Previously: a bunch of stuff that happened in the pilot, and nothing that happened last week. I think this episode was originally conceived as Episode Two, rather than Three, for various reasons, none of which is enormously troubling, but all of which are vaguely irritating.
Cut to a blonde woman, who is...um, how do I put this delicately? Taking it up the ass? Or I just she could just be taking it from behind. Yes, I am a delicate flower, aren't I? Anyway, she's not having any fun. In fact, she looks miserable. Her lover...finishes, and flops down to her. He chuckles and she looks like she hates herself. "You're beautiful. A beautiful creature," he says, rubbing her shoulder. "Thanks," she tells him blankly, and turns to get out of bed. "You're not one of those love 'em and leave 'em kinds, are you?" he asks. The blonde swears feebly that she is not, and he emotes that he loves the smell of her hair. That's so romantic when you like the boy and so I'm Psychotic And Will Probably Steal Your Fingernail Clippings for Voodoo Love Spells when you don't. Finally, she gets out of bed. "Okay, then. That was great, huh?" he asks, patting his belly, which jiggles like a bowl full of jelly, and not in the good Santa way. "It was really nice," the woman drones, flashing the entire crack of her ass as she puts on her pants. ABC: Because Tuesday Nights Aren't Complete Without A Little Bare Ass. "When will I see you?" he asks. "Tomorrow. 8:30," she says flatly. He chuckles. "Tomorrow. It's a deal." How romantic. This is the sort of relationship I long for in my heart of hearts.
Tomorrow, they do meet again: in a courtroom. The blonde is a defendant; the man is the judge. Her name is Carla Timmons. He is Judge Clyde Parker, and he has sex with women who want to have custody of their children restored to them. At least, this is what he does for Carla, despite the fact that her blood tests haven't been totally clean. In the back of the courtroom, Jennifer Sampson looks disgusted.
In the hallway, Jennifer approaches Carla, flashing her badge and saying that she needs to talk to Carla. "What about?" Carla asks. I don't know, Carla, but my guess is that it's about your greasy, greasy hair. Would it kill you to wash your hair before making an appearance in a court of law? "It's about I need to talk to you," Jennifer clarifies helpfully.
Over at the FBI, everyone else is sitting in on a hearing about Bert Summers's death. Lisa gnaws on a pen and watches as Amiel shifts uncomfortably in his seat. The Big Wig running the meeting announces that if Bert had just waited for Amiel, he would be alive today. "You always wait for back-up," he says. "Yeah," my Agent Scully action figure tells the Agent Mulder, poking him. "We've been off the air for years. Give it a rest," he tells her.
Outside after the meeting, Jennifer pulls Amiel aside. "That guy was right," she tells him. "Bert should have known better. He should have waited for you." Amiel's all, "Whatever." No, he literally says, "Whatever." Jennifer is all, "Don't you 'whatever' me." "It's not your fault," she tells him. "You walk around with this droopy-headed guilt complex, you're gonna cease to be an effective agent. Or partner, for that matter." Amiel, along with the rest of the audience, announces that he gets it. Jennifer snaps that he had better, because they have a major interview later: "Carla Timmons. We have to flip this woman. We have to make her testify against Judge Parker." She's really working up a head of steam when Lisa steps into the fray, telling Amiel that OPR wants to see him in her office. Amiel follows Lisa all the way across the bullpen, nervously yammering that this just has to be routine, and Lisa assures him that it is just routine, like, fifty times. You can tell that she already really wants a drink. So do I, sister. So do I.
Lisa's office. Special Agent OPR. Lisa. Amiel. More talk of how this is just routine. Lisa sits at her desk and tries to decide if she'd rather have a seven and Seven or a scotch and water while Special Agent OPR questions Amiel about Bert's relationship with the perp. Amiel looks like he'd rather be digging out his own eyeball with a spoon.
