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It's a flashback-to-the-Jack week, and this one's a doozy. Jack, against his dad's judgment, takes on an impossible spinal tumor in an old, presumably rich Italian guy. The dude and his hot daughter heard about the surgical miracle Jack performed on his wife. Back to the present: in the island Hatch House, Michael freaks out and locks up Locke and Jack at gunpoint to go find Walt. Kate and Sawyer show up, free them, and offer to tag along in Jack's insistent pursuit of Michael. Jack says Sawyer can come but insists Kate stay behind. But will Kate listen? She's Kate, folks. She can't hear the See 'n' Say when the cow says, "Moo." After a lot of tracking, the three dudes run right into The Others. Zeke from the raft-jacking appears (I like to call him Grizzly Scruffenbeard), and when Jack expresses doubt about their numbers, about a dozen or so torches suddenly alight around the group. Zeke's also got dumb Kate hostage, taking the upper hand and making the boys relinquish their weapons. Zeke speechifies about manners and boundaries and how The Others have allowed the Oceanic folks to stay on the island just to be nice. But Jack doesn't play nice and pisses Zeke off, suggesting no truce. Jack, Locke, Sawyer, and Kate head back, sans Michael and a few guns.
Meanwhile, Hurley's developing a crush on Libby. Charlie wallows in self-pity, post Claire-smackdown. Sawyer's real name is James Ford, a tidbit Locke whips out when Sawyer calls him "Mr. Clean." Jin and Sun tussle over hand in their relationship when Jin wants to follow the Michael search party and she gets him to stay. Sayid broods; he wasn't even invited to the search.
Further into the flashback, Jack gets emotionally distant from his wife as he gets consumed by the Italian Job. The Italian man dies in surgery and the overly grateful daughter kisses Jack. He kisses back, but pulls away and goes home. Jack tearfully confesses to his wife about the kiss and promises to be a better husband, but -- oops! -- too late. She's already seeing someone else and leaving Jack. Jack's tear ducts get more exercise. On the island, Jack ignores Kate, then asks Ana-Lucia about her police experience. "How long do you think it would take to train an army?" he asks her. The rest of the season, ya think? Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Lost, Eko found his dead priest brother in the Plane of Holy Heroin and got some much-needed closure; Charlie got kicked out of the Baby Mama Hut Compound due to his unfortunate, erm, habit of carrying around a Virgin Mary full of Harry Jones; and Jack and Kate made out for approximately three hours even though Kate loves Sawyer and Sawyer loves Kate. Also, a boatload of rednecks kidnapped Walt; Michael screamed "Waaaaaaaaalllllt!" a bajillion times, both on the boat and all over the damn island; then he finally hunkered down at the Computer of Uselessness for a little Magic Eight Ball-esque conversation with his son that may or may not have actually been a conversation with one of the Others.
After the day-long previouslys are over, we catch up with Jack and drunken Dad as they peruse a series of spinal x-rays on a light board. Jack's dad seems to think that the prognosis is not good and he whispers something about a tumor and something else about how he's surprised the guy with the tumor hasn't had his spine actually fall out on the floor while he was in line at the Dairy Queen, the damage to his spine is so bad. The guy with the tumor on his back is sitting right in the room with the doctors as they whisper and gibber over the x-rays and finally he gets irritated and is all, "Uh, guys? I'M RIGHT IN THE ROOM." He does this in Italian, though, because…he's Italian. His daughter, quite the looker, translates that her father wishes they'd stop whispering because it's A) unprofessional, B) rude, and C) annoying as shit. Brokeback Papa would appreciate it if the doctors would just tell him what's up, because basically, he knows he doesn't have a chance in hell of living much longer.
Jack's dad tells them that Brokeback isn't a candidate for surgery and when the daughter's all, uh, why is that, he tells her that her dad isn't looking for surgery, he's looking for a miracle. That's when Brokeback pipes up that he didn't come here looking for Jack's dad; he came here looking for Jack, a.k.a. "The Miracle Back Healer." Brokeback's daughter brings up the miraculous job Jack did on Sarah and Jack nervously stands up, looking like, "Uh, yeah, but, um, see, she was HOT and I'm not that into your dad. Sorry." But all he says to the daughter is that he agrees with his dad about the risks and the circumstances, and the daughter just asks him if he'll try, and Jack's obviously having a God complex moment or he thinks that fixing her dad's back will make the daughter marry him or something, because he agrees to take Brokeback's case. His father looks at him like, "Dude? Fixing her dad's back won't make her marry you, you know. By the way, how's that working out for you? The whole married-to-your-patient thing? Yeah. That's what I thought. Hey, guess what time it is? It's drinkin' time! Yee-haw!"
