It's here! The end of Launch My Line! Possibly forever! But if it does come back for a Season 2, please do so without DSquared2, who are probably nice but suck at hosting and kind of creep me out!
I will miss the theme song.
The three teams arrive for their last day with eight hours until the launch. Everyone gets right down to work, and each team's problems are recapped for us: DJ Eric's evening gown is covered in tacky fake gems that take a long time to sew on, and Kathy is very behind on both the ruffle dress and the evening gown. Worst of all, one of her designers has disappeared. Jim is nowhere to be found. Team Merle, meanwhile, seem to be doing just fine. Merle is confident she'll win, which means she's totally going to lose.
DSquared2 enter with a special guest who wants to stop by and wish them luck. Is it Jim? Because I'm starting to get worried about him. No, it's Fergie! Amazing how since they filmed this show, Lady Gaga (who no one seemed to have heard of when she stopped by, so long ago was this show filmed) has now surpassed her in fame. But did Lady Gaga have a meth addiction and star on Kids, Incorporated? No, she did not. Also, Fergie looks a lot like Kathy. They should have Katey Sagal and the Bee Guy from The Simpsons stop by to complete Celebrity Doppelganger day. Fergie and DSquared2 stop by DJ Eric's station first, and she actually knows him from his real job. Or at least, she claims to know of him. She also claims to like his designs, calling the lipstick pocket dress "fabulous" and saying she's never seen anything like it before. There's a reason for that, Fergie. DJ Eric interviews that his "target demographic" is basically Fergie, who, by the way, doesn't appear to have washed her hair in like two weeks.
Fergie swings by Kathy's station , and no one says anything about how they totally look alike except that Kathy doesn't have the fake tan. Fergie is just as positive about Kathy's stuff as she was about DJ Eric's. They head to Merle's station , and Merle is all about the fake praise, gushing over how excited she is to meet Fergie. Guess what? Fergie loves Merle's line too, saying the convertible aspect of her outfits makes quick changes during concerts easy. Like when you pee in your pants on stage and only have a minute to put on some clean, dry pants. Merle's line would be good for Fergie in that respect. With that, Fergie wishes everyone luck and is basically pushed out of the studio by DSquared2. Hey, do you guys think she might have run over Jim on her way to the set or something? Where is he?
The hours tick by and still, Jim is nowhere to be found. Fergie killed him and DSquared2 buried the body in a pile of their ugly jeans, I just know it! Roberto tells Kathy not to worry because "the gods are with us." Emil's advice, "work with what we have," is slightly more practical. DSquared2 slither in to announce the arrival of the models. Yes, even the models got there before Jim! They filter in and get their orders from the contestants. Merle's models have twice as much work as everyone else because they have to deal with the convertible aspect of their outfits. DJ Eric, meanwhile, seems to be enjoying the freedom to stare at his models in tiny outfits and call it part of the fitting process. It's chaos over at Kathy's station, of course, and the red ruffle dress is still giving them problems. In the end, Kathy decides it doesn't look right as a long dress and lets Emil cut it back to the short length he designed in the first place. At Merle's station, someone wonders where Jim is, and Merle tries not to laugh out loud as she says "that is really crazy." And yet, she doesn't look very surprised, does she? I'll bet she killed him in his sleep last night to sabotage the competition. "It's really upsetting. I'm sure Kathy is freaking," Merle says, somehow managing to hide an evil and triumphant smile. Back at Kathy's station, Kathy is indeed freaking.
Meanwhile, the editors try to drum up some drama with the other teams by having Galina whine about how she needs vodka and/or a spa while Merle has trouble finding shoes for her models. With all of her designers doing most of the work for her, all Merle has to do was get shoes for the models, and she can't do that right.
