Shout-outs to Leener, Sars, and Rona.
Also, a big, wet, juicy, tie your mother down, give me all your love tonight Happy Birthday shout-out to Chris Meloni, who celebrated his natal anniversary on April second.
And so it begins in an apartment, where in a mirror we see a robed body with long blonde hair. Benson enters the room and the M.E. guy tells her that the victim, Layla Briggs, hanged herself from her bed. Huh? Oh, right, it's a big ol' four post canopy job. Whatever. Anyway, he takes off the robe as the camera follows Benson around the room, so that we see Layla's back and Benson sees her front. There are scars and welts and burns (oh my!) all over the victim's back, and I guess the opposite view is rather colorful, because Benson wonders aloud, "Is there anything she didn't pierce?" The M.E. figures she's got "so much steel in her, it must set off metal detectors." "Not to mention the burn marks," replies Benson. My boyfriend Elliot Stabler theorizes that they "could be self-inflicted," as the camera finally finds his fabulous form. Hi, honey! He wonders if they have any reason to believe this isn't a suicide. M.E. Boy tells them the robe was tied over Layla's folded arms. Stabler doesn't see the difficulty in that, and Benson is all, "Wait. The robe was open; did you open it?" M.E. Boy apparently missed the day in M.E. school where they talked about not disrupting a potential crime scene, because his feeble, whiny reply is that he "was told it was a suicide. [He] had to examine the body." Even the victim is rolling her eyes at this one, as we see the left half of her dead-ass face every time the camera cuts to Stabler. Stabler asks another cop if any of his men disturbed the body. Copper man says his first instinct was suicide, and he called the SVU as soon as he thought otherwise. Benson and Stabler are justifiably pissed. Roll skeevy credits.
After the break we're in the squad room, where Munch and Cassidy are coming down the stairs. When did they get stairs? Anyway, Cassidy "[doesn't] get S&M. I mean, 'hurt me; it turns me on.' What's up with that?" Munch sees Benson and Stabler coming into room and informs his young partner that "it starts with the tattoos. Once you get the ink, it's just a matter of time before you're begging to be tied up and spanked." Yeah, can I get an official timeline on that? Cuz I'd like to plan. Stabler smiles at this remark and puts his arm around Cassidy's shoulders (sigh) while the showing off the tat on the inside of his other forearm as Cassidy plays along: "Yeah, tattoos are just the gateway to the sexual dark side, my friend." "You guys finally figured me out, huh?" Jeffries joins in the fun, grabbing Stabler's arm (swoon!) and asking, "Seriously, did you get off on the tiny little pin pricks of pain?" "No, I get that from working with you," he replies with a mischievous grin. Okay, hands up. Who wants to be Michelle Hurd after watching that exchange? That's what I thought. Back to business. Cragen walks in with a file and tells Benson that in her preliminary report on the Briggs case, she "omitted a suspected cause of incident." Benson explains, "The first flush COD was death by hanging, but there were so many irregularities that we wanted to wait and talk to the M.E." Cragen: "Homicide or suicide?" Stabler: "Need more info. They had a baby M.E. at the scene and he disrobed the body." Cragen shakes his head in disbelief at this notion. Benson informs him about the "many self-inflicted wounds, or at least willingly endured wounds." "Which raises the possibility this is neither suicide nor homicide," finishes Stabler. Cragen thinks the rough sex gone wrong theory sounds like something one would hear from a defense attorney. Benson's all, "It happens. This girl was into some serious periphilia -- she was pierced from head to toe." We learn that she was also an investment analyst on Wall Street, and when Munch observes that "those two worlds overlap more than you'd think," we get Munch's Act One Conspiracy Theory of the Week: "The all-consuming obsession to destroy political competitors is no different than the compulsion to harm one's fellow man." Um, okay. Cragen dispatches Stabler and Benson to talk to the victim's family, and Munch and Cassidy to find out where she worked. I guess Jeffries will stay behind and do research.
Chung-chung! At the home of Anne Briggs, Benson is explaining to Layla's shell-shocked mother that SVU means they investigate "sexually-based offenses." Which I must say this crime does not, at this point, appear to be. But whatever. Mrs. Briggs wants to know what happened to her daughter. The cops were hoping she could help with that. Mrs. Briggs sits in her living room and says she has no idea. Benson and Stabler think Mrs. B knew her daughter better than anyone did, and could help shed some light on the whole piercing-scarring-burning deal. Mrs. B says that she and Layla were not close, that they drifted apart after Layla's dad died, when Layla was fifteen. Mrs. B last spoke with her daughter a week ago, and Layla was upbeat, happy in her job, and showed no signs of depression. Benson asks if Mrs. B noticed any changes in Layla's behavior. Mrs. B very sadly replies, "I didn't talk about anything personal with her. Maybe that was wrong." Stabler the sympathetic superparent comforts her: "You do what you can. You can't stop a child from doing what she's gonna do." Mrs. B tells of how she once walked in on Layla showering, to bring her fresh towels, and saw that Layla had metal rings through both her nipples. OW! Twice. "I guess that's how it began," she says remorsefully. Mrs. B explains that she thought going ballistic on her daughter after that discovery would just give Layla something to rebel against and it would just get worse. "I guess nothing worse can happen now." She turns and picks up a framed black-and-white picture of baby Layla from the side table. Aw. Poor Mrs. Briggs.