We split-screen to Malloy, Roy, and Donovan at The Mob's Favorite Bar, where Malloy is interrogating a guy who has a very unfortunate speech impediment. They're talking about...I don't know, horse races? Some kind of low roller deal, which seems to be the only thing Malloy dabbles in. Malloy tells Speech Impediment that he knows people: "People, I know. And I know when they're lying to me. And I love you, Leon, but I don't believe you." Leon's in the middle of whimpering that he knows nothing about nothing, when Donovan just whips out a cleaver and chops off his finger. Blood, naturally, goes everywhere. Leon screams. Roy flinches. Malloy takes Leon by the skull and says that he knows it hurts. Well, duh: you just chopped of his entire finger. "Just tell me the truth and that'll be that with that," he says. Oy. Well, at least they're switching the tense up now. I'll take what I can get. Leon swears. I mean, he promises. Not that he curses. Although cursing wouldn't be out of line, what with the severed finger and all. He doesn't know anything. And so Malloy decides he believes Leon now. "Okay. Okay. Well, that was a clean cut. If the boys get you to the hospital in time, they ought to be able to sew it back on," he says, conversationally. Donovan wrinkles his nose up at the idea of taking Leon to the hospital, but does offer to call a cab. "Where's my finger? I can't find my finger," Leon wails, amusingly. This entire scene is somewhat amusing, actually. Roy finds the finger on the floor and retrieves it. Malloy directs him to put it on ice, but Roy thinks you're supposed to wrap it in a clean white towel. I think you wrap the wound in the towel, and the finger in the ice, but what do I know? I learn everything from TV, anyway. Leon just groans, as Roy must be wondering what, exactly, he's gotten himself into.
Credits. Dear Jeffrey Sams: you are hot. Love, the world.
After the ads, we fade up on Roy and Donovan, who are driving around, as they are wont to do, and making fun of poor Fingerless Leon. Donovan pulls up in front of Malloy's House of Whores and tells Roy that he's about to meet his wife, so he'd best be on his most polite behavior. Yes, this episode was clearly supposed to be after the pilot and before last week, because last week, Roy already knew Jada. Anyway.
Bambi sits in the living room of the House of Whores, drinking coffee and thinking about how she has sex for money. Jada asks Donovan why he's got blood all over his shirt, and he tells her not to worry her pretty little head about it, as he hangs up their dry-cleaning. Jada -- who is, really, just lovely -- introduces herself to Roy. "Long time, Roy," Bambi calls from the sofa. "Bambi. Holy shit," Roy says. Or, at least, that's what it sounded like until I turned on the closed captioning. He actually said, "Bambi. Early shift." Bambi smiles a little. "Double shift," she tells him. "You have no idea how much bone I've had in me over the last few hours." Or, you know, something along those lines. Donovan announces that they've got to go. Jada reminds him that they've got a meeting with Malloy later. "Nice meeting you, Roy," she says. "Yes, ma'am. It's real clean in here," Roy drawls. "Thank you for noticing," Jada sort of chuckles. "Bye, guys," Bambi calls cheerfully.
Malloy Manor. Malloy trudges into the bedroom and switches on SportsCenter. I do respect a man who loves his sports. I don't, however, love a man who ignores a girl in lacy, expensive undergarments, especially when she's his wife. And this is exactly what Malloy does until Janet literally waves a stockinged toe in his face. He appears completely unmoved by her beautiful Cosabella underthings. Whoever is doing the Lingerie Wardrobe on this show has got wonderful taste. "Twenty-four-hour sports. A reason to believe in God," Malloy says. And I agree with that. But, thanks to my personal love of frills and bows, I also think that pretty undies are a reason to believe in God, so I am torn by the dynamics of this scene. Malloy finally looks at Janet. "You're not going to wear that," Malloy announces, glancing at a slinky dress laid out on the bed. Janet whines that it's cute; Malloy snipes that it's revealing. Janet -- who appears to have had a total spinectomy between this episode and last week's episode, which I believe can be explained by the fact that the episodes have been flipped, although that makes it no less irritating -- whimpers that she loves that dress, but Malloy tells her that it's not appropriate for a meeting with "Evangeline Mattington," and tells her to wear the other one. Janet pouts, and he leads her into their gorgeous walk-in closet and directs her to wear a matronly flowered number. "It's very...Hillary," he explains. Irritatingly, Janet just giggles. Is she schizophrenic? She thanks him for "taking [her] political aspirations into account," and he totally lays into her, telling her that this is important, and her attitude isn't helping. And Janet just folds, apologizing profusely. "If we get membership, this is important to us. Gets us contacts that we need. You get into the Daughters of Virginia; we get into the Country Club. It's like an automatic," Malloy grits. Janet sniffles and promises not to let him down. Well, this is a healthy relationship.
