Dino (a young, hot teenager) and his dad (a suddenly old and frumpy D.B. Sweeney) are having a milk-chugging contest in the kitchen before breakfast. As you do. Dino's mom walks in and scolds him, and then scolds her husband. Lesson learned: Dino's dad is kind of immature. And he has chocolate milk all over his face. Dino's extraneous younger brother cheers the boys on. Mom leaves, and the chugging immediately resumes, so obviously Mom is the bad cop and Dad is the never-a-cop. Dad wins the contest.
Dino, Ben, and Jonathan (hereafter, The Trio) walk to school, and we see my old friend the Space Needle in the background. Dino asks the others if they would rather sleep with Jonathan's mom or Jonathan's dad. Jonathan is upset that he has to pick, obviously not understanding that he should counter with a joke about Dino's mom. I'm not even a teenage boy and I know that. How about "Too bad your mom already slept with both of them!" The boys banter about the choices, and Jonathan still refuses to choose. Ben picks Jonathan's mom. Dino says that Jonathan has to choose, because those are the (completely arbitrary and non-enforceable) rules. Jonathan relents and says that he would obviously pick his mom, because his dad is a guy. Dino and Ben tease Jonathan about how gross it is to have sex with your mom. Jonathan takes it way too seriously. Ben and Dino start teasing Jonathan about his "fat girlfriend Deborah" and Jonathan protests that she's not his girlfriend.
The Trio arrives at school, and is greeted by glimpses of lots of female body parts. Ben voice-overs, "They say boys think about sex every fifteen seconds. I think about it every five seconds." Ben demonstrates what he means as the camera freezes on an assortment of female body parts: a boob here, a butt there. Ben speaks directly into the camera as he asks how you're supposed to go to school when you can only think of sex. He spots another hottie and introduces her as Miss Young, one of his teachers. Subtle name, there. Ben thinks she's too distracting, and never should have been hired.
The Trio pass Miss Young talking to Coach Scott, played by Martin Cummins from Dark Angel. I loved him on that! Jonathan gossips that the janitor saw the coach doing Miss Young in the A/V Room. Ben doesn't believe it. They check in with Dino, who has split off to go make out with his girlfriend, Jackie. Ben reminds us that Dino gets it whenever he wants it. Ben takes off, and Deborah (Kelly Osbourne) walks up as Jonathan gestures to Dino's and Jackie's make-out session, calling them "a couple of monkeys in the zoo." Deborah says saucily that she wouldn't mind and saunters off, as Jonathan chases her.
Jackie opens her locker. Dino hangs out and invites her over to his house, because no one will be home. Jackie agrees, as long as they just fool around and don't take it any further. Dino addresses the camera as everyone else freezes -- a frequent device on this show that I'm going to call freezetalking. Dino freezetalks that he can hook up whenever he wants, but that he wants his first time to be with Jackie. There's the added bonus that she's a virgin and "there's something about being the first guy there." Well, if they're fooling around, I bet he's already been there in some form, if you know what I'm saying. Dino explains that he loves the way that Jackie makes him feel, because she makes him feel important. I would get upset about the objectification of women and the prehistoric attitudes in that speech, but he's a teenaged boy, and I think it's pretty realistic. Jackie unfreezes and kisses Dino.
In the background, Ben tries to hit on a girl on the dance squad, but she totally shuts him down. Down the hallway, Deborah asks Jonathan if they are meeting at the carnival that night. Jonathan confirms that they're just doing yearbook work, and Deborah jokes that she didn't think it was a date or anything. Deborah walks off, and Jonathan freezetalks that he's only been with one girl, and she said he could "do everything but," but that he couldn't find everything. Heh. Lady parts are complicated. So the chick laughed and left him. Jonathan says that Deborah would never laugh at him, but he insists that they're just friends, even though lately Deborah has hinted that she wants more. Jonathan gets flustered and leaves.
Dino and Jackie kiss some more, and he says that he just has to look at her, and she's happy. They reiterate their after-school plans and head to class. What's with all this making out in the halls? When I was a teen, people just made out under the stairs.
