Locke and Load

S03E11

By LuluBates

The Happy Campers of Camp Craphole hit the beach with the remains of the ping-pong table from the hatch. They have everything but the ball. Who has the ball? Sawyer, of course. He challenges the entire Island to a ping-pong competition in order to reclaim his stash of stolen merchandise and back issues of Guns and Ammo. Do the other Lostaways agree? Of course they do! What the heck else do they have to do on this Island? Nothing! Except maybe go save the doctor, who would be a really handy person to have around, considering the Lostaways' propensity to get shot, tip planes over, blow shit up, get caught in tree trapsâ¦but I digress.

Meanwhile, Kate, Locke, Sayid, and Rousseau are in hot pursuit of all things Other, and hit the jackpot when they find the one-eyed man you may remember from a mere three episodes ago. What continuity! Go writers go! The One-Eyed Man claims he is the last surviving member of the Dharma Initiative, and has run this communication station since leaving the Soviet Army and answering a classified ad. Sayid doesn't believe him, and in a series of flashbacks we delve into his trust issues. Kate almost gets beat down by a stray Other, while Locke is so busy playing computer chess, he has no idea what is going on. Guess we know what he's been missing most! (No, not his kidney. Good guess, though.) It's too bad for the Lostaways that he's so darn good at chess.

Camera pans slowly down the beach, capturing the waves breaking over the distant rocks. The sun is low in the sky, casting shadows. Sawyer is walking alone down the beach. His pants are rolled to the knees as the waves splash on his bare feet. His hair is long, and when the wind gently blows it back we see a lone tear making its way down his rugged cheek. A single rose dangles from his fingers, the petals drifting slowly behind leaving a trail on the sand. He spies a crowd making their way out of the jungle. He looks up, momentarily hopeful, but a quick glance through the group does not reveal the face of his beloved. He continues his lonely walk. Oh, Sawyer. What will fix your achy breaky heart? Oh yes, of course -- a ping-pong competition.

The Losties wander out of the jungle carrying pieces of the ping-pong table from the hatch. Hurley informs Sawyer that Jin found it in the woods. They made legs for it, and paddles. They just don't have a ball. They made legs and paddles before they had a ball? Isn't the ball the whole point? And did anyone play ping-pong when it was in the hatch? Or were Jack and Locke keeping the pingy-pongy goodness all for themselves? Hurley tells Sawyer that the table must have landed in the jungle after the hatch exploded. Sawyer and I look confused. I thought the hatch im-ploded, we say in unison. Hurley looks at us like we're the ones with suicidal invisible friends: "I don't know, dude. All I know is the sky turned purple and now I don't ask questions. I just fix myself a salad and move on." Ooh, Zen and the Art of Island Living. Sawyer snarks, I see that's working for you. Because Hurley is fat and Sawyer is sarcastic. Glad we got that established. Sawyer asks if Hurley has seen Kate. Hurley shrugs and says, "Kate? She's not back yet? Huh. Glad to see that's working for you, Sawyer. " Okay, that was me. Sawyer then catches on that the New Guy (I know, I know, his name is Paolo, but I'm not going to go and get all attached and learn his name just so that he can killed off like the walking collateral damage that he is) is walking to the can with his copy of Guns and Ammo. New Guy gets very huffy, because no one wants his bathroom reading called out, and says, we share stuff now. Sawyer pulls a soapbox out of his stash, climbs up on it, and starts hollering about how everyone stole his merchandise when they thought he was dead. But he is not dead and he wants his stuff back. New Guy gets snooty and says fine, keep it. But Sawyer isn't interested in New Guy's leftover bathroom reading, and storms off down the beach.

By LuluBates

Locke, Kate, and Sayid are cutting a path through the jungle arguing about directions and hiking in circles and whether they should be following a compass bearing written on a priestly whackjob's beatin' stick. Locke has no problem with this. And since it's his bearing, he's keeping it. Sayid rolls his eyes and says his going to find some food and then hopefully then can have a "rational" conversation about their move. Oh, Sayid -- did you forget what island you were on? This island scoffs at rational. This island makes mincemeat out of rational. Speaking of mincemeat, is that a cow? It is a cow! It's a cow that lives on a farm. Hey, Kate! Locke! Sayid found a farm! And Patch Adams runs it. With a palomino. Why not? "Home Home on the Craphole Range."

