Everybody Hates Hugo

Okay, what? Oh, dream sequence. Something tells me the "Jin speaking English" preview from last week is coming up right away.

But first, Hurley chows down on a whipped cream and chocolate-covered sundae. Sure enough, we hear, "Hi there, Hurley," and the needle scratches across the record. Jin's standing in the doorway. "Jin, you're here," says Hurley. "I sure am," says Jin, pleasantly, in perfect English. "Dude, you're speaking English," says Hurley, whose fantasy self certainly has a penchant for stating the obvious. Jin replies that Hurley is in fact speaking Korean. And Hurley says, "I am?" only in what sounds to my untrained ear as Korean, albeit likely very accented Korean.

Suddenly there is a man in a chicken suit standing to Jin. He says nothing (chickens can't speak, I guess). Hurley asks, in Korean, what he's doing there. Jin says, in English, "Everything's going to change." We hear the familiar beeping as Hurley says "what?" and Jin says it again: "Everything's going to change." Hurley's silent, and Jin adds, "Have a cluckety-cluck-cluck day, Hugo." And the dude in the chicken suit opens his mouth to speak, only when he says "Hurley!" it's in Kate's voice.

Hurley comes to in front of the Ap(ocalypse)ple II, with Kate saying his name, and the timer at about 3:45. And please, let's hope that's it for the dream sequence, at least for this episode. I hate them on Six Feet Under, I hate them on The Sopranos. I hate them when co-workers stroll up to you and share them with you, and I don't believe I'm alone in this. ["You aren't." -- Sars] Kate strolls up and says, "You fell asleep?" and Hurley goes for the old "resting my eyes" standby, only he doesn't really sell it. Kate taps a piece of paper taped to the computer, saying the numbers are on it. Hurley says he remembers the numbers, and starts typing them in, as Kate explains that Locke went back to the beach, so she's taking the shift. "Jack told me about your job," she says, adding, "At least we have jobs again, right?" Whatever, fugitive Kate. Hurley says, "Hooray for us," and taps the Execute button.

Back on Craphole Beach, Hurley's washing his face when Charlie strolls up with Turniphead in his sling. Charlie says they need to have a little chat. "Don't worry. Mommy's off for a little walk, so it's just you, me and the baby," says Charlie, whatever all that's supposed to mean. Anyway, he wants to know what's in the hatch, and Hurley says, "Nothing, really," but Charlie says he's been out there a whole day and night, looking at nothing? Hurley says it's some sort of bunker, like from World War II, "only newer." Charlie asks what's in it, and Hurley says he doesn't know. Yet you know it's a bunker? says Charlie. "I guess someone told me?" says Hurley, rather unconvincingly. "You're going to lie to me?" says Charlie, incredulously. "You're going to lie to the baby?" he adds, in the first of many moments throughout tonight's episode in which I will wish I were physically able to punch him. Shot of Aaron the Turniphead looking rather unconcerned about what Hurley's saying. Hurley says he wouldn't lie, so Charlie brings up the time Hurley told him he's worth $150 million, which Hurley corrects to $156 million, and Charlie starts shouting that he must have confused it with the $900 trillion that he himself is worth. And he's ranting about how Aaron is made of chocolate lollipops, and if Hurley will excuse them, he's going to go flap his wings and fly off the island. Wow, wouldn't that be nice. Either Charlie's back into the heroin again, or, more likely, he's run out of heroin again. Hurley looks uncomfortable, like he really has to take a dump.

Hey, Rose is back! She's doing laundry, much to the chagrin of people with a little too much white guilt. Look, laundry needs to be done. For all we know, laundry is done on a rotation. And from what little we've seen of Rose, I have no doubt that she'd tell everyone to stick it if the chore divvying was done up under a "let the black woman do laundry" mentality. So unless you see Sawyer sitting on a verandah sipping a mint julep and watching her do the laundry, no need to panic. Wait, I think I could actually see that. But still, you get my point.

