The Hunting Party

Previously on Lost, Eko found his dead priest brother in the Plane of Holy Heroin and got some much-needed closure; Charlie got kicked out of the Baby Mama Hut Compound due to his unfortunate, erm, habit of carrying around a Virgin Mary full of Harry Jones; and Jack and Kate made out for approximately three hours even though Kate loves Sawyer and Sawyer loves Kate. Also, a boatload of rednecks kidnapped Walt; Michael screamed "Waaaaaaaaalllllt!" a bajillion times, both on the boat and all over the damn island; then he finally hunkered down at the Computer of Uselessness for a little Magic Eight Ball-esque conversation with his son that may or may not have actually been a conversation with one of the Others.

After the day-long previouslys are over, we catch up with Jack and drunken Dad as they peruse a series of spinal x-rays on a light board. Jack's dad seems to think that the prognosis is not good and he whispers something about a tumor and something else about how he's surprised the guy with the tumor hasn't had his spine actually fall out on the floor while he was in line at the Dairy Queen, the damage to his spine is so bad. The guy with the tumor on his back is sitting right in the room with the doctors as they whisper and gibber over the x-rays and finally he gets irritated and is all, "Uh, guys? I'M RIGHT IN THE ROOM." He does this in Italian, though, because�he's Italian. His daughter, quite the looker, translates that her father wishes they'd stop whispering because it's A) unprofessional, B) rude, and C) annoying as shit. Brokeback Papa would appreciate it if the doctors would just tell him what's up, because basically, he knows he doesn't have a chance in hell of living much longer.

Jack's dad tells them that Brokeback isn't a candidate for surgery and when the daughter's all, uh, why is that, he tells her that her dad isn't looking for surgery, he's looking for a miracle. That's when Brokeback pipes up that he didn't come here looking for Jack's dad; he came here looking for Jack, a.k.a. "The Miracle Back Healer." Brokeback's daughter brings up the miraculous job Jack did on Sarah and Jack nervously stands up, looking like, "Uh, yeah, but, um, see, she was HOT and I'm not that into your dad. Sorry." But all he says to the daughter is that he agrees with his dad about the risks and the circumstances, and the daughter just asks him if he'll try, and Jack's obviously having a God complex moment or he thinks that fixing her dad's back will make the daughter marry him or something, because he agrees to take Brokeback's case. His father looks at him like, "Dude? Fixing her dad's back won't make her marry you, you know. By the way, how's that working out for you? The whole married-to-your-patient thing? Yeah. That's what I thought. Hey, guess what time it is? It's drinkin' time! Yee-haw!"

The Swooping Jets of Flash-Forwards bring us to the present, where Jack is waking up on the bottom bunk of Dharma Central. He wearily gets up and walks through the compound and realizes that the place is empty. He calls out for Locke and gets some groaning in response. Jack follows the sound and finds Locke passed out in the gun room. Michael shows up and cocks a rifle in Jack's direction. Jack's all, uh, what the? And Michael's all, I'MGOINGAFTERMYSON. I'MGOINGAFTERMYSONYOUCAN'TSTOPME. ALSOI'MALOONEYTUNES. "You gonna shoot me, Michael?" Jack shouts. Michael seems to think about this for a minute as his eyes do the Dance of the Demented. "No!" he suddenly shouts. "But I'll shoot yer damn computer!" Uh-oh. He means business. "That thing isn't what you think it is anyway," he continues. "You don't understand, man. You don't have ANY idea!" Oh, I think he has an idea, Michael. I think he has an idea that if crazy were a kingdom, you'd be wearing a crown right about now. Jack tries to reason with Michael, telling him they'll do this together, but Michael's having none of it and he says he has to do this alone. Jack finally shuts up and Michael slams the door, taking us to the Floating Words of Lostedness.

After the break, Jack asks Locke how he's feeling and Locke's like, I feel like runnin' a marathon barefoot in 90-degree heat, jackass, how do you think I feel? My head hurts! After filling him in on Michael's plans to rescue Walt, Jack asks Locke to give him a boost up to the air shaft so they can get the hell out of there. Locke says it won't do him any good because he bolted it shut from the inside. "No point changing the combination if you can just get in through the air vent," says Locke. "That's really good thinking, John," snits Jack, his voice soaked in sarcasm. Actually, that really IS good thinking, Jack O'Sarcasm. Why not bring it down a notch, there, smart-ass. "Wanna tell me why you let Michael in here?" asks Jack. Good point. "Uh, he wanted a gun," says Locke. Well, obviously. It's not like he wanted a Twinkie. "For shooting practice," continues Locke. "Shooting practice," Jack repeats back at him incredulously. And Locke kind of hilariously rubs his face like, "Yeaaaaaah. Not such a good idea, you know, in hindsight."

