When Kate and Sawyer stumble back to camp, it's a happy reunion on Craphole Island. And what better way to celebrate than with a warm can of Official Dharma Corporation Light Beer? Luckily for the manly men of the Island, Hurley has found a magic van chockfull of the stuff! Just ignore the dead guy in the driver's seat and let the magic bus take you on a mystical flashback to when Hurley was young and Cheech was his dad. Sit back and relax while you chug that hot American-style lite lager and follow Hurley through a re-telling of all his past miseries. (His grandpa dies! His house catches on fire! His recently purchased Chicken Shack gets hit by a meteorite! Cheech is doing his mom!!) But Hurley won't let this get him down. He is gaining some perspective, man, ain't nothing gonna slow him down, oh no, not with the magic bus around. He's going to make his own luck now. He's going to break this curse. Yeah, hot beer totally solves everything. Especially after you drink twelve cans of it.
Kate meanwhile has apparently made off with all the cojones for the entire Island and gone off in search the help she needs to go after Jack. Wait. Who? Jack? Who is this Jack you speak of? There ain't no Jack in this episode. I guess even the writers are tired of him.
Oh, and Vincent? Bad dog! No biscuit.
A cute little boy with a mop of curly locks makes his way down the stairs of awell-kept home in a neighborhood that has fallen on hard times but the inhabitants are hardworking, honest folk who try their best to give their kids a better life then the one they had. How do I know all of this? There is an ethnically-diverse group of kids playing basketball in the background. It's like code. Anyway, the little boy makes his way down the stairs with an oversized toolbox and starts laying out the tools to fix his car. Which is, of course, a Camaro. More precisely, a Bitchin' Camaro. Bitchin' Camaro. I ran over my neighbor. Now that song is going to be stuck in my head for, like, ever. Dammit. The kid pops the hood as his father comes out and holy frijoles, it is Cheech Marin. I think. Yeah. It's Cheech. He asks the kid if he's got the car working yet and the kid says no and Cheech tells the kid to get in the car and try it. The kid points out that it needs a carburetor. Cheech tells him that a little faith never hurt anyone. He then gives the kid the keys and tells him to start it up. Whoa, Cheech. Even after all the hooch you've smoked, your twelve remaining brain cells must simply be screaming that giving a nine-year-old the car keys is not the best idea ever. The kid closes his eyes and tries to start the car. It doesn't work, and the kid points out the lack of carburetor again. Cheech tells him that having hope is never stupid, believing in stuff is important, and in this world you have to create your own luck. And with that he's off to Vegas to apparently try his whole "making your own luck" theory in a real-world and slightly more profitable venue. The kid, who turns out to be Hurley, is disappointed, but Cheech hands him a candy bar (even though Hurley says no, I shouldn't!), and tells him to live a little, thus setting up a lifelong desire to fill the void of parental neglect with food. After one candy bar! God, my mother was right. I hate that.
Flash forward to Hurley looking all Hallmark and talking about his feelings in the group therapy session that is Craphole Island. He's explaining how The Others took Jack, Kate, and Sawyer and left him to tell the tale. He appears to be disappointed by this. Not only is he not cool enough to be kidnapped, he's scared. Everyone's scared. He's always been scared on the Island -- that is, except when he's with Libby. The camera pans out to reveal that he's talking to her grave. He misses Libby. Aw.
Ooh, Charlie's shaving. I wonder how long the shaving cream will last? Anyway, Charlie's going on about how Desmond said he was going to die. That's funny, your agent should have told you that at your last contract negotiation. Charlie says that Desmond keeps having flashes that all result in Charlie's demise. In a not very comforting manner, Hurley says that Desmond is probably right. Nice! Hurley thinks that it's probably his fault and that the curse he is under is probably the root cause of Charlie's imminent demise. Charlie stares at him the way anyone would stare at someone who has just stated that he is the cause of your looming doom. Hurley continues, oblivious to the stare, and says that death always finds him. Just then Vincent runs up with -- wait for it -- an arm! From a dead guy! Ba-dum-bum! Thank you, writers! This scene cemented my hatred of Labradors. Those dogs will put anything in their mouths. Fossilized arm? Sweet! Can we go to the dog park now? While my dog has some distinct personality defects, at least he doesn't go around thinking mummified arms are playthings. A finger, sure, but an arm, no. Definitely no. Vincent runs off into the woods and Hurley chases after him while Charlie says no, no, I don't want to chase after a nasty Labrador with a decayed arm in its mouth through the creepy woods, no thank you. And what is the purpose of Hurley chasing Vincent, exactly? Does Hurley want the arm back? Is he going to eat it? Vincent runs through the woods, turns to look at Hurley, drops the arm at his feet, and runs further into the woods. Hurley bends over the arm, picks it up, licks his lips, and wishes he had some of that Dharma Initiative ranch dressing. Okay, no, he doesn't. He pries a key chain out of the dead fingers, runs after Vincent, and stares in awe at the Volkswagen van that is turned on its side in the underbrush.
