Launch My Line ruins Christmas for me by airing a new episode on December 23rd when I'm trying to enjoy precious family time! But since I'm at my parents' house, I get to watch it in ~HD~. So these outfits had better not be horrible. There are just 28 hours to go until the launch, but that doesn't stop everyone from wasting time consuming breakfast carbs. Galina talks to Lady Jumpsuit, who is wearing a purple headband that matches her sleeves. Clearly, she has learned nothing. Tressa interviews that Lady Jumpsuit has a good vision and she just needs to bring that "into garments that other people can understand." How about Lady Jumpsuit understands that her clothes are butt-ugly and the reason why no one dresses like her is because no one wants to, so why on Earth would anyone want to buy a line of clothes based on them?
DSquared2 saunter in. They look even creepier in HD than they do in SD. They say that this week, the teams will be creating an asymmetrical outfit for a night on the town. Louanna is happy about this, because her line is all about asymmetry. As is her face, so it all makes sense. DSquared2 continue that they'll have their models' measurements, not like that means anything as we saw last week when the real models differed quite a bit from the measurements they supplied. I say no more lying models! As the time ticks down, DSquared2 say it's time to get their inspiration, which they'll need to keep an open mind because "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." We cut immediately to Lady Jumpsuit sneering away to prove this point.
The contestants enter a large room full of very modern furnishings and/or art pieces. Lady Jumpsuit is wearing a necklace that says "cancer" on it. Okay, even if that was your astrological sign, would you really want to wear it on a necklace like that? DSquared2 say this art is not their inspiration. Instead, a bunch of people walk in and take their clothes off. OH COME ON. Really? On the one day that I have an HDTV, this show has a bunch of "normal" people take their clothes off? And how come all the women are young and have good figures while the men are ... uh ... not? Like, there's one guy there who is probably working as a Santa in the mall right now. "Are you fucking kidding me?" Kathy asks. IT GETS WORSE! While they blur out the front bits, the back is there for all of us to see. So now I get to see the fat old guy's butt. In HD. Merle reveals that she was a nude model in college. DJ Eric says that Dandy seemed to be enjoying the view. Um, no. I'm pretty sure there's nothing there for Dandy to enjoy. DSquared2 say the contestants will be getting their inspiration from the nude body. Shape, color, or, as DSquared2 say while staring creepily at one male model's blurred area, "elongated lines." Oh, and each contestant has to choose one of the models. DJ Eric doesn't want to get one of the men. No one wants the old guy. Once the models have been selected, they go off to different parts of the room and use the furniture there as props to pose on for the contestants. I hope they disinfected that place as soon as shooting wrapped.
Merle is inspired by her model's skin and shoulder and not, somehow, the giant mole. Dandy claims he was staring at his male model's ink black tattoos only. This is the same guy that DSquared2 were talking about elongated lines with, and then Kathy says something about jump ropes, so it would seem that he's well-endowed. Or paid the show a good amount of money to devote precious time into making it seem that way. Kathy's model, on the other hand, is the old guy, who immediately lies on the carpet with his legs spread. "Sir, you don't have to put your legs that wide," Kathy pleads in an interview. Despite the fact that she burns sage in a closed space, I like her. Louanna's model, unlike Kathy's, makes sure to pose in such a way that his junk isn't on display, which she appreciates.
The contestants return to the studio and try to describe their terrifying ordeal with normal-looking naked people to the designers, who are disgusted, of course. Galina gets to work immediately on making up a design for DJ Eric using the same butt-ugly fabrics they've used in designs. I'm guessing that's because Galina refuses to work with any of the fabrics DJ Eric picked out without her. Louanna and Jim decide to use her model's blackness as inspiration for a design using dark brown fabrics. Merle wants to use her model's "tan" skin and "pinkish" mouth as inspiration. And it'll be a gown that turns into a cocktail dress. You know, Merle's line is starting to remind me of that episode of The Simpsons when Marge got that Chanel suit and then made 30 outfits out of it. Over at Team Dandy, Roberto is taking the asymmetrical theme further than Patrick would like. He just wants to sew! Or rather, tell Roberto to sew.
Time ticks down and now it's time for L. Marilyn and Coco to argue about something. L. Marilyn has a vision for her outfit that Coco, of course, doesn't understand. It's also time for Lady Jumpsuit to horrify us -- and especially her designer -- with another terrible idea. She wants to "accentuate" the hips of her outfit with a different material, like how her nude model had big belly dancer hips. Because what woman doesn't want to wear something that accentuates her hips, right? I know I do!
Suddenly, the trim room is open! It's a free-for-all as the contestants rush to grab the ugliest things they can find! I see Emil is standing just outside the room and telling Kathy what to get, which seems kind of against the spirit of the trim room to me. Tragically for Tressa, Lady Jumpsuit found a bunch of fur trim. The trim room closes before she can go back for anything else, causing her to pout. The designers attempt to work with the crap the contestants brought back for them. Roberto and Dandy are working well together for a change, so we head over to Kathy, who mentions her nude model and that means we have to see a flashback of him. Uh, no. Don't do that again, Kathy.
