After several establishing shots of the expensive fashion boutiques of Beverly Hills' Rodeo Drive, we head waaay downtown to the loft where this show was no doubt filmed. Louanna talks to her designer, Jim, about how she wants to win every single challenge. He says he's not very competitive. Good thing you went on a competition reality show then, Jim. Louanna interviews that Jim is "an amazing sewer" and "an amazing tailor," which is kind of insulting considering the fact that Jim's job here is to be an expert designer. DSquared2 walk in and greet the contestants, then slip L. Marilyn $20 so she'll interview that they're "young men." I think I've figured out what it is about DSquared2 that creeps me out: I'm 99% sure they're wearing girdles under their clothes. They inform the contestants that they now have 55 hours until the fashion show. That's not much time, but Roberto decides to waste a few minutes of it to call out Louanna's winning dress for being a rip-off of a Calvin Klein design. Roberto, on the other hand, does "couture," which he says is "all about drama." Indeed, nothing says drama like a trench dress. Roberto says he's only criticizing to be constructive, and I'm so sure Louanna took it that way. Also, does Roberto have eyes? I'm trying to figure out why he insists on hiding them behind his sunglasses all the time. [I'm picturing something like this. - Zach]
DSquared2 say absolutely nothing about the potential drama that just unfolded, thereby ruining Roberto's efforts to make this show interesting. I'm sure he'll try again soon, though! Until then, the hosts explain the challenge: to design a "daytime outfit for the beach" while using "trend forecasting" as inspiration. As we'll later find out, they're using like 30 other things as inspiration, too. But anyway. DSquared2 explain what trend forecasting is: there are agencies that try to figure out what the look will be. Oh, I hate those agencies. They're always trying to tell me that pink or orange are the new "in" colors, and then all the stores have everything in pink and orange, and I can't find anything in brown. We are introduced to trend meteorologist Sally Lohan, who should have done a better job at forecasting that her last name was going to be synonymous with "trainwreck." Also, she's wearing an ugly top and loses all credibility with me. If belted floral kimono tops that make my shoulders look even broader are in, then I'll just be out of fashion yet again year. We cut to the experts and designers listening to her -- except for Roberto, who appears to have fallen asleep while hugging a dress form. Sally Lohan works for WGSN, short for Worth Global Style Network, which kind of sounds like the empire of a James Bond villain or a cartoon terrorist organization. Like MAD from Inspector Gadget or Cobra from G. I. Joe. That and her incredibly annoying English accent (I never knew English accents could be annoying until I heard hers) make her seem a bit sinister as she tells us that earth tones and "tomahto red" will be in year. Also, is that a picture of a lizard on her board of trend forecasts? An ugly gray lizard? How is that fashionable? Other soon-to-be-in colors include "grahss green" and plain old orange, for which she apparently could not think of a corresponding nature noun that accentuated her English accent and so left it to stand on its own. [What about marmalahde? Or do they pronounce that the same way? - Z] Sally also thinks that butterfly and jellyfish shapes will be in, because who doesn't want to look like a jellyfish? They're one of the more beautiful animals out there, no? Louanna interviews that the trend forecast colors matched the ones she picked out at the fabric store, so she is a visionary. That, or she probably read an article about the "in" colors and ripped it off to use for herself on the show like she ripped off Calvin Klein for her dress, ha ha! DSquared2 say the contestants must use one of the trendy silhouettes and use one of the rolls of orange fabrics they suddenly have in front of them. As last night's winner, Louanna gets to pick her fabric first and choose the order that the rest of contestants will pick theirs. Oops! I guess Roberto should have kept his mouth shut after all.
Or not, as Patrick is like the fourth person chosen to pick a color and not last, as I suspected he would be. That dubious honor goes to Lady Jumpsuit. When DSquared2 ask Louanna why she picked the order she did, she says "no reason," then interviews that she chose according to who she thought was "real and genuine and nice." That still doesn't explain how Patrick got up there so early. Lady Jumpsuit says she doesn't care if she's picked last, because her outfit is going to be great. She's very confident for someone who was almost eliminated. And who thinks Don Knotts circa Three's Company is a better trend forecaster than Sally Lohan. DSquared2 say the contestants will get a trip to Venice Beach to inspire them some more, as if the daytime beach thing and trend forecasts and orange fabrics weren't enough. The experts are not allowed to come with them. Aw, you mean they won't get to draw inspiration from medical marijuana prescription-dispensing hole in the wall doctor's offices and guys trying to force you to listen to their stupid hip hop CDs? Bummer. "Ah gratzi olive oil," DSqaured2 says. Well, that's not exactly what they said. They really said their Italian catchphrase that I'm not going to bother to look up because it's not going to catch on. Because it sounds like "ah gratzi olive oil."
