of a job, Klink and Indrani. This is stupid. Tyson tells the "sons of beaches" (he did NOT think of that himself) to get fitted.
There's Branden's behind, which never gets old. Well, it will one day, but definitely not during the run of this show or for many years afterwards. The photogs decide that Branden and Jonathan should trade suits, so we get dueling behinds. I could write a bit of a dissertation about the individual qualities of their backsides, but let's just leave it with -- they're hot. Hot asses. As they trade, Branden says, "Dude, my cock is touching his cock." Laughs all around. This is my favorite show. Nicole comes in to say that, since so much is being asked of them for this shoot, they're going to have some help. It's Nicole's "friend," Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, Jessica Gomes. Like clockwork, Branden interviews that she's sexy and goes, "Mrow!" She explains that swimsuit modeling is about creating curves and showing off the suit. She will be giving each of them tips during the shoot.
She starts with Jonathan, who is wearing this modified '80s gym short. Jessica says that it's a good suit, because it's not tight and he can move. Sandhurst is wearing silver lamé shorts and he says that they make him think of Poseidon, god of the ocean. Tyson's all "exactly." Sandhurst says that he needs to bring intensity with his eyes, but Tyson warns him not to squint. Branden has the slimmest body of the boys, so Jessica tells him that he'll need to move around a lot and be fearless. Tyson tells him to act like some sort of god of the sea in order to forget the cold. Hot coffee would also help, craft services. Jessica tells Salome that, while wearing a 2-piece, you have to suck in your stomach. Nicole adds that Salome should use her ass, just make sure it's not the only thing in the picture. They tell Mountaha to accentuate her waist and use her boobs. That's what I plan on telling my daughter on the eve of her high school graduation.
Salome goes first. Her arms are wrapped with eels and she poses with a fishing net. She looks so cold that it's painful. Indrani tells her not to smile, but I think it's more of a grimace. She finally stops smiling and Indrani is much more happy. Markus tells her to act like she's having a good struggle with a lover. Then, Markus tells her to turn around and it's like he hit the jackpot. He loves that ass. Salome freaks in her interview that the judges are going to be upset about her showing her ass. The final shot is her holding a fish above her head and her butt pointed at the camera.
Jonathan is trying to distract himself from the wind and his self-described "raisin-like balls." He carries two large fish in the photo. Markus asks him to act like he's bringing the fish home to his lover. He says that he was very happy with Jonathan's performance. He goes back into the dressing area and he's freezing -- he says that the worst part is holding the fish, because they're kept on ice. Sandhurst is worried. The temperature has dropped two degrees. They put squid on his shoulders. He's having a hard time showing multiple expressions, because he's fighting the cold. Markus asks him to make it sexy, but his teeth start chattering. Indrani asks him to act less like a robot and Markus wants him to be sexy. All of the instructions are confusing him. Then, Markus asks him to run out of the water, which Indrani tries to nix (because it's too freaking COLD!), but he makes him do it anyway. They're not happy. Markus says that he seems more like a Wall Street guy than a model. He's really worried after the shoot.
Branden put heat packs in his groin area, which seems like an altogether terrific idea. Once he's oiled up, he goes to the set and has to hold this huge fish. Boris and Natasha like his face, but not his body. He interviews that he knows that he doesn't match up to Jonathan and Sandhurst as a swimwear model, but he knows that he has a great look. Markus says essentially the same thing and Indrani remarks that his face is very handsome. Mountaha has this giant eel draped around her like a mink stole. She interviews that, although she has immunity, she wants to wow the judges. They tell her to turn profile, which we recall Perou hates on her. But, she thinks she nailed it. Indrani says that she's not a natural, but she tries really hard.
That night, they're cooking dinner together and Mountaha asks Sandhurst and Branden how they think they did. Sandhurst says that he's not going to think about it until he sees the picture. Branden says that he thinks that Salome is going to win again, because the photogs loved her. Whatever, replies Mountaha, that doesn't mean anything if she wins the photo challenge. I guess she's right, but I think she is saying that mostly because she's never won a photo challenge. God help me, that's right, isn't it? She interviews that there is competition between her and Salome and we see a shot of Salome bending over in front of Mountaha. Salome interviews that Mountaha is a firecracker and a great friend. Mountaha says that she's pretty sure she's going to beat Salome.