How many Losties does it take to tie up a ping-pong net? Apparently, twelve of them, and apparently it also takes them a long long time, because after Sawyer has cooled down and is returning to camp, the Losties are still busily fixing up the ping-pong table. Sawyer's long walk down the beach has paid off. He has the ball. The only ball on the island. That's funny. I thought Kate had his ball. Heh. Anyway, Sawyer is back and he wants what's his. An ass-kicking? No, he wants his stuff. New Girl (yes, I know her name is Nikki and, no, I don't care) points out that the stuff wasn't his to begin with. He glares at her, points his finger, and says: 1. It was mine when I took it and 2. Who the hell are you? Hallelujah. Someone noticed. We have no idea who the hell she is. I heart Sawyer. Sawyer challenges the Losties to a game of ping-pong. When he wins, he wants all his stuff back. And if you lose, Sawyer? I will not lose, he says. However, just to be sporting, they can choose their own prize. Sun and Jin are busily hatching a plan when Sawyer calls them out, saying, Crouching Tiger and Hidden Dragon have something. Hee! Sun then challenges him to no nicknames for an entire week if he loses. Now I feel bad for laughing because apparently all the nicknames really really hurt the Losties feelings. Sawyer says to pick their best player and he'll be back in an hour to kick ass.

Back at the ranch, Sayid, Locke, Kate, and Rousseau are crouching in the bushes, surveilling the cow. The cow (and the building nearby) is isolated. Sayid checked it out. Dude, Shannon hasn't been dead that long! Locke notices that there is a satellite dish on top of the building. They note its potential long-range-communication capabilities. Kate asks Sayid about Patch Adams. All he (and we) know is that the one-eyed man turned off a surveillance camera in the Pearl Station. Sayid doesn't know who Patch Adams is or what side he is on, but he is going to find out. Rousseau has never seen this man before, and she's not interested in meeting him now. She has stayed around the island this long by specifically avoiding these situations. She's all, smell you guys later! If anyone survives, I'll be over there. And exits stage left. Amen, sister! That is a very sensible MO. Do the Losties listen? No, they do not. Instead Sayid hands Kate his gun and says that Patch is less likely to be hostile if Sayid is unarmed. Yes, the Others always play nice if you are unarmed. Except, you know, for the dozens of times when they don't. Kate takes his gun and agrees to his very rational plan.

By LuluBates

Sayid wants to know what happened to the Dharma Initiative. According to Patch, they are all dead because they started a war with the Hostiles. They called it The Purge -- presumably because it came after a long bout of Twinkie-eating, Cheeto-munching, and Snicker-scarfing. How did Patch survive? He did not participate. Hmm, notice a theme? Survival = Not Engaging. Losties, you paying attention? Of course you're not. After the war, the Hostiles came and offered Patch a truce. Don't cross the imaginary line around the Valley and we will leave you alone. They took two cows and left and he never saw them again. Kate rolls her eyes and asks why they weren't interested in the satellite dish or the computers. Patch explains that the dish has been broken for years. Curses! Foiled again! Everyone sighs. Sayid asks Patch who the Hostiles are, but he doesn't know. All he knows is that they have been there a long time. A very long time.

Apparently, Sayid was a cook in Paris. Or in that casino that has a replica of the Eiffel Tower, because it is looming in the background as he makes his way to the customer's restaurant to scope out the job situation. Sayid walks into the well-appointed Middle Eastern restaurant and asks for Sammy. Sammy comes out, shakes Sayid's hand, and explains that the restaurant is simple but good. His wife comes out, and Sammy introduces her. She has burns all over her arms and a very serious look in her eye. Sayid says it is a pleasure to meet her. Things go downhill from there, though. One of the men grabs Sayid, and Sammy asks his wife if she is sure this is him. She says yes, and while Sayid is attempting to protest, the men in the restaurant grab him and beat him down. God, I hate disgruntled customers.

