The stress of writing about this and I Love Money finally pushed poor Lady Lola over the edge. She's been place in a safe place, free to reality TV for a cleansing treatment. I avoided writing this recap for as long as possible, but since it appears to be the season (and if there is a god, series) finale, I finally sucked it up and delved back into the world of Ali and Dina Lohan. A scary, terrifying place I swore I'd never return to. However, since the slimy Jeremy is no longer in the picture, maybe it won't be so bad.
Michael and his girlfriend Nina are in the house, walking around their bedroom all freshly showered. Nina is griping about the fact that the "kids" slept in their bed last night and wants to do something without the rugrats around. Oh Nina, run away now. Those kids are clinging to their brother like he's the last sane person who can help them escape from the insanity that is life as a Lohan. Michael says, "What you don't want to hang out with 'the Code'?" Which Cody overhears and responds to by shooting Nina with his ginormous water gun. Seriously, it is bigger than him. The things parents will buy their kids to keep them happy.
Cody continues his shooting spree, chasing Nina all around the house (this must be his soccer substitute for this episode). Then when Michael tells him to knock it off, he just starts squirting at nothing. Ack, the hardwood floors. My mother would have grounded my ass. Cody just laughs and laughs. Then he tells Nina that she should go home. Then a pillow fight ensues. This is officially the stupidest show ever.
Some random amount of time later Michael bellows to Ali to come into his room. He and Nina and their little dog are sitting on the bed. Ali does this weird bounce giggle thing in her teeny tiny cutoff shorts. Michael and Nina say that they want some alone time to see a movie and can Ali please, for the love of god, keep Cody out of their hair. Ali doesn't get this and asks why they can't stay around the house. Because hanging around getting shot at with water by Cody and listening to Ali whine is what every college kid wants to do when they are home on break... with their girlfriend.
Michael, who looks stoned (or just emotionally exhausted by his family... you make the call), says that he's torn between hanging out with his family and hanging out with Nina. Ali says they should sneak out so Cody doesn't see them. They all agree that Cody is going to freak out. Really? Isn't he old enough to get this by now? Ali makes excuses saying that he gets upset because he doesn't get to see his brother/only male role model that often.
Then all the kids and one of Michael's friends named TJ are sitting around playing poker and eating deli meat. Watching this is as torturous as it sounds. The girls don't seem to get how to play the game. Cody's all like, well you are a stupid cheater poopyhead Nina, or whatever little brother cliché you can think of. Ali (the more mature one) diaries that Cody should cut Nina some slack. Cody keeps telling Nina she should leave. Nina laughs it off says he should quit joking around, he says he's not joking. Nina (because she is presumably a normal person who has been sucked into this trainwreck) can't understand where all that anger is coming from. I don't know what Nina's major is, but I don't think it needs to be psychology to figure this puzzle out. Cody responds to the whole situation by smearing chocolate icing on Nina's face. Michael laughs. Which makes Nina more upset.
Michael goes to comfort Nina, who is most concerned that it got up her nose. So he walks back downstairs to have a man-to-man chat with The Code. Cody sits in a desk chair swiveling back and forth sucking on a sports water bottle looking every bit like the baby he's being (but at least he's got a story arc this week!) OMG. I have to digress, this is the first time that I've seen whatever weird catchall room this is and there are huge posters of Confession of a Teenage Drama Queen all over. Freaky. Anyway, he tells Michael that he wants some alone time with him. Michael says he has to learn to share. Cody says he likes Nina but wants time with Michael without the girls around. Michael feels torn, but tells Cody he needs to suck it up and apologize to Nina. Cody sucks more on his big red water bottle. Nothing gets resolved, Cody still doesn't get one-on-one time with Michael. What was the point of this?
Dina is at the breakfast table with the family. She's just gotten a script in the mail to show Ali. It is for a sure-to-be-Oscar-worthy film called Troll. Ali diaries that it is a fantasy film with special effects, but being that her acting skills suck, she can't even manage to get the words "it seems really exciting" out of her mouth with out cracking up. The editors tried to cut it, but she's basically rolling her eyes at the prospect. This is no Mean Girls. Dina says Ali will meet with the director tomorrow, which sends Ali into a tizzy. Tomorrow, like the day after today? That's too soon! She needs to do research, she needs time to really delve into the depths of this character, she doesn't want to look like an idiot, it is going to take her at least two days to read this script. Nana sums up the script quite succinctly after giving it a skim: "It's a fantasy and you've got all kinds weird people in here." Well, there's that.
She's a fairy (or something) who is transformed into a "hottie teen." Michael tries to hype the film too. I swear I see Dina paying him off under the table. Nana says it is going to be better than Harry Potter. Give Nana an Emmy now since she's the real actress in the family. Or not. Nana gets to the part about the good sprites fighting off the forces of demons and ogres or some shit and even she can't believe that Dina's pimping out her daughter for this one. I can. Have you seen the nightmare that is Herbie: Fully Loaded? I'm still scarred from that one. Anyway, Michael, the voice of reason, says that Ali needs to suck it up and get to work. Cue eye rolling. Work? You've got to be kidding.
