Seriously guys, in addition to the high-octane suckitude that is Living Lohan itself, one of the major hazards of watching this show is the fact that I have to watch Denise Richards pole dancing in the minutes before LiLo even begins. But enough self-pity...On with the show!
We open on that bastion of suburbia and normality that is North Merrick, New York. And you know what? It may actually be all that and more, but -- for reals -- we're watching a show about Dina Lohan, so let's just call a spade a spade, mmmkay? Dina-saur prepares for a photo shoot with Animal Fair magazine. She explains in an interview that the LoHos just loooove animals. Cody tries to get out of opening the door, but Dina-saur claims Ali's "busy" -- by which she means she doesn't have any makeup on. And since there's not a speck of publicity that any Lohan has ever met and ignored, Cody ultimately lets in the magazine folks.
In a purely expository VO, Dina explains Cody's main problem is that he's surrounded by women. As she does so, Cody talks to his older brother, Michael Sr., and I really did try to pay attention, but I'm too busy figuring how Ali manages to pile that much lip gloss on without it just giving up and dripping off...
Meanwhile, enter Wendy Diamond, Editor-in-Chief of Animal Fair -- and herself no stranger to reality television. The photographer takes pictures of Ali and Dina-saur while Wendy lobs softballs at them, asking Dina-saur things like how she manages to take care of all these dogs and her children...and if it's harder to train her dogs or her children. Dina-saur stock-quips, "No comment" for the latter. Har har...Basically, the entire interview allows Dina-saur to cram Ali and her forthcoming album down America's throat. What Ali's nonexistent album has to do with her predilection for and/or ownership of canines, I couldn't tell you.
It's also a chance for Dina-saur to reminisce about her days in the biz. The days of fishnet and roses! In typical Lohan fashion, Ali tries to hijacks Dina-saur's moment by getting suddenly, violently allergic to the dogs. Now, in lieu of pounds and pounds of makeup, Ali slathers Benadryl on her face. While she does that, the dogs run amok all over LoHouse. Opening credits.
Cody talks to Michael on the videophone. With the simplicity of an 11-year-old, Cody explains that he misses his big bro because he's not a girl. Ali, in VO, adds that Cody needs a man's influence. All of this is code for "We hate our deadbeat, ex-addict father," of course. Soon enough, though, Michael comes home! In a Subaru station wagon! Because nothing says masculine influence like the vehicle of choice for our nation's best and brightest lesbian house-moms.
Michael also brings with him Nina, his girlfriend of 18 months. He explains that Nina is his most serious relationship ever, and she recounts some "hilarious" story of their meeting over mixed-up towels. Dina-saur interviews that she approves of Nina. (Side note: Is it just me, or is it a semi-creepy coincidence that their names are only one letter apart?)
In a somewhat foreboding comment, Michael notes that Nina doesn't understand his family. To remedy this problem, he's forcing her to spend as much time with them as possible. Having now spent several hours with these bitches -- aided by editors' guiding hands, no less -- I still don't understand them, so Godspeed to you, Nina! At any rate, the youngest LoHos clearly have great affection for their big bro. Ali reveals that she's already planning Michael's wedding to Nina, and Cody gives Michael a big bear hug when he arrives. Nina, to her credit, settles right in and cuddles with the dogs -- not for a photo shoot, it's worth noting.
Michael admits he spends most of the year at college, so he doesn't get to spend much time with his family, especially Cody. He and Cody then set up a soccer goal and play, and I seriously think that it's the only thing this kid can (or will) do. If he's not dribbling a soccer ball or talking about one of the LoHos, he's not in the scene. Period. That's all beside the point, of course, because Michael has to earn Dina-saur's love just like all the other kids, and he does to by explaining what a deadbeat his father is. Michael says that he has become Cody's father figure.
Speaking of crappy parents, Ali has decided she wants another dog...even though she has five...which give her allergies. She thinks she doesn't have one that is "her own." More on that later...
Elsewhere, Dina-saur, Michael, and Nina chat at the kitchen table. Michael and Dina-saur talk about how the littlest Lohans call Michael all the time for advice and homework help. I don't know why they would look the gift horse that is "Long Island's Mother of the Year" in the mouth, but that's just me. Dina-saur interviews that it must be hard for Nina to understand the Lohan family's struggles. Over a series of stills, Michael details all of the stuff his family has gone through -- Dina-saur's divorce, Lindsay's many scandals, and Ali's career. (No comment on that last one. Too easy.) Michael says he took a fatherly role early since his namesake was generally "in and out" of the picture. Unlike Dina-saur, who was totally hands-on -- like that time she rushed away from a party at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone to put out a household fire.
Staged or not, Michael tucks Cody into bed that night. Later, he talks to Ali about going to Vegas to record her album, and he teases her about getting into trouble, and I must admit, I really kind of like Michael. I mean, he has oversized eyebrows, and he is a Lohan (with all the built-in douchery and mistrust that that implies), but I stand by my judgment. He's especially awesome when you consider how everyone in this family is just a pack of Ariva, a lesbian DJ, and a spare pair of pants away from being a certified shit show. Ultimately, Michael says he has faith in Ali, and that she has a good head on her shoulders and will handle herself just fine. Nina joins in on the love fest, giving the kids a kiss before sleep. Then she gives Michael a kiss before sleep, too...if you know what I mean.
The morning, Michael earns his place on the show in yet another way by folding clothes...shirtless. Everyone else hangs in the kitchen, and Dina-saur looks through the papers with a disgusted expression, lest we forget that those damn tabloids will never leave her alone! Outside, Ali plays with the family's 500 dogs, and Michael scoffs at how many dogs they have and how Ali won't actually take care of any of them. Cue scrappy dog montage.