After school, Dino and Jackie make out on his bed. Dino keeps trying to make moves, and Jackie keeps stopping him. Dino tries to get Jackie to take her pants off, but she refuses and throws him off, readjusting her clothing. Dino grumps, "You'd better give it up soon, because there's a lot of girls that want to do it with me." Jackie is shocked, and pissed, and walks out. Dino chases after her, then freezeyells, "I'm such an idiot." No, she's the idiot if she goes back to him, because that was a truly shitty thing to say, blue balls be damned. (Blue Balls Be Damned is the name of my third album.)
Auditorium. Ben watches the dance team practice while he pretends to adjust some lights backstage. Miss Young is the dance coach, and Ben catches her eye. The rehearsal ends, and Miss Young asks what he's doing. The other girls leave. Ben makes up some excuse as to why he's still there. Miss Young tells Ben that his "staring is making the girls self-conscious." Ben walks backstage and notices Miss Young changing out of her dance clothes behind a flimsy curtain. He sneaks a peek and sees her in her bra, which she then removes. She turns around to draw the curtain closed, like she wouldn't do that earlier, and sees Ben looking at her. Instead of covering up, like a normal person and rational adult, she stares at him in a challenging way, and he stares at her boobies and then runs off.
The Trio hangs out at Dino's house. Dino takes slap shots at a defenseless Jonathan while Ben strums a guitar. Somehow, the conversation turns to the fact that Jonathan had action figures, which the other guys call "dolls." Dino's mom comes in and offers the Trio a ride to the carnival, which they turn down. Jonathan starts to change his mind, but Dino reminds him that they have "some things to do first," in a way that suggests, "I don't want to go with my parents." Dino's dad catches on, and understands. But Dino's dad thinks that he is way cooler than his parents were. Nice try. The parents get ready to leave, along with extraneous younger brother. Dino's dad tells the boys to come by his rib booth, and then does a goofy song and dance about barbecue. Poor D.B. Sweeney. First we had Tate Donavan playing a dad on The O.C., and now this. It's freaking me out. Although not as much as the other day, when my students had never heard of microfiche. Am I really that old? Don't answer that question.
A nice crane shot leads us to the Carnival. Deborah runs through and giggles that Dino is looking at Jackie, but Jackie claims that she doesn't care. Dino is joined by the rest of the Trio. Jonathan announces that there's beer over by the bingo tent, but Dino doesn't want to drink until hockey season is over. His friends give him shit, but Dino stands strong. Ben asks if Jackie is still freezing Dino out, and Dino says that she is, but that it'll change. Ben says that it always does. Am I supposed to like Jackie? How could a girl who is so firm (dirty!) about her sexual boundaries be so lax with her emotional ones? Dino's plan is to apologize and pretend he doesn't want sex, forcing Jackie to get all horned up and demand sex. Then The Trio refers to their genitalia as "Mini-Me" and "tiny turtles" and that's just unacceptable. I think teenage boys would just say "dick," but maybe that's not allowed in this post-wardrobe malfunction landscape. But seriously. Tiny turtles?
Dino finds Coach Scott, who is the hockey coach, working in a game booth. They tease each other, as jocks do, until Dino's mom uses a megaphone to call Dino to her booth, right door. She demands a hug from her son, which is just gross. Now she's just trying to humiliate him. Coach Scott makes fun of them, as he should, and Dino's dad wanders up with some ribs. Everyone grabs some, but Dino's dad refuses to give up samples to Coach Scott until he promises to give Dino some ice time. He's only partly kidding. Coach Scott hangs out chummily with Dino's mom as Dino's dad heads back to his cooking.
Deborah brings Jonathan a beer and apologizes because "it's really bad and it's really warm, but at least it's wet." Jonathan retorts, "Hey, don't talk that way about yourself." Jonathan! With a comeback! Deborah starts a tickle fight, and they play grab-ass.
Ben drinks a beer and creepily stares at Miss Young, who is working at a book sale booth. What kind of carnival is this, anyway? There are games, and rides, and books? And ribs? And bingo? Miss Young spots Ben watching, and he quickly tries to hide his beer. She just stares. What is wrong with her?
