Previously: The designers competed for chances to walk in Montreal's Fashion Week. Amanda and Branden won and took Mountaha and Colin with them. They all walked! Gabe has the hots for Amanda while Jordan hates her. The catwalk challenge was to walk as a beautiful freak, which proved surprisingly rigorous. CJ had a predictably bad attitude about it, but Shawn was the unlucky model to be eliminated.
Is anyone really buying that there is any heat at all between Gabe and Amanda? Granted, Gabe couldn't generate heat with a waffle iron, but I'm not really seeing anything with these two. Consider Project Confirm Model Attraction in progress. It's very early morning at the condos across the street from my gym, as the models are sleeping like angels. There's Branden dreaming about boobie wa-wa's. Suddenly, Tyson is there, decked out in full L.A. gay army regalia and banging a pot with a spoon. Salome looks like she's having a flashback to the monthly Mennonite mad-cow drills. She hated those. This is mean. He's really loud. Here's hoping the camera crew rustled these guys out of their deepest REM state before he started banging. Otherwise, this sort of shock could take several model years off a person. Weirdest product placement ever? Tyson ripping back the sheets on someone's bed to reveal a close-up of the tag on a Laura Ashley Home mattress by Abberley. Really? Kudos to the ad sales guy who even though of pitching this show to a mattress company. Tyson calls them all "maggots" and tells them that they have 3 minutes to get downstairs. This seems counterintuitive to the show. It's like breaking the hands of the designers on Project Runway before a challenge. "Yeah, let's make them look tired and shell-shocked before a photo challenge. That'll really bring out the best in them."
Outside, the models have to pile into the back of an army truck. Producers, you're reaching. Salome wonders if they're going to "hoe sweet potatoes," which is about the awesomest thing that she has ever said. The forums are a little mixed on Salome, but I think she's kind of adorable. I guess she can come off a little self-centered and insincere to some, but I'm buying it. She just talked to a bunch of models about sweet potato farming. After a bumpy ride, they arrive at a docked battleship. Okay, fine. It's military. Branden says that the ship has the biggest guns that he has seen in his life. I wanna make some joke about guns and whatever, but the guns on battleships are indeed very large.
Tyson and Nicole welcome them to the ship. Tyson says that the challenge will be about "breaking rules." That's totally what I think of when I think of the military, right? They love it when you break rules. Tyson introduces photographer Joshua Kogan, whose work has appeared in GQ, Harper's Bazaar and Marie Claire. I feel like I have a pretty good knowledge of photographers, but this makes 5 for 5 who I've never heard of-- yes, I'm including you, Perou. And, why do most of them look like Ibiza beach DJs on crank? Whatever, Joshua seems like a perfectly nice fellow. He tells the designers that they will be posing as military personnel who are sneaking off to engage in illicit encounters. Fingers crossed for a Kerryn and Colin match-up. I don't think it would take much to seal the deal and make him a man. Amanda interviews that there is a lot of sexual tension in the house. Okay, sounds like there could possibly be something with her and Gabe, but that's just hearsay. PCMA still underway. She adds that she doesn't know if the guys are jerking off in the bathroom. Classy. Branden is 18, do you really need to wonder? Nicole says that passion sells more ads than anything. If a model can't sell the passion, they probably can't make it as a model. However, it can't be raunchy. Boo.
Tyson says they are going to mix it up and make it groups of three. Hot damn. [Sooo, military personnel are sneaking off and engaging in threesomes? - ] Colin interviews that twosomes would be a better start for him. He will have absolutely nothing to talk about sans cherry. The first group is Mountaha, Gabe, and... Sandhurst. Yes. However, a Sandhurst/Jonathan match-up would have probably been better. Nicole says that it's a kinky group. Group 2 is Jordan (who predictably interviews that there are "some people" that she doesn't want to work with) and Amanda (ha!). Jordan audibly expresses her unhappiness and Amanda says that this isn't going to be good -- Jonathan agrees, but I think he may actually mean that it will be Amanda who makes it bad. The third in the group is Branden. He almost cries with joy. He interviews that he loves women. Loves, loves, loves them. Attention, young, beautiful women of the world: Branden is dangerous. Right? He kisses both girls on the side of the face and interviews that he will stick his tongue down their throats. If he has to. Danger. The third group is Colin, Salome, and Laury. Salome tells Colin that he'd better watch out and Laury says that she doesn't want "to hear any of that virgin shit." If we have to hear it, you have to hear it. Salome interviews that she and Laury are both very sexual people (Mennonite mom is going to love to hear that-- here's hoping the Magnavox is on the fritz the night this episode airs) and Colin is "gonna be torn up by the time he's done." That's funny. Group 4 is Kerryn, Jonathan and CJ. None of them look happy about the grouping. CJ interviews that she has a hard time sharing an intimate moment in front of people. Exactly what in the name of Kathy Ireland did she think models did? JC Penney fall previews at the mall? There's more, CJ! Get the fuck over it. Jonathan tells us that CJ is bisexual, but he doesn't think that will help their photo. You have to be comfortable with yourself, and she isn't. Record skipping. CJ's what? It's the sexual part that surprise me, not the bi.