Hurley strolls up, says hello, and then "Doin' laundry, huh?" Again with the stating the obvious. "Don't you want to know what happened?" he says, meaning with the hatch. Rose tells him that's his business, even though Hurley says everyone's asking him what's down the hatch. Well, Charlie is, anyway. I don't think that counts as "everyone." Rose says that whatever's down the hatch-hole isn't going to help her get the laundry done, is it? And Hurley says it sort of is. She looks at him, surprised.

Hurley leads Rose through the jungle, saying, "It's around here, somewhere," before finally finding the hatch front door, overgrown with vines. Rose looks like she really doesn't know what to make of all this. Hurley opens the door and goes inside. She follows him down the stairs, and takes everything in. "Someone actually lived down here?" she says, and Hurley says uh-huh, and she asks what it's all for, and Hurley says, "It's kind of a long story." Yeah, but fortunately there's a film. Only Jack pops up and gets all pissed that Hurley brought Rose down there. "Who else did you tell?" he asks, and Hurley says he didn't tell anyone, butwell, everyone already knows about the hatch. Hurley says it's a big job, and he needs help. Besides, Rose is cool and won't tell anyone. "Honey, I don't even know what I would say," she says. Of course, despite what Hurley says about everyone asking him, I can't say it looks like the rest of the gang is too curious.

Interestingly, the boss is played by the same guy who played Locke's asshole Dave Grohl-look-alike boss Randy from "Walkabout." Only, with the different hairstyle and lack of facial hair, he doesn't look like Dave Grohl; more likea little Josh Charles-esque, actually. He asks Hurley if he's got anything he wants to tell him, in the manner you do when you know something and you want someone else to confess. Hurley says he doesn't, and Randy II asks if he's sure. Hurley is. So let's go to the tape: surveillance footage from last night, with Hurley sitting down, reading a magazine or something, and helping himself to a piece of chicken. He could even be doing it absentmindedly. Well, eight pieces of dark meat worth of absentmindedly, which is what Randy II says Hurley owes the company. "I didn't eat eight pieces!" protests Hurley, and Randy II asks if he wants to watch the whole tape. And while they're on the subject of Randy II being a total douchebag, stop wasting napkins, Hurley. It's two per customer. Randy II goes on about how "Mr. Cluck's" isn't made of money, and he isn't made of money, and Hurley isn't made of money, because if Hurley is made of money, then maybe he shouldn't be working here. And here's an anvil made of money being dropped on Hurley's head, so when Randy II asks if Hurley's got a problem with that, Hurley quits: "Dude, I quit."

Outside in the parking lot, Hurley's hyperventilating into a paper bag, although I'd think that quitting your Mr. Cluck's job would be a lot less stressful with a winning lottery ticket in your pocket. DJ Qualls comes out to see if Hurley's okay and to let him know that Randy (is that the general boss name for Lost? Is this a clue?) is "losing his brain" in there. Sounds messy. Locke urges Qualls to get back in or he'll be scrubbing johns for the rest of the week. "Doubt it. I quit too," says Qualls, much to Hurley's surprise. "Looks like we got ourselves a day off," says Qualls, who might want to examine a little more closely the consequences of quitting. For now, though, the world's his oyster, for "Who needs money when you've got good looks?" Hurley smiles; as far as that looks/money equation goes, it's fortunate for Qualls that Hurley's got $156 million in his pocket.

And hey, Locke's not on shift right now, so he's making the most of his time off by strolling through the jungle looking for food. He finds some yellowy thing, sniffs it, then takes out one of his 400 knives to peel it. Without looking up, he says, "You can come out now. I saw you back at the rock, and then at the mangrove tree." Locke explains that he's walked in a big circle, and he doesn't know how his mysterious shadow didn't know.

