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Turns out Sawyer was sick of Charlie's having taken over the "Island's No. 1 asshole" ranking, and also he's mad that people took his stuff while he was on a raft, and he sets in motion an elaborate scheme to wrest some power, and possibly some beer, back from Jack and Locke, who have philosophical differences as to the use of guns. So Sawyer enlists Charlie, still smarting from the Claire dumpage and the Locke beatdown, to stage an attempted kidnapping of Sun. Then Sawyer plants the notion in Kate's mind that Ana-Lucia staged it to drum up recruits for her ninja army, since The Others agreed to leave the Lostaways alone and everything. This is a plausible theory, because why would the totally trustworthy Others lie? Well, whatever. So Kate puts some doubt in Jack's mind as to Ana-Lucia's motives. I don't know why Sawyer needed Kate to do this, since Jack decides it's time to grab some guns anyway, and Kate asks Sawyer to warn Locke about the posse coming down the hatch-hole. Locke gets Sawyer to keep an eye on the timer while he hides the guns -- only Sawyer has Charlie follow Locke, and now Sawyer's got the guns.
Too bad the present-day story was given away (the culprit anyway, if not the motivation) by the Sawyer flashbacks, in which he cons a woman out of $600,000 while pretending to teach her about the conning business. Sawyer might as well have spoken directly to the screen when he talked about getting people to do what you want by making them believe it's their idea. Sawyer does appear to have some genuine feelings for the mark. Which, if you think about it, kind of makes him even more of an asshole.
Also, how did Sawyer get Vincent to go along with the scheme? Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Locke opens the door to the hatch-hole armoury, and Jack walks in with his case full o' guns, and Locke asks if that's all of them, and Jack says all six are there, plus a box of ammo. Locke notes it's nice that they don't have to worry about running out any time soon (because the guns will be locked out of Ana-Lucia's reach?). Then he says he's "grateful" Jack decided to store the guns there. Because the guns belong to Jack and all.Jack glances up and sees the confiscated Virgin Junkie statues on the shelf. Locke notices him looking and says he had to confiscate them from Charlie. "His heroin stash. I figured it might have therapeutic value, if it ever came to that," he says. Jack asks if he was just going to leave them in the statues. Turns out Locke wasn't really interested in smashing open the statues, but Jack can, if he wants to. Or maybe there was a Danish cartoonist on Flight 815 who can do it.
Locke starts to leave, and Jack asks him for the combination. Locke hesitates, then launches into one of his sanctimonious soliloquies about how he's going to give Jack the benefit of the doubt (big of him) and assume he's asking for the combo in case Locke is ever incapacitated, and not because he doesn't trust Locke. "That it would be irresponsible for just one of us to have access to this room, rather than this being an issue of trust." Gotta say that it doesn't sound like Jack's the one with the trust issues, here, Locke. Jack just dryly notes that there are "a lot of cliffs" on this island. Niiiiiiice dig at Locke about Boone. Point for Jack! Locke stares at him for a moment, before nodding and then suggesting that they should agree to consult the other before opening the door. Jack readily agrees, as he's taking the key to the case from around his neck. "Right seven, left thirty-three, right eighteen," says Locke, and asks if Jack needs to write it down, and Jack all smug says that he's got it, like they have to turn even this into a dick-measuring thing. Jack starts to leave, but Locke stops him: "And Jack, you may want to consider locking the medicine in here too." Jack wants to know why he'd need to do that.
As if to answer, we cut to Sawyer, who's shirtless, strolling out of the surf and razzing Charlie, who's setting up a tent on the beach: "Well, well. Look who had to relocate from the suburbs!" He blathers on about how it's just like a woman: she keeps the house, while Charlie gets the crappy apartment. You know, the kind of garbage that's completely unacceptable from men with worse hair and softer stomachs. Charlie refuses to take his bait, even as Sawyer mockingly praises Charlie for sinking to a new low (meaning that he's hated even worse than Sawyer is now) with the baby-stealing and almost baby-drowning. "You even made Locke take a swing at you! Hell, that's like getting Gandhi to beat his kids." And then I had to stop working on the recap and go lie down for several hours because Locke was compared to Gandhi. Remember that time "Gandhi" conked Sayid on the head? Or was that Locke?
Charlie just calmly asks Sawyer if he shouldn't be more concerned about Jack ransacking his tent. Sawyer looks down the beach, and sure enough…
Sawyer angrily stomps over and demands to know what Jack's doing. Jack's just taking back the medicine that Sawyer apparently stole from the hatch, which Sawyer says he was just stealing back, or re-stealing, I guess, since it was in his stash when he left. "You don't have a stash anymore," says Jack, and Sawyer growls that Jack doesn't want to do this: "Just give me the pills, we'll forget it ever happened." Jack asks, "Are you threatening me?" kind of incredulously. Sawyer says, "Last chance, Doc," and intensifies the glare. Jack's all "later!" and strolls off; Sawyer seethes two holes into his back, thinking, "I wish I knew how to quit you."
