Previously: There was ass all over the place. The models posed nude with accessories. Amanda thought that walking around in front of her son would make him not gay (seriously), so she was kicked off. The episode was perfection.
There are six models left! The whole crew of judges is here again! It's almost like this show could have a consistent point-of-view soon. Weird! It's morning and, while Branden is asleep, Mountaha is walking slowly on the treadmill. She tells us that, though she hasn't won anything, she is getting "stronger" every day. Pick up the pace on that treadmill, Mountaha. I think this might be the week when you have a little trouble. Like Jonathan. He's performing his brutal regime of abs exercises. He interviews that he thinks the top three will be Jordan, Sandhurst, and himself. We see shots of Salome, sleeping Branden, and Mountaha -- ignorant of his statement and sort of staring into space. I don't think he's right. I still think Branden could be there in the end. Whatever sort of "growth" the judges are seeing in the models, Branden is still the only one who really looks like he could fit in with current high fashion models.
Jordan sings a song for us about being glad that Amanda is gone. Salome finds the clue about today's photo challenge. It's time for them to "get ROWDY." Branden stumbles out, wondering why no one woke him up. Jonathan says that he tried three times. Poor Branden needs his mommy. Mountaha informs him that they're leaving in 20 minutes, which means there is no time for him to have his daily breakfast of bacon and Coca-Cola. That sounds so good.
They are instructed to go to the rooftop of some building, where they are greeted by Tyson and Nicole, who is wearing a headband. That's a thing of hers, isn't it? Tyson reminds them that this business is about saving the world. Kidding, it's about selling a product. Nicole adds with that accent I still can't believe is Australian that they have to please a client and sell a brand. Shit, that's one thing too many for most of these guys. Tyson says that they're about to meet someone who has produced songs for Gwen Stefani and Madonna, started his own record label, and designed the fashion line Rowdy. Salome has terror in her eyes-- "Are we going to have to dance?" Dallas Austin comes out. He tells the models that he created the line in 1991 and is inspired by the fashions and music that he grew up with. Um, Branden was BORN in 1991 or thereabouts, yes? I need to have a hip replaced. Dallas says it's Bono, the Fonz, and James Dean mixed together. That's also several decades mixed together, but it takes longer for some to grow up than for others. It's also Mad Max and the Sex Pistols. Salome looks around a little bit. No one ever speaks of Ye Olde Sex Pistols in Mennonite Land. You just get it in a carved wooden box on your wedding day and it takes you seven embarrassing years to learn how it works. They just wear them on t-shirts out here? It's more sinful then she ever thought. She's thrilled. Seriously though, Rowdy looks like a line of t-shirts, and the celebrity t-shirt line is very 1991.
Mountaha is excited because this looks like it might be the edgy shoot that she has needed. Branden is excited because they will be "rocking and rolling." He also adds that they will be "humping." Because he's 18. Tyson says that Dallas is looking for six shots that he can use in his new campaign and has "hired" Patrik Andersson to take the shots. Patrik comes out and says that the models can forget about the "posed" modeling that they usually partake in. This will be all about that rowdy energy. Tyson says that the models will be switched out and put in different groupings throughout the shoot. The challenge is to be in as many of the six chosen photos as possible.
They guys go first and they look kind of like droogs from A Clockwork Orange mixed with punk and Bugle Boy and grunge. Unfocused, one might say. So, Branden, Sandhurst, and Jonathan fake jump around and act like they're ROWDY. Patrik eventually takes Sandhurst out and shoots the other two. Sandhurst interviews that he feels that he and Jonathan are fighting for the title. Wow, maybe they are. They keep telling us that. Then, Patrik takes Branden out of the photo. Branden interviews that Patrik forgot about him after that point. Jonathan poses and poses and poses and interviews, "I don't care about all of those other models. I wanna be in that photo lens, in it's face all day." Jordan says that she realizes she can't be in all six photos, because the girls are still in the dressing room. Sandhurst and Branden are in different clothes and posing and he takes Branden out of the photo. Branden says he feels like he just got shit on. Poor guy. Sandhurst poses his little heart out and Dallas and Patrik seem to like it. He's wearing an eye patch with rhinestones on it. I say "no" to this look.
