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It's a Hurley-centric episode this week as the Inner Circle gets down to the business of looking after the hatch. Hurley's in charge of the food, specifically inventory and rationing. Only the secret of the Hatch-hole and all its glories starts to leak out, thanks to Hurley himself, who brings Rose in on the secret so she can help him (and not so he can help her with the laundry), and Locke, who tells Charlie about the food. So Charlie starts pestering Hurley for peanut butter (still hoping to get down Claire's pants, we see). Hurley sees the beginning of the problems wealth brings (relatively speaking), because it's going to be just like when he won the lottery. That's what the flashbacks are about -- the time in between when he saw his numbers had won and before he claimed the loot. He quits his job, pulls a prank on his asshole non-Dave-Grohl boss, makes a date with a cute girl named Starla, and makes his friend promise that things will never change between them. Unfortunately, things will change, because apparently Hurley bought his ticket at a convenience store where the clerk remembers everyone and their lottery numbers. So Hurley wants to use some dynamite to blow up the food, but Rose convinces him not to. So the lostaways have a big feast, and nobody hates Hugo at all!
Meanwhile, Jin, Sawyer and Michael are hauled out of the hatch to hang with totally NOT the Others, just others, as in other survivors from the plane. Ana-Lucia likes to yell at people and throw rocks at Sawyer, so I'm cool with that. They've taken shelter in what looks like another Dharma station, only it's not as nice. Imagine you took Swan Station and rented it to Motley Crue for a week; this is where the other survivors are staying. They numbered twenty-three to start, but appear to have dwindled significantly. But one of them is Rose's husband Bernard.
Oh, and Jin speaking English? Dream sequence. Total bullshit preview, guys. Not cool. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
When we open with a shot of a turntable needle dropping on another LP, so I was fully prepared for some more "Make Your Own Kind of Music." Instead, we get "My Conversation," by Slim Smith and the Uniques, a song and group I was not familiar with until this episode, much to my regret, as Hurley looks in awe around all the food in the Swan station Costco. He opens the candy. He has a chocolate bar and achieves chocogasm almost instantly. Kate's chocogasm seemed to take a little more effort. Isn't that always the way? He rips into a bag of potato chips. He cuts out the need for bowl or spoon by pouring first the cereal and then the milk directly into his mouth. Then he holds a banana over his open mouth and slices it over top. up, he opens a box that contains, um, a fully plated steak dinner, complete with biscuit and vegetables, and he grabs the steak with his hand and dips it in the mashed potatoes.Okay, what? Oh, dream sequence. Something tells me the "Jin speaking English" preview from last week is coming up right away.
But first, Hurley chows down on a whipped cream and chocolate-covered sundae. Sure enough, we hear, "Hi there, Hurley," and the needle scratches across the record. Jin's standing in the doorway. "Jin, you're here," says Hurley. "I sure am," says Jin, pleasantly, in perfect English. "Dude, you're speaking English," says Hurley, whose fantasy self certainly has a penchant for stating the obvious. Jin replies that Hurley is in fact speaking Korean. And Hurley says, "I am?" only in what sounds to my untrained ear as Korean, albeit likely very accented Korean.
Suddenly there is a man in a chicken suit standing to Jin. He says nothing (chickens can't speak, I guess). Hurley asks, in Korean, what he's doing there. Jin says, in English, "Everything's going to change." We hear the familiar beeping as Hurley says "what?" and Jin says it again: "Everything's going to change." Hurley's silent, and Jin adds, "Have a cluckety-cluck-cluck day, Hugo." And the dude in the chicken suit opens his mouth to speak, only when he says "Hurley!" it's in Kate's voice.
Hurley comes to in front of the Ap(ocalypse)ple II, with Kate saying his name, and the timer at about 3:45. And please, let's hope that's it for the dream sequence, at least for this episode. I hate them on Six Feet Under, I hate them on The Sopranos. I hate them when co-workers stroll up to you and share them with you, and I don't believe I'm alone in this. ["You aren't." -- Sars] Kate strolls up and says, "You fell asleep?" and Hurley goes for the old "resting my eyes" standby, only he doesn't really sell it. Kate taps a piece of paper taped to the computer, saying the numbers are on it. Hurley says he remembers the numbers, and starts typing them in, as Kate explains that Locke went back to the beach, so she's taking the shift. "Jack told me about your job," she says, adding, "At least we have jobs again, right?" Whatever, fugitive Kate. Hurley says, "Hooray for us," and taps the Execute button.
Back in the prison pits of the non-Others, Sawyer is -- you're never going to believe this -- complaining. Jin starts talking -- in Korean -- and gesturing upwards. "No way, no more human pyramids," snaps Sawyer, who's probably pissed because three people makes for a pretty shitty pyramid. Michael tries yelling, "Let me out!" like that has any shot at working. Sawyer tells him to "chill" and Michael says that every minute he spends down there is another minute his son is out there. Sawyer says that until "Rambina" and her buddies decide what to do with them, there isn't anything they can do about it.