Flashback to Hurley after winning the lottery. He is being interviewed by a local news reporter about his newfound wealth and his decision to by the Mr. Cluck's where he used to work; Hurley says he bought it cause he likes chicken. 'Cause no matter how much you like chicken, it's every boy's dream to buy the crappy chicken shack that you walked out on in the middle of your shift. And he didn't even fire his boss! Personally, if I won the lottery and really liked the chicken business I would set up a chicken shop directly across from that crappy place and give the chicken away for free and drive them out of business. Yeah, that would teach 'em! The reporter asks Hurley about his lucky streak and he points out that he has had a lot of bad luck: his grandpa died, the first house he bought his mom burnt down, and his best friend ran off with his girl! The reporter yells cut and glares at Hurley. "It's a puff piece, Mr. Reyes, do you know what that is?" Hurley looks abashed and says, "Sorry, Tricia Tanaka." She asks to go inside and shoot some B roll. Hurley looks concerned, and his boss explains that Hurley is just superstitious because the ribbon hasn't been cut yet. I have never heard of this superstition, but I guess I don't hang around a lot of ribbon-cutting ceremonies. Anyway: cue the meteor! Yes, the second Tricia Tanaka walks inside Mr. Cluck's, a giant meteor (meteorite?) smashes the place to smithereens. Whoa, didn't see that one coming.
Vincent has found a Volkswagen van in the woods, and Hurley is very excited by this, but the writers are not, and cut instead to the beach where Sun is teaching Jin English by asking him to pass her cereal. She will only speak to him in English so that he will learn. He does not look thrilled at the prospect. Hurley comes running onto the beach yelling for everyone. The Lostaways all rush over, convinced they are about to be attacked. Claire asks him if he's okay. And the girl from that cancelled show about the sisters with the (yawn) complicated relationship? She's not dead yet. And is therefore totally ruining my dead pool for all new characters on this show. Really -- Eko got toasted in nine episodes and she's still here? Somebody has a good agent! She asks if it's The Others. Hurley is too out of breath to say anything but "car." They all stare at him blankly. Why do they need a car? Hurley wants everyone to gather together and get the van going 'cause it'll be fun! They're totally going to reenact Little Miss Sunshine! Already got the dead guy! And the porn! He points out that Charlie needs some fun. And Jin wants to get away from Sun, so he volunteers, too. Wacky hijinks sure to ensue!
Cut to Kate and Sawyer sitting in a tree. A-R-G-U-I-N-G. They bicker about how far it is to camp and whether or not Kate knows where she's going. Kate claims they are five minutes from the beach, and Sawyer points out that she doesn't sound really thrilled about their return. As it happens, she's not looking forward to explaining why Jack is not with them. Sawyer suggests that maybe their fellow campers should explain why they didn't come looking for them. Kate audibly rolls her eyes and marches on and Sawyer follows until he steps on a dart. He whinges about how on earth a dart got out there, which is odd in light of the eight million much weirder things they have found on the island. I mean, a dart almost makes sense, especially compared to, I don't know, A POLAR BEAR!
Kate comes over and counts down to pulling the dart out of Sawyer's foot, except that she totally pulls it out on the count of one! Not fair! Sawyer glares at her and she says, "You know all you have to do is say sorry. Clean slate, start over." Sawyer giggles and says, "Clean slate, huh, like on Little House?" Kate snorts, "You call it Little House?" Sawyer explains that he had mono when he was a kid and the only channel they got in their trailer showed Little House. Kate snorts again, and Sawyer refuses to apologize because he has nothing to apologize for. Which is very possibly true. What is he apologizing for? Letting Carl go? Or is it that every gentleman owes a lady an apology after ravishing her? Whatever. Kate looks wounded and says, "So this is how it's going to be? Welcome home, Sawyer." He sighs and says, "Welcome home, Kate." They walk in silence the rest of the way to the beach, where they reconnect with their Lostaway buddies Of course they share some meaningful eye contact. Because, you know, they did it.
