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Things I was right about: training ninjas! Things I was wrong about: Hurley and Libby, sitting in a tree. But time I'm going to miss an episode, I'm going to double-check the spoilers and see if any upcoming episodes predominantly features a) Charlie, b) dream sequences, c) adult Charlie in a diaper. Because the only thing I can think of that would make me enjoy an episode less would be some of American Idol's way-too-into-it white girls grunt-singing "Black Velvet" with their eyes closed. Charlie, you leave me crying in the aisle, what with your flashbacks about your brother being a dick and selling the piano that was given to you by your mother with the all-purpose United Kingdom accent. And Charlie has his visions of Aaron being in danger, and his response is to kidnap the kid a few times, because this is sure to get him back into Claire's good books. And while we're on the subject of Claire, she might want to think about a beauty manual called Plane Crashes, Island Births, and Dumping Junkie Rock-Star Has-Beens: How to Look Absolutely Fucking Incredible. Locke thinks Charlie's back on the heroin, which is understandable, because Charlie is as we all know the very first person to have visions. Maybe this is as good a measure as any as to how dissatisfied I was with this episode: when Locke punches Charlie at the end, I didn't even enjoy it. You know where I stand on punching Charlie vs. not punching Charlie. What you might not know is that I've pitched to ABC a Lost spin-off called Punching Charlie: The Series (I'm waiting to hear back). But when Locke's fist hit Charlie's face all I could think of was that Charlie is their friend, that he's in agony, and it just as easily be any one of them in Charlie's position. Having said that, if I had some advice for Charlie, it would be to give Claire a little space. And, you know, stop kidnapping Aaron. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
We open on a shot of a massive oil painting. If it is a famous one, I'm afraid I am letting you down, as I didn't recognize it, but I never claimed to be an art expert. However, I have it on good authority (i.e. Professor Google) that it is "The Baptism of Christ" by Verrocchio). What I do know is that the dude there in the middle is Jesus, or perhaps Johnny Damon before the trade, so this painting dates back at least a couple of months. We pan over to bunny-slippered feet padding excitedly down carpeted stairs. It's a tow-headed little moppet in plaid pajamas, and he rushes into the living room. There's a Christmas tree surrounded by presents. After the painting, I wasn't exactly expecting to see a menorah, I have to admit.There's an older boy there already excitedly opening presents, and the younger lad -- oh, let's just call him Charlie -- starts grabbing presents himself, only to find that they're all tagged for "Liam," who has ripped open one gift to find Voltron. Thing is, it's actually a G.I. Joe, but I guess in the U.K. they call G.I. Joe "Voltron." I didn't know that. "Where are MY presents?" whines Charlie. Selfish crybaby even then, hey?
But a bathrobed mommy has just entered to say, "Right over here, Charlie," like I guess she didn't want to leave the eight-ball under the tree. Actually, over to the side is something large covered in blankets and brown paper. Underneath is an upright piano, which Young Charlie is quite thrilled to have. I think I was about Young Charlie's age when we got a piano, and I have to say I wasn't nearly so thrilled as Charlie is. Guess the music and/or heroin bug hadn't bitten me. Yet. "Father Christmas must have known how talented you are!" says Mom. And he brought the piano anyway, you mean? Mommy calls Charlie "special," and I think by the time this series ends, every character will have been described this way. "Someday you'll get us out of here. All of us," she says, and I imagine that eventually we'll find out whatever became of Mommy. Hope Charlie helped you escaped your hellish existence wherein you, as an apparently single mother, can afford to give pianos for Christmas presents. "Yes, c'mon, baby brothah," we hear from over by the tree, and when Charlie turns, his brother Liam is his grown-up junkie rock star self, and apparently wearing a diaper. So we're doing the dream sequence, are we? Great. That's always a winner. Like Lost isn't incomprehensible enough on its own. "You can't save your family if you don't play," he says, and goes back to playing with his "Voltron." And now Young Charlie is Adult Charlie. Another exhortation from Mom to play. And now there is a butcher in the living room, and I mean complete with bloody meat on a butcher block and a huge cleaver. "Dad?" says Charlie. We don't see the butcher's face as he harangues Charlie about needing to learn a trade. How interesting that they're giving a character on this show some daddy issues. It's about time they explored this theme, don't you think? And Butcher Daddy then chops the head off a doll (some obscure Beatles reference?), so am I to take it that Daddy wasn't an actual butcher but more of a performance-artist butcher? Liam, who is by now lying down on the couch, sarcastically asks Charlie to save them, and his mother sincerely says it, and Charlie turns back from the piano, and I swear that if he starts plinking out "Heart and Soul" then I will take that cleaver myself and bury it in his skull.