Jin starts speaking Korean again, pointing at Sawyer's gunshot wound and looking concerned. Sawyer just sort of acknowledges this and then says, "Why don't you pee on it?" Thanks, guys. Going for the niche water-sports fan-fiction market, are you? And I know he was speaking English in a dream sequence, but again you can make a case that it looks like he understood Sawyer.
Now, Otherbisi (who isn't actually an Other, I suppose, but I don't know his name yet) lifts the lid on the pit, and lowers the rope. He gestures at Jin. "Grab the rope." Jin looks suspicious. "Please," says Otherbisi. So we know he's better versed in social pleasantries than Sawyer. Still, Jin doesn't move. Otherbisi stares at him. "Don't do it," says Sawyer. Ana-Lucia strolls up, crouches down, and calmly points a gun at Michael, telling Jin to climb up or she shoots his friend. I don't think you need to speak English to pick up on what she's saying. Jin gets on the rope and half-climbs/is half-pulled out. "You ," she says to Michael. Does she have the gun pointed at Sawyer now? Because you'd think she'd have to do better than that. "Don't do it," says Sawyer, telling Michael that the gun has only one bullet left. He's in the middle of saying "she ain't gonna waste it" when he's pegged in the head with a rock, dropping him to the ground and prompting an outburst of "son of a bitch" and the like. Girl's got an arm. Michael hops on the rope and is pulled out as well. Ana-Lucia looks at Sawyer, who says, "You want me, hot lips?" Guess not, because as he's sneering that she's going to have to come down and get him, she drops the lid back on the cage, which somehow plunges everything into pitch dark. Beat. Sawyer: "Bitch." Since "hot lips" doesn't appear to want Sawyer, I'd have figured him to go the "lesbo" route, but he says "bitch" instead.
We're back in a flashback with Hurley in his chicken-joint outfit, looking on in disbelief at his lottery ticket, which has the same numbers being read by the perky lady on television (and are, if you're just joining us, the same numbers used as the hatch-hole code). He passes out, and his mom from the kitchen is saying, "Hugo?" which is where we left the flashback last time. Now, she comes running in, slaps him a few times to bring him around. He says he just slipped, and she says, "Slipped sitting down? Is it your heart?" He says he's fine, and she knows he's lying because he's not looking her in the eye. He says he's not lying. "Then tell me what happened," she says, and he gives her a long look before saying that it must have been something he ate. That she agrees with because, as she puts it, all he eats is basura, which is junk food? ["garbage, roughly" -- Sars] and doesn't get any exercise. See, this is why he's not saying anything about the lottery, Ma. "I do exercise," he protests half-heartedly, but she fires back with "falling down is not exercise" and that the only exercise he actually gets is lifting a drumstick to his mouth. Ouch. Every day is the same, she bitches: "Work, then we eat chicken." That doesn't sound so bad to me, but she says, "You have to change your life, Hugo." She says no one else will do it for him, and then sarcastically suggests that maybe Jesus Christ will come down from heaven, take 200 pounds, and find him a decent woman and a new car. "Yes. Jesus can bring you a new car!" she says. She's kidding, but isn't that kind of the foundation of organized religion? Hurley asks her, what if he likes his life? What if he doesn't want to change? But the phone rings, and she says, brightly, "Oh! That must be Jesus!" She goes into the kitchen, answers the phone, then says, "Uno momento," then calls out that it is Jesus, and he wants to know what colour car Hurley wants. Damn, she's cold, but I couldn't stop laughing.
Back on Craphole Beach, Hurley's washing his face when Charlie strolls up with Turniphead in his sling. Charlie says they need to have a little chat. "Don't worry. Mommy's off for a little walk, so it's just you, me and the baby," says Charlie, whatever all that's supposed to mean. Anyway, he wants to know what's in the hatch, and Hurley says, "Nothing, really," but Charlie says he's been out there a whole day and night, looking at nothing? Hurley says it's some sort of bunker, like from World War II, "only newer." Charlie asks what's in it, and Hurley says he doesn't know. Yet you know it's a bunker? says Charlie. "I guess someone told me?" says Hurley, rather unconvincingly. "You're going to lie to me?" says Charlie, incredulously. "You're going to lie to the baby?" he adds, in the first of many moments throughout tonight's episode in which I will wish I were physically able to punch him. Shot of Aaron the Turniphead looking rather unconcerned about what Hurley's saying. Hurley says he wouldn't lie, so Charlie brings up the time Hurley told him he's worth $150 million, which Hurley corrects to $156 million, and Charlie starts shouting that he must have confused it with the $900 trillion that he himself is worth. And he's ranting about how Aaron is made of chocolate lollipops, and if Hurley will excuse them, he's going to go flap his wings and fly off the island. Wow, wouldn't that be nice. Either Charlie's back into the heroin again, or, more likely, he's run out of heroin again. Hurley looks uncomfortable, like he really has to take a dump.
