The teams arrive at the studio. They have quite a bit of time this round with 55 hours, so they have no problem wasting it by discussing L. Marilyn and Coco, complete with a flashback to Coco being her awful, passive-aggressive, sabotaging bitch self just in case we forgot that L. Marilyn deserved so much better and that none of what happened last week was her fault. Team Dandy focus on Merle's "kangaroo dress" and how horrible it was. Absolutely delighted, Roberto interviews that "that is one of the ugliest fashion mistakes that anybody on fashion TV will ever see." That's an exaggeration, but considering all the shit Merle talks about everyone else, it's deserved. Louanna finally discovers an envelope addressed to the "designers." There's a razor in front of it. It's time for the Suicide Challenge! It's the Season Finale! Hooray! Actually, it's a note from DSquared2, who couldn't be bothered to show up this morning. To their own show. That they host. Um. Instead, they order the designers to grab three yards of one of their fabrics and get in a van for a field trip. I don't know about you, but if creepy guys like DSquared2 told me to get in a van with no certain destination, I would not. Stranger danger.
The van brings the contestants to Citizens of Humanity, where we see how jeans are made. Basically, they make them and then they destroy them. I don't get it either, but I still buy them and pay way too much besides. The contestants meet Lisa Kline in a nicer area of the factory. She says DSquared2 are "busy working" today. Working? Um, excuse me but I thought this was their job. You don't see me ditching out on this weecap because I have to do a recap for House, do you? No. Hell, I recapped Survivoron goddamn Christmas. And I'm weecapping this show in the early hours of the morning because my stupid Tivo recorded the Steven Seagal reality show instead of the first showing of this, so I had to wait for it to come on again at midnight. So the least DSquared2 could do is show the hell up. Anyway, Lisa Kline says this is "the premiere denim distressing house of Los Angeles." I think it's also the premiere place that needs to have a title, however specific. Merle informs us that she hates denim. "Denim is for farmers," she explains. How old is Merle, anyway? Even my grandma accepts that jeans are fashionable everyday wear. Kathy, on the other hand, loves jeans because she's cool. Even though she burns sage in closed spaces.
Lisa Kline tells the contestants that they'll be using distressed fabrics in their design this week. Both the Dandy and Louanna wonder how they'll be able to distress the fabrics they brought with them. In walks the CEO of Citizens of Humanity to give them some advice. Hey, Citizens of Humanity CEO -- I've got a question for you! Why don't you make jeans for short people? Because I really can't justify spending $150 on a pair of your jeans that's 3 inches too long for me. I'm really sick of wearing away the back cuff of all my jeans because you people can't make petite sizes. Fix this! CEO takes them around the distressing factory to show them various techniques, but his heavy French accent makes him impossible for the contestants to understand. With that, they head into another room where they'll get to distress the fabrics they brought. Merle pats herself on the back for being lucky enough to bring a heavy fabric that lends itself well to the distressing process, which for her is basically fraying the edges. Louanna decides to do some pleating on her fabric. So she irons it. DJ Eric is totally lost without Galina there to tell him what to do, so he takes a blowtorch to his fabric. Uh oh! There's some drama when Louanna looks up to see Kathy ironing her fabric -- just like Louanna was doing to hers! THAT BITCH! How dare she steal Louanna's idea of ironing! Louanna interviews that she "had to put a stop to that" and "no pleating for you." And then she... does nothing. What the hell. I was hoping for an iron in Kathy's face, the way Louanna was talking.
The Dandy takes his own turn with the blowtorch and burns a bunch of holes in his fabric. Some more drama doesn't happen when he accidentally knocks the propane tank onto the floor and... nothing happens. This is going to be a long episode, you guys. Since the contestants can't be trusted to distress their own fabrics, they return to the studio. With 45 hours remaining (they spent TEN HOURS burning silk charmeuse at Citizens of Humanity?? Maybe the traffic was really bad), they explain the challenge to their experts and show off the distressing work they did. Lisa Kline walks in to explain why there was a razor blade on the table: it, along with various other tools as well as a rock, can be used to distress the contestants' fabrics even more if necessary. With that, it's time to say what they'll be using as their inspiration. Lisa Kline claims this will be a "big" announcement. Bigger than The Lady Gaga??? This is not possible!