It's Charlie, so maybe he was high. He steps out, embarrassed, from the bush, saying Locke doesn't have to insult him. Well, someone has to. Locke chows down on his mangrove or papaya or whatever. Locke asks why Charlie's been following him. Turns out Charlie's pissed: "There are a lot of secrets around here. And I'm tired of being at the bloody kids' table." He whines that he got Claire's baby back. (Ribs?) He says he didn't go "swanning off" to the Black Rock on a bloody "A-team" mission, but he would have if someone had asked him. How cool would it be for Locke to patiently explain that while Charlie may be on the B-team, he's the leader of the B-team? "I think I'm entitled to some sodding answers around here," whines Charlie, and any time he wants to shut up is fine by me. "What do you want to know?" says Locke.

Back in the hatch-hole, Sayid's new job apparently consists of him hitting a door with some scrap metal. Jack strolls up to ask how it's going, and Sayid says it's not. He figures that past the door is concrete, eight to ten feet thick. I'd be really interested to know how he figures that. Jack says, "Hey, check this shit out," to paraphrase, and he leans forward and the key around his neck pulls away towards the wall like it did when Jack first ventured down the hole. "Interesting," says Sayid. His metal battering ram is made of titanium, which apparently has no magnetic attraction. "But we're not getting in up here," he says. "Up here?" asks Jack, so Sayid strolls over to a grate on the floor that he lifts up. "Perhaps we can go under it," he says. Great. A hatch within the hatch. Maybe we'll find out where this one goes in Season 3.

Back at the POW camp, Otherbisi lifts up the lid to Sawyer's rat hole and throws the rope down. "Grab the rope," he says. "I ain't doin' nothin' till I know my friends are okay," snarls Sawyer. "So we're friends now, huh," says a non-shackled or in any way trussed-up Michael, looking down into the hole. Sawyer, surprised, looks up at him, but doesn't say anything. Michael moves to make way for Ana-Lucia, who says, "Do it now, or the rope comes up."

Sawyer must just love being told what to do by a woman, but he grabs the rope and is hauled out of the hole. Jin's up there as well. "Howdy, boys," says Sawyer. "Thanks for the rescue." Michael explains that everything's cool, because they now believe our heroes were on the plane too. "Swell," says Sawyer, glaring at Ana-Lucia, who looks not in the least intimidated. "Guess we can all sue Oceanic together." Ana-Lucia notices something in Sawyer's hand, and asks what it is. Sawyer says "nothing," so Ana-Lucia asks if it's a rock, if he's looking for a little revenge. Sawyer's not admitting to anything, and Ana-Lucia tells him he has three seconds to drop it, and then, in a move that just may make me love her, counts only to two before cracking Sawyer across the jaw, dropping him to the ground (she likes doing that, I think). Then, to add injury to injury to insult to injury to injury, she stomps on his bullet-holed shoulder. Sawyer screams. Otherbisi stops Jin from stepping in. Sawyer, on his back, grunts that she didn't say three. Ana-Lucia tells him to shut up, then says, "When I tell you to do something, you do it. I say move, you move. I say stop, you stop. I say jump, what do you say?" "You first," snarls Sawyer. Yeah, we're all impressed with the way you're getting your ass kicked here, man. "You don't like the rules, I toss your ass back in the pit, right now. You understand?" says Ana-Lucia. As defiantly as he can (which isn't very), Sawyer says he understands, then struggles to his feet after Ana-Lucia gets off him. "It's getting dark," says Ana-Lucia. "We're moving out." Sawyer asks where they're off to, and gets a face full of Ana-Lucia because of it. "What did I just tell you?" she snaps, and Sawyer sarcastically says he forgot. "There's just one thing though," he adds. "You hit me again, I'll kill you." Ana-Lucia studies him, then smirks all "yeah right" -- that, or "I like this guy's spunk," I can't tell. So she stomps off, and Sawyer glares at her back. The others follow, and Sawyer stands there for a moment, drawing looks from Michael and Jin, clearly worried about pissing off Ana-Lucia even more. Geez, I don't think she's that bad. I shared a house with a teenage sister, so this would be a piece of cake. Shit, I'd like to introduce her to Charlie. Sawyer finally follows, bringing up the rear as the group heads into the jungle.