Hey, Rose is back! She's doing laundry, much to the chagrin of people with a little too much white guilt. Look, laundry needs to be done. For all we know, laundry is done on a rotation. And from what little we've seen of Rose, I have no doubt that she'd tell everyone to stick it if the chore divvying was done up under a "let the black woman do laundry" mentality. So unless you see Sawyer sitting on a verandah sipping a mint julep and watching her do the laundry, no need to panic. Wait, I think I could actually see that. But still, you get my point.
Hurley strolls up, says hello, and then "Doin' laundry, huh?" Again with the stating the obvious. "Don't you want to know what happened?" he says, meaning with the hatch. Rose tells him that's his business, even though Hurley says everyone's asking him what's down the hatch. Well, Charlie is, anyway. I don't think that counts as "everyone." Rose says that whatever's down the hatch-hole isn't going to help her get the laundry done, is it? And Hurley says it sort of is. She looks at him, surprised.
Hurley leads Rose through the jungle, saying, "It's around here, somewhere," before finally finding the hatch front door, overgrown with vines. Rose looks like she really doesn't know what to make of all this. Hurley opens the door and goes inside. She follows him down the stairs, and takes everything in. "Someone actually lived down here?" she says, and Hurley says uh-huh, and she asks what it's all for, and Hurley says, "It's kind of a long story." Yeah, but fortunately there's a film. Only Jack pops up and gets all pissed that Hurley brought Rose down there. "Who else did you tell?" he asks, and Hurley says he didn't tell anyone, but…well, everyone already knows about the hatch. Hurley says it's a big job, and he needs help. Besides, Rose is cool and won't tell anyone. "Honey, I don't even know what I would say," she says. Of course, despite what Hurley says about everyone asking him, I can't say it looks like the rest of the gang is too curious.
Claire's strolling along the beach. As my wife dryly pointed out, she appears to have lost all the baby fat rather easily, not to mention quickly. I hadn't noticed, but that would be due to my mass-media-induced unrealistic expectation of feminine beauty. Well, actually I don't have that, except, thanks to this show, when it comes to plane-crash-surviving women. I have to imagine that should I ever crash-land on an island, I'm going to be awfully disappointed, unless there's a bunch of passengers en route to Babefest 2005.
Anyway, Claire notices something in the water, rolling in with the tide. She frowns, looks closer, sees it's a bottle. She scoops it up, and looks disappointed (and then concerned) when she sees it's the message-filled bottle last seen in the hands of the rafters heading out looking for rescue.
Jack leads Rose and Hurley into the pantry. Rose is amazed at all the food. Jack says it's only a matter of time before they're going to have to tell everyone what they found down there. "You know what to do?" he asks Hurley, and Hurley says, unenthusiastically, that he's to inventory all of it, and figure out how to make it last. Jack reminds him that until it's been accounted for, no one gets anything, no exceptions; that's Hurley's responsibility. The beeping starts again, in the distance, and Rose asks about it. "You don't want to know," says Hurley.
"Dharma Initiative salad dressing, ranch composite," Hurley reads from the label. "Sounds tasty." The Drifters are playing on the turntable. Hurley finds the Apollo chocolate bars that Kate snagged before, and asks if Rose has ever heard of that kind. "No, but candy is candy," she says. "That's what Bernard always says. Talk about a sweet tooth." Hurley asks her if Bernard was her husband, and she gently corrects his use of the past tense, but Hurley, confused, asks if Bernard wasn't in the tail section of the plane. Yes, says Rose, but Bernard's fine. She can feel it. And they get back to the inventory. "Everyone's going to hate me, Rose," he says. Rose disagrees, saying that Hurley's just about the only one on the island that everyone loves. "That'll change," says Hurley, sadly. Kate strolls in, asking if they found any shampoo. They did, and, despite Hurley's protests, Kate grabs some, brightly says thank-you, and strolls off. "It's just one bottle," says Rose. "This is where it starts," says Hurley.
Flashback to Hurley, in his Mr. Cluck's finery, standing behind the counter, staring some more at his lottery ticket. You know, I can see not cashing a lottery ticket right away. There's a lot of shit I'd have to work out. But I have to think that one certainty would be that I wouldn't be putting on a damn hairnet again, should I work a job that required one. But there's Hurley. One of his co-workers, the new guy, is trying to get his attention. Noticing that Hurley's spaced out, the co-worker, played by DJ Qualls (I'm confused. Is this guy a DJ? Or are those actually his initials?) asks him if he's okay. Hurley says he's fine, but that's about to change, as the boss yells, "Reyes! My office, now!" from off-screen.
