The episode starts with a Cat in the Hat promotion where the shrill and didactic goldfish tries for Dr. Seuss's anapestic meter and fails miserably. Yeah, so Will and Grace's Sean Hayes is in the movie. Don't care! Make the incessant promos go away! I will not see this at the Loew's / I will not see Mike Myers's nose / I do not like live-action Seuss / as you already have deduced. I do not like this on TV / I hope it fails worse than Gigli / If these promos go away / I'll watch again another day.
And then the show starts. After the stock zooming footage of the Strip, we get Mike striding across the lobby. A girl calls out, "Mikey!" and he hugs her with a "Happy birthday, you!" A thousand other women then descend, and Mike's smile gets bigger. It's good to be a valet in Vegas. Mike tells Lani the birthday girl he talked to Delinda up at Mystique, and she'll be taking special care of the birthday girl's party. Lani overreacts with joy. Mike takes off again, and the herd of women thunders on through the casino. Mimi Rogers watches them with the avid air of a zoologist thinking of documentary shots.
Danny and Big Ed go by. Big Ed is asking Danny if he's checked assorted areas. Danny impatiently tells him, "Done, done, and done." Big Ed stops and grits, "Danny, do not interrupt me. It really pisses me off." Me too! I've actually called out people during meetings with, "If I can finish my sentence, we'll both be a lot happier." Danny clumsily exposits, "Ed, Janet Ellis is a one-time-only headliner. I get that, okay? This isn't the only major concert I've ever handled." Just then, Danny begins hearing voices. They tell him to burn the local topiary as an offering, then protect France from the infidels. No, not really: he's wearing an earphone, and someone's telling him they've seen a suspicious woman near the entrance. Someone's been watching too much X-Files. Danny turns to check Mimi out, and she turns to check him out. Big Ed continues waving his finger in Danny's face and hectoring him. Danny bluffs that he's listening, and then the camera zooms ominously over to Mimi's sleek tote, where she's managed to pack both a laptop computer and a gun. I'm covetous of her organizational skills. The guys in the security office don't share my admiration of a well-packed tote. They're all, "She's got a gun," and the camera gets zoomy -- with special audio effects, so we know it's serious -- and there's an urgent little moment in which Danny watches Mimi reach into her purse while he's processing that "She's got a gun" statement. And then Danny assumes she's pulling the gun, so he reacts, if by "react," you mean, "Scream 'nooooooooooooooo' while lunging for Mimi in super-slow-motion."
Mimi's oblivious to this. She's pulled out a cell phone -- is there nothing she can't cram into that purse? -- and is punching buttons. Big Ed, meanwhile, is throwing Danny to the ground and swinging a leg on top of him to subdue him. One of Mimi's minions is pulling her out of Danny's direct path. A few of the Montecito security swabbies -- they are dressed like deckhands, you know -- come out. Big Ed asks Danny what's wrong with him. Shouldn't this be where Delinda or Mary comes on out and begins reciting a list? Anyway, Danny gasps, "She's got a gun." Big Ed follows his line of sight, then grins and rises, using Danny's prostate body to push himself off the ground. "Hey! Sandy!" he greets her. She gets up all, "Ed!" and saunters on over. Still on the ground, Danny gasps, "You know her?" Mimi/Sandy tells him matter-of-factly, "I'm his wife." Danny lets his head fall back on the carpet, and Big Ed's grin diminishes a little.
Elvis kicks in right then, telling everyone to shut their mouths.
Commercial time! A bunch of pretty people shot on black-and-white stock tell me they're going to judge me by my watch, but since they favor Seiko watches, I doubt their opinions are worth a rat's ass. Also, apparently The West Wing's government shutdown took all the lights with it, but I'm sure Deborah's covered that in more detail.
When we come back, Sheryl Lee Ralph strides on into the casino from stage left sporting a yappy little dog and a disbelieving expression. Enter Mary and Sam from stage right; Sam is practically giggling as she says, "So I've heard nothing but good things about Janet Ellis." Mary says, "Shut up," and Sam tells her to smile pretty. Mary unleashes one of her thousand-watt grins and strides on over to meet Janet Ellis. Before she finishes introducing herself, Janet says, "Quickly, darling! Kiki and I cannot take this desert heat." Mary quavers through a warm Montecito welcome, but Janet barrels on over her with, "Have you got any Evian? You know, the last time I was here, someone actually gave Kiki tap water." Mary says, "Really!" "Tap water!" Janet repeats for emphasis. It's a pity that we've already established that Janet's doing a one-time show before terrorizing the rest of the world; what this show really could use is an insane diva on the premises nonstop. I mean, an actual insane diva, as opposed to dilettante Delinda. However -- what the hell kind of diva name is Janet? Not that Janet isn't a fine name, but it lacks the glitz factor one associates with divas.