With two and a half hours to go, Jim is still missing. Emil realizes that the hidden pocket zebra dress isn't going to assemble itself and starts fitting it to the model. And then Jim arrives! "I had car trouble. I'm so sorry," he claims. Dude, no. You are five and a half hours late! You could have flown across the country in less time than your "car trouble" took to sort out. Clearly, something else went down, but we will never find out what. Kathy interviews that while she's super-pissed at Jim for sabotaging her chances, she needs his help and so can't yell at him. Yet. "Sorry to freak you out," Jim says, not looking sorry at all. Probably because he has an extra ten grand in his pocket courtesy of Merle, who paid him off.
Even though she has no time, Kathy still takes a second to glance around the room at her competition and note that both of her opponents are putting out some strong pieces. Merle's evening gown is something that Kathy would wear, while DJ Eric's team "really focused their target market," as Kathy says diplomatically. Meanwhile, her team is using a Sharpie to color in contrasting thread in the seams.
With two hours to go, it's time to get the models into hair and makeup. Since it's the season finale, Product Placement guy himself has stopped by to "consult" with each team on what they want for their models' hair. Product Placement guy and his giant veneers stops by all the stations to ask the designers what kind of look they're going for with their lines.
Suddenly, there are only 20 minutes left. Teams put the finishing touches on everything, with Galina yelling at the models to shave their legs. Because that's important. Not the clothes, but the model's leg hair. As the clock ticks down for the last time, the models line up for Merle and DJ Eric while Kathy's team is still trying to sew. But then! Merle notices that one of her models, who is wearing the ruffle dress, is missing! Could it be that Kathy killed her to get back at Merle for giving Jim "car trouble"? No, she's just with Thai, who is still sewing ruffles onto her dress. With five minutes to go. But he's Thai, who can probably sew together an entire wardrobe in five minutes, so finishing a dress in that time is easy. When the clock hits zero, Galina dramatically collapses on the table to get some last-minute camera time.
The audience arrives at the final fashion show. It's a star-studded crowd tonight! Why, there's Lou Rawls's daughter! And Jaime Pressly, probably to support DJ Eric, who is the father of her child. Also Jenny Shimizu, best known for claiming to have affairs with famous women. She also works on some Bravo series, as does fellow audience member Jonathan "Failing Upwards" Antin. Oh, and Kara Saun decided to stop by again, albeit in the same outfit she wore when she appeared a few episodes back. And hooray! Lady Jumpsuit returns! She says it's weird to be in this room and not standing on the stage "being told how bad I was." And let us not forget Doofy Kevin: "if you ain't got no popcorn, you missing the tree here." Okay, let us forget him now. Forever.
DSquared2 take the stage in their ugly white tuxedoes to welcome the crowd and get things started. They take their seats, and Merle steps out on stage to say some bullshit about how "fashion should come from the inside out" and reveal one's true self. If that's true, then Merle's true self is petty and bitter and a bitch behind people's backs. At least, that's what this show about fashion revealed to me. Merle's show begins. First out is the pocket outfit, which has a skirt with a pocket in the hem that can be removed and turned into a purse. That's cool, although I can't really think of any occasion where I would suddenly need a purse and so must remove part of my skirt to get it or vice versa. Also, it's not a purse so much as a fanny pack. That is never cool. Merle's ruffle dress looks nice and simple and the hem detaches to make it shorter for those occasions when you're going to one of DJ Eric's clubs but forgot to wear your skank dress. Merle voiceovers that having her own clothing line would mean everything to her, and she doesn't know why she didn't just become a fashion designer in the first place. Merle's evening gown is a nice, layered piece made with gold sequins that I thought would look ugly but actually looks pretty awesome on the runway. The bottom unzips to create a shorter dress, something she's done in three of her dresses now. As all the models walk out one last time, Merle voiceovers "welcome to my world." It's a very brown world, too.