Interestingly, the boss is played by the same guy who played Locke's asshole Dave Grohl-look-alike boss Randy from "Walkabout." Only, with the different hairstyle and lack of facial hair, he doesn't look like Dave Grohl; more like…a little Josh Charles-esque, actually. He asks Hurley if he's got anything he wants to tell him, in the manner you do when you know something and you want someone else to confess. Hurley says he doesn't, and Randy II asks if he's sure. Hurley is. So let's go to the tape: surveillance footage from last night, with Hurley sitting down, reading a magazine or something, and helping himself to a piece of chicken. He could even be doing it absentmindedly. Well, eight pieces of dark meat worth of absentmindedly, which is what Randy II says Hurley owes the company. "I didn't eat eight pieces!" protests Hurley, and Randy II asks if he wants to watch the whole tape. And while they're on the subject of Randy II being a total douchebag, stop wasting napkins, Hurley. It's two per customer. Randy II goes on about how "Mr. Cluck's" isn't made of money, and he isn't made of money, and Hurley isn't made of money, because if Hurley is made of money, then maybe he shouldn't be working here. And here's an anvil made of money being dropped on Hurley's head, so when Randy II asks if Hurley's got a problem with that, Hurley quits: "Dude, I quit."
Outside in the parking lot, Hurley's hyperventilating into a paper bag, although I'd think that quitting your Mr. Cluck's job would be a lot less stressful with a winning lottery ticket in your pocket. DJ Qualls comes out to see if Hurley's okay and to let him know that Randy (is that the general boss name for Lost? Is this a clue?) is "losing his brain" in there. Sounds messy. Locke urges Qualls to get back in or he'll be scrubbing johns for the rest of the week. "Doubt it. I quit too," says Qualls, much to Hurley's surprise. "Looks like we got ourselves a day off," says Qualls, who might want to examine a little more closely the consequences of quitting. For now, though, the world's his oyster, for "Who needs money when you've got good looks?" Hurley smiles; as far as that looks/money equation goes, it's fortunate for Qualls that Hurley's got $156 million in his pocket.
And hey, Locke's not on shift right now, so he's making the most of his time off by strolling through the jungle looking for food. He finds some yellowy thing, sniffs it, then takes out one of his 400 knives to peel it. Without looking up, he says, "You can come out now. I saw you back at the rock, and then at the mangrove tree." Locke explains that he's walked in a big circle, and he doesn't know how his mysterious shadow didn't know.
It's Charlie, so maybe he was high. He steps out, embarrassed, from the bush, saying Locke doesn't have to insult him. Well, someone has to. Locke chows down on his mangrove or papaya or whatever. Locke asks why Charlie's been following him. Turns out Charlie's pissed: "There are a lot of secrets around here. And I'm tired of being at the bloody kids' table." He whines that he got Claire's baby back. (Ribs?) He says he didn't go "swanning off" to the Black Rock on a bloody "A-team" mission, but he would have if someone had asked him. How cool would it be for Locke to patiently explain that while Charlie may be on the B-team, he's the leader of the B-team? "I think I'm entitled to some sodding answers around here," whines Charlie, and any time he wants to shut up is fine by me. "What do you want to know?" says Locke.
Back in the hatch-hole, Sayid's new job apparently consists of him hitting a door with some scrap metal. Jack strolls up to ask how it's going, and Sayid says it's not. He figures that past the door is concrete, eight to ten feet thick. I'd be really interested to know how he figures that. Jack says, "Hey, check this shit out," to paraphrase, and he leans forward and the key around his neck pulls away towards the wall like it did when Jack first ventured down the hole. "Interesting," says Sayid. His metal battering ram is made of titanium, which apparently has no magnetic attraction. "But we're not getting in up here," he says. "Up here?" asks Jack, so Sayid strolls over to a grate on the floor that he lifts up. "Perhaps we can go under it," he says. Great. A hatch within the hatch. Maybe we'll find out where this one goes in Season 3.
Back at the POW camp, Otherbisi lifts up the lid to Sawyer's rat hole and throws the rope down. "Grab the rope," he says. "I ain't doin' nothin' till I know my friends are okay," snarls Sawyer. "So we're friends now, huh," says a non-shackled or in any way trussed-up Michael, looking down into the hole. Sawyer, surprised, looks up at him, but doesn't say anything. Michael moves to make way for Ana-Lucia, who says, "Do it now, or the rope comes up."