Flashback, Sawyer's still shirtless, like this episode is going for some kind of record. He's in bed, either pre- or post-coital with a brunette whom he's nuzzling and asking, "What do you want, right now?" "Just you," she whispers. They make out a little bit, until his eye catches the clock on the night table. He says he's gotta go, or he'll be late for the meeting he told her about. She says, kiddingly, that if he's got another date, he can just say so. "I can only wrap my mind around one woman at a time," he says, getting dressed, "but I appreciate the permission." He grabs his briefcase, which opens, spilling bundles of money everywhere. "You weren't exactly supposed to see that," says Sawyer, chagrined. By which he means, she was supposed to see exactly that, and this is exactly like the other con he was pulling.
The difference here, though, is that she doesn't fall for it; she giggles and can't believe he's serious, that he just happens to have a suitcase full of cash and the lock just happens to break. Sawyer stares at her. She scootches forward on the bed and grabs some of the money from the floor, evading Sawyer as he tries to stop her, and discovers that it's not real money. "Are you trying to con me? What, I ask you what all the money's for and you do some song and dance about an investment or something, and then I say, 'Hey, you know, I've got some money'?" Sawyer sits on the end of the bed, listening, and then says, "Look, you got me. Good for you. No harm, no foul." He gets up to go, and she tells him that he should have done his homework, since she "didn't take anything from him in the divorce. I'm not even worth your trouble." Sawyer looks like this is news to him. "Shame on me," he says. And then, she says this: "I want you to show me what you do," and she crosses the room to get close and says, "Show me how you con people, Sawyer." Because asking the con man to get out would be a dumb idea, I suppose.
Back on Craphole Island, Sawyer's tidying up his tent, and Kate strolls up to tell him that she loves what he's done with the place, because Kate always has to make some kind of smart-ass remark when she shows up. She says she heard Jack took Sawyer's painkillers. Sawyer curtly says he and the doc are "on the outs" but that's one less Christmas card he has to send this year. One fewer, James. Kate squats down, tossing him a…hairstyling magazine, I guess, because Sawyer makes a sarcastic comment about how he'd love to read about how to feather his hair, but he lost his glasses on the raft. He suggests instead that Kate read it to him, which makes her smile. "What, you got an appointment or something?" he asks. This gives her a giggling fit for some reason, like maybe Kate is smoking up or something, and she then starts to read him some article about "10 Ways To Tell If He's A Sensitive Man."
Fortunately, we're interrupted by Locke, strolling by, saying "morning," and Kate says hi, and Sawyer slyly says that Locke's a sensitive man, and Kate says Claire asked him to sleep over there, and blah blah blah, Sawyer says Locke's got needs, as do they all, and he gives Kate the ol' hairy eyeball as he says this, like how much more enjoyable was Sawyer when he was shot and unconscious all the time? "Not everyone is like you, Sawyer," says Kate, and thank god for that. "Guess that's why Ol' Jacko and Ana-Lulu didn't ask me to join their revolution," says Sawyer, and I know it's kind of late to be complaining about this, but is Sawyer actually physically incapable of, like allergic to, referring to people by their actual names? Kate doesn't know what he's talking about, and is even more confused when Sawyer asks if she doesn't know about their little army. "Guess I'm not the only one on the outs with the doc," says Sawyer, satisfied.
Elsewhere, Sayid is thankfully at least one person on the island doing some work to ensure their survival. He's cracking open coconuts, so Hurley strolls up and asks if he's going to be the lime in the coconut and drink them both up, which I would have enjoyed more were it not for that recent mind-bogglingly annoying Coca-Cola with Lime campaign. Sayid either has no idea what Hurley's on about or he's decided to just ignore it. Whichever way, works for me. He finally just asks Hurley what he wants, and Hurley tells this rambling story about being over at Rose and Bernard's tent. Bernard's a dentist, which is treated as a throwaway line but I bet it turns out to be important later. "Well, that's not all he's been holding out on us. The guy picked up Boone's signal from the Norwegian plane." Sayid corrects that to "Nigerian." "Right. Anyhow, he picked it up with this," continues Hurley, and he holds up a radio. Sayid finally actually looks in Hurley's direction, and then snorts that he's got a short-wave radio, which he calls a "glorified walkie-talkie." Hurley wonders if Sayid can't maybe "switch a blue wire with a red wire" to make it stronger. I bet Hannibal could do it. "We tried to send a signal with the plane's transceiver and all we got was the French woman's transmission on a loop. Why would I bother?" snaps Sayid, who's really pissy, maybe because of his lack of screen time lately. Also, I love the way he says "the French woman" all the time instead of "Danielle." So Hurley tries to persuade Sayid, who keeps on pounding coconuts, until finally Hugo admits that he's just trying to cheer Sayid up. "I don't need cheering up," growls Sayid, and I hate to tell Sayid that he is way wrong on that score. Hurley apologizes, and walks away, leaving the radio behind. Sayid notices it, and for a second I thought he was going to hammer it down on his coconut-cracker.