The Swooping Jets of Flash-Forwards bring us to the present, where Jack is waking up on the bottom bunk of Dharma Central. He wearily gets up and walks through the compound and realizes that the place is empty. He calls out for Locke and gets some groaning in response. Jack follows the sound and finds Locke passed out in the gun room. Michael shows up and cocks a rifle in Jack's direction. Jack's all, uh, what the? And Michael's all, I'MGOINGAFTERMYSON. I'MGOINGAFTERMYSONYOUCAN'TSTOPME. ALSOI'MALOONEYTUNES. "You gonna shoot me, Michael?" Jack shouts. Michael seems to think about this for a minute as his eyes do the Dance of the Demented. "No!" he suddenly shouts. "But I'll shoot yer damn computer!" Uh-oh. He means business. "That thing isn't what you think it is anyway," he continues. "You don't understand, man. You don't have ANY idea!" Oh, I think he has an idea, Michael. I think he has an idea that if crazy were a kingdom, you'd be wearing a crown right about now. Jack tries to reason with Michael, telling him they'll do this together, but Michael's having none of it and he says he has to do this alone. Jack finally shuts up and Michael slams the door, taking us to the Floating Words of Lostedness.
After the break, Jack asks Locke how he's feeling and Locke's like, I feel like runnin' a marathon barefoot in 90-degree heat, jackass, how do you think I feel? My head hurts! After filling him in on Michael's plans to rescue Walt, Jack asks Locke to give him a boost up to the air shaft so they can get the hell out of there. Locke says it won't do him any good because he bolted it shut from the inside. "No point changing the combination if you can just get in through the air vent," says Locke. "That's really good thinking, John," snits Jack, his voice soaked in sarcasm. Actually, that really IS good thinking, Jack O'Sarcasm. Why not bring it down a notch, there, smart-ass. "Wanna tell me why you let Michael in here?" asks Jack. Good point. "Uh, he wanted a gun," says Locke. Well, obviously. It's not like he wanted a Twinkie. "For shooting practice," continues Locke. "Shooting practice," Jack repeats back at him incredulously. And Locke kind of hilariously rubs his face like, "Yeaaaaaah. Not such a good idea, you know, in hindsight."
Locke suddenly comes to his senses and says, "The button." God, how tired I am already of the damn button. Locke's concerned that he and Jack are supposed to be on duty for the four hours, so no one's going to come down and notice that they're missing. Oh no! Who. Will press. The BUTTON? Jack just says they better hope that Sawyer shows up to get his bandage changed. In a nice juxtaposition, the shot is of Sawyer, snoring away the day in a beach chair as the ocean roars in the background. Heh. He's not looking for bandages right about now. Nosy Parker, uh, I mean, Kate walks up and chucks a banana at Sawyer's chest. "Did you just throw a banana at me?" he says. Hee. "Couldn't find any rocks," she retorts. "Plus, I only have one pair of panties that I've been living in since the damn plane crashed, otherwise I woulda thrown them at you instead."