The contestants head out to Venice Beach and draw inspiration from things like restaurant awnings and crippled pigeons. Lady Jumpsuit goes apeshit over some pillar with mosaic designs on it. Merle just wants to get back to the studio, so they do. Because this show can't go three seconds without something else happening, there's a surprise waiting for the contestants when they return -- their logos have been made and are posted atop their stations. Merle's is a ying-yang with an eyeball in it. Um, yuck. No eyeballs with big eyelashes on my clothes, please. I can't see David's logo because there's a giant ad for another Bravo show covering it. Soon they all get to work. Kathy explains that she was inspired by a woman from Ghana's hairbraiding stand on Venice Beach and thinks it still fits with her "Native Rose" label and theme because... uh... is she saying that African people are natives? I am not touching that one.
Amazingly, Patrick's sundress design is met with enthusiasm and encouragement from Roberto. Meanwhile, David wants to design a "formal bathing suit that you don't swim in." YES! Please bring back the formal Victorian-era bathing costume, David! I'm sure it didn't go out of style for a reason or anything. "It's something that I know my wife would look good in," he says. Apparently he's married to Clara Bow. Meanwhile, Merle is designing a dress that converts into a caftan by rolling your sleeves up or down. You mean like how my long-sleeve shirt converts into a T-shirt when I roll the sleeves up? Revolutionary! Over at Eric's station, his expert Galina seems to be taking over most of the designing. That's also the case at Kathy's station, as Emil changes her red fabric selection to blue and says something about giving the dress tentacles. Instead of focusing on her own piece, Merle keeps looking at Eric's station and disapproving of how much input Galina has in his design. To the point where it's basically Galina's design. You know who wants to win $50,000? Galina does!
And finally, we head over to L. Marilyn, who is creating a "modern caftan" for fat people. Well, she said it more delicately than that, but that's what she meant. Coco clearly doesn't like it or L. Marilyn, and so bitches and complains about every point in L. Marilyn's design. Before any of that drama can get underway, we fly over to Team Dandy, where Roberto is telling Patrick to sew something himself, much to Patrick's horror. And then everyone takes off for the night.
The morning, they come back and begin assembling their designs. Julie got up on the wrong side of the bed and snaps at David when he tries to explain how he wants the shorts of his piece to look. "What do you want from me?" he asks in an interview. I think she wants you to put a freaking sentence together when you talk to her, David. He may know how to design a structure, but he has no idea how to structure a sentence. Lady Jumpsuit, meanwhile, wants to take the butterfly silhouette to a whole new level with a "broken butterfly wing," which she says is "so tragic but it's so beautiful." I bet she wrote terrible angsty poems when she was in high school.
With 24 hours to go, DSquared2 return to open the trim room for ten freaking minutes. The designers run inside. David says his time in the trim room is especially important because his baseline fabrics are all dark and not beachy looking, so he's depending on trims to lighten things up. Lady Jumpsuit grabs a roll of fabric and shows her true colors when she drops her stupid airy manner of speaking and harshly tells Kevin to "move it!" David doesn't find any useful fabrics as we see him walking out with a roll of something gray. He never learns. The trim room is closed, but DSquared2 haven't come up with a stupid Italian phrase for that yet so they just make buzzer sounds.
Over at L. Marilyn's table, she and Coco are still passive-aggressively butting heads. That's about it.
Oh! Interstitial DVR-trickery moment! Roberto removes his sunglasses and gives himself a pompadour, then tells everyone that it's an homage to Valentino, who came to his godfamily's house for dinner once. Merle doesn't appreciate Roberto's name-dropping, even though she herself is a walking homage to Peg Bundy.
After the break, it's time for DSquared2 to stop by the designers' stations and see what's going on. L. Marilyn is first, and they ask her if she and Coco are on "the same page." Of course they aren't! Coco says she's tired and this show is somehow affecting her health. DSquared2 don't know what to do about this, so they just move on to Kevin's station. He tries to describe his outfit while expert Akiko rolls her eyes and interviews that Kevin doesn't know anything about "the fashion world," and God does she wish she was on Project Runway. Kevin rambles on about how his line is called "London" because of forgetting Paris and "you go, girl!" "Help me!" Akiko says to DSquared2. They do not. Instead, they head for Kathy's station, where I see she has some kind of faux Native American nature feather candle placemat set up. Is the lit candle supposed to be like an eternal flame or something? It seems like a really bad idea what with all the no doubt flammable fabric waving around in there. If Kathy burns down the loft, then she gets my vote for favorite contestant designer. We get a good look at the earpiece feeding DSquared2 their lines as they ask her if she really needs her piece to have fabric tentacles. Obviously, they don't think so.
