Zoom, zoom went the lens on the screen, and zing, zing went the strings of my heart.
Oh, not really. That'll happen when Ben Browder appears as Danny's troublemaking older brother -- and how relieved are you to have my Browder plea over with in the first three sentences of the recap? -- but the camera is zooming. It zips in through the Montecito's front door and on to a big pile of chips a dealer is pushing across the table. A Filipino couple checks out the stack with more than a little interest. The roulette wheel dealer throws the ball and spins the wheel and the man says, "I see red." You know, with that little moustache he's got going on, this could easily get weird and gory where he sees red and then there's a bloodbath over by the nickel slots. Big Ed could comp the survivors.
Anyway, this guy sees red, so he moves his mountain of chips to a red slot. The wife sees a bad idea. This guy sees more red. She sees a chance to move the chips back, but the dealer checks her, reminding her that betting is off when the ball's in play. By this point, Mister Moustache is repeating, "I see red! Red! Red! Red!" and he is one octave away from sounding like Danny wandering around the Overlook chanting, "Red rum! Red rum! Red rum!" We go to a computer-generated shot of the ball rolling around the rim and shouting, "Whee! I love centrifugal force! Or is it centripetal force? I'm all dizzy! I can't remember! Wheee!" and then the ball passes out in a black spot.
Well. Now Mrs. Moustache is seeing red. She stalks off lest she turn into one of those women who Makes A Scene in public, and stops in the middle of the casino floor, realizing that the evil design geniuses who put this casino together did so precisely to disorient people so they'd wander around, spending more time than they intended to and therefore dropping a lot of money. Fortunately for her, Mary happens to be hovering nearby. The shorter woman asks Mary if she knows where the restroom is, and Mary says she'll walk Mrs. Guest Plot on over herself. Oh, Mary, that's your second mistake. Your first was letting the editorial staff of FHM magazine dress you in the morning.
Mary then makes her third mistake by asking if Mrs. Guest Plot is having a good time. "I was. And then my husband saw red," she says non-sequiturially. Mary plasters a grin on her face and keeps on strolling along.
Cut to a well-appointed ladies' room where someone is sitting on a couch in the lounge and sobbing dramatically. Delinda wanders on over, then does a double-take -- possibly because this woman looks like a hideous fashion Don't. Delinda asks if the woman's okay, and the woman lies unconvincingly that she's fine. Delinda sits down and asks, "Are you sure? 'Cause you don't look fine. That pleather motocross jacket and your 1998 dot-com nerd glasses totally clash with your soccer mom hair." "Oh, yeah? I'm not the one who needs to drag a comb through her hair before finding a twelve-step program for tanorexia," the woman shoots back. Or maybe this scene only includes Delinda being all solicitous. Anyway, the Don't fake-sobs, "My boyfriend." Delinda rolls her eyes and speed-mumbles, "Don't even get me started on men. We'll be here all day." Somewhere, Danny looks up, stricken by the sudden and irrational fear that a group of women are about to make fun of him. More than usual, that is. Anyway, Delinda hands over a Kleenex, and the Don't gives a big, model-radiant grin as she takes it. Then the Don't asks the question that would make a sane person back down: "Ever have one try to kill you?"
Fortunately, the fashion Don't asked her question of Delinda, so good judgment isn't really an obstacle to finishing the conversation. After Delinda makes the one smart response to the "My boyfriend's trying to kill me! Woe!" revelation ("Maybe we should call the police?"), she's quickly swayed by the Crazy. For those of you unfamiliar with the Crazy, it's what presents elaborate, conditional situations in which the most logical solution is to be avoided at all costs. Clear and effective courses of action are out of the question, because that would require the Crazy to either ditch the high drama revolving around him or her, or sack up and take responsibility. The Crazy cannot be stopped, and it cannot be contained; your only option is to back away slowly from the Crazy before it infects you.
Anyway, Little Miss Don't -- who also appears to have taken all those fashion mags exhorting a smoky eye for Fall 2003 a little too much to heart -- quickly spins a tale of psycho boyfriends who can be put off if Delinda will cash in this person's casino chips. Instead of saying, "You're on. Meet me in 25 minutes at Club Mystique and I'll give you your cash," Delinda the security chief's daughter makes a mystaque and offers to buy the chips off the Crazy. As the Crazy hands over the chips, we see a small red heart tattooed on the juncture between her thumb and her index finger. Also, we see that Miss Crazy/Don't is wearing Chanel Vamp, possibly in homage to the heady mid-nineties run when Donna Martin was sporting it in between thrashings from her no-talent boyfriend Ray the musician. Anyway, Delinda hands out relationship advice. If this show had a Greek chorus, this would be where they start chanting about situational irony.
So then Delinda's sauntering across the floor with a big plastic cup full of chips. She and Nessa greet each other warmly, and then Nessa checks the cup and says haltingly, "Employees aren't supposed to gamble while they're working." Wouldn't this be something you wouldn't have to tell Delinda, what with her being the security chief's daughter? Anyway, Delinda blithely says that she's cashing the chips in for "a friend," and Nessa examines the chips. They look like they were whittled by someone who had never actually been inside a casino. How on earth did Delinda miss this? Nessa calls for Danny, then asks Delinda where her friend got them. Delinda's all flustered as she replies, "I don't know. I thought here." See? The Crazy clouds everyone's thought processes while it happens.
Danny picks that moment to appear and ask what's going on. Nessa wordlessly hands him a chip, and he says, "These are counterfeit." We know, Danny. Take notes! We don't have time to keep tracking back and explaining to you. Anyway, Delinda repeats that she was trying to do someone a favor, then asks, "We don't have to tell Daddy, do we?" Danny gives her a look like, I can't believe I slept with you and didn't get a sexually transmitted case of the stupids, and then grins before pointing out the surveillance camera above their heads. His grins gets even bigger, and he holds up a luridly magenta chip to the camera.