Jack strolls through the jungle. Ana catches up with him, asks him if he got the combo. Jack nods. "Nice. I didn't think it would be easy convincing your pal to give it up." Jack finally deigns to turn and look at the person speaking to him. "That's the nice thing about you people: you're not scared enough," she continues, and Jack thinks that's funny, that she would think they're not scared enough. "Same reason we can't talk anyone into joining the army. Everyone around here actually thinks they're safe," says Ana. What do you propose, instituting a terror alert level system? Target your recruitment at the poor and uneducated Lostaways? "Trust me, Ana. No one thinks we're safe," says Jack, and he starts walking again. Ana catches up again, and asks him what the combination is. Jack just stares at her, until she finally says she was just kidding. Jack smiles, but he doesn't seem to think it's all that funny; it's more like a "you peoples is driving me crazy" type of smile.
Sun's working in her garden, having finally had her fill of sex with Jin, I suppose. There's rustling in the bushes, giving her pause. She goes back to work, then hears more rustling. Then she actually sees grass moving, but since not much of it is moving, it can't be Lostzilla. Maybe Lostzilla's son? Instead, it's Vincent, who leaps out of the bushes and runs around all over her garden, tail wagging furiously. Vincent knows where the garden is, hey? I think maybe they should post a guard on the garden to protect it from that fat bastard Vincent. But Sun seems happy to see him nonetheless. She speaks to him in Korean and smiles.
Then thunder rumbles, Sun looks up, and it starts pouring rain instantly. Suddenly someone jams a bag over her head, binds her wrists, and drags her away while she screams, and Vincent does nothing. I like Vincent and everything, he's quite a friendly dog. But he brings nothing to the table as far as I'm concerned. And if he doesn't start contributing something -- well, he'd be just as "friendly" with barbecue sauce and a side of slaw. I'm just saying.
Out on the beach, Sawyer's scrambling in out of the rain into his tent, and ordering Kate to do the same, but she says she's enjoying it. Sawyer drags her in anyway for some reason. Somehow, over all their nonsense, they hear Sun screaming, and they run off into the jungle towards her.
They find Sun, scratched up and unconscious, lying on the ground. Kate checks, discovers she's breathing, and Sawyer yells for her to go get Jack. He actually has to say it a couple of times, like, thanks for your help, Kate.
Sawyer carries Sun back to the beach, and Locke comes up, all concerned, wanting to know what happened. She "fell off a cliff," Locke. Sawyer takes Sun to her tent, and Jack's right there, asking if she was conscious or said anything. That's a big negatory, good buddy. Jin shows up, yelling in Korean, so Jack calms him down, telling him she's going to be all right. He asks Sawyer where he found her. "I heard her scream. Found her out in the jungle about half a click from here," he says. Kate says she was out cold and her hands were tied. "What do you mean her hands were tied?" asks Jack, even though I'm pretty sure English is his first language. "They're back," spits Ana-Lucia. Yes, and suddenly a lot more ineffectual than they have been up until now, apparently.
The tribal council is standing on the beach, and Locke's completely puzzled. "They told us they would leave us alone," he says. Yeah, how disillusioning it would be to find out they can't trust the Others. Jack snaps that the Others apparently broke their promise, but Locke is all wanting to give them the benefit of the doubt: "We don't even know what happened!" Sawyer silently watches the bickering. Ana asks Kate where they found her, and is told it was just outside her garden. "We should take a look around…with guns," says Ana-Lucia. Yeah, it's been days since she shot anybody; she must be going crazy. You know how when you read the fortune in a fortune cookie but add "…in bed" to the end of it to make it more entertaining? I think Ana-Lucia probably adds "…with guns" to the end of her sentences for the same reason: "We should go clubbing…with guns." "This week is a good time for you to make some decisions…with guns."
