Cody introduces the "Previously" segment. I bet that's the only non-athletic air time he'll get this episode. I think this show's drinking game should be to take a shot every time Cody is featured with some sort of ball. But anyway... previously on Living Lohan: Michael Jr. had a really overblown, totally unnecessary argument with his girlfriend because she preferred to spend time with her own family. There are so many reasons why that's ridiculous, I can't even get into it. week's show would be over by the time I finished, so I'll spare you. Let's just get this over with.
Ali strides into Michael's room, fanning the flames re: Nina. Ali totally looks like LiLo back when her only addiction was the tanning bed. She grimaces as Michael explains talks about the fight, though I suspect the grimace originates from her complete disbelief that anyone wouldn't want to spend every waking second, pap-style with her amazing family. Gag me. Spending one minute with these people would probably leave you stinking of Designer Imposters and cigarette smoke. I bet they throw guests into a recording booth and tape the sounds they make while all their flaws are pointed out with magic markers, sorority style.
A montage of Facebook-style drunken photos of the couple flicks past as Michael continues to drone on about his problems with Nina and how they haven't spoken since the fight. Ali chimes in that she doesn't want them to fight because she "loves both of [them] to death." Oh save it, sister. Ali, she of the needily knowing someone for a few months then trusting them with her life (e.g. the long-lost Jeremy Greene), says she's known Nina for so long and doesn't want the two of them to break up. Can somebody say "Mommy and Daddy issues?" Michael tells her not to worry about it because guess what? It's not her problem!
Later, the LoHos pack for their trip to Vegas. Guess what Cody's doing. Learning how to make coq au vin? No! Drafting a treatise on public education? Nope!! Piddling around with a soccer ball? You got it!!! Take a shot. That bitch at the phone company reminds Michael that he has no messages. And I'm pretty sure they just inserted that over some random footage of him walking around the house picking at his ear because does anybody just randomly check their messages anymore?
Also worried about her cell phone is Dina-saur, who shoots packing orders at Alexis. She says she's worried about Michael and Nina but is more stressed about Vegas. Ali's new puppy, God bless its little heart, scampers about while the LoHos toss their slut uniforms into suitcases. Ali interviews with much excitement that she's about to "lay down her first tracks in Vegas"; insider lingo really does not suit her. She VOs that singing is a huge dream of hers, accompanied by shots of Vegas and her performing (on an empty stage to an empty auditorium, no doubt). Ali says she can't wait to get back in the recording studio.
And now that I have traveled deep into the belly of the beast and am still wondering what Ali means when she says she's going "back" into the studio, I have decided to consult iTunes. Lo and behold! Ali's first album was none other than a Christmas album entitled Lohan Holiday! One track is a Kenny G rip-off of "Silent Night" featuring a dramatic reading by Dina-saur. Okay... I know I shouldn't make fun of Ali because she was 12 at the time and most likely locked in the recording studio by, like, Dina-saur and Scott Storch or something, but even massive amounts of overproduction cannot obscure her generally shiteous voice. But I'm sure it's a great stocking stuffer for your favorite LoFan, so check it out!
The morning, Phil Maloof -- CEO of Maloof Music, co-owner of The Palms Hotel & Casino, and (ah-hem) Executive Producer of this show -- calls to chat with Ali about her impending trip to Vegas. Before they can go to Vegas, though, they must convince a skeptical -- and sultrier than ever -- Nana to join them in Sin City. Dina-saur explains that Nana's not exactly one for clubbing and snorting coke off of hookers (what else do you do in Vegas?), so she's really going to have to push to get Nana to move out to the desert with them. In order to do so, Dina-saur takes Nana for some high-end grub at a local establishment called The Mixing Bowl, which some of you may recognize from a little show called Kitchen Nightmares. Ummmm...hope this was shot after Ramsay's visit...
Dina-saur asks whether Nana's considering coming to Vegas, and the old sex bomb doesn't even take pause from eating her soup to definitively shut down this idea. Dina-saur pleads and pesters Nana to join them, but Nana's not interested. In case you couldn't tell, Nana isn't down with change. The elder LoHos get to the root of the problem -- Nana's never flown. Dina-saur offers to rent a Winnebago and drive out. Please, dear sweet Lord Jesus, no. This cannot turn into The Simple Life of Lohan. I don't get paid enough... Nana holds her ground.