And Charlie begins to tinkle out some chords, and he's playing it like when a hair band plays a ballad and so the drummer steps out from behind the kit to play some basic chord progression (I'm thinking like Tommy Lee and "Home Sweet Home," in that vein) and any fingers of his that aren't actually depressing keys are sticking straight out all rigid, which ought to earn him a slap across the knuckles by his piano teacher.
So we pull back out from the piano, and now Charlie is playing the piano on Lostaway Beach, and the waves are rolling in around him, and the damper pedal is now a literally true thing. And then we hear some baby crying from the…place…where the strings and hammers are, which name you'd think I'd know after all my lessons, but I do not. ["I always called it the case, but I don't know if that's the formal term." -- Sars] But I always preferred playing the piano with the lid open anyway, with the louder, fuller sound, an added bonus to which I can see now that I can easily rescue any crying babies that get stuck back there. Charlie's wishing he could open the lid to save Aaron, because what other crying baby is going to be stuck in the hallucinatory piano on the beach in some kind of weird Harry Connick Jr. mixed with Chris Isaak video? And then the piano tips over and it is now washing out to sea, and the piano might want to think about waiting an hour before going out in the water because it just ate a baby.
And then Charlie looks around, and seems concerned. Instead of relieved to find out it was just a dream? No, he's freaked that maybe something's wrong with Aaron, so he goes looking for him, and doesn't see him in the crib, and you'd think the fact that Claire wasn't there either would calm him down somewhat, but he goes yelling at Sun, who's hanging up laundry, to ask if she knows where Claire and the baby are. Sun's all, right over there, because apparently Charlie couldn't be arsed to even look, that's how frantic he is to find them, that he won't actually look. Because there's Claire, the yummy mommy, holding Aaron on the beach, glowing in the light of the setting sun. Charlie watches for a moment, relieved -- and then Locke has to show up and appear to be friends with her, of all things, and Charlie puts on a stalker glare and watches the two of them, and then slinks back into the shadows. His precioussss…
Claire's tending to Aaron in his crib. Charlie strolls up with some cloth diapers (in the U.K. they call them "shite-bags"). And he tries to be as non-stalkerly as possible as he gives them to her, and she looks apprehensive but thanks him, because clean shite-bags are always welcome, and goes back to tending to Aaron. Please stop there, Charlie, before you scr-- oh, fine. He asks if Aaron has been asking after him. Since Aaron is what, two days old? I'm fuzzy on the timeline. Anyway, I'm assuming Charlie is joking. But Claire is not in the mood for Charlie's whinging that he wants things to go back to the way they were before, so she points out that the way things were before was that they were strangers on a plane, and then they became friends. "And now Locke is your friend," mutters Charlie, and Claire glares at him like he just made a MILF joke. She tells him she needs space, which usually heads off potential stalkers, as I understand it. Charlie stands up. Even Aaron from the crib is giving him the stink-eye. "See ya, mate. Take care of your mum, now." Oh, we're all crying, Charlie.
Flashback to another little baby, this one dressed in pink in a maternity ward. Charlie shows up to look through the maternity ward showroom window or whatever it's called, and he's got his aviator shades on indoors, so this is definitely Junkie Charlie we're looking at. He smiles, gives a little wave at the little girl, takes his sunglasses off. He's greeted by baby's mom, who Charlie's surprised to see isn't lying down, but the glowing new mom just had to see her daughter again. "Isn't she brilliant?" she coos. At that age, it's hard to tell, but since the baby isn't currently engaged in attempting to stuff her foot into her mouth, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. Charlie seems to agree. "She's beautiful, Karen," says Charlie, and Karen says, "Her name's Meghan," and initially I thought that Karen said, "My name's Meghan," and maybe Liam was fathering children all over the place and Junkie Charlie couldn't keep them all straight. Speaking of Liam, Karen asks where he is. Charlie looks at her, trying to think of an answer. That's all she needs for her to look suddenly downcast, and says, "He isn't here." The look on her face indicates that it's not the first time Liam hasn't been there. Charlie quickly blurts out some excuse about the two of them taking separate vehicles from the club in Dresden, Charlie in a cab and Liam in a van with the gear, and Liam blew a tire. But he's on the flight! promises Charlie, and Karen looks like she knows Charlie's lying but wants to believe him anyway, and just asks if Liam's okay. Charlie needs to learn how to lie a little bit better, I think; his eyes bounce around like little mini-superballs before he says, "He's great!"