Over at some office, Munch and Cassidy are walking and talking with a tall redheaded chick with Very Sharp Features. Amy the redhead is casually explaining that "Layla was the alpha analyst for our derivative financial instruments." Cassidy very sweetly stops her by saying, "Amy, let's pretend for a moment this is Economics; we're not majors." Cassidy baby, you read my mind. Amy breaks it down: "Insurance companies collect premiums. Some of the money is used to pay claims. Some is held in a cash reserve. Layla helped figure out how to invest the rest." Layla apparently handled billions of dollars. Munch thinks this might have created enemies. Amy doesn't think it would have, and asks Munch why he might think so. Stupid move, Amy. Munch: "Well, we're talking about the concentration of power here, Amy. My little insurer's renter's check joins another and another until that trickle of money becomes a flood. That kind of wealth is a threat to the people that want you to stay in line. That can create enemies." Cassidy and Amy are, of course, amused by this little rant. Amy scores a billion points with Wendola and me when she very smartly replies, "First of all, that's not how it works. Second, Layla was well liked." Cassidy gets back on topic by telling Amy that they're more interested in Layla's mindset, if she was depressed or going through any crisis. Amy didn't notice anything. Munch asks what Amy's job is, as if that's relevant for any reason other than informing the plot. Amy manages the office, and her boyfriend Mr. Martin is the owner of the company. Amy and Mr. Martin had very little daily contact with Layla, but the head of Finance, Sho-Ling Fu, worked with her. Sho-Ling is out of the office today. Cassidy asks for her phone number. Amy's not giving it up to those baby blues as quickly as, say, Sars would. "We frown on incoming calls. They distract from the task at hand." Munch can relate to this: "In our line of work, we frown on -- obstruction of justice." I think the cops are going to win that debate, don't you?
Over at the Medical Examiner's, M.E. Rogers (woo hoo!) is telling Benson and Stabler that the cause of death is your everyday garden-variety "asphyxiation from a ligature around the neck." Stabler points out that "a cause isn't always an explanation," and asks Rogers if she thinks this was a case of suicide, homicide, or accident. She wants more info from the cops before she declares. Benson asks if Layla was sexually assaulted. As she and Benson gawk at the body, Rogers explains, "Assault is hard to determine. She was penetrated but there are no bodily fluids. Also, the kind of scarring and sexual injury this woman endured for years would send someone to prison. Except for one thing." Benson: "It was self-inflicted." Stabler thinks that maybe the fatal injury was self-inflicted. Rogers could see that happening, except the robe the victim was wearing is spotless. No sweat, no soiling, nothing. Stabler wonders if someone re-dressed her, like maybe a remorseful killer. Rogers points out that "sometimes family members clean up the scene."
So, over at Layla's apartment, Benson and Stabler are talking with Mrs. Briggs again. Stabler says that Layla may have been experimenting sexually, and Benson says that because of that fact, her death may have been an accident, not suicide. Mrs. Briggs is a little creepy in her shock and denial: "Layla was a good girl." Stabler says nothing that happened means she wasn't good, but if Mrs. B knows anything, she has to tell them so they can find out what happened to her daughter. Mrs. B finally gives in: "I was bringing her a cake. I didn't want to be nosy, she didn't like that. I was just gonna let myself out, and then --" Benson sits down and helps her along, "and then you walked into her room." Mrs. B continues, "You think it can't be true, when you see it. I felt dizzy. I lay down on the floor. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to cal someone, I thought I should call my minister, but I didn't want him to see her, not if I wanted a service. Then everyone would know." Benson is sympathetic to Mrs. B's embarrassment, and Mrs. B goes on, "She was wearing this weird leather thing and other things -- I don't even know what they are. I got rid of all that, put a robe over her, and called the police." Mrs. B threw all of "that filth" in a Dumpster behind Layla's building. Poor Mrs. B.
Cut to the crime lab, where a plethora of leather goods are laid out on a table. There's a zippered mask, bra, and thong; a merry widow lace-up thingie and boots, all accented in purple; and a bitchin' cat o' nine tails. Lab guy says he's sure this is the outfit Layla was wearing when she died. There were bodily fluids from Layla and a man, and semen has been sent out for DNA comparison. Stabler's all, "She had a partner during her final performance," and Benson's all curious: "So how's that work? She's got a whipping boy with her for some rough sex and he gets carried away?" Stabler thinks it could be that, or a homicide made to look like that. "So the whipper boiled over," concludes Benson. Lab Guy bursts their theoretical bubble when he tells them that nobody got whipped. There are no skin traces on the whip, it's in brand new condition, and the handle rattles when he shakes it. As the Oboe of Dramatic Revelation starts up, Stabler shows he knows about these things by saying, "That's odd. Let's open it up, see what's making that sound." Lab Guy unscrews the end of the handle and turns it over, dumping out a big pile of diamonds. Ooh, sparklies! Stabler and Benson try not to let their expressions change, but they've both got bugging eyes. Stabler steps up to the table and uses a pair of lab tweezers to pick up the cost of all four of his kids' college tuition and drool over it in the light.