Back at LoHouse, Cody has a new athletic accessory -- a baseball! Take a shot. Dina-saur corners Cody about Vegas. The little mop-top is on Team Nana. He also doesn't want to go because he'll miss his "friends." It's okay, Codester! The airport has special tags for sports equipment, you can bring them along! Dina-saur VOs that she understands why Cody is apprehensive, but he has no choice. As she says this, the shot abruptly cuts to a close-up that is as excellent an evocation of her Mommy Dearest-ness as I've ever seen. Dina-saur ends the conversation bye promising she'll "make Vegas FUN. Fun, fun, fun." I have a feeling that's how she got LiLo to sip her first Red Bull or hit her first audition. And that has turned out really well.
up, OMG, Cody has yet more sports equipment. A basketball! Take a shot. He and Michael shoot hoops out in the driveway. Cody makes a couple of killer three-pointers, while Michael banks it off the side of the hoop. At least the ginger kid is putting his down time to good use. Apropos of nothing, Michael kvetches about being incommunicado with Nina. Then he slips a $20 bill into his back pocket while prompting Cody to talk about Vegas. Yeah, I said $20. Those LoHos are cheap hos. Cody reiterates that doesn't want to go. Michael asks him what alternatives there are, and Cody gives an adorable shrug as he proposes to return to college with Michael. And, for real, that one shrug just amounted to all the charisma of all of LiLo's movies combined (minus the amazingly wonderful Mean Girls, for which I give sole credit to Tina Fey). Cody walks inside as Michael teases him about being able to handle college.
Inside, Cody runs into Dina-saur and blurts that he's going to stay with Michael. Okay, adorable I'll give you, but brains he ain't got... This harebrained scheme was just hatched, like, 0.5 seconds ago, and Michael didn't even imply that he was on board. Oh well, such is the simplicity of an 11-year-old. Dina-saur basically laughs in Cody's face, so Cody huffs off, insisting he's not going, if nothing else to save himself for taking part in "girl stuff."
Upstairs, Ali packs while Michael has a completely unsympathetic debriefing with Cody about how Dina-saur shot down the college road shenanigans. Michael interviews that he, too, has felt the demands of his sisters' booming careers. He had to go away for seven and a half months while LiLo filmed The Parent Trap. And, yes, that is a much bigger sacrifice than two weeks without soccer in Vegas, but I bet he got some awesome chances to sneak into Natasha Richardson's dressing room.
Cody is grouses about Michael's lack of empathy, to which Michael calls Cody a coward -- harsh much? Michael reminds Cody that families make sacrifices for one another, claiming Ali would do the same, though I won't believe it until I see Ali in the stands of, say, a minor league baseball game. Michael wraps up his pep talk, and the brothers hug it out. Whew! So glad that major dilemma has been solved. There will be no years of therapy needed after this. No, sir.
Later that night, Michael leaves a message for Nina. He VOs that he's heartbroken and reiterates that it's his most serious relationship. He thinks she must be upset if she hasn't returned his calls. How long has it been? Like 45 minutes?
The day, Dina-saur's brother Paul visits. Dina-saur immediately pulls him aside to convince Nana to come to Vegas. Paul is pretty impassive as she gives some sob story about Nana sitting at home alone at night. Paul calls Dina-saur "Supermom and super-manager," but insists that she can't manage Nana. (And that dialogue wasn't pre-written at all...) They go back and forth, and Paul ultimately caves in. All the while, Nana shoots hoops with Cody outside, and, I'm sorry to tell you, she throws like a girl. There is a silver lining, though! Under Cody's masterful tutelage, she finally sinks one.
Later in the kitchen, Dina-saur barrels straightaway into Operation: Drag Nana to Vegas. Nana holds her ground, and Paul totally punks out on his end of the deal. Ha! So now Dina-saur is stuck trying to persuade Nana to go vis-à-vis persuading Paul that she should go. He throws in an unenthusiastic "Have a great time, Mom," now and again, thereby totally revealing that he was strong-armed into this b.s. intervention in the first place. Love it! They go round and round. Stay strong, Nana!