They begin getting ready for the shoot, which is always fun. Naked everywhere. Gabe is wearing tiny panties that have "Successful Living" in big letters on the arse. Amanda tells Sandhurst that she can see his butt. There's Laury's g-string. Mountaha tells Gabe to look at Branden's "fat belly." Huh? Actually, the shot of him isn't very flattering. Weird. Looks like someone needs to copy Jonathan's ab workout. Jonathan points out to Kerryn and Salome that there are fewer guys than girls left in the competition. Kerryn says that the women are kicking the guys' asses. It's the finish line that really matters, and I have a feeling things are going to be different there. Mountaha continues her dissection of the other models' bodies with Gabe. She says that Laury's boobs are really fake, like pomegranates. They do seem a little unnaturally firm. Kerryn is hot for the military uniform that Colin is wearing. He does look pretty good. Gabe tells us that he loves a "girl in uniform." I'm not usually a fan, unless we're talking Hooters. Yeah, that's right.
Sandhurst, Mountaha and Gabe are the first to shoot. Gabe interviews that he's psyched to break the rules and be bad. What are you talking about? You can hardly stay awake for any of this? Break the rules? You can hardly be bothered to read the rules. Joshua tells them that he wants to see bodies together in a sensual manner. Sandhurst starts sucking on Mountaha's hand before he even begins shooting, which gets a laugh. Gabe is getting all up in her business. Mountaha says that it was a little uncomfortable at first because the guys were kind of jumping on her, but she just went with it. Joshua says that Sandhurst really committed and did the best of the group. He instructs Gabe to move his hand down to Mountaha's hip, and Gabe detours over her boob. Completely copped a feel there. Then, he puts Gabe in the middle. Not nearly as hot as I was hoping, but Sandhurst still asks his Heavenly Model for forgiveness. Mountaha says that she feels like she was amazing during this shoot. Afterwards, Gabe says that he kissed Sandhurst's neck and chest during the shoot. He was on a "chocolate exploration." AND, he and Amanda are sitting to each other. This is big. He continues that Shawn will be upset that he was eliminated the week before this challenge, when he would have possibly been able to fake get it on with some other guys.
Jordan is getting her hair done and tells Amanda that they made her look "all cute." Amanda does not reply because she and Jordan are mortal enemies. She interviews that she and Jordan have a feud, but she's trying to "keep mature." Branden says that this is his first threesome, and he's hoping for a lot of sexual content. Seriously, I love him. Dude is going to get TONS of cougar ass when he is in New York for good. But, today is not Branden's day. Joshua creates a scenario where Amanda and Jordan are making out and Branden is watching from afar. Branden's feelings? "Douchebag." Jordan says that she wants to throw up-- she doesn't like Amanda. Amanda totally takes charge though, which Jordan takes advantage of by upstaging her and making herself the focus. Amanda kisses her and it looks really good. Branden likes it. "Holy shit. Woo! Damn," are his exact thoughts.
In the dressing room, Laury licks Colin on his face and he kind of giggles. Laury tells him that he has to man up. He does sort of a cartoon shiver in reply. He interviews that he's not sure if he will do well in the shoot, seeing as it is all about the thing he knows least about. Colin's a virgin, y'all. As Joshua is arranging them, he asks Salome to take her shirt off. She interviews that her mom always said if your clothes are tight, you might as well be naked. I'm not sure that this is what she had in mind. I'm almost entirely positive that it's not. Joshua asks for more "commitment" from Colin (who looks absolutely ADORABLE in uniform, FYI) and he actually transforms. He gets ALL UP in Laury. It's pretty sexy. Tongues were flying. She interviews that you shouldn't let Colin's much-ballyhooed virginity fool you, for he appears to know "a little sumpin' sumpin'." Joshua says that he was impressed with Colin for actively letting go. For his part, Colin this it's pretty sweet that models get to do stuff like this daily.