Could Friday night TV ads suck more? I don't think so.
Back at the cop shop, Munch is passing along to Cassidy and Cragen that he hears the Briggs case is being blamed on autoerotic asphyxiation. Benson and Stabler return to inform him that it wasn't autoerotic because there was more than one person involved. They give the update from the lab, including the kicker about the whip filled with half a million dollars in diamonds. Cragen is a little worked up about this discovery, saying that it should be easy to figure out where that much ice came from. He orders Benson and Stabler to hit the diamond district and show Layla's photo around. He neglects to remind them to pick me up something in a two-carat brilliant cut while they're down there. Bastard. Stabler hands Cragen a file and tells his boss that they also have Layla's credit card records, which show that she frequented sex and fetish shops. Cragen gives the file to Cassidy and tells him and Munch to follow up on them, and see if they can get the names of any of Layla's sex partners. Somewhere in Manhattan, Sars does a cartwheel at the thought of Cassidy as the sex shop investigator.
Chung-chung! Over at All Due Restraint, a brunette is telling Cassidy and Munch that she knew Layla, but "for obvious reasons, [she tries] to respect the privacy of our customers, because the world can be so judgmental of human behavior." Cassidy leans in with his Sexy Voice and flirts, "Not us -- we leave that to the prosecutors." Anyway, the brunette says that Layla was a first-timer, a "yuppie with a wild streak," and asks why the cops are asking. Cassidy tells her, "We found her dead, trussed up like a latex turkey." Hee hee! The brunette is shocked at this news and, when Munch asks if she knew any of Layla's partners, says she (Layla) came in one time with her boss's girlfriend. Munch: "Big redhead?" Brunette: "No, a brunette. Why?" Munch figures they met a different girlfriend. Cassidy and the sex-shop brunette stare and smile at each other for a while until Munch drags Cassidy out of there. Go, Cassidy!
Chung-chung! At Shaked Diamonds, a fancy jewelry store, the owner has never seen Layla, and tells Benson and Stabler that the only people dealing in quantities of diamonds like she possessed are crooks and professional dealers. What, the cops thought they'd get a few pounds of diamonds at Zales or something? Anyway, the owner would never sell such a large amount to anyone he didn't know personally, for fear of damaging his reputation. Turns out diamonds are "the travelers checks of the underworld -- valuable, compact, impossible to trace." Hey, screw "a diamond is forever"! This is a much better advertising slogan! Anyway, there's a less scrupulous guy named David McKuin upstairs in the same building. He'll apparently sell to anyone.
Cut to David McKuin, recognizing Layla's picture and knowing her full name. She came in to buy from him two weeks ago, and McKuin is shocked, shocked to learn of her death. Anyway, she bought $9,416,000 worth of diamonds when she was in. She wanted ten million, but McKuin didn't have them. Benson asks what Layla was going to do with the diamonds, and McKuin says it was for her work: "High-finance. I don't understand it." You and me both, buddy. Stabler's in his face: "And you don't ask questions when you can make a quick buck." McKuin resents that. Stabler tells him, "Then you'll really resent it when we file a stolen property inquiry." He and Benson basically threaten to make McKuin's life hell if he doesn't tell the truth about the reason for the diamond purchase, and goes to a file cabinet and shows them that it was definitely business. Layla paid with a corporate check. Benson asks for a copy of the check, and while McKuin is off kickin' it Xerox style, Stabler whispers, "If I were ripping off my company, I'd want this jeweler as my guy." Maybe that's what she was doing and someone else wanted a cut of the action, thinks my man. McKuin comes back with the copy, showing that the check is from Martin Global Fund, signed by Layla's supervisor, Sho-Ling Fu. Stabler asks McKuin to give the SVU a call if someone comes in trying to fence the diamonds. McKuin agrees to do so.
Stabler and Benson pulling up at a curb, Stabler on his cell phone with Munch: "Yeah, I got it -- a redhead and a brunette. Thanks for the razor-sharp description." Stabler tells Benson Martin has two beautiful girlfriends.
Cut to an office door marked "Sho-Ling Fu," where a woman's voice is saying, "We have many accounts, in many currencies." We now see the lovely Ms. Fu, who looks about as Sho-Ling Fu as I do. Which is to say, not at all. Ethnic, yeah. She's got me there. Anyway, Benson can't believe that she doesn't remember a check for nearly ten million dollars. Sho-Ling bobs her head snottily and informs our heroes that she "[signs] a transaction like that several times a week." Well, bully for you. When informed that this specific check was used to purchase diamonds, Sho-Ling tells the detectives, "Layla did some commodities hedging. Once in a while you take a delivery of actual goods." No, I don't know what she means either. Benson asks where the diamonds are. Sho-Ling is all snotty, "How would I know?" Benson takes a wild stab in the dark: "Because you're in charge of finances?" Good point. Stabler and his beautiful smoldering stare have had enough. "We're investigating a murder," he says. "Mr. Martin's office is where?" Sho-Ling loses her smirk in time to answer, "Down the hall. It's marked." Wow. Never would have thought of that. Stabler smiles and thanks her.