Amiel and Jennifer walk down the hallway of a ratty apartment building. Jennifer invites her partner to a barbecue that weekend. "There's a game or something on," she says. Amiel makes noncommittal noises, and Jennifer finally just tells him to take a few weeks off, for Christ's sake, and he yelps at her not to patronize him, and she swears she wasn't, and you know what? I totally buy these two as partners. They have a good working chemistry.
Jennifer and Amiel eventually arrive at Carla Timmons's apartment, which is a total shithole. She's still as greasy- and morose-looking as can be. The baby wails in the background. Carla peeks out at the agents through a crack in the door, and wonders if they can do this later. Jennifer and Amiel are basically like, "Let us the fuck inside."
Inside the apartment, Amiel sits across from Carla and suggests that she do something to quiet her child, like, for example, feed it. "I need to ration things out," Carla whines. Amiel finds it hard to believe that she's rationing her baby's food, and he starts to get all in her grill about it, but Jennifer jumps in and suggests that she hold the kid for a while. Which she does, juggling the poor thing up and down and surreptitiously looking at an ugly bruise on the baby's ribcage. For his part, Amiel does not handle his line of questioning very well, asking Carla roughly and insensitively about her sexual relationship with Judge UglyNuts and getting shirty when Carla tells him that she and the judge used condoms. "It makes the case tougher when you're a collaborator in the sex," he snaps. Jennifer makes this "oh no, he di-in't" face, and Carla roughly orders them to get the hell out of her apartment, noting angrily that she doesn't appreciate being treated like a whore. Well, that went well.
So, out they go. In the hallway, Amiel yelps that the judge isn't the criminal in this situation, because Carla's letting the kid fester in there. Well, Amiel, he did make her sleep with him to get the baby back. I think they're both criminals. Jennifer makes a series of comforting sounds, and then Amiel just loses it, punching the wall, like, nine times and yelling that he's going to call Child Protective Services. "Okay. Okay, Amiel. We'll deal with it," Jennifer says calmly. "Okay, Jennifer. Deal with it!" Amiel squeals, and storms off like an eighth-grade girl.
Roy and Janet arrive at the Country Club -- Janet in her Hillary Clinton outfit, and Roy totting a lithograph of some sort. Janet meets up with the aforementioned Evangeline, who purrs that she loves the painting. "Your boy can put it back there with the other lithos," Evangeline says. "Go ahead, Roy," Janet smiles. "Yes ma'am. But then I gots to go make water, Miss Daisy," Roy drawls. No one is amused. He trots off, and Evangeline tells Janet that her application is at the committee desk, and Janet burbles about how excited she is about the club, and how Malloy's been talking about it non-stop for two years, since they got married. Evangeline tells Janet that it's going to be tough getting approved. "Most people don't get in the first time out, right," Janet says, tightly. "I keep reading about Jacob in the papers," Evangeline comments. Janet flutters her lashes. "Jonah. And the papers love to sensationalize things," she says. Evangeline twitters that sensational is good. The club likes sensational people! Sensational white Christian heterosexual people, anyway. "I saw his photo. He doesn't look very Irish. He looks more...Polish," Evangeline adds.