Mike is hauling Lt. Fancy's golf clubs around and asking how it was on the links. "Hot, Mike. Damn hot." Damn hungry hot! When are they gonna get off of this farm? Lt. Fancy is now "Mr. Brunson." Sam comes on up to him and makes with the nice; he replies formally, "Samantha Jane. Hello." She assures him that "Sam" will be fine, and she just wants to let him know that "we've made our private gambling parlor available to you." Brunson changes the topic to ask, "Any word on my peppermint candy cane ice cream?" Sam tells him, "Bonnet's the only company that makes it, and they're going to get back to me." Brunson replies, "Thanks. And as far as gambling's concerned, the majority of mine's done in the board room." So he's appointed unqualified people, is what he's saying? Sam trails on behind him, trying to work around to getting him to commit to gambling since he is staying at a casino. She eventually says, "My bosses have been asking me if you intend to gamble at all during your stay here at the Montecito." He replies, "Well, we all have bosses. I don't. But…" So his company's privately held, is what he's saying. Either that, or he took lessons in treating his shareholders from L. Dennis Kozlowski, Kenneth Lay, and Sir Conrad Black. Sam follows him to the elevators, explaining, "You see, sir, with a stay in one of our mansions comes an expectation of play." Brunson shoots her down with, "Well, tell your bosses, 'Soon.'" Sam pushes for a more precise definition of "soon," but gets shut off by the elevator.
Sam stalks off, which we see in the security cam, and Sandy recites for Big Ed, "Gavin Brunson. Brunson Holdings. Forbes Top Ten." Top Ten what? Mysterious tycoons? She adds, "Great catch for the Montecito." Big Ed tells her he would be, if only he gambled, but he's been holed up in a mansion for a few weeks. Sandy changes the subject to herself, and exposits, "Not a lot of pleasantries for your old CIA partner." Big Ed clumsily brings up the whole "my wife" thing, and Sandy runs right over him with, "How many times was it? We must have posed as a married couple on Ops at least --" "Once. At least once. One time only," Big Ed replies. You just know Mrs. Big Ed gave him nothing but grief once he went into the overt world and filled her in on the declassified stuff. Sandy dreamily recites that it may have been once, but it was for two really fun years. She adds, "Don't worry, sweetie, I'm not here for you, whatever Jillian may think." She's here because her security firm is heading the Janet Ellis security detail. The guy who runs security for a casino makes fun of the pop princess gig. Danny comes on in, and Sandy shakes his hand with, "It's nice to meet you under less aggressive circumstances." Danny smiles winningly with his apology. It's a nice smile. Know who else with a nice smile could show up on this show? I'm sure I don't even have to name names at this point. Sigh. Big Ed continues to introduce Sandra, and Danny continues to grin. She saunters off, and Big Ed prods, "And now, Danny." Danny blurts, "Nice to meet you too, Ms. Edelman." She's all, "Sandra." Danny repeats, "Sandra," while Big Ed rolls his eyes at his former partner toying with his current protégé.
We're now at Mystique, and Delinda her own self is bringing out a cake and telling Lani to have a happy twenty-first birthday. Lani makes her wish and blows out her candles, and Delinda gives Lani the gift of a free dinner for her birthday. Who is this Lani and why is everyone in the casino setting her up for her birthday? It's kind of odd to ask this, what with Las Vegas cramming expository dialogue into every scene.
Mary's in Janet's dressing room, looking around in awe as a local boutique owner coos, "I took the liberty to bringing this to your dressing room," over a rack of clothing. Janet and Kiki look over the circular rack of clothing. Wrong! A real diva would insist that each outfit be hung up where she could see it unwrinkled; she's not going to pick among the wire hangers like she's tracking Mizrahi sweaters at Target. Janet pulls out a slate-blue number and coos, "Oh, I love this. Don't you just love this, Kiki?" Kiki does. The boutique owner is all, "That's a great piece! I have the same one in gray." Back on the rack it goes. Miss Janet doesn't wear the same clothing as everyone else. Mary hides her smile. The boutique owner heads off to find other clothing, and Mary asks, amused, "What's it like to have everyone always kiss your ass?" Janet says, "You know something? No one's ever asked me that before." She turns around and looks at Mary, who cowers only slightly. Janet smiles and says, "It's great." Kiki whimpers.
As the boutique owner comes back, Janet has twirled on over to where Mary's standing so the two are side by side, and when the boutique owner shows something better suited to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Janet turns to Mary and says, "A bit much, isn't it?" "A little much," Mary concurs. The two women eventually settle on a gold brocade number. Janet turns to Mary and says, "So, um…" "Mary," Mary supplies. "Mary!" Janet gushes. She continues, "You know what I just realized?" "What?" asks Mary through a clenched grin. "I just realized that I like you. In fact, you are going to be my -- and Kiki's -- new best friend. Kiki, say hello to your Auntie Mary." There's a little scene with the dog, and then the paparazzi slip in. Janet dives for the nearest corner -- again, not entirely in keeping with her diva persona, since no diva in her right mind would turn down a lot of attention -- but Mary quickly dispatches the ravening mob of lensmen.
