Tabula Rasa

Midsection Beach. Castaways are sorting through luggage, and this is our first chance to see a number of the extraneous survivors whom we won't meet until they serve as Iron Giant Chow. There's a pretty woman foolishly wearing big hoop earrings, and a handsome dude staring at a photograph, and several pale, shirtless men who should be burnt to a crisp by now, and at least one couple, and what could be either a girl about Walt's age or maybe a smallish woman or maybe a regular-sized woman who's just far away. (Our TV isn't the greatest.) Marshal Shrap merrily bleeds away while Jack tries to stitch him up. "Don't trust her," Shrap gasps. "She's dangerous. She committed...an unspecified crime!" Jack humors him until Shrap mentions the handcuffs, and then tells Jack to look in his jacket pocket. There Jack finds Kate's mug shot, from "Harrison Valley," wherever that is. Kate Beckinsale's no Nick Nolte, but it's still a pretty good Smoking Gun-style mug. I notice the shot wasn't taken at an angle greater than 45 degrees.

Up on the mountain. The expedition team who went signal-hunting last episode is trudging along. The timeframe appears to be later the same day they heard the SOS of Dooooooom. Kate looks sad and pensive. Sayid suggests they should make camp before they reach the jungle, and Sawyer insists he's going to make it back to the beach. "Afraid the trees are going to get us?" Sawyer asks. "No," Sayid says. "What is knocking down the trees will get you." Sawyer says if they're so worried about him, they could give him the handgun's clip back. "Put your gun back in your pants, Sawyer," Kate says, which is a metaphor. She means he should put away his "attitude," and his "penis." "Sayid's right: if you keep walking, you're not going to make it to the beach." Sawyer asks why, and there's a cut to Kate, and then one to Charlie looking guilty, and then to Kate again, who says, "Trust me." Wait a goddamn minute! So now the show's trying to telegraph that they haven't told anyone about the fate that befell the pilot? Then how did Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity know?

Campfire! Having just finished a rousing group rendition of "Leavin' On a Jet Plane," the expeditioners try to determine their position. Sayid asks Kate to confirm that the pilot said he lost communication with the ground, which she does. So what the fuck? I guess they know? So what was the point of that entire last scene? Charlie asserts that they'll be found, noting that there are satellites in space that can take pictures of your hydroponic opium greenhouse -- er, "your license plate." Sayid makes an extremely vague point about satellite photography that doesn't really prove anything, but does nicely set up Charlie's "Bollocks." Oh, funny British man, what will you say ? Sawyer goes off on an expository rant about last week's SOS, containing no new information other than his pet names for Sayid ("Abdul") and Kate ("Freckles"). This whole scene is a gigantic waste of time and should have been cut. Sayid announces that they're not going to tell the rest of the castaways about the SOS because it will just sap morale: "Hope is a very dangerous thing to lose." The music gets all dramatic as they dwell on this. For the record, not telling people about the SOS is a dumb idea, Sayid.

Midsection Beach. "Was it a dinosaur?" Hurley asks. They're putting up tarps around Marshal Shrap's Bleeding and Groaning Emporium. "It wasn't a dinosaur," Jack replies. But if you didn't see it, Hurley asks, "then how do you know it wasn't a dinosaur?" "Because dinosaurs are extinct," Jack tartly notes. "Oh," Hurley says, throwing just the right note of disappointment into his voice. Cuz it would, indeed, be cool if there were dinosaurs. Hurley asks what's up with Marshal Shrap, who looks "kinda...dying." Jack says the antibiotics should work and that he's not going to die. Hurley then sees Kate's mug shot, which Jack stupidly left sitting out, and Hurley seems ready to go off on an all-night "dude"-a-thon about the hot women-in-cages movie in his head. Jack says it's none of his business what Kate did, and plucks the mug shot out of Hurley's hands.

Commercials! Including a truly hilarious ad for a minivan that is among the funniest things I've seen in a long, long time. Over the course of a week, a husband and wife wake up earlier and earlier each morning in order to be the first one out the door -- the one who gets to drive the new minivan to work. It ends with the husband throwing a great underwear-clad fit in the driveway at 3:45 in the morning as his wife peels away.