FBI. Lisa's in her office with Joseph The DA, Amiel, and Jennifer. Looks like Carla's not going to help them out, what with Amiel calling her a dirty whore and all. Jennifer doesn't think they're going to be able to flip any of those women. Joseph says that if no one is willing to testify, they can only get Judge NastyAss if he confesses. "Yeah, he can do that right after O.J. does," sniffs Amiel. Lisa shoots him the Look of Death. Joseph wonders if they can send someone undercover. Jennifer is willing, but Lisa points out that she's too recognizable in the court system. "What about the newbie?" Amiel asks, and Lisa scoffs that Paige is way too green. And those are the only two women in the entire FBI, apparently. Amiel points out that Paige went to West Point. Which is, I guess, why Jennifer was calling her "West Point" last week. "She's led troops. It doesn't matter that she's only a GS10. She's paid to do this," Amiel snaps. Lisa grinds her teeth and says nothing. Joseph wonders if they can talk the FBI into lending them some other woman. "The Bureau won't spend money to put toner in the copy machine," Lisa tells him. Joseph counters that Judge GrossMeOut is about to step down to join "a conservative think tank," and that this is their last chance to nail him. So to speak. "Lisa, come on," says Joseph. Everyone stares at Lisa for a long moment. "Fine. Let's do it," she finally says. She tells Jennifer to fetch Paige and meet her on the patio in five minutes. Everyone scurries out except Amiel, whom Lisa detains. "You're going home," Lisa tells him. He sputters something, and she tells him not to get insubordinate on her. "Your partner died," she points out wisely, adding that he totally lost his shit at Carla's. "You're taking a few days," Lisa tells him.
Split-screen to Malloy and Janet. "She said that I didn't look Irish?" Malloy yelps. Janet nods tearily. Janet, get a grip. "But I do look Polish. Polish, I could pass for. You know what she said. You know what she sad without actually saying it, right?" Malloy asks. Janet chirps that she does, and says she explained it all: "I told her that your mom wasn't Jewish, and that when your dad left, she went back to her maiden name." Malloy isn't really thrilled that Janet is outlining his background to the whole world. "I had to stand up for you," Janet snivels. Malloy snaps at her not to make excuses for him: "Do you understand the damage you've caused?" Janet just crumples, apologizing and crying that no one gets into the country club on the first try. "It's one of their snobby rules and they're a bunch of snobs. I don't even know why we want to be involved with them," she whimpers. I get that he's basically emotionally abusing her and all, but seeing this Spineless Wimpy Janet -- after last week's Sassy Albeit Tragically Barren Janet -- is very irritating. Not to mention poor characterization. "Because they are a bunch of snobs, that's why," Malloy screams at her. In a moment, he sits and apologizes. "I just feel that nobody messes with my family and my heritage and my business. Look at me. You understand that?" he asks, and Janet snuffles that she does. "Did you like that last night?" he asks. Oh, a world of ew. She sniffs that she did. Please stop talking about this. Malloy kisses Janet's forehead. "I love you," she squeaks. "Okay. This is important to me, okay?" Malloy asks. She knows. And she's sorry. And downtrodden. And spineless. And childless.
Patio of Smoking. Lisa tells Paige, without preamble, that she's got her first undercover assignment, and gives her the bullet, saying that Judge DoggyStyle accepts sex in exchange for ruling in favor of young, attractive, female defendants. "We want you to be one of these women," she says. Paige nods. "Let's do it," she says. Lisa explains that Jennifer's going to be training her for the near future. Jennifer and Paige then trot off to go over the case file, and Lisa looks sadly at the view and longs for a kamikaze shot.