But Locke nixes that, seemingly against Jack's wishes: "If we arm up we're just as likely to shoot each other as we are one of them." Well, Ana-Lucia is, anyway. So Jack says they'll wait for Sun to wake up and tell them what happened -- and then they're going to do something about it. "Sounds like a plan," says Locke, and the group breaks up, Ana-Lucia looking disgusted about the general unwillingness of this group to shoot people. So…if they can't take guns with them, they're not going to check out the crime scene at all? That makes a lot of sense.
Well, Kate and Sawyer will. They're walking in the jungle, discussing whether it's even worth it, since, as Kate points out, the Others usually don't leave any trail. Sawyer asks her if the whole scenario makes any sense to her: "Think about it. First off, how'd she get away? The woman doesn't weigh 100 pounds soaking wet." Kate figures that Sun was fighting for her life, and when that's the case, "people are capable of almost anything." Sawyer points out, "You couldn't get away. You versus Sun -- hot oil death match -- my money's on you, Sheena." Is that a spoiler for a sweeps episode?
Sawyer spots something hanging on a branch, and it's a hood -- just like, Kate notes, the one the Others put over her head. "No, it's not. This one's black, different weave. It's all in the details -- and they're wrong." Yes, it's odd that the feral tribe on the deserted island don't have a matching set of kidnap hoods to use, but I'm sure they get by, Sawyer. Kate seems to buy this nonsense, though: "Well, if it wasn't them, then who?" Sawyer just looks at her. She's incredulous: "What are you saying, one of us did it? Who the hell would want to go after Sun?" Sawyer says there's not much "upside" to scaring the crap out of 46 people. "Unless you're trying to con them into joining an army." And they stare at each other, without either of them answering a fairly crucial question: Exactly what does Ana-Lucia gain by having more people train with her and Jack?
Flashback to Sawyer scribbling $1,299 and $1,399 on price tags attached to some crappy necklaces. At some point, I forget when, we learn that this woman's name is Cassidy, so I'm just going to start calling her that now. She's quite the pessimist, pointing out that the necklaces are junk. "A five-year-old could tell that." Cassidy, you're coming dangerously close to figuring out what a "con" actually is. Sawyer: "They ain't going to be looking at the necklaces; they're going to be looking at the price tags. It's all in the details, Dimples." Sure thing, Stubble. Cassidy wants to know what happens if they get caught, but Sawyer says they won't, as he puts a Band-Aid on across his nose. "Anybody goes to the cops, the only thing they're going to remember is a guy that looks like he's been in a bar fight." Cassidy admits that she's a little scared. "Well, here's the good news, baby: everybody's scared. The thing they're scared of most is missing an opportunity." That's some real deep bullshit, Sawyer.
We're at "Eric's Expert Service," and apparently Eric believes providing "expert service" means "self-serve," which is what one guy's doing, pumping gas into a red convertible, and his buddy (or perhaps life partner) is coming out of the store with bags of chips and whatnot. Sawyer furtively approaches, asking them if they want to buy some necklaces. He shows them the necklaces, draped across jeweller's velvet. One dude asks where Sawyer got them. "Where do you think?" snaps Sawyer, but I guess politeness isn't really a necessity in his line of work. Sawyer asks if they want to buy them or not, but they're unsure, so Sawyer says to forget it and starts walking away.
Then Cassidy strolls up, asking how much. Oh, I see. So if this were the video for "Say, Say, Say," Cassidy would be Michael Jackson and Sawyer would be Paul McCartney. Sawyer says they're a hundred bucks each, so Cassidy looks them over and buys two. Again Sawyer starts to leave, but he's called back by the dudes, who then ad-lib the following: "It's Gina's birthday week." "They love their jewelry." Crazy bitches loves they bling-bling! Nice work on the improv, guys. ["Nice work totally noticing Cassidy had the right amount of money already out and ready to hand him. Not. Talk about plays a five-year-old could spot; she didn't even look down." -- Sars] Sawyer and Cassidy smile at each other. I can't say for sure, not being a con artist, but I don't think it's a bright idea to share private smiles with your accomplice while the con is still going on.
Back on Craphole Island, Jack's taking Sun's pulse, which he tells Jin is strong. They need to watch her, but she's going to be okay. Jack leaves, and Jin takes Sun's hand, likely thinking that her neck is a little too uncovered for his liking.
Jack's getting water, and Kate's already there waiting to annoy him, by which I mean "talk to him." She asks Jack if he thinks Sun fell or that someone hit her, but Jack doesn't know. So then Kate asks how well he knows Ana-Lucia. He looks at her, but doesn't answer. "It's just…the Others. I was out there with you. I heard that man say that if we stayed away they'd leave us alone. And we've left them alone. So why would they attack us a few days later?" I'm really not enjoying the fact that the suspicion necessary to the plot of this episode requires everyone to accept as read that the Others are trustworthy. Jack asks the same question Kate did: "Well, if it wasn't them, then who was it?" Kate just looks at him: "Like I said, how well do you know Ana-Lucia?" Jack can't even be bothered to answer; he just stomps off.