We zoom up to the security office, where Big Ed is watching the screen. Delinda gives him a resigned look. From the camera angle she's at, she's all square jaw and arched eyebrows, and the unexpected Jessica Simpson-like resemblance makes me if there's some sort of bizarre connection. Big Ed grimaces, just as he always does when Delinda screws up.
And then Elvis asks us to stop with the yip-yap and get down to action.
Commercial time! Good God, but Ed looks a zombie show. Someone hunt down Marie Laveau's descendants and ask them to lift the curse and let the poor thing rest in peace.
Once we're back, Delinda's curled up on the couch in Big Ed's office, listening to Danny crow about the many ways in which it's totally obvious the chips were fake. Big Ed catches a chip, looks at it, and then says, as if Delinda's stupidity is causing him great pain, "I'm your father, I work in a casino. And you took chips that look like they were made by a zoo animal." Oh, Big Ed, it'll be okay. Danny giggles a little. Delinda tries to give him a look, but she's also got to concentrate on giving her daddy the right blend of defensiveness and contrition. Big Ed continues, "Now, how do you think that makes me look? A -- good. B -- not so good." Delinda shoots back, "I'm sorry! You never invited me to Take Your Daughter to Work Day!" Nice one. Big Ed counters that Delinda was off doing Europe. Delinda shoots back, "You were the one who thought I needed an education." Big Ed gets the last word with, "Exactly, so you could be taken by some two-bit hustler in the ladies' lounge of my casino. Money well spent, I see." Delinda's sitting on the couch with her arms crossed, sulking about how all Big Ed has to do is check the security cameras. Danny points out that there aren't any cameras in the bathrooms. There's a certain segment of the audience that will be disappointed with that.
Delinda asks what happens now. Big Ed makes like he doesn't understand, as opposed to saying, "What happens is that you're $400 bucks poorer and wiser. Think of it as one percent interest on the money I spent on your education." Delinda snaps, "Aren't you going to sic Boy Wonder here on her?" Another good one! Big Ed points out that Crazy/Don't went on her merry scheming way and yes, Delinda is $400 bucks poorer and wiser. Delinda sulks as she thinks about all the gallons of fake-bake those benjamins could have brought her. Danny leans in and says all smugly, "Try not to be so gullible time." Rich words coming from someone who either didn't ask Delinda her last name before humping her or didn't realize Delinda and Big Ed Deline might have a connection. Delinda, unfortunately, gets unnecessarily crass in her response: "You thought sleeping together meant I loved you." There are ways to put that which are equally insulting without being so rude, you know? ["Or so banal. Cram it, Duh-linda." -- Sars] Delinda heads out by offering to set Danny up with a few of her friends, but Danny doesn't take pity fix-ups from exes.
After Delinda heads out, Big Ed -- who has either been sitting silently and watching this whole exchange, which seems kind of creepy, or has been phasing in and out of this dimension as necessary, which is also kind of creepy -- tosses Danny a red leather box. Apparently a Mr. Helman wants to show Danny his appreciation by giving him a big, expensive watch. Danny says, "Holy crud, that's some serious bling!" Big Ed leans forward in his chair and asks, "What-- bling? What-what-what the heck is bling?" If it makes you feel better Big Ed, once upon a time, I didn't know either. ["And excuse me, but -- 'crud'? What is this, a Bazooka Joe comic? Learn how actual people talk, 'writers.'" -- Sars] Danny's all, "It just means 'nice watch,'" and Big Ed continues, "Oh, I see. I thought you were referring to -- you know, Delinda." Oh, Big Ed is such a yenta. He totally wants Danny for a son-in-law so he can pretend he's finally got the son he never had. Anyway, Danny grins absently, "Nah. 'Bling' is not a word that I would use to describe Delinda." Big Ed grins and baits the trap: "Exactly what word would you, you know, use to describe Delinda?" You just know he's hoping the answer is "marriageable" and Danny will be effecting a Vegas-style Taming of the Shrew on Delinda. Instead, Danny just stammers, "Uhhhh…" Big Ed gives him a look. Come on, Danny! There's "debased," "debauched," "decadent," "degrading," "delightful," "delicious," "delusional," "demented," "demonic," "delirious," "despicable," "deceptive," "determined," "detrimental" -- you could even try for "decorous" or "demure" if you could get it out with a straight face. And you'd be delivering your verdict with assonance! Tragically, Danny is no vocabulary maven, so he just stammers his way into getting glared at by Big Ed.
And now, it's time for Sam's useless plot of the evening. She is escorting two apparently-valued guests to an empty blackjack table. One is tall with a full head of hair; one is short and nearly bald. They look at the table and go into a standup routine about how they can't play at that particular table because there's another, specific table they always play at. Sam, ever the Montecito businesswoman, points out that if the table limit's too low, the casino can raise it. The two guys insist that they always play their first hand at table 44. "Always," Sam says flatly. "Always." "Always," the two guys confirm separately. Sam walks over to Nessa and explains sotto voce, "Steadman and Weston…" Wait -- like Michael Steadman and Elliot Weston? From thirtysomething? That would explain why they're such pains in the asses. We should only be so glad they're not sitting curled up in a ball under a blackjack table, complaining about how uncool life is since they had to grow up. Also, how funny is a thirtysomething shout-out on a show that Timothy Busfield has directed?
