So, I could try to recap the trail of tears that has given this show its reason for being, but I thought long and hard. And I realized that A) Anyone who cares to consult the much-touted blogs appearing on the show will get a much better update than I can single-handedly provide, B) We live in an age where people like Tila Tequila and Kim Kardashian have shows, so Dina and Ali are, frankly, on the top of the heap, and C) If you're watching already, you likely don't need my help getting up to speed. So, with that, all I can say is, "Let go and let God." Without further ado... Living Lohan.
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood -- the neighborhood of North Merrick, New York. Lite rock plays as we pan in on a typical suburban house, outfitted with all the typical suburban stuff -- soccer cleats, kids roughhousing, an ambling dog... oh yeah, and there's a subtly elegant placard that says, "If it has tires or testicles, it's gonna give you trouble." These are typical suburbanites, people. Got it? And yet, we see pics of...Lindsay Lohan?!
Meet Dina Lohan, Long Island Mingling Moms' "Mother of the Year". Dina-saur explains that she's a single mother with sole custody of her children. She lays the foundation that what Dina says goes. She barrels through a series of talking head expositional interviews, summing up, "There's nothing more important than family to me... question!"
The credits play out like tabloid covers, with a choice clip of each character that turns into a still and encapsulates their story arc with a snappy headline. First, we see Dina-saur on speakerphone acting like all kinds of Momager. The headline? "Dina Lohan Fights Back." up, "Grandma Lohan Fears for Family." Then Dina's son -- a little rascal on par with Alfalfa -- "Cody Lohan Lashes Out." And finally, Aliana "Ali," younger sister to everyone's favorite fire crotch. Her headline reads, "Ali Lohan: Typical Teenage Girl?" Now I've been brainwashed and have no need to suss out the complexities of plot for myself. Dear sweet Lord, this is going to be a long 23 minutes. In truth, I was half-heartedly hoping the credits would hearken back to the Anna Nicole show days, back before E! began airing erudite fare like The Girls Door...
It's daytime at the LoHouse on Long Island. Dina-saur and her assistant, Alexis, chat about jury duty. To serve or not to serve? The suspense is practically killing me! Dina-saur then laments that she has to read about her crack whore daughter's goings-on every morning. Cody asks her why she reads the tabloids, and she has no good explanation. She later interviews that she has to stay on top of the gossipmongers, and occasionally sic her lawyers on them, or else they will destroy Lindsay's career. Yeah, best to leave that to Lindsay herself. It'll be much quicker. Dina-saur then compares herself to a lion protecting her cubs. Dina-saur says she's over the tabs, despite her earlier admission that she pores over them every day.
we meet "Nana," Dina's mother. Even Nana has been plagued by the pap pestilence. But, I say, until her dentures show up on eBay, ain't no use whinin'. We also learn Cody doesn't like the paps either. They don't like the paps, got it?
Speaking of broken records, Dina-saur calls to set up Ali's recording session. She has partnered with the Maloof brothers, who own of The Palms Hotel in Las Vegas. And now I ask you -- When you have one daughter who's been to rehab no less than three times in the last year, and a 14-year-old who plans to follow in her foot steps, might night club owners from Sin City not be the best choice as album producers for said 14-year-old?
Finally, we officially meet Ali as she slathers on about 45 pounds of makeup. Roll montage of photo shoots, recording sessions, and run-of-the-mill fame whoring. Ali says she's really excited to record her second album (second?). She chats with Alexis about possible songs. Again, seriously? Second?! She interviews that she's not happy with the tracks her label has sent her. She listens to a JoJo-style jam from a producer named Jeremy Greene. Alexis fondly recounts the days when LiLo was launching her epic music career.
Dina-saur returns home. Ali starts to bitch about her burgeoning music career. Then we get the episode's thematic sound bite, as Dina-saur says she'll fix it, a.k.a. strong arm, step on, or generally smack down anyone who does them wrong. Nobody puts Baby Lohan in corner!
The LoHos get on the phone with Zoe Thrall, the Director of the Studio at The Palms. Ali says she only likes one song they sent her. Zoe basically gives Ali the what-for, implying that she has no vision and only likes songs that sound like hits already on the radio. The LoHos push back. The label's point: "We are smarter and more experienced than you." The LoHos' counterpoint: "Shut uuuuup!"
Dina-saur pushes for more producers, specifically Jeremy Greene. After they hang up, she advises Ali only to please herself as an artist, saying they listened to thousands of songs before settling on the tracks that made Lindsay's international smash record, Speak. And, I'm not gonna lie, I love me some "Rumors," but if that was better than thousands of other songs, then God bless us all.