Of course, Ana-Lucia doesn't exactly seem too broken up about the attack on Sun, because as she walks along the beach with Jack, she's practically gleeful about saying that after the attack a few more people are interested in joining up, and then she makes the Steve/Scott running gag mistake, which with her makes NO sense since Scott was dead long before she showed up. "The point is, after what happened people are finally willing to do something," she says. So Jack just asks point-blank where she was this morning. She says, "Lots of places," and he asks about specifically during the rainstorm. "You think I had something to do with Sun getting grabbed? Now where would you get an idea like that?" But before we can get a chance for Michelle Rodriguez to show off her "angry and confrontational" range for the first time ever, Claire (carrying Aaron) comes running up to tell Jack that Sun's awake.
Back at the tent, Jin's looking after Sun, who's trying to sit up. Jack asks about her head, if there's any pain or dizziness. Considering the huge gash on her forehead, that's a pretty safe bet. She says she remembers working in the garden when Vincent ran up. "Then it started raining, and there was a bag over my head, and I was being dragged," she says. I'd like to point out that now Vincent, suspiciously, is nowhere to be found. Jack asks how many of them there were, but Sun says she didn't see anything. Jin angrily speaks to her in Korean, and she responds, and then tells Jack in English that she kicked and fought and ran as fast as she could, but fell. Jin, again with the unsubtitled Korean, and Sun responding, and then Jin's English lessons pay off once again, as he turns to Jack and says, "Gun!" He says it three times, so maybe he wants three guns. Or maybe, in Korean, "gun gun gun" means, "Let's lose our shirts over this, not our heads."
A short ways away, Sawyer's sitting on the beach, poking at a campfire or something. Kate joins him and asks what's going on, like she wouldn't be over there herself sticking her nose in. "It looks like the good folks of Island Town are about to form a posse, get themselves armed up. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if Jack didn't find that horse of yours and start leading the charge in a big white hat."
At this moment, Ana-Lucia happens to glance over at the two of them. And then there is this really kind of weird shot of Kate looking directly at the camera, and she's making a face that's some kind of cross between "I'm thinking really hard about what's going on here" and "Did Sawyer just fart?" Then she has it: "The guns. This is all her play to get her hands on the guns." She tells Sawyer that he needs to go tell Locke that the posse is saddling up and heading his way. Sawyer seems reluctant, so she says "please," and he finally looks like he's going to go.
Flashback to Cassidy in the shower, Sawyer in the bathroom brushing his teeth. Cassidy wants to know what their play is, and Sawyer says he'll show her the "pigeon drop." "We already did that. Twice. And the Tulsa Bag Scam and the Lookie-Loo. I want to do a big one," she says, and maybe that is a sly dig at Sawyer. "You want to do a big what?" says Sawyer, as Cassidy gets out of the shower and starts toweling off. "A big con," she says. Sawyer chuckles. "It's called a long con," he says. She asks how it works. "It works by getting someone to ask you to do something like it's their idea, but it's not their idea, it's your idea. But none of that matters, because the one thing you need for the long con, we ain't got -- money." I hope everyone was paying attention to that "getting someone to do something like it's their idea" business, 'cause it's kind of key. Of course, it's not exactly news to anyone who's seen a con movie before. Cassidy says she has money, and Sawyer breaks it to her that forty thousand in a mutual fund isn't money. She admits she "kind of lied" when she said she didn't get anything from the divorce. "'Kind of lied' how much?" asks Sawyer. Six hundred thousand, says Cassidy. Sawyer pretends to be surprised, as though it wasn't "kind of" obvious that he's known all along. "Well, hell, baby, with that kind of money let's go find an island somewhere and sit on a beach drinking mojitos 'til we go toes up." Any Sawyer apologist who thinks he was trying to give her an out with that line should remember that line about making someone think it was her own idea. She pleads with him, telling him that for the first time in her life she's happy, and it's because of Sawyer, and blah blah blah, and begs for one long con. "And then the mojitos," she says. Sawyer says he'll think about it, and Cassidy drags him into the bedroom? Shower? so he can think about it in there. Or, more likely, have sex with her.