The Mob's Favorite Bar. Jada and Malloy are talking about the House of Whores: revenue is down 13%. Malloy finds this strange, given that the world's oldest profession rarely loses money. Jada explains that it does when you've got streetwalkers undercutting you. Sing it, sister. I mean -- never mind. Blair -- whom I've only just noticed is even in this scene -- pipes up to say that he finds it hard to believe that anyone would go to a "street skank" when Malloy's whores are all clean and pretty. Jada points out that the streetwalkers are from half to 75% off. And no one can resist that kind of deal! "Do these people really think they can parade all over our territory and get away with it?" Malloy wonders. Jada shrugs. "Maybe Slater figures he can expand out of downtown," she offers. Malloy says that he doesn't know Slater, but Jada exposits that he's a pimp from downtown. Um, yeah. We got that from the whole part where he's got all these whores, and that he's expanding from downtown. Donovan pipes up that he'd be totally happy to whack the guy. Malloy thinks that, "with the dead Fed," now is not the time for whacking anything. Blair announces that he'll take care of it.
Roy and Lisa confab in the woods. He tells her about Leon, mentioning that Malloy had poor Leon's finger chopped off. He wonders if they can flip him. Lisa totally doesn't care about Leon, and just asks Roy whether Malloy's ever mentioned Judge JerkOff. He hasn't. So Lisa has no use for him. "How's the new girl doing?" Roy asks with a grin. "Bye, Roy," Lisa announces.
Over to the courthouse, where Todd is playing lawyer and Paige is all tarted up as the defendant. Long story short: Todd wants the court to keep Paige's baby in foster care, and Paige wants her baby back. She mentions that her husband is currently in the joint, and that although she used to be a crack whore (no, literally), she's on the straight and narrow now. Her whore-y hair notwithstanding. Although I think that's a Diane Von Furstenberg wrap dress, so she's got to be doing something to score enough bread to drop a hundred and fifty bucks on a day dress. But whatever. Todd tells Judge Skeezeathon that Paige is still smoking the rock, and the Judge nods and asks whether both parties "submit on the evidence." Paige and Todd share a barely perceptible glance, and after a moment of hesitation, Todd announces that the state submits. Paige twitters that she also submits. I'll just bet she does.
Paige skitters out of the judge's chambers and toward the hallway, when she's called back by the court clerk, who'd like to speak to her for a moment.
Meanwhile, across town, Blair talks to some dude on the streets. "Friggin' Slater," the dude sighs. Blair wonders how dumb Slater really is. Wouldn't it be awesome if Slater The Pimp was actually A.C. Slater of Saved By the Bell? The dude wonders if Blair's willing to "up the ante on payment." And the payment is in whores. WHORES! "Too bad Jada's not on the job anymore," he kind of leers. Blair advises the dude -- whose name, it turns out, is Kirk -- to cut out that kind of talk or Donovan is going to knock his block off. "You have Slater there tomorrow night, ten o'clock," Blair orders. Kirk promises him that this will be no problem. And for an extra 10%, he'll kick in Zach and Screech, too.
Remember that diner where Roy and Bambi had breakfast last week? Paige joins Jennifer and Todd there to go over their little undercover extravaganza. "You did a good job, making me out like an Manson girl in there," she tells Todd. "Almost had me convinced you were a lawyer." Todd takes a thoughtful bite of his lunch. "I am. Cornell Law," he tells her calmly. Ha! Take it, Paige. "I just get more impressive by the minute, don't I?" Todd asks. And let me just say that yes, you do, Todd. Now, take off your shirt. Paige doesn't respond to this, but just tells Jennifer and Todd that the court clerk set up an appointment for her with the good Judge. They're going to be meeting at a local No Tell Motel. "We're going to nail him," she announces. Well, yes, Paige. That's kind of the point. You are going to have to nail him.