Sawyer must just love being told what to do by a woman, but he grabs the rope and is hauled out of the hole. Jin's up there as well. "Howdy, boys," says Sawyer. "Thanks for the rescue." Michael explains that everything's cool, because they now believe our heroes were on the plane too. "Swell," says Sawyer, glaring at Ana-Lucia, who looks not in the least intimidated. "Guess we can all sue Oceanic together." Ana-Lucia notices something in Sawyer's hand, and asks what it is. Sawyer says "nothing," so Ana-Lucia asks if it's a rock, if he's looking for a little revenge. Sawyer's not admitting to anything, and Ana-Lucia tells him he has three seconds to drop it, and then, in a move that just may make me love her, counts only to two before cracking Sawyer across the jaw, dropping him to the ground (she likes doing that, I think). Then, to add injury to injury to insult to injury to injury, she stomps on his bullet-holed shoulder. Sawyer screams. Otherbisi stops Jin from stepping in. Sawyer, on his back, grunts that she didn't say three. Ana-Lucia tells him to shut up, then says, "When I tell you to do something, you do it. I say move, you move. I say stop, you stop. I say jump, what do you say?" "You first," snarls Sawyer. Yeah, we're all impressed with the way you're getting your ass kicked here, man. "You don't like the rules, I toss your ass back in the pit, right now. You understand?" says Ana-Lucia. As defiantly as he can (which isn't very), Sawyer says he understands, then struggles to his feet after Ana-Lucia gets off him. "It's getting dark," says Ana-Lucia. "We're moving out." Sawyer asks where they're off to, and gets a face full of Ana-Lucia because of it. "What did I just tell you?" she snaps, and Sawyer sarcastically says he forgot. "There's just one thing though," he adds. "You hit me again, I'll kill you." Ana-Lucia studies him, then smirks all "yeah right" -- that, or "I like this guy's spunk," I can't tell. So she stomps off, and Sawyer glares at her back. The others follow, and Sawyer stands there for a moment, drawing looks from Michael and Jin, clearly worried about pissing off Ana-Lucia even more. Geez, I don't think she's that bad. I shared a house with a teenage sister, so this would be a piece of cake. Shit, I'd like to introduce her to Charlie. Sawyer finally follows, bringing up the rear as the group heads into the jungle.
On the other side of the island, Locke has finished telling the story of crazy ol' Desmond and the pushing of the button every 108 minutes, a story that Charlie seems to have a hard time believing. "Didn't he sleep?" Locke says they didn't get a chance to ask him about that. "And after all that time he just up and left?" asks Charlie. Well, wouldn't you? Locke says he tried to track him, but Desmond didn't leave much of a trail. The way I remember it, Desmond was like a bull elephant charging through the jungle, but whatever, Locke. Charlie offers up the opinion that it all sounds a bit nutty. "It is what it is, Charlie," says Locke. Charlie wonders what happens if the button doesn't get pushed, but Locke says, "We're not going to find out." His job it turns out is working out a system to make sure the button gets pushed. He figures it'll be two-person shifts of about six hours apiece. That was Locke's job? Hurley totally got hosed. Charlie appears to find the business rather amusing. "Oh, and there's a record player," is Locke's final comment, and he gets up to go. Charlie asks him what Hurley's been doing there. "He's in charge of the food," says Locke. "Food?" asks Charlie. Locke told him about the presence of a record player before he mentioned the food?
Hurley's hanging out on a beautiful day that could only be spoiled by the return of Charlie, armed with more information about what's down the hatch-hole. "I know about the food. Locke told me everything," he says. Hurley says Locke's lying, and Charlie asks if Locke's also lying about the button that has to be pushed every 108 minutes. If you ask me, the button business is so ridiculous that Hurley could stick to his story about Locke's lies, since that would seem to be a perfect example. Instead, when he disputes that not pushing the button means the island's going to explode, Charlie knows he's got him. And he asks if there's any peanut butter. "What?" says Hurley, so Charlie says, "Nutty, creamy, staple of children everywhere." I THINK HURLEY KNOWS WHAT PEANUT BUTTER IS, YOU ASS, and Hurley admits that there's a couple of jars. "How about giving us one?" adding that it's for Claire. "No can do," says Hurley, like who even says "no can do" anyway? "You're saying no to a nursing mother?" snaps Charlie, and Hurley protests that it's not like that, and Charlie tells Hurley's become "one of them." You know, the Man? Management? And then he closes with, "I thought we were friends." You know, that thing that a real friend never actually says. Charlie says that Hurley's changed, and stomps off, and I have to say that if becoming the Man means that Charlie will stay away from you, it can't be that bad.
We flashback to Hurley and DJ Qualls flipping through CDs and coming across Driveshaft in the One-Hit Wonder section, and they do their best to sing "You All Everybody" but can't remember the words other than the title. Heh. And then, there is this, surely the single greatest line of dialogue ever uttered: "Driveshaft? More like Suck-shaft," says DJ Qualls. Extra points for the vulgar sexual connotations that the censors apparently had no problem with. Then Hurley says he's going to go check out the headphones, and Qualls's smirking "Sure, headphones," indicates Hurley's really going to check out something else.
The "something else" would be the clerk played by Marguerite Moreau, who has the same undying love from me that I give to everyone involved with Wet Hot American Summer. She greets "Hugo!" so enthusiastically that I was a little bit jealous. "Star-LA!" he responds. She asks why the two "chuckleheads" aren't at work, and Hurley casually says they're "exploring other opportunities," which Starla takes to mean that they quit. Hurley gives her a wide smile and nods. Qualls, like a good wingman, comes by to praise Hurley's decision, making him out to be a wild man. Hurley asks to try on a pair of headphones, while Starla flirtingly tells him that he's messing with her world view. After all, he's her rock, and if he quits his job, that means that bees will stop making honey and flowers will die and the whole damn thing will fall apart. So either she wants him, so good for Hugo, or she considers him so non-sexual that she sadly doesn't realize that talking to him like this could potentially break his heart. He tries on the headphones, and then practically has to shout so he can hear himself over the music, so she takes them off. He starts again, awkwardly: "The Hold Steady's playing the Troubadour this weekend, and I was wondering, maybe Friday…" and she interrupts him to say that she has to work. It sounds so convincingly like she's trying to blow him off without hurting his feelings that he starts trying to downplay the seriousness of the invitation, when she quickly asks if they could go Saturday instead. He stares at her for a moment, like he can't believe it, and says "that's totally cool." And she smiles at him. Does anyone doubt that Hurley believes that a smile like that is more valuable than the lottery ticket he has in his pocket?