Anyway, Sam explains the situation to Nessa, who says she'll close down the table for shift change, and tells Sam to bring back the boys -- each of whom is good for $100,000 in gambling -- in ten minutes. I can't believe Sam's going to all this trouble for people who are dropping less than a million bucks. Apiece. Sam heads back over to Steadman and Weston and tells them they should go get drinks while they're waiting: "Club Mystique. It's a new club. You're going to love it." "Club Mystique," says Steadman. "It's got a lot of mystique," deadpans Weston. Heh.
Nessa, meanwhile, closes off the table and heads across the floor to get suckered by Crazy/Don't, who is now wearing Lee Press-On Nails in Petty Graft Pink and an ash-blonde shag wig. We know it's Crazy/Don't from the tiny heart tattoo on her hand. She reaches out said hand to grab Nessa and ask her where the lost-and-found is, explaining that she lost some jewelry. Nessa says she was heading in that direction, and offers to take Crazy/Don't as she goes.
Cut to a security woman pulling out a big lockbox while Crazy/Don't explains that she knows this is a long shot, but she's got to ask. For a moment, Nessa looks like she has a brain, asking, "Do you have the matching [earring]?" but the Crazy rears its head with a long, complicated explanation while Nessa paws through the box in plain sight. That would seem to be an invitation to theft -- wouldn't it be more prudent to ask someone to describe a lost piece and see if something similar ends up in the lost-and-found? That would seem to discourage people who are all, "It's…gold. Yeah, that's it. Gold. With…diamonds around the bezel. Yes…it's a man's watch. I didn't mention that before?" Anyway, Nessa asks what the earring looks like, and as she picks over a diamond, Crazy/Don't says, "It's a diamond stud…about half a carat…with a gold stem…that's it!" Nessa picks up the earring, notices it has a platinum stem, and goes to cut the transaction short, but the Crazy picks up again with an elaborate sob story, so Nessa shuts her up by comping her a night's stay. I'm sorry -- did I miss the episode where we found out the Montecito's actually a non-profit organization? Since when do people get comped for losing earrings? Who aren't rich or famous?
Anyway, we leave that scene and get our token scene with Mike out of the way; as the cool valet strides off, Danny trots up beside him and says, "I got a question --" "Boxers. Definitely boxers," Mike replies without breaking stride. Heh. Danny continues, "Delinda wants to fix me up -- is there something pathetic about that?" "Yes," Mike says smoothly. "There is, right?" Danny confirms. "Yes," Mike says again emphatically. Oh, these two are so cute together. I don't know what it says about this show that the interactions between the same-sex regulars are always so snappy and fun to watch, while the opposite-sex badinage is so dreary. Oh, hey, speaking of opposite-sex badinage, here comes Mary, collecting material for her daily "Guess what moron thing Danny did today?" email bulletin. She snipes at Danny, "Dumps you, and then pities you." Danny points out that he's very capable of finding his own women. Mary shoots back, "Or one finding you." Way to go, Mary -- that's not making Mike uncomfortable at all. "I hear cars honking. I'm going to get back to the valet," he lies, and then makes a hasty exit. Mary and Danny continue walking, and she asks, "So?" Danny replies, "So…? You just kissed me out of nowhere the other day." Mary asks, "And?" Danny's lost here: "And. It was...erm, eh…" Mary walks off. Probably the best move at that point.
She immediately runs across Mr. and Mrs. Guest Plot -- you know, "I see red! Red!" and his wife. They're laughing, and Mary asks if they used the free buffet tickets. Cosme (that's his name) says, "She enjoys the crab of king." Mary replies, "Maybe now you'll come up at the roulette table." How on earth did we move from crustaceans to gambling? Anyway, we find out that Cosme and the missus have exhausted their gambling reserves, and Cosme pulls out a chip and says he's all about hitting the table with a lucky $5 chip. Mary points out that there's more to Vegas than gambling, adding that there are restaurants, museums, and the Las Vegas 51s. Yay, baseball! As it turns out, Cosme and his better half are hip to the non-wagering forms of entertainment; they're here to see Wayne Newton before going back to Fresno to a life of unemployment, what with Cosme having been laid off. Cosme repeats reverentially, "Wayne Newton!" and steps forward a bit. We then go to pupil-cam, where Mr. Las Vegas himself is singing. The wife brings him down to earth with, "But now we can't see him, because you saw red." You just know she brings things up years after the fact; they're going to be eighty, and he'll leave a plate in the sink, and she'll snipe, "Now I'll have to wash that in cold water -- because you saw red." Anyway, Cosme reassures the wife, Leonor, that he'll win the money back somehow. Leonor drags Mary into this with, "My husband is a good man, but he's full of dreams, and you cannot live on dreams." Am I the only person on earth who thinks that airing out long-running marital contentions in front of strangers is inappropriate? Or maybe it's the thing to do, since Mary turns around and tells them that Cosme can keep his lucky chip to help him find a new job, since she's going to hook them up with free Wayne Newton tickets. I repeat: when did the Montecito become a not-for-profit organization? Anyway, Cosme goes to thank Mary by breaking into song -- "Danke Schoen" -- and Leonor adds that Cosme sings like Wayne Newton in the shower.
