After a really long "previously," which manages to explain who every single character on this show is, and what his or her motivation is, and where they each went to college and what color their underwear is, we get....
...Donovan and Jada in a restaurant. Donovan plays with their adorable baby as an African-American man looks at them. Donovan glares at this guy, ignoring Jada as she tries to talk to him about...you know, married people stuff. (What do I know? I'm just a single girl.)
Outside, Jada fiddles with the car seat, but Donovan isn't helping her with it because he's too busy staring at Staring Guy. And then Donovan gets in Staring Guy's face, and the thing you know, they're shoving each other. "Stubbin, just calm down," Jada advises, like who is he, Agent Mulder, that she's calling him by his last name? Anyway, there's yet more shoving, and then there's some punching, and Staring Guy goes down, and Jada throws her hands up in the air and asks her husband if he's lost his ever-loving mind. And Donovan turns to her and says (and I apologize in advance for what I am about to type, but I feel like a direct quote is called for in this instance), "Hey, Jada, don't go all nigger on my ass." And Jada and I both gasp, and her head just whips around and she shoots him the most quintessential "Oh, no he diiiiii'n't" look any of us have ever seen. And can I just take a moment to say that I cannot believe that got past Standards & Practices? Because that's not the first time we're going to hear the "n"-word tonight. Just warning you.
Cut to Roy's. He's watching TV and thinking about what a shitty undercover agent he is and counting the days he's got left to live before he blows his cover and gets whacked. There's a knock on the door. Why, it's Donovan! He needs a place to crash.
Across town, Malloy is at a christening party full of Janet's relatives, looking completely miserable. Janet plays with the baby of the hour, as her husband shovels nuts in his gaping maw and thinks about shooting himself. I have to tell you, this party does resemble some of the more painful extended family gatherings I've had to attend myself, so I sympathize. In the background, Janet makes Mommy Faces at the child, and then forces the baby to wave at Malloy. He waves back at the kid very dryly. It's fairly funny.
So, Malloy goes in the kitchen, where he finds a redhead drinking beer. He helps himself to one, desperately. Oh, brother. I hear that. There's a reason my dad always gives me an extra finger of booze in my eggnog at family gatherings. "Can you believe we're related to this people?" asks the redhead. Malloy points out that he married into this family, but that Redhead had the fortune to be born into it. In the span of, like, twenty seconds, we learn that her name is Tiffany, she's Janet's cousin, she's twenty-one, and she's unemployed. Exposition, whee! Malloy takes a seat across from the winsome Tiffany and announces that he's got tons of twenty-one-year-old girls working for him. At his "gentleman's club." Tiffany thinks this means "strip club." Malloy explains that it actually means "whorehouse." Tiffany wrinkles her nose. "Hookers? Gross," she squirms. "'Gross'?" Malloy asks. Tiffany squeals that it's demeaning. Malloy counters that cleaning toilets is demeaning. I don't know about that. Someone has to clean the toilets. Everyone appreciates a nice clean toilet. It's an honest day's work. You can tell people about it. I imagine that it might not be as easy to say that you take money from men and then let them stick it in you. So to speak. Tiffany, though, is not impressed by the whorehouse idea. Malloy shrugs that, if it's not her thing, it's not her thing. "I'm not a prude or nothing. I just have self-respect," Tiffany explains. Self-respect, but not even a rudimentary grasp of English grammar, I see. She also points out that whoring is unsafe and illegal. Malloy informs her that his employees have never gotten arrested, nor the clap. "The only thing they've gotten is rich," he says. Enter Janet. She wants Malloy to do something to the baby, or something -- I don't know, my phone rang -- and then tells Malloy to give Tiffany a job. She leaves, just in time for Tiffany to sing the word "rich?" Oh, Tiffany.