Dino finds Jackie in some sort of slow-dance tent, like why is she hanging out there alone? And why is there a slow-dance tent? Dino walks up and asks if she wants "to dance with a selfish jerk who wants to say he's sorry." Jackie accepts, and they move out onto the floor. Dino starts to apologize. Jackie says that if he wants other girls, he should leave now. Dino says he doesn't. Jackie says that she's not ready, and that she doesn't know when she will be, so he needs to back off. Dino agrees. Jackie can't believe he's agreeing with her. Dino promises to respect that she's not ready. Jackie is touched, and snuggles up close to him for the rest of the song. Ben runs in and interrupts them, urging them to come and see something. Jackie and Dino are kind of like, "Um, we were totally rubbing on each other," but Ben urges them outside, where he leads them to Jonathan and Deborah making out in the bushes. Was Ben walking around the bushes looking for more people to stalk creepily? Dino thinks it looks like "feeding time at a pork farm." Get it? Because Deborah's fat? Do you get it? By the way, Kelly Osbourne? Not fat. Anyway, Jackie tells the guys to shut up, because Deborah deserves a guy. Really! Otherwise, how will she go on living? The guys yell out Jonathan's name, so he knows he's busted.
Dino's alarm goes off at 4:15 AM, which is a bedtime, not a wake-up time. He heads out to the ice rink for some solo hockey practice. I don't know anything about hockey, so I can't tell you if he's any good. Coach Scott shows up and tells Dino to get out, but Dino wants to stay. Coach Scott offers to let Dino stay if he can score on Coach Scott. Dirty! This show is dirty. Dino takes the challenge, and Coach Scott totally schools him. Coach Scott lets Dino stay anyway.
Dino gets back home and heads into the kitchen for breakfast. His dad asks him about his carnival activities. Extraneous Brother tattles that Dino was kissing Jackie, and Dino retorts that Extraneous Brother was eating his boogers. Extraneous Brother whines to their mom, who stays out of it. Dad offers to let Dino take the car today. Dino's mom makes extra-sure to find out what time everyone will be home that night, which is important later. Dad says that he and the boys have to leave at 7:00 to work in his rib booth at the carnival. Dino is embarrassed by his dad, who once again seeks reassurance that he's sort of cool, for a dad, like, get some self-esteem, D.B. Sweeney.
Deborah and Jackie gossip in the bathroom about Jonathan's kissing style. Deborah thinks that, since Jonathan kissed her really hard, he must really like her. Other Friend says that guys just do that to get you to give it up. Deborah adjusts her pigtails, which are so 1999, and insists that Jonathan's not like that. Jackie and Other Friend quiz Deborah on whether Jonathan walked her to her car, and what he said, and if he held her hand. Kelly Osbourne is wearing low-rise jeans about two sizes too small, which makes her stomach hang over the waistband in an unflattering way. I guess since she's not really fat, they're trying to make her look fat, when in reality, any slightly overweight teen would wear jeans that were two sizes too big to hide the real or imagined extra weight. Anyway, Jackie and Other Friend decide that Jonathan is just like other guys. Jackie talks about how great Dino is being with her, and Other Friend scoffs, and advises Deborah to put pressure on Jonathan. Deborah agrees.
Dino and Ben give Jonathan shit for hooking up with Two-Ton Tillie. Jonathan protests that he just did it for the sex, and Ben asks if they really did it. Jonathan says, "Almost," an d the guys know that Jonathan is lying. Deborah spots Jonathan through a window and waves happily. Kelly Osbourne needs to learn to close her mouth in repose, because she looks really dumb. Jonathan rolls his eyes and says that he doesn't need his friends ragging on him. Deborah tries to wave again, and Jonathan ignores her and walks away.
Ben sits in Miss Young's class and doesn't listen to her lecture about Crime and Punishment. Ben freezetalks that he can't know if Miss Young is being nice to him because she has to, or mean to him because she's his teacher, and he wonders if he should make a move. Then he admits that he doesn't have any moves. Ben muses on how much better things will be when he's older, and starts spinning a letter to Penthouse Forum. Miss Young calls on Ben and asks if the punishment for a crime is worse than the angst of trying to avoid punishment. Ben cracks wise, and Miss Young scolds him, but then she sits on a nearby desk and stretches out her legs in front of him, totally flirting. Inappropriate! She brings up underage drinking as an example of a crime that deserves punishment, but the bell rings before she can flirt anymore, so she asks him to stay after class. Miss Young stops Ben and assigns him to detention. Ben sighs and walks out. He could not be any more Pacey. Except he's not nearly as charming as Josh Jackson.