By LuluBates

Sayid is on the couch at the ranch. Patch has just pulled the bullet out of his arm and is about to start sewing up the wound. There's an extreme close-up shot of the bullet hole and the needle poised to start stitching. And I have officially lost my appetite. Thanks, show! Patch stops his ministrations to yell at his Evil Cat in Russian. Sayid asks what he said, and Patch explains that he asked Nadia, the Evil Cat, to be polite in front of their guest. "Guest"? Don't you mean "guy you shot"? Maybe that's what the kids are calling it these days, but Emily Post might take issue with it. Nadia the Evil Cat was named after Nadia Comaneci, the greatest athlete of all time. I thought the Soviets hated the Romanians. Or maybe I hate the Romanians? Oh wait, no -- I hate the Romantics. "I hear / the secrets that you keep!" Ugh. So, it's definitely the Russians who hate the Romanians. After another gratuitous wound shot, Patch proclaims Sayid mended. He wants to make amends with a glass of iced tea. Wow. Does that qualify as adequate restitution in Russia? I think we now know why Communism failed! Patch takes the opportunity to go see what Locke is up to. Locke is still playing chess. Seriously. He is STILL PLAYING CHESS. Patch suggests that Locke shouldn't waste his time. Patch has been playing against that computer for ten years and has never beaten it. Three grand masters of chess programmed it, and it cheats. Locke says he has played a lot of computers, and he doesn't think they know how to cheat. Being able to cheat is what makes being human so distinctly wonderful. Well, that and our opposable thumbs and excellent television writing!

Kate is suspicious. But not as suspicious as Sayid! Kate says it doesn't make any sense. Why would they just let Patch stay? Sayid says it makes perfect sense if he is one of them. Kate looks shocked. Shocked! You let him shoot you!, she says. Why are we just sitting here? Sayid whips out a chalkboard to spell it out for her: "We are sitting here, Kate, because I am sure he is not alone." The music is Very Dramatic during this exchange.

Back on the beach, the Losties have nominated Hurley as their one ping-pong chance to free themselves at last from the harsh rule of Sawyer's name-calling ways. Sawyer calls him "Grimace." That's it, Sawyer, get inside his head! Make him feel bad about himself! Ping-pong is all about the psychology! In an unexpected turn of events, Hurley flips the psych-out right back at him by asking if they are going to play with a "mercy rule." Meaning that if he is up 11-0, he automatically wins. Sawyer scoffs that Hurley will be up that high, but agrees. Hurley asks if he wants to volley to see who serves, but Sawyer just lets him start. Hurley proceeds to kick his ass. Wacky!

By LuluBates

In flashback, Sayid is chained to the floor, looking desolate. He perks up a bit when Sammy brings him some water. The perkiness does not last long; Sammy then accuses him as his wife's torturer. Doesn't Sayid recognize his victims? Doesn't he remember dumping boiling oil over her arms after she was arrested for harboring enemies of the state? Sayid confesses that he was an interrogator in the Republican National Guard, but denies torturing Sammy's wife. He swears that he remembers every face of every person he ever tortured -- and he doesn't know her. He says maybe she saw him at the same facility, maybe she remembers him from there, but he did not torture her. He swears. Sammy says she remembers him well enough to know it was him after one glimpse as they walked past the restaurant where he worked. So Sayid better start remembering, because if he doesn't, he is leaving the room. In a bag! I'd be more concerned for Sayid if this weren't a flashback and we didn't know that he didn't leave the room in a bag. Unlessâ¦unless the entirety of Craphole Island is populated by ghosts! Maybe all the Losties are dead and the island is Purgatory! And the Others are living people like in the movie The Others and they kill people by exorcising them! Yeah! Totally!

Sayid is so damn smart. He knows that Patch is not alone in the station because the horse outside is still saddled and the stirrups were set for a much smaller person. Oh, Sayid. Sighâ¦ As they hogtie Patch, Locke wants to know why the Others would send someone to keep Patch company. Sayid flicks Locke in the forehead and points out that maybe the Others lost communication when the sky turned purple and maybe, since this is a communication hub, it would make sense to send someone along to check on things. Locke says he can't figure out where another person would be hiding, because in between games of computer chess he has managed to search every nook and cranny in the entire place. Sayid lifts the carpet, points to the giant trapdoor in the floor, and says, "Uh duh." Locke bursts into tears and goes back to his computer. Oh, Sayid!

Sayid is still shackled to the floor in Sammy's House of Pain. He is getting his face whupped by Sammy while his wife watches. Now I'm not positive, but I think I saw their adult personal ad on the back page of the Voice. The more Sayid denies knowing her, the more Sammy smacks him. Sayid says he cannot admit to something he didn't do, no matter how much he is beaten. Sammy claims Sayid forced his wife to admit to something she didn't do by pouring a pot of boiling oil over her arms. Sayid denies it some more. Sammy reaches for a pipe to finish the deed. Sammy's wife uses her safe word to stop the onslaught. Oh, the suspense! Will this be it for our loyal Sayid? Oh gosh! Oh golly!