Across town, Paige is playing Sydney Bristow and beating the shit out of a hanging bag in an abs-baring sports bra. Leslie Bibb's body looks great, although a sandwich probably wouldn't hurt her. She's also listening to "Werewolves Of London," because the music coordinator for this show doesn't know what year this is. Don't get me wrong; I like oldies. But this show hasn't yet used a song that post-dates 1980, which is a little weird. Mix it up, music coordinator! I know that when I'm working out my issues with my Poor Dead Husband by beating up a hanging bag and also flaunting my hot abs, I like to follow "Werewolves Of London" with a little "Crazy In Love." Get with the times, music dudes. Anyway, Paige's phone rings. Leslie Bibb makes a series of constipated faces and says she's on her way.
Welcome to the Law & Order portion of our show. Somewhere in Richmond, Ever Carradine -- late of Once And Again -- went out for coffee, and her little girl was kidnapped. She is sad. And the FBI is on the case! Who goes out for coffee in the morning and leaves her grade-school child home alone every day? I would be worried that, at worst, the kid would burn the house down, and, at best, that the poor child would be inadvertently exposed to The View. Anyway, Lisa is talking to the press about it, and Ever Carradine -- her name here is Kelly -- is crying, and Jennifer is standing on the grass and looking sad and maternal because every time a kid is involved in a case, Jennifer is drawn to the scene by the power of her uterus. Paige finally shows up in sweats and wet hair and gets the bullet from Jennifer. "Where's the dad?" Paige asks. "Died in 9/11. Tower One," Jennifer says. Paige makes her But My Husband Died in 9/11 face, because this is going to be another one of those episodes. I don't know. I'm still on the fence about this 9/11 storyline. I can see how it could be a compelling backstory for a character, but I think it would work so much better if it were just that: backstory. It's something that has to be handled subtly to work on a show like this, I think, or it becomes an anvil that the audience is bludgeoned with. You know, Paige's Husband Was Killed in 9/11, SO YOU HAVE TO LIKE HER. Or maybe I'm just not ready to be treating that day like fiction yet. I don't know. Anyway. Lisa comes over and tells Paige that Paige's job is to stay with Kelly and hold her hand all day. And so Paige heads in to the house, and Jennifer and Lisa head to the car. "You know that Van Doren's husband died on 9/11, in the Pentagon, right?" Jennifer asks. "Yes, I know that," Lisa snaps, chewing on a toothpick. "THE ENTIRE WORLD KNOWS THAT," the audience screams.
Paige goes inside the house, which is swarming with Feds. Sad, Sad, Sad Widow music plays as Paige introduces herself to Kelly. "We are going to find your daughter," Paige says, in that annoying Paige Has Moxie And Inner Strength way that's supposed to make us want to clasp her to our breasts and comfort her, but which actually makes me want to make myself a very stiff drink. And then throw it in her face.
Roy's apartment. Donovan snores on the sofa, loudly. Roy comes out of his bedroom, all shirtless. And I hate to say this, but...eh. He sort of doesn't do it for me anymore. Maybe if he acted less like an eighth-grade girl. I mean, seriously, I've never seen a grown man do more pouting and stomping and eye-rolling than Roy did during the whole Bert Is Dirty? Bert's Not Dirty! Bert Is Dirty shenanigans. Also, the waxed chest is not my thing. Anyway, Roy gets some juice and puts his shirt on and makes a lot of noise and finally Donovan wakes up. After pleasantries, Roy asks Donovan why he needed to crash. Donovan isn't in the mood to get into it. "No, I mean, what are you doing here," Roy says, and for a second, I thought he meant, like, what is Donovan doing on earth and hoped this wasn't going to get all philosophical on me, but he just means at Roy's apartment. Donovan's all, "Because I trust you," and turns on the TV, which is set to the All Flag-Burning, All the Time channel, allowing Donovan to make a face and call the flag-burning "bullshit." Because I guess we can say that on TV now, too.
Split screen to Law & Order; Richmond District. Blah blah kidnapped blah. At the FBI, Lisa gets in front of an enormous microphone and tells her crew that she needs them to...you know, find that kid. Really? Because I thought she just wanted them to sit around, swapping swap recipes and darning socks.