Country Club. Evangeline sits in the lobby, looking at her nails. Malloy comes in and sits right across from her, very close. He opens with some pleasantries, but Evangeline will have none of it and wants to know what she can do for him. Well, Evangeline, you can start by wiping off that ice-blue eye shadow. "Well, you're clearly a to-the-point woman," Malloy says. "I'd like my wife to join your organization." At this, Evangeline starts to hem and haw, and Malloy cuts her off to mention that he knows the newspaper is doing a big old profile on her, because he's dear old friends with the style editor. Because nobody's a meaner Known Associate than the style editor. Which is actually probably true. God, I can't wait until they do a show on the gay Mafia. Can I recap that? ["You'll have to get in line behind me. And the eight thousand gay dudes on the TWoP payroll." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Malloy says he's being interviewed for the piece, "being a community leader and all." Evangeline is all, "And your point is?" Malloy says that he wanted to be prepared for the interview, so he researched Evangeline. "I had no idea, Mrs. Maddington, that your great-grandmother was black," he announces, conversationally. This, naturally, stops the President of the Daughters of Virginia right in her tracks. She recovers quickly and chuckles. "Oh, Mr. Malloy, you have the wrong Evangeline Maddington," she twitters. Malloy doesn't think so, but he tells her that he thinks it's wonderful. "I just wonder how she fooled them. Was she an elight? A high yellow? A quadroon? An octoroon?" Evangeline looks around nervously as the camera comes into a tight close-up on Malloy. This scene is nicely directed. "Your husband doesn't know," he states. "Know? What?" Evangeline blathers. Malloy puts his hand on Evangeline's knee. "Because of my own heritage, I empathize with your pain. Being pre-judged. Such an injustice. But here's the deal: one can only imagine the reaction when the others learn that Miss Evangeline has a taint of the tarbrush in her." At this, Evangeline looks resigned, although she puts up a bit of a fight, telling Malloy that this is "a very silly threat," and not truthful, to boot. "The truth is what ends up in print," Malloy points out. Evangeline stammers that if it ends up in print, she will sue. "Not before half the town believes that Negro blood flows through you. And you know how tough it is to unring a bell," Malloy announces, standing, and placing a hand on her shoulder. "Well. It would be just a delight for Janet to hear the good news from you herself this evening. She wants to buy a new dress for the dinner." Evangeline looks up at him. "You don't scare me," she says. Malloy pats her softly. "Oh, thank God," he says. They stare at each other for a long beat, before he nods and walks off. Evangeline, defeated, just narrows her eyes. That scene was well done. Country Club blackmail, I can buy from David Paymer. Certainly more than I can buy, you know, chopping off people's fingers or dropping them into the drink.
Across town, the Pimp A.C. Slater is roughing up one of his whores when Kirk speeds up in his patrol car and starts beating the shit out of him. Kirk is a cop! I didn't really see that coming, I must admit.
Over at the FBI, Lisa explains to Paige how the whole Fucking The Judge thing is going to go down without Paige's actually having to...you know, fuck him. They've got the motel room wired, and they'll be right door. Paige nervously swears that she'll be okay. Jennifer reminds her that if she needs rescuing, she just needs to use a sentence with the word "mother-in-law" in it, and they'll bust in. "Like, 'My mother-in-law would die if she knew what I was doing,'" Paige simpers, and Lisa gives her a dirty, dirty look. "This is not a training exercise at Quantico, Van Doren. This is the real deal," she tells her. Paige wipes her smile off and agrees, apologizing. Todd looks worried in the background as Lisa announces that she really doesn't think Paige is ready for this. "Ma'am, I'm okay. I'm fine," Paige hastens to announce. Lisa fixes her with a long, long look, and then glances over to Jennifer and finally agrees. Jennifer tells Paige that when they've gotten enough dirt to convict, they'll call her cell phone, and everyone will come busting in. Paige nods and agrees that she'll hit the ground. Lisa is still looking at her. "Those your husband's dog-tags?" she asks. "Yes. Ma'am," Paige says. "Take 'em off," Lisa orders, and Paige's face falls. Oh, Paige, come on. You can't wear some strange dude's dog-tags when you're supposed to be married to a totally different guy in the joint. "And the West Point ring as well," Jennifer says. Lisa looks very unsure about this entire thing, but she finally gives Paige an encouraging little nod when the younger woman twists off her ring. "You good?" she asks. "Yeah," Paige says.