A silver SUV pulls up to the LoHouse, driven by Jeremy Greene, who resembles Chad Michael Murray by way of Adam Levine. He's a douche, got it? Dina-saur reveals that Jeremy once asked her to manage his career, but she was too popular and in demand, so now she's throwing him this bone of working with catapult Ali at the start of her soon-to-be-stellar career. Jeremy plays some demos, and they discuss the stresses that recording might bring on Ali. Tellingly, Dina-saur likes one track in particular, called "Not My Fault" (which can be found on Jeremy's MySpace), with lyrics such as "It's not my fault that you're in love with me/I'm not in love with you/What am I supposed to do?"
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Ali arrives home and listens to the demos. She says she prefers hip-hop-style music. As a resident of Waterville, Maine, Jeremy is quite the connoisseur of the urban flava, so he takes it upon himself to enlighten Ali that hip-hop influences much of today's music industry. Ali interviews that she has known Jeremy long enough (3 or 4 months, according to an earlier interview) to trust him. They rehearse the song informally. Ali sings like Lindsay, though less cigarette-addled.
The day, or thereabouts, Alexis sets about her "morning duties," a.k.a. scouring the Internet for LiLo gossip. Alexis's search yields the now disproved sex tape with LiLo's ex-boyfriend Callum Best. Dina-saur disapproves. Commercials. Back at the scene of the grime, Dina-saur is incredulous. Ali joins in on the clucking, and they end up calling LiLo in L.A. She denies making the tape -- and for once is telling the truth. ("These aren't my pants!" -- not so much.)
Dina-saur says her struggle with the paps is like a big game of chess. She calls the blogger in question (i.e. The Queen of All Media Who Must Not Be Named) to shut this shit down, and starts into the most obviously fake conversation, bandying about diplomatic words like "false" and "proof," following them up with threats of legal action. Moreover, Dina-saur is pissed that the blogger won't identify his source. She rues that her children have to deal with the fallout from their sister's questionable actions -- though she lays more blame on the bloggers for reporting said actions, rather than on the whorebag doing them.
Outside, Cody and Jeremy bond over a game of pick-up basketball. Boring. Back inside, Dina-saur asks Jeremy to watch Ali and Cody while she goes out. Jeremy Greene -- emerging hitmaker... and babysitter! I'm sure Clive Davis and Timbaland cut their teeth this way, too.
Ali piles on some more makeup before going rock climbing with Jeremy and Cody. At the climbing wall, tweens ask for autographs. Ali interviews that she's following in LiLo's footsteps and wants to do everything exactly like her, including dress like her. May I suggest this gorgeous mink coat? Jeremy calls Ali a "rock star." Is he trying to be punny? Ironic? Ernest? Sycophantic? All of the above?
Dina-saur attends a dinner party for a former local judge. Never one to let the spotlight stray, she asks how she can get out of jury duty. They discuss, and... scene. Let me just say, I am so glad that cliffhanger has been settled so I can sleep at night.
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The day, Dina-saur drives around, instructing Alexis to Google her. I wish I were kidding. At the LoHouse, Alexis comes across an article that claims LiLo called Jeremy her boyfriend, even though they don't know each other at all. Such scandal that lingers over LoHouse! We soon enough get a series of shots where Ali and Dina-saur take turns basically reading the article in its entirety. For people who are so hell-bent on "setting the record straight," they give a fair amount of airtime to the other side. Basically, the LoHos are upset that their confidant-cum-producer-cum-au pair could betray them. They've known him for three months. Three months! Dina-saur explains that Jeremy doesn't understand the game yet, and that she was once in his shoes. They plan to confront Jeremy with the article and watch his reactions -- kind of like the first step of mafia interrogation.
Jeremy arrives, dun dun dun! Dina-saur is conspicuously missing as Ali does her dirty work... er... I mean, greets him. She's all smiles and sweetness until she takes him upstairs to show him the article, then she really tears into him. She accuses him of displaying the telltale signs of a liar. For his part, he does a piss-poor job of diffusing the situation, partly because it's so unexpected and ludicrous, but mostly because he's dumb. Jeremy tries to explain himself, but Ali keeps cutting him off. She's made up her mind. Jeremy's fate may be sealed, but we shan't know until Sunday. The screen mocks us with three little words: "To Be Continued..." We're talking Hitchcock-level suspense, people.
Judging from the extended "Coming Up" sequence that follows, you'd think a lot of stuff is going to happen on this series, but I can sum it up fairly simply: Dina-saur is a controlling hausfrau, the likes of which I wouldn't want to run into in a dark alley, and Ali is way too young to handle the life she has "chosen." And we wonder why Lindsay has gone gay and taken her lover's last name... But before I go, let's wrap this whore weecap up in a neat little bow called "Allegedly."
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