Lisa and Jennifer head in to talk to Hot, Hot Todd, who's working on checking out local sex offenders, and the "chat record" on Hannah's computer. Hannah is the kidnapped kid. Did I forget to mention that? No one cares. They all yap a bit about how Kelly gets coffee every morning, leaving the kid alone. Jennifer says that's weird, and bad, bad, bad mothering, and she knows, because she has children! She's a working mother! Did you know that Jennifer has children? Children and a career? Anyway, she thinks Kelly killed the kid. She hasn't said so yet, but you can just tell.
Kelly's. Paige is being kind. Kelly is crying. What's this show about again? Where am I? What's my name? Anyway, Kelly's mother finally shows up, and there's this whole bit about how Kelly knows her mother doesn't approve of her Going Out For Coffee routine, but she just needs to see adults in the morning, and, seriously, does this have anything to do with Malloy at all, or am I just watching two totally uninvolved storylines? It's like watching Law & Order for ten minutes and then The Sopranos for ten more and then back to Law & Order. Except not nearly as compelling. Whatever. So, Ever Carradine cries some more, and then Kelly spills that she broke up with her boyfriend last night and wah wah wah wah wah.
Jennifer goes to talk to the boyfriend. He's clearly not a kidnapper. He does, however, tell Jennifer that Kelly is a shitty, shitty mother, who didn't even tell him about her kid until three weeks ago. Jennifer, Protector And Arbitrator Of All Things Maternal, is, of course, horrified. Did you hear me? Horrified! The Ex-Boyfriend adds that he feels real bad about the whole 9/11 thing, but that he also thinks Kelly needs to move on, because she's like, you know, a professional widow.
So, Jennifer runs to Lisa and tells her that Kelly's all about being "the widow," and that because she needs to be the victim, she must have orchestrated little Hannah's tragic disappearance for attention. At this, Lisa looks thoughtful. Man, this episode is full of nothing. Shouldn't Lisa be having dangerous, promiscuous sex with a stranger in the broom closet, or something?
Elsewhere, Todd questions Hannah's babysitter, who adds that in addition to being a Bad, Bad Mother, Kelly also drinks too much and can't make anything in her life work. Todd nods and also looks hot.
At the FBI, someone traces the events of the last few days before Hannah's vanishing act on a white board, because now I'm recapping Without A Trace. Jennifer is still yapping that Kelly killed the kid. Todd, on the other hand, thinks this theory is a little over the top. Jennifer insists that she just knows that something is off with Kelly. "I think she knows exactly what happened to Hannah," Jennifer announces, importantly.
Malloy's House of Whores. Jade looks at Tiffany's naked body. And we, in the studio audience, have to look at Tiffany's entire naked backside for a long, long time. Over at Standards & Practices, someone flips through a copy of Juggs and drinks a Tab. Anyway, Jada very professionally runs down the whorehouse rules. "Always use a condom" is the first one. "That's okay, I'm on The Pill," Tiffany says. Jada and I scoff. Tiffany, not three scenes ago you were telling Malloy that being a hooker was unhealthy, and now you're pooh-poohing the need for condoms? Apparently, one of the reasons that you can't get other work is because you have no short-term memory. Also, you're an idiot. Jada wisely points out that Tiffany always needs to use a condom. "Same thing with oral sex. Always use a condom. It save you from disease," Jada says. Plus, nothing tastes better than latex! Jada adds that there's no kissing on the mouth, either. It's too intimate, and it's bad for business. She then runs down their prices: $125 for an hour, $85 for half an hour, and she advises Tiffany to book her johns for the entire hour, because it never takes that long, and she still gets paid. Well, this is all very educational. I am taking notes in case I find myself unemployed again. Actually, this is probably the most interesting scene in the entire episode. I'm telling you, Whorehouse is gonna make a great show. FOX, call me! Jada concludes that tips are Tiffany's to keep. "What usually happens?" Tiffany asks. Jada explains that it's usually fifty-fifty: "Half oral, half sex." Tiffany smiles, like, "Hey, blowjobs, I can handle." And who amongst us hasn't thought that? She then wonders what happens if the johns want to do something she isn't into. Jada sighs and says that Tiffany needs to try to make her customers happy, adding, "Be safe, be smart, and don't get hurt. And that includes your feelings." Jada is, like, the nicest boss ever. ["Hello? When did I ever tell you you couldn't keep your tips?" -- Wing Chun] Tiffany gets it. "Okay. Well, everyone has the same first customer, so...are you ready for this?" Jada asks. Tiffany is. Oh, dude. If the same first customer is who I think it is, I am gonna lose it. And by "it," I mean both my lunch and my mind.
