Previously: The models shot super-hot photos on a Navy ship. Amanda and Gabe flirted by sharing a cookie. Jonathan won the photo challenge, while Kerryn won her second week of immunity. CJ, Mountaha and Gabe are in the bottom at judging-- but it was time for CJ to go home.
Here's Tyson telling us about the many facets of Make Me A Supermodel-- those that make this show like a fancy, fancy diamond. Wait, no Malandrino? Again? Is she having major surgery? Having her on the show twice, then pretending that she's coming back when, in fact, she's just rolling around on a motel bed in the $25 she raked in from her appearance is a serious breach of reality show ethics. Heh. Perhaps she's brushing up on her English, but I'd like for her to return. Please. Brazilian designer Alexandre Herchcovitch is "sitting in" for her for this episode.
It is morning at the condos across the street from my gym. The models are wiping the fairy dust from their eyes. Kerryn interviews that she is very happy about having immunity and haters can recognize. Gabe and Amanda are having their special morning time. She tells him that it sucks that he has been in the bottom during judging "THREE TIMES." He says that he has 9 lives. The final tally, then, is 9 lives and 1 facial expression (if "blank stare" counts as an expression). Do something with your face, Gabe.
Jordan says to everyone that she's letting it soak in that CJ is gone. She asks Gabe how he would have felt if he had gone home before her. "Embarrassing," he replies, though of course he betrays no emotion on that limestone slab of a mug. He interviews that the models all treasured CJ and will miss her dearly -- he's only kidding. They didn't treasure her. You see, his deadpan is too successful. Life has given him no real incentive to be expressive.
Jonathan reads from the computer information about the new photo challenge. Luckily, a towel-clad Laury is nearby to provide the morning-at-the-computer nakedness that we've come to expect. Bravo knows what baby needs. The note says that this shoot will be dangerous, so take a deep breath. They all deduce that they will be underwater. Or, in outer space. Salome says that she doesn't know how to swim. She also doesn't know how to breathe underwater. You MUST have some fucking gills in order to be a supermodel. Can I speak to casting? This cannot happen again. Oh, God... casting. For this show? Dream job. Who cares about cogent thoughts when you get to pull hot 18-year-olds out of the Appalachians and shit?
The models arrive at the shoot -- it's at a home with a pool. It looks like it's cold outside, too. They're trying to kill the models. Tyson and Nicole are waiting for them. Nicole, wearing a fur, says that it's 45 degrees outside, so "why not a pool party?" Oh, you want to be supermodels? I'll make you a supermodel. It requires freezing your heart and replacing your blood with antifreeze. You'll live forever. Tyson explains that you never know what a photographer is going to ask for, so you have to be prepared to face your biggest fear. He introduces Howard Schatz, whose work has appeared in Vogue, GQ, and New York Times Magazine. He takes underwater shots that look really beautiful. And, judging on looks, he looks like a normal person. He tells them that they're going to be using multi-colored nets to created a fashion photo. Nicole articulates the photo challenge as having to perform under a difficult situation.
The shivering models change into skimpy swimsuits, then hurry into a heated pool. Schatz teaches them to push the air out of their lungs so that they can sink underwater. Salome is having issues. She's floating while everyone else is sitting on the bottom of the pool. Amanda interviews that it might be beneficial for her if Salome screws up. That's nasty. Salome interviews that she's scared and it's habit for her to try to get her head out of water as soon as it's submerged. The other models get dressed for the shoot while Schatz spends some more time with Salome. He lets her spend some time by herself, trying to get the hang of dunking her head under water.
The models are going to be wearing underwater make-up that will stay on for 85 minutes. Branden says to Colin that he's glad that they are going to be wearing clothes for the shoot instead of Speedos. Colin agrees and it's NOT because they don't have bathing suit bodies. Seriously, he said that. I think his body looks fine in a bathing suit. Imagine spending every day half naked beside Jonathan and Sandhurst, though. You'd start to have issues. Salome is still struggling in the pool.
Jonathan steps into the pool fully dressed while Salome is still practicing dunking her head. Schatz tells him to have fun for the shoot. Jonathan interviews that he pretended that he was being mauled. Still looks good. He tells the other models that they are going to have a blast. Sandhurst is and stops to coach Salome. He tells her that she should act as if she controls the water. She doesn't soak up all of the attention in the pool, though, and tells him to go take his photo. Schatz tells Sandhurst to convey determination and he interviews that this shoot was made for him. Schatz gives him some small adjustments and he takes the direction well. Schatz says that Sandhurst is a natural and creative.