As they leave the store, Qualls is amazed that Hurley finally made a move after crushing on Starla for months, calling him "frickin' Fabio." He wants to know what's gotten into him. "Nothing," says Hurley. "I just wanted to ask her out before…" He trails off. "Before what?" asks Qualls, and Hurley says "nothing."
Underneath Swan station, Sayid and Jack are crawling along the pipes and concrete pillars. "This is the last duct," says Sayid. "I believe we're under the area where we began. They poured concrete all the way down here too." He's brought his titanium battering ram with him and starts hammering again. No good, it's just as thick. Jack suggests that there might be a way around it, so they crawl around looking. Jack wonders what all the pipes are, and Sayid's best guess is that there's a "geo-thermal generator" behind the wall. "That's the power source," he explains. That's a better guess than mine, which would have been a really, really long extension cord from Madagascar. Sayid notes that the pipes are very hot. Anyway, they're blocked from finding out what's behind the big door, so they pause for a moment while Jack asks Sayid what he thinks the whole Swan station thing is about. "The last time I heard of concrete being poured over everything in this way was Chernobyl," he says. I don't know what that means. Doesn't Chernobyl play for the Spurs?
They're interrupted from considering this by a sudden clanging and hissing of the pipes. "Did you hit something?" asks Jack, and Sayid says, "I don't think so. I think it's coming from over there." Jack's going to go check it out.
He pushes up a grate in the floor and climbs out, as we see steam billowing along the floor and hear the sound of water on concrete. And it turns out, the entire Swan Station experiment is a contrived reason to get Kate a shower scene. Jack can't stop grinning as he asks a surprised, towel-clad Kate how the shower is, and she says that the pressure sucks and the water went cold at one point and it kind of smells like sulfur, but hey, it's a shower. "You could use one," she suggests, not in a "you stink" kind of way, but in a "concern for his welfare" kind of way, and she's not too pissed to be caught in the shower by him, but I doubt she would be. Maybe later, says Jack, and she says she'll leave the shampoo for him. Shampoo. His hair doesn't even grow, so he can probably wipe it off with a washcloth.
On the other side of the island, our heroes continue marching through the jungle with some of the other survivors. The woman in front of Michael stumbles, and he helps her, and she introduces herself as Libby. She asks how many of them there are on the other side of the island. "When we left, around forty," he says, and asks how many of them survived the crash. "Twenty-three," she says. End of the small talk.
At the back of the line, Otherbisi asks Sawyer if he's all right. "Now you give a damn," says Sawyer. Otherbisi says he said he was sorry, and that it was a misunderstanding. "A misunderstanding is when you bring me lemonade instead of iced tea," says Sawyer. Or a mint julep. Up ahead, Ana-Lucia snaps that she said "no talking!" "He was talking to me!" says Sawyer, which didn't work for anybody who used it for the last time back in Grade Four. Anyway, they're here, says Ana-Lucia, only there doesn't appear to be anything. Sawyer sarcastically asks if she's going to beam them up, and at some point I have to wonder if Sawyer actually enjoys getting beaned with rocks. Ana-Lucia ignores him, however, and pulls aside some brush to reveal an entrance, not surprisingly, much like Swan Station's. She knocks, and the door is opened from the inside by an older white gentleman, who, due to his skin colour, I'm going to state cannot possibly be Bernard.
They make their way down the stairs into a hatch-hole that structurally is similar to Swan station, but if Swan station had been abandoned and looted years ago. It's dark and empty, with a few people standing around a single light source. Michael looks terrified. "I thought you said there were twenty-three of you," he says to Libby, who quietly says, "There were." Jin and Sawyer exchange looks, because…Jin understands? And Michael makes his horrified face. Do you guys have any follow-up questions you might want to ask before we go to commercial? No? Not curious about anything? Okay then.
Sun's working in her garden when Shannon and Claire stroll up. Book club meeting already? No, Shannon and Claire look like something's wrong. Claire explains that she found something in the water; she told Shannon, and they decided Sun should know. Shannon hands over the bottle of messages. Sun doesn't say anything. "We thought you should decide what to do with it." Sun looks stricken.
