We start in the "California High Desert." Michael and KITT are roaring down the freeway while Alex briefs Michael via the heads-up display. It seems like he could have done that before flying Michael and the car all the way out to the desert, doesn't it? But then we wouldn't have a scenic backdrop for the exposition, which tells us that Michael is looking for the Chang brothers.
They pull up to a bar surrounded by dudes and chicks checking out expensive cars. Inside, a band is squalling out some of that rock and roll the kids like so much. KITT uses the bar's security cameras (which are, of course, full-color, surprisingly high resolution, and controllable via the Internet, I guess) to report to Michael that the Changs are not there. Michael could probably have found that out himself by looking around, but what fun would that be? Suddenly, the bartender flings a football at Michael. It's an old buddy, which would seem to ruin that whole "fake death" thing they did at the end of the last episode.
Michael claims that he's getting into racing again and KITT breaks in to tell him that Ian Chang's girlfriend is in the bar. This is where the heads-up windshield display pays off, because as KITT's talking, we see a picture of her with a caption saying "Celine Lea." Apparently KITT leaves the heads-up display running even when there's no one to see it. He should have a screensaver or something.
Michael does some kind of gross coin-flipping thing with the bartender and goes off to hit on Celine. KITT provides a background check, so we learn that she likes "bad boys and fast cars." So you just know she's going to be a well-rounded character. Michael uses his ill-gotten knowledge to impress her that he knows she's a Libra (seriously? Because "What's your sign" was a hackneyed opening line the first time this show was on) and tells her he wants to race. But just then! The Chang brothers come in to the bar, see Michael, and they fight. Well, they start to, but the bartender has a shotgun. Michael dares them to race. But the Changs only race for pinks! Everyone piles out of the bar, because it is clear that it is on.
There is vrooming of engines and establishing of race parameters. They'll be going out that way, turning around and coming back. The young lady without too many clothes on will be starting them off. You know the drill. KITT is a little worried about racing for pinks, since Michael isn't actually his legal owner. But there's no time to worry about that, because Alex is on the phone. Windshield. Windshield-phone. Point is, Michael is supposed to be infiltrating the Chang crew, not showing off his high-tech ride. Michael claims he has to impress the "big dog", which KITT thinks refers to an actual dog. Oh, you wacky A.I. When will you ever learn what figurative language means? Michael's explanation involves a lot more animal metaphors, including "pecking order" and "alpha male," but sadly there is no more confusion-based humor to be had. Instead, KITT comments that this is "an outdated concept," which is a bit rich coming from a 20-year-old show that's currently in the process of recreating a '50s drag race. Heaven knows we wouldn't want to be outdated. Incidentally, Chang has a red convertible with a jet engine or something.
They race past an oncoming car and now KITT and Michael are behind. Oh no! Michael orders KITT to switch to Attack Mode, which means that he'll go faster but look slightly sillier. KITT doesn't want to risk exposure, which is something he should have thought of last week, when he was zooming all over a city at 377 mph while on fire. So KITT flips to attack mode, gaining a spoiler and one of those engines that pokes through the hood. They catch up with Chang, but now there's an SUV sticking into the road. There's no way to avoid impact, except for turbo boost, which is naturally what they use.
While KITT is in the air, a kid in the SUV looks up through the sun roof and says "Sweet." For some reason, this freaks Michael out, so he says, "KITT, they can't see you like this. "Transforming midair could affect my structural integrity," responds KITT. Michael snaps, "We don't have a choice!" Reluctantly, KITT answers, "Transforming now." Okay, that whole conversation took place in midair, right? So they were up there for around 15 seconds, which is longer than the Wright brothers' first flight. And Michael thinks they'll be more inconspicuous if they change forms while flying through the air like that? Really? Maybe KITT's dialogue just takes zero time. That would help explain the line "Based on speed and trajectory, there is no way to avoid impact with the vehicle we are rapidly approaching," which was an obvious lie. It only took up one lane, and KITT started talking well before they would have needed to swerve.
Sorry. Sometimes the complete incomprehensibility of this show bothers me a little. While I was doing all that complaining, KITT blew out a tire due to all that structural instability he was talking about. Then Ian Chang slammed his convertible into a truck for no reason. Then Ian ran away just before the convertible exploded, which I guess has something to do with the fancy jet engine or something. Oh, and KITT has shut down. Credits! Finally!
When we come back from the ads (which include one for Sanctuary that makes it look like fun), Michael is getting yelled at while KITT is getting looked at in the green-laser spinny thing. Alex interrupts the fun to report that a US prototype satellite has been broadcasting encoded Chinese... something. There's more geobabble (that's a word I just made up; it's like technobabble but with more country names and less "reverse the polarity") and the point is that they think that the Changs are a front for a smuggling operation. This job, like all jobs, is vital to the security of our nation. Sarah continues to complain while tapping on something that looks like one of those portable dealies that the UPS delivery people make you sign.