After the break, we get a huge letdown when Lisa Kline says the contestants' inspiration will be each other. Everyone groans, because these people seriously hate each other. DJ Eric informs us that Kathy is a jewelry designer and Merle is a fashion critic, just in case someone happened to tune in without having seen the opening credits or any episodes. Thanks, DJ Obvious! The contestants pick amongst themselves. You'd think that last week's winner would get first choice, but since DJ Eric won last week and his stuff sucks, I'm not complaining. Louanna gets Kathy, while Merle takes Louanna, thus crapping all over Kathy's attempt to take Louanna. Kathy shrugs and picks the Dandy instead, but he's already been taken by DJ Eric, who has been picked by Team Dandy in return. Thus, Kathy is stuck with Merle.
The teams go off to brainstorm. Kathy tells us that Merle likes things from the '30s and poetry. Wow, Merle sounds like no fun at all. As for Merle, she wants to make a dress that uses the asymmetry found in many of Louanna's designs. Louanna and Jim come up with "a wrinkled pillowcase top" and "jeans." Hmm. Not sure about that one. Or what a "wrinkled pillowcase top" is. But if they're trying to say that using actual pillowcases as shirts is now fashionable, I am all for it. It would make getting dressed in the morning so much easier. Team Dandy want to make something with a "sexy rock and roll quality." But DJ Eric doesn't play rock and roll. He just plays shitty club music. Dandy also makes quite a stretch in saying they're using bright red fabric because DJ Eric is Latino, and is therefore "red hot." You know, if they really wanted to use DJ Eric as inspiration, they should just have Roberto do all the work. And then end up with the same crappy skimpy dress that J. Lo wore ten years ago every single week. As for DJ Eric, his brilliant plan is to make "a dress." Don't worry, though, because Galina is back on the job! She says they can make it a long dress because the Dandy is tall. That's actually less of a stretch than Dandy's thing about using spicy Latino colors.
The Trim Room opens. Kathy grabs some blue fabric she wants to use as a liner for her dress while Louanna struggles to make sure she gets some denim for her jeans. And that's all for the Trim Room. Every week, it gets less and less exciting.
Team Dandy take a break from their work to look at what DJ Eric and Galina are doing. Roberto doesn't like it, of course, saying that they're taking Team Dandy's gothic-inspired designs "too far." Especially since Team Dandy maintain that they aren't gothic. Kathy uses the large rock to scrape away at her fabric, making it look like silk. Jim asks her how she likes her jeans. She says "high-waisted," but only if she "had the body for it." Since when could you not have the body for high-waisted pants? Don't old people wear those all the time? And they don't have awesome bodies. Jim interviews his credentials, which is an early warning sign that he'll be going home tonight. As the teams prepare to head out for the night, Thai tells Louanna that she's crazy to think she can make jeans in such a short amount of time. Uh oh. Thai's the fastest guy there by a factor of like 10, so if he says something can't be done in time, then it cannot be done. Louanna is clearly rattled, and Merle doesn't help when she swings by to put her unsolicited two cents in: "that's a lot of work. Big time work."
The morning, there are 29 hours to go. Jim and Louanna need all the time they can get, as Louanna interviews that she had no idea jeans took so much work to make. Way to not pay attention at the jeans factory, Louanna. Thai knows even more about how to make jeans than Louanna and Jim do, saying even if they got the jeans finished, you still have to treat the denim. We leave him and Merle to cackle evilly over Louanna's misfortune and head over to Kathy and Emil. They're working on a short cocktail dress. At DJ Eric's station, he shows off his Latino roots by saying "no bueno" when he has trouble using a drill to distress his fabric.