Amanda is sitting on Gabe's back while he's doing push-ups. She interviews that she didn't think anyone like Gabe would be attracted to her since she is "tainted" for having a kid. Ouch. Fine, they like each other. They get cozy and Amanda tries to feed him part of the big cookie that she is holding. Or! Or, she's just getting close to him so she can make him fat. Well played, tainted minx.
Jonathan is worried that his wife will be upset with what he does in his shoot. Holy shit, his body is unbelievable. Joshua tells the girls to go to town on his bod. Kerryn gets DOWN. She's becoming one of my favorites. She's really gorgeous. Joshua says that Jonathan was charismatic and committed in all of his photos. Kerryn tells us that she actually came from a conservative background-- she went to a Christian modeling school. That is the most amazing thing that I have ever heard. The screenplay is writing itself. She adds that she is a freak on the inside, though, plus a little freaky on the outside. CJ keeps giggling, and it's annoying Joshua. She interviews that the whole shoot embarrasses her for everyone. Kerryn interviews that "we're goddamn models -- get over it." Jonathan says that he felt like he was disrespecting his relationship for the shoot and hopes that it was worth it.
The day, Salome tells us that her butt is the largest in the house. There's Jonathan doing pushups. She says that it's hard to get up every day and work out. That's the trade-off, Salome. You get to do jack shit ever day, but you have to starve and work out. Jonathan repeats to Gabe his worries about the shoot and his wife. He wants to be a supermodel, not a divorcee. There's a shot of him and his wife and child. Cute kid. The doorbell rings, and it's Nicole with the shots from the photo challenge.
Jonathan and Kerryn like their shot. Nicole asks Kerryn if someone at home will be upset about the shot and she laughs it off. She interviews that she was married and divorced when she was younger. Wow, that was quick. She's 24. CJ doesn't like herself in the photo. Jordan, Amanda and Branden like their shot. Colin is happy with his progress in front of the camera. Sandhurst thinks that they crossed the line in their photo. Nicole agrees -- there's not much mystery in it.
Nicole hands Mountaha her book and tells her that there's something extra in it. Aw, there's a picture in a Montreal newspaper of her in the runway show. She's thrilled and almost cries. I wonder if Amanda is pissed. She interviews that she's getting closer and closer to being perfect.
The phone rings. Jonathan says that, since he put a lot on the line for the shoot, he hopes that he wins. Likewise, Jordan says that, since she had to kiss Amanda, she will scream if she doesn't win. Cory is on the line and wants to speak to... Jonathan! Mountaha says that she's super-annoyed. The go-see is for 2(x)ist, the underwear line. We are fucking lucky, fellow viewers. This will be good. Cory says that he hopes that Jonathan has been working out, and he says that he has. Jonathan chooses Gabe to go with him, but jokes that he'd better not outshine him. That's pretty cool of him, since Gabe would be his biggest competition for an underwear gig. Kerryn interviews that this would be a perfect gig for Gabe, since he loves to walk around in his skivvies.
At 2(x)ist, Jonathan and Gabe walk into what is actually a casting. They're seeing a whole slew of boys. Jason Scarlotti, the creative director of 2(x)ist and the possessor of the greatest job in America, comes out and asks for Jonathan. Michael Kleinmann, who is the president of Freshpair, is in the casting room and tells Jonathan that they are collaborating with 2(x)ist for a spring collection. Why would you need to collaborate with another underwear company to create underwear when you are an underwear company? Both companies, discuss. Jonathan changes behind a screen, then comes out in these skimpy briefs. He says brightly that they fit well. Jason looks like his eyes are about to pop out. He interviews that Jonathan looked so good, it made him nervous and sweaty. Jason asks him if he has any "special talents" like cartwheels. Yeah, you want to know if he can do cartwheels. Jonathan leans in nonchalantly and says that he will give anything a try, if asked. Hello, Nurse! Michael asks him what sort of underwear he wears normally and he says boxer-briefs. In fact, he's usually in his underwear at home. OR NAKED. He's totally getting this job. When he leaves, Jason says that he was really good.