Sawyer's head is filled with dirty thoughts (I love that about him!) as he says, "There's nicer ways to wake a man up, Freckles." Kate blushes and pretends she doesn't like it when he gruffs at her like that and tells him they need to go change his bandage. Sawyer reluctantly agrees to go and then puts on a little play I like to call "Ouch, My Arm Hurts So Much, Can You Help Me Up, Pretty Lady?" Seriously. He's in a beach chair and he wasn't shot in the LEG, but he's still reaching up to Kate to help him stand up. I mean, it's not like he's pregnant, for god's sake. She helps him up and he gets too close to her and rasps his thanks rather sexily and Kate just smiles at him and OH MY GOD JUST DO IT ALREADY. I can't believe that Jack and Kate have already kissed but Sawyer and Kate are still at the gone a-courtin' stage. And, no, I don't count that time where Sawyer basically bribed a kiss out of Kate as a real kiss. Sure, she may have wanted to swap spit with Sawyer anyway, but she didn't get all emotional and fall into his arms and then choose to make out with him like she did with Jack. But still. DO IT ALREADY. Christ, who'd have thought that Sayid would have been the first Lostaway to get a little action? ["[meekly raises hand]" -- Sars]
Anyway, they head into the shelter and Kate immediately notices the lack of humans. She calls out for Jack and Locke and they start banging on the door of the gun room and shouting about the stupid button, so Kate runs off to handle the button as Sawyer remains at the combination lock and Locke shouts out the combo so that he can open the door. "Howdy, boys," drawls Sawyer as he sees Jack loading a gun with ammo. Jack hands the gun to Locke and declares that they're going after Michael. Locke looks like he's not into this plan at all. Sawyer asks what the hell is going on, and Jack and Locke fill him in as they get a couple of knapsacks ready to travel. Sawyer doesn't even hesitate; he walks directly into the gun room and grabs a gun, saying that he's going with them. Jack says it's not a good idea because Sawyer's still on antibiotics. "Well, it's a good thing I'm travelin' with mah doctor then," swaggers Sawyer. Heh.
We Jet Blast back to the past, where Jack is checking on Brokeback Papa. The daughter enters and asks how he's doing, and Jack says that Brokeback's counts aren't where he'd like them to be. She comments that Jack's been doing tests for over a month and Jack just says that he's thorough. He's also apparently not dealing with HMO or United Healthcare, because a month in the hospital costs about as much as a small island off the coast of Jamaica, mon. The daughter confesses that she doesn't believe in miracles and then she brings up Jack's wife and how she must believe in miracles. No, she just believes in hot doctors. Jack's like, the huh? My wife? This scene isn't really taking us anywhere, so I'll just wrap it up by telling you that the daughter and Jack are kind of flirting with each other and the daughter brings up that Jack's wife must be really understanding if she lets her husband work until four-thirty in the morning and Jack is all, d'oh! I totally lost track of time! And we're supposed to get the idea that Jack is really neglectful of his wife and that this is putting a strain on their marriage.
Bedroom of Strained Miracle Marriages. Jack enters at dawn, and Sarah's awake. She asks how Brokeback is, and Jack says he's about the same. He apologizes for his lateness and not calling and she takes it in stride, saying that's the price of being a miracle worker. Man. They're not over-working the "miracle" shit here at all, are they? Sarah gets out of bed and says she has stuff to do and Matthew Fox answers my prayers and takes off his shirt and gets into bed. Sarah comes back in and sits down on the bed and informs Jack that she was late, so she bought a pregnancy test. Jack sits up, and from the look on his face, a baby would not be a welcome addition to the Strained Miracle Marriage. I mean, he's not shouting, "NOOOOO!" or anything, but he's also not weeping tears of joy here. "Don't worry," she says ruefully, "it's negative." Jack kind of halfheartedly asks her if she wants to talk about it and she just says, "What's there to talk about?" Exactly.
Back on Craphole Island, Jack, Locke, and Sawyer are paused over a large footprint in the mud. Locke identifies it as looking like Michael's boot, but he can't be sure. How in the hell does he know what Michael's boot looks like? Do they have plaster casts of everyone's shoeprints on the island in case of situations like these? Kate finds another similar print in the distance and Locke declares that they have a trail. "You got a gun for me?" asks Kate. "You're not comin'," says Jack. "Excuuuuse me?" says Kate. "You're not comin'," says Jack again. "Someone has to be here to take care of the button." Hee. Ten bucks says that Matthew Fox laughed his ass off every time he had to say that. ["Especially since his character is the one who was all 'I don't see why we have to press it anyway.'" -- Sars] Kate's like, uh, I hate to break this to you, but taking care of the button doesn't exactly require a degree from Harvard, you know. Anyone can do it. "You're not comin'!" Jack says again, some more. "You're stayin'! All right?" Man. Wonder if he'd be this pissed off at her if she'd grabbed his ass while they kissed instead of running away from him after it was over?
Sawyer cocks his gun in a threatening manner, although I'm not sure if it's toward Jack or Kate. Locke and Jack move off to follow the trail and, after a minute and a soulful glance at Kate, Sawyer follows after them. I don't know why they made such a big deal out of her not coming; you know her Nosy Parker ass is just going to go back to camp and get someone else to press the button so she can follow after the boys and make sure she's not left out of all the fun.