Back in Sam's plot, the shorter guy (whom the closed captioning identifies as Elliott, thus bolstering my conviction that this is a thirtysomething reference) asks how long the club's been open. Sam tells him it's been three weeks. The taller one -- that would be Elliott -- looks at a buxom worker, and the shorter one -- let's call him Michael -- rolls his eyes. Elliott explains, "This is Vegas -- I got to bet on something." Sam points out that their table will be ready in moments. Michael and Elliott turn around to regard the violently blonde woman and her impressive décolletage. Michael says, "Ten grand says those are implants." Elliott thinks otherwise. Sam interrupts the debate to point out that the table's ready, but Michael and Elliott are heading over to the waitress as Sam trots in their wake, saying, "Table 44? Guys -- your table is so ready." Michael says hi to the woman, and Elliott explains, "My friend and I, we just made a little wager." Michael cuts in, "I'm saying that those fabulous curves of yours, those magnificent, spectacular breasts are store-bought." Elliott adds, "And I believe that your lovely hooters are all-natural." Nice. The blonde smiles tightly for a moment, then looks over at Sam, who makes a face like, "Be my guest." Then she smacks them both. Heh. I like this version of Michael and Elliott -- no introspective babbling here! The two guys continue debating the fake vs. real issue until Sam interrupts with, "I'd call that a push."
And now, it's time to get Danny out to the pool for some contrived reason so he too can be lured into the Crazy/Don't web of deception. He literally stops speaking as she gets out of the water to the kind of montage that should be totally unnecessary now that Skin has been cancelled. Crazy/Don't -- who's actually wearing a very nice black bikini and looking quite fetching as a brunette -- notices Danny checking her out, and then she sees the bling on his wrist. She gives something off to her right a long stare, and then turns her attention back toward Danny. I guess she was given some other guy the come-hither, but she changed her mind in the millisecond it took for him to get in her personal space, and a little altercation ensues. This is the equivalent of an engraved invitation for someone with a rescue complex like Danny to interfere. He heads on over and asks if everything's okay, and Crazy/Don't replies that "he doesn't seem to understand the meaning of 'I don't want a back rub.'" Well, then, can you send him my way? I'm always up for a back rub. Danny steers her off, then blocks the guy with a smug little smile, noting, "I think you're making my friend a little uncomfortable. I'm going to ask you to leave the pool area for a little bit." The other guy says skeptically, "Your friend." Danny reiterates, "My friend." "Really?" the other guy asks. Danny confirms it. The guy checks out Crazy/Don't -- you know, in the light, that suit looks more dark olive than black -- and says, "I could have sworn she was just another Vegas pool bitch." I kind of like the phrase "pool bitch." Is that wrong? Anyway, Danny tells the guy that Crazy/Stupid is out of his league, a phrase that always makes me crack up because I think of that awful Patrick Swayze song, and then Danny adds, "When I kick your ass in front of all these people, it's going to take years of therapy just to get over the embarrassment." The guy looks like he's battling the urge to break out laughing. Danny tells the guy to scram. He does, barely hiding his grin. Crazy/Don't walks up at that point and asks Danny what he said. Danny replies, "I just told him we were getting married tomorrow." She says, "Well, that doesn't give us much time to get acquainted. I'm Shelly." Before she offers her hand, she pulls her untied bikini top off through her tank top. Smooth move! It's charmed Danny.
Commercial time! Good God, does anyone actually watch NBC on Tuesday nights? Should there be a twelve-step program for people who do?
Once we're back from commercials, Danny's making a smoove move by saying, "Since we are getting married tomorrow, we should do some kind of rehearsal dinner tonight." Shelly's up for that: "I don't know about dinner, but we should definitely rehearse things." What, like one-act pieces? Monologues?
And now, back to Elliott and Michael. They've got the table, but now the boys are fussy because these are not the green stools they're used to. Nessa scurries off to get facilities to get the old stools -- again, I cannot believe two higher-level employees would sink this much time into two gamblers who will be giving the casino less than a quarter million combined -- and the two want to go for a Rudy's chili burger. Sam tells them she'll have a limo outside in five minutes. Elliott adds, "With you driving, I hope." Sam's all, "Me?" Elliott adds, "We don't like professional limo drivers." Elliott is making life unnecessarily difficult on himself, since it's not like too many people get the operating license for those things for fun. Sam points out that she doesn't really like to drive. Michael cuts in with, "Sam. It's not really our style, but we don't want to have to take our action over to the Palms." Frankly, if I were Sam, I'd be snapping, "Feel free, small fry. I can spend more time on real high rollers," but there's a reason she's in the hospitality business and I am not. So she tells them she'll meet them outside in five minutes.
Just then, Mary appears to make her life more complicated by asking for two tickets to the Wayne Newton show. Sam can't help her: "He's sold out and our VIP allotment is already gone." Given that Wayne Newton is a big draw, and Cosme and Leonor had apparently already paid for a nonrefundable vacation, plus they're big Wayne Newton fans, wouldn't they have already booked tickets? Or would that have been too logical? Mary suggests all sorts of desperate trade strategies for getting the tickets, and Sam eventually tells her, "Unless their line of credit exceeds the gross national product of Belgium, there's not a chance." "Is that in euros or in dollars?" Mary asks. No, she does not. She tries to give Sam the same hard-luck story she got, and Sam says, "Sweetie, I can't give you what I don't have." Sam wanders off, and Mary's left shouting to the room at large, "His idol's Wayne Newton!" And I ask again, if Wayne is such a big deal, wouldn't Cosme have made arrangements ahead of time?
Anyway, as Mary stands there feeling all frustrated, Danny walks by and tells Shelly of the culinary delights that await her during their evening at Peel. As they're walking along, Shelly catches sight of Delinda (still in her white disco outfit, which leads me to think Shelly's a con artist with superb time-management skills, what with having pegged three Montecito employees before dinner) and steers Danny in the opposite direction with pleas for lip balm. She bolts, and Delinda asks Danny teasingly, "Who's your friend?" Danny gets a stupid, cocky look on his face, and tells Delinda to scram and take her fixing-up ideas with her. Danny has clearly never heard of hubris. Delinda saunters off after dropping the idea that it might be fun to double-date. Yeah, because that wouldn't be awkward at all.