In Martin's office, Martin and his Casual CEO of the Nineties look (casual dress, scrappy goatee) tells some story of starting out in his garage and how he keeps an old computer to remind himself of where he started. Stabler goes into Sarcasm Mode: "That's sweet. How long did Layla Briggs work for you?" A couple of years, says Martin, before declaring without so much as an ounce of sincerity how much of a shame Layla's death was. Stabler wonders how much Martin knew about her personal life. "You mean the sex stuff? Her predilections were well known, but kept out of the office." Stabler wonders if there was ever a problem with Layla stealing, since she purchased thousands of dollars worth of sex gear with corporate credit cards. Martin thinks there's no difference between funding Layla's "habit" and paying for a membership to a country club. Anyway, he knows about the diamond purchase, because they were "betting on diamond futures going up in anticipation of Y2K anxiety." Was it common knowledge that Layla had the diamonds? According to Martin, it's right in the financial report, that anyone who knew how to read it would know she had the rocks. At this point I picture a Looney Tunes rendition of a corporate report, with a big headline that reads, "Layla Briggs Has The Diamonds." Anyway, the distribution list for the report is everyone in the office and the Board of Directors of "the charity." Stabler is amused at the thought of a charity on Wall Street. Turns out Martin Global, specifically Layla Briggs, invested a large fund for a foundation called the New Vision Endowment, which gives eyeglasses and books to poor kids.
Chung-chung! Guess where we are now? Yup -- New Vision Endowment. Kelp, the head of the foundation, last saw Layla early the week, when she brought by the quarterly reports. Layla managed their endowment, and Benson asks what that entailed. Time for the Act Two Economics Lesson. "Non-profits don't spend the money all at once. Our endowment keeps us going from year to year." Stabler: "Like an investment pool." He's so smart, that boy of mine. Anyway, back to Kelp: "The better the returns, the more money we can put to work. Layla was very skilled at making our money work." Kelp never heard anything about the diamond purchase, but isn't shocked, because Layla made some exotic returns that usually paid off. Stabler notes that "exotic puts the entire endowment at risk." Kelp didn't understand any of what Layla was doing, but he didn't care as long as she brought in the big bucks. He gave power of attorney (OH MY GOD!) to her company, on Frank Martin's personal guarantee to bail out the foundation.
Back at Martin Global, Frankie Boy is 'splaining that the diamond purchase was a shrewd move. Stabler tells him about the diamonds found with Layla's body. Martin protests that Layla was scrupulous and furthermore had no need to steal because she made millions while she was with the company. Benson wonders if Layla had any reason to be angry with Martin, but he insists they had a good working relationship. Benson asks if it was ever sexual. Martin denies that it was, saying "there's a fine line between tolerating sexual behavior and encouraging it." He doesn't know whom Layla was dating, and he never asked because those kinds of questions invite lawsuits. Whatever.
In the squad room, Cragen's asking for an update on the case. Stabler tells him that everyone seemed to know about Layla's habit and the fact that her company financed it. Benson gives him the flip side: "She was a financial whiz, managed a huge fund for a charity foundation." Cragen dips into his Big Ol' Bag of Clichés and this week's selection is (can I get a drumroll here?) -- "Charity begins at home, people." Excellent choice, Cap'n! He expounds further, "For every dollar that goes into the can, ninety cents ends up in somebody's pocket." Stabler thinks that's a pretty cynical view. Cragen thinks that's life, but regardless he knows that a non-profit's records are public information, and thus sends Stabler and Benson out to find out what's really going on.
Over in Kelp's office, Stabler and Benson are confronting him with a pressboard binder containing the financial records of his foundation. Benson tells him that of the $18 million he took in, less than $1 million went for charitable works. Kelp insists they're reading the report wrong, grabs a file off his credenza, and shows them a report that says $14 million was spent on glasses. Stabler: "Anyone can print up a report. We talked to the bank. There is no such account. They've never even heard of you." Ouch. Benson tells Kelp that they think he and Layla had a scam going where she would embezzle money and he would sign off on the reports, but she got greedy. It finally dawns on Kelp: "Are you suggesting that I killed Layla?" Um, not to put too fine a point on it here, dude, but duh. He gives up: "That's not what happened. I knew about the financial irregularities, but I never benefited from them." Benson's not buying it. He swears it's true, "at least, not financially," and closes his office door before getting to the goods. "Layla would make certain donations. I would then invest the proceeds with her company." Stabler: "Martin was laundering money, Layla was his bag man." THANK YOU, dearest darling Elliot, for putting it into plain English. Jesus. Anyway, all Kelp had to do was look the other way. Benson wonders what was in it for Kelp. "We shared certain compulsions," he says as he rolls up his sleeve. "I tried, but I was never able to entirely relieve myself of them." As we see that his arm is covered in burn scars (and a barbed wire tattoo), he continues, "Layla knew me as The Human Ashtray." Now there's a WWF nickname we won't see anytime soon. Anyway, Kelp and Layla met on "the circuit. The non-profit world is very concerned with appearances." Benson is totally horrified by The Human Ashtray, but not enough to prevent her from deducing that Layla threatened to expose Kelp, which he admits is the reason he helped her in the first place, which was "the edge of the wedge." Stabler very intently asks what the circuit is, and we learn that it's various people, that the only one with a regular gig was Anna Faust, who apparently knew Layla well.