Lady Jumpsuit talks about her mosaic and butterflies and appliqués. "It's a lot of work," DSquared2 laugh at her. They move on to Eric and Galina as Merle watches, so wanting to tattle on Galina. Eric and Galina say they're working well together and should be done in time. Boring! Let's see how David is doing. He explains his "vintage jumper" to DSquared2, who immediately disapprove of David's dark fabrics and complex patterns. They tell him to think like a designer instead of an architect. Well, he has like 16 hours left and no way to get any colorful fabrics, so that advice is pretty much useless at this point. But thanks, guys. David says that's impossible for him to think like a designer and not an architect because he is an architect. Good thing he went on this show, then. Did he and Jim wander into the casting call thinking it was a Starbucks and get cast accidentally or something? And with 14 hours left, it's time to go to bed again.
6 hours to go, and they're back to work and freaking out about having so much to do and so little time. Roberto nags Patrick to do some sewing, and Patrick actually stands up to Roberto and refuses, saying he'd rather watch Roberto do the sewing so he can learn by observing. At L. Marilyn's table, Coco got an attitude adjustment that was most likely the producers reminding her that she can win $50,000 if she stops being a brat. So she says she's sticking with L. Marilyn and working with her. They hug. BORING! Let's go back to Team Dandy, where Roberto has draped a peacock feather boa over the dress. Patrick doesn't like it because it's not part of his vision. Roberto seems to think that they're working together on this and gets all pissy, saying that he cancelled three shows to be here and he wants to create a "we" line, not a "me" line. "Me" as in Patrick. Meanwhile, Eric is creating a "me" line with the "me" being Galina. I'll bet Roberto would have loved working with Eric, who is clueless about all of this stuff and knows it. Patrick reminds Roberto that this show is about launching "my," as in Patrick's, line. Roberto responds to this by ripping Patrick's logo off the shelf. It takes him a while to do it because that thing is really nailed on there, but he eventually succeeds and tosses the logo on the floor. Patrick runs away to cry and/or stop himself from ripping Roberto's face off.
And then there are 2 hours to go. Is this show edited by cokeheads? It just speeds along from point to point without building drama or anything. Maybe this show was edited by professionals at the top of their fields who always wanted to be reality show editors and are working with an expert to make their dreams come true? DSquared2 announce the arrival of the models for the fitting. Roberto needs more camera time, so he walks over to apologize to Patrick for his behavior four hours ago. Patrick isn't having it, but Roberto is oblivious, going in for a hug while still talking about making a "we" line. Patrick says he needs Roberto to chill the fuck out, volcano birth aside. Roberto explains that he didn't mean to rip the logo down, just turn it around. He didn't realize that it was stuck on there so well. "It went totally out of control!" he says. Much like the necklace he somehow managed to turn into a vest. Does Merle know about this? It would work well with her line!
The models are being fitted. Louanna's model starts to say that her bikini design reminds her of someone else's, but Louanna tells her to shut it. Because she probably already knows who the model is going to say, because that's who she ripped it off of. As the time ticks down, the finishing touches are put on the pieces and the models.
Time for a fashion show! First up is Team Dandy, and their sundress looks much better than last week's trench dress. After all that drama, Patrick likes the result. Then it's time for Lady Jumpsuit, who has a kimono-like shirt with white pants I think she ripped off of an episode of Hawaii Five-O. Yes, your pants can be too high-waisted. Also, she has appliqués everywhere, on the shirt sleeves and the pant legs. She thinks her design is great because it's "absolute insanity." Cut to DSquared2 looking absolutely disgusted. Louanna's model is wearing a black bikini with a wrap over it. It's nothing special. Kathy's model is wearing the kimono dress with tentacles hanging down from the arms that looks much better than I thought it would. L. Marilyn's beachwear dress for fatties is also impressive. So far she's shown a real knack for choosing fabrics with designs on them that I think are hideous and making them look really great. David's outfit is dark and unattractive, just like last week's. He managed to use as little of that inspiration fabric as possible. But the fact is that he made a vintage bathing suit, and for that I love him. Merle's dress is very pretty, and her model shows off the convertible sleeve function, which actually is pretty cool. There's a string in each sleeve you pull to roll it up and change the caftan into a sundress. Merle's convertible line sounds so cheesy but looks really good so far. Eric's (well, Galina's, really) dress has an ugly butterfly pin on the front and is made of ugly printed fabric from the '80s. Kevin's dress is the last, and it's colorful but doesn't really stand out in my mind. Just like his design last week. And when he tries to explain it in the voiceover, he makes no sense. So let's move along.