I really want a pool with a waterslide. I know that seems random, but I've wanted one since when they went to like David's grandma's house in Palm Springs. So now that I see the Lohans have one, I'm all jealous again. This may seem off topic, but there's got to be a reason the editor's keep showing these random shots. Is it supposed to show us how Ali is working so hard that she doesn't have time to enjoy the spoils of being rich and pseudo-famous? Probably. It just makes me want a waterslide, or a basketball hoop.
Ali's in her massive unmade bed surrounded by pillows, reading the script (which seems pretty short) and pouting. She's "not feeling comfortable." She goes to her brother asking for help running lines. He TH's that the last time he did this was a while ago with Lindsay. Yeah, yeah, we know all about Lindsay. According to Michael, Ali loves acting and singing equally. I'm sure she's equally good at both of them.
Ali thinks the role she's going for is that of a girl who gets possessed by a troll. Michael observes that, wow, she's got to do two characters -- her and her possessed. Running lines... they seem to be both the same. This is not at all like Freaky Friday or The Parent Trap where Lindsay gave her two characters distinct personalities. All these personalities are Ali. Worse still is Michael's line-reading. I know he's not auditioning, but it is beyond monotone. Ali, meanwhile, can't even read the lines. I can't... I have to stop for a minute and take a break because I'm laughing uncontrollably and driving my officemate nuts. I just... Did these kids ever consider a different career path? It isn't too late.
Ali THs that she's nervous about what the director and producer are going to think of her. Here's what I think they'll think:
Director: "Gee, we've got this crappy script that is a knock-off of every sci-fi/fantasy kid flick that's come out in the last year and it is going to go straight to DVD. Unless we can get someone with a name."
Producer: "There's no way someone with a name would sign on for this piece of crap. Especially if they read the script."
Director: "Hmm... maybe we can get a young eager starlet, someone who people will know from a reality show or something."
Producer: "I'll send the script over to Dina Lohan, for her less-talented daughter Ali. People will flock to see Ali in Troll because they love Lindsay. By the time they realize how crappy it really is, they'll already have paid their 12 bucks and we'll be rich. Rich I tell you. Mwa ha ha."
I love how behind Ali's head while she's talking about how she "doesn't want to do bad," there is a framed picture of Lindsay. Not like a candid shot, like a magazine shot. Really? I give up with this show. It is trying to be like "We Lohans are more than just Lindsay!" but every second they are mentioning her name or showing photos of her. Could be the editing, could be the Lohans' grasping at whatever straws they can.
Cody's fooling around with a basketball. By himself. Of course. Nina goes out to make nice and wants to play Horse with him. He makes fun of her b-ball skills. At one point he says "fail" when she does something wrong. But then she finally gets the hang of this whole dribbling thing and they seem to be bonding or whatever. He needs a haircut. Nina tells shaggy Cody that she loves him and she'd never try and get between him and his brother. She kisses him, and asks if he loves her back. He's all like "whatever," then proceeds to pick on her sports skills some more. Aw.
Nina runs up to Michael to tell him about how she bonded with Cody. Michael asks if they talked about stuff. So eloquent, this one. He thinks if they spend more time together he won't pick on Nina so much. This entire storyline is mind-numbing.
The day, Dina screams that they are going to be late, while Ali is writhing around on Michael's bed claiming that she doesn't feel good. Michael says this is a pile of shit. I'm inclined to agree with him, even if he is kind of a dolt. Nana says that she's got anxiety. Perhaps Ali actually read the script and realized what a heap of crap it was and developed a fake illness, though that's probably giving her too much credit. Ali says that she's not going. Dina says to deal. Michael tries to reason with her. Nina says to just get it over with. Michael says she's getting pissed off.
Nana says she used to go on auditions with Lindsay, back in the day, and Lindsay was composed and did her thing and didn't act like a whining spoiled brat. The entire car ride, Ali complains that she doesn't feel good. Over and over and over again. I'm starting to get nauseous.
Ali thinks there's pressure on her to show people what she can do. There is something weird going on with her eyebrows and I'm really curious to see what she looks like without full makeup. When I was 14 my makeup consisted of blue eye shadow and hot pink lipstick. I may have looked ridiculous, but at least I didn't look like I was 14 going on 40.
They arrive at the random strip mall-looking place where the auditions are being held. Some uber-perky blonde woman (Tina? Trina?) squeals and ushers Dina and Nana to the green room while she tries to whisk Ali off to the actual audition. Ali basically cries for her mommy at this point. Dina pushes her to go on her own. Dina THs that she thinks Ali's worried that she'll be judged because she's living in her sister's shadow. Um, really? Isn't that what this entire show is based on? Maybe I'm missing something... like a few brain cells that I lost watching this crap.