Hey, everyone! It's a Vegas cameo: the Maloof brothers. They fill Delinda in on how they own a lot of sports teams and Vegas properties, two ventures they should probably concentrate on in lieu of acting. Delinda's all, "Sorry, boys, no reservation, no table, tee hee!" Just then, Mike comes on out and hugs on the Maloofs, all of whom seem happy to see him. He's all, "The whole Maloof clan is out tonight! What's up, guys?' Delinda asks, "So you know these guys?" "Yeah, they're cool," he replies. Delinda lets them in with, "You should just say you're friends of Mike's. Enjoy Mystique, gentlemen."
Inside, Big Ed is happily gloating to Mrs. Big Ed about Delinda's success and how proud he is. He then awkwardly asks if they're still on for tennis the day, because he's kinds sorta maybe invited Sandy along since she happens to be in town. Mrs. Big Ed communicates how very pissed she is with, "I didn't realize you two still stayed in touch." Big Ed backpedals a lot, and when he notices Mrs. Big Ed tapping a fork around threateningly, he's all, "She just happened to come into the Montecito, and I think that I probably mentioned we were gonna play or something," which totally translates into him having been all, "Jillian and I would love to play with you! Can you come by at eleven?" with Sandra. Mrs. Big Ed calls him on it, and he claims Sandy invited herself. Mrs. Big Ed continues to give him the fisheye, and Big Ed babbles his way into a defensive corner: "Honey, we worked together!" "And very closely, as I recall," Jillian shoots back. How would she have known at the time? I thought the whole point to covert ops was to make sure your cover was completely consistent; going home to one wife to talk about another "wife" would seem to contradict that. Big Ed invokes the professional equivalent of, "Baby, she meant nothing to me!" Judging from Mrs. Big Ed's demeanor, there are no gondola rides in the near future for Big Ed.
Lani's friends are excitedly counting down the seconds to what we presume will be her real birthday. They've all got champagne, so let's hope that everyone else is twenty-one, or else there's a lot of 'splaining to do. Lani and her howling, shrieking friends all toast, and then Lani plays the slots for the first time as a legal adult. Naturally, she wins huge -- like, $100,000 huge. Sam shrieks the obvious. Who is this Lani? Why are so many employees friends with her? Mike goes ape at the prospect of Lani winning $100,000 -- he joins her in pogoing around and shrieking with avaricious glee. Lani hands the casino guy her license with, "Here's my ID -- I just turned twenty-one!" Oh, you all know where this is going. Nessa comes on over to check the machine. It's beeping "11:57," and Nessa checks it against the driver's license, realizing that Lani pulled the lever three minutes shy of her real birthday. Which makes me wonder: who the hell has been liquoring her up all night if she's still technically twenty? Anyway, those three leetle minutes mean Lani can't get her payout. Lani protests, "But it's after midnight! My watch! I mean there aren't -- there aren't any clocks in here." Nessa apologizes, and the gaggle of girls immediately begins howling like the bacchae. Mike heads on over to warn Danny that there's going to be something of a riot if he doesn't do something; we see a shot of Sam to Nessa. Sam's knocking back her flute of champagne while her other hand clutches a box of S'mints. Does she take those things everywhere? Danny wades in to calm things down, which naturally touches off a riot of angry women chanting, "Pay her! Pay her!" Mike is discreetly chanting along while making sure none of his coworkers is watching. Who is this Lani, to inspire such sedition among the ranks? Nessa gives Danny a "way to go, champ" look as the mob pins her to the slot machine.
Commercials. A wife urges her husband toward an early coronary by telling him KFC is actually health food. Also, apparently Friends is now a one-hour drama if the promos are any indication.
When we get back from commercials, Mike is apologizing to Lani, and she's petulantly insisting, "I didn't do anything wrong! I swear, I thought it was midnight!" Well, she didn't have malice aforethought, but faulty information does not automatically exonerate someone. Lani continues to protest, "It was only three minutes," because apparently whining about how unfair life is trumps the cold facts of any situation. Mike passes the whining along to Nessa with, "Three minutes?" She correctly rebuts, "Three minutes, three months. It doesn't matter to the gaming commission." Mike finally tells us who Lani is with, "She's local. Her older brother went to college with me." Then wouldn't she know enough to be damn sure of the time before pulling the arm on the slot machine, since she would, in theory, be well aware of gaming commission rules and casino enforcement? Nessa tells him, "No one knows the numbers on locals better than I do -- three visits a week, $40 a visit. I get it. There's nothing I can do." Mike protests that Lani's getting screwed. Except she's not, because she set her watch wrong and failed to err on the side of conservatism by pulling the arm at 12:05 or something. However, Nessa buckles in the face of his cajoling and promises to see if there's something she can do. Oh, whatever. Let the little whiner cry, I say.