DJ Eric walks out and actually introduces himself as "DJ Eric Cubeechee." Much like how I introduce myself to people as "Writer Sara Morrison," or, in leaner times, "Unemployed Sara Morrison." He says he named his line after his son, although it's designed for "18 to ageless females," because if a 17-year-old girl wore one of his outfits he would probably be arrested for violating some sex offender law. And here comes a parade of ugliness! The ruffle dress looks nice on the model but probably not on anyone in real life. He claims it's "better than what I see at most of the clubs." I'm sure that's true, but it doesn't mean his line is any good; just that the stuff people wear to clubs sucks even more. The pocket dress looks better than I thought it would, although having her whip a tube of lipstick out of one of the pockets and stick it in another is just lame. Fashion shows really shouldn't have props. DJ Eric says it's "rock and roll with a zipper in the back, with pleats." Because nothing says "rock and roll" like zippers and pleats. There's a new dress for the distressed look that's really simple and unexceptional. It looks like the model just got out of the shower and wrapped an ugly shiny blue towel around herself, but made sure to wrap it really tight. And short. And there's the evening gown, which looks like something a belly dancer might wear. Jaime Pressly scowls. She does not look like she's having any fun whatsoever.
Kathy is the last to go. The audience applauds her enthusiastically because after this they all get to go home. Kathy lamely thanks "the animal kingdom," "Mother Nature," and "you guys." No shout out to burnt sage there, Kathy? Or feathers? How soon we forget the little people. First out is the hated red ruffle dress. After all that drama, it looks great and Kathy is happy with it. Even Jaime Pressly looks slightly less angry. The pocket dress came out great, too, despite Jim's car's best efforts. The evening gown is a long, narrow black dress with a beautiful blue fabric lining the inside and an open back. I really like it. Kathy says she'd love to design her own fashion line to go along with her jewelry line.
After the break, the audience is gone and it's time for the judging. Merle's models walk out first. DSquared2 like the shape and design of the ruffle dress but quibble over the ruffle layout. Lisa Kline calls the pocket outfit "crappy." Oh, I'm sorry -- she said "crafty." It totally sounded like she said "crappy," though. She likes how short the skirt can be, especially since Merle's line is kinda matronly. DSquared2 don't like the bright pink material Merle used for the shirt, since it hasn't been used in any other of her pieces. Oh, so she should just use the same fabric over and over again like DJ Eric and Kathy? Please. Finally, there's the evening gown. It took Stefani's breath away. She could not love it more. Lisa Kline agrees. Merle then shows off her re-do outfits. First up is the wild card look. Merle turned the dress into a blouse and gave it pants that match the black jacket. The judges seem to think it's an improvement, although I never got what was wrong with the outfit in the first place. The convertible 3-piece outfit that almost got her booted off the show is changed into a jersey fabric skirt that looks like the model just tied a sheet around her waist. Not good. But Merle clearly thinks she has this in the bag.
DJ Eric's models walk out. Lisa Kline claims that his line has a "mass appeal." I hope not. I don't want to think that the majority of women out there are looking at his outfits and thinking "I WANT IT!" DSquared2 say that while Galina "guided" DJ Eric, the line ultimately reflects his ideas and concepts. DJ Eric's ruffle dress gets praise from DSquared2 and Lisa Kline, who says it would "sell all day" at her store. up is DJ Eric's stupid lipstick pocket dress, which DSquared2 call "cute" but not their favorite piece. Lisa Kline, on the other hand, says having pockets in a dress is a great idea because she hates having to bring her pocketbook to clubs. Um, Lisa Kline, aren't you like 50? Stop going to clubs. Everyone else is making fun of you behind your back. And then, the evening gown. Stefani thinks it's worth doing the ab exercises necessary to wear it. DSquared2 say it would turn heads in a club. Well, so would walking into a club covered in dog shit. Or a dress with pockets full of lipstick, probably. As for DJ Eric's re-do outfits, he did a completely new distressed dress because the original one just wasn't tight enough. He also got rid of that religious services trench coat and replaced it with a poncho-style jacket that better matches the skirt.