DSquared2 decide to stop by their own show and head for DJ Eric's station first. He tells them that his inspiration is Dandy. He and Galina want to incorporate Dandy's tendency to wear ties by giving their outfit a tie, but DSquared2 shoot that right down for being too contrived. As soon as they walk away, DJ Eric and Galina agree to get rid of the tie. DSquared2 head to Team Dandy's station , where the Dandy says he was inspired by DJ Eric's "red hot disco inferno" something or other. What happened to his red hot Latino-ness? They show off their "distressed" red fabric, which DSquared2 clearly don't like. Yes, well, there's "distressed" and then there's "I got stuck in a fire." Dandy should really know the difference between the two by now.
DSquared2 go to Louanna's station . She tells them that she was inspired by the trip to Citizens of Humanity and got the denim fabric from "the Notion Room." What the hell is a "Notion Room?" I'm pretty sure it's called The Trim Room. Pay attention, Louanna. They'll use the pink pleated fabric she brought with her to the factory to make a top, although Louanna doesn't think they'll have time to do any draping with it. You'd think she just told DSquared2 that their mom died by the way they (and the sound effects) react. Totally disgusted with Louanna, they run over to Kathy. Kathy is going to use one of her stupid feathers in her dress as a "quill" for her inspiration Merle, who is a writer. Ah, yes. That's totally right on. As a writer myself, I often use quills. She wants to stick it in the belt somehow. DSquared2 tell her to consider using the blue dress lining in the belt as well, and Kathy gets right to work on that. Emil doesn't like this at all, saying they already agreed on what the belt was going to look like. DSquared2 laugh at the shit they just stirred up and take off. Kathy accuses Emil of throwing her under the bus in front of DSquared2. If Kathy and Emil are fighting, it's a fight between the chillest people ever. I bet the producers regret sending the drama-filled L. Marilyn and Coco home now.
For the DVR-fooling interstitial segment, we learn a little bit about Thai's high school days. He joined the track and field team just to get the uniform. He tries to explain what made his school's track uniforms so desirable, but he can't, because track uniforms are really never very attractive. Meanwhile, I joined my high school's golf team so my extra curriculars would look good for college. Tragically, my team then went undefeated for all four years of high school and won state championships and stuff, so I ended up having to put in effort and learn how to play golf so I wouldn't be the asshole who ruined everything. So here is a tip from me to you: if you're only joining a sports team so you'll look well-rounded on your college applications, make sure it's not one of the best teams in the country. Because then you'll be trapped. Also, our uniforms were even uglier than the track team's.
Back from the break, we return to Kathy and Emil's non-drama. Kathy voiceovers something about feeling like she's in the middle of a horror film. And then, as quickly as it began, the non-drama ends with Emil agreeing with Kathy's suggestion about putting the blue fabric in the belt and apologizing for being short with her. Well, that was a big nothing. Certainly not worth going to commercial for. This is like when Nancy Drew books used to have to end every chapter on a suspenseful note so she'd be about to get killed by a falling bookcase, only to easily step out of the way as soon as the chapter began. It was disappointing when I was 10, and it's disappointing now.
Merle takes some time to hate on Team Dandy's dress, saying she doesn't think a woman would be caught dead in it because it's "very sexual." "You look like you're looking for BLEEP," she says. Wait, what? What did she say that got bleeped? "Looking for a fuck?" "Looking for a place to take a shit?" "Looking for your head up your own ass?" What a mystery! But Merle's not the only one talking BLEEP -- Louanna runs over to Kathy to talk about how ugly the jacket Merle is making is, and how it scares her that she's supposed to be the inspiration for it. Meanwhile, doesn't she have some jeans to sew? Shouldn't that scare her? Priorities, people! Louanna interviews that Merle's color line is boring and she'd never wear the jacket they designed. Kind of like how their model will never wear the jeans they designed, because there's no way they'll be finished in time.
At DJ Eric's station, I see Galina has chosen yet another ugly fabric. Merle says it looks just as cheap as everything else they've made. Over at Team Dandy, Roberto is having trouble figuring out how the fabrics on their dress should fall. He says he's too tired to concentrate. So they all leave for the night.