Hurley walks into his luxuriously appointed home. He is covered in... what is that? Meteor ash? Asteroid dust? Whatever it is, he could undoubtedly scrape it off his body and sell it on eBay. His mother walks over and asks what happened. He explains that Tricia Tanaka is dead, that Mr. Cluck's got destroyed by an asteroid, and that it's all his fault due to the cursed lottery numbers. His mom slaps him. It was an accident! It is not your fault! He prattles on about how the numbers are cursed and that he has to go to Australia because that's where the numbers are from. His mother claims she has a surefire method to prove that he is not cursed. She leads him into the living room, where his long-lost Cheech is already making cracks about Hurley's weight. Apparently his mother thinks that the return of the money-grubbing deadbeat dad who ran off 17 years ago will prove to Hurley that he is a lucky lucky guy. I don't get the logic, but I am admittedly not a middle-aged Latina housewife. For the record, Hurley also looks unconvinced.
Jin and Hurley are staring at the van. The good news is that they know where the arm came from. The bad news is that there is a body decomposing in the front seat of their hot new ride. Hurley reads the nametag off the guy's Dharma Initiative jumpsuit and offers his condolences to Roger. 'Cause he's dead. And looks just like the mummy at Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe in Seattle. Maybe the props department borrowed it? Anyway, Jin calls Hurley's attention to the fact that the van is stocked with beer. Light beer. Hurley drools a little. Jin pantomimes that he wants to take Roger out of the van and then turn the van upright. Hurley yells that he understands, because I guess after forty-plus days together and countless conversations, Hurley has suddenly realized that Jin does not speak English. Anyway, they take Roger out of the van, losing his head in the process. D'oh!
Charlie accosts Desmond on the beach and demands to know when he is going to die. He has a right to know! He should totally sue Desmond to enforce that right. Desmond is trying to defend himself when Sawyer barges up and demands to know the whereabouts of his porn stash. You would think he would be the least horny man on the island with all the nookie he's gotten. Desmond and Charlie apologize for drinking his scotch, and Sawyer wants to know who else was involved. Cut to Hurley and Jin using branches to lever the van upright. Vincent is there too, probably looking for more "treats." Bad dog. Sawyer barrels in and accosts Hurley about the whereabouts of his stash. Okay, one thing has been bothering me about this van thing, and Sawyer's sudden appearance is forcing me to ask -- is the van, like, twenty yards from the beach? And if so, why did it take so long to run across it? They've been trucking around this island for close to two months looking for means of survival and clues to mysteries, and no one noticed a van? Anyway, Hurley bum-rushes Sawyer because he is so happy he is alive to come yell at him about stupid crap. To his credit, Sawyer looks a little sappy and hugs Hurley back, turning to Jin also for a quick man hug (pat pat on the back and away!). Jin uses his new English skills to tell Sawyer he is happy to see him. Sawyer points out that Jin is hooked on phonics. Hee hee! Hurley asks about Jack and Kate, and Sawyer informs him that Jack is still being held. Hurley is unperturbed, because Jack is going to be okay. They are all going to be okay. Sawyer's return is a sign. Why? Hurley is convinced that the van is a magic van that will take all their problems away. He knows this because the van has beer. Light beer. Dharma Initiative Light Beer. Who wouldn't be thrilled at the prospect? And seriously, of all the things you might wish for as a Lostaway, a broken-down rusted hippie van is probably pretty much in the same category as more sand and a nice ripe mango.
Back on the beach, Sayid and Locke are trying to figure out why Jack said not to go after him. Kate points out that since Jack sacrificed himself to save them, he probably did not want the sacrifice to be for naught. Duh. Sayid asks about The Others' boats, and Kate said they gave Michael a boat, and not only did they have other boats and could come and go as they pleased, but according to Carl, The Others lived on Craphole Island. Sayid and Locke ask who the heck Carl is, and Kate explains that he escaped with them and then Sawyer let him go. They'll have to ask Sawyer about that, though, because Kate is going to completely ignore her own sage words and the sacrificiness of Jack's sacrifice, and is going after him. But first she is going to get help. Locke and I ask simultaneously, "Help from who?" Because we sure don't know. Kate walks purposefully into the woods. Can't tell if she took a shower first. I would have, but I'm like that.