Amanda interviews that you have to worry about your hair and dress when you're underwater and it's like, "Ahh!" Salome is finished practicing and makes her way to the dressing room. Colin asks her, "You can swim?" Like, she learned in 5 minutes? Seriously, pre-med here. She replies "no," like he's just asked her if she can spin her head around. Schatz asks him to act like the net is a cocoon. He interviews that he never learned the trick of hyperventilating. Apparently, someone didn't spend his pre-teen years sinking to the bottom of the pool in order to freak out his mom. We get along fine now, I was just mad about having to go to camp. Colin sinks to the bottom of the pool for his shot, which Schatz commends for its difficulty.
In the dressing room, Laury tells Salome to engage in positive thinking. Salome says that it's hard to think when you feel like you're drowning. Mennonites, what have you wrought? Will Salome be losing her chance to be a supermodel because of your harsh rules against swimming? Mountaha is and excels. Schatz finds her sexy and likes her photo. Branden is . Schatz tells him that, since he is good-looking, he doesn't need to do anything with his face. Branden interviews jokingly, "That's what I do best, bitch." Hmm. He's just kidding, but this Schatz guy is a really dad-like guy in his '60s. It feels weird that he said that, like his issues are showing. Branden thinks that he's going to win the challenge.
Jordan tries to give Salome hints on holding her breath, to no avail. Kerryn interviews that all girls want to float through their dreams. I have no idea about that, but I'll take her word. Does every girl want that? Is that a thing? She pulls it off.
Salome is . She holds onto the side of the pool and makes her way to the deep end. Schatz tells her to listen closely -- he's on her side. He tells her that, if she can't go underwater completely, they will be able to get the shot with her holding onto the side. No, she says, she's going to do the same thing that everyone else is doing. She does one more practice, then tries to grab the wall when she comes up for air. And misses. And the handlers don't even really grab her. And we go to commercial. How can I care about Maybelline when Salome could be dead? She's not dead. Schatz is like, "What's with you guys?" to the people that are supposed to help her and they pull her to safety. She doesn't complain and is a really good sport. She thanks him for putting up with her. She finally takes her photo and it's really good. Schatz thinks that she is very brave and the best actress of the bunch. Salome interviews that she's so glad to have overcome her fear, she doesn't even care what the photo looks like.
Gabe is . Schatz says the most brilliant thing -- he says that Gabe has a "naturally enigmatic" face, so he'll need to show more emotion. That's the nicest way ever of saying that someone is blank. Schatz interviews that you can't tell if Gabe is feeling anything. Gabe interviews that he is not worried. Laury is . She's a certified scuba diver, so she can hold her breath for a really long time. However, Schatz tells her that she's freezing her face underwater and it doesn't look good. Jordan is , he tells her to look like Wonder Woman. Caught in a net. She interviews that she has no strategy for this challenge. Schatz likes her, though, and thinks that she did a beautiful job.
The models return to the condos and get ready for bed, which includes Jonathan trimming his nose hairs. Laury practices her walk with Sandhurst's help. Amanda tells Gabe that she's worried about providing for her son. She has apparently had a lot of problems with her ex and feels that she needs to make this model thing happen. I don't share Jordan's level of hate for her, but Amanda's kind of an idiot. Everyone has problems and that's fine, but when she talks about hers, it's like seems like she just wants attention. She doesn't really care what anyone has to say. She tells Gabe that he's her "rock" and he says that she needs to be her own rock..
The day, Gabe and Jonathan have an early morning workout. Branden eats a ketchup-drenched breakfast while Salome looks on longingly. That was the best 4 seconds of editing on this show so far. Nicole comes in with their pictures and Branden interviews about how hot she is. Is that in her contract? That people have to say that? She passes the photos out. Gabe is the only one who doesn't love his. Colin shows mild appreciation for his, and Nicole tells him that the photo is "going to get [him] laid, babe." He remarks that it's unusual to hear a supermodel say that to you. Salome looks at her photo and says, "I survived." Nicole says that everyone is proud of her. Amanda is a total bitch about it and says, "Who cares? She got an okay, pretty picture out of it. What's the big deal?" I guess it's not whining about your kid all of the time.