Locke suddenly comes to his senses and says, "The button." God, how tired I am already of the damn button. Locke's concerned that he and Jack are supposed to be on duty for the four hours, so no one's going to come down and notice that they're missing. Oh no! Who. Will press. The BUTTON? Jack just says they better hope that Sawyer shows up to get his bandage changed. In a nice juxtaposition, the shot is of Sawyer, snoring away the day in a beach chair as the ocean roars in the background. Heh. He's not looking for bandages right about now. Nosy Parker, uh, I mean, Kate walks up and chucks a banana at Sawyer's chest. "Did you just throw a banana at me?" he says. Hee. "Couldn't find any rocks," she retorts. "Plus, I only have one pair of panties that I've been living in since the damn plane crashed, otherwise I woulda thrown them at you instead."

Bedroom of Strained Miracle Marriages. Jack enters at dawn, and Sarah's awake. She asks how Brokeback is, and Jack says he's about the same. He apologizes for his lateness and not calling and she takes it in stride, saying that's the price of being a miracle worker. Man. They're not over-working the "miracle" shit here at all, are they? Sarah gets out of bed and says she has stuff to do and Matthew Fox answers my prayers and takes off his shirt and gets into bed. Sarah comes back in and sits down on the bed and informs Jack that she was late, so she bought a pregnancy test. Jack sits up, and from the look on his face, a baby would not be a welcome addition to the Strained Miracle Marriage. I mean, he's not shouting, "NOOOOO!" or anything, but he's also not weeping tears of joy here. "Don't worry," she says ruefully, "it's negative." Jack kind of halfheartedly asks her if she wants to talk about it and she just says, "What's there to talk about?" Exactly.

Back on Craphole Island, Jack, Locke, and Sawyer are paused over a large footprint in the mud. Locke identifies it as looking like Michael's boot, but he can't be sure. How in the hell does he know what Michael's boot looks like? Do they have plaster casts of everyone's shoeprints on the island in case of situations like these? Kate finds another similar print in the distance and Locke declares that they have a trail. "You got a gun for me?" asks Kate. "You're not comin'," says Jack. "Excuuuuse me?" says Kate. "You're not comin'," says Jack again. "Someone has to be here to take care of the button." Hee. Ten bucks says that Matthew Fox laughed his ass off every time he had to say that. ["Especially since his character is the one who was all 'I don't see why we have to press it anyway.'" -- Sars] Kate's like, uh, I hate to break this to you, but taking care of the button doesn't exactly require a degree from Harvard, you know. Anyone can do it. "You're not comin'!" Jack says again, some more. "You're stayin'! All right?" Man. Wonder if he'd be this pissed off at her if she'd grabbed his ass while they kissed instead of running away from him after it was over?

Sawyer cocks his gun in a threatening manner, although I'm not sure if it's toward Jack or Kate. Locke and Jack move off to follow the trail and, after a minute and a soulful glance at Kate, Sawyer follows after them. I don't know why they made such a big deal out of her not coming; you know her Nosy Parker ass is just going to go back to camp and get someone else to press the button so she can follow after the boys and make sure she's not left out of all the fun.

Boy Scout Troop #makes its way up a lovely Hawaiian hill. Sawyer asks Jack what Kate did to him to make him so mad. Well, Sawyer, it's not so much what she did to him as much as what she didn't do to him, if you must know. Jack says she didn't do anything. Totally. "Riiiiiiight," snarks Sawyer. "And you yelled at her because she wanted to help find Walt. Makes a lot of sense." "Why dontcha go back there and see if I hurt her feelings?" snaps Jack. Oh, can we get Jack a new love interest already? The fake fighting between these two over Kate is getting tiresome. "I'm just sayin'," says Sawyer. "Yeah, I know," says Jack. "You love her." Sawyer stops cold. "What'd you say?" Hee. Poor Sawyer. You have no idea how big a mouth you have when you're passed out and delirious from blood loss and infection.

Locke stops at the top of the hill and asks Sawyer if anything about the area rings a bell with him. "Oh yeah," says Sawyer. "There's my favorite leaf. How could I forget this place?" Heh. He's so awesome. Jack asks Locke what's wrong, and he just asks Sawyer what side the ocean was on when he and the Tailaways came across the island. Sawyer thinks for a bit and then waves his hand off to the side. Locke says that means they were coming from the east, but Michael's tracks lead to the north, which means that Michael's not heading back where he came; he's heading somewhere else. They all run off to that somewhere else.