Opening credits. Someone's sneaking around the upcountry campsite. Whoever it is -- we're obviously meant to think it's Sawyer, blah blah blah -- sneaks the clip out of Sayid's pocket. Everyone wakes up and it turns out it's Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity. He also managed to get Sawyer's gun off of him. He claims he's standing guard. Shannon snipes, "He doesn't believe in guns, he goes on marches." "I don't go on marches," whines Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity. Ha! Sayid demands the gun back, and Sawyer scoffs, "Yeah, give it to al-Jazeera." "Al-Jazeera's a network," Charlie deadpans. Again, ha! This scene is so funny that it effectively distracts attention from the primary question, which should be: What The Fuck was Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity doing? Had the twenty-plus years of endless taunting finally boiled over into sororicidal rage? If so, neat! Shannon tells Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity to give the gun to Kate. Charlie and Sayid agree. Sawyer appears to agree tacitly, which, it should be noted, is the first thing he's ever done tacitly in the run of this show. An irritated Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity finally gives the gun to Kate, who's giving the Thousand-Yard Stare of Impending Flashback.

Australia, 1875. Well, maybe a few months ago. A snoozing Kate is awakened by a gruff Outback farmer pointing a shotgun at her. "You're sleepin' in my sheep pen," he says. Hey, that's Australian for a pick-up line! And Foster's is Australian for beer. "Put your shotgun back in your pants, Farmer Hoggett," Kate doesn't say, instead standing up carefully and telling him she walked here from the nearest town. "Nearest town's fifteen kilometers," he says, to which she replies, "Maybe that's why I'm so exhausted." She says her name's Annie. He asks if she's hungry. Cut to: Annie eating ravenously. I often wish that a gag like that would get subverted somehow, like maybe Farmer Hoggett asks Kate if she's hungry, and the camera stays on her for a second, and then right when I expect the ha-ha cut, she just says, "No, I'm on South Beach." Kate is wearing a Charlie-style Keystone Konvicts shirt, by the way. Is that supposed to mean something?

Shit, I dunno. She says she's Canadian and that she's on a post-college trip around the world, but after she flew into Melbourne she didn't know anyone so she just decided to walk for a while. "Melbourne's a hundred kilometers from here," says Farmer Hoggett, whose brain has been surgically removed and replaced by an Australian road atlas. "I like walking," Kate says. She also likes farms. "Do you know how to work one?" he asks, and she matter-of-factly says that she does. Farmer Hoggett says his wife died eight months ago, and he needs someone to help around the farm, because he's got "a hell of a mortgage." He offers a fair wage and a place to stay, and Kate accepts. They shake on it, Kate with her right, Farmer Hoggett with his left, because it turns out he has a big clunky artificial right arm, which you just know is going to have to come off later in the episode.

Midsection Beach. Sayid is announcing to the assembled castaways that they were unable to send a message, but says that if people collect up electronic equipment, he may be able to boost the signal. Sayid tells the castaways to organize three groups -- one for electronics, one for collecting water, and one for rationing food. If everyone does their jobs efficiently, surely they can live like damn hell ass kings. Kate takes Jack aside to tell him about the SOS of Doooooom. He asks if there's anything else she wants to tell him, but she'd rather ask suspicious questions about Marshal Shrap. Jack gives the Thousand-Yard Stare of Impending Commercials.

Man, that Desperate Housewives looks crazy! Hey Sars, why aren't we recapping that, huh? ["Prepare for your ouster, young man." -- Sars]

Hurley and Jack are hauling airplane seats to the edge of the jungle. They went to a lot of trouble to give castaways busywork to do during conversation scenes, and I like how, viewed independently, much of it seems entirely pointless. Why for they bring those airplane seats to the edge of the jungle? Who knows! Because they need to have a conversation away from other people, and Jack's not going to go on a long walk on the beach with someone who doesn't look like acclaimed actress Kate Beckinsale, the star of Cold Comfort Farm! Hurley can't believe Jack didn't confront Kate about her criminalitude; Jack says it's not his business or his problem if Kate is a violent criminal trapped among a bunch of innocent people who trust her. For realsies! Jack says he's going to look in the body of the plane for bags containing stronger antibiotics; Hurley is happy to let him do that by himself.

Marshal Shrap's Bleeding and Groaning Emporium. Kate and the Marshal are playing a little game called How Close Can I Put My Face To His Before He Wakes Up And Tries To Strangle Me? The Marshal wins. The music goes hilariously fake-Bernard Herrmann. Jack runs in and separates them, settling the Marshal back down. He tells Kate that the Marshal is bleeding internally and running a fever of 104. A temperature you ascertained...how? You're an endothermic savant? I guess it's possible he found a thermometer in someone's checked baggage. They stomp outside into the pouring rain for the purpose of arguing more dramatically. Kate asks if the Marshal will suffer, and Jack angrily tells her that it will take him several painful days to die. "Can't you put him out of his misery?" Kate asks, causing Jack to stomp over and tell Kate he saw her mug shot. (My attractive lawyer wife: "Look at that mouth! That is gigantic!") "I'm not a murderer," Jack declares.