Danny finally reappears. Yeah, right. You know he ran and hid once that mob got out of hand. Before he bugs out, he asks Nessa what the deal is between Ed and Sandra. What, is she the Big Ed Information Agency (BEIA)? Nessa more or less calls him on this too: "I don't know. You seem to think I'm a walking repository of Ed Deline biographical data." The look she's giving him is priceless. Nessa insists she never met Sandra before, and Danny's all, "Look at you -- you can't even say it with a straight face." Nessa tells him, "Only because I find your conspiracy theories so amusing!" He walks off, and she gives a broad, girlish grin. I have to say, I love her makeup in this scene: she's got a lot of iridescent shadow around her eyes, and it looks totally festive and appropriate for being out on a Las Vegas casino floor after midnight.
Time elapses, if the stop-motion photography is anything to go by, and we see the digitally-altered Mandalay Bay sign, which now reads "Montecito" and features a big picture of Janet Ellis doing her best Aunty Entity stance with the legend "Janet Ellis: tonight only in concert!" Danny's sitting at a desk in the security room. Big Ed strolls up to him; I would be remiss if I didn't point out the tennis togs he's wearing. Danny catches us up on assorted plotlines: security's high for Janet; Brunson is still camped out in a Montecito mansion, and he's moved out all the existing furniture to replace it with his own. Evidently laying hands on a Montecito sideboard is grounds for expulsion in Big Ed's world. After he irons that out, he fills Danny in on why Sandra's actually in Las Vegas. No, it's not to exacerbate long-running tensions between Big Ed and the missus. Like all good divas, Janet's got her very own stalker. Danny's a little surprised Sandra didn't pass that on. Yeah, no kidding. Big Ed orders Danny to run all the concert ticket-holders profiles against a stalker profile. Danny cracks, "That'll take me about as long as it takes you to play two sets. You got anything else?" Big Ed snarls, "A little too much free time, have you? Yeah. Yeah, let's see. You can, um, run the profiles on the 6,153 guests we have staying here. Maybe that'll give me time to play maybe three matches. Nice day."
We zoom on down to Sam standing in the lobby, courtesy of the security cameras. She heads on over to Brunson, and a toady goes to intercept her with, "Mr. Brunson doesn't want to converse right now." Sam replies, "I see. In that case, I'll just have to go tell him he has no choice." She blows past Toady, who weakly protests, "I don't think you understand." Brunson hails her with, "Samantha Jane." Sam shakes it off and pulls up a chair. The toady directs her, "Be succinct. And don't touch him. He doesn't like to be touched." And do not look at him directly. Do not taunt Mr. Brunson. Anyway, Brunson wants to put in a good word with Sam with regards to one Scott Thompson, since Scott was kind enough to move a giant-screen TV over to where Brunson's sitting; apparently Scott's in between Kids in the Hall reunions. Brunson's back on the candy cane ice cream; Sam tells him, "Actually, [it's] a seasonal flavor. You see, Mr. Brunson, that means Bonnet's Ice Cream would have to reconfigure their whole entire flavor schedule marketing plan just to accommodate your order." Oh, Sam. You're so cute when you think the person you're talking to gives a rat's tiny ass. She eventually tells Brunson that the Montecito wants him out. The toady leans over and asks, "Sir, how would you like me to react?" Brunson holds up a hand. Brunson tells her, "Sam -- see, I remembered to call you Sam -- I am really starting to like this place, and you have a lot to do with that." Sam's very flattered, but that still doesn't get him off the hook for leaving. Brunson dispatches the toady to the bar with a wad of money, then announces to the world at large that "the beautiful and charming Sam" is buying drinks for all. He sits down to the applause; Sam tells him sweetly, "That's funny. You may be joking around, Mr. Brunson. We are not." She gets up, and Brunson says to the world at large, "See, I just missed that play." The toady says, "I'll call NBC and have them replay it." He is a superstar among yes-men, that guy.