Cory calls and wants to speak to... Jordan! Branden is pissed. Amanda interviews that she didn't think Jordan was a threat at first (though she won the first week of immunity?), but she guesses that she is. Laury says that Jordan has the "It Factor" and could win the competition. Her go-see is at People's Revolution. It's a PR company that specializes in fashion companies. [And hiring reality-show stars. - Z] She chooses Salome -- because of how difficult the shoot was for her. Salome interviews and says that Jordan is thinking competitively -- she's choosing the fattest girl to go with her. She laughs when she says the last part, which makes me like her a lot.
On the way to the go-see, Salome thanks her and says, "Should we make out now?" They comment on how upset Branden was at losing. Back at the condo, he says that he didn't think that Jordan took the best photo. Colin says that Schatz was judging the best performance in front of the cameras. Amanda reminds him that everyone (especially her!) thinks that they should win. Back in the car, Jordan says that everyone is starting to get big heads. "If I ever get a big head, you better tell me." Long pause. "Okay," Salome says, then sort of looks out the window. That was brilliant. Find that shit online, because writing it does not do it justice. You need to see it.
At the go-see, they meet Robyn, who tells them that they're preparing for their fashion editors preview. She likes Jordan, but not Salome. The swimsuit didn't fit her the way they would have liked. Salome says that her butt was too big and she had to wear a small instead of an extra-small. Perhaps, Salome could tone a little in the booty region, but she is just not big by any stretch of the imagination. So, the lady chooses Jordan, then proceeds to tell Salome that Jordan has more of a "fashion-y vibe." Unnecessary, yes? I know it's irrelevant, but Salome is so many many times better looking than this Robyn woman with the yellow teeth. Salome interviews that this will not be her emotional week on the show! The models congratulate Jordan when they get back. Salome interviews that she wants to go work out and we see her running on the treadmill, which she pleads "has to work."
That night, they have dinner together. It looks like pasta, which had BETTER be whole wheat, for Christ's sake. Then, they play beer pong. These guys are all lightweights because they weigh 80 pounds, so Amanda and Gabe get trashed off like 3 beers. At one point, Laury poses with her foot up on the table where they are playing to distract Jonathan. She says that Cory told them they should practice whenever they can. Then, he essentially bounces a ball off of her cootch and it goes into a cup. Gabe hits Amanda in the head with the beer pong ball as a joke. Jonathan says that the whole world just heard how hollow Amanda's head is, which is pretty funny. Pretty funny coming from a model. She gets mad at Gabe and walks away. They're still joking, but as more drinks go down, so does the mood. Eventually, she calls Gabe an "ass" but later apologizes. Jordan mocks them in an interview and says it's like high school.
The day, Tyson and Nicole greet the models at the catwalk. Nicole says that the ladies will walk in scarlet ruffles (which Tyson tells us is his favorite color; this will make shopping so much easier) and the guys will be in pale suits with clean lines. The guys are challenged to look cool and confident, while the girls needs to project sexy and powerful. Alexander McQueen and Dolce & Gabbana will be the inspiration for the women's clothing.
They introduce David Ralph, who teaches models to walk at New York Model Management. Laury says that Colin and Salome need the most help from David. Really? Salome? No one has said anything bad about her walk up to this point, except that she's a fat cow. She walks for David, and he tells her to take the bounce out of her hips. He asks Branden if he was the stud in high school, and Branden laugh-grunts and says yes. David can tell, because... there's nothing happening on Branden's face. Nothing except, "Uh, come look at me, duh." That's amazing. Poor Branden looks shocked. He tells Branden to stand up straighter and keep his shoulders from rounding too much. David tells Gabe that "the lights are not on." He advises him to smile with his eyes. Or, like Jennifer Aniston. He tells Mountaha that she looks like she knows what she's doing. He tells Colin to act like a string is pulling him on his belt buckle. David asks Jonathan to relax, because it looks like he's holding melons under his arms.
The show begins. Kerryn is fine. Colin really has improved. Amanda is fine. Branden interviews that he is really comfortable. He grins at the end of the runway and the judges look as if he peed in their coffee. Salome is worried because she's wearing the most revealing dress, yet is not in "model shape." Sandhurst says that he is ready to win. He unbuttons his jacket as he's walking. Jordan says she didn't realize her skirt was so tight until she was on the runway. She struggles. Laury looks really good on the runway. She wants to make it to the top 10 in this competition, which I can't imagine meaning anything particularly different from being in the top 11. Here's Gabe. The judges all hold hands in joking anticipation and Perou says, "Come on, Gabriel." He blandly interviews that he's really going to try to bring out the smile and sparkle in his eyes. Mountaha rocks the runway.