Boy Scout Troop #makes its way up a lovely Hawaiian hill. Sawyer asks Jack what Kate did to him to make him so mad. Well, Sawyer, it's not so much what she did to him as much as what she didn't do to him, if you must know. Jack says she didn't do anything. Totally. "Riiiiiiight," snarks Sawyer. "And you yelled at her because she wanted to help find Walt. Makes a lot of sense." "Why dontcha go back there and see if I hurt her feelings?" snaps Jack. Oh, can we get Jack a new love interest already? The fake fighting between these two over Kate is getting tiresome. "I'm just sayin'," says Sawyer. "Yeah, I know," says Jack. "You love her." Sawyer stops cold. "What'd you say?" Hee. Poor Sawyer. You have no idea how big a mouth you have when you're passed out and delirious from blood loss and infection.
Locke stops at the top of the hill and asks Sawyer if anything about the area rings a bell with him. "Oh yeah," says Sawyer. "There's my favorite leaf. How could I forget this place?" Heh. He's so awesome. Jack asks Locke what's wrong, and he just asks Sawyer what side the ocean was on when he and the Tailaways came across the island. Sawyer thinks for a bit and then waves his hand off to the side. Locke says that means they were coming from the east, but Michael's tracks lead to the north, which means that Michael's not heading back where he came; he's heading somewhere else. They all run off to that somewhere else.
Down on the beach, Kate's pleading her case to Hurley as Jin watches her from a distance. Sun comes out and tells Jin that the sun is hot today, so he should wear a stupid floppy hat. Jin's like, woman, I don't need no hat! Sun's like, wear it, bitch. Hurley comes walking by. "Cool hat, dude," comments Hurley to Jin. Jin makes a face and rolls his eyes. Women! Can't live with 'em, can't stop 'em from trying to prevent you from getting skin cancer! Sun asks Hurley what's going on and he just regurgitates the entire Michael-went-crazy-and-stole-guns-and-went-after-Walt story. "Later, dudes! Gotta get to the hatch," and with that, Hurley walks off. Bye, Hurley! We'll call you time we need some expository dialogue peppered with lots of folksy "dudes"!
Jin decides that he's going to go after Michael himself and starts packing a bag. Sun tells him that if he wants to live to see the sunset, he'll put the bag down and go catch her some fish, dammit. Jin says that Michael's his friend. Sun says that she's his wife, and she's not about to lose him now that she just got him back from his non-adventure at sea. Jin reluctantly puts his bag down and shares a smile with his wife. It's a nice moment. Even though the same woman carrying fruit appears behind Sun, like, five times.
Boy Scout Troop #. Sawyer wants to take a break, so they all stop, and Jack wonders aloud if Michael's still heading north and Locke says he is. Locke then begins to question just what in the hell Jack's going to do once he catches up with Michael. "I'm gonna bring him back," says Jack, not sounding all that sure of himself. "What if he doesn't want to come back?" says Locke. Jack says he'll talk him into coming back. Oh, right. Because Jack's so good at getting people to do what he says. "Who are we to tell people what they can or can't do?" ponders Locke. Excellent point. Unfortunately, we don't get a chance to explore this line of questioning further, because we have to go back to Brokeback Papa and the Storyline That Never Ends.
Jack's sitting with the daughter. She's supposed to sign some paper -- a consent form, I'm thinking. Jack tells her it's not too late to go back and she's like, go back where? Italy? Sure, they have great gelato, but the doctors aren't nearly as cute. She finally signs the paper and says that even if Jack doesn't succeed, he's giving them a chance, which is all they wanted. They get a little too close to each other and share a moment, but it's interrupted by Jack's dad, who does one of those knock-knock-I'm-coming-in-without-waiting-for-a-response knocks that doctors are so fond of doing. There's an awkward moment, but the daughter dispels it by leaving. Jack's dad drops a load of papers on a desk, telling Jack he needs to sign off on them, and then he shoots his son a look. Jack's like, wha? "Careful," says his father. "There's a line, son, and you know it's there. And pretending it's not…that would be a mistake." He goes to leave and Jack says, "Guess you would know." Know what? What it's like to drink a fifth of vodka and then remove someone's spleen? What's he talking about? "It may be okay for some people, Jack," says the dad, "but not for you." What's not okay for some people? WHAT? God. Why can't he just say, "Don't fuck the daughter, dude. It's not right." How hard is that? And honestly, does it really have to be said? Also, didn't Jack MARRY one of his patients? Where was the line then? I love this show but damn, I need a crypto key, a divining rod, and bloody Nostradamus just to decipher what in the hell half of them are talking about.