Over on a balcony of some swanky high rise, Anna Faust is like six feet tall and has some pretty severe grayish-purple lipstick to go with her otherwise conservative business attire. She hasn't seen Layla in four months, and laughs at Benson and Stabler's mention of "the circuit -- the underground bondage scene." Anna gets in Stabler's face all non-existent sexual tension-like as she explains that Layla came to Anna's parties until she was banished. Not for something Layla did, though. Layla was a submissive, and her master broke Anna's rules, so both of them were no longer welcome. I know we all saw this coming a mile away, but I'll spell it out anyway. Anna "reveals" that Layla's master was "a Wall Street financier with a mean streak. His name is Frank Martin." Dramatic tension? No, thanks, we're trying to cut back. Anyway, Stabler says they know him, and asks what Martin did to piss off Anna. Turns out he hurt one of "her girls". Before she gives them the name of the woman, she asks Stabler if he'll "promise to give him the punishment he so richly deserves." Stabler's all cop: "Sure, that's what we hope to do." Anna purrs, "Good boy," before writing down a name. Dear Anna, BACK OFF, BITCH! Signed, Pooh. Co-signed, Wendola, Sars, and bstewart.
After the commercial, a Bai Ling manqué with a bicep bracelet and mental patient bangs is entering Cap'n Cragen's office. She asks if he's with immigration. No, Cragen just wants to hear about Frank Martin. Long story short: Bai Not Ling met Martin at a party where she was a paid submissive. He asked if she was into high-risk sex, which she was not. Two days later he called her and threatened to have her deported back to Vietnam if she didn't meet him for some games. He tried choking her, she was scared, he promised it would be okay, he put a belt around her neck, she blacked out, he was gone when she woke up. Cragen's brow is furrowed more than normal during this excruciating scene, and all he can say to her is "I see." Good job, Muppety Bastard.
We do the non-chung over to Martin Global Fund, Inc. Instead we have a funky sex-crimes rock tune to show us Benson, Stabler, Cassidy, and Munch walking through the deserted halls of Martin Global to Frank Martin's office, which contains a giant pile of shredded paper. Bummer.
Cop shop. Cragen says, "The feds don't give a damn about the dead girl. The financial fraud got their motor running." Munch says the FBI is the hired gun of The Powers That Be. Um, okay. Cassidy attempts to jump in with, "Fronting for the trilateral council, the World Bank, and the Mansons." "The Masons," corrects Cragen. Aw, Cassidy's so cute. Anyway, Martin's still the chief suspect, and Benson thinks that to find him they've got to follow the diamonds. Stabler observes that "$9 million in diamonds is an albatross if you can't cash them out." Cragen tells them to canvass the diamond dealers as Research Jeffries comes in carrying, you guessed it, a big pile of files. She's cracked the damn case, y'all! Well, maybe not so much, but she did get in touch with a woman whose case she once worked, who works at the State Insurance Company. It turns out the cops aren't the only ones investigating Martin: "The Tennessee Department of Commerce and Insurance was all over him like a cheap suit." Apparently, they even sent up an auditor four months ago. Can you guess who we'll meet ?
So we're chung-chung-ing again, this time to the Barbizon hotel, where Mr. Tucker the auditor is shaving and telling Stabler, in his very thick Tennessee accent, that "Martin Global Fund had a controlling interest in the Tennessee Valley Teachers Retirement Fund. The third quarter showed irregularities and I was sent to perform an audit." Anyway, the financial blather boils down to the fact that Martin Global made a bunch of funky investments that were aggressive, but never illegal. Tucker checked into the assets, and they were right on the line. If Martin Global defaulted, Tennessee would be screwed. "The obligation is large enough that I've been looking for a legal reason for the state to take it over." Benson informs Tucker that Martin is missing, and wonders if anything in his investigation might help locate him. Tucker shakes his head and proclaims Frank Martin to be a weasel. He's been in New York for five months and still can't find anything to pin on Martin. Benson's cell phone rings, and as she ducks out to take the call, Stabler asks Tucker if he came across any associates of Martin who might be sheltering him. Tucker says that "everything he does is just barely legitimate. If I give you one address, I'll have to give you fifty." Stabler goes for the fifty, and Tucker hands him a file before saying, "I've been trying to nail down Martin for five months. You catch him, you give me a few minutes with him." Stabler and Benson leave the room, and Benson lets us all know that the call was from Munch. McKuin the slimy diamond dealer got a call from a woman who wants to sell a large quantity of diamonds. Stabler's philosophical about his suspect: "If there's anything Martin's got going for him, it's women to do his bidding." Word.
