Last week: Ali made a bitch of Jeremy Greene when she dismissed him and his stupid song. The douche bag has left the building.
We return to The Palms, where we have been for forever and a day. I'm beginning to wonder if this -- listening to Ali Lohan work on her new album for the rest of eternity -- is my purgatory. What did I do to deserve it? Dina-saur paces the empty studio as she calls Zoe Thrall, a Studio at The Palms executive, to tell her that a 14-year-old just cost them tens of thousands of dollars. Zoe then searches for the President of Maloof Productions so she can tell him that a day has been squandered in what amounts to a high-stakes slap-fight. He tells her to see if Ali's first producer, Eman, can bring another track to the table.
The sun swings over the desert as time passes, leading us back to the God-forsaken studio. Eman has returned for, I hope, a large raise in his producing salary. Ali is ecstatic to see him, and Dina-saur says that Eman gets Ali and knows how to deal with (or, some might say, pander to) her. Ali confirms that Eman makes her feel comfortable (because he's a pro) whereas Jeremy didn't (because he's a vain, amateurish jackass).
Her new song is called "Close That Door." Eman tells them it's about letting go of the past and moving forward. He gives them a sly nudge and asks if they can relate to that. Dina-saur and Ali share a knowing laugh. Hey! I've got a suggestion! How about instead we make a song called "Jeremy Greene Sucks"? It'll be Ali's second single, swiftly followed by "My Sister Munches Carpet," "Confessions of a Busted Tart (Daughter to Mother)," and "Look at Me! Look at Me!"
Eman offers to play the track for the LoHos. What then plays is an early '90s-style R&B soft jam with a cheesy Barry White-style voice that's all, "Hey girl, you blow my miiiind." Eman claims the disembodied voice is a hot new rapper called Mad Greek. At this point, everyone's laughing because this is obviously a joke. Right? Right! (Honestly, Ali's whole career is a joke, so it's hard to separate the wheat from the chaff sometimes, but I'm pretty sure that Ali, for all of her hip-hop aspirations, is not going to record the modern equivalent of "I Wanna Sex You Up" meets "Bump and Grind.")
Ali asks Eman to play the real song, and the recording engineer -- who has become perhaps my favorite character... if only for the fact that he resembles Encino Man by way of Nigel Lythgoe -- acts insulted and says, "I mean honestly... we worked on that for, like, three-and-a-half minutes." Ali dissolves into laughter.
But the fun and games end as everyone gets to work. While Ali presumably starts recording, Dina-saur hits the gym. She works out to a sugared-up anime-character-turned-human. He claims to choreograph for Chippendales and thinks he and his talent will fit right in with the LoHos. She responds by abruptly ending her time on the machine near his, then she heads to another part of the gym. The "choreographer" follows her and continues to give her the hard sell as she does crunches. He practically shoves his card down her bra. She promises to call him... when the minions of Hell are living in ice castles.
Speaking of improbabilities, Ali keeps trudging on in her path to recording superstar status. I'm betting Eman probably had a whole lot of bargaining power when he agreed to produce this second song. Moreover, I suspect he got some stake in this single and wanted Ali's voice to appear as if he massaged it to greatness -- which, if you think about it, is the job of any pop producer worth his salt these days. Therefore, as she sings, Ali's voice is miraculously better than ever. What a coincidence!
Eman compliments Ali on a good take, but she thinks it sounded like crap in her headphones. (Probably because she can hear her actual voice and not Eman's vocal modulator.) He tells her headphones don't count, and she does silly dances around the mic that are just a skip and a bell away from Ashlee on SNL. She says she is totally happy and comfortable in the studio and that she loves Eman's track. And again, why isn't is just called "Jeremy Greene Can Suck an Egg"?
Upstairs, Dina-saur checks out choreographers for Ali. Turns out the whack job from the gym is actually legit -- or at least legit enough for Dina-saur to give him a chance... but there will probably be some babysitting and light housework required from time to time. She calls the choreographer, Jonnis Tannis, and sets up an appointment to meet him at The Pearl.