The morning, there are just five and a half hours to go. Roberto took advantage of the time away from the studio to put some fabulous curls in his hair. [He's never too tired for curls! - Zach] Team Dandy decide to make their dress much shorter than it was before, which also makes it easier to see how it was inspired by DJ Eric. They hack off the front of the dress and Roberto says their design is saved. Thai and Merle work on the convertible aspect of their design. Since Merle's been productive for three seconds, she must counter that with more time-wasting shit-talking, this time about Kathy. She says the back of Kathy's dress swoops down way too low, and no woman would go to a dinner with her butt hanging out like that. Between that and Team Dandy's "too sexual" dress, I'm starting to think that Merle is a prude. Meanwhile, Louanna and Jim have actually made a pair of jeans! And they look like real jeans, too! But now they have very little time to complete the rest of the outfit.
Apparently, Merle had nothing further to say about that, so we cut to the arrival of the models. Fitting happens. Jim basically has to sew the top onto the model because he has so little time. With one hour to go, the models get their hair and make-up done at the Product Placement salon. And then there are just 10 minutes left for the teams to put the finishing distressed touches on their designs. Or, in Jim's case, to still be trying to sew the top together.
Fashion show time! DJ Eric's design comes out first. It looks like everything else he's ever done, although this time the dress is slightly longer and there's a silver vest. Oh, and these pinkish-red high heels that really clash. So ugly. Of course, DJ Eric claims that it looks great. The Dandy says he likes DJ Eric's design, but doesn't see how he inspired it, as it is decidedly un-Dandy. Merle is up . Louanna might have hated the brown jacket, but I think it looks good, especially over that dress. The model takes the jacket off and unties straps in the back of the dress to convert it into a shoulderless dress with a belt. It's hard to describe here, but it looks good. I like it.
Kathy's model comes out. The dress is baggy at the top but fitted at and below the waist. I am not a fan of that style, but the backless part looks good and the model's ass is nowhere near hanging out like Merle said it would. Shockingly, Merle then interviews that she really liked Kathy's dress and the way she distressed her fabric. She quickly adds that anyone going to dinner in it would need a jacket, just in case we thought Merle was going soft. Also, is she hungry or something? Why does she keep talking about wearing dresses to dinner? Louanna's model walks out in some nice, seemingly well-fitted jeans and a boring pink blousy tube top. Kathy says she loved Louanna's jeans and the fact that she inspired them. Out comes Team Dandy's model. Oh, no. Why is she wearing hideous lace leggings? They might have worked when the dress was long, but now that it's short they look bad. The dress itself, though, I like. Although I think they've used that front pattern in at least two other dresses. DJ Eric claims that he likes the dress, but it wasn't short enough for him. Yes, well, we can't all design dresses with hems that brush the bottom of the model's lady bits.
The fashion show is over and it's time for the results. DJ Eric is called out as safe for this round. UGH. He'll never be eliminated! He'll win this whole stupid show with his awful outdated clubwear! That leaves the other four in the "interesting" category. Merle's model walks out first. Lisa Kline says she likes it and thinks it would sell in her stores. "But let's be honest, Lisa Kline," Stefani begins. I love how Lisa Kline is so important that she must be referred to by her first and last name at all times. Stefani continues that the convertible aspect of the dress might be too complicated for customers, because apparently only dumbasses buy clothes in Stefani's world. Merle says they'll include instructions with the dress. "It doesn't even have to have any writing, just pictures," she says. Obviously, Merle has never had to deal with IKEA assembly instructions, which also have no writing and just pictures and can be harder to decipher than hieroglyphics without a Rosetta Stone. Despite Stefani's complaints, I think Merle is safe this week.
The Dandy is up . Stefani says she's not sure if the dress is "red hot sexy" or if it belongs in the Red Light District. I went to the Red Light District in Amsterdam once. Obviously, Stefani has never actually been to the Red Light District. DSquared2 agree with me that they don't like the tights. Lisa Kline thinks they went overboard with the distressing, to the point that the dress just looks damaged. DSquared2 pick up on the fact that Roberto basically chopped the front off and say the front combined with the bustle and train in the back make it look unbalanced, although they do like the fabric Dandy used as well as the design of the back of the dress.
