The contestants arrive at the studio and enjoy a tasty breakfast and some bitchiness care of Merle, who asks Lady Jumpsuit why the judges hate her designs so much. "They're not getting it," Lady Jumpsuit says, adding that that's been a problem for most of her life. At what point does it stop being everyone else's fault for not getting you and your fault for being really annoying with bad taste in clothes? DSquared2 wander in and do not partake of any of the breakfast foods so that they may keep their lollipop figures. DSquared2 warn the contestants that they need to start making things that "people want to buy," Lady Jumpsuit. Because most people buy hastily-made pieces of crap (let's face it, Forever 21 is popular for a reason), they're going to give the teams just 28 hours to create their design, which must be a "one-piece outfit" that is not a dress. You mean like the WOOL BATHING SUIT atrocity the architect made last week? And now they want everyone to make one? What a great idea. Lady Jumpsuit is excited about this because jumpsuits are one-piece outfits and jumpsuits are her "signature." I work at home, so my signature look is pajama pants and a sweatshirt. Which is better than Lady Jumpsuit's. I'm proud to be more fashionable than at least one person on this planet.
DSquared2 take the contestants outside for a "walk on the wild side." By which they apparently mean a picnic. Each contestant takes a basket in which they find various food items. Oh, and the Dandy gets two mice. The look on his face at this is amazing. L. Marilyn gets crickets and is even less pleased. DSquared2 leave and return with a bunch of exotic animals they apparently stole from the LA Zoo. One of them is a snake, which the Dandy does not like one bit. Even worse than the snake, though, is the tarantula, as Lady Jumpsuit points out. On this point, she and I agree. Although I have to wonder if the reason why she doesn't like tarantulas is that they have eight legs and thus look terrible in jumpsuits. Meanwhile, DSquared2 get to hang out with a cute baby zebra. No spiders for them! They say that the stuff in the contestants' baskets match what these animals eat. So Louanna, who got bananas, is paired with an adorable capuchin monkey. Merle's kale goes with a tortoise. Dandy's mice go with the snake. "Of course," Dandy sighs. Kathy's carrots go with the li'l zebra. Kevin's oats go with the llama. Lady Jumpsuit's dried apples go with the chinchilla. DJ Eric's grapes go with the toucan. I'm sorry, but that's wrong. Everyone knows that toucans only eat Froot Loops. L. Marilyn's crickets go with the tarantula. Well, that sucks for L. Marilyn. Oh, except that they don't have to feed their animals because PETA would have a shit fit over mice being fed to a python on TV. As last week's winner, DJ Eric is allowed to switch his animal with someone else's if he wants. Galina isn't around to tell him what to do, so he stays with the toucan.
The contestants go off to meet their animals and learn more about them from the handlers. Krazy Kevin tells us that his llama was named Bob. "Big Money Bob," he then says, although it's not clear if that's the llama's proper name or if Kevin gave him that nickname. Big Money Bob inspires Kevin to put a "long L" on the back of his design. Well, that already sounds terrible. Meanwhile, the Dandy has to come within 20 feet of his python. It doesn't help that the python handler is seriously creepy. Merle attempts to draw a tortoise in her sketchbook. It's a terrible drawing, but I'm sure something fantastic will come from it.
The expert-contestant teams get to work. Lady Jumpsuit explains that her design will be "like a romper shorts jumpsuit." Hideous! Merle insists on calling her tortoise a turtle, which it is not. The tortoise will be very insulted by this. Louanna is doing a "safari jumpsuit." Awesome! It's going to be the battle of the jumpsuits, and Louanna is going to win! Over at Team Dandy, Dandy tells Roberto about how he plans to incorporate the snake in his design. He says snakes make him think of green, so his outfit will be green. Even though the python was brown. Because there was no fighting at Team Dandy, we go to L. Marilyn and Coco to see if we can find some drama there. Coco has structural issues with L. Marilyn's design and thinks it needs a sleeve. Dun dun dunnnn! Oh, but L. Marilyn seems to agree and likes what Coco came up with.
Meanwhile, Kathy doesn't have any zebra fabric, so she's going with the African-ness of the zebra as her inspiration. They have what she calls a "tribal Africa fabric" that doesn't look like anything of the sort. Kevin says his outfit will be gray because the llama was gray. Even though it was brown. While his expert Akiko tries to work, he shoves some fabric in her face and makes a big deal about it while she looks like she's trying to hold herself back from killing him. Akiko interviews diplomatically that Kevin is trying to do too much with his design, and she's just going to take over and get it done herself.
DSquared2 run in to open the trim room, saying that they've put animal-inspired fabrics in there but the contestants don't have to use them because they don't want to see a literal interpretation of their animal inspiration like Kathy and her jellyfish kimono last week. The contestants run in and assault each other in their zeal to get what they need in the ten minute time limit. Kevin says "girls was turning into vigilantes," showing that he doesn't know what a vigilante is or that the female contestants are actually women. Meanwhile, the vigilante girls manage to carry huge rolls of fabrics out of the trim room, but he falls on his ass when he tries to do the same.