we see a finger ringing a security buzzer, which lets Sho-Ling Fu enter the room where we met David McKuin. She asks where McKuin is, and an accented voice asks who she is. She introduces herself and demands that her question be answered. Munch and his fake accent tell her that he sent McKuin on an errand. "McKuin runs errands?" "He does what I tell him. Most people in the industry do." Sho-Ling is not so quick on the uptake, so she asks, "What industry?" Cassidy's cute face appears onscreen as he condescends to her, "You've never heard of John deMunch?" She covers pretty quickly: "You're John deMunch," like she's known of him since she was in utero. "Let me put it this way," says deMunch. "I could make a call to Johannesburg and release so many diamonds onto the market that whatever it is you're carrying wouldn't be worth the price of a pack of gum." Sho-Ling wonders how she knows she can trust him. Duh, he's John deMunch! "I'm a businessman," he replies. "I don't think anyone has ever trusted me. Your move." I am none to pleased to admit that a Munch-centric scene amused me. But I'll be the bigger person and own that.
Cut to the contents of Sho-Ling's bag empty on the table of an interrogation room, where Munch is asking what her job is. "I manage Martin Global" is her defiant answer. Cassidy asks how she prepared for the responsibilities of this high-powered position, and Sho-Ling replies that it's none of his business. Blah, blah, where's Frank? She swears she doesn't know. Cassidy tells her about the diamonds found with Layla's body, and that things are not looking good for her. Sho-Ling insists the diamonds were a gift from a friend. Cassidy asks for a name. Sho-Ling offers up a well-known one -- "James Bond" -- and is pretty smug about it for a bimbo in her place. Munch grabs her address book and tells her they're "going to start visiting her friends, and when [they] find the one, [they're] gonna pass along a nice warm 'thank you.'" He notices that the name David appears frequently in her calendar, for lunch and dinner dates and god knows what else. She demands Munch give it back, and he then discovers that David Kelp, technically the purchaser of the diamonds, is her boyfriend. Ooh, the plot thickens. Or something. Cassidy tells her it's her last chance to talk. She offers up this insight: "Your coffee sucks." Dude, this chick's either really stupid, really ballsy, or a frightening combination of the two.
Out in the squad room, Munch shows the daybook to Benson and Stabler, but he wants to beg off picking up Kelp because he has an appointment with his phrenologist. He then likens phrenology to "feng shui for the head." No one wants him to miss that. Stabler and Benson grab their jackets and head out to get Kelp. Stabler's putting the pieces together: "Martin's employees are pawns. Adding Kelp gives the shady diamond purchase legitimacy by helping the poor and downtrodden." He figures that Layla must have crossed everybody. Lemme just borrow a little from Arlo Guthrie here and say this: Remember Layla? This is a story about Layla.
Again with the non-chunging! Cellos escort us into the New Vision Endowment. Stabler and Benson go into Kelp's office where he's sitting silently in his big-ass leather chair, with his back to them. If you don't know what's coming , you don't watch nearly enough TV. He doesn't answer them, so they turn the chair around and we see a dripping bullet hole in his forehead. Anyone for a jelly donut?
Back in the interrogation room, Sho-Ling Fu is telling Stabler and Benson that if they keep her there any longer, she'll sue. They tell her about Kelp's death, and she is genuinely shocked. She sobs, "He did it!" Benson asks if by "he" she means Frank Martin. Sho-Ling nods and gets bitchy like a good girl should: "Frank Martin never followed through on one thing in his entire life until now." Stabler clarifies that she's saying Martin killed David Kelp. She confirms that Martin threatened to kill her boyfriend if she ran or went to the police. Stabler wants more information. Sho-Ling tells them that four hours ago he came to her with a clear plastic bag full of diamonds and asked her to cash them out. Um, there's no way in hell the whole sting deal and all of this interrogation and finding of dead bodies happened in less than four hours. In New York City. I'm just saying. ["Word to that. It takes that long just to take a cab across town." -- Sars] Stabler is skeptical that Martin trusts Sho-Ling enough to have her cash out the diamonds. Sho-Ling scoffs at this. "He doesn't trust anyone. He knew David and I were close . . . he asked for a favor and in the same breath threatened someone's life. Classic Martin." Stabler says it sounds like she knows Martin pretty well. She busts out the sob story; goes well with the sobbing, I guess. "When I first met Frank I was dancing in a cage, with fluorescent green paint all over me. He liked me, even though my name was Angela Torres then. It was his idea to change it to Sho-Ling. That's what he gave me: an exotic ideal." Okay, I could go off for days here about how American men view Asian and Latin women, and how sick it makes me, but since I'm neither Asian nor Latin and not as well-informed on the socio-psychological aspects of the stereotypes to make an intelligent argument right now, I'll just say this: Fucking ew. Benson asks Sho-Ling/Angela to tell them where she was planning to meet up with Martin after cashing out the diamonds.
Cut to the outside of a hotel door. Hotel security runs a key card through, and Benson and Stabler bust in, guns drawn, and announce their presence. They stop in their tracks when they see Tucker sitting down to a fancy room service dinner, in a fancy hotel robe.