Elsewhere, Cody and Ali discuss Michael and Nina. They conspire to conjure up some romance by making them dinner. But first they have to get Nina on the phone and talk her into coming back to LoHouse. How will they do it?
Outside, Michael divulges to Dina-saur that Ali admitted some uncharacteristic nerves about Vegas. Dina-saur rehashes the Nana standoff, and they're both at a loss. Later in the house, Dina-saur gives it one last shot (I hope!) with Nana, who is growing ever more irritated with her pigheaded daughter. Dina-saur interview that Nana isn't living her life to the fullest since her husband passed away. Dina-saur also claims she is saddened by the idea of Nana home alone, but you know she just wants someone to hold her purse while she dances on a table at the Pussycat Doll Lounge. Nana sticks to her guns, though, and Dina-saur is left a-swivelin' in her office chair.
Later, Ali meddles into a situation that's none of her business. By which I mean, she "calls" Nina and asks her to come over. I think I hear Nina slipping a Benjamin into her pocket on the other end. Cody and Ali get started making a main course of food poisoning with a side of salmonella for the lovebirds. They finish just in time for Nina to arrive. Cody escorts her in and gives Michael the credit for the meal. Nina is rightly disbelieving but overall very pleased with the effort. The little schemers head upstairs to fetch Michael. And how will this turn out? In the words of Seacrest, "You'll find out... after the break."
Back at LoHouse, Nina arrives for the romantic dinner with her beau, which would be a heck of a lot more romantic if said beau actually knew it was happening. He heads downstairs, and the dinner gets going. Nina takes a swig of what I hope is wine, but I suspect is actually cranberry juice. Sucks for her. Michael feigns apologizing for about a 90 seconds but ultimately implies that Nina wasn't understanding enough of his family's demands. Nina eventually forfeits, further feeding the prima donna behavior his family so persistently encourages. But, all for the best, I suppose, because they make up, agree not to have any more stupid fights, and do all sorts of cutesy hand holding shtick. I give 'em six months. Maybe a year since they were smart enough to give Ali and Cody's chicken to the dogs.
Later, Ali and Cody come downstairs to see how their devious little plan turned out. Michael and Nina pretend they ate the chicken, but Ali catches on. Rambunctious behavior ensues. The kids try to bust their way into Michael's locked room, then high five each other for saving the day. You see, they're all-American! Just a normal family! It's like a scene out of, say... The Parent Trap. Wait just one flippin' minute. Could this be set up? Say it ain't so.
The day, Ali and Dina-saur sit in the kitchen and plot to bring Nana to Vegas. I'm bored with this plotline. Let's talk about Ali's clothes! She is wearing a leopard print kimono and about 73 pounds of makeup. It all adds up to a look that screams bordello maven. Okay, we can go back to regularly scheduled programming because Nana's home! She shows up with a tribute portrait of her late husband. Dina-saur VOs about her parents' 50-year marriage and how they were there for her during her divorce. In an interview, Nana admits that she's less motivated to go on trips now that her husband is gone.
All the LoHos hang out in the kitchen reminiscing about Pop Pop. Even little Cody pulls out Pop Pop's mass card, which he wears in his shin guard during games. Nana tears up while reading the card, and Cody gives her a consolation hug. She interviews that it's only getting harder to live without her partner as time passes. Poor Nana! Dina-saur finally realizes she should stop pushing Nana to go to Vegas.
Later, Michael and Nina leave LoHouse. As a lark, Cody jumps on the car hood as Michael pulls away. Dina-saur brings out the bitch face as she reprimands him, then turns her wrath to Michael and Nina. Just an everyday, American family, kids! The episode ends with a dedication to "A Beautiful Life: John L. Sullivan, 1924-2004."
up: It's Vegas, baby! Things start on a high note as the Maloofs toast to Ali's success, then inevitably take a downturn when she actually has to, you know, sing. Cue teenage crying, excessive mommying, and smoke blowing in an upward direction around many, many asses.
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