And now, the tennis game. After Sandy comments, "You've certainly improved over the years," Jillian replies in a voice laced with arsenic, "I've had lots of time to practice. You know, not being a career gal and all that." Sandra replies, "Hey, don't sell yourself short. Raising a kid's a full-time job." Except that Mrs. Big Ed raised Delinda, so maybe a few job evaluations wouldn't have hurt. Also, how tired are the Mommy Wars? Do we really need to make it seem like parenting and having a career are an either/or proposition for women? If we're not Lisa Belkin, I mean? Anyway, the two women are hitting balls to Ed and subtly jabbing at each other while they slam balls left, right, and center. We get it already. Big Ed is saved by the telephone bell, and heads back to the office because Danny found someone to match the Janet Ellis stalker profile. Sandy heads off too, telling Jillian, "You have a good lunch." Jillian helps herself to a snack of petty assault, taking a chance to hit Sandy in the back with a well-aimed tennis ball, then giving her the "Who? Me?" face. Oh, Mrs. Big Ed. Clearly I was wrong to expect dignity.
Mary's got her face buried in a huge arrangement of roses. She asks Janet who sent them, and Janet dismisses the question by waving around her hand and stating that she gets so many, she doesn't even bother to check anymore. She natters on while Mary reads the typed card, which contains your usual stalkeresque, "If I can't have you, nobody else can!" crap. You'd think that divas would attract a better, or at least more theatrically baroque, quality of stalker. Anyway, Janet vamps in front of a mirror and asks how she looks, and Mary barely spares a moment's glance at the blue spangled mermaid gown before decreeing, "It makes your ass look big." Janet concurs with, "Damn!" Mary heads off to pester Danny while Janet throws up her hands and screams, "Somebody!" I want to do that. Think about how potent a superpower that is: you bellow, and an army of flunkies hops to. Anyway, Janet directs her flunkies to get her out of one dress and to find another, then turns toward Mary to ask, "Honey, you want to have a latte?" only to discover there's no latte to be had. That's okay, Janet. You don't need to be having dairy products on the same night as a big vocal performance. Come to think of it, she doesn't need to be bellowing like a sow in heat on the same night as a big vocal performance either: why is she not clanging a cowbell to summon flunkies and holding up placards written by a nervous-looking scribe flunkie as she demands things in a lot of capital letters and exclamation points? Anyway, Mary's apparent impertinence causes Janet to exclaim, "I love that girl!" I'd love it if Janet were to decide she loved Mary so much, she had to take her on a world tour or take up permanent residence in the Montecito. I tell you, we need more Janet! What is a casino without a diva terrorizing everyone?
Cue Mary and her strapless dress jogging over to see Danny. Given that this show has enough money to pay for fancy special effects, would it kill them to buy Mary a good strapless bra for these scenes? She nags about the note and the whole stalker thing; Danny replies, "If I didn't think you'd be safe, do you really think I'd let you hang out with her?" Mary pulls back and says, "Let me?" before walking off, laughing. Danny watches her go, wondering what the hell just happened.
Sam comes over right then to complain that Brunson's still hanging around, she has twenty VIPs coming in for the concert (and…she's going to shove them all into one mansion?), and Danny's not listening. Some kid with extremely poor judgment picks that moment to check Sam out and slap her rear. Sam turns around, floating like a butterfly, stinging like a bee, and shrieking like an outraged housecat. Danny puts the one guy in a headlock, and hold back a punching, hollering Sam with an "Easy there, champ" until she shows no signs of cooling it, and ends up putting her in a headlock too. The punk apologizes; Danny directs a disheveled Sam to go see Big Ed in ten minutes.
Up in the security office, Danny's filling everyone in on the matches for the stalker profile. Sandra insists that Janet's her responsibility. Big Ed's all, "Does Janet know she has a stalker?" Sandra sidesteps answering that directly. Big Ed asks why Sandy didn't see fit to fill him in on the stalker issue when she rolled on into the Montecito. Possibly because she was in danger of being tackled by Danny the Boy Wonder? No. She says, "It was need to know. You taught me that." Big Ed replies, "This is the Montecito, and I need to know." Sandra takes off, and Danny clears his throat discreetly. Big Ed stands up and asks him about the profile matches: turns out they're two of Sam's whales. Wow -- high-rollers and likely stalkers!
Sam comes in just then, and Big Ed tells her, "I need to, um, talk to two of your clients." We find out he wants to talk to Mr. Nomura and Mr. Trevathan, which translates into Danny checking them out while Sam finds other, non-concert diversions for them. Sam wants to find out why her two clients are getting the Big Ed treatment, but he's being cagey. Sam protests that she worked really hard to poach those guys from Mandalay Bay, but her protests fall on deaf ears. Those that live by the poach die by the brush-off, I guess. Anyway, her cell phone rings and she eventually answers it, only to discover that her day just got more stressful: "Special delivery for who? Oh, all right."
Three guesses what Sam encounters on the loading dock, and the first two don't count. Yes, it's a whole truck full of peppermint stick ice cream, courtesy of Bonnet's Ice Cream. The delivery guy exposits, "Mr. Brunson just bought our company. Had us make this here peppermint special for him. We're supposed to deliver one tub to him by hand, 500 gallons to the Montecito, and give a tub to a Sam. By the way, know where he is? No problem. We'll find him." Sam identifies herself, and the delivery guy smiles, "That was easy." Sam hands a huge tub of ice cream to an extra and stalks off.