In the hatch, Locke's pulling a book called Owl Creek Bridge from the bookcase and rifling through it when Sawyer strolls in. And even though I was kidding when I told you that the first word on Pages 4, 8, 15 etc. of The Third Policeman formed an interesting sentence, I'm totally serious this time. Get Owl Creek Bridge and check the first word on Pages 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42. I mean it. "Hate to interrupt whatever the hell it is you're doing," says Sawyer. Locke glances at him. "What are you doing?" Locke throws the book on a table with a bunch of others. "I'm alphabetizing," he says, clearly lying. Sawyer jokes that after Sun gets attacked in the jungle is a good time to start the "damn Dewey decimal system."
"How can I help you, James?" asks Locke, ruffling Sawyer a little bit by using his real name, and Sawyer says he's here to give John a heads-up about the posse heading his way for some firepower, after what happened to "Tokyo Rose," showing once again his winning cultural sensitivity. "And once those guns are out and about…something tells me they ain't never going back in." Locke wants to know why Sawyer's telling him this. "'Cause it'll piss off Jack," is the answer. Well, that's finally some plausible motivation. Sawyer suggests Locke change the combination, but Locke perplexingly says that won't work, because if Jack wants to get in, he'll get in. By ripping the door from its hinges? Instead, Locke gets an idea, which is totally his own idea: he asks Sawyer to help him move the guns. "Move them where?" asks Sawyer, but Locke doesn't answer. "Fine. You don't want to trust me? Lots of luck." He starts to leave, and Locke says he can't leave the hatch unmanned. Saywer "reluctantly" says, "Sure, you move the guns and I'll stay here and push your damn button for you." Locke asks how long before the posse arrives. "Well, that ain't my problem, hoss. It's yours," says Sawyer.
Flashback. Sawyer's sitting in a diner, and the waitress drops off a steak sandwich and two beers. We hear someone all thrilled that Sawyer got him a beer. And hey! It's Kevin Dunn…who I know mainly from playing a friend that Jerry wanted to dump on an early episode of Seinfeld. Sawyer tells the guy that if he wants a beer to "ask the lady," which he does, as well as ordering some chicken salad, white meat only, and "for god's sake" no celery, like how obnoxious is this guy? The waitress, who we now see is Kate's mom Diane, coolly replies that that's how they make it here. Sawyer's buddy sits down. "So. Tell me you got her," he says. And Sawyer reluctantly says that he got her. "All six hundred grand?" asks Buddy. Yep. Oh. They're "revealing" that this is all a con. What a "twist." Buddy figures out from Sawyer's general pissiness that he's fallen for the mark. "I found that bitch!" Buddy says, and Sawyer says, "Her name is Cassidy." Oh, and also, he won't do it. And Buddy lectures Sawyer on hormones and thinking he's in love when he's not, and "a tiger doesn't change his stripes," and blah blah blah, and Sawyer's a con man and can't change that, and when Cassidy finds out who Sawyer really is, she'll hate his guts. Really? She knows he's a con man. Seems to me she'll only hate his guts if he cons her, and Sawyer seems reluctant to do that. So when he gets up to go, Buddy gets up with him to tell him he's not walking away now. "You owe me! You don't wanna pay me? I'll put one in your ear, James. You and your little friend Cassidy." Sawyer glares at him.
Down in the hatch-hole, Sawyer's snapped out of his daydream by the beeping of the timer. He's in the computer room, and the timer's at 3:50, counting down. He starts entering the numbers as Jack and Jin come in. Jack wants to know what he's doing here, and Sawyer tells him he's this close to getting the high score on Donkey Kong. Jin speaks urgently to Jack; he has no time for Donkey Kong! Sawyer finishes putting in the numbers and the timer resets. "Now, what can I do you for?" Jack asks where Locke is, and Sawyer says he said something about going to the store for some cigarettes. And he smirks. on ABC: Smirking and Glaring: The Sawyer Story.
Jack opens the armoury, only to find it as empty as a fireworks shop on the fifth of July. Even the Virgin Marys are gone. "Uh oh, looks like we got ourselves a theft. Who's gonna call the cops?" says Sawyer. Jack asks where the guns are, and Sawyer, swallowing a pill, says he was just pushing buttons. That's true on many levels, especially as he holds up the pills and says he thinks they belong to Jack, and then tosses him the bottle. Jack decides, "First do some harm," and steps forward to fight Sawyer, but Jin stops him.
It's night, on the beach. Locke's sitting by a fire. Ana-Lucia is sharpening a stick, what with the guns being unavailable to her at the moment. Jack stomps up and starts yelling about Locke moving the guns. "We had an agreement!" he yells. "An agreement that you were about to violate, Jack. Yes, I moved the guns," says Locke. Jack was "about" to violate the agreement, so you did it first, Locke? I find it really interesting that Locke accepted what Sawyer said unquestioningly. And I'd like to point out that the agreement was to consult each other before getting the guns out, and that when Jack came down the hatch-hole, his first move was to ask where Locke was. He didn't go straight for the guns. But I guess since Sawyer's proven himself so trustworthy in the past, Locke didn't really have any reason not to believe him, right?