Jackie walks up to Dino in Chemistry lab (get it?) and pushes her boobs into his face while asking what he's doing that night. Dino says he has to help his dad at the carnival. Jackie hints around for a while before finally coming out and asking Dino to come over, since her house will be empty. She grabs Dino's knee and starts rubbing his thigh. Dino freezetalks that he's got to hold out. But he can't. He gets permission to go to the bathroom and walks out of the room all bent over to hide his boner.
Meanwhile, Deborah asks Jonathan if he's going to the carnival. Jonathan tries to turn her attention to the lab, but Deborah sits down and starts rubbing her foot on his leg. Is Jonathan wearing jeans tucked into Uggs? He kind of is a girl. An unstylish girl. Jonathan freezetalks that he has to pretend he doesn't know what Deborah wants. He likes that Deborah is womanly, and has "an ass and boobs you can really grab onto." Jonathan adds that he also hates being laughed at, and then interrupts himself to ask to go to the bathroom, due to boner activity.
Jackie catches up to Dino in the hallway and pulls him outside to tell him that her parents are going out of town, and that she thinks it might be time for them to do it. Dino freezeyells a few times in celebration. Dino asks if she's sure, and Jackie says that she is. Dino is psyched, and they make out.
In gym class, the Trio jogs around the track while Dino celebrates his good fortune. After the obligatory safe sex message, Ben advises Dino to bring Jackie a bottle of wine to seem romantic. Dino likes the idea, and Jonathan offers up his terrible fake ID. Ben thinks it's a better idea for Dino to sneak home and steal a bottle from his parents after school.
Dino does just that, but while he's taking the spare key from its hiding place, he spots his mom having sex with Coach Scott. Oops. Dino, stunned, walks away from his house.
Dino picks up his dad from work. He freezetalks that he needs to breathe, and that there has to be an explanation. Then he freezefreaks that there's no explanation. Dino's dad gets into the car and chatters away while Dino looks like he wants to vomit
Jackie and Other Friend go lingerie shopping. Jackie wonders what Dino will be like after they do it. Other Friend thinks that Dino will tell all his friends and brag about his performance. Jackie isn't worried about that, because at least people won't think she's a tease. Other Friend jokes that they'll call Jackie a slut instead. Jackie says that she could always control Dino by withholding sex, and that she's going to lose that. How scary. Other Friend says that Jackie will now have even more control. As my guy friends in high school used to say: that's the power of the pussy. It makes a man do crazy things. Jackie admits that she's dying to do it, and grabs a matching bra and underwear combo.
Dino drives while his dad babbles on and on about his dreams of owning a restaurant someday. Graham Chase much? Dino freezetalks that his dad has to know what's going on, and in the process, nearly steers them into oncoming traffic. I guess the freezing doesn't work on motor vehicles.
Jonathan and Deborah make excuses to the yearbook advisor about why they didn't get any good photos at the carnival. Deborah comments that they'll have to go back tonight and take more. The yearbook advisor is like, "Whatever." Jonathan freezetalks that Deborah is driving him crazy, and that he's decided that sex is complicated.
Deborah tells Jonathan that they need to talk, and pulls him into the darkroom, where she lambastes him for being a flip-flopper. Jonathan says he doesn't know what he wants. Deborah complains that Jonathan knew what he wanted last night, and that he's not going to keep getting that if she's not his girlfriend. Because teenage girls just want a relationship and teenage guys just want sex. Aren't we past this? Deborah asks if it's because she's fat, and says she knows what people say. She adds that she has feelings, and that fooling around feels good to her too. Jonathan protests that Deborah is prettier than Jackie, and she should know how he feels about her. Deborah whines that Jonathan needs to tell her his decision by tomorrow, because it's not fair. Jonathan stammers a reply. Deborah adds that she doesn't mean just hooking up; she expects him to hold her hand and walk down the hall in front of everyone. Kelly Osbourne needs to stop shaking her pigtails around; it's distracting. Also, very few teenage girls, especially overweight ones, would have the self-confidence to deliver that ultimatum. Jonathan moves in for a kiss, and Deborah ducks it and walks out.
