Previously: The models were challenged. And, they had to take photographs like they were part of the British mod era. Salome won the photo challenge and immunity, and Laury got real pissed off about it. Mostly because she'd just been told that Tyson & Co. are NOT going to be able to make her a supermodel. Lame way to go out, Laury. Of course, it was also double elimination week, which meant Kerryn went home, too. Instead of Amanda. Boo.
Celebrity hairstylist Harry Josh is filling in for Perou this week. OK people, I know my fair share of people who do things really well that are kind of celebrities, but Harry Josh is the MOST ridiculous name that I've ever heard. I don't care if he's endorsed by Michelle Obama, that's a stupid fucking name. Sorry, Harry, as if that's your birth name. Fine, e-mail me because you're his cousin -- it's still a stupid name. Also, Maggie Rizer is replacing Catherine Malandrino again. She's a really busy lady, this Madame Malandrino. Perhaps too busy to have committed to being on this show in the first place? Time will tell. Oh, wait, it did.
I didn't notice in the beginning that Jonathan had short hair in the credits even though it was long when we met him. That says something about me that is foundation-shaking and career-threatening. It's morning time at the condos across the street from my gym, and Jonathan's absurdly ripped torso is shutting off his alarm clock. He interviews, "And then there were eight," and I don't see why he had to have a shirt on for that interview. There's Branden poking around for some "real bacon" in the kitchen. Does anyone have the feeling that they're trying to set up that Branden is somehow out of shape? They showed him stuffing his face once when Jonathan was working out, they showed him sticking his belly out at some fitting -- this dude is not a slob. I love this industry. Hot, sickly hot Branden is going to feel body-conscious. Horrible for me to be happy about that, I know. Sandhurst is sad that Laury left, but he knows that the competition is getting stiff. He adds that Amanda has had several passes. Hopefully, that's a set-up for Amanda getting kicked off, which is likely from the promos of her molesting a horse. We've all seen it several thousand times now, yes?
Amanda tells Colin that it's turning into a "real competition." Damn, she loves to talk about the competition. Just be a good model. Stop fucking everything with your eyes. She's like the Anoop Desai of models. Colin tells us this story about how all of the other models are still better than him, but his learning trajectory is really steep. Fancy example, but we'll see. He tells Amanda that he's NOT going home this week.
Sandhurst reads on the computer the clue about the photo challenge. It's something about working with models that can't understand what you are saying. He wonders if it might be foreign models. Or, uh, animals, since we've already seen Amanda on the back of that horse 7,000 times. Seriously, Bravo, love yourself. Respect that we watch you a lot. Oh, Jesus -- Branden thinks they're going to be working with deaf people. That's amazing.
They go to a ranch, where Mountaha says everything smells like shit and she ruined a pair of shoes. Tyson and Nicole are there to meet them, and Nicole tells them, like they're assholes, that they are at Schunnemunk Shadow Stables -- I'm not kidding. Tyson looks hot in his orange vest. Let's give it up for Tyson. He's probably been hit on by more people than Nancy Kerrigan. ... What the fuck kind of joke was that? Who am I, Joy Behar?
Tyson says that the models need to be able to work with anyone. They'll be working with an assistant to David LaChapelle (SERIOUSLY crazy, don't get me started), Aliya Naumoff. Her stuff has apparently also been in Rolling Stone. She comes out and tells the models (very flatly) that cowgirls and cowboys are a part of Americana. True. They are used to sell everything. Their challenge will be to embrace that image and create a persona that will appeal to the public, by working with animals.
Tyson tells the models that the key to this challenge will be patience. Salome tells us that she's been working with animals her whole life. We see pictures of her with a tractor and a horse. OK, provided Salome does whatever bodywork she needs to do, she's a totally hot piece, right? I could so see her being a huge model. Anyway, she's psyched for this challenge. Then, someone rides a horse out and picks up Aliya to take her 15 yards away to the place where they will be shooting. Lame. Work on that, producer people, but SERIOUSLY. What is even the point?
The models start trying on clothes and, apart from a Salome bra shot and Jonathan's torso, there's not nearly enough flesh. What do you think I'm here for, people? Amanda's in her midriff-revealing outfit, and Colin says that she looks like she's been "around the house and back again." I haven't actually heard that one before. Amanda interviews that she's completely at home -- this is just like Oregon. We see her audition interview, where she was standing beneath some sort of tractor contraption that had "Hillbilly Hellraiser" spray-painted on it. This is one classy girl. She feels like she has an advantage on "city life people" like Mountaha and Jordan. Tellingly, Jordan says to Jonathan that it would be funny if the people (read: Amanda) who were saying that this shoot was perfect for them did the worst on the challenge. Then, she interviews that she would rather wrestle a pig than work with Amanda again. Damn, she really hates Amanda.