But anyway, Jack asks where the guns are, and gets a big lecture from John about who gets the guns, and how many, et cetera. By this point, people have started to gather around. "How much time before there's an accident? Another accident? I made a mistake teaching Michael how to shoot and now he's…he could be dead for all I know. And that, that was my fault. I take responsibility for that, and so, yes, I'm taking responsibility for the guns too." 'Bout time Locke started taking responsibility for something. Jack wants two guns, but Locke's all, no way! "Two guns! Now tell me where they are, right now!" yells Jack.
Well, one of them's very near by, as we hear a few shots being fired. And all the Lostaways stand around waiting to see who might be shooting at them, instead of taking cover. It's Sawyer, strolling out of the bushes. Jack's really pissed now, and says to Locke, "You gave him the guns." "No…" says Locke, and just the way he says it cracks me up. Locke says he hid them.
"That's right, Jack. He's as stupid as you are," says Sawyer. Oh, god, here comes the diatribe, which he addresses to everyone. He starts bitching about everybody taking his stuff. "While I was off trying to get us help -- get us rescued -- you found my stash and you took it, divvied it up. My shaving cream, my batteries, even my beer." You know, Sawyer, I really hope the irony's not lost on you. "And then something else happened: you decided these two boys here were going to tell you what to do and when to do it. Well, I'm done taking orders." He says he doesn't want his stuff back because it doesn't matter. "The only thing that matters now are guns. And if you want one, you're going to have to come to me to get it!" Then Sawyer goes off on Sayid and how Sayid probably wants to torture him, and Sawyer says he'll die before he gives the guns back, which I doubt quite highly. Seems to me Sawyer's already shown he can be broken. Then he slings the rifle onto his shoulder, and actually says, "New sheriff in town, boys! You-all best get used to it," addressing that last bit directly at the camera. Well, I'd figured Sawyer was up to something, but I wasn't sure why. Now we find out it's because he's a whiny crybaby. And now he's got the guns. Still, I don't think he's got any less claim to the leadership than the rest of these egomaniacs.
So flashback to Cassidy at home, pacing around the dining room table, which looks like most dining room tables, except this one has an open briefcase with, I'm guessing, six hundred thousand dollars in it. Sawyer stomps in the front door, looking upset. Cassidy asks him what's wrong, and he points out the window to a black car sitting in the driveway. "His name's Gordy, my partner." "What partner?" Sawyer says that if he doesn't walk out the front door with the briefcase in the two minutes, he and Cassidy are both dead. Cassidy's pretty confused, asking if this guy isn't the dude from the Mercado deal. "There is no Mercado deal! I knew about the six hundred grand you had tucked away from the get-go. Cass…you were the long con."
As one would expect, she doesn't react well to this news, and starts hitting him, telling him to go to hell, that sort of thing, and he tries telling her that everything's that happened between them in the past was real. Cassidy shoves him and tells him to get out (I don't mean like Elaine Benes does). Sawyer says she can hate him all she wants later, but right now she's gotta listen. "He's going to kill us -- because I told him I wasn't going to take your money." And Cassidy believes this. Why, I'll never know. But he starts putting the money from the suitcase into a duffle bag, and tells her to go out the back door, to a rental car. She's to go to Sioux City, and check in at the Sage Flower Motel, off Highway 29. He gives her the duffle bag. "Watch TV, have a drink, and wait for me. I'll be there in the AM. It'll all be over."
He hustles her out the back door, even as she says she wants to pack a few things, but he tells her there's no time. "Remember when you said I was all you ever wanted? Well, now you know better," he says. What, because she figured she'd grab her toothbrush? Then, digging deep, Sawyer gets all choked up and tells her he loves her. "I love you too," she says, and he tells her to go, which she does, and he goes back inside.
Back on the beach, Sawyer's polishing his rifle, and that's not a euphemism or anything, don't worry. Kate strolls up, asks how he did it, and she's half-smiley about it, like Sawyer is just being his irrepressible bad-boy self again. Sawyer pretends not to know what she's talking about. "Locke said that he left you in the hatch when he went to hide the guns, and we both know you can't track worth a damn. So how'd you get them?" Sawyer says a magician never tells his secrets. Kate actually looks pretty sad now. "You played us. You played me. All that stuff you said about Ana-Lucia…you knew I'd go to Jack, and you knew I'd ask you to go to Locke." She asks if he had anything to do with Sun. He glares at her. "What kind of person do you think I am?" he says. Seems, we're finding out, aren't we, James. She starts yelling at him about how this is nothing to do with getting his stash back; she thinks he wants people to hate him. She asks why he has to do this. "You run, I con. Tiger don't change their stripes," he says. Kate just stares at him, looking hurt, for a long while, before getting up and walking away.