The Boy Scouts are climbing vines up the side of a mountain. Wow, Locke saw boot tracks up the side of a mountain? He's good. Sawyer asks if Locke's really sure Michael went this way. "Why do you ask?" asks Locke. "Oh, I don't know, Mr. Clean; I probably woulda gone around Mount Vesuvius." Hee. Mr. Clean. Hee hee hee. Locke asks Sawyer why he picked that name, and Sawyer's like, uh, have you looked in a mirror lately? All that's missing is an earring and a mop, dude. Locke's like, no, dumb-ass, not my name, yours. "Why'd you pick Sawyer?" he asks. "After the census, Hurley gave me the manifest. Your name is James, right? James Ford." Sawyer's like, uh, and this is any of your business how? Locke just casually asks who Sawyer got it from and Sawyer's like, who said I "got" it from anyone and didn't we already answer the question of where Sawyer got his name, like, a hundred episodes ago? Or did we just find out that Sawyer wasn't actually his name? Why is this being brought up again? Who am I? Why are we gathered here together to get through this thing called…life? So many questions…
Oh, it doesn't matter. Mostly because, at that precise moment, guns start firing. Not at the Boy Scouts, though. They seem to be off in the distance. Ripping a page from The How NOT to Stay Inconspicuous Guidebook, Jack starts shouting Michael's name over and over again. Locke's like, DUDE. Ixnay on the "Ichael-May"! Even Sawyer's looking disgusted by Jack's behavior. Jack doesn't give a damn and runs pell-mell toward the gunshots. Mmmm. Because when I hear gunshots, my first instinct is to run right at 'em. And we're running and we're running. All the running only gets them as far as a small clearing, where Locke finds a fresh bullet hole gouged into a tree and three casings from Michael's rifle. Unfortunately, as Sawyer points out, there were at least seven shots fired, which means someone else was shooting as well. "It's getting dark," observes Sawyer. "Which way did they go?" Locke peruses the area, pulling his Zen-Buddha Last-of-the-Mohicans Tracker-on-the-Mountain act on the mud and vegetation. Jack stares at Sawyer. Sawyer's like, WHAT NOW? "You out here for Michael? Or is this payback for getting shot?" asks Jack. "Why you out here, Doc?" shoots Sawyer. Jack doesn't answer him. "You got your reasons," says Sawyer smugly, "and I got mine." And what are they? WHAT ARE THEY? Somebody answer a damn question directly!
We Jet Swoosh back to the past, where Jack is slamming his head and hands into a wall of lockers and, I'm assuming, we're supposed to find out the reason Jack is running through the jungle after Michael. Jack's dad enters and tries to calm his son down, but Jack's shouting that he had it, that he had all of the tumor in his hands, he had it all! His dad says that yeah, he did, but Brokeback Papa was a sick old man and he was on the table for seven hours and his heart just simply gave out. Jack finally calms down and says, "I've gotta go tell her." "Yeah, well," says his dad, "I've already done that." Jack turns to his father with a "the hell?" expression on his face. His dad gets his back up and says, "Lest you forget, I am still the chief of surgery." Well, yeah, but it was still Jack's patient, drunk-o. If my dad had crapped out on his operating table six years ago, I'd like to think the guy delivering the "I'm so sorry" speech wouldn't have been the chief of damn surgery but the doctor who actually performed the surgery. The moral of the story? Jack's dad is a domineering controlling dickhead. Thank you, and good night.
Jack demands to know where the daughter is, and his dad tells him that she's gone. Jack finally heads home, but before he can get into his car, a car door across the way opens up and it's the daughter. She gets out of the car, sniffling, and makes her way to Jack. "Gabriela," he says, moving toward her. She's sniffling some more and she thanks him for trying and then breaks down in sobs and he pulls her into his arms and says that he's sorry and he pulls back and puts his hands on either side of her face, which, yeah, nice bedside manner there, doctor. Gabriela starts to kiss him and instead of pulling away, Jack gets totally into it, even though there's probably snot on her face, and they're kissing and kissing some more until finally, Jack wises up and pulls back and tells her that he can't do this. He gets into his car and leaves the sobbing woman with the dead father on the pavement outside the hospital. Who says chivalry is dead?