Kathy is the last to go. DSquared2 say they can see Kathy's jewelry designer roots in her "jewel-toned" outfits. Stefani calls it "very smart," while sounding like she totally hates it. Kathy shows off the ruffle dress first. I can't see any ruffles in it because the red is so bright and my TV so crappy that it kind of all blends together on the screen for me. DSquared2 like it, as does Stefani, who calls it a "knockout." She's said that about like eight outfits so far, though. She also calls it an "homage" to Valentino. Hush your mouth, Stefani! We all know that only Roberto can do a proper homage to Valentino. She also says it's "the perfect length," as Emil does his best not to say "Ha ha, fuck you, Kathy!" The pocket dress is shown , and Kathy gives the credit for the hidden pockets to "Jim's genius." "That's called partnership!" DSquared2 say. What isn't called partnership is leaving someone high and dry for five and a half hours because of fake car trouble. That's called "being a douche." Kathy's evening gown is the "backwards kimono" style she was going on about last week. I thought it would be terrible, but again, it looks great. DSquared2 like it and the way Kathy was able to use it to better integrate the tentacle dress into her line. As for the re-dos, Kathy removed the tentacles from the tentacle dress and replaced the red lining and belt with bronze. With that, the contestants are dismissed so the judges can talk.
Merle is discussed first. Her pros are her stunning long dresses, but Stefani points out that all the removable parts of her outfits are sure to wind up all over the place in a store on a busy day. Good thing it's being sold online! But Stefani did like the convertibility aspect of Merle's line and the clever ways she pulled it off. DSquared2, on the other hand, are sick of seeing detachable dress hems. As for DJ Eric, he had a clear idea of his customer and grew throughout the process of this show. Good thing it's called Learn And Grow. Oh, wait, it's not. It's called Launch My Line. So DJ Eric shouldn't get extra credit for doing slightly more work at the end than he did at the beginning. Stefani thinks the line was "redundant" and made ten looks out of six. But they all love the disco ball and the ruffle dress. Kathy gets faint praise in the beginning before the judges get right into talking about her negatives -- specifically, the no-longer-tentacle dress and the distressed look. Stefani talks about how marketable Kathy's fabrics are as DSquared2 totally try to listen to a producer telling him what to say via his earpiece. All the judges praise the simplicity of Kathy's fabrics and designs. And then, suddenly, they've reached a decision on the winner.
After the break, it's the moment we've all sort of been waiting for! Whose line will be launched? Which expert designer gets $50,000? They call out DJ Eric first and say ... it's not him! YES! FINALLY. That should have happened like two months ago. He and Galina leave the stage and it's between Kathy and Merle. Thai and Merle hold hands while waiting for the decision while Kathy and Emil keep their hands to themselves. DSquared2 call out Kathy and say... her line has been LAUNCHED! Oh, and Merle is shocked. Her jaw literally drops. I have never seen someone look so surprised. She isn't even going to pretend to be happy for Kathy. Way to be a sorer loser than the club DJ, Merle. Oh, but she is clapping for Kathy and Emil in a later shot. In an interview, Merle looks BUMMED OUT as she says, "Wow, we didn't win." But then she decides that since no one told her "your line has been dropped," she still won. Heh heh. Remember how Hilary Clinton kept campaigning even when it was ridiculously obvious that Obama would get the nomination? Merle is kind of like that. Emil is slightly emotional in an interview as he says he's really proud of Kathy and it meant everything to him to see her so happy in victory. Aw, hugs! And her models walk out with champagne and glasses! Emil proposes a toast to all the "beautiful women" clothes are made for in the first place. Kathy interviews that it almost feels like she gave birth to her Native Rose line as DSquared2 give her a final "love your work." And if you loved Kathy's work, it's not quite so simple as just going to the website and buying your own hidden zebra pocket dress. You have to register and become a member and stuff. No way am I going through all of that and dealing with the junk e-mails that will no doubt ensue. So for me, at least, Launch My Line has been dropped.
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You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.