Suddenly again, DSqaured2 return with Very Important News! So important, in fact, that it gets a commercial break.
For the DVR-tricking interstitial, we get more of Merle hating Galina from afar. DJ Eric wonders why they call them "pinking shears," and Roberto says something that has to do with Peter Sellers and/or homosexuality. Merle makes fun of him, too.
And the Very Important News is: the winner of this week's challenge gets immunity week! Well, that's fair, since the winner of last week's challenge got absolutely nothing, not even the first choice in a nude model. Everyone talks about how great immunity is, as if we at home didn't understand.
Then DSquared2 wander around the studio. They stop at DJ Eric and Galina's station and wonder if it's "necessary" to recycle two different fabrics, by which they both mean "why two butt-ugly fabrics instead of your usual one?" "I don't know," DJ Eric mumbles. Over at Merle's station, she explains that her inspiration was the way her nude model showed off her shoulder and arm, and that her outfit is for attending both the Oscars and the Vanity Fair party afterwards.
And then it's over to Lady Jumpsuit's station, where I see she's making yet another ugly outfit. DSquared2 try to hint at this to her, but she doesn't get it, so it will continue to be ugly. At Louanna's station, DSquared2 don't seem to think her design is fancy enough for a night on the town. They take off, and Louanna wonders if they were saying she was supposed to make a gown. No, they said "night on the town," and you made a high-waisted skirt that looks like something a teacher would wear.
Lady Jumpsuit decides to use just her ugly, ugly gold fabric for her dress, which will have giant pockets on the hips because that's one thing I know I'm always complaining about when it comes to dresses: no pockets, let alone special hip-accentuating GIANT pockets.
Back with Louanna, she wants to use a nicer material for the top of her design, but Jim says there's no time for that. Dandy interviews that Lou is making "a lunch outfit." More like "a lunch lady outfit."
We jump over to Merle, who doesn't like the cocktail dress the gown converts to no matter how many different things Thai tries to do to it. Thai says that "Meryl" was getting on his nerves with her constant demands. Well, maybe if you knew her name, she wouldn't boss you around so much. With that, the contestants and designers leave for the day.
They return with 5 hours to go until launch. Louanna got some sleep and decided that there was no need to change her original design just because DSquared2 think everyone goes out for the night in an evening gown. Merle has suddenly come up with a new way to make both of her designs work, but they don't have much time to do it. Thai says he's a very fast sewer and isn't worried.
With two hours to go, the models enter. Of course, Merle's model is slightly larger than her measurements, so she'll be punished by not being able to wear her thick granny panties on the runway. Lady Jumpsuit's model, meanwhile, doesn't see how "a few inches" could make a difference in an outfit that has been CUSTOM MADE for her (false) measurements. Stupid model! Also, is Lady Jumpsuit's fly down? DJ Eric thinks the dress looks "dope" on his model, but also worries that it looks too much like his first design. You know, since he (well, Galina) used the same exact fabric. So of course it would. Roberto laughs at her.
The models go to the Product Placement salon, now with more product placement! Then they go back to the stations. Louanna wishes she'd chosen a fancier fabric for her top, but it's too late now! Only 10 minutes left. Then 5. Galina says her and DJ Eric's model is on her way to a Justin Timberlake concert. Um, who wears a gown to that? It's not the fucking opera. Time's up!
Fashion show! DJ Eric's design is up first. It looks like everything else Galina has done for him so far, but even uglier. The bottom is just a little bit too short with the long sleeve, making it appear as though the model forgot to put pants on. Merle's dress is, as usual, beautiful. I would wear that. The model then removes the ruffled bottom section just above the knees to reveal the cocktail dress, which also looks great. Except then the model just drags it behind her on the way out, which upsets me. It's going to get dirty!
L. Marilyn's outfit is an indigo-ish color with lots of asymmetrical draping. She's like the opposite of Galina, who takes ugly, busy printed fabrics and does nothing interesting with them. L. Marilyn takes beautiful solid color fabrics and gives them hoods and drapes and really shows how you can do a lot with very little.
Team Dandy's model is wearing a black dress with a floral pattern on just one side. There's not a whole lot on top and a large, flowing skirt on the bottom. The floral pattern continues down the opposite side on the bottom. I like it, and they didn't even have to fight to make it!
Louanna's model is wearing a brown skirt with a white top off of one shoulder. Also, a belt and boots. Her concerns about it not being fancy enough seem unwarranted in the end, as this looks fine. Then again, I've been known to hit the town in jeans.
Oh, no, Kathy. No. That is not good. She took asymmetrical too far. The entire dress is at, like, an angle that makes me think I'm having vision problems rather than the model is wearing something edgy and cool. Also, I see no fat, naked old man in there. Kathy thinks it's amazing, though.
