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Huge shout-out to everyone on the boards who is not insane. All four of you. You know who you are.
Okay: six people, dropped in a desert, facing obstacles, on a reality game show. Got it? Tonight, one of the teams "will cross an ocean." I will try not to "barf."
Lando and Calrissian are chilling on the cruise ship they "begged their way onto." The "sea is churning." Lando is seasick, but Calrissian is still on top of her game and heads out to try to get some more cash to get them home. She's knocking on doors of the cruise ship, all, "Hellooooo? Give me money?"
Three days behind lag the Blondes, who have leeched onto a Russian family traveling on the same sixty-six-hour trans-Siberian "express." They eat the family's food. Tami makes the thirteen-year-old daughter a hair band from a rubber band and yarn. Go, Momgyver! Celeste bleats her oft-repeated "you can tell Tami is a mom" mantra. Oh my god, we know. Tami says that the love of her family gives her the strength to "do many more things," like be on stupid reality game shows, or something. Then, we see a home-video clip of Tami's son being asked whether he thinks Tami-Mommy is the strongest person in the world. Vigorous head shake "no." Who is stronger, then? "God." Ah, kids! They say the funniest fucking things. Hey, that gives me a great idea for a TV show! Oh no. Wing? Hold me. I know it's early on, but still.
Joe and Courtland land in Moscow, putting them in the geographical and tactical lead. Courtland believes that they should hop a train to Vienna that same day. Maybe he has a hankering for some of those fingers. Or those sausages. They slog through the airport, yelling for help, in English. They come up to a shuttle-bus thing, and a woman inside is like, "I heard you. You need help." Team Pink is like, "Yesss!" Do they not see the irony? She sits bemusedly listening to them natter on about how they almost quit but now they think they're winning. She really cares, I can tell.
Lando, still seasick, sits up and accepts Calrissian's offering of "Dramamine, mon." Hee. Calrissian then "goes out to hustle a cute man to get [them] some money." Oh my. Bamp chicka wah wah! We actually get a montage set to music of Calrissian schmoozing Russian guys -- including the ship's captain -- sitting on laps and giving out her phone number and the like. Lando stays in his bunk, groaning. I sit on my couch, groaning.
The Third Lost
The Blondes sell off some of their camping gear for cash. Then, they de-train in Vladivostok, from whence Lando and Calrissian left three days earlier. One of the Blondes' train homies puts them in the direction of a travel agent, who says in heavily accented English that the boat to Japan will depart "maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe later." Celeste looks worried. Maybe Celeste should get off her bony ass and hustle a little instead of just wasting away before our eyes.
Joe and Courtland's train to Vienna? Doesn't exist. There is a train to Warsaw. They decide to take it, though Joe's capped smile looks forced and Courtland looks crumpled and defeated.
Calrissian comes out of her cabin with an already-opened bottle of red wine. Oh man, how do you say "roofies" in Russian? She sighs and giggles, then heads into a cabin with some Russian dudes, pours them a glass each, and says they need a ride, then a plane from Tokyo to New York: "Money, we need money." The Russian guys cackle in a scary, date-rape kind of way.
Voice-Over Guy nails it: "The harshness of Moscow is overwhelming to Joe and Courtland." Dude, I'd think the harshness of anything outside of a Gap or a Chi-Chi's would be overwhelming to these lunkheads. A seizure-inducing sequence of gritty, gritty (gritty!) Moscow flashes by (ooh, people smoking! People standing on a street corner!) as Team Pink slogs by toting backpacks. Joe says that since they can't afford the train ticket, they're going to be "homeless in Moscow." Yeah, if only there were an embassy or something they could go to. I am so sure these two pampered show ponies will sleep on the street, not.
Celeste files her nails (no comment) as Tami frets about their situation. A "woman upstairs thinks the governor should know about this...." Woman upstairs? Is the talking about God? Or Mary-Ellis Bunim? So this woman said to wait, and that the governor would take care of them, and the Blondes saw the boat leave. "Aaah!" says Celeste, "all I have left is my sense of humor. And some serious B.O." And now, all Celeste has is the B.O. Isn't this show sad? What it does to people? Not the actual contestants, I mean -- me.
Calrissian slugs back wine with the very creepy touchy-feely Russian dudes. Lando says he will "do whatever he has to do -- not whatever, but, you know, [he'll] do something." Hee. Good looks and brains, what a package.