No Tell Motel. Paige, in a black tank top and Seven jeans, lets the Judge inside. How would a crack whore afford Seven jeans? Whoever is in charge of Undercover Wardrobe at the FBI is really dropping the ball. Judge McSkeeze announces that his wife thinks he's on a long run, so he doesn't have too much time. Paige lies that that's too bad. Judge CreepNuts promises her that he'll still be able to "work up a good sweat." Ew. Paige forces a smile and says that she doesn't really know what she's supposed to do. Except, Paige? Your backstory is that you're a former WHORE. So I think you do. And so does Judge AssWad, who pats the bed, telling her not to be so shy. She sits down, and he leans over and sniffs her. "You smell really nice," he says. And Paige leaps back up, telling him that she wants to go slow. "This is slow," says Judge GrossPants, asking if Paige brought condoms. She didn't, but he's okay with this, telling that he's been "fixed." And then he compliments her "lean, athletic bod." Oh, ew. He just can't believe her husband would leave her. She corrects him, saying that he only left because he had to go to the Big House. And she just wants her kid back. She's not even on heroin anymore! "What do I need to do get him back?" she asks. "You need to take off your shirt and show me your tits," says Judge YouKissYourMotherWithThatMouth?. "You know what? We're gonna have a great time. We are. I just need to know that you. And me. Have an understanding. You know what I mean," Paige stammers. The Judge agrees, but says that she needs to know that she's got to take her shirt off and show him her boobies, and also that she's not wearing a wire. Paige plays dumb, but Judge Disgusting points out that she doesn't have any needle tracks, anywhere. Paige rushes to assure him that she's "cool." And she takes off her shirt to reveal a very pricey bra. La Perla: The choice of drug-addicted prostitutes everywhere. She goes for the clasp, but he stops her. "Sit down and let me do that," he says. Yet again: ew. Paige takes a seat on the bed between his legs. He starts kissing her neck. "You taste so good," he murmurs. Paige and I both make horrified faces. "Do you want me inside you?" he asks. I never thought I'd say this, but poor Paige. "Tell me you want me inside you," Judge Nausea whispers. Paige finally forces out that she wants him inside her. I may never be able to have sex again. "Yes. You do," the Judge says. He's, like, eating her neck. He whispers that he can do things to her that her husband never did. Paige's face crumples at the mention of Poor Dead Mr. Van Doren. "What's the matter, baby?" he whispers in her ear, and Paige says she's just upset about her kid. "Don't worry. You and Benny will be together real soon," says Judge IHaveIssuesWithProfessionalBoundaries. "Because we're lovers, right?" Paige says. "I take care of my lovers," he responds. I just can't hear the word "lovers" without thinking of that old Rachael Dratch/Will Ferrell sketch on Saturday Night Live. Somehow, I don't think that's what the writers were going for here.
Cut to the room, where Todd and Lisa are watching all the neck-eating on a monitor. Todd really wants to bust in there, before Paige has to see this dude naked. DA Joseph wants to wait. In the motel room, Paige repeats that she wants the Judge to give her little fictional Benny. Judge Eww just cups Paige's breasts and tells her to lie on her stomach so that he can take her from behind. He fondles her, roughly. What channel is this, again? At long last, Paige's cell phone rings. And Paige says, "Okay, stop," and whacks Judge WatchOutBecauseYourNutsAreNext in the jugular as Todd bursts in with a gun. They look at each other for a long beat, before Paige puts on her shirt.
After the ads, Paige waits downstairs at the motel, looking at her hands. Jennifer comes down the stairs and pats her, telling her that she did a good job. Joseph the DA, right behind Jennifer, repeats the praise. Jennifer hands Paige her Poor Dead Husband's dog-tags.