So, Sandhurst, who is a dancer, has a problem fitting into jeans. He actually chants to himself, "Thunder, thunder, thunder thighs." Heh? They finally find some clothes that can fit on his enormous legs, and he shoots with a 2-day old calf named Molly. Now, I've always thought Sandhurst was fairly smart and maybe it's me that's not getting this, but it sounded like he told us that he convinced this young calf to pose for the cameras, which I just don't think can be true. Aliya seems to have liked him, though, and she's kind of special, so who knows?
Branden comes up , carried by a smallish tractor. He works with a baby bull. He's totally frightened that it's going to kill him and, wouldn't you know it, it steps on his foot. Which hurts him. Aliya thinks that he needs to work on eye contact with the camera, which might be easier when you're not working with a baby version of a matador-impaling beast. Meanwhile, we see him being photographed a whole bunch of times staring right at the camara, so... Branden takes off his sock later and he's not bruised, but he says that it hurts like a biatch.
Mountaha is working with a baby calf, which is frightened. She says that, no matter how many times she tries to get this baby cow to look at the camera, it's like, "fuck you." I can read lips, Mountaha. Aliya is not super-happy with the shoot, but it doesn't seem like it's Mountaha's fault for not being a calf whisperer. Mountaha tells the other models about the ordeal and Jordan looks at her like she wants her to implode.
Salome is up and ROCKS that baby bull. Sue me, I love me some Salome. She may seem coy and contrived to some, but I'm buying it. Aliya loves her work, because the bull actually seems calm with her. She says that she could have shot her for longer, but she didn't need to.
In the dressing tent, Salome asks Colin if he's very proud of himself for getting this far in the competition. She mentions that it's crazy that Kerryn would go home before him. He interviews that he and Kerryn had gotten close and the idea that he was the reason she went home is hard for him. AND, he sort of sold her out on the catwalk by saying that they had no chemistry in their photo shoot. AND, he is smiling when he says that he's the reason she got the boot. Colin, don't be that. He says that he's still not sure that he can be a supermodel. He works with the bull and it's not pretty. Aliya tells him to be more masculine, less fashion-y. Ouch. The show defends him by playing a voice-over interview where he says that a few months ago, he was training to be a doctor, and now he's trying to mimic male models. GET A SECOND OPINION. If this season teaches us anything, that's it. Aliya thought that Colin looked like he was trying to take a shit. She found the experience painful.
Jonathan is wearing chaps. Yes. He's trying to emulate John Wayne, which probably will work for him, though he is Liberace to John Wayne. He tells us that there are cowboys in the UK. I don't really believe that. He works with two horses. He's hot as shot. Aliya found him a natural cowboy.
Jordan is and she's on the horse. She's unsure about what to do and Aliya found her nervous. Jordan says later that this was not one of her best shoots. Amanda is on the horse as well and she interviews that this IS HER SCENE. She totally sexed up the horse. Seriously. It's fucking Equus up in this joint. Aliya thought that she was cheesy and stuck her butt up in the air. "It's like she's making love to the horse." She kept asking for strength, kept getting sex.
The day, Sandhurst eats a giant bowl of cereal. Branden tells us that this is a life-changing experience. He says that, provided he becomes a supermodel, he would have his mom move in with him, so she could do his laundry and feed him. I love him.
Here's Nicole with the pictures. Branden hates his. Colin doesn't think he looks very strong. Salome likes hers, and Nicole agrees that it's beautiful and natural, not that she'd know anything about working on a ranch. Mountaha's calf stole the scene in her picture, though no one seemed to hate her performance. Sandhurst loved his, though he looked a little bit like a model holding a calf to me. He interviews that he was really into the picture. He thinks he might win. Maybe I have bad taste. Jonathan likes his photo. Jordan likes hers, too. Amanda doesn't say anything about hers, but shows it to Nicole, who compares it to Black Beauty. Colin interviews that he's not sure if Amanda was posing on a horse or a Corvette. Touché. And also, yes. With much finger-wagging at the editing, Amanda tries to explain her love of horses and all we hear is the word "like." Jordan condemns her for how many times she says it, though she admits to saying it a lot herself.
The phone rings and it's Cory! Jonathan interviews that nothing says "cowboy" like a pair of chaps. Chaps also say other things. Especially in Chelsea. Anyhoo, he wants to speak to... Wait, we see Sandhurst say that he thinks this is a competition between him and Jonathan. No Salome? OK. Well, he's right. Cory wants to speak to Sandhurst. His go-see is at Buffalo Jeans, which should be fun for his thighs. He chooses Branden to go with him. He says that Jonathan is his "boy," but he wants to go with someone his height, so they don't have a choice of another body type.