Now we're back at Charlie's flat, and the elevator opens up in a wall decorated with a painting of the Union Jack, only the lines are all wavy. Charlie probably painted it when he was high. As Charlie comes in, we see the piano from his childhood against a wall, upon which hangs a "The Drive Across America Tour" poster. More like "The Suck Across America Tour." There's a cigarette left burning on top of the piano, which pisses Charlie off, because heroin is one thing but smokers are worse than Hitler, and he stubs it out, and then it occurs to him that it must mean that Liam's back. Sure enough, there's Liam, unconscious on the couch, arm tied off. Charlie shakes him awake, and yells at him that he's supposed to be cleaning up, and Liam calls him "baby brothah" which I'm starting to think is required in every single scene that Liam shares with Charlie. Charlie bitches that he told Karen that Liam missed his flight, and here's Liam getting high, and Charlie's so angry, you'd think he thought Liam actually did miss his flight; was he that surprised to find Liam fixing? Charlie gathers up Liam's works and stares at the little baggie, and Liam's all, "Don't worry; I left you some," which seems to be insulting to Charlie for god only knows what reason, and he snaps that Liam needs to shower and get to the hospital, and oh, by the way, you have a daughter. Way to ruin the surprise, Charlie. "Her name's Meghan," he adds. Liam stops, and a smile breaks across his face. "After Mum?" Charlie smiles a little too. "Yeah, after Mum. Now clean yourself up. You're a sodding father now." I love the way the dirtiest British slang can be used on American television with no Senate committees struck to look into culture's complete slide into amorality.
Back on Craphole Island, Kate is somehow qualified to do what looks like physical therapy with gimpy Sawyer. Hurley's sitting there watching them, and he asks Sawyer if he got to know the "Tailies" very well when he was over on the other side of the island. "Well enough, why?" says Sawyer, even though it seems to me that he was unconscious and/or getting hit by Ana-Lucia for the vast majority of his time over there. "That Libby chick seems pretty cool," says Hurley, as nonchalantly as he can. Kate tries to suppress a smile, and Sawyer looks over at him slyly. "I mean, is she?" finishes Hurley, and Sawyer teases him about a "love connection" brewing, and Hurley pretends that he's just asking. "I hear ya asking," says Sawyer, and Hurley just gets flustered and says forget it and stomps off. Kate smilingly asks why Sawyer's acting like he's in junior high. Junior high would be a step up for this crew, if you ask me. Speaking of acting like they're in junior high, Sawyer looks over to where Ana-Lucia and Jack are walking out of the jungle, and says that's the third time he's seen them coming out of there. He has a hall of fame smirk on when he asks Kate what she supposes they're doing in there. Training ninjas and (I assume) drinking. Kate just tells him to keep doing his exercises, doing her best to pretend it doesn't bother her.
It's a rare Charlie Pace solo unplugged concert on the beach! Only no one's there to watch him. Maybe he didn't pass out enough flyers. Actually, he probably told everyone, which would explain the lack of audience. But good thing he's there, because he hears crying and sees Aaron's cradle riding the waves out to sea. It's safe to say that in most cases when you hear a crying baby in a cradle heading out on the surf, you should probably do something about that. But somehow Charlie can't tell that this is a dream sequence, so he strips off his shirt and starts swimming out to the cradle, which I guess he thinks Locke attached pontoons to so that it can float like that. And he's yelling to Aaron that he's coming, and the funny thing is that right after he says this, these two little baby arms stick out from the cradle and start paddling furiously away from him.
So now Charlie's hauling the cradle in, and he's not exactly being gentle about it, slinging it around like a sack of potatoes as he sets it down on the sand and gathers Aaron into his arms. Aaron looks none the worse for his watery adventure.
The dream sequence becomes a little more obvious when Charlie looks up the beach and sees Claire and his mother posed (and dressed) like the women in the painting of his childhood home -- they even have halos! Charlie's rather delighted to see his mom, even if the whole scene is now bathed in a sepia tone, and then he gets concerned when they start repeating over and over that the baby is in danger and that he has to save the baby; he also clearly seems to be thinking, "But…I just saved the baby!" There's a flash, and with a neat little shadow effect, a dove appears to fly out of the painting-sky, past Charlie and out to sea.