Out on the streets, Blair is talking to Pimp Slater, who's all trussed up. Blair announces that Slater can have Officer Kirk take him either to jail, or to the emergency room. "Either way, your whores are done walking the fan," Blair says. Slater yelps that he has a right to be in the fan. Blair is all, "Whatever." Death is not an option: jail or the ICU. At this, Slater offers to "keep [his] girls downtown." "Billy, Don't Be A Hero," the soundtrack advises. "You'll do that anyway," Blair says, and then announces that he has to punish him no matter what. "Feeds my boss's sense of self-righteousness. So, what's it gonna be?" he asks. Slater spits that Malloy is doing exactly what Slater is, just with cleaner sheets: "We're the same." Blair points out that the Malloy House of Whores pays the girls a nice salary, while Slater's Streetwalkers have to give him all their cash. "That makes them slaves," Blair says. Oh, so this is an ethical debate? "And you, a slaveowner," Blair finishes, explaining that this is why he's treating him like scum. Not because he's taking 13% of Malloy's dough. Slater shakes his head. "Maybe. But at least I'm my own man, Blair. At least I ain't no slave myself. Can you say that?" Oh, burn. Kirk and Blair exchange glances. And Blair tells Kirk to send the good whoremaster to the hospital, and Kirk and his partner start kicking the shit out of the guy.
FBI HQ. Lisa's leaving the office, walking right past Paige, who is staying late to finish up some work. Lisa warns her not to stay too late, and says she'll see her tomorrow. Paige then announces that the Judge was the first man since Poor Mr. Van Doren to touch her like that. Lisa makes this hilarious "oh dear God, why are you telling me this?" expression. "Well, you did a good job today. See you tomorrow," she says shortly, and walks off. Hee. I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh at Poor Bereaved And Vulnerable Paige. It's just that...you know, I don't really like her. Lisa stops, briefly, at the door, as if to turn back, but then goes ahead. Paige, it's called Too Much Information. And it's something you need to tell a therapist, not your boss.
Malloy's House of Whores. Roy waits in the living room. Jada comes in and laughs that he doesn't get a discount. He assures her that he doesn't want sex; he's just there to see Bambi. Who, on cue, emerges from one of the bedrooms in a barely closed robe. She kisses her handsome and professional-looking john goodbye, and promises to see him time. It's true: this is a very pleasant-looking whorehouse. Roy waits for them to say goodbye, and then tells Bambi that he came to see her. Bambi's like, "Okay, but I really need to shower." "No, not for that. I just, um, I hadn't had dinner yet," Roy says, and asks if she wants to go to the diner with him. He doesn't know a lot of people in town yet. Bambi looks at the floor and says she doesn't know if that's a good idea. Of course, we saw them having breakfast at the diner just last week, but I really don't think that was supposed to have happened yet. Roy tells her that he just wants to sit across from an honest face. Oh, Roy. You're so cute. And you should know better than to get involved with someone while you're an undercover agent. Bambi tells Roy that she's got a few hours left on her shift, and she really needs the cash. She pushes her hair behind her ears, and he shoots her a toothy grin, joking, "I'm being turned down by a hooker. That's, um, pretty hard on the ego, Bambi." Bambi rolls her eyes. "Whatever, Roy," she says. My, it's certainly going to be angsty when the two of them fall in love. The doorbell rings in the background. "Your ten o'clock," Roy says, but not cruelly. "Somebody's ten o'clock," Bambi sighs. "time, maybe?" Roy asks, and Bambi says, "Maybe," and Roy leaves.
Three episodes, three closing musical montages! I guess there's something to be said for consistency. At the Country Club, the Malloys are chatting in formal wear with Evangeline and her husband.
Lisa sits at the end of a bar and smokes. She looks down the bar at another woman, who's also drinking alone. They share a glance. Some of the people on the boards thought this was some kind of Lesbian Thing, but it seemed to me more like a "hey, here we are, two broads, drinking alone" type thing. But I guess we'll find out soon enough, right?
At her house, Jennifer is stroking her son's hair. She kisses him on his forehead, and he asks her about her day.
Donovan picks his wife up at Malloy's House of Whores, and they head home for the day.
Paige is still typing. She looks away for a moment, and then looks right into the camera. Is that a challenge, missy? Then you better bring it. I brought down Joey Potter. I can bring you down.