Big Ed is watching the technical run-through for the Janet Ellis show, explaining to Sandra that Janet will not take the stage until he's found the stalker: "If I don't have him in my hands, the lady does not sing." Sandy goes to apologize, and Big Ed says, "I'm assuming she still doesn't know there's a stalker, and I can't, for God's sakes, understand why you're keeping her in the dark." Sandy explains that "contractually, I'm not allowed to tell her. She's been known to have anxiety issues. Her management team doesn't want to upset her." Just then, a bunch of fireworks explodes, and Big Ed snarls, "Why don't you wait until we're standing on it? Moron." He asks for more time so he can run checks on all the ticket holders. I thought Danny already did that? Sandy assures him, "Janet has never taken the stage on time in her entire career. We can easily delay the start of the show forty-five minutes." After some more back-and-forth, Sandy gives him a frightening, toothy grin and purrs, "Kind of like old times, huh? Working side-by-side with your wife?" For a former covert intelligence agent, Sandy shows an almost criminal inability to do anything subtly. Big Ed corrects, "That would be pretend wife, Sandy." Sandy tells him, "I never faked it," as fireworks go off in the background. That there's the real criminal inability to do anything subtly. A high-strung man comes out and howls, "No! No, no, no! Do you realize how close we are to curtain?"
Commercials. There are no gold medals for driving the kind of vehicle that constitutes a mobile environmental disaster.
When we get back, the drunken visage of Tara Reid is in the lower lefthand corner of my screen, because NBC hates me. Anyway, Big Ed asks Danny for an update on Brunson, and Danny bitches, "Besides the ice cream, the furniture and the fact that he's still here?" Big Ed gets snippy with, "I'm going to do you a special favor: I'm going to talk to him about his manners." Danny promises that Brunson's out tonight; Big Ed calls dryly, "Way to go there, big guy." And then there's a tedious little celebrity cameo with Penn and Teller, the sole point of which seems to be to hammer home the fact that James Caan is an actor and the magicians are not. No, wait. That's just what I took home from it; the whole point is that Brunson booked them for a private party, because he has more money than a small European country. His company has to be private; given the murderous mood investors are in following the Enron art collection and Tyco penis-ice-sculpture debacles, no shrewd CEO in his right mind would publicly toss around so much money unless he had no fear of corporate governance.
Danny and Sam meet up in a corner of the casino; she reminds him she has a headache named Brunson and Danny's the cure. He's all, "Yeah, yeah, whatever. So! About those stalkers!" She tells him one has been packed off on a plane to the Montecito's skybox at the Raiders' game. Because there's nothing like a Raiders game to make you act like a model citizen. Also, having spent more than enough time at Network Associates Coliseum this year watching my beloved A's, I have a hard time believing someone's going to leave the plushy high-rolling life of Las Vegas for a skybox at Net Ass, but that's just me.
Anyway, Sam heads over to her other high-roller, a Mr. Trevathan who apparently made his millions by becoming a turtleneck model for L.L. Bean catalog. She asks, "Has the red twelve hit for you yet today?" as the croupier announces, "Eight black and even." So…no.
And now, a brief and boring interlude: the tiresome Lani plotline. Apparently, the paper ran a headline reading "Montecito Stiffs Local," because the editor figures there's no point in mentioning the gaming commission rules and is secretly hoping to push one of those "advertising vs. editorial" conflicts when the paper's sales reps come by and scream, "That story just cost me the entire Montecito account!" Nessa claims they have to do something, because the force of whining about unfortunate circumstances ought to trump actual regulations. Big Ed gives Nessa carte blanche by telling her to find out what Lani wants and give it to her. Nessa rolls her eyes and grins, "Okay!" She's cute with the grin. Also, she really looks very fresh in that eye shadow. I totally hope this show becomes the of the Aughties, in which every trend to cross a magazine page gets slapped on someone's face or body in a desperate effort to make a cheese factory seem very edgy and cool. Seriously!
Anyway, Mr. Trevathan is playing roulette and imploring, "Daddy needs a new five-series!" while Sam keeps offering him all sorts of inducements for giving up his Janet Ellis tickets: tickets to Cher, use of a mansion in Lake Tahoe for the weekend, et cetera. No dice: Mr. Trevathan wants to celebrate his new gambling luck with a Janet Ellis concert, because "you know as well as anyone it's been a while since Lady Luck's been on my dance card. Is it gonna be a problem?" Sam lies through clenched teeth that it will not.