At Roy's, Donovan lifts weights. Racial slurs aside, he sure is hot. But he's listening to goddamn "Take A Load Off, Annie." MUSIC SUPERVISOR: TURN ON THE RADIO AND ENTER THE TWENTY-FIRST DAMNED CENTURY. Jeezy Chreezy. Anyway, Roy wants to figure out what's bothering his bestest friend Donovan, and asks him again what happened with Jada. Be prepared. There's a lot of the n-word in this exchange. Okay. Here we go. So, Donovan says that Jada is pissed because he hit a guy who was all pissed because they're in an interracial relationship. Or so Donovan gathered from the expression on the man's face. Or something. Donovan continues: "And Jada sided with him, and I said, 'Don't go all nigger on my ass,' and --" Roy's eyes get real big. "You said that to her?" Roy asks. "You called her a nigger?" Donovan admits that he did, but swears he didn't mean it: "It's just a word." Roy's eyes are seriously like saucers in his head. "'Nigger' is the word of no return, Stubbs," he says. Donovan shrugs and starts putting away his weights. "Well, screw her," he says, very mildly. "She knows I didn't mean anything by it." Roy doesn't know what else to say. I would try, "Don't use that word ever, ever again, you fucking idiot, what the fuck is wrong with you?" but that's just me.
Malloy's House of Whores. Tiffany waits for her first customer. It is, indeed, Malloy. I want to die. I want to die. I will never be clean again. Tiffany's eyes are real big, but she manages a "hey," and tells him that everyone at the whorehouse seems really nice. He assures her that she doesn't have to do this if she doesn't want to. "It's all good, Jonah," Tiffany says. He walks across the room and starts loosening his tie. "Because it's not for everyone," he adds. What isn't? Seeing you naked? No kidding. "I'm okay," Tiffany shrugs.
Law & Order, Richmond District. Paige is helping Kelly look for pictures of Hannah. She doesn't have very many, because she's a Horrible, Horrible Mother. She doesn't even know that Hannah is allergic to bee stings. Kelly's mother has to remind her. Maybe we should take Kelly out back and shoot her! Then Kelly goes to get a drink, and Ma Kelly assures Paige that Kelly does the best she can, but that she's not the same person she was on September 10th. "None of us are," Paige and I say in unison. What an original line, writers. And Paige, I know you came with wet hair, from the gym, to the crime scene, but would it kill you to fix your hair? That center part is just awful. It's neither straight, nor attractive. Anyway, blah blah, Ma Kelly didn't even like Dead Husband Scott, but what can you do? "You don't get to deal the cards in this life, you just get to play them," she says, and, seriously? I DON'T CARE! What about the undercover operations? What show is this? What am I watching? Have I had a mental break of some sort?
Enter Jennifer and Todd. Can I just take a little nap? Just a little short one? I'm sure I won't miss anything. Okay, fine. Jennifer assures Kelly that they have no new information about her Poor Missing Kid, but that they do want her to take a lie detector test. "BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE A MURDERER," Jennifer manages not to scream. Kelly starts to freak, but Paige assures her that the lie-detector thing is just protocol.