Ali meets the director and producer. She sits down and they ask if she has any questions about her character motivation. She sure does. Despite reading the script the day before, she asks what the plot is. Director dude asks, "Is it complicated?" I about died laughing. Seriously. But director dude (John, I think, since he apparently doesn't merit a nice little name tag on screen while he's talking) seriously explains about the fairy guarding against dark magic. He's got pictures. She's acrobatic and skilled. Um, has he met Ali?
She asks if there'll be any green screen, but mostly she just looks like she wants the hell out of there and away from the large, enthusiastic nerd who is explaining the inner workings of Troll to her. They briefly show producer guy (who is wearing a hairpiece from the Donald Trump collection) and he's nodding enthusiastically as director dude talks about post-production in China and filming in Vancouver. I begin to let my mind wander... which makes me wonder if the poor people in China and Canada really know what they are getting into, and if they resent being sent crap like this, or if they just take the money and laugh at the stupid American studios who pour cash into this dreck.
On to the reading. Ali's freaked because people are staring at her. Perky blonde lady is sitting on the ground reading while Ali's holding her script and slouching in front of the green screen. She sounds exactly like Ali. Director dude asks her to make it broader and to "articulate each word" and to "make it delicious." Someone needs to lower his expectations, and also be careful about what he says to a 14-year-old.
Dina's in the green room with her mom. Nana's all worried about how Ali's doing. Dina THs that a good director can see if someone has talent. Which, according to that logic, means that Ali doesn't have a chance in hell... if director dude is actually a good director. Nana's just happy that she doesn't hear any tantrums.
Back at the green screen Ali is talking about Harry Potter, Jr. or something. I'm speechless. I heard her say something about a Harry Potter, Jr. when she was running lines with her bro, but didn't think anything of it. Is that really part of this script?Oh, good lord. I... I just... this show can't be over fast enough for me.
Ali's pretending that Michael is in the casting woman's position. Ali's not a perfectionist, but she's worried about what people think of her. Then, mercifully, she's done. Director dude says he's seen enough, but not necessarily in a negative way... which is odd to me. I'd be like, "Stop, make it stop, go away. Go back to singing. Leave the acting world alone!" But no. Blonde woman ushers Ali back to the green room and tells her she did a good job and thanks the Lohan ladies for coming. Dina believes if she doesn't get it, it wasn't meant to be or something like that. They drive off.
Blonde woman (aka the casting director) comes running out of the building flailing her arms and screaming. Did someone forget their purse? No. She wants Ali to come back in and talk to the director/producer. Director dude says that she got the role. Unbelievable. Did they see the same footage that we just saw? Are they really just trying to make a quick buck? I can't. I'm driving my officemate nuts screaming at my television.
Anyway, Ali's all overjoyed... or well, she's using her smiling expression instead of her pissed off bitchface, so she seems happy. She can't wait to tell, "Her brother, her sister and Cody." Wait. Is Cody not her brother too? I don't understand. I guess she means Michael, and Cody is just an afterthought, which is pretty much how this show seems to go in general. Dina and Nana are beaming as the director dude blows smoke up their ass about how talented Ali is.
Dina THs that Ali is calling everyone she loves -- Lindsay, her brother (meaning Michael) -- to tell them how happy she is. We see Ali on the phone with Lindsay. To Lindsay's credit, when Ali calls Lindsay seems bored. She's like, sigh, "Hi, Ali," in that "I've got girls to make out with and real movies to make what the hell do you want?" way. Ali tells Dina that Lindsay was screaming, but we don't actually hear this.
Dina's on the phone with the Maloofs, who have exciting news. They have her finished first track. The say she's "unbelievable." They make this sound like a good thing. Oh no... they are going to play the song. My worst nightmare has come true. Oh no. It is so overproduced that when the singing starts, Ali isn't even sure if it is her. I'm dying. This is the funniest moment of the entire show. Now the Lohan ladies are dancing around in the office in front of the big scary Lindsay poster. To be fair this isn't the worst song... it just sounds like everything else on the radio. Whoever produced it did a pretty decent job mixing it. Pierce Brosnan could have used their help for Mamma Mia.
And now we get a little recap of the entire series: How much the family fights but loves each other. How they are all so proud of Ali making a record and getting a movie. The lessons they have learned. Dina says that her daughters are talented and the tabloids forget how the girls work their butts off. The parting shot is of Ali complaining about doing her homework. And mercifully this is done. I don't think I've been so happy in a long time. I hate that they left it open for a second season with either Ali making a movie, or Ali meeting with record execs. I want closure, and I want assurances that this is the end. But I'll settle for season finale and the blissful feeling that I get deleting this from my DVR.