Back in the hatch-hole, Locke's checking out the rifles (figures) when Hurley stomps up. "Why'd you tell Charlie, man?" "Because he asked, Hugo," is the reply. Hurley says Locke shouldn't have, and they shouldn't have gone down the hatch in the first place, like Hurley warned, because now everything's changed. Locke tries saying that change is good, but Hurley says people always say that even though it isn't true. And now he has to be the bad guy who won't give peanut butter to the "cute blonde" and her "poor island baby." So his decision is that he's not going to do the job, because he doesn't want to, prompting an old geezer lecture from Locke about how he's had lots of jobs that he didn't want to do but he still did them. "You don't get to quit," he says. "Okay then," says Hurley, sounding like someone who's come up with a better idea.
Hurley strolls through the jungle, looking for something. He finds it, wrapped up, stashed in a small stand of trees. He unwraps the package, gingerly, for it is a few sticks of dynamite. You know, there's no problem that can't be solved with a couple sticks of dynamite, I always say.
Flashback to Hurley and Qualls ripping off garden gnomes from some poor middle-class sap. They've got dozens stashed in the back of Qualls's van, which they then are arranging artfully on the front of some other poor middle-class sap's front lawn. Said sap comes out the front door and Hurley and Qualls skedaddle, leaving a gnome-spelled "CLUCK YOU" on the front lawn of Randy II. (Qualls even yells, "Cluck you, Randy!" as they peel on out, laughing.)
A jubilant DJ Qualls tells Hurley (who he calls "Huggy Bear") that if there's anything else he wants to do, he better speak up, because their day off is almost at an end, and in the morning they're going to have to find new employment. He suggests a couple of places, one of which's main attraction is apparently a chick that Qualls digs. Hurley, enjoying the fuck out of his life, asks Qualls to promise that whatever happens, they'll never change. That this'll never change. You know where he's going with this, but you have to think that when he and Starla settle down to have little Hurley Jrs., he's not going to have as much time to bomb around in vans stealing lawn gnomes. At least, you'd hope not. Qualls thinks he's finally figured out why Hurley's been acting weird lately: he's going to have the stomach-stapling surgery done (nice job in nailing the affectionate teasing that only close friends get to do), but Hurley says he's not having surgery. "Aw, c'mon man, it's cool. I could still be all surprised and be like, 'Oh my, Hurley. Is that you?'" Hurley laughs, but still makes him promise that the two of them will always stay the same, and Qualls drops a little Outsiders on him: "Not only will I stay gold, Ponyboy, I will drink to it." He takes out his wallet, looks in it. "Can I borrow two bucks?" Hurley starts laughing.
Back down in the hatch-hole Costco, Hurley's become quite adept at setting dynamite now, I see. He's sticking the fuse in one of the pieces when Rose comes in. "What have you got there, Hurley?" Hurley can't really come up with a cover story. I mean, it's dynamite. So he just admits what it is. Rose asks what he's doing with it, and he says he's sorry, but he can't let it happen again.
Flashback to Hurley and Qualls pulling into a gas station. "Why is there a news crew here?" asks Qualls, as there is indeed a news crew, if not a full-blown press conference, interviewing the store clerk. Hurley tells Qualls he doesn't want to stop here, and urgently tries to make Qualls leave: "Dude, let's go, they jack the prices here." But Qualls is undeterred, wondering if maybe somebody got shot. He gets out of the van, and a forlorn Hurley pulls the ticket out of his pocket and stares at it.
Back in the hatch-hole, Rose pleads with Hurley, telling him he's going to hurt somebody. Hurley says he'll do it from outside the door and asks Rose to leave. Rose: "No, you hauled me off of the beach and you dragged me into this place -- the least I can get is an explanation before you blow it up." Hurley yells that she doesn't get it, that the food is going to mess it all up.
Quick cut back to the gas station: Qualls yelling at Hurley that someone won the lottery.
Back to the hatch-hole. Hurley goes off on Rose: "Let me tell you something, Rose. We were all fine before we had any potato chips! But now we've got these potato chips and everybody's going to want them. So Steve gets them, and Charlie's pissed -- but he's not pissed at Steve, he's pissed at me." You sure you don't mean Scott?
Back at the gas station, the clerk, with television camera lights in his face, looks across the parking lot, in the middle of the night, into the van at the guy sitting in the passenger seat, and apparently recognizes him and remembers that he was the one who played the winning numbers. And I'm sorry, but no. And stop sending me possible explanations, please, especially if they don't add up. Yes, the gas station gets a bonus for selling the winning ticket, but they get that whether a ticket is claimed or not. And don't bother telling me that the store would have checked the surveillance tapes at the time the winning ticket was sold. No lotto commission in the world would ever release any more information other than where the winning ticket was sold. You know why? Because it would be incredibly irresponsible, if not downright dangerous -- and it goes without saying, legally actionable -- for a lotto commission to identify or cause to be identified a person who is suddenly worth $156 million when as far as they know that person doesn't even know yet that he's won. How many con artists and criminals would potentially be on the lookout for Hurley or any lottery winner who hasn't redeemed his ticket? I also enjoyed the fact that all these news organizations waited until the middle of the night to do a story on the Kwik-E-Mart clerk with the amazing memory.