Down on the beach, Kate's pleading her case to Hurley as Jin watches her from a distance. Sun comes out and tells Jin that the sun is hot today, so he should wear a stupid floppy hat. Jin's like, woman, I don't need no hat! Sun's like, wear it, bitch. Hurley comes walking by. "Cool hat, dude," comments Hurley to Jin. Jin makes a face and rolls his eyes. Women! Can't live with 'em, can't stop 'em from trying to prevent you from getting skin cancer! Sun asks Hurley what's going on and he just regurgitates the entire Michael-went-crazy-and-stole-guns-and-went-after-Walt story. "Later, dudes! Gotta get to the hatch," and with that, Hurley walks off. Bye, Hurley! We'll call you time we need some expository dialogue peppered with lots of folksy "dudes"!

Jin decides that he's going to go after Michael himself and starts packing a bag. Sun tells him that if he wants to live to see the sunset, he'll put the bag down and go catch her some fish, dammit. Jin says that Michael's his friend. Sun says that she's his wife, and she's not about to lose him now that she just got him back from his non-adventure at sea. Jin reluctantly puts his bag down and shares a smile with his wife. It's a nice moment. Even though the same woman carrying fruit appears behind Sun, like, five times.

Boy Scout Troop #. Sawyer wants to take a break, so they all stop, and Jack wonders aloud if Michael's still heading north and Locke says he is. Locke then begins to question just what in the hell Jack's going to do once he catches up with Michael. "I'm gonna bring him back," says Jack, not sounding all that sure of himself. "What if he doesn't want to come back?" says Locke. Jack says he'll talk him into coming back. Oh, right. Because Jack's so good at getting people to do what he says. "Who are we to tell people what they can or can't do?" ponders Locke. Excellent point. Unfortunately, we don't get a chance to explore this line of questioning further, because we have to go back to Brokeback Papa and the Storyline That Never Ends.

Jack's sitting with the daughter. She's supposed to sign some paper -- a consent form, I'm thinking. Jack tells her it's not too late to go back and she's like, go back where? Italy? Sure, they have great gelato, but the doctors aren't nearly as cute. She finally signs the paper and says that even if Jack doesn't succeed, he's giving them a chance, which is all they wanted. They get a little too close to each other and share a moment, but it's interrupted by Jack's dad, who does one of those knock-knock-I'm-coming-in-without-waiting-for-a-response knocks that doctors are so fond of doing. There's an awkward moment, but the daughter dispels it by leaving. Jack's dad drops a load of papers on a desk, telling Jack he needs to sign off on them, and then he shoots his son a look. Jack's like, wha? "Careful," says his father. "There's a line, son, and you know it's there. And pretending it's notthat would be a mistake." He goes to leave and Jack says, "Guess you would know." Know what? What it's like to drink a fifth of vodka and then remove someone's spleen? What's he talking about? "It may be okay for some people, Jack," says the dad, "but not for you." What's not okay for some people? WHAT? God. Why can't he just say, "Don't fuck the daughter, dude. It's not right." How hard is that? And honestly, does it really have to be said? Also, didn't Jack MARRY one of his patients? Where was the line then? I love this show but damn, I need a crypto key, a divining rod, and bloody Nostradamus just to decipher what in the hell half of them are talking about.

The Boy Scouts are climbing vines up the side of a mountain. Wow, Locke saw boot tracks up the side of a mountain? He's good. Sawyer asks if Locke's really sure Michael went this way. "Why do you ask?" asks Locke. "Oh, I don't know, Mr. Clean; I probably woulda gone around Mount Vesuvius." Hee. Mr. Clean. Hee hee hee. Locke asks Sawyer why he picked that name, and Sawyer's like, uh, have you looked in a mirror lately? All that's missing is an earring and a mop, dude. Locke's like, no, dumb-ass, not my name, yours. "Why'd you pick Sawyer?" he asks. "After the census, Hurley gave me the manifest. Your name is James, right? James Ford." Sawyer's like, uh, and this is any of your business how? Locke just casually asks who Sawyer got it from and Sawyer's like, who said I "got" it from anyone and didn't we already answer the question of where Sawyer got his name, like, a hundred episodes ago? Or did we just find out that Sawyer wasn't actually his name? Why is this being brought up again? Who am I? Why are we gathered here together to get through this thing calledlife? So many questions