The day, Nicole arrives with the photos. She hands them out and we start with Jonathan. He's jumping in the air and it looks good. He's really happy with it. Mountaha is facing front in her photo and it also looks good. Everyone loves it. Branden's photo is a winner too! Everyone comments on how huge the fish is, which isn't really what you want to hear when you're wearing a Speedo. The fish is huge? The shot of Salome is completely of her ass. She's terrified. Jonathan interviews that she has cellulite that wasn't on the page, so it must have been retouched. Jee-Zus. I really hope they have a reunion show, because people have said some really interesting things about one another. Sandhurst doesn't like his photo. I guess his "muscular quads" are shown to his disadvantage and he feels it's not strong enough.
Cory calls, and the winner is... Salome! I. LOVE. IT. Sue me, ya'll, I love her. Everybody is stunned into silence. Branden looks really pissed. Sandhurst is at least big enough to interview that her run of photo challenge wins is "impressive." She interviews that she felt "a hundred silent middle fingers go up" when she won. She knows they're all wondering why the "fat girl" keeps winning the photo shoots. She and Mountaha are going to Rosa Cha! That's huge. They make Brazilian bikinis. [They must be pretty popular, since they were also on the season finale of America's Top Model last week. - Z] They will be meeting with Amir Slama, the designer of Rosa Cha. Salome is concerned about taking Mountaha to meet with another Brazilian. She wishes she were with someone who didn't speak "Porkogese." Always thinking about food, aren't you, fatty?
Nicole tells the boys that they will be working on a street campaign for the new furniture store, Blu Dot. My best friend got her sofa there! It's gorgeous. Jonathan is glad to be busy on their day off, because idle time can lead to over-thinking. On the way to the go-see, Salome asks the name of the designer and Mountaha refuses to tell her. Mountaha interviews that she has helped Salome a ton and taught her so much about modeling during this competition, and she's done now. So, Rosa Cha was exactly what we've come to expect. Salome is too fat. Mountaha is stronger, but Amir thinks that neither of them is suited for swimwear. He does, however, ask them to model dresses in Rosa Cha's upcoming trunk show. Salome is thrilled. She says that she has done so much on this show that she'd never done before: an underwater shoot, learning about the '60s... She feels like a regular person, not a Mennonite, for the first time.
At Blu Dot, the guys are asked to create interest on the street for their modern furniture. Jonathan says that you should be able to work in any market as a model. We see him on the street engaging with passers-by. The storeowners were very happy with his performance. Branden used the opportunity more to gawk at ladies. He was so comfortable that the owners said it was like nothing was out of the ordinary. Sandhurst, poor Sandhurst, has a much harder time. In fact, he breaks the desk that he's supposed to be working with. He says that he can hear his cousins calling him by his nickname: "Clumz."
Back at the condo, the boys arrive and Mountaha is thrilled. She interviews that she's sick of Salome talking about being a Mennonite all of the time. God, she's a bitch, yes? There's a ring at the door and it's Marlon. He's going to critique the footage for the swimsuit shoot. He tells Salome that he likes her butt photo (and wonders if it was retouched). He says that she needs to learn her best angles. He loves Mountaha's hair, but she stood flat to the camera for most of her shoot. Marlon loved everything about Jonathan's shots. Branden says the shoot was cold, and Marlon makes a small dick measurement with his fingers and asks, "That cold?" Fun times. He mentions that Branden has skinny legs, so he should keep them together in swimsuit photos. Branden interviews that he takes criticism very personally(as a child, he was called "Giraffe" because of his long neck! Sad!), so he took the leg comment to heart. Marlon complimented some of the photos, though. Sandhurst gets slammed. Marlon says that he doesn't show them a range. Sandhurst interviews that he needs to "obliterate the catwalk." As he's leaving, the models ask Marlon if he's going on a date, but he says he's going home to sleep. "I have a big day tomorrow. I have to kick someone off a show!"
The day, the models arrive at the catwalk. Tyson and Nicole greet them. Tyson says that there is no more immunity for winners. The models will be modeling two looks each this week. They'll be working with designers who have worked with Rihanna and Beyonce. Then, Tyson introduces "The Blonds." A man and woman, both very blonde, enter the catwalk. Wait. Jonathan says that he noticed the cute girl, then he noticed her Adam's apple. Heh. He says Branden was like, "Boobies." But, no, "Sausage." You see him pick up on reality. Something is shaken inside of him. Phillipe Blond, celebrity designer and wearer of dresses, tells them that one of the looks they'll model will be high-glamour, the other will be Goth. The other Blond, David, says that they will need to create a character on the catwalk.