Michael (and yes! It's confirmed by closed-captioning!) and Elliott are sitting on the floor of the elevator bank, betting each other $10,000 to see which elevator opens first. Sam walks up, saying, "Of course you're not outside, because you're here." The guys shush her as they wait for an elevator to open. Sam, who is squatting back on her heels, lets her head drop to her knees as she sends a plea for patience out to an uncaring universe. As Sam gets up and walks off again, two elevators open and both men shout, "Gah! Mine went first!" Sam turns around; the two guys ask her in unison, "Sam?" She ducks the question by saying she didn't see anything. Michael asks, "How could you not see --" "I turned around --" Sam starts, and Elliott says, "We could check the surveillance tapes." "There we go," Michael replies. Heh. These two are quite the little comedy team. Sam assures them she'll talk to someone about that, then steers them off toward their chili burgers.
As Sam is corralling both men through the lobby, Michael notices an ad for Laughlin. She comes back, urging him to keep moving. Michael asks how far it is to Laughlin. Sam tells him it's 100 miles. Elliott immediately says, "I say Sam can get us there and back in under three hours." Yeah -- she'd only have to do about 70 miles an hour, assuming they didn't actually stop in Laughlin. Sam points out that she's not doing illegal driving. Michael adds, "Fifty thousand says we hit traffic. It'll be at least three-plus hours." Elliott says, "Sam?" She peels her eyeballs off from the back of her head, where they were stuck during a monster eye-roll, and says warily, "Yes?" "We're going to Laughlin," Elliott says. As Michael passes her, he adds, "Road trip." And Sam is about to spend three hours of her working day with these guys…why? Because all the millionaires are off having their annual We Secretly Run The World meeting in an underwater volcano lair?
Mary is killing time backstage. Just then, Wayne Newton walks up, and Mary's incredibly surprised to see him. What, did she think he held a grudge? It's kind of hard when you've got $19.3 million of NBC's money following a successful lawsuit for libel. Anyway, what did she expect, lurking backstage at a performer's rehearsal? Mary's all, "Wayne Newton!" He mugs and asks, "Where?" Get that? Celebrities are funny when you approach them and state the obvious! They love it! Anyway, Mary gushes for a while and says she never expected to run into him, and he replies, "In the Wayne Newton theatre! Who would have thought of that?" Heh. Anyway, Mary introduces herself, we find out that apparently Big Ed and Wayne are thisclose, and after some more blathering, Mary scores super-duper VIP seats for Cosme and Leonor. She ends the scene giggling and running off, giddy with victory. It's a good look for her; the producers really should ditch the idea of putting her in weepy drama plots and play up Nikki Cox's natural ebullience and comic timing.
The camera zooms around to some pretty people dancing on a balcony set high above town, and then we're inside a restaurant that clearly enforces some kind of attractiveness code at the door. Danny and Shelly are busy sucking face. Eventually, this goes from merely tacky canoodling to the kind of slurpy groping that inspires onlookers to either shout for the two to get a room or to begin complaining that at least the damn sex shows in Bangkok feature people with their clothes off. Eventually, Shelly surfaces for alcohol, Danny gasps, "Your wish is my command," and Shelly replies, "It's lines like that which made me start drinking." Oh, not really. Anyway, some other woman goes walking by wearing a yooge diamond-encrusted bracelet. Shelly gets all distracted and makes her excuses to go to the ladies' room. Danny heads over to the bar and asks for a Vegas Special (whatever that is) and a beer. The bartender asks if he finally decided to come up for air. You know, if I were Danny, I'd be a little more circumspect about who I was humping in public, especially given how quickly everyone busts his balls over every little gaffe. Danny's all, "This girl is crazy!" I know! I've been saying that for 23 minutes now! Anyway, the bartender wants some of that crazy. Oh, no he doesn't. Danny comments on how busy it is in here; the bartender replies, "Britney and Christina had a catfight by the fire pit." That's Brittany Murphy and Christina Hoff Sommers, by the way. Danny asks who won; the bartender replies, "Every guy out here." Oh, life's a beer commercial when Danny's around. Just then, Shelly bids Danny to come back, then straddles him for another round of frottage before telling him, "I need you to do something before we both get arrested. Get us a room." Danny, who's under the impression that she's referring to indecent exposure as opposed to grand theft auto, is fine with that.
Meanwhile, Wayne Newton is singing "Suspicious Minds," to the beaming delight of Cosme and Leonor. Cosme is singing along.
As Wayne sings about how they can't go on with suspicious minds, Danny and Shelly rip off their clothes and commence screwing like barnyard animals. I'm thinking that this whole thing was shot while the show-runners still worried about having to wrest viewers away from Skin -- there's a lot of elaborate lingerie and so on. There is also a nice detail: someone has gone to the trouble of giving Danny a USMC tattoo.
Anyway, the camera switches back just as Wayne starts in on how they're caught in a trap, and we see him wooing people in the audience. Incidentally, I read that this is usually the second song in a Wayne Newton show, and he kisses an estimated 45 women during the number. Given that he performs 240 shows a year, that's 10,800 kisses. I hope his lips are insured, or he at least has some ergonomic expert making sure he doesn't get the nasolabial equivalent of carpal tunnel syndrome.
Then we're back to Shelly's complicated lingerie.
For the few minutes, we see the Wayne Newton show intercut with the Danny-and-Shelly show. Danny, it would appear, is a big fan of women on top, if his track record on this show is anything to go by.