Gabe comes in , but isn't as loved. Michael thinks he's too skinny and not athletic enough. Also, he apparently left his own underwear behind. Michael interviews that "they're not 2(x)ist and they're certainly not a fresh pair." Stupid.
At the condo, Salome is having problems. No one will work out with her, and everyone is eating. They order groceries online and get a bunch of healthy stuff, which is delivered shortly thereafter. Though they ordered a bunch of green stuff, it looks like Salome is eating something a little creamier. Could be yogurt. Could be ice cream. She interviews that she likes to eat, and she ain't talking about no rabbit food. Uh-oh, here's Cory. He's there to measure everyone. Amanda is first -- she has lost almost an inch in her waist. Jordan has gained an inch in her chest, which is good. Jonathan is great. Gabe is the same, which I think is good. Kerryn has lost an inch! She says that she's going to stand in the mirror and... I think that's voguing that she's doing. She wants to vogue. Mountaha has gained an inch in her waist, and she says that Aunt Flo is coming for a visit. "But an inch?" What's an inch to this fat-ass? Really? I guess it's business, but for geez! Salome has also gained! She, too, says that she's on her period, but he thinks that's just an excuse. She says that she's not sure what to do, but doesn't want to go home for being morbidly obese. He says that they will get her some "help."
The phone rings. It's for Jonathan. He's going to be the face of their new campaign!! Everyone is very excited. "You are officially an underwear model," says Jason on the other end of the line. That's his favorite thing to tell people. He also adds that Gabe left his dirty underwear at the office. Poor Gabe. He just can't catch a break. Jonathan tells us that, a few months ago, he was replacing toilets and now he's an underwear model! [Can't he pretty much quit the competition at this point? - Z] His wife and child are his inspiration, which is not what I want to think about when looking at underwear ads.
It's catwalk time. Nicole and Tyson greet the models. CJ blandly intones in an interview that she just wants a normal walk this week. No candy or bondage suits. She is so relentlessly negative. It's actually kind of sad. Jonathan tells Nicole and Tyson that he booked the 2(x)ist job and they congratulate him. Nicole says that the men will be wearing skirts on the runway, while the women will be wearing skinny suits. Salome looks terrified, probably because she's so fat and has to wear something called skinny. The goal is for the guys to still be masculine and for the women to retain their femininity.
Backstage, Amanda says it's in her name, "I'm a man, duh!" Sounds like that was actually used as a taunt and she's not really fond of that play on words. Kerryn interviews that she feels like Jonathan is her only competition. Hmm. She says that he took the best photo, but it's all about who is the best at the end of the week. Gabe tells us that not being in the bottom last week has given him confidence. CJ tells us that it will be hard for her to become a supermodel, because she doesn't like it when people look at her or talk about her. Did someone force her to try out for this show?
Kelly Klein, former wife of Calvin Klein (I know), is the guest judge this week. Catherine Malandrino, where the eff are you? In other news, Kelly has stayed out the sun for the past few years and actually looks pretty amazing. Salome is first. She looks good. She interviews that needs to get her focus, including losing a lot weight (her words not mine), and then she will be a threat. Nicole and Tyson seem to like it. Colin walks and his skirt is actually a shirt. Here's Mountaha. She says that she thinks she will win this. Kerryn looks amazing. Tyson loves it. Here's CJ. She interviews that she doesn't feel empowered by the suit, but she did try to get out of her head. She looks totally blah. Sandhurst looks really powerful. He says that you have to add more balls to the walk when you are wearing a dress. Indeed. Jordan made the bold decision to hook her thumb into the front of her pants, like she has seen guys do. Jenny says, "I like her little walk." Gabe comes out and, in my estimation, looks pretty relaxed. He gives a little grin at the end of the catwalk and Jenny and Perou lose it. Laury interviews that, in order to not be too feminine, she thought about a woman in power while she was walking. That's a unique perspective on femininity. Good for her! Amanda keeps it simple and tries to add a little cockiness, like she's seen a lot of guys have on the catwalk. Jonathan comes out and interviews that he thinks he might have a shot at immunity again. His walk is very masculine and Perou calls him "bruiser" after he leaves.
Tyson interviews the judges. Colin, Laury, Salome, Amanda, Jordan and Branden are safe. Branden smiles at the news. As he's walking away, Jenny says that Branden's getting cockier and cockier by the second. It doesn't sound like she thinks of that as a good thing. I'm not really sure what he did except be glad that he's safe.