On the other side of the island, Locke has finished telling the story of crazy ol' Desmond and the pushing of the button every 108 minutes, a story that Charlie seems to have a hard time believing. "Didn't he sleep?" Locke says they didn't get a chance to ask him about that. "And after all that time he just up and left?" asks Charlie. Well, wouldn't you? Locke says he tried to track him, but Desmond didn't leave much of a trail. The way I remember it, Desmond was like a bull elephant charging through the jungle, but whatever, Locke. Charlie offers up the opinion that it all sounds a bit nutty. "It is what it is, Charlie," says Locke. Charlie wonders what happens if the button doesn't get pushed, but Locke says, "We're not going to find out." His job it turns out is working out a system to make sure the button gets pushed. He figures it'll be two-person shifts of about six hours apiece. That was Locke's job? Hurley totally got hosed. Charlie appears to find the business rather amusing. "Oh, and there's a record player," is Locke's final comment, and he gets up to go. Charlie asks him what Hurley's been doing there. "He's in charge of the food," says Locke. "Food?" asks Charlie. Locke told him about the presence of a record player before he mentioned the food?

Hurley's hanging out on a beautiful day that could only be spoiled by the return of Charlie, armed with more information about what's down the hatch-hole. "I know about the food. Locke told me everything," he says. Hurley says Locke's lying, and Charlie asks if Locke's also lying about the button that has to be pushed every 108 minutes. If you ask me, the button business is so ridiculous that Hurley could stick to his story about Locke's lies, since that would seem to be a perfect example. Instead, when he disputes that not pushing the button means the island's going to explode, Charlie knows he's got him. And he asks if there's any peanut butter. "What?" says Hurley, so Charlie says, "Nutty, creamy, staple of children everywhere." I THINK HURLEY KNOWS WHAT PEANUT BUTTER IS, YOU ASS, and Hurley admits that there's a couple of jars. "How about giving us one?" adding that it's for Claire. "No can do," says Hurley, like who even says "no can do" anyway? "You're saying no to a nursing mother?" snaps Charlie, and Hurley protests that it's not like that, and Charlie tells Hurley's become "one of them." You know, the Man? Management? And then he closes with, "I thought we were friends." You know, that thing that a real friend never actually says. Charlie says that Hurley's changed, and stomps off, and I have to say that if becoming the Man means that Charlie will stay away from you, it can't be that bad.

We flashback to Hurley and DJ Qualls flipping through CDs and coming across Driveshaft in the One-Hit Wonder section, and they do their best to sing "You All Everybody" but can't remember the words other than the title. Heh. And then, there is this, surely the single greatest line of dialogue ever uttered: "Driveshaft? More like Suck-shaft," says DJ Qualls. Extra points for the vulgar sexual connotations that the censors apparently had no problem with. Then Hurley says he's going to go check out the headphones, and Qualls's smirking "Sure, headphones," indicates Hurley's really going to check out something else.

And just so we don't close on a completely happy note, there's Sun, all alone, burying the bottle of messages, taking care not to be seen by anyone. It's a poignant scene, marred only slightly by continuity errors regarding whether she's wearing a wedding ring or not.

The music fades out as we return to the other side of the island, where our heroes are approached by the older man who opened the door to Goofus's hatch-hole. "Um, excuse me. Hi. Back where you guys, uh, where you came from -- is there a woman named Rose there?" "Black chick in her fifties?" says Sawyer, staring at him. White Guy In His Fifties nods. "Is she, is she okay?" Michael says she is, and White Guy practically breaks down, and thanks them. Michael introduces himself, and White Guy thanks him again, and introduces himself as Bernard. Even Sawyer looks like he's getting something caught in his throat as Michael pats an emotional Bernard on the arm. Put me in the camp of knowing this was Bernard as soon as we saw him. I'm not going to say I think it was racist to assume that Otherbisi was Bernard, but I do think if he had been, I'd have been a lot more surprised by the twenty-year-plus age difference than this interracial marriage.

Back on the beach, Rose sits alone, puts an Apollo chocolate bar in her pocket, and kisses Bernard's ring, still on her chain. She smiles.