They go backstage for more surprises. It looks like the boys are going to be wearing heels and corsets alongside the girls. Sandhurst has problems fastening his jeans, and Salome sings to him "Thunder Thighs" to what sounds like the tune to Lady Gaga's "Poker Face." Sandhurst interviews that he is worried for himself.
The show begins with Branden's Goth look. Perou doesn't even recognize him. He's wearing a blond wig and it does make him look totally different. He says that he's going to work hard on his character. He looks good. Salome seemed a little stiff in her look. She interviews that her shoes were falling off. Sandhurst comes on in a blond wig. They all are wearing wigs, but I needed to point his out. Perou says his ass looks big and Jenny agrees. Mountaha comes on and looks fine. She refers to herself in the third-person and says that she hopes to impress the judges more this week. Here's Jonathan, showing his torso. It is good. They rush backstage to change into their Glamour looks. Branden is first again, and he's wearing a corset. He says that he's really uncomfortable but hopes that he doesn't appear that way. Jenny thinks that he looks good in the clothes. Salome is and looks great coming down the catwalk, but her butt is showing as she leaves. Here's Sandhurst, and that corset is tight! He hopes that he won't be like Hillary Clinton, losing everything at the end. Jonathan is and says that, since designers will be deciding if they like his walk or not in the real world, he hopes to impress The Blonds and nurture a relationship with them. I bet they'd be open to that. Here's Mountaha in a feathery get-up and she interviews that her walk was perfect.
Tyson introduces the judges. Perou says that Branden looks great as a blonde woman. Catherine thought he was very strong. Jenny didn't like his picture, he's not swimsuit guy, but she says that's fine. A lot of designers are looking for skinny dudes, it's more avant-garde. Jenny says that Jonathan's photo makes her laugh. Perou likes that he can do that, but says that he wouldn't want his entire portfolio to be filled with crazy-guy photos, which I think just about everyone knows without needing to be told. Catherine thought that he was very good on the catwalk, but she would like to see more emotion from him. For Salome, she says that her entrance tonight was weak. And, following that was a weak walk. Marlon says that he liked her photo, but her walk was wobbly. He asks her how she feels about her outfit and she says that it's amazing. Does she think she's doing it justice? Well, "apparently" she wasn't strong enough, so... Good answer. Perou just says that this wasn't her strongest week. Jenny says that she wasn't sure about Mountaha at first, but she has grown. Perou liked the way she made the clothes move. Catherine thought that Sandhurst looked ridiculous. Perou mentions his big ass. Catherine says that his face had no depth in his picture. Jenny tells him that she needs him to convey something in his photo, but she's not sure he can get it in a week. He assures her that he can. Tyson tells Sandhurst that he wants him to loosen up. Nicole says that she doesn't think either girl should go home.
The judges confer. Catherine says it's the first time she didn't like Sandhurst on the runway. Jenny thinks he knew that he looked ridiculous, which Marlon thinks is a count against him. He thinks that Salome is beautiful in pictures, but he still has "a problem with her body." That's such a horrible thing to hear. She's limited because the clothes don't fit her. Mountaha's is Perou's favorite picture. And, he loved her walk. Catherine didn't like the movement of the clothes, which Perou disagrees with. Marlon says that Jonathan gave a wide range of shots to the photogs. Catherine says that it's time for him to remove his mask. Jenny wonders if he plays it safe because the stakes are so high for him. Catherine loved Branden's performance on the catwalk. She felt like this is the first time she hasn't looked at him as a kid. Perou repeats that sentiment and says that in one week he has gone from a boy to a man. The decision is made.
We're all here. Tyson tells Mountaha that she has evolved, but now it's time to take it to the level. She is safe. He asks Jonathan to surprise them. Branden rocked the catwalk, but he needs to work to be consistent. Branden is... safe. Jonathan won! No immunity, though. Big deal. He says the same thing. It's down to Sandhurst and Salome. They hold hands. Tyson grabs a book. He says that Sandhurst has the body of a supermodel, but the face of an accountant. He tells Salome that her walk disappoints. Sandhurst is... safe! NO! Okay, now I'm upset. I understand that her butt really is big, but... I'm so upset. I am. Eff this, I can't be big right now. She says that she's annoyed that she didn't get her body perfect before she got here, so she would have been able to spend more time working on her walk. Tyson tells her to go home and get the highest heels she can find and don't take them off until she can work it. Boo. She says that she can still be a supermodel, just not this second.
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Jeff Long is boo. He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com.