Flashback. Australia, 1875. Patsy Cline plays on the truck radio as Farmer Hoggett drives her to the train station. They small-talk for a bit while Kate fails to notice the big black SUV on their tail; thankfully, Farmer Hoggett stares into the rearview mirror so that she can start to get worried. Kate realizes that Farmer Hoggett turned her in, and asks how long he's known that she committed...an unspecified crime. He says he saw her picture in the post office, on a poster that said "Wanted! For An Unspecified Crime!" A hurt Kate asks why he's turning her in and he says the reward is $23,000 (Australian, I assume, which is $16,974 in real money). "I told you when I met you, I got a hell of a mortgage," he ruefully adds. He tells her that it was a hard decision to make. The SUV pulls up alongside and Marshal Shrap, in the full flush of health, points a finger-gun at her. I was at a wedding last weekend at which one of the groomsmen flashed the finger-gun at guests all the way down the aisle during the recessional. I think maybe the finger-gun should be reserved for informal occasions, like karaoke or pickup basketball, rather than solemn, formal occasions like weddings and the ends of manhunts.

We're back in the pouring rain outside Marshal Shrap's Bleeding and Groaning Emporium. Kate looks sad. And pensive.

Commercials! I think the only good Old Navy advertisement of the past ten years was the one that ended up being an ad for Geico.

Rain, rain, rain, rain, rain. Walt and Mercutio are under a tarp. Mercutio asks Walt about Locke. "What did he say?" Mercutio asks, and is rightfully worried when Walt says, "Some of it's secret." Letting your kid get molested by an old man on a deserted island: -2000 Good Dad points. Walt says that Locke told him, "A miracle happened here." Mercutio points out that they did all just survive a fiery plane crash, and adds that he doesn't want Walt hanging around with Locke. Aren't I your friend too? he asks. Walt hauls out the big guns: "If you were my friend, you would find Vincent." Ouch. "I'm gonna get your dog back as soon as it stops raining," Mercutio says, at which point it promptly stops raining. Heh.

Inside Marshal Shrap's Bleeding and Groaning Emporium, the Marshal takes a break to warn Jack off Kate. "No matter what she does, no matter how she makes you feel, don't trust a word she says," Shrap says. Cock-block! "I wanna talk to her," Shrap insists, "alone." Jack looks dubious, and Shrap says, "She got to you too, huh?" By the way, Jack searched all those bags for antibiotics, but not a single person on the plane had any prescription painkillers?

Commercials. Sarah Michelle Gellar has a butt growing out of her head.

Australia, 1875. We're back on Flashback Road with Kate, Farmer Hoggett, and Marshal Not-Yet-Shrap. Kate grabs the wheel and, in an attempt to do I don't know what, veers the truck off the road. It flips over an amusing number of times and then bursts into flames. Kate drags Farmer Hoggett out of the truck, because she's really a good person. Oh, makers of Lost: 'twould have been so much more interesting if she had let Farmer Hoggett roast. So she's dragging him through the grass, and of course .... .. ... / .- .-. -- / -.-. --- -- . ... / --- ..-. ..-.! Elapsed time: 33 minutes. She gets him to a roadside, and sees the truck go by that could've saved her if only she hadn't wasted time saving him. Farmer Hoggett coughs, and faintly whispers, "That'll do, Kate." Then Marshal Soon-To-Shrap points a gun at her head.

Marshal Shrap's Bleeding and Groaning Emporium. Shrap wants to know what the favor was that Kate was about to ask for before the gigantic plane crash. Boy, ABC must really be worried about morons keeping up with the plot of this show, because they insert here a totally pointless one-minute rerun of Kate's flashback from the pilot. The mood in the tent, interestingly, is one of wistful old-times chumminess, rather than the homicidal rage previously exhibited when these two got together. Kate says she was going to ask that Shrap make sure Farmer Hoggett got his twenty-three grand. "The guy who ratted you out?" Shrap asks, wheezing away. "He had a hell of a mortgage," says Kate. Good Fucking Christ, makers of Lost: we get it. She's got a goddamn heart of 24-carat gold, even though she's guilty of an unspecified crime. GIVE IT A REST. But they won't give it a rest: "You really are one of a kind," notes Marshal Shrap. My turn: AAAUUUUrrrrrrghhhhhurgle. He notes that Kate would've gotten away if she hadn't taken the time to remove the farmer's artificial arm. "In case you haven't noticed," Kate says, "I did get away." "You don't look free to me," he cracks. The United States Department of Dialogue has issued the following nutritional breakdown of this scene:

76% Malarkey
9% Groans of pain
6% Coy avoidance of the specifics of Kate's crime
4% Unnecessary flashbacks
3% Exposition
2% Actual emotional or character-defining ingredients