I suppose I shouldn't get too caught up in the implausibility of this particular scene on this show. But the implausibilities are starting to pile up. Anyway, the point of this scene is that the cameras and the reporters and the people swarm the van, while Hurley looks dismayed and Qualls looks hurt. And while that happens, all in slow motion, present-day Hurley blabbers thusly: "And I'm going to be in the middle of it. And then it's going to be: 'Well, what about us -- why didn't I get any potato chips? C'mon, help us out, Hurley. Why did you give Kate the shampoo? And why didn't I get the peanut butter?' Then, they'll get really mad and start asking: why does Hugo have everything -- why should he get to decide? Then they'll all hate me. I don't know what to do."
Here's what I'm enjoying about Lost this season: the episode-by-episode parceling out of information about stuff on the island. We're learning a little more each week.
Here's what I'm not enjoying about Lost this season: ridiculous scenes that are so contrived as to undercut the emotion they strive for. Like Locke insisting that it has to be Jack who pushed the button (bonus points for that annoyance, because we've been getting hit over the head with Jack's science vs. Locke's faith for ages now). And tonight's episode is terrible for this. Present-day Hurley saw how his wealth apparently changed things back in his own life. Well, here's a tip, Hurley, and I'm saying this understanding that maybe at some point we'll learn a little more about what happens to his friendship with Qualls. But assuming it changed, Hurley might want to consider that perhaps Qualls was hurt that Hurley didn't trust him enough to tell him about the lottery win. Meanwhile, in the hatch-hole, Hurley is upset that everybody's going to hate him, so he's going to BLOW UP THE FOOD. The everyday interactions between the characters are starting to become a little more unbelievable than the bioengineered sharks and Lostzillas, if you ask me.
Looks like Hurley came up with a better way to make people not hate him -- yeah, even better than blowing up food. On the beach, he's pleading with Jack: "Come on, Jack, the inventory's done. This is the only way." "Are you serious?" says Jack, and Hurley says that there's enough food for one guy to have three meals a day for three months. Well, I saw how much food there was, and at the risk of sounding indelicate, perhaps Hurley was not the best person to judge how long it would last. "You put me in charge; this is what we're doing," says Hurley. Jack agrees, somewhat to Hurley's surprise, and he starts to smile.
OH, SWEET. Are there any sweeter words to a recapper than "extended dialogue-free musical montage"? Maybe "Bachelorettes In Alaska series finale." But like Team America World Police, we need a montage. Apparently, Hurley's plan is to just have a big feast and let everybody chow down. He carries a jar of peanut butter over to Charlie and hands it off without saying a word. Charlie looks back and smiles as Hurley continues distributing food. It looks like a Hawaiian singles mixer with everyone laughing and eating. There's Shannon eating and giving food to Vincent. Awwww. It's amazing to me the degree to which, now that I'm a dog owner, I love not only my dog, but all dogs. So LOOK AFTER VINCENT, Shannon. There's Jack and Kate eating and talking. There's Claire looking in on the impossibly cute Turniphead, who laughs and rolls around. There's Charlie stalking Claire and handing over the jar of peanut butter, and she practically spits out her water, she's so delighted. She opens the jar, sniffs the peanut butter, and then disgustingly sticks her fingers right in the jar. Sure hope no one else wants any peanut butter, Claire. Charlie smiles as Claire thanks him and smiles beatifically at him. Another shot of Kate and Jack talking, and Kate smacking Jack when he reaches for her food. Did they get married or something? There's Locke smiling. There's Hurley getting his back patted by everyone on the beach, and getting a big hug from Charlie, who I guess likes Hurley again after getting some peanut butter to impress Claire with.
And just so we don't close on a completely happy note, there's Sun, all alone, burying the bottle of messages, taking care not to be seen by anyone. It's a poignant scene, marred only slightly by continuity errors regarding whether she's wearing a wedding ring or not.
The music fades out as we return to the other side of the island, where our heroes are approached by the older man who opened the door to Goofus's hatch-hole. "Um, excuse me. Hi. Back where you guys, uh, where you came from -- is there a woman named Rose there?" "Black chick in her fifties?" says Sawyer, staring at him. White Guy In His Fifties nods. "Is she, is she okay?" Michael says she is, and White Guy practically breaks down, and thanks them. Michael introduces himself, and White Guy thanks him again, and introduces himself as Bernard. Even Sawyer looks like he's getting something caught in his throat as Michael pats an emotional Bernard on the arm. Put me in the camp of knowing this was Bernard as soon as we saw him. I'm not going to say I think it was racist to assume that Otherbisi was Bernard, but I do think if he had been, I'd have been a lot more surprised by the twenty-year-plus age difference than this interracial marriage.
Back on the beach, Rose sits alone, puts an Apollo chocolate bar in her pocket, and kisses Bernard's ring, still on her chain. She smiles.