Danny heads on up to Mystique, runs into former mystaque Delinda, and finds out from her that Brunson's rented the restaurant for the night. He heads on in. Brunson is sitting all by himself as the background music plays, "I am sitting all by myself / on the top of the world." Hear that muffled noise? That would be subtlety, bound and gagged in the corner. Danny greets Brunson like he's all business, and Brunson gives him a smug grin before saying, "I know what you're thinking: hasn't this guy ever heard of room service? The answer is, yes, I have. And the Montecito's is excellent. But in my room I'd miss out on all the ambiance. Besides --" Danny cuts him off with, "Mr. Brunson -- enough. You may be the friendliest guy in the world --" "I sure try," Brunson says. "The ninth richest guy in the world," Danny continues, and the toady looks over from the bar to correct him: "Seventh." Danny says, "You're out of here. You've taken advantage of the Montecito's hospitality long enough." There's some dickering, and Danny issues his ultimatum ("Tonight!") before walking out.
More tiresome Lani. Who cares, who cares, who cares? Show of hands. Nessa's all, "We think you got a raw deal, we'd like to make it up to you." Then comp her already. It's worked on so many other occasions. Anyway, Nessa follows Big Ed's advice to find out what Lani wants. Turns out the kid's got acting ambitions. Nessa grins.
And now it's nearly showtime. Danny walks by as a security guard does things to Mr. Trevathan with a metal detector that would, in some countries, make them married. In this country, it's just called "being Ashcrofted." Danny stalks on by, and then goes tearing in the opposite direction on a false lead concerning a big fashion Don't in an old denim shirt. After a brief and stupid chase scene, Danny tackles the guy, and it turns out he was only running because he had a fake Janet Ellis ticket. Mike is holding the guy against the wall, the guy is babbling a lot, Danny is looking at the ticket, and then the guy pees his pants in terror. Mike sums it all up with, "Damn." I'm no Aaron with the stats, but this is the second pee-the-pants incident in eight episodes, so if history is any indication, we're looking at a 25 percent chance of pee on the floor in any given episode.
Mary comes into the scene laughing as Mike and Danny are disgustedly calling for housekeeping. She's off to get Kiki and transport the fluffball in its Louis Vuitton carrying case. As Mary saunters off with a swing in her step, Mike watches her go and calls, "Good to see you, Mary. Great to see you, Mary. Wonderful to see you, Mary." Danny's all, "Hey, hey!" and Mike turns around to crack, "What? I can't be cordial? Why do you feel threatened by our friendship?" Heh. I wonder how many of his lines James Lesure ad-libs.
Mary enters the dressing room, where we see a well-appointed table and a covered plate. I have a total flashback to Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Mary, however, does not share my fascination with Bette Davis movies, She whistles for the dog, but panics a little when it fails to show, and then freaks into call-Danny territory when she notices that Kiki and its luxe little collar have been parted. It's all very dramatic.
Commercials. Apparently women all crave diamonds from J.C. Penney. Also, Lee Jeans is trying desperately to be hip, and there's no damn Buddy Lee doll gonna get in the way this time.
Danny comes in; Mary is still rolling her eyes in the general direction of Kiki's collar. He asks, "Where's security?" If you're Danny, that's almost an existential question, isn't it? Danny asks where Janet is. Mary's still freaked about the dog, so she just stammers, "What? I didn't touch anything." Some new best friend you turned out to be, Mary. Danny calls for an exact location on Janet Ellis, and they both look at the covered plate of doom. They lift it to find a very-much-alive Kiki. So close to Baby Jane territory, but they came up a little short.
Sandy comes in to talk to Big Ed, who tells her the show's cancelled. She's all, "Are you out of your mind?" Big Ed counters that he's just trying to protect Janet. Sandy protests that she's got a boatload of people protecting Janet. Big Ed says, "And a damn fine crack team they are too, I might add. Since someone just strolled into her dressing room and tried to serve up Fido for dinner." Sandy looks a little taken aback, then hands Big Ed a piece of paper, quipping, "Corporate synergy at its finest. The company that owns the Montecito resort group hired me not only to protect Janet, but to protect their investment. No cops, no bad press. I'm here to make sure this concert happens. It's not coming from me, Ed. It's coming from the board." Big Ed blah-blah-blahs about the stalker thing and claims the stalker is going to make his move tonight, then checks out a tape and concludes that the stalker will actually be in the orchestra pit somewhere. He orders Danny to check it out.
Danny is sprinting across the casino floor to do just that when he gets waylaid by Mrs. Big Ed. There's some small talk about how Big Ed stood Mrs. Big Ed up, and she's on her way to talk to Delinda, and isn't Danny a sweetheart, and then the camera zooms on over to Delinda, who is talking with Nessa about the plotline I dislike. Nessa's saying there's no way to pay out the jackpot, but she'll think of something, and then Mrs. Big Ed comes on over, kisses them both on the cheek, and says, "My two girls." Awww.