After the ads, the lie detector. Remember that great episode of Seinfeld, where Jerry denies that he watches Melrose Place and his girlfriend, the police officer, makes him take a polygraph, and he finally cracks, screaming, "Stupid Jane! She makes me so mad!" Those were some good times. Ah, Melrose. How I miss you. And, yet, Dynasty has filled that void for me, thanks to TiVo. Why, in just this past week, Fallon's fiancé kidnapped Krystal's horse in order to get a million dollars out of Blake to pay for his cocaine debts and when he did, he returned the horse but dumped Fallon, and when she found out, she ran crying out of the hotel she owns and right into the path of a drunk driver who hit her and then she was in a coma and then she was paralyzed, but then she learned to walk again when she had to save her baby from walking into the pool, and all the while Alexis is plotting to keep her son -- Fallon's brother Adam, the crazy rapist former drug addict -- from marrying Kirby, the girl he raped and knocked up and whom he still wants to marry even though she was also in a coma and then lost their baby and I think Kirby's going to do it, although she's very upset because Alexis told her that her mother -- Kirby's mother, not Alexis's -- was a nymphomaniac who murdered her lover and is now in an asylum for the criminally insane and that's why Kirby's father killed himself a couple of weeks ago and also why Kirby's father tried to smother Alexis with a pillow when she was in the hospital after she almost died in a fire at her mountain cabin, because he was scared that she was going to tell Kirby the truth, and he also set the fire, but then he felt bad because he almost killed Krystal too, and thank God Alexis and Krystal were both saved by Krystal's ex-husband, the tennis pro who is now Alexis's bodyguard and who, fellow recapper Heathen assures me, is about to fall off Alexis's balcony because he can't stop drinking. I mean, that's a good show, right? Anyway, on this show, Kelly passes the polygraph. Jennifer can't believe she's wrong about the kid's being all murdered by her mom. She still really, really, really thinks there's something wrong with Kelly! She simply can not stress that enough.
At the FBI, Lisa gives another big speech that lasts all of two seconds. She tells everyone that Kelly passed the lie detector, and that they're concentrating on other leads. This is riveting.
At Kelly's, Paige mopes around and thinks about her own dead husband while Kelly drinks. Barkeep, I'll have what she's having. Paige thinks that maybe drinking isn't the best idea, but Kelly is all, "Whatever." Then they have this very Meaningful Talk about how Kelly can just feel that Hannah is dead. She can just feel it. They told her that Scott was alive, she explains, but then they found a really burned guy with the same color eyes and they told her it was him, and the false hope that she'd had almost killed her. "Are you married?" Kelly finally asks Paige. Paige tells Kelly that her husband died on 9/11, too. Kelly's all, "Why didn't you tell me?" "Your child's missing. That's what's important. And, Kelly, I still believe she's alive," Paige announces firmly. Kelly asks if Paige has children, and Paige explains that she doesn't. They didn't get around to it, she says, sadly. Kelly explains that she and Scott got married right out of school, had a baby right off the bat, and fought all the time. "We never got to be young," Kelly says, sadly. "What about you guys?" Paige smiles and says that she and "Jake" fought about the laundry. I was going to say that I've decided "Jake" is Jake Hanson on Melrose Place, but I really don't want to kill him off. The idea of Poor Paige's Poor Dead Husband is sad enough as it is. That was the last thing they said to each other, Paige explains, sniffily -- something snippy about laundry. And that is sad. It's important not to stomp off all mad at each other for that very reason, I guess. Let that be a lesson to us all.
FBI. Blah blah blah, Lisa announces that....God, I am so bored. I can't manage to concentrate on this particular plot for more than three seconds. Anyway, they think they've found Hannah, or at least a trail to Hannah. Or something. I don't know. I guess a man and a girl were on the passenger list for a flight to Canada, but didn't get on board. The girl matches Hannah's description, and was listed under Hannah's middle name. Something like that. It's hard to pay close attention when you've drifted into a coma.
Whorehouse. Janet's looking for Jada, but instead she finds her cousin in the hallway in her lingerie. And, as you can imagine, Janet freaks the hell out. "What are you doing?" Janet asks in high-pitched squeal. Tiffany sullenly explains that she's making money, and tells Janet to be cool. "I know it's not the best job," Tiffany adds. Janet is basically speechless with horror.
FBI. Yada yada yada. I don't care. This isn't why I'm watching this show. If I wanted to see this sort of thing, I would watch one of the seventy- Law & Orders on television. I can't do this anymore. Instead, I will read Cosmo. Did you know that the zinc in semen can whiten your teeth? It's true, according to the back page of January's Cosmo. Too bad the ladies at Malloy's House Of Whores aren't going to benefit from that, what with the condoms and all. And this is officially the dirtiest recap I have ever penned. Anyway, Todd gets the driver's license of the guy with Hannah and faxes it to Kelly....