Wayne makes eyes at a giggling Leonor, and asks Cosme to sing along. To everyone's shock and delight, Cosme has quite a nice set of pipes, so Wayne brings him onstage and they finish the song as a duet. Standing in the audience, Mary laughs with a lot of pleasure. Some guy who looks like Bachelor Bob: The Botox Years comes in and asks Mary who's singing. She replies, "That's Cosme, from Fresno." Cosme from Fresno has no idea how lucky he is to be invited onstage at a Wayne Newton show, as opposed to the Amazing Jonathan's. That's a show that would leave the down-on-his-luck Cosme hanging himself with his shoelaces at the end of the evening. Here, however, Cosme brings down the house with his finish on "Suspicious Minds."
Speaking of suspicious minds -- and, in this case, of people who don't have them -- Danny is trying a little change of pace by leaning down to kiss Shelly when his cell phone rings. Shelly implores him to ignore it. He checks the readout, and tells her, "If it were anyone else, I would." It's worth noting that he's still wearing his watch. Shelly must be losing her touch. Danny answers the phone, and Big Ed tells him he just heard about a diamond bracelet being lifted in the ladies' room at Peel, continuing, "It seems this woman was crying about an abusive boyfriend, the victim was giving her a sympathy hug, ten minutes later, she noticed the bracelet's gone. Height, weight -- everything matches that girl that ripped off Delinda." Is Big Ed ever motivated by a crime that doesn't involve Delinda? Danny suddenly puts two and two together, courtesy of a lot of flashbacks to how he met Shelly, and tells Big Ed, "I'm all over it." Heh.
Commercial time! My, but that Alka-Seltzer Plus ad where Bridezilla walks her flu-ridden dad through a blizzard so she can have her winter wonderland wedding is kind of dismaying.
Once we're back, Danny peels himself off a still-friendly Shelly and asks if he can see her purse; she protests that it's private. You know, it's kind of hard to make that complaint to someone you just had hot sweaty monkey sex with. Danny VOs, "I have a really embarrassing confession to make: I think I just made love to a thief." Danny maybe needs to consider a dating service with really stringent screening from now on. Sure enough, he finds the bracelet.
Shelly begins the damage control with, "I have a confession too." Danny tells her to save it for the police. Shelly breaks out the Crazy again and claims that the only reason she's been running cons in the Montecito is because the grinning pool boy, one Ray Duran, is a mobile collection agency for an $8000 loan she can't pay off. So she's been on a crime spree to settle her debts. Danny counters, "Unfortunately, stupidity isn't a legal defense, even in Vegas." Nice one! There have been a lot of good lines tonight. Shelly rallies to bring out some more Crazy, and Danny tells her, "If this Duran is really following you, it'll be on the surveillance tapes. I work security and surveillance at the Montecito, despite having one of the most gullible and trusting minds on the planet." Or something to that effect.
After the Wayne Newton show, Cosme is busy thanking his new knot of fans. Mary tells Leonor, "He's quite a singer." Leonor laughs, "'Suspicious Minds' sounds quite different in Tagalog." Just then, Bachelor Bob: The Botox Years comes over to ask if Cosme has sung with Wayne Newton before. Cosme replies, "I have not. Indeed, a dream come true." We learn that Bachelor Bob: The Botox Years is in fact Johnny Jooston, manager of the Montecito's Bella Sera lounge. So what was he doing lurking around the Wayne Newton theatre? Anyway, Johnny tells Cosme and Leonor to come in, and adds, "First round's on me!" Johnny walks off, and Cosme notes, "His card is red! My singing is bringing us luck!" Off he and Leonor go, singing "Suspicious Minds" in Tagalog. For those of you who are all, "Taga-what?", Tagalog is a Filipino language.
And now, Michael and Elliott are back. No word on whether or not they made it in under three hours. The table's all set up, the boys settle down, and Sam and Nessa are almost ready to relax…when Michael and Elliott begin clamoring for their usual dealer Julio. For reasons that passeth beyond my understanding, Sam and Nessa do not cut their losses and go to work on earning an easier $200,000 with someone else. Instead, Sam asks who Julio is, the guys babble on a little about him, and then Nessa tells them Julio retired last year. The two of them make as if to leave, and Sam assures them she'll find Julio. By the way, the neon sign for the Bella Sera lounge is right behind their table.
Danny's back in the security office, relating Shelly's entire tale of Crazy to Big Ed as the other man draws up Ray Duran's file for supporting evidence. He's got quite the dossier: a 1995 conviction for assault, followed by an extortion arrest in 1996 (he was acquitted), followed by a 1997 conviction for assault, and then "loan sharking," where he did five years of an 8-10 year sentence. Big Ed asks why Shelly owed Ray money. Danny replies, "She scammed him." And this excuse in no way made him wonder if perhaps he was ? He and Big Ed briefly discuss Shelly's lack of a record, and Big Ed brings up the possibility that Shelly was lying about her name. We then find out that Shelly's down in the conference room, and Big Ed's about to go down to talk to her. We also find out that Big Ed knows Danny showed her his badge, so to speak. I wonder how that conversation went.
Big Ed heads in to talk to Shelly and tells her, "You know, this situation we have here, it's got a lot of strange angles, Shelly." At least he seems immune to the Crazy. I bet Delinda and her antics provide a sort of acquired immunity to everyday Crazy. He continues, "For example, you know the girl you took for the phony chips? That was my daughter." Shelly quietly answers that she didn't know. Big Ed kind of shrugs: "Of course not. I mean, how -- how the heck could you? And I don't think you're that dumb." Shelly points out that dumb has nothing to do with Ray wanting to kill her. Big Ed replies, "So, assuming that we can find this, uh, creditor of yours, my plan is to…what? Convince him to forgive your debt?" Shelly's fine with that. Big Ed continues, "Then you and he will go your separate ways, and neither of you will ever darken the Montecito's doorways again." "Done," Shelly agrees. That will make it harder for her to keep seeing Da -- oh.