Lady Jumpsuit's dress is not as ugly as some of her other designs, but it's not great, either. The model shoves her hands in the stupid pockets. I don't like where the dress ends. It's either too long or not long enough. "Those pockets are insanity," Lady Jumpsuit says. She means that in a good way. No. Oh, and when the model takes her hands out of the pockets, it looks even worse.
The fashion show is over and now it's time for the judging. L. Marilyn and Team Dandy are in the safe zone and get to leave. But no immunity for them! On the way out, Roberto gives Dandy a kiss and says "Well done." I love that Roberto, like, made his own redemption arc on this show.
As for the other five, they were "interesting." DJ Eric speaks first and has to try to explain the outfit that he had no part in creating. Lisa Kline does not like the fact that they used the same fabric as before, but says she does like the "sexiness" of DJ Eric's ugly clothes from the early '90s. Stefani feels the same way, saying it's like DJ Eric played three songs from one album. And you're telling me they don't do that? Have you been to a club lately, Stefani? They play like half of Lady Gaga's shitty album. Lady Jumpsuit is up . For the 50th time, Lady Jumpsuit talks about her nude model's big hips. Boy, I'll bet that model loved watching this episode. DSquared2 finally point out what I've been saying all along: WOMEN DON'T WANT THEIR HIPS ACCENUATED, YOU IDIOT. Women Lisa Kline and Stefani agree. Not only that, but Lady Jumpsuit also recycled a fabric she used in her first design, although DSqaured2 say it looks better here than it did as that stupid giant heart thing.
Louanna is . She says her snakeskin belt was inspired by her nude model's dragon tattoo (I like that connection she made). Stefani love the asymmetrical zipper placement on the skirt, but Lisa Kline thinks this looks more like a lunch outfit than a "night out" outfit. Louanna snarks that she didn't "get the memo" that by "night out," they meant the most fancy gala event ever. Stefani opens her mouth, but says nothing. She's been rendered speechless by Louanna's excellent point. Jim points out that they already did an asymmetrical evening dress in their first design.
Merle's model comes out. She says that she and Thai shot for the stars or whatever today, and DSquared2 praise her for taking this competition seriously. Lisa Kline thinks the way the dress converted into a cocktail dress was clever. I agree, although this isn't something I haven't seen before. Didn't Britney Spears' wedding dress convert from a gown for the ceremony to a cocktail for the reception? And then she went car shopping in it two years later?
And then, Kathy. Lisa Kline likes the slit on the bottom and Stefani likes the scarf thing they did with the sleeve. And then we have another flashback to Kathy's nude model and they are just doing this to upset the audience. No one else had flashbacks to their model! I love how Emil describes the fat guy as "more heavyset." And while I really didn't like Kathy's dress, it's clear that the judges love it.
The judges get in their two-second whisper huddle and announce the winner. It's between Kathy and Merle, obviously. We are reminded that the winner gets immunity week and then... it's Merle! I'm happy, just because it's not Kathy. I like Kathy and all, but not that dress.
So DJ Eric, Louanna and Lady Jumpsuit (for the FOURTH FREAKING TIME IN A ROW) are the bottom three. The judges go backstage for a closer look. Lady Jumpsuit is first. "Good from far, far from good," DSquared2 say. Lisa and Stefani agree. How can Lady Jumpsuit not be going home tonight? And just because none of this is Tressa's fault, they take the time to point out that her work is "beautiful." DJ Eric is . The judges hate that he recycled fabrics. When you use such distinctive fabrics, you really can't get away with putting them in more than one dress. Stefani grabs DJ Eric's first two designs off the rack and puts them up to the dress to show just how similar they all look. "Look at me. Hi, I'm the same. This is triplets," she says. Oh, that's bound to make the DSquared2 twins feel inadequate. Perhaps DJ Eric is the one going home tonight. "He's got to make an album, not a single," DSquared2 say, and Lisa Kline thinks that's so clever that she demands a high-five. Meanwhile, DJ Eric is not a musician. He's a DJ. So he's not really making albums at all. And finally, Louanna. More whining about how her outfit isn't "night out" enough. Lisa Kline calls it "conservative" and "uptight." So? Conservative and uptight people go out at night, too.
After the break, it's time to get rid of Lady Jumpsuit for good. I mean, come on. It has to happen. It should have happened in Week One. DJ Eric is called out first. They say he isn't giving his customer enough options. Louanna made lunch instead of dinner, and Lady Jumpsuit thinks that women want giant pockets accentuating their hips. And the loser is... Lady Jumpsuit. About time! She looks at the floor. Tressa has her usual non-reaction. Lady Jumpsuit says she stayed true to her vision, heart and integrity. She doesn't thank poor Tressa for her hard work, so DSquared2 do instead. Kathy wipes away a tear, probably because without Lady Jumpsuit's outfits around and with Merle guaranteed immunity week, everyone's chances at being in the bottom three just got much better.
On her way out, Lady Jumpsuit says she has no regrets. She stayed true to who she is, and who she is has terrible taste in clothes.
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You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.