Previously on Line of Fire: blah blah blah.
The mean streets of Richmond. Jennifer and Paige speed down the street after a kid on a bike. "Billy!" Jennifer yells at him out the window. "I'm gonna count to three!" Billy keeps pedaling. "One! Two! Three!" Smack! She opens the car door right into his grill, and the kid goes flying into the muck. "Whoa," Paige says. Paige, she knocked him off his bike. She didn't shoot him in the face. "It's all right, I know Billy. You'll like him," Jennifer says, as Paige puts on the brakes and the girls leap out of the car. Luckily, Billy is not hurt so much as he is both muddy and irritated. Jennifer hauls him out of the mud and cuffs him, telling him that the United States of America would like to talk to him about the fact that he's stolen over four hundred cell phones. Billy stammers that he's got something to tell them that they might find more interesting. Drugs. "Coming into Norfolk," he clarifies. Paige and Jennifer exchange glances.
We split-screen to a mime. Yes, I said, "split-screen to a mime." Oh, dear God. It's only Episode Two and they're already trying to kill me. This is, apparently, a child's birthday party. As the kids frolic with the mime, Malloy is inside the cute sort of middle-class split-level house, talking to the kid's dad, who looks like the Poor Man's John Goodman. "Nice house. Really lovely," Malloy says. Tragically, he's here to take it from PMJG, who owes Malloy a whole bunch of money. PMJG isn't thrilled about this development, and offers Malloy something that's worth much more than his house. "Okay, and what would that be?" Malloy asks, like he's asking about the soup of the day. "A shipment of drugs," PMJG says.
Across town, Jennifer and Amiel are in Lisa's office talking about -- guess what? -- this shipment of drugs. Jennifer says she hasn't been able to learn anything, but Amiel tells her that Billy's tip has checked out. "So, you're telling me this three million [dollars] in drugs is for real?" Lisa asks. "It could be, yeah," Amiel says. Lisa thinks about this, and tells Jennifer and Amiel that they can have Paige and Todd and whomever else they need to get this done: "If you got three million dollars in drugs, there's three million dollars in cash waiting to buy it. I want that money. Maybe Washington will let us keep some of it." Amiel is doubtful, telling her that what goes into Washington stays in Washington. I guess that's like "Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." Lisa looks thoughtful and tells him that if they dump seven figures into the bigwigs' laps, they'll probably get some of it redirected their way. She suggests that they use the dealers to lead them to the buyers and, therefore, the money. "I want that money," she announces. I didn't even know the Feds got to keep the drug money they recovered. Where does it go? To pay down the deficit? To drug programs? To the FBI Director's pension plan?
Split-screen to Malloy, who's interrogating PMJG about the self-same drug shipment. "I don't like drugs, [PMJG]," he announces. "Yeah," PMJG says, shiftily. I'd like some drugs right now, thanks, because this is mighty dry. "Drugs are a cancer. Drugs are rotting the underpinning of this country," Malloy speechifies. "A country that I love. What I like even less are drugs going through my city without me getting my cut." PMJG doesn't really have anything to say to this, except to tell Malloy that that they're talking millions, as far as this particular deal goes. "You help get the money and I forgive the loan," Malloy tells him. "Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Malloy," PMJG says. But Malloy wants collateral. And instead of giving him the deed to the house -- which was all he wanted anyway! -- PMJG lets Malloy take his little boy. Yeah, that makes sense. As Malloy escorts little Donnie out to the car, he promises the kid that "this is going to be just like camp." Yeah, crazy camp. "You can call me Uncle Jonah," Malloy continues. Mrs. PMJG looks somewhat perturbed by the fact that her husband just gave a mobster their son. But whatever. It's not like the man is even remotely threatening. He might bore the kid to death, but that's about as bad as it's gonna get for little Donnie there.
Credits! Hey, they're pretty nice. Also, they allow my fingers to rest.