Cut to Sam hunting down Julio, who appears to be about 114, and taking advantage of his seeming senility to gull him into coming back to work. Well, nobody can accuse her of shirking the more unpleasant of her job duties.
Danny tracks down Ray on the security cameras. Once he confirms that Ray is indeed playing video poker -- and how much more fun would it be to have video dogs playing poker? Or a picture of dogs playing video poker? That would be funny. Oh, wait. Where was I? Oh, right: Danny identifies Ray as the guy in the black muscle tee, fresh off the set of I Love the Eighties, and orders security to watch him.
We go to Ray -- who, by the way, is not wearing a muscle tee as I remember them being defined -- and we see that Ray is trying to rob the machine, using what seems like a blackjack. Danny comes off the elevator. That seems so unnecessary; you'd think that a casino would actually have its security operations on the same floor as the casino itself. Anyway, a few security goons move in on one end, Danny moves in on another, and another set of security goons moves in toward Ray. Or maybe they're all deckhands on Judge Smalls's yacht: the blazers, chinos, and deck shoes certainly give that impression. Maybe the Montecito's going for a nautical theme. "Ahoy, matey! Come with us to the brig. No secrets between sailors, you old salt! Yarrrr!" Anyway, Ray catches sight of all these burly deckhands and takes off. There's a brief and pointless chase. The security guys don't really pursue so much as amble in a very specific direction. No wonder Danny doesn't call for backup often. Anyway, Danny catches Ray after Ray trips, and while crushing his trachea with a Cole-Haan jackboot, he deadpans, "We have a winner."
He, Ray, and Big Ed are in the interrogation room. Big Ed's kicking back with his feet up on the table. Hee! Danny's asking what they'll do with Ray, and Ray tries to whip out the Crazy with, "You better kill me, man, because when I get out of here, I'm going to straight to the cops. I'm going to report you for assault, kidnapping and unlawful restraint." Why does everyone become a lawyer the minute they walk into this room? Danny points out that Ray had a light wand. Ray points out, "I didn't use it." Big Ed sits up and says, "It doesn't really matter, see?" And then he whips out a knife and holds it to Ray's throat. Ray takes this about as well as can be expected. Big Ed asks, "What? I didn't use it." He continues that the knife is illegal, and then adds, "You walk into my casino with a cheating device, and you're going to jail." Ray switches to a different flavor of Crazy, claiming he's only turning to petty crime in the Montecito in between menacing Shelly for the $8000 she owes. Big Ed asks again, "Exactly how much does she owe you?" Ray replies, "Eight grand." Big Ed muses, "Eight. So that will be six. You get your money, you'll leave her alone." Ray replies, "I get my money, I never want to see that bitch again." Oh, breakups can get so ugly. Big Ed doesn't take his eyes off Ray as he orders, "Danny, give him your watch." By now, Danny should know when Big Ed has an elaborate bluff set up. And yet… "What? I'm not giving -- you give him your watch!" Oh, Danny. Either you need to get schooled in game theory and quick, or your play-acting in collusion with Big Ed is too subtle for most viewers. Eventually, Danny hands over the bling. Big Ed explains, "This is a Kronoswiss Classic. Eighteen-karat gold. Retails at ten thous --" "Twelve," Danny corrects him. My hankering for a simple Cartier tank watch seems humble by comparison. Ray takes the watch; Big Ed directs, "I don't want to see you anywhere near her. Is it a deal?" Ray holds out his hand to shake on it, but Big Ed growls at him to scram.
Commercial time! I love the commercial for the VW Jetta where the guy makes his little babysitting charges sprint up the hill and run on a treadmill. Hee!
When we come back, there's some big thing splashed across the bottom of the screen for Average Joe, which is possibly the most annoying network promotion I've seen outside the FOX channel. Sam brings Michael and Elliott over to the table, and presents Julio with a flourish. They're appreciative of her efforts to bully the codger into returning to his old job. She makes introductions; Michael's all, "Julio, what's happening?" while Elliott implores, "Be good to me, Julio." Julio's eyes seem to be fixed on death's doorway; he looks like he's reading the welcome mat. Both Michael and Elliott request markers for $10,000. Nessa hands the money over to a barely-responding Julio. He quavers, "Marker $10,000," after an age.
Sam finally says, "I think we need to hold the deal; I'm not sure Julio's up for this." Nessa looks like she agrees. Julio looks like he's checking out the robes on the choir invisible. Sam says, "I should have never let this happen. Julio, would you like me to take you home?" Michael is all, "Would you just let him deal the first hand? And then you can take him home." Sam says evenly, "Michael, Elliott. You're our valued guests, I feel like I've done everything I can to make you happy, but you understand that I don't want to embarrass Julio here." Michael and Elliott exchange looks. Elliott says, "Sam? We just thought that maybe he could, um…" Sam cuts in, "Well, he can't. And if another dealer is unacceptable to you, then you can gamble elsewhere." The two are quiet for a moment, and then Michael stops sucking on his teeth and grins as Elliott leans into the table and begins mock-sobbing into the felt. Sam glares, and Nessa checks out the whole scene with a deadpan mien. Michael is all, "Thank you, thank you -- you owe me $100,000." Elliott's all, "I thought for sure she would last longer." Sam asks what she had to do with it; the two explain that they had a little wager to see how long it would take to drive Sam crazy. Nessa quickly hides her smile. Michael leans forward and thanks Julio, who seems a lot more possessed of his facilities now, and warmly wishes them well until year. Nessa explains, "They pull something different every year." Sam turns around and gives everyone a thermonuclear-grade glare. Michael asks, "How are ya, Sam? Is something wrong?" "What?" asks Elliott. Sam stalks off. Elliott asks Nessa, "She's not mad at us, is she?" Nessa replies, "With Sam you can never tell but you know -- Hell hath no fury."