Then Hurley shows up, dressed like Jesus, or perhaps John the Baptist, which is probably not something that I'll ever have to write again, in another recap. Hay-zeus Hurley wants to know what Charlie's doing. This snaps Charlie out of his hallucination; it's now dark. However, Charlie is still indeed standing in the surf holding Aaron in his arms. "It's the middle of the night. What are you doing with the baby?" Sometimes, when Hurley calls someone "dude," you know that he's being serious. I think here, when he isn't calling Charlie "dude," that he's really concerned.
Up by the trees, we hear Claire start to make a fuss as she notices Aaron's gone, and Hurley yells over that it's okay, and then like all the Lostaways are instantly awake and running over, and Charlie realizes this, you know, kinda looks bad. Claire's freaking as Charlie hands Aaron to her, and he stammers that he doesn't know what happened, but Aaron's okay, and Charlie had a dream, and he's thankfully interrupted with a slap in the face from a distraught Claire, who fixes Charlie with a look of equal parts anger and contempt. Ready to give her some space now, Charlie? This isn't a romantic comedy; not even Matthew McConaughey would be able to get away with baby-snatching, so don't think this is getting you back into Claire's good books.
Hurley and Sawyer are playing blackjack on the beach, and Sawyer's getting frustrated trying to explain to Hurley that one doesn't hit on a stiff, but Hurley is completely clueless about the game, and I have no idea why they're even playing, except to pair up Hurley and Sawyer so that Sawyer can make a comment about Libby, who's carrying some laundry a little ways away. "Well, go on. I'm sure you've got a load you need to drop in, don't you, Jethro?" like how disgusting is Sawyer anyway? Hurley says he's waiting for his moment -- not that he seems to mind revealing his crush to everyone but Libby -- and Sawyer says the moment is now, and painfully gets to his feet and yells out Libby's name before disappearing into his tent thing. Libby looks over, sees a nervous Hurley, who waves. She waves back. "Hey, yourself," she says, because Sawyer sounds so much like Hurley, apparently. She walks away, looking at Hurley and smiling. Hurley looks like he's about to throw up.
Locke's leaving the hatch in the jungle when Charlie shows up. He doesn't look especially pleased when Charlie asks to talk to him for a second, but it's not like Charlie's not used to that. "I take it you heard about what happened last night," says Charlie all casual. Locke's like, you mean you snatching Aaron out of Claire's tent? Yeah, word tends to get around on something like that, you wanker. "This whole thing was a big misunderstanding, John. I was sleepwalking," says Charlie, and thank god Locke interrupts Charlie's bullshit pleading for Locke to talk to Claire on his behalf to bluntly ask if Charlie's been using. "What?" says Charlie, like he has no idea what Locke is asking, and forces Locke to use the word "heroin." Instead of saying "no," Charlie flies off the handle about Kate seeing a horse, and pretty much everybody seeing Walt in the jungle, which is interesting that they actually talk about these things. "But when it's Charlie, it must be the bloody drugs, right?" So one moment you're telling Locke you were sleepwalking, and now you seem to admit to having visions? "That's funny. You didn't answer the question," says Locke calmly. Charlie says that he and Eko burned the plane, including the statues. "All of it?" asks Locke, skeptically, and Charlie lies right to Locke's face, so remind me why we're supposed to sympathize with Charlie here? Locke looks hard at Charlie, then finally seems to accept his word, and says, "Trust is a hard thing to win back. Claire needs time. You should leave her and the baby alone for a while." Locke leaves, Charlie gets ready to flashback.
Wow. You've heard of selling out? Nobody does it Driveshaft-style. We're with the band on what at first appears to be a video shoot, as the band's clad in matching red, white, and black bathrobes while sitting on director's chairs with the band's name emblazoned on the back. I understand that Driveshaft were a big influence on Jack White. Liam, of course, is sick, while Charlie wants to know if he can do this, earning a "sod off" for his trouble. We hear someone yelling that they're going to give it another shot. "Get it together, all right? Lest you forget, we need this," snaps Charlie. Need a hot video to rocket the band into the stratosphere of fame? Not quite.