Over at a hole-in-the-wall diner, Roy and Bambi the Whore eat breakfast and chat. Roy asks Bambi the Whore what her plans are for the day. She thoughtfully sucks on a cigarette. "Well, thought I'd do some genome splicing, work on my thesis on Iranian religious literature, and then tan. Oh, wait. I'm a whore. Guess I'll just lie on my back and get screwed by married men all day," she tells him. "At least you get paid to get screwed," Roy reflects, before wondering if there's any place Bambi doesn't smoke. "Shower," she says. At this, a dark-haired woman comes in and Roy totally gives her the eye. Bambi snorts. "That your type, Roy? All boobs and dyed hair and no brains?" Roy just gives her a skeptical eye and wonders how Bambi can tell she has no brains. "Just a hunch," Bambi says, around her cigarette. Roy pontificates that he wants a woman who wants kids and doesn't lie, and can be herself, and with whom he can be himself. Oh, like the exact opposite of what he's doing now as an undercover agent? That's going to smart when he and Bambi fall for each other as they obviously are going to. "And don't forget: wants to end world hunger," Bambi sniffs. "I believe in romance. There's nothing wrong with that," Roy says. Bambi shoots him a quick smile. Roy's cell phone buzzes. "Okay. Right now?" he asks. He hangs up and drops a twenty on the table. "Time to get screwed?" Bambi asks. He smiles and makes noncommittal noises. "Thanks for breakfast," she calls after him.
Speaking of whores, Malloy has decided to let his stable of hookers watch Little Donnie at the Malloy Whorehouse. "What kinda camp is this?" Donnie asks, looking wide-eyed at all the women in lingerie lolling around. An attractive woman who is actually wearing clothes over her La Perla introduces herself as Jada, and listens as Malloy's Flunky Whose Name I Think Eventually Turns Out To Be Larry explains that she's going to watch Donnie until Malloy gets back. "When?" Donnie asks. "Later," Larry says. "When will my dad pick me up?" Donnie calls. "Later," Larry says, and books. Jada smiles down at Donnie and takes his hand, telling him that she has a little boy herself. "I want my dad," Donnie tells her. "I know," Jada says. Listen, I think the whole whorehouse angle here is pretty interesting. In fact, I think a show about a whorehouse -- maybe on HBO -- might be quite interesting. It would certainly be more interesting than all this bureaucratic hoo-ha intercut with the Machinations of the Dullest Mob Boss in the World.
Over on the docks, the Feds mill around and wear flannel shirts and pretend to be dock workers. Won't the regular dock workers wonder who these new and clearly unskilled guys are? At any rate, Amiel and Todd are keeping a close watch on a man they're calling "the spotter," whom Amiel claims has "been casing the pier since we got here."
Across the docks, Roy and Donovan are shoving PMJG into a trailer, where they get a call from -- guess who? -- The Spotter. He tells PMJG that the money is going to be at "the pumping station" in an hour. PMJG hangs up and passes the word along to Donovan and Roy. Snore. I had no idea there would be so many unattractive dock workers involved when I signed up for this gig.
Anyway, back at the whorehouse, the hookers are teaching blackjack to a much more cheerful Donnie. Janet Malloy bustles inside, chatting about wallpaper for the upstairs bathroom and is simply appalled -- appalled! -- to find a child in her whorehouse. And decides she's taking him out of this den of iniquity and off to the park for some wholesome entertainment. Jada makes some nervous noises about how Mr. Malloy left specific instructions about the child's care, but Janet brushes her off: "Jada, you worry about the business, I will worry about my husband, okay?" She grabs Donnie by the hand and drags him out the door. "Okaaaaaay," Jada says.
Back to the dock! Paige and Jennifer are loitering in an abandoned building of some sort, observing the men on the ground with some kind of surveillance equipment. Paige notes that said equipment is rather out of date; Jennifer notes that the Richmond field office is poor. This is so we understand why Lisa wants the drug money so damn bad.