Back again with the Boy Scouts, Sawyer's all up in Locke's kitchen about how he's lost Michael's trail. Locke just says he needs light to follow the markers and Jack steps up with a couple of torches all, here's your light, bizzotch! Locke thinks they should go back. Jack thinks Locke should find the trail. Locke says he's lost the trail. Jack says that Locke doesn't lose trails, he just doesn't want to find Michael. "Yeah, THAT'S RIGHT, Jack!" snaps Locke. "I've been runnin' through the jungle, toward the sound of gunfire, because I don't care about Michael." Heh. Nice one, Locke. He rocks. Locke goes to return to the beach and Jack is all, dude! If we turn back, we'll never see Michael again! "And that's gonna be on us," he says. "On you and on me."
"You're exactly right, Jack!" says a raspy voice from off-screen. The boys all turn on a dime and standing in the distance is a hairy bearded dude. They aim their guns. "But if I were you," says the hairy dude, "I'd listen to Mr. Locke." The boys continue aiming their guns as the Deliverance banjos get ready to duel because if someone doesn't squeal like a pig by the end of this episode, I'll eat my own kneecap.
After the commercials, the boys are still aiming their guns at Hairy Man, and Jack asks him who he is. "He's the son of a bitch who shot me on the raft," says Sawyer, moving toward the guy. "Why don't you point the gun down?" suggests Hairy Man. Sawyer ignores him and keeps moving forward and someone outside the clearing fires a shot at him, grazing his ear and drawing blood. "Where's Michael?" asks Jack. "Don't worry about Michael," says Hairy Man. "He's not gonna find us." Jack asks him what he wants and it would seem that Hairy Man is a tad chilly, because all he wants is for Locke to build them a fire. He's also dying for some gossip, apparently, because he wants them all to have a wee little chat. (On an entirely different note, the guy who's playing Hairy Man is someone named M.C. Gainey and, according to his IMDb bio, he frequently plays hillbilly characters up to no good. Guess the quip about the Deliverance banjos wasn't so off the mark, huh?)
Dharma Central. Hurley's no good at being alone, so he's brought along Charlie for the Button Watching Ceremony. They're paging through the stack of LPs, looking for something fun to listen to while they wait until they have to push Button of Doom. Hurley pulls out a "Geronimo Jackson" album and hands it to Charlie, who says, "As an expert on all things musical, I never heard of these guys, shocking as that may be." Uch. I love Dominic Monaghan, but Charlie bugs. "Expert on all things musical"? Is he kidding? Shut up, Drivesmack. Hurley finally finds an album that piques his interest and tells Charlie to put it on the turntable. Then he comes to the real reason he asked Charlie down here: Libby. He thinks he has a shot at Libby, seeing as they're on a desert island and all. Charlie looks over at Hurley and appears to ponder this, but then he just asks if Hurley thinks Claire's missing him yet and Hurley just rolls his eyes and says, "Dude. It's been a day." Heh. So, no then?
Just then, Sayid enters, looking like someone just ran over his puppy. Or shot his girlfriend. Or whatever. "This music is quite depressing," he says, even though no one asked him. No one asked you to come down to the shelter either, dude. Don't like the music? DON'T LISTEN. But Hurley has a soft spot for Sayid and jumps up all, we can change the music to something else! Something that'll lift your spirits! And make you think of something other than dead girls you barely knew but claim to love! Sayid asks where Jack and Locke are and Charlie says they've gone after Michael and Walt along with everyone else and Sayid's like, uh, everyone? Who's everyone? Hurley tells him that it was Jack, Sawyer, Locke, and Kate and you can tell Sayid's thinking, "Okay, that's hardly everyone. And since when am I not included in the 'everyone,' anyway? I am NOT crying. Shut up! I never liked those guys anyway!"