So the director is bitching that they have twenty minutes until they're in overtime, so "get it right." And when the band disrobes, they're wearing what appear to be diapers, and they take their spots on the set, which is a giant crib, and they're all holding packages of "Butties" diapers. And Charlie has a big pacifier in his mouth. And I'm starting to go into the fetal position myself. And someone says this is "take fifty-three," and the music starts up, and the band is doing this really basic choreography, stepping to the left, then stepping to the right, then spinning around, like, this isn't exactly the Rhythm Nation we're talking about, but Liam can't keep up. And the lyrics have been changed to "You all every Butties," which makes even LESS sense than the original. And then there is this part where the band members stick their butts through the bars of the crib, and Liam tries to and falls right through, which makes the director can the whole shoot right there, like, I'm sure the good people at Butties would have something to say about this. And Charlie pleads with the director to no avail, and the director says the band was only hired as a favour to their lawyer, whatever that means, and he wanted Dirt McGirt? Which I guess is another band? And there is someone handing the director some Perrier on a tray, and just WHAT KIND OF COMMERCIAL SHOOT IS THIS, and Charlie begs for another chance, and the director says that if they want another chance, they should get rid of "that one," pointing at Liam. "I'm not ditching anyone," says Charlie, glaring. "He's my brother." The director says in that case, they're fired.
And speaking of confusing timelines, can someone chart Driveshaft's meteoric rise to fame and fall? Like "You All Everybody" is currently hot enough to be desired for an advertising campaign with some kind of Spike Jonze director, but the band needs to be in this completely undignified commercial shoot as well, even going so far as changing the lyrics of the song, the better to shill for shite-bags? I mean, how quickly has the band gone from one-hit wonders to being forced to mock themselves for commercial gain? Can Charlie's flashbacks ever do anything other than convince me that Driveshaft sucked ass and the fictional world in which it existed is far better off now that Liam is out of music and Charlie is stranded on an island? You know what I mean? Like if you heard tomorrow that the bass player from, say, Deep Blue Something had disappeared, you'd still be able to get on with your day, yes? ["And…isn't this kind of a rip-off of that sequence from The Doors with the Bic lighters?" -- Sars]
Down the hatch, Libby is asking Hurley if the washer and dryer are newer than everything else in there, and I guess this is supposed to be the writers acknowledging that for the benefit of chattering internet bulletin boards that pay attention to details like that or something, and Hurley says all he knows is that they wash clothes, which seems to be a fact not known to the rest of the laundry slaves out on the beach.
Libby then shows off a dress she found, and asks Hurley if he thinks she can pull it off. Hurley looks really discombobulated, so Libby has to clue him in on the necessity of giving a woman validation when she asks questions like that. "Do I know you from somewhere?" asks Hurley, as it seems to occur to him that maybe he does, and Libby pauses a moment, then says, "You mean, other than the flight?" And then she suspiciously doesn't actually answer, and instead distracts Hurley by getting naked to try on the dress (she does insist that he turn around while she changes). As she does so, she says she can't believe he doesn't remember stepping on her foot on the plane. I swear to god it sounds like she's lying, except for the fact that she actually knows the details of Hurley getting on the plane -- last one on the aircraft, headphones on, very sweaty. Anyway, she's done changing, so she asks Hurley's opinion as she twirls in front of him. "It's awesome," says Hurley sincerely. And it is. Libby looks pleased. I'm still not sure I trust her.
Just off the beach, Eko is scratching marks into trees, for some reason that I'm sure will be very profound. Charlie strolls up, possibly because Eko is one of the few people left whom Charlie hasn't alienated. He asks why Eko's marking the trees. "Because these are the ones I like," says Eko, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. Charlie doesn't press any further, since what he really wants to know is if Eko told Locke he gave Charlie a statue from the plane. "Why would I do that?" Charlie gripes that "the bald wanker knows something." Eko amazingly figures out that something's bothering Charlie. "Apart from me losing my mind? No, everything's peachy." Eko, to what I'm sure will be his lasting regret, asks why Charlie thinks he's losing his mind. Charlie cites the sleep-walking, baby-stealing, and vivid dreams that Aaron is in "mortal peril." He ticks off for Eko all the religious symbolism of the dreams, while Eko grows increasingly thoughtful, to the point where Charlie asks him what's up. "Have you ever considered that these dreams mean something?" asks Eko. "Like what?" "What if you do need to save the baby?" Nice one, Eko. Get to know Charlie a little better, and you'll consider that maybe he "needs" to stop pestering everybody.
Charlie stomps up to Claire's tent, with Kate there to head him off, despite him saying that he needs to talk to her. "She'll want to hear this!" says Charlie, who eventually pushes Kate aside and then babbles on to a fearful Claire that Aaron's in danger (no SHIT she's in danger, you crazy dope fiend! From you!) and that the solution is to baptize him, which they can do because Eko's a priest. If Claire knows anything at all about baptism (which she doesn't appear to), she'd know that baptism isn't going to save the kid from anything except going to hell when he dies from this threat Charlie's yelling about. Kate then shoves Charlie away, down the beach. A little ways away, Locke watches the whole thing, frowning. Hey, Locke, little help?