And now for a side note: As we know, I am nothing if not a consummate professional with a keen attention to detail. One detail being that, on Dina-saur's Google search for Jonnis, a nasty e-mail exchange between him and a fan actually ranked higher than his own production company. What prompted this exchange, you ask? Back before Jonnis discovered the glories of the flat iron, he was the first male dancer eliminated from Season 1 of So You Think You Can Dance -- you know, back when they thought Snow was the best thing since sliced bread? (Ha!) Judging from Jonnis' reaction to criticism on that show, he is just the kind of semi-talented, self-important prick who thinks he's being diplomatic when he's very clearly fuming inside that anyone might dare question his expertise. Also? He's kind of a spastic flailer, whose style is highly unlikely to mesh with Ali's... um... talent. So buckle up kids, this should be fun!
Dina-saur heads to meet Mr. Silky Hair. Once inside The Pearl, he shows her some flowing hip-hop-style dancing, then some jazz. And if Dina-saur really thinks Ali can do any of this, then she is crazier than I thought. Then Jonnis pulls Dina-saur in for some partnering work, which -- again -- worked out so well for his last time... And as the Jonnis and Dina dancing montage plays on the screen, I almost feel bad for the kid. He obviously wants a high-profile job, so he's willing to go the extra mile and dance with this extension-clad, tight-faced banshee, but it's all for nothing. Dina-saur just wants to give credence to her doctored biography, which features a (made-up) stint as a Rockette.
They continue twirling and twirling and twirling in the Rabbit Hole as Dina talks about her long-lived passion for dance. She says she took dance six days a week as a child, so she felt alive being on stage again. The sequence concludes with a shot of her doing a cartwheel into the splits... but let's just say this: it is a really long shot -- like, from the bloodiest of the theater's nosebleed seats. Do they have body doubles for reality television? I mean, it wouldn't surprise me. Everything else on this show is so phony. They head out of the theater, and Dina-saur tells Jonnis she'll talk to Ali and be in touch.
Upstairs, she runs into Ali, who is wearing less clothing than ever. But I, too, am in the habit of wearing a sports bra and short-shorts when I'm in highly air conditioned recording studios, so who am I to judge? Dina-saur brags on Jonnis, and Ali says she's not surprised, given her mother's (made-up) history with the Rockettes. Dina-saur says she's arranged for Ali to meet Jonnis that evening at The Pearl.
Cody just happens to drop in on this conversation. He says he has never seen his mother dance, and you can see the wheels in his little ginger brain turning. He asks all sorts of questions about The Pearl, and she starts to get suspicious why he's suddenly so curious about anything other than sports. Cody deviously reveals in an interview that he's planning to get an audience for his mom. Cue entrepreneurial montage, wherein Cody exchanges money with Maloof, designs a flyer to promote his mother's dancing performance ("It'll be sick!"), and disseminates this flyer all over the hotel. The little bugger's even charging $10 a pop!
Back in the studio, the voice box that replaced Ali sings the new song as Dina-saur walks in to check in. Eman puffs himself (and her) up by saying how amazing Ali's growth has been over the last four days. He predicts even more amazing vocal maturity in the five years, nay, by the time she finishes the album! Yep, Eman, you keep whispering sweet nothings in their ears. Earn that paycheck!
Later, Dina-saur escorts Ali down to the lobby to meet Jonnis. They head over to The Pearl, unaware of the huge line of enthusiastic visitors who have come to watch Dina-saur's marvelous return to dance. They get closer, and Dina-saur wonders why all these people are in Ali's rehearsal space. She walks closer to find Cody in -- I am not kidding you -- one of those old-school hats with a playing card in it... like a bookie or a newspaper man would wear. Needless to say, he's collecting one Alexander Hamilton portrait for each person to walk through the door.
Cody breaks the news to Dina-saur that she has to perform. She finally notices the bazillion marigold flyers with her name in big letters. You know? The ones that were tacked to every surface in the building? She asks if Ali is in on this. Dina-saur tells Cody they have to give the people's money back or they'll sue. Ali is totally loving this and urges Dina to "just do it." As she heads to certain doom, Dina -- to her credit -- asks Cody, "Where'd you get the hat?"
We return to the scene of the grime, where rowdy housewives and drunken frat boys anxiously await Dina-saur's dance spectacular. Cody channels his inner white rapper as he brings Dina-saur on stage. She does everything she can to remain professional, and Jonnis joins her for a spin around. Okay, this routine is about as unchoreographed and spontaneous as a scene from High School Musical... or that scene in Center Stage where the uptight ballet dancers suddenly and inexplicably know salsa. Oh, for Christ's sake, give me a break. She does a cartwheel across his knees!