Danny's backstage, talking to someone on the cell phone about how someone could have snuck a weapon into the orchestra pit. Have you checked the violin cases yet? He would, but he's still working his way through the brass section because there's a new guy in the trombone section. Danny asks, "Was he cleared by security?" The stage manager snots, "Isn't it your job to know that?" Go stage manager! Anyway, we've got our stalker. Danny's about to engage in another footrace, but first, he has to deal with Mary. This woman's timing is uncanny. She'd like to know what's going on, but Danny's pretty spare with the details, telling her only to keep Janet in her dressing room for as long as possible.
In the shot, Kiki is lolling about on a red velvet cushion while Janet makes like Benton in the old opening credits on ER (how I loved that kung-fu surgical tube move!) and bellows, "Yes! I am ready!" Again with the loud! This woman's vocal cords must be made of Teflon. Mary tries stalling, but it's useless in the face of a natural force such as Janet. Sheryl Lee Ralph looks like she's having a lot of fun playing this part. Mary eventually stops Janet with, "I'm going to be real honest with you here. Janet." Janet's panicky now. Oh, that's just great. At least Mary's managed to delay the show. Or she will once she tells Janet, "You looked much hotter in that other dress." Mary sprints on over to get the other dress -- a slinky green number, as opposed to the gold va-va-voom thing Janet's wearing now -- ands holds it up so Janet can see. "Eh? This?" Janet looks, has her sartorial epiphany, then hollers, "PEOPLLLLLLLLLLLLE!" What vocalist wouldn't bellow like a Raiders fan minutes before their first concert in three years?
And now it's time for the chase scene. See Big Ed, Sandy, and Danny run after the nameless trombone-playing stalker. Run, security, run. Fortunately for the trombonist, he's only being chased by those three people, since it's not like this is a high-profile event or anything.
Janet takes the stage. She does indeed look fabulous, but she is singing one of the most moronic songs ever. Get a load of these lyrics: "I met the boy in Paris / And he mistook / A little bit of funny was all I spoke / On body language we got by / And the little twinkle in his eye / The boy, he licked my life up / He licked it good, tutti frutti / Had me giving more than I could / With no corny words to turn me off / No need for voulez-vous coucher…" And on it goes, while a skeleton crew chases on after an armed stalker. Perhaps he objects to lyrics like "Less talk, more action / My boy is not the cleverest in the land / He may have a few bubbles in his think tank." Big Ed takes down the stalker just in the nick of time. Onstage, completely oblivious to the contretemps backstage, Janet sings about how she don't need no supercalifragalistic man. The way she bugs out her eyes and extends an arm toward the audience does more to sell that line than a bag full of hundreds ever could. As Janet sings, "A little less yada-yada / Less talk, more action," Sandy makes one more broad pass at Big Ed. I'm too dazzled by the incredible obviousness and self-referentiality of the song lyrics to notice how Big Ed lets her down easy.
And now, Big Ed has to deal with Brunson. The two men shake, and Brunson compliments him with, "I have to say, Ed, you run a very tight ship. Incredibly loyal staff. I'm really enjoying my time here." Big Ed corrects him with, "You've clearly enjoyed your time here. I want you to have a safe trip." Brunson tells him to kiss off with, "A sort of mano a mano thing here. I like that." Big Ed's all, "If you liked that, you're going to love how I'm calling security on you!" Sam's grinning. After some back and forth, Brunson tells him, "I really liked the way you handled that Janet Ellis situation. You did a hell of a job. Which is why I'm going to let you keep it." Big Ed speaks for us all with. "Would you care to run that by me again?" It turns out Brunson visited the Montecito as an exercise in due diligence prior to buying the Montecito Resort Group. To get all ironical on us, Brunson says, "First order of business: these so-called 'whales' are only valuable when they're gambling. You draw a line in the sand. A couple of weeks of freebies is a little long, but not bad. We'll work on it, won't we, Ed?" Big Ed looks dubious, until he finds out that he gets to have operational control of the Montecito and a big fat raise. That settled, he and Brunson shake on it. Danny goes to shake, and Brunson leaves him hanging. Poor, stoogey Danny.
Because that episode was in danger of ending on a high note, we cut to Little Miss "It's not fair! I did nothing wrong!" filming a PSA saying, "Don't gamble until you're 21, because if you do, you'll have to whine about it until people give $100,000 for making a little commercial." Or at least that's the message I got after Nessa gave her the $100,000 check. There is much screaming and jumping up and down in Lani's entourage.
Finally, Big Ed calls Jillian and tells her to put on her gondolier outfit, because he's coming home for a ride. Without Sandy -- she gave at the office. Kidding! Big Ed makes nice with the wife, and that's the episode.