By LuluBates

While Kate grabs extra ammunition and Sayid packs up the prisoner, Locke decides to play one last game of chess. He wins again, and when the Dharma guy asks him if there has been a hostile incursion on the station, Locke takes a deep breath and enters 77. Sayid has Patch tied up at gunpoint as he heads outside and calls for Rousseau. Sayid asks Patch if he was ever a member of the Dharma Initiative, or whether it was all a lie. Patch says that was never a member of Dharma, but everything else he said was true. He came to live at the Flame station after the Purge. Sayid isn't buying the Purge. He doesn't believe that Dharma, purportedly a group of peacenik scientists, attacked the Others. In a cleansing burst of either massive hinting or complete coincidence, Rousseau shows up right then. See? Sayid says "scientists," and Rousseau appears. Is that a clue? Is it? Is it? â¦Oh, whatever. Rousseau asks if Patch killed Sayid's friends. He says that they're still inside, retrieving whatever is useful from the house. He is happy, because they have a key to the Others now and can go get Rousseau's daughter and, hopefully, a way home. Patch tells him that there's nothing Sayid can do to make him take them to the Others. Sayid rolls his eyes and tells him that he is not a ticket no matter how much he pretends. Can't argue with the obvious, can you, Patch?

Sayid pulls out a map and shows us his best guess as to where the Others live -- in a place called The Barracks. It is a large dormitory with water and electricity and enough room for everyone and the horse they rode in on. They are going to pay a visit to The Barracks. Mikhail swallows and then tells Sayid that he plans on killing him as soon as possible. Um, Patch? You can't kill Sayid. He's a star. He has a contract. It's not going to happen. Not without protracted contract renegotiations, demands for excessive amounts of per-episode money, and calls for a work stoppage. Rousseau asks why they are keeping Patch alive, and it's a darn good question. Kind of like that scene in Austin Powers when Seth Green asks Dr. Evil why he doesn't just kill Austin now, and Dr. Evil has no good answer. Sayid decides the question is best answered by a flashback that, of course, Rousseau can't see.

By LuluBates

Sammy's lovely wife arrives in Sayid's cell with her kitty cat. She spins a lovely tale about some psychotic French children, a homeless cat, and feline torture. Very much bedtime-story material. She rescued the cat and loves the cat. He reads with her, sleeps with her, and occasionally bites her. He bites her because he forgets that he is safe. She forgives him for this because she understands it. She does not feel safe because of Sayid. She wants Sayid to admit that he remembers her. She wants that respect. Sayid finally admits that he does remember her. Her face has haunted him ever since he left Iraq. He breaks down and cries. He is sorry for what he did to her. She forgives him. When her husband returns, she will tell him that she made a terrible mistake, that it was not him, and he will let Sayid go. He wants to know why. (Gift horse/mouth much, Sayid?) She says that we are all capable of doing what those children did to the cat, but she refuses to give in to such behavior.

Rousseau asks Sayid again why they are keeping Patch alive, and Sayid says that Patch is his prisoner and he will do what he wants and if Rousseau doesn't like it then Sayid will just take his prisoner and go home. He then sticks out his tongue and says, "Nyah nyah nyah!" Kate and Locke join the group. Sayid looks Locke up and down and says, "I see you didn't find anything useful." Locke admits that he just played chess again and then tells Patch he knows why he didn't want him to beat the game. Sayid and Kate exchange WTF looks. Just then, Locke proves that winning isn't everything. Especially when it causes the entire building to explode! Flames shoot skyward and the entire complex is decimated. Sayid looks apoplectic and then yells at Locke, "What did you do? That was our one chance at communicating with the outside world! Are you a complete chucklehead?" Locke explains that the computer told him to do it. Sayid looks like he's about to wrap his hands around Locke's sinewy neck and scream, "Learn, dammit! Learn!" like Matthew Broderick in WarGames. Sayid tells them that they need to leave because Locke has just started the biggest signal fire ever. As they go, Sayid spies Evil Kitty staring at him meaningfully.