Down on the dock, Todd bumps into The Spotter. I can't tell if this is on purpose, or accidentally, but at any rate, they begin to scuffle. When she sees that The Spotter has pulled a switchblade, Jennifer gets on her ear piece and tells Amiel to go rescue Todd. Amiel strides over and breaks up the fight, looking remarkably unconcerned. The lovely and adorable Todd -- whom I have quickly grown to like more than anyone else on this show -- walks off without any holes in his gut. The Spotter, in turn, walks off looking cranky. Amiel turns to Todd and fake-fires him for fighting, and then turns to the rest of the men. "Let's go, ladies, back to work," he says. Seriously, wouldn't the rest of the dock workers be all, "You're not my boss, dude. No, seriously. Who are you?" I mean, doesn't it take longer to establish any kind of undercover-type hoo-ha?
Whatever. While this is happening, Roy just conveniently happens to be hanging around the other end of the dock and, while watching The Spotter cross the docks to hand something to PMJG, just happens to see Amiel kicking it with the dock workers across the way. Roy makes a series of confused faces before he, Donovan, and PMJG get into their car and speed off. I don't even really know what's going on here, but it seems like it would take a big effort for me to really figure it out.
Over to Malloy Manor. Donovan and Roy are hanging out with the boss. Not Springsteen. Malloy. Donovan tells Malloy that PMJG wants to see his kid. "He sees his kid when I see my money," Malloy says, delicately sniffing a Tupperware container of potato salad. There's this whole business where he makes Donovan and Roy sniff it, too, and finally the salad is judged for human consumption. I hope this is leading to a botulism C-story. Phone! It's Larry, calling from a pay phone outside a cheap motel, telling Malloy that they've got the guys with the money for the drugs. What to do? Donovan and Roy have a little spat about the best way to steal the cash, but Roy eventually wins, suggesting that they confront the buyers en route to the deal, where they're most vulnerable. Malloy agrees with this plan, which clearly irks Donovan. "Now listen," he says. "I want a message sent. You make it clear that I own this town. There are rules and there are penalties for violating those rules. Abide by the former or you pay the latter. Make them understand it." Whatever. I'd point out that he's standing in front of a framed American flag, and the stars and stripes and Paymer's big head are the only things in this shot, but the anvil that crushed my skull has made it painful to articulate such things. "Okay," Malloy says. "That's that with that." Oh, just shut it, old man.
At the hotel...well, basically, we get to see exactly what Roy just outlined. He said it, we see it. The guys with the cash -- whom Larry identifies only as "The Black Guys," which may be because the guys with the cash are African-American, but I suppose they could also be named, I don't know, Frank and Martin Black or something -- get ambushed on the road. Basically, Roy and the rest of Malloy's thugs steal the cash, and Donovan beats the shit of Frank and Martin to remind them who, you know, this town belongs to and all that crap. He clearly has some rage issues. Roy, the only one with a clear head, tells the Black Brothers (yeah, I've decided that's their surname. What the hell!) that they're going to have to pay Malloy 25% of their take on all future deals. "The penalty for not paying this time is one hundred percent," he says. Seriously, I'm beginning to think that Malloy isn't nearly as hot shit as he seems to think he is. No one -- no one! -- has heard of him. Not the beleaguered Brothers Black, not Crazy Jazz. No one. Poor Malloy. A C-list mobster, laboring in obscurity. I can't wait until the Black Brothers call Crazy Jazz in from Indiana or wherever he is and they join forces to go batshit on his geriatric ass. Donovan decides to indulge in some more fisticuffs, telling Frank Black that "everything [he] see[s] belongs to Mr. Malloy." Along with everything he doesn't see. Roy is all, "Dude, seriously, chill out with the beatings." I don't understand why Donovan is all Crazy McBeatdown today when he was all Crying McLadyMan when Roy plugged Crazy Jazz. It's poor continuity, as far as characterization goes. At any rate, Roy eventually manages to hustle Donovan and his uncontrollable rage into the car, and everyone drives off.
Split-screen to Lisa's office for a total throw away scene in which she's told that the drugs are almost at the dock, and she leaps up.