Ben throws rocks at a street sign while he waits for the bus. Miss Young pulls up in her VW Bug and gives Ben shit for destroying public property. She adds that he put her in a bad position, because she's supposed to report students breaking the rules. Ben asks if she reported him. Miss Young says that it hasn't been that long since she was the one sneaking beers. Why doesn't she just wear a shirt that reads "Tell me I'm not old, because I'm in my mid-twenties and I'm starting to realize I'm not in high school anymore!" Yuck. Ben makes jokes, and Miss Young laughs and offers him a ride. Ben freezeyells, "Get in the damn car!" He accepts the ride and hops in, and then watches Miss Young shifting gears. Sexy!
Dino sits in the kitchen and sulkily watches his mom making dinner. When she gets close enough, he reaches over and snaps her bra. Dude, who snaps their mom's bra? Even if she is having an affair with your hockey coach. Dino's mom yells, and Dino says, "I bet you wouldn't care if Coach Scott did it." Dino's mom tries to pretend she doesn't know what he's talking about, and Dino's dad walks in and asks what they're talking about. Dino's mom gives Dino a death stare, and Dino covers for her. Dino's dad says it would be great if Coach Scott let them practice in the afternoon, and Dino snipes, "I think he's busy in the afternoon." Burn! Dino's mom excuses herself, saying that she feels sick and that she'll be skipping the carnival tonight. Dino also makes an excuse to get out of it. Dino's dad says he really needs Dino, and Dino pitches a fit.
The Trio walks through the carnival. The other guys ask what Dino's problem is, and he says there's nothing wrong, although he admits that he forgot to get the wine. Jonathan picks the worst time ever to ask the guys if they'd rather have sex with Ben's mom or Dino's mom. It's not even a good question, because each guy would just pick the other guy's mom. Dino gets all pissed off and runs away. Jonathan spots Deborah and runs the other way.
Dino goes to Jackie's house. Jackie is quite wealthy, or her parents are. Dino stops outside and spots Jackie primping in the mirror. Dino freezecries that he wishes he'd never seen his mom, and that now his parents will break up and his dad will move out, even though it's not his dad's fault. Dino blames his mom for everything. Jackie walks outside and finds Dino sitting on the steps crying. She asks him what's wrong and Dino mumbles an apology and runs away.
Ben stalker-spies on Miss Young. He freezetalks that he doesn't know whether he should make a move on her, but that it's killing him. Ben notices Miss Young slip behind her booth, and joins her. She's lighting up a cigarette, which she quickly drops when he says hello. Ben cracks a joke, and she warms up to him and walks closer. Ben promises that he hasn't told anyone about their "little flashing incident." Miss Young is surprised he didn't tell the rest of the Trio, and says that she trusts him. She walks even closer, all sexy-like. And unprofessional-like. Ben says that he's "pretty good at keeping secrets" and that he likes "knowing things nobody else knows." Miss Young smiles and purrs that it's good to know. Ben asks if he gets extra credit, and Miss Young says she should get back. Ben grabs her arm and asks her to stay for a minute. They lean in for a kiss. Before their lips can touch, a car's headlights illuminate them and they break apart. Miss Young heads back to her booth, but not before a few meaningful looks. I'm so old that I'm just disgusted with her. She should know better!
Jonathan freezetalks that he really likes Deborah, and that the times he's made fun of her, it was to stop people making fun of him instead. Jonathan decides that he likes big, and that she's going to be his girlfriend. He walks up to Deborah and says, "I'm in." Deborah asks if he's sure, or if he's just saying it so they can make out tonight and then he'll dump her tomorrow. Jonathan says that's not the case. Deborah gives him a big kiss. Jonathan asks if she wants to head to the bushes, and Deborah agrees, but only after everyone gets a glimpse of her new boyfriend.
Dino's dad and Extraneous Brother work at the rib stand. Dino joins them and dons an apron, saying that his plans changed. The three male Whitman family members work together. Nearby, Ben walks through the carnival and smiles to himself. He spots Dino, who shakes his head no. Ben shakes his head in response, but then spots Jonathan and Deborah walking around holding hands. Jonathan sees them. Dino and Ben both give Jonathan a nod of respect and, I guess, acceptance. I'm surprised they didn't feature Deborah pigging out at the rib stand, since she's such a hog.