Later, Colin tells Amanda that her photo looked like she and her horse were having "a moment." I don't mean to be this guy, but Colin is gay, right? That sealed it for me, folks. Jordan tells Mountaha that she's heard of people loving their horses, but they were supposed to look rugged (which, FYI, Jordan was NOT). Mountaha whispers that the judges are going to hate her photo. I never thought I'd say this, but I really wish Perou was here to judge that photo.
Colin serenades Sandhurst and Branden on guitar as they leave for their go-see, which only makes him more gay. After they're gone, everybody but Jordan goes to work out. She tells us that she hates to exercise and just doesn't do it. Jonathan says that they found out who is not a "gym freak" and we see Jordan eating an ice cream sandwich. Whatever. Like she's going to be fat at her measuring. That would be amazing, but I just don't think it will happen. Meanwhile, Colin looks like he's going to die while he's working out. No lie, I think I worked out to David Letterman's announcer yesterday.
At the go-see, they love Branden. He fits into their sample size and someone says that they usually go for smaller models. Then, we see Sandhurst trying to squeeze the jeans over his ENORMOUS thighs. Does Bravo want us to kill ourselves? Sandhurst interviews that he thinks that this might be the first time the "ballet thing" works against him. They walk and a lady says that Sandhurst has more of a traditional American athletic thing going on, while Branden is more their type. They don't choose either. They're looking for "more edge, more rocker." Branden declares the experience "a bummer."
The models are all sitting around when the doorbell rings. It's Stacy Griffith, a personal trainer who vows to kick their butts! This is what I've been waiting for! It's like a super-advanced version of The Biggest Loser! Off-topic, but if you guys don't read those recaps, DO IT. Potes is like the Dorothy Parker/Erma Bombeck of recaps. It's ridonk. Mountaha thinks the show people are douchebags, because she went to the gym today and is sore and now there's a trainer. Too bad, fatty fat fat. Now, you gotta get ill. Salome is thrilled to get some help with her "jiggle wiggle."
They all change clothes and meet Stacy in the gym. Jordan's the first to tire out, which she finds funny. Stacy's going to kill her. Stacy sings "I want it all!" to them, which is pretty hilarious. She has Jonathan and Sandhurst compete in decline pushups, and it looks like Jonathan wins by a mile. Jordan and Mountaha have to stretch each other and Jordan complains that it burns and that Mountaha pulled her shoulder out of the socket. No complaining from Salome.
Stacy takes them into the kitchen and tells them not to eat anything that's not it's natural color, like cheese. She also recommends skim milk. When she hears complaints, she says, "I know y'all are hungry," but this is their time to shine from within. WHAT THE FUCK. Where am I? Have your barbed wire tattoo removed, Stacy, before giving advice like that. The world is so crazy. She also tells them that they can't eat bacon, and Branden's face falls. We see a slo-mo montage of Branden and his many moment loving him some bacon. She also tells Sandhurst that he and his thighs eat too much cereal. She's going to have her license revoked.
Later, Sandhurst eats a bunch of ice cream, which Jonathan points out as... wrong. Sandhurst says that it's healthier than candy, because it has milk in it. Then, Jonathan gets really worked up about a bad smell. Chances are, it's Colin's junk in his nylon shorts. Just the way the world works, kids. Apparently not in the UK. Yes, Colin stinks and no one wants to be his friend.
The day, Nicole and Tyson greet the models on the catwalk. Nicole is wearing some whack gold lamé dress with a matching headband. You heard it here first. Tyson is wearing a T-shirt. Nicole tells them that they're going to be working the tweed classics that Ralph Lauren and D&G(?) have been putting on the runway. Now, D&G has some boots that could be considered kinda pastoral but, by and large, I would say they're way more Fire Island than Martha's Vineyard. The challenge is to walk with elegance. Seriously, D&G is not this to me. It's like walking without noticing you're spiraling into a K-hole.
Branden thinks that Jonathan has a lead in this catwalk. Jordan feels like she needs to step it up. Amanda is worried as well. Branden is worried about looking too cocky. Colin asks Sandhurst about his walk, and he tells him that he always leads with his breasts. That's all he'll give him. Colin needs to gain some self-awareness, yes? It's one thing to have questions, it's another thing to not be able to look at yourself and look at other people and not know the difference.