Back at Mary's ridiculous plot of the week: Cosme and Leonor are enjoying their free drink at Bella Sera. They're waiting to talk to Johnny Joosten. Mary only came by to drop off an autographed photo of Wayne Newton. It's signed, "From your biggest fan, Wayne Newton: Mr. Las Vegas." She also delivered Wayne Newton's bowtie. Cosme practically passes out from joy.
And now, Danny is bidding goodbye to the Crazy. She's all breathy and "How can I thank you?" He's all, "Well, little lady, your law-abiding ways would be thanks enough." Shelly's got nothing to say to that. She's all, "I want you to come visit me in Phoenix. Did I give you the number at my parents' house?" There's a big gooey kiss goodbye -- evidently she's passing along that number using the tongue-to-tongue version of Morse code. Danny looks thoughtful after she leaves.
We get a shot of the Strip by day with the cars speeding along it, and then we see Shelly sauntering down the aisle of a very nice tour bus, apparently on the way back home. She sits down to Ray, who slings a proprietary arm around her, and they do some serious kissing. Danny pops up just then and says cheerily, "Hey!" Shelly turns around, shocked. He grins and says, "And here I thought you liked me. She's right here, officers -- conspiracy, grand theft, fraud, take your pick." And here Shelly thought he liked her too. Danny walks off, grinning and shaking his head.
Cut to Michael bothering the harried hotel employee whom we've seen dealing with the woman who wanted to be comped when the great Dead Ken Marino embarrassed her onstage. He explains, "This bill is wrong. We don't get a bill." Elliott adds, "That's right -- same weekend every year, we're comped. You know, this is stupid. Why don't you get Sam Marquez down here. She'll clear this up." Michael adds, "$86,000 here! That's insane!" The woman says, "I'm sorry, sir. Apparently, there are outstanding charges dating back to 1993." The two protest that they were comped, and their complaints go up in volume as Sam goes sauntering by, popping S'mints in her mouth. They collar her, and she pretends not to know them, asking, "Can I…help you?" Elliott says, "Yeah. Could you explain to Virginia here that we're fully comped?" Thank you, Elliott, for giving me the name of a recurring background character. Elliott continues, "Yeah, she's giving us billing for the last ten years." Michael adds, "It's crazy." Those two actors -- Vincent Vintresca and Paul-Ben Victor -- have an excellent rapport, which is only understandable since they've worked together before, I guess. Anyway, Sam gives them a blank look and says, "The two of you were comped?" The two realize that Sam's stonewalling them; Michael says, "That's very funny. That's…I'm cracking up." Sam says, "I'm sorry. I usually remember all my clients, but it's an awfully large hotel. I can check with hospitality services for you." As she wheels off, Elliott calls out, "Sam, if this is your idea of a joke, I'm not laughing." Ah, but Virginia is, so isn't it all worth it, to make a tertiary character laugh?" Elliott protests, "She's charging my credit card $86,000." Sam replies, "Nice. Think of the miles." Seriously. You could probably fly to Australia on that! I'd love to go there, and to New Zealand. She walks off, leaving the two stunned, and Mary comes on over to ask, "You get 'em back?" Sam says, "Front desk is going to let them freak out for a few minutes and then blame it on the computer." Mary says admiringly, "You're bad!" Sam grins and says happily, "I know."
Up in the office, Danny gets another to grow on from Big Ed. It's got to be embarrassing having Big Ed lecture you on your sex life. Danny's all, "She could have been telling the truth." Big Ed says, "She could have, but she wasn't. That's why Duran's not wearing the real -- what do you call this?" "Bling," Danny supplies. Big Ed tosses over the watch. Danny protests, "I was onto her too, you know." And under her. And…well, pick your preposition. Danny comments on how unobservant Ray is, and Big Ed notes, "Well, con men are greedy. Greedy people are easy marks. Anyway, if you couldn't get a second-stringer like Duran, I would have been even more disappointed than I am." Danny protests, "More disappointed? Ed, they're in custody." Big Ed replies, "I'm disappointed in your, ah, social life management." Creepy! He continues, "I've got a list of approved girls here for you. Their names all start with Delinda. I'd also like you to consider becoming a born-again virgin until the day you exchange vows with my little girl." Or maybe that's just the subtext. Danny grins, "From an angel to the devil?" Big Ed, somberly: "Possibly, someday, I'll find the humor in that."
And now, the scene where we discover that all of Danny's coworkers read the daily "What stupid thing did Danny do today?" email. After getting razzed by Delinda and Sam over his bad luck, we find out that Danny missed the chance to get it on with twins. Aww. Who wouldn't be heartbroken at passing up the prospect of an incestuous three-way? Please don't answer that in the forums. Fortunately, we have Cosme to salve our pain -- he's now the lounge act in the Bella Sera, and Leonor is a cocktail waitress there. You know, they seem awfully thrilled to have suddenly relocated for a life of cover songs and drink-slinging. I can't help but think this is a really crappy ending for them; I mean, Fresno's not Paris of the central valley, but still…
Anyway, Cosme's velvet vocals put all the regulars in a festive mood, and they begin dancing in the back, all bopping together. Danke Schoen!