....who looks at it and blanches. "Oh my God. It's my husband. It's Scott."
After the ads, the FBI is tracking down Scott and the kid. Apparently, he's headed back to Canada. "At least the girl's okay," Jennifer says. "For now," Lisa says.
Kelly's. Paige asks if she's seen Formerly Dead Husband Scott at any point in the last two years. Kelly, who is still in shock, shakes her head.
FBI. They magically got Scott's cell-phone number. So Lisa calls him and asks him to bring the kid back. And he agrees. Well. That was easy. Who knew that recovering kidnapped kids was such a snap?
Malloy Manor. Janet is well and truly steamed. "So, you got her a job at the whorehouse," she says by way of greeting her husband. That's how I tend to greet my co-workers at TWoP Towers, actually. Malloy says that, yes, he did. "She's not on the streets. She works for Jada. Your friend. Very upscale, very nice," he says. "You know, Tiffany could have a wonderful career." Janet points out that "whores don't have careers." Malloy counters that Jada makes a pretty good living. "Well, Jada's not a prostitute," Janet says. "Anymore!" Malloy chirps. Yes. Prostitution! It's just like starting in the mailroom somewhere. Eventually, you work your way up! Janet snuffles that she can't believe Malloy didn't tell her this. Malloy assures her that he wanted to make sure Tiffany even liked the job: "Today was her first day. The first day on any job can be very demanding." Janet just blinks: "And do you think she likes it?" Malloy thinks Tiffany will "do well there." Ew. Ew, ew, ew, ew. He then adds that it's a good business opportunity for Little Miss Tiffany. Janet sobs that this is her family. "You would not do this to your own flesh and blood," she accuses. "I don't know that that's true," Malloy says mildly. Hee. David Paymer is sort of funny in this scene. They should let him be funnier more often. He then tells Janet that the Supreme Court has ruled that a woman has the freedom to choose what she does with her own body. Janet does not point out that while abortion is legal, prostitution is not. Instead, she just rolls her eyes and sobs that Malloy doesn't care about her family: "You don't even want a family." Malloy then FAKE CRIES -- can you believe it? -- and tells her that he's never said he doesn't want a child. Janet is all, "You say that all the time," and Malloy snuffles that he doesn't, and tells her that he hasn't felt like this since his mother died. He thinks about having a family with Janet every day. "Really?" Janet melts. Janet, you moron. He's playing you. He's fake crying, for Pete's sake! What is wrong with you? Malloy then tells her that they can talk about babies when she's less angry, and she, of course, immediately becomes less angry and even apologizes and tells him he's right and that Tiffany can make her own decisions and can she have a baby now? Malloy says, "Okay." Oh, MAN. How much does Janet Malloy bug me? I hope Malloy Manor goes up in a giant fireball, wiping out this miserable pair before they do the unthinkable and actually spawn. ["I don't want a baby, but this tactic intrigues me. Maybe if I fake cry at him, Glark will agree that we should get a hot tub." -- Wing Chun]
Kelly's house. She and Lisa and Paige are in the back yard. Lisa tells Kelly that Hannah is fine, and that Scott wants five minutes to explain things to Kelly. Kelly agrees to this, laughing that she could kill him for putting her through this. And then she asks if she can go freshen up. "AND FIND MY GUN," she might as well have said. Although...no, I'll get into that when it happens. Also, Leslie Hope's hair is all weird and flippy again. Is she growing it out? It's not a femullet again, but it's a little long. Anyway, Kelly goes to change and reload, and Paige looks pleased and amazed, and Lisa thinks about how badly she needs a haircut and wonders if there are any serial killers around for her to sleep with.
Whorehouse. Roy. Jada. Roy wants Jada to take Donovan back. "He's just about as sorry as he can be," he smiles. And Jada is nice to Roy, but she's not moving an inch. "He's about to drive me out of my friggin' mind," Roy says. Jada -- who is rapidly becoming my favorite character -- chuckles. "Welcome to my world. Now you see," she says. But she doesn't want to talk about it. "Guess I ain't no Kissinger, huh?" Roy says, and starts to go. Jada stops him and tells him to get rid of all the booze in the house. "I mean, really. For me. I'll see you later," she says very seriously. Roy just looks thoughtful and agrees.