Over to the dock; the Drug Boat pulls up and the Feds come swarming out, arresting the sailors and grabbing the drugs. This scene isn't very well choreographed. Unless the raid was supposed to look like a total clusterfuck. Anyway, after about one second of total confusion and disaster, all the sailors are totally subdued and ready for Lisa's Big Important Speech. Basically, she tells the sailors that they are all in Big, Big Trouble. (Her femullet, by the way, looks much better. Thank God. Because I couldn't look at that for another episode.) Mid-You Are Totally Screwed, Guys speech, Jennifer sneaks up and tells her boss that they've got a problem. Because what they've recovered isn't heroin. It's baking soda. Lisa shoves her sunglasses back on and looks incredibly peeved.
Meanwhile, at some sleazy bar somewhere, Malloy counts their haul and hands Donovan a big wad of cash, telling him to give bonuses to the rest of the men. He then gives Roy two grand for his troubles and tells him he earned it. Donovan makes cranky faces about the amount of money he's been given for the bonuses, but Roy is happy to be solvent again. "Yeah, like he said, you earned it," Donovan brats. Oh, shut it, Donovan.
Is it a bad sign that I'm, like, two-thirds of the way into my second recap of this show ever and I already want to quit? Thought so. Anyway, we split-screen to the FeeBees. Jennifer and Amiel are talking to Lisa about the big Baking Soda As Heroin double-cross. "So, someone's out there with three million bucks waiting for the phone call they're never gonna get?" Lisa asks, irritably. On cue, her phone rings. "I gotta go," she says, assigning them some busy work before stalking out...
...to meet Roy in the storage unit door to Sydney and Vaughn's. After exchanging pleasantries, he wonders what the Feds are doing at the pier, and she's like, "What are you doing at the pier?" and he tells her, and she tells him that there are no drugs because it's all a scam. "Malloy's not the buyer, is he?" she finishes. "No, but he's got the money," Roy says. "How?" Lisa spits. "We ripped it off?" Roy offers, sounding a little scared. "When you say 'we,' you mean 'you,'" Lisa translates. "I had to!" Roy defends himself. Man, Lisa is steamed. "I want that money," she snaps. "I had this thing nailed down! That money belongs to the Bureau!" Roy is all, "What on earth are you referring to, Willis?" Lisa yelps that she doesn't want Malloy to keep her $3 million. "What do you want me to do, steal it back?" Roy asks. Lisa thinks about this for about half a second. "Yeah," she tells him. "You stole it. Steal it back. Understood?" Roy looks at her like she's grown another head, but finally agrees. "Good," Lisa says and stomps off.
Malloy Manor. Janet and Donnie are very busy balancing spoons on their noses. Enter Malloy, looking like nothing so much as an IRS agent with acid reflux. "What's he doing here?" he asks, nodding at Donnie. Janet sputters that she needs to talk to him. Something in this actress's delivery reminds me of Sheryl Lee's work in Kingpin, except that show was more entertaining, and also featured voodoo.
Janet and Malloy head over to the conservatory (or wherever), where she tells him that the whorehouse was a totally inappropriate place to hide a child. Malloy crankily tells her not to interfere with his work. Janet sobbily yells that there are lines she will not cross, and this is one of them! "You cannot involve children!" she squeals. Malloy tells her to calm the hell down. "No, I will not calm down. You do not involve children. You know, you think that just because you don't want kids, you can treat them like they don't even count," Janet sobs, and storms into the house. Malloy makes a put-upon face. And now we know that Janet wants kids and Malloy doesn't and blah blah blah, what do I care if they spawn or not?
Elsewhere, Thug #1 and Thug #2 are heading off to cold storage to hide the money. Roy comes by, allegedly looking to score a drink, but really to place a tracer on the Thugs' car.
Malloy Manor. Poor Sad Childless, Empty Janet and Donnie nap on the sofa. Malloy crabbily demands that Janet come to bed, but she tells him she wants to stay with Donnie. The head of a crime family doesn't have a guest room? Okay. "He goes home tomorrow," Malloy says petulantly, and stomps off. Tragic, Barren Janet stares down at the kid.