Hurley and his family are gathered around a table that has a Golden Jesus in the middle of it. The Cheech comments on what a heckuva Jesus it is. Hurley's mom apparently likes the statue because the Holy Jesus was a shining example of a good son, and never more so than when He is hand-carved out of solid gold. (Get it? Shiny? Gold?) The butlers simultaneously lift silver lids off of dinner plates to reveal hamburgers, French fries, AND lasagna. Oh, Hurley. The Cheech comments on the food, and Hurley's mom tells him that the butlers made it themselves and that Hurley found them in Bennigan's. Cheech asks Hurley if something is wrong, because apparently the fact that two people died in front of him and a meteor destroyed his business doesn't give him the right to a full sulk. Hurley ignores him until his mother tells him to answer his father. That's the last straw for Hurley, who demands to know why he's supposed to treat The Cheech like his dad since he walked out on them seventeen years ago. Good point -- and isn't Hurley's mom a little put off by the fact that his dad just showed up after Hurley won the lottery? The Cheech pipes up that he came when Hurley's mom called him 'cause she was worried about Hurley. Hurley's mom thought he needed some manly influence, what with all the talk about Australia. I don't see the problem on that front; Australia's a pretty manly place. Hurley reiterates that The Cheech is only back because of the money, and, surprise, there is not going to be any money. Hurley is getting rid of it all. Hurley gives the butlers their severance and tells them to get out before they get killed or worse. He then turns on The Cheech and tells him to get out. But his mother is having none of that, because it's been seventeen years, Hurley. Seventeen years since what? Mama Hurley covers the ears of her pretty pretty Jesus statue and says, "I have needs." Hurley and I simultaneously cover our ears and yell "no no no!" His mom tells him to get over it and go show his father what's in the garage. Guess Hurley saved his dad's Bitchin' Camaro. My sixth-grade teacher had a Bitchin' Camaro, too. And he was a teacher at a Lutheran school in Oregon and still lived with his mother and had a penchant for orange short-sleeved button-ups and khaki corduroy bell-bottomed pants. So the car is obviously cool.
Back on the Island, Sawyer, Jin, and Hurley finally flip the van upright. Inside they find a lot of trash, beer, and a map. Guess Dharma Corp. was building a road. Good thing they got a van before they got a road. That's planning! Anyway, Sawyer finds the head. Vincent looks disappointed. Hurley apologizes for not properly introducing Roger. Hurley grabs the keys and prepares to fire up the magic bus. Jin says something, and Hurley points out that even if he could understand him, he wouldn't understand him. Or something like that. Hurley can't understand him because he is too busy believing in something. He is making his own luck. The Cheech would be proud. Hurley puts the key into the ignition and chants "hope, hope, hope" and then looks really bummed when the really rusty van, that's been sitting on its side for years and has weeds growing through the engine, doesn't start.
It's Miller time. While Hurley tries to convince Jin that he can fix the engine, Sawyer has propped Roger up and is getting saucy in the van. Hurley feels inclined to mention that the beer is older than Rocky III, or maybe even II, and probably poisonous. When Jin tells him that he can't fix the van, Hurley says that it will start because he has hope. Roger and Sawyer laugh and try to squash Hurley's hopes by pointing out that if it's hope that Hurley wants, he's on the wrong damn island. Good freaking point, Sawyer. Or Roger. Hurley looks determined to be hopeful. Wonder how much beer that takes?
Cheech wakes Hurley up and immediately grosses him out by hinting about his mother's lovemaking abilities. Rise and shine, little Hurley! The Cheech says that if Hurley does one thing with him and it doesn't work, then Hurley can go to Australia. What's the one thing? The Cheech promises to break the curse. By going to a psychic. Sure, good plan. That's how I got out of my last lease and my last relationship. The psychic deals the tarot deck and reads in the cards that Hurley just came into a great deal of money, that he isn't happy, that she sees numbers, dark scary numbers, dead numbers. Hurley is sort of impressed, but still skeptical. She sees death. Death all around him, with more to come! The psychic asks for his hands. She tells him he is cursed. He looks freaked. Really freaked. She tells him the only way to get rid of the curse is to... strip off his clothes and cover himself with eggs? He cracks. Heh. He offers her a thousand dollars if she'll admit that his dad put her up to this. She says hell no, the mystical arts cannot be bought. He offers her $10,000, and she looks egg-static and tells the truth. Hurley storms out while The Cheech protests that he was only trying to help. Hurley wants to know who he was trying to help. What were you egg-specting, there, Cheech?