Kelly tells Jonathan that he was strong, but she felt he posed too much at the end of the runway. He says that he just wanted to emphasize the waistcoat he was wearing. Marlon complimented him on his photo. Borat asks Kerryn if she drew from personal experience while shooting a threesome. She is not amused and says no. He jokes that he heard that sort of thing happened in America. Really? The fucking word is French, dipshit. We're the land of prudes and sweet potatoes. Get it right. Kerryn says that she would never have a threesome, because she is too jealous to share someone. Wow. It's kind of cool that she would even admit something like that. Nothing is as hot as an insecure model. Jenny, perhaps recalling that weekend in '89 with Madonna and Ingrid in South Beach ("Did I just swallow your gold tooth?"), says that threesomes are a drag. Someone is always the third wheel. She likes Kerryn's photo. Perou thought her walk was impressive.
Not so impressive is CJ. With dictionary under the table, he tells her that she looks like a frottophiliac. This has nothing to do with hobbits. In fact, there's a script on screen that tells us the word is defined as "One who enjoys rubbing against another to achieve sexual arousal." I guess "teenager" would have seemed too pedestrian? Anyhoo, CJ says that she didn't want to cross any boundaries. Marlon asked if her laughing bothered Jonathan and Kerryn. Jonathan just says that CJ seemed a little nervous at the beginning of the shoot. Sandhurst gets kudos for his walk from Marlon, but he adds that he still needs more work in his photos. Sandhurst is asked if he's ever worn a skirt before. He has not, but Gabe tells him that he looks cute in it. Kelly thinks that Gabe's walk was awkward. Perou, whose freakin' Lasik surgery has not healed after all of these weeks necessitating the ridiculous sunglasses, says that he freaked when Gabe smiled. Marlon says that a small smile shouldn't make such a big impression.
Perou found Mountaha's walk disappointing and thought the picture of Sandhurst and Gabe groping her looked like Jodie Foster in The Accused. Eek. She says that she thought she was great, and she mentions that she was in the Montreal paper. BUT, if he didn't like it, she guesses she'll have to improve, because this whole thing is the world to her. Marlon says that she has been lurking in the middle. She has to separate from the pack. She starts crying and she says that she's disappointed in herself. She apologizes as CJ giggles to herself, and Nicole tells her to "suck it up, Baby."
Tyson says that he thought that all of the guys did well. Nicole says that she saved CJ before, but she's not doing it now. She doesn't have enough confidence to be a model. That bitch can be hardcore. The judges confer. Jenny says that CJ seems defiant. Perou brilliant deduces that a good model is like a good actor, but CJ is always CJ. Kelly says that she's beautiful, though, and a lot of times you're choosing a model based on a composite card. Jenny doesn't know who Mountaha is. Perou is turned off by her, but Marlon thinks she deserves a chance to improve. Kelly doesn't think that Gabe is "that hot." Ouch. Jenny thinks that he has maybe reached his limit for improvement. Jenny thinks they can't give Sandhurst immunity, because of the photo of him biting Mountaha. They don't want to reinforce that behavior. Kelly finds Jonathan to be smoking, and Perou likes that he's a "thinking model." Heh. They all loved Kerryn's walk, and Perou thinks that her photos are getting better. Kelly is still rooting for Jonathan, though.
Tyson has the results. Jonathan is... safe. Kerryn has immunity! She interviews that she's the first person to get immunity twice. Sandhurst and Mountaha are safe. Mountaha bawls backstage. Tyson grabs a book from the judges. Gabe -- you gotta be bigger. He has no presence. CJ -- great face, shitty attitude. Nicole is so over her. CJ cannot be made into a supermodel. Gabe leaves the runway. Everyone seems happy backstage. Tyson whispers to CJ that she should go home and find herself, then she will be unstoppable. I'm starting to like the little bits of advice that he's giving to everyone. She interviews that she gave up her job and delayed school for this chance to live free in New York and possibly have the easiest career on the planet. Poor girl. This was a big sacrifice and she doesn't plan on stopping. She says, maybe tearfully, that she knows that she comes off like she doesn't give a fuck, but she does give a fuck. Man, she is a surly person.
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Jeff Long is sorry that he turned Jenny Shimizu off of threesomes. He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com.