Warehouse. Roy. Lisa. He tells her he put a tracer on the Ill-Fated Car of Malloy's Thugs; she'll be able to find the money real easy. "Good. You have the transponder number?" Lisa asks, reaching for it. Roy pulls the paper containing this information away from her. "You want the money? Okay, fine. But you're going to be signing the death warrant of the two guys who stashed it," he says. "Malloy finds out the Feds have the money and he will kill them." This doesn't bother Lisa so much, frankly. Roy pleads with her to find another way. "Those guys took their chances when they took this job," Lisa points out. Roy can't believe how cold she is. She's cold as ice. She's willing to sacrifice their love. "Give me the number. Give me the number!" Lisa demands. Roy tells her that he's just asking her to try to protect these guys, and Lisa sort of nods and he gives her the number, and she thanks him. "Try to get some sleep. You look like hell," she tells him, touching his face briefly before stomping off. Roy just looks all kinds of conflicted.
Malloy's Childless Manor of Pain. Tragic Janet, Who Will Never, Never Live to Her Full Potential As A Woman, is making chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, but she doesn't know how to make them, sprinkling the chips on top of the pancakes rather than mixing them into the batter. Thank God she's childless, with pancakes like that. Donnie, unfazed by Janet's sad attempts to be maternal, just wants to know when his dad is coming to pick him up. "He's not. I'm going to drop you off. Won't that be fun?" Malloy asks, stumbling into the room like a streetcar conductor with a bum knee. "Can't she take me?" Donnie asks, looking at Lonely Janet, Who Has Wasted The Rich Fullness of Her Womb. Malloy refuses, as Roy comes shuffling into the kitchen. Poor Sad Janet, Whose Womb Is Barren And Raw And Hence, She Is Unfulfilled As A Woman And Will Never Be Truly Happy, offers to make Roy some pancakes, but everyone refuses her maternal flapjacks of love. Finally, Donnie and Malloy head off. Sad Sad Janet And Her Wasted Ovaries kneels down for a hug from Donnie, but is denied an embrace and has to settle for a wave.
Over at the FBI, Lisa and Amiel talk about how it's going to be impossible to get the drug money back without screwing Roy over. "What if we have someone else steal it for us?" Lisa asks.
Across the building, Paige -- and, seriously, how grateful am I that Paige has had, like, two lines in this episode? -- and Todd are trying to track down The Spotter, with no luck. They report this to Amiel, who is less than impressed by the tactics they're using to find him. "This is FBI 101, guys," he says snippily, and stomps off. Paige looks crestfallen. That's right, Paige. Suck it!
In another part of town, Roy drops Donnie off at home as Malloy watches from the back seat. PMJG embraces Donnie on the lawn, as Mrs. PMJG just cries into her hands. Man, I would divorce this guy right off the bat. Running drugs, giving up his kid to mobsters? Not good marriage material. Malloy watches this for a moment and sniffs that he's been impressed with Roy's work thus far and he's got a big job for him: he needs him to whack PMJG. "You want me to kill the kid's father?" Roy asks. "He's got a mother," Malloy says with the chilling precision of a nursery school teaching instructing her class not to eat the Elmer's glue. Roy makes a slightly alarmed face. "Roy. Do it. Today," Malloy says. Roy just blinks.
Cut to an anonymous hotel room, where The Spotter packs a bag in peace. The peace lasts for about two seconds, when Amiel and his cronies burst in. Amiel announces dramatically that this is The Spotter's chance to save his ass.
FBI HQ. Lisa tells The Spotter that they want him to lead them to the drug money. And if he does, they won't arrest him. The Spotter points out that they've got nothing on him. Amiel waves his phone records at him. The Spotter points out that, for one thing, that's circumstantial. For another, there aren't any drugs. Just baking soda. Lisa tells him that even counterfeit drugs will get you jail time. "It's called zero tolerance," she smarms. The Spotter really doesn't want to do this, still, and there's all this back and forth, and finally Lisa tells him that they're going to tell the Black Brothers that The Spotter stole their money, and that they've falsified bank records to "prove" it. Call me crazy, but isn't that illegal? If I were The Spotter, I would get a lawyer in the room with me that exact moment. Not to mention the fact that this kind of dirty pool makes the Feds look pretty unsympathetic and jackassy, even if the guy is a small-time crook. Who am I supposed to sympathize with, here? I understand that the "good guys" can act like shits, and the "bad guys" can act heroic, but I don't sympathize with a single person on this show. Except Todd. And Roy. And that's just because I want to get into their pants. Anyway, The Spotter finally agrees, and the thing you know, Frank and Martin Black are breaking into cold storage to get their money back. They hop in their car and speed down the road...where they are quickly ambushed, this time by the Feds. Frank and Martin are all, "Dude, not again!" These poor guys will never drive again.