The girls come out and there's a group shot with everyone. Then, just Jordan. She's thrilled because she says she's best when she's alone, she's always been a loner. Keep up that attitude, Jordan, and I think you won't have any problem staying alone. Salome honestly says that Jordan is very good in front of the camera and she is jealous. Branden worries that he's going to be the guy without any photos and Sandhurst tells him to just get through the day. Maybe Sandhurst is tired of giving advice to Branden? Patrik laughs to Branden that he needs to make a model cry; otherwise it won't be a perfect shoot. OK. He's apparently complaining, because Jordan hears and is bothered considering the boys are being shot more in the first place. Wow, he really is young. Patrik apparently obliges and shoots Branden solo. Branden still isn't happy because he wasn't asked to be ROWDY. Whatever, baby boy, pull it together.
After bitching to themselves that the boys have been shot in six looks while they have had only one, Salome and Jordan get another shot. Jonathan says that seeing Salome photographed was revealing, because you can see how she's pushing herself in front of the other girl. You end up only looking at Salome. Maybe he's right. I love her though. , they decide to shoot the girls topless in underwear. Jordan has to wear the drawers that Branden has been wearing. She is not happy about it. A stylist tells her, "A little crack sweat never hurt anybody." That is a fucking lie. The girls are shot with their boobs covered with hands and hair and it's a very dated looking shot to me. They're standing on this ledge and Jordan almost falls and screams, "They're trying to push me off. Sabotage!" Branden says that Mountaha nailed the shoot. He considers her a silent threat. Patrik shoots Salome alone (which kills Jordan) and she rocks it. Patrik, at one point, directs her to be "very rock n' roll promiscuous." Sandhurst interviews that, though Salome's body is not high fashion model thin, her body is amazing. Mountaha is also shot alone.
Afterwards, Dallas says that he got the gritty, rock n' roll stuff that he wanted. Patrik says that he got all of the shots that he needed. In fact, he got more good stuff than he expected. When they get home, Jordan tells Jonathan that he stood out at the shoot. He interviews that he thinks he will be in two or three of the images. Branden tells Salome that he's upset about the shoot. He interviews that he tried very hard and, then he starts crying. It's sad. I'm not being glib -- I think this might be some of his daddy issue stuff coming out. He tells Salome that the guy kept pulling him out of shots. He keeps crying in his interview, and seriously it's so sad. He says that the competition is down to only good people and he doesn't feel like he can compare. OK, this is sick, but I'm only being honest. Branden has never, not in his whole entire hot little life, been as fucking smoking as he is crying in this interview. I recall having the same reaction about someone in some other recap from the vault. Maybe it's my own hang-up. It does something really beautiful to his face though. I love little gay-fearing Branden and nothing can make me stop. He weeps, gasping for air, that he is going to try his hardest on the catwalk. He believes that he deserves to be here and he wants to show people what he can do.
The morning, Salome and Jonathan are working out. Branden is cooking bacon. Jordan is telling Mountaha that Salome was clueless during their shoot together. Then, she interviews that this competition is like high school. She's involved in the drama, she starts the drama, she enjoys the drama. Hmm, I recall her talking about how she was so above it all before. I think she's a pretty girl, but she really grates on my nerves. It's getting a little personal for me at this point, isn't it? Maybe I'll cry too! Salome comes up and asks them what they're talking about. Jordan changes the subject and says that, if a model opens their book and there is no photo inside, they're likely to go home. Ding-dong, Nicole is here. She only has one book.
Nicole sits and says that it's really hot in there. Branden tell her that it's only because she's there. "Wow. He's smooth. He's got game." I love that he's sitting to her and she talks about him like he's not there. Like she's watching him on TV. But, Branden really does look pretty smooth. When I was 18, I would have vomited if I'd had to chat with a supermodel. Then, I would have privately cut myself. And, that's just the beginning. The models said they had fun at the shoot, but Salome says it was different than they thought it would be. Mostly, because they're competing for the number of shots and they were in make-up while most shots were being taken. Nicole says that they sound like children -- you can take one photo and that can be the one that is chosen.
She opens the book on the table. Wow! There's one with the girls and their boobs, one with all of them, one with Salome alone, one with Branden (!) alone -- he's thrilled, one with Sandhurst alone, and one with the girls again. No Jonathan! All of that posing, like dust into the ether. You'll never get those poses back, Jonathan. That means that Salome is the winner! Branden says that he thought Jonathan would be in every single image. Jonathan's all mopey and gets a hug from Salome. Why care? He doesn't care about you. He told us earlier. Nicole tells Jonathan that he just has to step it up on the catwalk.