Kelly's. Scott drives up, followed by tons of policemen. He drives down the street for literally, like, ten minutes of footage. There really couldn't be more filler in this episode.
Anyway, Scott finally gets there, and the Feds nab the kid, and Scott gets out of the car all slowly and according to protocol, and Kelly just stands there, and she and Scott stare at each other. Ever Carradine's khakis are too short. I mean, if you care about that kind of thing. Staring, staring. Finally Scott explains that, you know, he was just really unhappy with their marriage and he knows what he did was wrong, but he just felt like 9/11 gave him a chance for a new life: "I realized that I couldn't...I could start over. Be happy again, maybe. Kelly, you and me weren't working. The job wasn't working. Nothing in my life was working. You know that. But I love you guys. That's why I came --" and then Kelly takes out her gun and plugs him in the chest. "GUN!" Paige yells, and everyone goes apeshit, but it's too late. Kelly's killed Scott. And I know some people on the boards were all, "Hell, yeah, I would have killed him, too," but this is my take. For one thing, would you really kill your daughter's father in front of her, after she's already gotten him back from the dead once? I don't think so. And for another...yeah, what he did was tremendously shitty and cowardly, and he should have just gone to her and been like, "I almost died. I need to change my life." But I feel like, Kelly must have loved him once, tremendously, and that his loss must have been terrible for her. I think that, despite the intense anger you'd have to feel toward him for what he did, most people would be happy enough that the man they loved enough to marry and have babies with wasn't actually killed that they'd manage NOT TO SHOOT HIM. I don't know. I just think that most people would be okay with finding out that their loved one was a shitheel in exchange for knowing that said shitheel wasn't...you know, tragically dead.
Anyway. The Feds cuff Kelly. And Paige looks all confused, because, you know, she wants her own husband back, and she can't understand Kelly's damage. Jennifer tells her softly that that the gun was in a lockbox in Kelly's closet, and that Hannah will go live with her grandma. Loose ends! Neatly tied! "She had a second chance," Paige breathes. "Yeah. I'll be in the car when you're ready," Jennifer just says.
So, Paige just goes and works out some more, fingering Jake's dog-tags as she does so.
Across town, Donovan brings Jada flowers. She tells him that they're beautiful. "But it still doesn't change what you said to me," she says. Donovan tells her that he didn't mean it. She knows it, she says, but that's the problem. "See, you don't seem to understand what it means for a black woman to hear that word come from her husband, who's supposed to love and respect her," she explains. Donovan just looks confused and asks if he can come home. "No," Jada says, and kisses him. It's nice to see a woman with a spine on this show, especially after all the horrifying behavior on the part of one Janet Malloy.
At the FBI, Todd calls his dad and tells him he had a rough day. "I saw a guy get shot," he says. Aw, Todd. Come here and let me comfort you. No, take your shirt off first.
At the whorehouse, Tiffany leads a john into the other room. Such a heart-warming story.
And at Malloy Manor, Janet and Malloy have sex. OH GOD, MY EYES. It's too graphic. It's too graphic! I can't recap it. In fact, I don't know if I can ever, ever open my eyes again. There's...nudity. And...moaning. And some...thrusting. Oh, God. I can't go on. I just can't. Why, Lord? Why? Why am I being punished like this?
At the FBI, Lisa calls "Henry," and asks to talk to "him." "Him" is her son, who I guess lives with his dad. Interesting! Hello, backstory. Take a seat. Put your feet up! So, Henry puts the kid on, and Lisa chats with him as she looks at a picture of herself, Henry, and the kid in happier times. And if we thought the femullet was bad....People, Lisa's hair is awful in this picture. She looks like Darlene from Roseanne.
And we end on a shot of Paige, sitting at the gym. The heavy bag sways behind her, mournfully and sympathetically. The end!
week, it looks like Malloy is going after Peter Horton! I can't watch Gary die again, people.