Finally, we get to the dramatic set-up for this show's A-game action: Ali approaches Dina-saur about getting a dog. Dina-saur is incredulous, but Ali reiterates her theory that she needs a pet of her own. Dina-saur whines about all the pets she already has to watch. Ali VOs that she is a Lohan woman and will always get what she wants. She achieves this by being a big, fat brat about the whole situation, storming off, and slamming her door. Dina-saur responds, in turn, by implying Ali is immature, then...wait for it...slamming the door on her. Oh, snap!
Before we know it, though, Ali's on the horn with a breeder, arranging to adopt a Micro-Mini Maltese. She goes the pet store to ogle the fur balls. She thinks Dina-saur will change her mind when she sees how cute the little mongrel is. She arrives home to all the other dogs barking their faces off at the newbie -- foreshadowing the noise we'll soon hear from LoHouse's main Bitch. Apropos of that, Dina-saur comes on scene. Ali, of course, stands right by the door, holding the puppy. And the fit hits the shan...right after commercials.
We rejoin Dina-saur walking into LoHouse to find an unauthorized puppy in Ali's arms. Dina-saur is all, "Oh no you di'n't" as she reads Ali the riot act, accusing Ali of lying to her. Even Ali's surprised at this insane overreaction. Dina-saur says Ali crossed the line.
Later, Dina-saur runs down the situation with Nana, who issues the advice I suspect she has given time and time again -- say no and mean it. The once-staunch Dina-saur waffles, saying that Ali might be able to deal with her school troubles better if she learns how to nurture another living creature. It's classic enabler logic, and I am in no way surprised that Dina-saur was once married to an addict. So, despite Nana's pragmatism and protest, Dina-saur decides to give Ali a trial period of 24 hours to prove she can handle dog ownership. And thus ends the brief, shining moment that Nana appears in this God-forsaken episode.
Dina heads upstairs to lay down the law for Ali. Dina tells her she has to be responsible because this dog is forever, not just for 24 hours. Of course, while she does this, she totally over-emphasizes the 24-hour part of the deal, and I think we all know where this storyline is going. So...long story short, Ali gets a dog in the most underhanded, bratty, greedy, immature way possible. Ali 1, All That Is Good In This World 0.
Cut to Ali totally sucking at dog ownership. To her credit, she does pick up dog crap, but then Dina-saur rubs it in her face (metaphorically) and tells her to pick up all the other dogs' crap, too. Just so we know how hard Ali has it now that she's a full-fledged doggie mama (for the last 43 seconds, at least), we see footage of all the other LoHos playing around the house while Ali walks dogs. Give this girl a medal! After about a minute and a half of Ali's pathetic attempt at parenting, Dina-saur, the original shoddy parent, claims to be impressed by Ali's newfound responsibility. Bless those pooches' poor, neglected souls.
Upstairs, more folding of clothes as Michael and Nina squabble. Nina says she wants to go home. Michael is disappointed because he planned for her to spend time at LoHouse. He doesn't think she's spent enough time with his family and doesn't understand why she would want to spend time with her own kin folk. He has clearly been sucked into the Lohan cosmos, in which anything and everything revolves around them, and in which no one else's issues, personal commitments, or priorities have any relevance or value. Can you blame him, really? Well, yeah, I suppose you can.
At any rate, VO Michael gets to the bigger issue that trust is a problem with his family. He reasons that the only way he can build trust between Nina and his family is to have them spend time together. Underlining (or should I say undermining?) this idea of trust, we have Ali indiscreetly spying on them from the hallway. She keeps peacocking in front of Michael's door in a sports bra, thereby inserting herself into the action in the least subtle way possible because A.) the attention is off her for a millisecond and B.) there is drama going down of which she's not a part.
She then strategically plops herself smack in the middle of it by snitching to Dina-saur, who decides they need to stick their noses in the situation. Michael and Nina continue to quarrel about their families in his room, and Ali continues to snoop. Nina interviews that she wants to spend time with her family, but Michael doesn't understand. She resolves to head out. What's the big deal? Commercials.
Some time later, Nina asks Dina-saur to take her to the train station. Dina-saur puts up a big show of asking whether she really wants to go, but ultimately takes her. Ali stokes the flames by calling Nina a "meanie" as she and Michael share their parting words...make that word, singular: "Whatever." And seriously? This is so G.D. dumb, I can barely even go there. In a family where the father is an emotionally abusive ex-addict, the oldest daughter is a mink-coat-stealing, possible lesbian, only-in-name-alleged addict, and the rest of the family are dirty, dirty fame whores, they couldn't dig up anything better than "Michael's girlfriend wants to spend time with her parents"? I mean, I have no doubt that Dina-saur had E! by the balls for the duration of this show, but come on!
In the car on the way to the train station, Dina-saur gives Nina sage. She gives an all-too-short synopsis of a tragic love story between her and a boyfriend that died in a car accident. Shortly thereafter -- or so this version of the story goes -- she met and married Michael Sr. The story is actually pretty irrelevant to Nina and Michael Jr.'s current predicament, but it gives an interesting insight into one of the many reasons why Dina-saur is a big ol' mess.
The episode reaches its denouement as scenes of Michael at his home are intercut with ones of Nina heading to hers. Dina-saur pours salt on Michael's wounds by echoing that Nina doesn't understand the family. She really lays it on thick, crying as she says that he's everything to them and that "If somebody doesn't know where you're from, they're never gonna get it." Michael concludes this is something he and Nina will have to work out over time.
time on one of the worst shows I have ever watched (including but not limited to The Littlest Groom): Ali heads to Vegas to record, and -- our only consolation -- that hot ho Nana is coming along whether she likes it or not. Also, Michael continues to mourn the slow death of his relationship with Nina, and sweet, stupid Cody tries to play matchmaker and fix it all.