Cory calls and wants to speak to Salome! He tells her that she's kicking butt in the photo shoot and she attributes it to "Girl Power." Her go-see has been downgraded to a "meeting." She's meeting Stacey Bendet, the founder of Alice + Olivia. I think their stuff is pretty beautiful. Cory says that, if she's impressive, maybe she'll be used. She hopes so, because she's tired of going on go-sees and not getting the job. He tells her to not let it get her down and she agrees. She chooses Mountaha to go with her. Mountaha interviews that she wants to prove that she can be a chameleon and not just be edgy.
Afterwards, Nicole reminds them that the judges keep telling them to take everything "to the level." That phrase. Hate it. So, Nicole tells them that they're going to have makeovers. She leaves, but Cory arrives. He's measuring them. Salome's butt hasn't shrunk and she bursts into tears. Bless her heart. She's working really hard and she doesn't understand why her butt isn't going anywhere. Where's that damn trainer? Cory tells her to calm down. If she makes the changes, she'll shrink. Mountaha's waist has shrunk by three quarters of an inch. Sandhurst and Jonathan are still perfect. He'd apparently asked Branden to start doing some sit-ups and it looks like he has.
Salome and Mountaha head to the meeting/go-see and Mountaha mentions that Jonathan was really bummed out about the shoot results. Cut to -- Jonathan smoking (I THOUGHT that was good for your body! Thanks for the confirm!) outside the condos with Branden telling him how awesome he is. Jonathan says that he's letting his wife and child down and Branden says, "You're letting them up." THAT'S AMAZING. Then, he tells Jonathan that he's a role model for his fatherless self. It's really sincere and Jonathan tells him that he's a very sweet guy. With that, Branden says they should just enjoy their new haircuts and rock the catwalk.
Salome and Mountaha meet Stacey Bendet. She tells them that they have a "couple of things coming up" where they might be used. Stacey says that they usually use girls with long hair, but for the runway, they might use girls with more "boyish" looks. Salome and Mountaha sort of grin at each other, because I don't think they fancy themselves boyish. Stacey says that she really liked Salome. She's bigger than most of the girls they use for editorial, but she looked great in the clothes and has "an angelic face." They think that Mountaha is in this area between sweet and edgy, an area that they don't like. Stacey tells Mountaha that they love her body, but she's not really the look. She says that they really liked Salome and "would consider" her for their campaign. Which makes Salome interview "finally." Is that getting the job?
At Cutler, the models arrive for their makeovers. Jonathan, who appears to be in the bell jar, asks that his hair be dyed. He's clearly panicking. Rodney Cutler doesn't seem totally keen on the idea. They decide to dye Mountaha's hair completely blonde, in an effort to make her "more expensive." Sandhurst and Branden get the same as before. Jordan and Salome are both getting extensions and Jordan kind of freaks out. She keeps insisting that she has thick hair and doesn't need them. Rodney tells her that it's just part of a model's life. He interviews that Jordan oozes "model" and he's disappointed that she was so naïve about the hair thing. Jonathan gets his hair dyed brown! It's shocking. Everyone is looking at him like he's made a huge mistake. The ghost of CJ has come back to haunt him.
The morning, Salome says that she never thought she would have weave, as she thought that only black people had that. She's going to so regret that statement. I hear a rumble, the rumble of the TWoP forums. Sandhurst feels that Jonathan has lost his glow, which will be good for him.
At the catwalk, Tyson and Nicole greet them. Jonathan interviews that he could see Tyson looking over at him with shock. The catwalk challenge is going to be urban and wild. They're going to have to wear sneakers with wheelies in them. Shit. Salome is going to fall on her ass. Thank God it hasn't shrunk. She's going to need it. This tiny little dude rolls out in the sneakers. His name is Joe Edison and he's a rep for Heely's. He's going to teach them to roll in the shoes. The models seem really shocked. Do supermodels really have to do stuff like this? Nicole says that Cynthia Rowley and Agnes B have put their models on bicycles, while Jean Paul Gautier and Menichetti put their models on skateboards. Still not rolling shoes. Tyson says that some of the models probably aren't going to get the whole rolling shoe thing, so they will have the option of using regular shoes on the catwalk, in which case they will need to walk the best walk of their lives. Branden says that he has a lot of experience with skateboards and things with wheels, so he feels confident.
Salome and Jordan are the first to be tutored by Joe and they're wearing safety helmets. I was totally wrong too. Salome nails it and Jordan has a problem. Jonathan and Mountaha both do well. Sandhurst and Branden come out and -- Branden bites it. He seems to have the worst problem, but it may be that he is less cautious, because he comes back into the dressing room and seems to have the hang of it. Jordan says that she's embarrassed that Salome did better than her and Sandhurst tells her that she's taking things too far.