Meanwhile, Roy's driving somewhere with PMJG all trussed up like a turkey in the back seat. Finally, he parks the car on a deserted road, and untrusses PMJG, who is squealing and grunting like a pig. "Shut up from a minute," Roy finally says. He tells PMJG to run, as far as he can, for as long as he can, until he's "in a different state, a different county. A different person." He says that if PMJG ever tries to talk to or see his family, Roy will "slit their throats." And so PMJG runs and runs and runs and runs. Roy looks thoughtful as his cell phone rings.
It's Malloy. "Did you do it?" Roy says he was "just about to." "Well, don't," Malloy says, from the now-empty cold storage locker. He tells Roy to let PMJG go, because his body will only complicate things. So true, with so many men. "The bastards stole the money back," Malloy wheezes. Malloy: fast-acting inhalers. Look into them. Roy plays dumb, as Malloy exposits that he thinks this was an inside job, and that he's not very happy about it. Roy mutters that they'll get the money back. "Yes, we will," Malloy says. "We will track them down. We will make them an example." Of what? Of what a crappy mob boss you are, Malloy? Of how you can't control your men? Of how you're unable to run even the smallest job without monumental fuck-ups?
PMJG is still running away. Roy pulls up in the car to him and orders him to stop. PMJG just keeps sobbing and running. "Calm down, man! I was just seeing if you'd follow orders. Malloy owns you now. Get in the car," Roy makes up, swiftly. PMJG cries some more. Roy looks uncomfortable, and gets out of the car. PMJG sobs on the sidewalk. Roy just looks down at him. Well, that was fun.
Bar of Iniquity. Thugs #1 and #2 sit around and look uncomfortable as Malloy heaves that he needs to know what they know about all the cashola getting stolen. The Thugs swear that they are utterly innocent. Malloy thinks about this, as "Que Sera, Sera" kicks it on the soundtrack. Well, God knows, that's a bad sign. "You know what? I believe you," Malloy finally says. The Thugs look relieved and thank him profusely. "Yeah, I'm sorry about this," Malloy says. "You both get girls tonight. On the house." At this, the Thugs are fully stoked. Malloy tells Larry to call Jada and "arrange for some home delivery." He then takes off, telling the boys that there are no hard feelings. They are so dead.
At FBI HQ, Lisa smokes on the roof, as Jennifer tells her that they're counting the money, and that "the bad guys" are getting debriefed right now. Lisa is very pleased with herself. "You did good, Lisa," Jennifer stokes her boss's ego. "Oh, you know the FBI. We always get our man, right?" Lisa says. I thought that was the Mounties. ["That's goddamn right. Step off Canada, ABC! We have so little!" -- Wing Chun] "Except when we don't," Jennifer points out. Lisa agrees, and walks off.
Two episodes. Two closing-scene montages. In this one, we open with Thug #1 taking off his pants in a bedroom. A whore walks in and locks the door behind her.
Elsewhere, Thug #2 gets in his car and is promptly shot in the head, his brain going everywhere. Nice.
In the hotel room, Thug #2 also gets shot. Wait! Did the whores shoot them? Because if they're hitman whores, that's interesting. That's a show I want to see.
, Larry comes into the Malloy Manor and tells Malloy that Thugs #2 through #2 are history.
Across town, the Feds count their money. Lisa sits in her office and looks happy.
Back at the whorehouse, Bambi sits on a bench and smokes and waits to see her john.
And, finally, on the roof of the FBI, Jennifer stands and pensively looks out at the view. Um. Okay. I guess I'll see y'all week, then.