Ana-Lucia is rigging up some kind of shelter. Jack strolls over, carrying a tarp, that he gives her "for when it rains," and it sure is lucky for the Lostaways that Oceanic Flight 815 was apparently carrying a major shipment from some Australian tarp manufacturer, since there seem to have been so damn many on board. And it's lucky for Ana-Lucia that the structure she constructed is a perfect fit for the tarp she didn't have when she was building it. But never mind. She asks Jack when he's going to tell her what happened in the jungle. "I already did," he says.
Ana-Lucia says Jack told her what Hairy Man (thanks again, Erin!) said, but what Jack didn't tell her is why he turned around and came back. "He had a gun to Kate's head," says Jack. Ana's response, unfortunately, is "You hittin' that?" Because trying to keep someone from getting shot is only understandable if you are indeed "hittin' that." Jack appears confused, so Ana-Lucia elaborates: "Plane crash, you both survive, nice beach. She's hot, you're hot…it's what people do." She's an expert on plane-crash survivors, I suppose. And she is definitely asking out of more than just curiosity. Jack, thankfully, says he's not "hittin' that," but fails to add that it's none of Ana's business either way. Until he starts hittin' her.
We're out in the jungle with Charlie, skulking through the foliage until he finds his stash of hidden heroin-filled Virgin Mary statues. He's glancing around furtively, but they might as well show us Locke following him, because it will be no surprise later on. Charlie picks up a statue and stares at it, then drops it on the ground and stomps on it to get to the sweet sweet heroin inside.
Flashback to Charlie, pencil clenched in teeth, plinking along crappily on his piano. Liam strolls in, flops down on the couch. "Karen kicked me out, man," he says. Wow, that's almost hard to believe. Charlie wants to know why, and Liam says it's because she thinks he's dangerous to the baby. "Why would she think that?" says Charlie. Because she knows him? "Because I dropped her. I dropped Meghan," says Liam, starting to cry. Or, to put it another way, because he is dangerous. Charlie tries to console him, but Liam's despondent because they have no money and wants to know what they're going to do. Charlie says they'll get through this, because he's writing again. Do they have food stamps in the UK? Better get to work, Liam.
Anyway, Charlie goes back to the piano to play his new song that he says is about two brothers, and Liam makes a snide comment along the lines of "two brothers who should be butchers," and Charlie says this song could be "the one," and then he starts in with the chords again, and it sounds like something that Jet would record, only somehow even shittier. And Charlie warbles away while Liam listens for a moment. And Charlie's moaning stuff along the lines of "all alone" and "tragedy" and "together now" and what have you. Liam gets up from the couch, and I was hoping he was going to slam the keyboard lid down on Charlie's fingers, but instead he starts singing along with Charlie, his eyes shining because of the redemptive power of his brother's love. Or some shite. They finish singing, thankfully, and they excitedly talk about how it'll be just like the "old days," like, can someone please seriously figure out this band's timeline? And then Liam has to go and spoil everything by asking Charlie if he's "got any."
Back in the jungle, Charlie is STILL staring at the heroin, like, just shoot it or snort it or put it on your gums or whatever other way you have of doing it that the network is able to show already. Before he can, Locke comes stomping out of the bushes, saying he's "disappointed" in Charlie. Charlie can't believe Locke followed him. "You've got the wrong idea, man," says Charlie, and Locke points out that Charlie said he said destroyed it all, and yet here it all is, so just exactly how is Locke getting the wrong idea? Charlie says that he came out here to finish the job, and I was kind of hoping that Locke was coming out here for the same reason. So Locke starts gathering up the statues into his backpack. "There was a time when I let you choose whether or not you were going to do this to yourself. And now I'm making the choice for you," says Locke, who is certainly one to talk about lies. Charlie tries to show how over the drugs he is by ripping open the Baggies he's holding, spilling the contents on the ground. Because that worked so well when he did it for Claire.
So Charlie brings up all the talks he and Locke have had about everything happening for a reason, and the island testing them, and hey! This is Charlie's test! That's why the drugs are here! Locke has an alternative theory: that the drugs are here because Charlie put them there (he could also add that Charlie's failing any tests pretty miserably -- although in Charlie's defence, we have not seen him actually have any of the heroin).
Finally Charlie starts pleading for Locke not to tell Claire, or she'll never trust him again. Given that Charlie's not very trustworthy, I fail to see this being much of a convincing argument for Locke. And Charlie finally tries to convince Locke that Aaron's in danger. "You have to believe me," he says. "You've given up the right to be believed, Charlie," says Locke, and sanctimoniously stomps off into the jungle. Although he's not wrong, exactly.