Speaking of those guys, they're still standing around staring at Hairy Man as a nice hearty fire roars between them. Locke asks how Hairy Man knows their names and Jack blurts out that he took Walt. Hairy Man just says that Walt's fine and that he's a very special boy. That may be, Hairy Man, but you just totally ooked me out right there with the way you just Jackson-ed out and said "special boy." Ew. Jack's all, you said you wanted to talk, so talk, dammit. This irritates Hairy Man, who asks how long they've been on the island. "Fifty days," says Jack. "Oooh, fifty days!" says Hairy Man with a note of derision in his voice. "Why, that's almost two whole months!" Judging by the amount of facial hair on this guy and the all-encompassing film of dirt all over his chest, I'd say that he passed the two-month marker quite some time ago. Also, introduce yourself to a bar of soap, there, Pigpen. ["And a razor. Amelia Earhart is stuck in your 'beard,' and she wants out." -- Sars]
Hairy Guy launches into this bizarre analogy where he equates the plane crash survivors to guests going over to someone's house for the first time, and if you were a first-time guest, would you take off your shoes and put your feet up on the coffee table and walk into the kitchen and eat food that doesn't belong to you and open doors you have no business opening? I…no? I guess not? Huh? He goes on to quote someone who said something about how man has been blessed with curiosity, and does Jack know the other one about curiosity? You know, and the cat? And the getting killed? GET IT? "This is not your island," says Hairy Man, "this is our island. And the only reason you're living on it, is because we let you live on it." Well, technically, Hairy Man, unless you were around back when the earth was known as Pangaea and you were a little bit of plankton that started out clinging to the shores of what would eventually become Australasia, I don't think you can really call it your island. You're an island-crasher just like the Lostaways, you just crashed here first. I'm just callin' 'em like I see 'em.
Jack kind of smiles in an evil sort of way and says he doesn't believe him. Hairy Man's like, "Which part don't you believe? The thing about the curiosity or the thing about this being our island?" Jack doesn't believe that there are multiple Others. He thinks there's just one other guy out in the jungle with a gun and that if Hairy Man had any real strength, he wouldn't have had to send Ethan, the spy. "That's an interesting theory," says Hairy Man. "LIGHT 'EM UUUUUUP!" Suddenly, more than a dozen torches light up in a circle around the clearing. So much for that idea, Jack. Also? Way to taunt the hillbilly.
Hairy Man tells Jack that right at the clearing, they got a line that shouldn't be crossed. It gets crossed, and there's gonna be trouble. He orders them to give up their weapons and turn around and go home. "No," says Jack, making me think that maybe he had a lobotomy for breakfast. You're surrounded by a bunch of scary island-living hillbilly motherfuckers, Jack. GO HOME. Locke agrees with me, because he's like, duuuuuude. But Jack's not having any of it. He wants to stay and fight, dammit! "I hoped it wouldn't come to this," says Hairy Man. "Bring her out, Alex!" "Her" is Kate, of course, and Hairy Man rips the bag off her head and says that she was following them because she's a Nosy Parker who hates to be left behind. Jack pretends to agonize over this for a minute or two, and Sawyer tries to move forward to rescue Kate, but Hairy Man puts a gun to her head and tells Jack he has a decision to make, and the faux-tension here could be cut with a butter knife because, duh, he's totally going to choose Kate and they're all going to drop their weapons and go home with their tails between their legs.
Hairy Man counts to three, but Jack stops him at two and drops his guns down onto a blanket. Locke and Sawyer follow suit. "You and me ain't done, Zeke," says Sawyer before he drops his gun. Hairy Man gets a glimmer of "this guy ain't kiddin'" in his eyes and then he grabs the guns and shoves Kate at Sawyer. He hugs her briefly and then removes her gag and bindings. "Jack…I…" she starts to say. Jack just looks at her in disgust and then looks away when he asks, "You all right?" Kate totally gets that she's messed up again, and answers that she's okay.
Meanwhile, back with the Tertiary Plotline That Has No Purpose, Jin's sitting on the beach, watching the sun rise. Sun comes out and asks him why he's up. He couldn't sleep. She asks if the Scouts are back yet and he says they aren't. He calls her "honey" and then says that he doesn't like being told what to do. He says it gently, though, so it doesn't come across as dicky as it could. Sun calmly says that being told what to do was her life for four years and she didn't much like it either. Jin takes this in and says that he supposes she didn't. He moves over to her and puts his arm around her and they smile at each other. Aw. I like Jin a lot more now that he's not ordering his whore of a wife to button up her blouse all the time. ["Did anyone else think he should have just asked her to come with?" -- Sars]
The Scouts are coming down the mountain, and Kate just can't leave well enough alone because she's all over Jack, telling him she was just trying to help and that she made a mistake. Jack ignores her. Wise man. But there's nothing Kate hates more than being ignored, so she grabs him by the arm and demands that he talk to her. "I'm sorry," she says, meaning she's sorry for following them when she shouldn't have. "Yeah, I'm sorry too," he says, meaning he's sorry he kissed her when she's so obviously in love with Sawyer. He walks off, and we head back to Jack's past.