Louanna is up . She says they used a rose color for the top because their inspiration was Kathy Rose. "Clever," Stefani claims. Yes, it is clever. If you live in Stefani's world of dumbasses who don't know how to work a dress. Also if you don't know that Louanna picked that rose fabric well before she knew she had to use Kathy has her inspiration. Stefani praises Jim's jeans, saying he used many difficult techniques in a very short amount of time. Seriously - those jeans look really good. DSquared2 knock Louanna's outfit for being more "reality" than "runway." Jim speaks up to take the blame for that, saying they didn't have enough time to make the top really special because the jeans took too long. Lisa Kline ignores him and says she would have liked to see them do a little more with the shirt. Stefani agrees, saying her typical dumbass customer has the attention span of gnat, so you have wow her immediately or lose the sale. Kathy's dress is the last to come out. Kathy explains her distressing technique and how it made their cheap fabric look expensive and nice. The judges all agree with her on that. Lisa Kline says she loves the "sexy" back of Kathy's dress, so suck on that, Puritan Merle! She thinks it would sell, but DSquared2 say the placement of the belt is a bit too low and they don't like the feather.
After a short huddle, Merle and Kathy are called out as the top two. And the winner is... Merle! I approve; hers really was probably my favorite. Kathy pouts, even though it's not like she lost or anything. That leaves Dandy and Louanna as the bottom two. I fail to see how DJ Eric's dress was better than either of their designs. The judges head back to take a closer look. Team Dandy is up first. The judges discuss how they have a "slight couture edge" with their designs. Stefani points out that the entire line is cohesive. Lisa Kline wonders if that's the only reason why Team Dandy is still here. Well, there is the fact that they fight and thus add drama. "I do not see any good design in any of these things," DSquared2 say. [Any? What does that say about the judges who kept putting them through to the round? - Z] Ouch. I don't see how Team Dandy can survive tonight after that. They check out Louanna's outfit . DSquared2 don't like that Louanna's top didn't have more volume to make a stronger statement against the jeans. Stefani hates Louanna, and says she has "no concrete vision" and she can't see how Louanna's designs make for one cohesive fashion line. DSquared2 say Louanna makes "clothes that people can wear." And that is important. You really want the things you wear to be things you can wear.
After the break, it's time to find out who is going home. Not Team Dandy! We need them for drama now that L. Marilyn and Coco are gone! Everyone else is boring except for Merle, and even I am getting sick of her negativity! And I'm like the most negative person on the planet, so that's really saying something! DSquared2 say that Louanna's pieces are "commercial," but her outfit tonight wasn't new or creative. That's a good point, actually. Now that I think about it, that top really does looks like something I'd see at a Forever 21. But so does everything DJ Eric designs, and they all seem to love him. As for the Dandy, his line is cohesive, but he went overboard with the distressing. DSquared2 call out Louanna, and she is... safe. NO! NO!!! That means Team Dandy is gone! How will I stay awake through this show now??? ALL I HAVE IS MERLE. The Dandy's good-bye speech thanks Roberto and everyone else and says he's learned a lot. DSquared2 also single Roberto out for praise. He bows in his bright red poncho and cane. "You're a great designer," DSquared2 say, even though behind his back they said none of his pieces had good design. Roberto takes full advantage of Dandy's moment, thanking everyone and saying he enjoyed watching everyone transform and grow, especially his and Dandy's relationship. He says he thinks Dandy now has the skills, knowledge and ability to come up with his own fashion line. The Dandy looks stunned and flattered. They leave the stage arm-in-arm and head back to the studio, where they totally steal the props from their station, including the hourglass that they've been referring to as the "time machine." Hahahaha! I'm totally going to start calling my clocks time machines. The Dandy is headed back to New York, while Roberto says he's returning to Venus. Venus is chock full of volcanoes, and Roberto was born on a volcano, so this makes sense. The Dandy finally gets a chance to speak, saying he's happy he made it as long as he did and "Dandy is as Dandy does." He walks out underneath the time machine, which starts the countdown again.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what Other Celebrity Fashion Lines we'd like to see!
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.