The designer/expert teams walk on stage for judging. Team Dandy, Louanna, L. Marilyn and Kevin are called out first. They are safe. That also means their outfits were neither exceptional nor bad. I don't agree -- I thought Dandy and L. Marilyn's pieces were among the best.
Merle is called out first. Lisa Kline asks her if she did a butterfly or a jellyfish. "A butterfish," Merle says. Stephanie doesn't like the belt, and Merle says she was stuck with it because she had to use that fabric and as one of the last to pick, she was pretty much stuck with what she got. DSquared2 have good things to say, as does Lisa, who calls it an "easy sell." Kathy's outfit comes out . DSquared2 point out that it isn't exactly consistent with her dress last week, and as we get a flashback to that, I see what they mean. Kathy says the belt and jewelry are similar. So, the accessories, then. DSquared2 don't like the tentacles and call them "too literal." Stephanie likes the colors Kathy used, but thinks the design and fabric are too constrictive for beachwear. And Lisa doesn't think kimonos and beaches go together.
Time for David to get his ass handed to him. His model walks out and he tries to call her black swimming jumper glamorous and summery. Lisa says no way and asks David what the fabric is. "Wool with vegetable dye," David replies. Right, because the dye you used matters at this point, David, when YOU MADE A SUMMER BEACH OUTFIT OUT OF WOOL. Stephanie tries to be positive and says she likes that David did something "sleek" and "minimal." Eric is . He thinks his oufit says "Diddy yacht Hollywood." Galina speaks up about using their orange pattern and then Lisa asks if this is Eric's design or Galina's. Merle loves this. Galina says it was a team effort and then suddenly Stephanie is talking about how she could see this outfit in St. Tropez. That's not saying much, though. We saw Jon Gosselin in St. Tropez, too. DSquared2 think the butterfly pin should be lower on the dress and closer to the belt. I think so, too. Both the butterfly and the belt should be very close to each other in the trash. Lady Jumpsuit is last. The appliqué on the shirt sleeves is called "too much." Lisa likes the shirt color, but thinks the appliqué should have gone on a belt instead of on the shirt sleeves and pant leg. Stephanie agrees, calling it too "matchy-matchy." And now that they say that, they're totally right -- Lady Jumpsuit designs clothes for kindergartners. In the '70s.
The judges have a ten-second discussion over the winner, and call out Merle and Eric as the top two designers. WHAT? NO. Merle, yes. Eric, no way! L. Marilyn's and Team Dandy's were much better. And then! Eric is pronounced the winner! That sucks, although I do like that it's caused Merle to look homicidal.
That means that Lady Jumpsuit, David and Kathy are in the bottom three. Well, I already know that Lady Jumpsuit is safe, because I saw a clip of her wearing a not-yet-seen jumpsuit, so obviously she sticks around at least one more episode. [You have to admit that the jumpsuits are memorable. - Z] And I can't imagine Kathy going home over David's mess. Then again, I thought Eric's design was a mess, too, and he won. The judges go backstage to get a "closer look" at the losing pieces. They realize that Kathy's material is, in fact, thin enough to be beachwear and not as stiff as they initially believed. Basically, they like her design fine, but hate the tentacles. Lisa says she'd cry if she saw it in a store. I didn't think they were that bad! I clearly suck at fashion. But that's why I wouldn't go on a show like this. That, and the fact that I'm not at the top of my field or the daughter of a celebrity. up is David's old-fashioned modern bathing suit made of wool. Now that they're talking behind his back, they feel free to criticize the shit out of it. DSquared2 say everything about it is wrong. Stephanie says both of David's pieces thus far have been way too dark and "miserable." Finally, Lady Jumpsuit. It seems like the most frustrating thing about it for them is that it could have been great in the hands of someone not insane. DSqaured2 show that if she went with a skirt instead of those stupid pants, it would have been a winner. Stephanie says Lady Jumpsuit has a "very limited brand scope." Lisa says it's a brand scope she wouldn't put anywhere near her store.
After the break, it's time to announce who is leaving . And yes... it's David. Of course it is! He made a wool bathing suit! He seems really disappointed, and interviews that he's sorry that he didn't get a chance to translate his architecture skills into fashion. Julie interviews that they were eliminated for being "different" and "edgy." Julie. WOOL BATHING SUIT. Come on. David says he'll spend "the six or seven years" regretting that he didn't pick more colorful baseline fabrics. Six or seven YEARS? Come on, David. I'd get over it in like six or seven minutes.
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You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.