Back on the beach, Claire, carrying Aaron, strolls up to a just-returning Locke, who -- significantly, I think -- asks how "our boy" is doing. Then Claire asks if she and Aaron would be able to stay in the bedroom in the hatch for a little while. Locke points out that the snooze-alarm-on-steroids wouldn't exactly be conducive to the baby sleeping. And even though she hasn't directly said anything, Locke knows exactly why she's asking, and so he offers to move his things down the beach to hers for the few nights, an offer she gratefully accepts. Then she asks him if he knows anything about baptism. "Not a whole lot. Why?" She explains that Charlie said that Aaron needed to be baptized, that he's in danger. Locke ponders this, then says, "My understanding is that baptism is about making sure that children get into heaven, should anything happen. Call it spiritual insurance." He says that Aaron isn't in any danger, that Charlie just…and as he says this, he opens his backpack to put in a bottle of water, and pauses, presumably because he's looking at all the Virgin Marys in there. "Charlie just feels like he has to save the baby because he can't save himself." He slings the backpack over his shoulder, says he'll see Claire tonight.
That night, a shadowy figure gathers brush and kindling together in the grass. From the shoes and the hoodie and the ring, we can tell it's Charlie, but since the shots seem to purposely avoid showing his face, I wondered if we were supposed to figure out that it wasn't actually Charlie…but then it's revealed to be Charlie a few moments later anyway, so I'm not exactly sure what the cinematic sleight-of-hand is all about.
Anyway, Charlie lights his kindling on fire, and stomps out of the brush past Sayid. Is Sayid even on the show anymore? Did he piss off the producers or something? Or are he and Lost on a break and is he going to turn up on someone else's show before getting back together with Lost and apologizing for doing the other show? Sayid asks Charlie for a hand with some Rube Goldberg-esque contraption that he's fiddling with. "Now's not a good time, Sayid," snarls Charlie. Wow, snubbed by Charlie. Sayid shrugs off the slight, and then notices that someone has digitally inserted a bright square of burning brush into the jungle, which you'd really think he'd have noticed already. "Fire!" he shouts, and starts running through the camp. And everybody's awake, apparently, but nobody saw this fire until just now. So they gather up their buckets and containers and special fire-retardant tarps and other such firefighting accoutrements, and the Lostaway Volunteer Fire Brigade springs into action. Locke unnecessarily tells Claire to stay with Aaron. At least, you'd have thought it was unnecessary, but Claire strolls so far away from Aaron that she might as well have been fighting the fire herself, allowing Charlie a moment to stroll out from the brush with his hoodie up (more sinister-looking!) and stare at Aaron for a long moment until we go into flashback.
Charlie arrives back at his flat via the lift (presumably after driving up in his lorry) and hangs his jacket up. Then he notices that the piano's gone and he starts shouting for his brother. Liam, incredibly still there, says he sold the piano. And returned for a fun little confrontation with his brother? Charlie asks if the money went up Liam's "sodding arm" and Liam says he's been clean for two days. "Two days? Well, happy anniversary!" spits Charlie, and Liam is all, "Well, how long have you been clean?" Charlie says nothing, because touché. Liam says Karen was going to leave him and take Meghan. But she's got an uncle in Australia who has a job for him, and there's a rehab clinic he can go to; he just needed the money to get them there. "I have to do this. I have to take care of myself, for them. For my family." "I'm your family!" shouts Charlie, which could be a big part of the reason why Liam's high all the time, if you ask me.
Outside on the street, Charlie chases his brother and wants to know what about the band, what about the song, and Liam just says that he needs to do this and he'll give Charlie a call when things settle down for him. "For you? What about me?" Charlie should have tattooed "what about me?" on his knuckles instead, you know. "What about my family?" yells Charlie as his brother heads into the Underground station, past one of those logos that makes me think of those old Vuarnet shirts.
Back on the island, the Volunteer Fire Brigade has all but extinguished the fire. And Charlie is STILL standing there looking at Aaron. And now that the diversion he created is pretty much over, Charlie decides that now would be a good time for a second baby-snatching attempt. Claire's still standing over there, clearly waiting for her cue to turn around and see Charlie absconding with a screaming Aaron in his arms. She starts yelling and chasing Charlie, and her screams alert Locke, who comes running too, to tag-team intervene as Charlie stands in the surf of Lostaway Beach, saying he just wants to save Aaron.