Back on the Island, Hurley mumbles to himself about hope and cars and help while Sawyer teaches Jin the manly art of English: "Beer." "Car." "International House of Pancakes." He turns on Hurley and asks him what he's doing. Hurley claims he's praying for help. Sawyer chucks a beer at his head and says I got your help right here, dude. I totally dated a guy like that. Charmer. The beer rolls away, and Hurley follows it, and gets a big ol' goofy grin on his big ol' goofy face. Cut to Charlie on the beach, staring out at the ocean. Hurley tells him to pull himself together, stop moping, and come help get the magic bus moving! Charlie doesn't see the point of starting a van on an island with no roads. Hurley pulls a Cher, slaps Charlie, and tells him to snap out of it. He then launches into what is clearly a rousing speech because Charlie agrees to go. In case you want to draft an inspiring speech of your own, the elements to include are: looking death in the face and laughing, being victorious over enemies both seen and unseen, having a bit of fun, and of course making your own luck. .
At the van, surrounded by empties, Sawyer is teaching Jin the only three things a man ever needs to tell a woman. "I'm sorry," "You were right," and "Those pants don't make you look fat." Oh, Sawyer. No wonder Kate is like so over you. Hurley rounds the corner and Sawyer asks, "What up, Jumbotron? Hurley is not in the mood and retorts with the classic, "Shut up, redneck dude." Sawyer smiles. You have learned much, grasshopper. Hurley convinces all the men (and Charlie) to push the van to the edge of a giant rolling hill. Sawyer seems almost impressed, in that way that things sound impressive after you've split a case of Schlitz with your roommate and it's four o'clock on a Sunday and why the heck shouldn't you see what would happen if you had to use the fire escape ladder while wearing roller skates?
Hurley is packing for Australia. The Cheech comes in to talk to him, and in an effort to appear fatherly, honest, and stating the bleeding obvious, he admits that he is there for the money and that he is old. Dude, we know. The Cheech says that the reason he's there now is that he's worried. Hurley shouldn't go to Australia. It won't fix anything. He doesn't need to go. He just needs a little hope. That we make our own luck and Hurley needs some of that. The Cheech thinks he should give away the money and only save enough for a carburetor. It's never too late for a fresh start. Pull the Bitchin' Camaro off the blocks, hit the road, and head to the Grand Canyon on the road trip they were supposed to go on 17 years ago. Strangely, Hurley is unimpressed by this speech, and says he'll send The Cheech a postcard. The Cheech says he will be there when he gets back.
Hurley is determined to jumpstart the van by driving it down the hill and popping the clutch. Sawyer is still drunk-dude impressed but just wants to watch, especially after noting the giant rocks at the bottom of the hill. Hurley says he's going to do it and just needs a push. Charlie decides to ride shotgun and gives a shout-out to the "victory or death" speech that Hurley delivered on the beach. And I am so glad that I am a girl and don't have to do such things to prove my manly manliness. Sawyer and Jin push them down the hill. They careen faster and faster, Hurley chants "there is no curse, there is no curse," and just before they hit the rocks, the van starts. I am shocked. Shocked! The 8-track starts up too. Thank God for the tunes; this scene would be intolerable without a '70s soundtrack. Well, it's intolerable anyway, but the music makes it slightly less so. The boys all pile in the car (with the flesh-eating dog, of course!) and drive in circles for awhile, listening to tunes, drinking, driving, bonding.
In a dialogue-free montage, Jin heads back to Sun with a flower and his newfound English skills. She gives him a bear hug when he tells her that those pants don't make her look fat. Charlie crashes in Claire's tent. Hurley drives his van in circles. Sawyer brings himself some beer. But really, beer without porn? What is the point? Sawyer mulls it over.
Meanwhile, Kate is by herself in the woods. Right. Kate. Oh yeah, plot movement. She finds something and peers around in the dark, ducking when she hears a noise. It's Sayid and Locke. They want to know why she didn't ask them for help, and she gives them two reasons: they didn't know where to look, and they lacked motivation. Huh. She doesn't blame them, though. Why would they want to truck across the island and risk more lives? And she knows they aren't motivated because they didn't come after the three of them when they were taken. Locke agrees about the motivation, but tells her they do know where to look because of the way the sunlight hit Mr. Eko's stick when John was burying him. Oh, yeah. Because that always works. That's how I got out of my last lease and my last relationship. Just as Kate is about to tell them what she's looking for, bullets fly past their heads. Kate tells them not to shoot, and yells into the woods that it's safe and they're just there to talk. Rousseau, who shoots first and asks questions later, emerges from the woods. Kate wants her to help them. Why? Because when The Others captured them, the girl who helped them escape was sixteen years old and named Alex, and Kate is pretty darn sure that she's Rousseau's daughter. Rousseau looks suitably impressed. But that's all the story progress we have time for this week, kids. Tune in week, when something might actually happen!