The trim room is closed and the teams have 25 hours left. Even though Kathy got her zebra print from the trim room, expert Emil says "it's not a good zebra print." Nor does he like that awful African tribal fabric. So he suggests making the outfit black and putting a zebra print in the belt. Kathy thinks they're playing it safe and that's a good thing after they were "crucified" for their experimental jellyfish kimono. Meanwhile, Lady Jumpsuit is worried that her dark fur won't stand out enough but figures that when she's in the bottom three, they'll go in and get a closer look and know it's fur and that'll somehow make it all okay. Way to shoot for the stars, Lady Jumpsuit! Over at Team Dandy, Dandy is worried that Roberto is making his jumper look too much like a dress. Roberto doesn't see why that's a problem, so we have to flash back to 19 minutes ago when DSquared2 said they weren't allowed to make a dress. Dandy insists that his design is not a dress while Roberto says it totally is. Dandy interviews that he's too old to argue with Roberto, who is supposed to be here to work for Dandy.
Roberto gets the DVR-fooling interstitial segment again! He plays with the mice in the center of the studio for all to see. He's named them after himself and his teammate. The Patrick mouse makes an innocuous comment to the Roberto mouse, who becomes irate and storms off loudly and with huge gestures that the Merle mouse criticizes in an interview.
DSquared2 check up on the teams. Kevin says he's making a pleated jumpsuit and interviews something that makes no sense at all about why he likes the pleated jumpsuit look. Akiko clearly hates Kevin, and interviews that while Kevin is confident, he also "doesn't know anything." Team Dandy are . Dandy shows DSquared2 his green jumper-sari (not dress!) which has a snake head design on it that DSquared2 clearly hate. One of them actually looks at the camera and smiles while trying to withhold laughter. Awesome. They hint that he's being way too literal. He appears not to understand what they're talking about. So they head for L. Marilyn. She says that she's taken inspiration from the tarantula's exoskeleton in her design by having an open seam in the sleeve and possibly a pant leg. DSquared2 don't like the pant leg plan. DJ Eric is . He says the colorfulness of the toucan inspired him and then shows them an outfit that uses none of the toucan's colors and also peacock feathers. Peacock ≠ toucan, DSqaured2 point out. "It's a bird and we have those feathers," DJ Eric mumbles.
We head for Kathy . She says they're trying not to be "too literal" by only using the zebra fabric as a belt. DSquared2 wonder if they'll be finished in time. Lady Jumpsuit says she was inspired by the chinchilla being a "little round ball." Because who doesn't want to dress like a little round ball? Great plan, Lady Jumpsuit. DSquared2 don't seem thrilled with her idea, although what exactly they aren't happy with remains a mystery to both Lady Jumpsuit and us. With that, everyone goes home for the night.
The morning, there are just 9 hours to go. Kevin says that the details of his design are time-consuming. Then he calls them "buhsketti straps." You know, like how you pronounced spaghetti when you were five years old. Is Kevin retarded? Akiko complains that Kevin is breathing down her neck. Mouth-breathing, I'm sure. Kathy, meanwhile, lights a bunch of stupid candles and talks some bullshit about ancestors coming in or whatever. Because that's what your ancestors want to be sucked down from the afterlife for: to watch you compete on a reality show. Merle interviews that she understands the importance of burning sage and getting rid of bad vibes and all, but not when you're in an enclosed space with a bunch of other people and no windows. For real. That shit gives me a headache. I went to a liberal arts college and had a headache for four straight years because of my classmates' need to burn incense all the damn time. Merle stops by Kathy's station and coughs on her while complaining that her eyes are burning. Kathy puts all of her flames out and Kevin interviews that in his experience, smoke means weed party time.
Drama at L. Marilyn's station! Coco "accidentally" sewed something on the wrong side. L. Marilyn is happy to fix it, but Coco gets all flustered because L. Marilyn is using the scissors she needs or something. L. Marilyn's like "whatever." Coco interviews that she's a slow sewer because she's a perfectionist and celebrities wear her clothes. "Anything to do with fashion, I've done it," she says. And probably complained about and tried to quit seven times and said it was ruining your health.
With 4 hours to go, Merle gives us her now-traditional weekly bitchfest about Galina's designs. She says Galina is going "over the top" and it's not Merle. It's not DJ Eric, either.
And then there are 2 hours left and the models arrive for the fitting. Lady Jumpsuit loves her model and plays with her hair, whether the model wants her to or not. Merle tells us that her model was wider in her ass than in her shoulders, so their design didn't look very good on her. Yeah, blame the model. Team Dandy have the same problem with their model and have to cut off the bottom of the outfit to get more fabric.
And then there's just 1 hour to go. The models go into the Product Placement salon to get their hair did. Then they head back out for more fitting, and Dandy complains that all the removing of the fabric has created almost a bathing suit for his model and it's not his vision anymore. Merle interviews that it was "hideous" and scary. Meanwhile, Coco is having trouble getting everything sewed together in time because of her perfectionism. And the fact that she's really freaking difficult to work with. L. Marilyn interviews that it won't matter how perfect the outfit is if they don't finish it in time.