Sarah's clearing the table as Jack enters, post-Gabby-kissing. Sarah asks how Brokeback Papa's operation went and Jack tells her that he died. She says she's sorry to hear that and continues clearing the dishes. Jack asks who was over and Sarah says it was her mom. I know. This conversation is scintillating, isn't it? Jack removes his jacket and rolls up his sleeves and meets Sarah at the sink, where he starts to dry the dishes she's washing. He thinks it's therapeutic to wash dishes and that it's cheaper than a shrink. If he really thinks that, I've got a sink I'd like to introduce him to.
Sarah looks at Jack sadly for a moment and then asks how the daughter took it. "She kissed me," says Jack. Wow. Way to soften the blow, dude. Sarah turns and looks at him and Jack says that he kissed Gabriela and that she kissed him back and that he doesn't know how it happened, but he made a mistake and it's his fault that their marriage isn't working. She's crying and so is he, and he promises that things are going to be different and he's going to work less and be there for her and he's gonna fix this and they're gonna go back to the way things were and he pulls her into his arms. They hug briefly, but she pulls back and says that she's leaving him. She was leaving him before he started making out with the Brokeback Ho, and that's why her mother was there: to help her pack. ["Which is why she waited to bring it up until he…started drying dishes? Who wrote this scene, David Lynch?" -- Sars] Jack moves away from her, his face pained. Sarah drops another bomb: she's been seeing someone. "Someone else," she says, in case he didn't get that she's been screwing around from the "seeing someone" remark. Sarah goes to leave and Jack tries to stop her with his tears. "You will always need something to fix," she says. Wow. Spot on, Sarah. Jack breaks down and we Jet Swoosh back to the present.
The Scouts are making their way back into camp. Kate's still trying to ineffectually stay near Jack, but he's completely ignoring her, which is really enjoyable for me. She finally stops bird-dogging him and he walks on. Sawyer stops to Kate and Locke passes by. "See ya, James," he quips. Hee. Sawyer glowers at him, but there's nothing he can really do about it at this point. Sawyer tells Kate not to beat herself up about it; if Jack had told him to stay behind, he'd have done the same thing she did. What, chase after them uninvited and get kidnapped by hairy rednecks? Somehow I doubt that. Kate stares after Jack as if her staring will somehow erase the fact that she made out with him in the jungle and then ran away like a little girl.
Down on the beach, Locke comes upon Claire and Aaron and he makes a failed attempt to coochie-coo the baby, but the baby's like, "Meee no likey Mr. Cleeeeeean!" Charlie sees this little scene and, since he can only think about himself, you can tell the thought bubble above his head reads, "Why can't the baby not like meeeeee?!" He kind of huffs and goes off to stare at his stash of Holy Heroin Virgin Mothers some more.
Jack wanders across the beach and comes upon Ana, kneeling on the sand and negotiating food rations with Vincent. The dog's all, "Gimme gimme gimme!" Ana's all, "I don't even LIKE dogs…oh, okay! Here's some mango, you wittle cutie!" She tosses some mango up near the trees and Vincent chases after it. Jack drops his pack and takes a seat to her. She says she heard about the Useless Journey of Michael Hunting. "Is it true that you killed one of them?" asks Jack. "One of who?" asks Ana. Um, one of the polar bears. WHO ELSE WOULD HE BE TALKING ABOUT? Jack clarifies by saying, "Them." Like, thanks for clearing that up, dude. Ana nods. "Sayid tells me that you're a cop," says Jack. "I was a cop," she responds. "Can I ask you something?" he says. "Shoot," she says. "How long do you think it would take to train an army?" Ana looks at him like he's suddenly sprouted aviator shades and a colonel's hat and has started talking about steers and queers.
Looks like Jack's about to go a little Army of Darkness all over some hairy hillbilly ass! Whoo!
week on Lost: Does Charlie go back on the H? Does Hurley meet someone he already knows? Does someone set the camp on fire? Does someone steal the baby? All these questions and more…will probably not be answered in the episode of Lost.