After the commercials, Stabler and Benson are interrogating Tucker. Tucker doesn't know where Martin is, and he got a hotel room with two beds because that way there's a better chance of getting a decent mattress. Benson tells him, "Layla's death is at your feet unless we get Frank. It's not a pretty life, Tucker. It's dark all the time." "And the mattresses suck," adds Stabler. Tucker relents and tells them that Martin left an hour before they got to the hotel, but Tucker doesn't know where Martin went. Benson asks what happened the night Layla died. He says he doesn't know. She insists that he does. "No, not specifics," he admits. "He called me after. By the time I got there, he already had her strung up." Stabler asks what Martin said when he called. Tucker says he just told Tucker to get over to Layla's, but Tucker didn't need directions because he'd already been there. "Layla was one of the best. That's what I was expecting." Benson's skeeved: "Wait. You expected to have sex with Layla with Frank there?" "Frank helped her do things, do things right. That's how he got me the first time." Ew, ew, ew. "The first time" was the same time as the audit. Tucker says Frank gave him a taste of life he'd never had before -- beautiful women who wanted him, which made him feel powerful. Stabler has no sympathy for this bastard as he pleadingly explains that he's shy around women. Benson doesn't give a shit; she wants to know about money. Tucker got cash, cars, and free time. He'd go home to a dull life, but Layla was anything but dull. Stabler asks what happened when he got to Layla's apartment. Tucker says that he saw that she was dead, and "hightailed it outta theah." I swear to god, that's what he says. Benson asks why he didn't leave town, and he admits that there was some hush money -- the diamonds. Benson tells him that the cops have the jewels, and Tucker is crushed. He tells them that Martin didn't have a cent on him when he left, and that he hated being without money because it reminded him of when he was growing up. Tucker thinks that Martin would turn to Amy, because he trusts her.
Chung-chung! At the apartment of Amy Tanner, Amy has been beaten to a pulp, and her left eye is all bruised and about swollen shut. Frank did it to her. He came in, nicely asking her to borrow money, but all she had were her corporate credit cards. He went nuts, hit her, and ransacked the apartment. He found an old airplane ticket of hers, pinned her down, called the airline desk of a hotel, and made her tell them she was an invalid sending a friend to change the ticket. He left really recently. She says he's finally gone too far.
At the aforementioned hotel airline desk, Frank's credit cards are causing him trouble, and the agent suggests he try a cheaper class. He says he'll take anything, he just wants to be on the plane. Benson and Stabler show up and offer him a ride. He's so dumb, he thinks they're serious and takes them up on their offer.
In the squad room, Benson and Stabler are all casually chatting with Martin as they have sandwiches at their desks. Martin wonders when he'll get to leave. Stabler tells him it will be soon, when they verify that he's authorized to use the credit cards, which shouldn't take long since it's his company after all. He laments that his ex is still using the accounts, and "nowadays you never know who's in your private affairs and personal finances." Stabler offers him a sparkling water, which Martin declines because bubbles give him gas. Benson thinks maybe a cappuccino instead? Martin asks if they have a machine, Benson says they can order out for some, Stabler and Benson explain that they're not your average beat cops in their unit, that they're more like "investigative bean counters." Martin actually falls for this shit. Stabler's having too much fun with this. "Like that thing with Layla -- that's a little out of our wheelhouse. We just came in because there was a financial twist there." "Because of the diamonds," Benson continues, slowly lowering the boom. "Which, by the way, your friend Tucker has some crazy story about you." Stabler chuckles, Martin nervously asks what Tucker said, Stabler assures him that it's nothing worth discussing, although Southerners are great storytellers. Martin says that "Freddy's a born liar" and asks to make a phone call. Benson offers the use of her phone, and Martin asks if he can leave. Stabler says soon, they're just waiting on his platinum card. Then, almost as an aside, he asks Martin, "What time did you call?" Martin: "Who?" Stabler: "Freddy the liar. He said you called him to go over to Layla's house." Martin: "When?" Stabler: "That night." Martin: "What night?" Stabler and Benson have a good laugh. Stabler has the last damn laugh though. "'Who? When? What?' We should hire this guy!" Martin realizes that he needs to call his lawyer.
Over in Cragen's office, Amy is telling the Cap'n, Munch, and Cassidy, "They said I wouldn't get into trouble if I told the truth." Munch explains to Cragen that Martin went to Amy when he was out of money. Cragen guarantees Amy full immunity. Amy tells of how she first met Frank at happy hour, how she and her friends would go and try to get jobs from drunken businessmen. "Frank was always in control, but little did I know." Munch and Cassidy ask if he every tried his little strangulation-for-kicks trick on her. "Hell, no!" she answers. "I don't mind a little recreational spankies, being tied up, playful stuff, so he quickly lost interest in me. He liked the thrill of controlling women who struggled against him. The sick bastard." She starts crying as she gets to the big plot revelation. "He told me he and his HOMEBOY Tucker used to tie farm girls to trees and sit in the woods just laughing -- getting off on watching them struggle." All ears in the room have pricked up at the mention of Tucker's name, and Cragen realizes that Martin was from Tennessee too. Amy's full of sickening information. "Yeah, but they never got into trouble because they were minors at the time. And besides, as he says, 'they were only colored girls.'" Ugh. Anyone else ready to hurl? Munch adds, "The chivalry part comes in where they let them go rather than leave them there and let them die of exposure and humiliation." Cragen points out that this happy little bedtime tale doesn't help with the murder investigation. Amy takes some papers from her purse that she says will help.