Amanda is the first on the catwalk. She struts hardcore, which is not super-elegant. She's freaked about Maggie being back, because she slammed her for crying on the catwalk before. She's very sure that she's going home. Colin is and he exhales before walking onto the catwalk. Hmm. Time will tell, but I think he looks pretty good, if a bit like Ducky from Pretty In Pink. Mountaha is and I'm afraid she may be a little too edgy, though she looks good. She says that she was thinking of Lady Di. Heh. Jenny says that she was perfect though, so I'm an asshole. Branden is , and, Sweet Jesus, that boy is so hot. If this were the place for that, I would seriously expand on my feelings about said hotness. Maggie is still up in his junk, which we have in common. Salome is up and rawks it. She looks like a freaking young deb equestrian. She interviews that it's all about how your portray yourself. This girl is so good. Jonathan is and, frankly, looks more like a stable boy than a gentleman. Hot but dirty. It might be the outfit, which consists of leather pants, but I'm just saying. He thinks he has an advantage, being British. [Because all Brits are more elegant than all Americans. Example: The Spice Girls. - Zach] Jordan is and wearing a poncho of sorts. She thinks that it is to her advantage to do "nothing" as she walks down the runway. Hmm. Is she in trouble? Sandhurst is , in a too-small jacket, but he's going to work it anyway. He looks good, too.
Afterwards, Tyson and Nicole tell them that they were all "ravishing." So, Harry Josh was apparently the casting director for the Marc Jacobs shows in New York. Hmm. Still a stupid name. Tyson calls Mountaha, Branden, Colin, Sandhurst, Amanda and Jonathan. The others are safe. Hmm, I didn't think Jordan would be safe. These are the best and the worst. Marlon loved Sandhurst's picture. Harry points out that he's too big, too tall, and his walk is too soft. This dude is hardcore. Jenny liked his runway though. Marlon loved Jonathan. Maggie thinks he should fax his horse pic to his wife as soon as possible. She's a bit prickly, but cool and a little funny, yes? Harry says that he sees Jonathan making a lot of money -- his face is perfect. However, he says that it looked like he learned to walk like Tyson, without Tyson's body. He doesn't need to do the big-swingin'-dick/my-arms-don't-rest-at-my-side thing. Marlon still thinks that Amanda is overdoing it on the runway. Jenny thought that she was overcompensating because her outfit was more staid. Maggie says that, if she had auditioned for Ralph LaurEN (which she pronounced incorrectly, it's like pronounced like Lauren Bush), he wouldn't ask her to come back. They also thought she was slutty on the horse in her picture. Mountaha is , and they could tell she was tense with her calf in the photo. Maggie tells her that, when working with an unruly beast, you have to think about every inch of your body and what it is doing. Harry loved her walk. He thought she had a memorable face and he would ask about her after a show. Harry also thought that Branden was too "bouncy," like J.J. Walker, in his walk. Wow, I didn't see that. I only saw roses and chicken wings. Marlon doesn't like his photo. They think he looks confused and irritated. Marlon wonders if they "knocked the sails out of [him]" or, perhaps, the wind out of his sails, when they criticized him a few weeks ago. He replies that he has just been trying to not be cocky. Marlon fucks his mind by telling him that supermodels are cocky, but "it's a balance." Harry thinks that Colin looks like he's "acting" like a model. He's pretty good, this guy. Harsh, but good. They also don't like his picture. Jenny thinks that the bull looks better than him. Marlon thinks that he's regressed, which Colin says is distressing to hear.
Tyson says that he has saved Colin a lot of times and he's not sure that he's getting it. He apologizes to Colin for speaking the truth. Nicole says that she has nothing to say about any of the women. But, THEN, she begs them not to send Colin home because "he's so charming." When he's not smelling up the joint with his cooch, I'm guessing.
The judges confer. The recite Colin's faults with overacting. Maggie laments that someone as good-looking as him wouldn't be able to "get it." Marlon says that he's thinking too much and Maggie jokes that models are not supposed to think. Now, Jenny wants to talk about Amanda. She and Maggie agree that her need to be sexy all of the time is weird. Jenny thinks it comes out of insecurity. Send her home. Harry likes Branden's pic (which is weird, because didn't they all bash it earlier?) but has a problem with his walk. Harry loves Mountaha. He will remember her. He also loves Jonathan's photo. Jenny loves his walk, from the bottom down. She finds his shoulders stiff, and in meanswear, you apparently have to be relaxed. Harry can deal with the walk if he gets the face. Harry, who is turning out to be a real spark on this panel, says that Sandhurst was boring on the runway. He loved his photo, though, as does Maggie. They agree on who is going home and who is safe.
We're all back on the runway. Sandhurst is safe -- Jonathan has immunity! Mountaha seems pissed. She's safe. So is Branden. Oh God, not Colin. He looks so nervous. Tyson tells Colin that he has to believe that he's a supermodel. He tells Amanda that she's trying to sell sex, not clothes. Amanda is... safe. NO!!!!!! Oh my God, no!! Colin is out. This sucks. Tyson tells him to go home and get laid. Wow, he's really going to regret writing that on his application for this show.
How is Amanda still on this show? Colin interviews that this was a great experience for him. He regrets that he wasn't able to show the judges that he was "good." Ouch. I love you, Colin.
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Jeff Long is wearing tweed right now, bitches. He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com.