Afterwards, Tyson introduces the "esteemed" judges, including Alexandre Herchcovitch. He and Mountaha greet each other in Portuguese. Tyson calls Salome, Mountaha, Laury, Sandhurst, Jordan, Branden and Gabe. The rest are safe. Marlon tells Sandhurst that his photo this week was his best. Jenny commends him for unbuttoning his jacket on the catwalk without fumbling, but Perou says that he did fumble. Sandhurst replies that he was uncertain for a moment, but since Jenny didn't notice... Perou is all, "Well, I no'iced." Shut up, Butt Munch. Marlon asks Salome about her photo, and she says that she feels like she overcame her greatest fear. Perou tells her that she's sexy and curvy, which is "girlfriend attractive, not fashion model attractive." Well, Perou, you're neither. You look like a neo-fascist Willy Wonka. Dick. Salome just smiles and nods. He adds that her sexy slink distracts from the clothes, which is not a horrible point. Alexandre says that it looked like Jordan realized her skirt was too tight while she was on the runway. Perou asks of Branden, "What on Earth is going on with you?" He smiles like he's getting praise and looks completely shocked when they tell him he's becoming an egomaniac. Perou, with his many rings and sunglasses inside, tells Branden that he shouldn't be overconfident. Branden says that he misunderstood the challenge and will not be making the catwalk "The Branden Show." Shit, I'd tune in. Jenny tells Gabe that they're always wondering if he'll move his face and this time he did. However, he looked like he was in so much pain from the effort that his eye started twitching. She did like his photo though. Marlon doesn't like Laury's face in her photo. Alexandre tells her to relax. Jenny says that she got the same criticism as a model, so she would think "soft bunnies" to relax her face. Interesting. Marlon tells Mountaha that she looks adorable and he's very proud of her. Alexandre tells her that her photo was very interesting.
Tyson says that he was really disappointed by Branden. He's not sure that he's ever going to "get it." Huh? Branden? He effed up one freaking runway. He's just saying that. Nicole says that, of all of the girls, she would send Jordan out on a job the day. She asks Laury for a bit more presence and sparkle. The judges confer. They hate Gabe. Perou says that his photo is "doo doo," but Marlon says that "in some ways" it's very good. Alexandre concedes that he does like Gabe's look. Perou calls his look "the fish pout." God, he really has something against this guy. Alexandre doesn't see anything special about Laury. Jenny says that she takes their direction well. They all giggle that Branden was so surprised at criticism. Perou says that he does hate an egomaniac, but corrects himself-- "an egomaniac male model"-- so that we don't think that he's saying that he hates himself. Alexandre hated Branden's catwalk. They have a problem with Jordan's walk. Perou loves Salome's photo, but Alexandre thought that her head didn't fit her body on the catwalk. Marlon recommends putting two outfits on her. They all like Sandhurst and Jenny mentions that he is always in the top. Alexandre says that it's a good thing to be consistent. Perou thought that Mountaha's walk was the best. They also love her photo. They've come to a decision.
So, the poll of the week is, who would you rather skinny-dip with, Tyson or Nicole or Both. 14% want Nicole, 50% want Tyson, and 36% want both. Now, I'm assuming that when someone says who they'd rather skinny-dip with, they're also thinking of who'd they rather experience the effects of skinny-dipping with. This says a lot about the Bravo audience, though nothing we didn't already know.
Back at the catwalk, Jordan is safe. Mountaha and Sandhurst are the top. This week, immunity goes to... Sandhurst! Salome is congratulated for pushing herself physically and emotionally. She is safe. Laury is safe -- everyone congratulates her backstage. It's down to Branden and Gabe. Tyson tells Branden that he's young and hot -- but he hit them over the head with it. Gabe has improved, but the judges wonder if he'll grow more. He tells Branden not to let his ego get in his way. Amanda starts crying when Branden walks backstage. Tyson doesn't have any special words for Gabe. He just hands him his book. He interviews that he doesn't feel like his true colors were shown, but adds that he wasn't good enough. He and Amanda embrace backstage as she fake cries. No tears, people. There were no tears.
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Jeff Long swims. He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com.