The catwalk starts and everyone looks like an extra on the Gossip Girl spin-off. Salome is first and seems to be a little stiffer on wheels than she was practicing. Branden is and nails it. The judges are all smiles. Jordan SUCKS on the Heely's. Nicole kind of smacks her lips. Sandhurst can't really roll, but he does some fancy footwork to impress the judges and Jenny laughs. He has immunity, what does he care? Mountaha only rolls as she's walking off the catwalk. Jonathan works those damn shoes. He rolls almost the entire way down the catwalk. Then, rolls backwards some before turning around to leave. He's really working for it.
Afterwards, Tyson introducers the judges. Marlon asks if anyone was intimidated at the photo shoot. Branden says that he was. Jenny relays a story of a shoot where she was working with Naomi Campbell, Christy Turlington, and Linda Evangelista. She witnessed Linda looking into a mirror saying, "I am Linda Evangelista." So, she did the same thing, with Linda Evangelista's name even. It was time for her to get immediately confident. They think that Branden got lucky on the runway. They think the old Branden is back. Perou says he should keep the old Branden. Catherine thought that Sandhurst was great, both on the runway and in the photos. Marlon says that he felt Mountaha was the photo winner this week. Perou notes that she took his advice from last week about not shooting in profile. It was a massive improvement and he loved her. Jonathan says that he thought he did well at the shoot, we're just not seeing any of it. Perou says that's a cop-out. Marlon thinks that he's over-modeling now. Hmm, I thought he was pretty good on the catwalk. Marlon clarifies -- he liked what he did with the shoes, but his face was too serious for what he was wearing. Jenny says that, at a shoot, even if you think you've given the right shot, give a different look. Marlon says that he has a problem with Salome's body. Wow. Just like that, he said it. She says that she knows it's a problem, but she feels like if she tried to remedy it "the wrong way" right now, she'd only hurt herself. So, she's just doing the best she can right now. Perou says that her face was the same in every photo and he's disappointed. She thanks him and he says, "'Thank you for being nasty to me.' Anytime, come back week." I think that's the wish, actually. Catherine thought that Salome looked good on the runway. Jordan admits to being insecure on the catwalk with the shoes and Marlon tells her that she made the wrong choice to wear them. Catherine didn't think she was graceful. Jenny liked her photos. Tyson says that none of the guys of broken out. Nicole doesn't think that Jordan has a problem with emotions and is introverted.
The judges confer. Marlon thinks Sandhurst is playing safe. Perou thinks he's gone beyond his safety zone and Catherine agrees. She thinks he showed his masculine side, which will probably be uncomfortable for him to hear. Jenny says that Salome relies on the same face in photos. Catherine says that she loved her on the runway -- her face was full of energy. Marlon agrees that she's a very good, very pretty model. Perou, with his seemingly mechanized phalanges (I've never seen so many rings on a man), says that Mountaha followed his advice and was great in her photos. Catherine says that she's not the prettiest girl, but you remember her face. She though she did well on both the runway and in the photo challenge. Perou is bored with Jordan. Marlon agrees and says that she's disappearing. Catherine says that she has a demure look that makes her special. They all seemed to like Branden, but Perou was bored with his picture. I'm not really sure what this guy is looking for, but maybe Branden's picture was a little boring. I don't know. I just don't want him to cry again. Or, maybe I do. Jonathan gets extra points for going backwards on the shoes. Jenny reiterates that he should have given more looks during the shoot. Perou says he's not finding the balance between in-your-face and gentleman. They've made their decision.
Branden is safe. Mountaha is the winner! Crazy. I thought she'd be out this week. This means she's going to be in the final four. Sandhurst is safe. This is scary. Tyson tells Salome that the judges don't like her one-face thing, even though she keeps winning the stupid challenges. Jonathan needs to find balance. Jordan is fading into the background. Jordan... is going home! I can't believe this! Tyson says that she has a big future and needs to "go into the world." Thanks, Deepak Beckford. Salome and Mountaha BARELY conceal their joy when they see each other backstage. But, they manage to work up tears when Jordan comes backstage. She interviews that she's angry, because the shoes got her. Otherwise, she thinks Salome or Branden would have gone home. She's mad because she has one of the best walks there. She wishes them good luck as she leaves. So, I'm kind of glad to have Jordan out of the mix, because she was so negative. But, I'm surprised that Mountaha has outlasted her. I'm really scared for Salome and that ass of hers.
Jeff Long's ideal fashion line is Alex P. Keaton meets Sheila E meets the Gummi Bears. He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com.