Elsewhere, Hurley is by a fire, doing something that's apparently part of some lame marketing/licensing thing, so I'm going to ignore it. Sayid strolls up, and he's got a pole and the short-wave radio. And the stars behind him look incredibly fake for some reason. He shows Hurley the radio, and Hurley gets all excited that Sayid fixed it. "We'll see," says Sayid, handing Hurley the radio. "Don't expect anything. The chances of getting a signal are slim at best." He sticks the pole in the sound, and turns on the radio, getting nothing but static. Hurley thinks that's a good sign, but Sayid quickly disabuses him of that idea, telling him that reception is what they want. Hurley yelps in excitement when a voice suddenly comes crackling through, and Sayid adjusts until he gets someone from WXO telling his listeners about the Duke Ellington song he just played, and that "Moonlight Serenade" by The Glenn Miller Orchestra is up , which always makes me think of Grampa Simpson.
Hurley says, "Whoa," as he listens, theorizing that the broadcast must be close by. Killjoy Sayid tells him that radio waves at this frequency bounce off the ionosphere and can travel thousands of miles. I have no idea if that's true or not, but I used to be able to pick up a Boston radio station in the Yukon, so sounds good. Plus, I find it best to forget about "plausibility" when I watch this show. Sayid says the broadcast could be coming from anywhere. ["…In the eastern U.S. Not that I blame Sayid for not knowing what an initial call letter W means, but it did seem like an obvious thing for someone to acknowledge." -- Sars] "Or any time," deadpans Hurley. Sayid looks at him, before Hurley grins and says, "Just kidding, dude." Sayid barely even smiles. He's been pretty grumpy lately, but I'm going to figure that it's because Shannon died really recently, despite how far we are into the season. How nice for one of the actors to be able to keep in mind that an actual week (and sometimes two or three or four) doesn't pass on Craphole Island between episodes.
The camera pans up into the night sky, which becomes the jungle grass. Nice. Sawyer's making his way through the grass, and in my opinion not doing enough to make sure he isn't being followed. He looks around, expectantly, and Charlie, hood up, steps out of the darkness. "He never saw you, huh?" says Sawyer. "He was more worried about your sodding guns than being followed," says Charlie quietly. Sawyer holds out a Virgin Mary, saying he figured Charlie'd want his "friends" back. Charlie says that if he'd wanted them, he would have taken them before he told Sawyer where the guns were: "That's not why I did it." Sawyer wants to know why, although I'm thinking Sawyer knows exactly why and that's why he enlisted Charlie in the first place. Still, Charlie says, "I wanted him to look like a fool. To feel like a fool." Sawyer says that it looks like Locke has a "nemesis," but Charlie's more interested in making sure Sun never finds out what he did to her. You know what? You ought to be more concerned that Jin never finds out what you did to Sun. Although I presume he will at some point before the end of the season. Maybe then we'll find out what "Gun gun gun!" means. Sawyer tells him not to sweat it, that the Lostaways have bigger things to worry about now.
But they're not done: Charlie asks what made Sawyer do all this. "How does someone think of something like this?" Sawyer says, "By way of answer, watch the final flashback!"
Back to Sawyer telling Cassidy to go. She does, and Sawyer walks out the front to the black car, and we tellingly have not seen Gordy at all. So Sawyer gets in the passenger side, waits a moment, and looks over at…no one. There's no one there, even though Sawyer is actually glaring at the empty air. Then he counts to himself, quietly: "One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi…" and we still hear him counting "five Mississippi" as he re-enters the house, strolls into the dining room, and retrieves from under the table a black duffle bag, filled with presumably the actual six hundred grand.
And he goes to leave again, but in case you're wondering whether he was kidding about having at least some feelings for Cassidy, he notices a picture of the two of them together, and he stares at it for a long time before turning it face-down.
But shit, that makes things worse, if you ask me. He told her about the scam and got her out of harm's way? He could have done that and let her keep the money. He didn't. He conned her. He's a bigger prick than Charlie is.
Or, as he puts it to Charlie back on Craphole Island, "I'm not a good person, Charlie. Never did a good thing in my life." Charlie stares at him, horrified. Shut it, Charlie. I'm still mad at you.