In the interrogation room, Stabler has the file in Martin's face, telling him, "No, Frank, you called Tucker." Martin says Tucker called him. Stabler says no, Martin called Tucker, and says the records show he called at 8:22. Martin scrambles for an excuse, saying it was a problem with the Tennessee regulators (as Stabler is shaking his head), and that as soon as he got to his office, he had his assistant page Tucker to set up a meeting. Benson's turn to be in his face now. "You think we're from Peapatch, Frank? Because this isn't a farm, but you are in some pretty deep horse manure." She points to the papers and makes him look as she spells it out for him. "The call that we're talking about was at 8:22 PM. Not AM. 8:22 in the evening. New York City time." Martin insists that his assistant will back him up. Stabler's had enough, and rails, "Stop with the CEO routine, okay. We're all just plain folks here. Sit down." And he slams Martin down into a chair. Hee! Martin's all offended, "Hey! You don't have to get nasty!" Dude, I thought you liked the rough stuff. Benson's coming at him from the other side of the room, in his face now, "Nasty? Nasty is putting out your cigarette on your executive assistant's thigh. Nasty is cheating little old ladies from Tennessee out of their life savings. And choking the air out of Layla Briggs's windpipe, and then leaving her corpse for her mother to find? That's definitely nasty." Okay, who else has old-school Janet Jackson running through their heads after all that Nasty Talk? Martin wants his lawyer. Stabler reminds him that he called his lawyer three hours ago, but the lawyer hasn't returned his calls. "Think he checked your credit?" Hee! Then slowly, so that maybe Martin will finally get it: "Amy has turned you in." Benson tries to use this to get him to admit that he choked Layla, but he says he didn't, Tucker did. "Because of the stolen diamonds?" asks Stabler. "No, we didn't even know about that," Martin answers. "It was strictly for kicks." Then can someone tell me why in the HELL I've just spent the last seven thousand fricking words chronicling a diamond plot? AARRGGHHH! Anyway, my boyfriend Elliot Stabler is angered and sickened by this, but Martin's confessing, so he suppresses his gag reflex long enough to listen. "I was doing her, and Tucker started squeezing her throat, you know [no, I don't know, you sick fuck], just massaging it really. She liked it, but then her eyes said 'stop.'" "So why didn't he?" Benson asks. Martin responds, "He'll claim it was for my benefit, but the truth is that was the biggest turn-on for him. Not the sex part -- the seeing how far you could go. And he went all the way." EEWWWWUH! Show of hands -- who else needs a long hot shower in pure lye after that?
Over at the two-way mirror, Jeffries is watching Munch, Cassidy, and Tucker in the interrogation room. Munch is refuting something Tucker has said, and Tucker wants to know what they've heard. Cassidy says, "Something about you tying up the ladies down home." Tucker says, "It was nothing," and goes to sit down. No dice there, jerkass. Cassidy throws the chair across the room. Tucker says they were just kids, fifteen or sixteen years old, and "besides, that's just the way it was then down there." This guy could not be smugger if his name was Smugly McSmugson. Munch looks to the mirror -- to Jeffries -- and asks Tucker, "So, it's just like a cultural difference, torturing women?" Tucker wonders where he got the idea it was torture. Munch clarifies, "Torturing with pleasure, I mean. They must have like being left out there in the woods. The solitude, the mosquitoes." Tucker laughs, "It broke up the boredom." Jeffries busts in, staring him down, and he quickly loses his smile. "The boredom of sitting on a porch, eating watermelon, and having babies, you mean?" Tucker sizes her up: "You're not a public defender." Jeffries gets right in his face and says, "No. I'm Detective. Jeffries. I only came in to see the redneck under the facade of the new South." Then she sizes him up. "Now I'm kinda sorry I did," she finishes, and goes to leave. Before she gets to the door, she turns back and says to Munch, "Oh. Martin rolled on him." Go, Monique! Tucker's eyes get big at this last bit, and he's all panicky: "What'd she mean?" Cassidy throws him down into the chair at the table, while yelling at him to sit down. Tucker asks again what she meant. Munch gives him the good (for everyone but him) news: "You have been Mirandized. If you give a statement, it might -- I stress MIGHT -- help in mitigating your sentence, provided the District Attorney's office will even entertain the option of a plea bargain. Which I doubt." Tucker isn't getting it, so he turns to Cassidy and asks, "What the hell is he talking about, son?" Cassidy busts out his Human-to-Bastard-Psycho-Redneck dictionary and translates for him: "It means you and Frank are gonna hang." Amen to that. Tucker kinda spits as he takes this in and we fade to credits.