Cody says he's never seen his mom dance before, and that she's really good. She says she is sick but that her dance training just magically "came back." She hugs Cody but tells him he's going to pay for this, and he runs off like the little scamp he is. Two things: 1.) Dance training doesn't just sit around waiting to be taken out and dusted off. You have to keep that shit up. Last week she got winded after running for less than five minutes! And 2.) I give up. That's it. You've won this battle, LoHos. But you won't win the war!
The day, Dina-saur's brother Paul comes to peek in on the recording process. (Who's taking care of Nana?!) Ali proudly announces that she finished her track, and we see a sequence of all the studio stuff that transpired while Dina-saur was serving us up a steaming pile of dog crap known as her passion for dance.
Eman plays the track. It's totally a song that JoJo rejected because she's too good of a singer. But everyone in the room, surprise!, loves it and gives Ali and her Hell's Angels do-rag a standing ovation. The accolades continue as she goes to a wrap party elsewhere in the hotel. The Maloofs make promises of fame, fortune, and eternal world peace to Ali. Dina-saur, in turns, praises her precocious prima donna and thanks all the people who had to deal with the lot of them for the last four days -- except Cody (har har). Ali wraps it up with a simple, and thankfully short, speech in which she promises not to let everyone down.
Because there is no real content in this show besides the E! channel's contrivances, we're treated to a flashback montage of the LoHos' time in Vegas. Come on! We already saw it once, which was one time too many.
And before you know it, the whole gang is back at LoHouse. Ali says she achieved many of her goals for working in Vegas, and she's excited to be home. In the office, Dina-saur and Alexis plot out all of Ali's upcoming publicity stunts... er... I mean press engagements. Over in her bedroom, Ali starts in on her first round of insecure, stalker-esque phone calls back to the recording studio. Guess what. She has to leave a message and wait to be called back. She admits she's really stressed out about what people will think.
Michael Jr. enters Ali's room. He's the older brother who wouldn't let his girlfriend see her own family because he supposedly "never" sees his. By my count, it's been two weeks tops, bud. Cut the umbilical cord! Ali gives him the details about her deal and how she's waiting while her music is shopped around. They agree that it's hard to have to kill time while other people do the work.
Eventually the executive calls Ali back. Her puppy (remember him?) wriggles around as she practically asks the exec to hand her over a platinum record, book her first world tour, and arrange for a 3D concert movie. He's all "Whoa! Back up the bus, sister!" We have no idea how long it's been since the LoHos returned from Vegas, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say about 18 hours. The tracks still have to be produced, polished, and sent out to the record label. All of which isn't going to happen any faster if the president of the production company is on the phone with a 14-year-old. He warns her that they don't want to rush anything because it could be the difference between international superstardom and the ultimate destruction of her career. I'm surprised they didn't have him throw in a plague epidemic just for dramatic effect.
That night, Ali continues to badger everyone around her about her record. This time the pressure's on Dina-saur. Dina-saur predicts the track will be sent out in a week or so but reiterates that they don't want to rush anything. As they go back and forth with the "Are we there yet?" -- "Almoooost" conversation, Ali plays with her puppy. By which I mean she thrusts what appears to be part of a wire hanger in its face. Dina-saur tells Ali to be patient, and Ali smiles in a fairly scoffing manner.
The day, Dina-saur gets a call that Ali has been called to audition for a hot shot Hollywood director. The movie -- and I couldn't have made this any more perfect if I tried -- is a remake of Troll, that 1986 classic featuring such talent as Sonny Bono and a young Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Ali might also be able to audition for a remake of Fame, too, if she doesn't prove trollish enough for the casting directors. But I strongly doubt that will be the case.
Dina-saur says that, like LiLo, Ali's meteoric rise to world domination cannot be stopped. She runs through the list of all of Ali's upcoming engagements -- movie auditions, photo shoots, record launch, rehab, hit-and-runs, rehab, sex tape, rehab, ill-conceived burka-themed fashion line, rehab, and inevitable bisexual speculation. You name it, Ali's on top of it!
Well, kids, this was an exceptionally contrived, useless, and insulting episode, even by LiLo standards. I think it might have taken the cake. But... as we say in the biz, there's always week! And speaking of, Sunday, Ali proves she can melt down in other artistic arenas, too, as she meets with Rubeus Hagrid for her Troll screen test. Who's in the mood for a heaping helping of mediocrity?!
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