I know Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular seem to be the default faiths of people on television, but right at this moment, I'm glad Charlie wasn't, say, Jewish. Can you imagine if he was trying to perform an emergency bris instead of a baptism?
By now, everyone has noticed the commotion and has come running, carrying torches, looking concerned. Eko's among them, so Charlie's all, "Hey, Eko! Tell them about the baptism!" and Eko's all, "This is not the way," which I took to mean, "Dude, I'm the new guy here. Don't drag me down with you."
Locke tells Charlie to give the baby back, and Charlie completely loses his shit on him: "Who the hell are you, John? Aaron's not your responsibility! Where were you when he was born? Where were you when he was taken? You're not his father! You're not his family!" Locke points out that neither is Charlie, who looks like he hadn't really considered that (quick note -- let no one think my dislike of Charlie extends to Dominic Monaghan, who I think rather kicks ass in this series. That's probably why I feel so free to dislike Charlie, because the portrayal is so complete).
Desperate, Charlie turns back to a teary Claire (Emilie de Ravin is likewise terrific) and says that he has to do this: "I'm not going to hurt him," he says. "You're hurting me, Charlie," she cries, and this is what seems to get through to Charlie. Locke steps forward, takes Aaron from Charlie, and gives him back to Claire, who turns away, looking at Charlie with that same mixture of anger and contempt (with a little more fear this time, though). Charlie starts to say he's sorry, but he's greeted with a pummeling by Locke, three hard punches to the face, knocking him off his feet into the waves. Locke looks kind of pissed and walks away. Claire looks like she's glad that happened, and everyone stares for a moment at Charlie and then they all turn their backs and walk away, even Hurley. And like I said in the recaplet, Charlie's hardly the first person to be having problems on the island; I know things seem a little scary with Charlie, you know, kidnapping Aaron, but can't they just handcuff him somewhere like they did Jin until things settle down? Nice that you've managed to wash all of Boone's blood off your hands, Locke.
A bruised and bloody Charlie sits on the beach, staring at the sea. Jack strolls up, and without saying a word, looks at Charlie's face. Charlie obligingly turns his head to make sure Jack gets a good look. "You need stitches," says Jack, and he starts wiping Charlie's cut. "I started the fire, Jack," says Charlie, rather unnecessarily. "I need to know you're never going to do anything like this again. Ever," says Jack, in that patented tough-talk of his. But at least he's talking to Charlie, who babbles on about how he knows what people think, but he didn't use. "I wanted to. I really wanted to. But I didn't." Jack says, "That's not what I asked, Charlie." Well, you probably should have, actually. Don't you think? But Charlie says it won't happen again. Not until sweeps, anyway.
Claire approaches Eko, who's going for a stroll in the Charlie fire-burn. "Charlie told me you were a priest," says Claire. Eko confirms this. Or at least continues to perpetuate the myth. "I did not tell Charlie to do what he did. I'm sorry if he misunderstood me," says Eko. Claire asks if he thinks the baby needs to be baptized. "Do you know what baptism is?" asks Eko. "It's what gets you into heaven," says Claire. Eko's looking at Claire's big blue eyes, like, some of us are already there, baby. But Eko launches into this story about the John the Baptist baptizing Jesus and the skies opening up and a dove flying down from the sky. "This told John something -- that he had cleansed this man of all his sins. That he had freed him. Heaven came much later." Oh, like there was ever any question Jesus was going to make it into Heaven. I'm sure Jesus was really sweating that one. Claire frets that she hasn't been baptized herself: "Does that mean that if you do it to Aaron and something happened to us that we wouldn't be together?" Not necessarily, Claire; you see, if Aaron turns out to be wicked, you could both go to hell together! Instead of pointing out that baptism isn't the golden ticket into the chocolate factory but the first of many steps on the long road of sin and guilt called the Catholic Highway, Eko just says, "Not if I baptize you both. And since you know nothing about baptism, you'll just have to trust me on the nudity."
We need a montage! Locke changes the combination on the gun vault. Didn't he just do that? He's kind of compulsive with that. Eko baptizes Aaron and Claire, so Charlie kind of got punched out for nothing, no? Hope you at least get the words right, "Father" Eko. And then Locke stores the Virgin Mary statues on a shelf in the gun vault. Locked up with the other dangerous stuff? When the tourists eventually start making their way to Craphole Island, he'll be ready with the tchotchkes.
Charlie sits, staring at the fire, and pulls his hoodie hood up. With the blood and the hood, he looks almost bad-ass.
In a surprise move, ABC is running a repeat week.