Fashion show time! Team Dandy's outfit is first and yes, it is pretty skimpy. The boa covers up more than the outfit. But at least it's not a dress! Dandy sighs that his model looks like a prostitute. Merle's outfit is , and there's some kind of zipper thing that makes the top part convert into... uh... a top with a zipper, I guess. Lady Jumpsuit is . She thinks her outfit is awesome, but the judges look horrified. I honestly don't think it's that bad. Definitely the best thing she's done so far. Kevin's outfit is a jumpsuit that is really ugly. I've never seen something fit so badly. It's giving the model a visible wedgie. Oh, and it has a stupid L sewn on the back. Backwards.
DJ Eric's outfit is a halter-top with pants and a peacock feather necklace. He continues to believe that he has anything to do with his design. L. Marilyn's outfit is , and it's fine, but nothing special. Maybe I just don't like one-piece outfits? L. Marilyn says she loved her outfit and the way the model showed it off, but not that they were so close to the deadline getting it out there. Kathy's outfit looks nice. It's baggy in the right places, although I'm not thrilled with the zebra belt. Louanna's jumpsuit looks nice for a jumpsuit. I really like the belt she made, if not how high up on the model it is. And I really don't like the tied-off Capri pants. Louanna says that Lisa Kline didn't seem pleased with her outfit. She shouldn't worry, though, since Lisa Kline's had that sour lemon face for the entire show. The models come out one more time so we can see how bad everyone's designs were this week. No more one-pieces and 24-hour time windows, please.
DSquared2 get the teams together and claim that some people made "beautiful" outfits while others did not. Merle, DJ Eric and Louanna are called out first for being in the middle of the pack. They're safe this week and go backstage. Dandy's model comes out first, and DSquared2 ask him what the first thing that comes to mind is when he thinks of a snake. "Green," Dandy says. DSquared2 says they think of things that are long and skinny. Well, they would, wouldn't they? They are obsessed with skinny. They say they would have liked to see Dandy do a design that "snaked" its way up the model's entire body. Even her giant ass and hips? I don't think there's enough material in the world to do that! Lisa Kline asks Dandy who would buy this. "A young market," Dandy says. Lisa Kline says the back look unfinished (and it does. Because it is). Stefani asks Dandy how well he's working with Roberto. Dandy says they were like oil and water, but now they're "a vinaigrette." You have to love how Dandy puts the best possible spin on total disasters.
Kathy's model is called out . Lisa Kline asks how this outfit is consistent with others in her line. Kathy says there's red in the belt and a plunge in the back. And it turns out that the judges love it! They call it beautiful and say you can't tell that it was made in such a short amount of time. And now, Lady Jumpsuit. It turns out that she used that fur as a trim on the bottom of the bloomers, which is ridiculous. Lisa Kline says it would have been better as a scarf or something, as the crotch area is not the place for fur. DSquared2 say that the bloomer legs should have been tighter to contrast with the round skirt thing above them. I can't tell if she's a winner or a loser.
L. Marilyn is . She gets shit for putting fake flowers on her model's head, although they say the outfit is beautiful and fits perfectly, much to Coco's smirky delight. I think she's safe. Finally, it's Kevin's turn. He explains his outfit and makes absolutely no sense. Can he go home now? Please? Lisa Kline says she likes the top part of the outfit but not the bottom, which she thinks looks like a diaper. Stefani says she's not seeing how Kevin's three designs go together, but she loves the fabric he used this week. Oh, no. Do not let him stay.
The judges do their stupid huddle and call out Kathy and L. Marilyn as the top two designers. L. Marilyn is killing this, I'll tell you. She's great. Even though her expert is a whiny baby. But the winner this week is Kathy. Nice comeback for her. I think it was all the burnt sage and ancestors that helped her. That, and Emil knowing to use the black fabric for most of the design instead of that godawful African tribal print.
And that means that Kevin, Dandy, and Lady Jumpsuit are in the bottom three. The judges go backstage to get a closer look at their horrible outfits. DSquared2 start with Lady Jumpsuit, saying that at least she's shown improvement from week to week. This is their favorite thing she's done yet. Lisa Kline, however, thinks the design is a "hard sell." DSquared2 sigh and move on to Kevin's horribleness. They say he doesn't seem to have a focus in his designs and this outfit seems to pull downward. And then they move onto Team Dandy. "There's so much I don't like here on so many levels," Stefani says. But she does see a cohesiveness in the entire line. Up close, you can really see how barely put-together the outfit was. I think there are still pins in it. "They do have something here, so what are we gonna do?" Stefani says. CUT KEVIN!
After the break, it's time to get rid of someone (Kevin please!). DSquared2 tell Lady Jumpsuit to "find [her] focus." I love how every time someone criticizes Lady Jumpsuit, they cut to a shot of her expert looking at the floor. The judges clearly like Dandy's line overall but hated what he came up with tonight. And Kevin is a clown. Lady Jumpsuit is called out and she is... safe! Kevin is called out ... and his line has been dropped! HOORAY! I couldn't stand him. I'll bet Akiko is happy, too. Kevin gives a nonsensical speech to the judges and claims he "went out like a G." Because that's what gangstas do: appear on designing reality shows on Bravo and then get eliminated in the third week.
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You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.