Later, or possibly meanwhile, the Changs are in the parking lot of that bar yelling at each other. Apparently they needed that car, and the one that wasn't racing feels that it has been treated poorly. Ian claims that he shouldn't have lost, because the car changed in mid-race. Michael shows up out of nowhere to mock this claim and demand the car he won. Of course, that car is a burnt-out wreck that's been left by the side of the road, but it's the principle of the thing. Michael suggests taking a different car, which is met with threats of being buried in the desert. Finally, Michael gets around to doing his job, which somehow means that he wants to be sponsored as a driver. But didn't his car get burnt? No, because here's Sarah with KITT now.
After some weird come-on lines ("Mind if I look under the hood?") KITT, Sarah, and Michael drive off. KITT continues to comically misunderstand the difference between a "big dog" and an "alpha male". Sarah considers this macho bullshit, but Michael thinks it's better than KITT going to meditation class and "getting in touch with his inner Prius." Take that, hybrid cars! KITT proceeds to mess with Michael's head by talking in a female voice to remind him that a car is technically neither male nor female. Unless you're talking about the one in My Mother, the Car. And you're probably not.
Back at the bar, which is populated almost exclusively by scantily-clad women with a few friendly bikers thrown in for atmosphere, Michael and Sarah want a drink. Sarah asks for "Your best single malt, neat," which causes the bartender to say that she knows her Scotch. That doesn't mean she actually knows anything about Scotch, does it? She's just asking for the best stuff; the real test comes when she drinks it and starts noising off about "a hint of peat in the nose" or whatever. Sarah chats with the bartender, who was in Special Forces with Michael. He was also in prison for something or other.
Elsewhere in the bar, Celine apologizes to Michael, who gets the word from KITT that Ian is coming towards him with a knife. Michael takes Ian down but discovers that KITT didn't say anything about Johnny Chang and his gun. Johnny tells Michael that he can race for the Changs, but first he has to go steal a car exactly like the one Ian wrecked. Man, I think this was a mission in Grand Theft Auto IV.
Back at Knight HQ, we're getting a rundown on Dimitri Kasporov, who owns a car exactly like the one Michael must steal. KITT tells us that Grand Theft Auto is a crime. No, it's just rated MA. That's a video game rating joke. They're not very funny, are they? Sorry about that. Oh, and Alex has appeared on the upper level to issue dire warnings about how if Michael gets caught, he's on his own. I've just noticed that Alex's voice is almost exactly like Aasif Mandvi. Weird. He's even doing the same news-commentator pauses. Dmitri is the kind of guy who's surrounded by bikini girls at all times, so Sarah plans to put on a bikini. To steal the car.
Back outside the bar, Michael and the barkeep (I would have written his name down if I'd known he was going to have a lot of scenes!) have some macho banter. Then there's a call on the windshield. I guess Knight Industries must be located close to The California High Desert, since Michael's going back and forth a lot. Billy reports that there's no military hardware in the Changs' garage, but Alex (now tilting his head just like Aasif Mandvi does at the end of his reports) says that just means they haven't received the stuff yet. The car's being stolen tonight, but everyone's distracted by Sarah in a bikini. Especially Sarah's father. Michael leers at her, and they're off to Dimitri's "Mansion Compound." As advertised, it is full of young ladies with bikinis. And suspiciously round, firm -- let's just move on. They need an invitation to get in, so KITT scans one from about fifty feet away and prints out an exact duplicate. Sure, why not?
Oh, but that's not even the stupidest thing in this scene! Now KITT finds the car in the garage, scans his database for the key, and uses the "3-D Object Generator" to make one. You know, the 3-D Object Generator. The one that creates mass out of thin air, shaped however you want. It's in the back seat. You know, in case they need something like that. It even makes part of the key metal and part plastic. Sarah listens to some terrible music to "get in character", Michael brazenly namechecks GTA4, and Sarah walks off in slow motion. The bikini makes the slow motion happen!
Sarah turns on the magic high-res camera in her sunglasses and walks into the bikini-laden party. She calls the women bimbos and mentions Gloria Steinem, which makes all the skin she's showing suddenly important to the plot. Then she sneaks off to get the car, but she's surprised by Dimitri. He sleazes at her about making love in a half-million dollar automobile, so she knees him in the crotch, jumps in the car, and takes off. A security goon fires an Uzi at her as she splits, but apparently does no damage. More goons chase after her on foot, firing handguns. KITT follows her out, shuts the gate, and "scrambles the codes", which I imagine means that the goons are locked in with all the bikini chicks. So they escape with the car. Well, that certainly ate up some time.
As Michael and Sarah regroup in front of the bar, they banter a bit but then! Suddenly! Michael is leaning over KITT's hood when his special forces tattoo apparently moves over a fender-mounted barcode scanner or something. KITT's whole hood lights up with information on Michael's old life. The Changs round the corner, but KITT can't turn the display off, so naturally Sarah and Michael start making out on the hood. You know, to hide the display. Then they stop, toss Johnny the key to the stolen car, and we go to commercial on an awkward silence.
Oh! We're back. I didn't realize we were because the shots of KITT entering the unobtrusive, everyday GIANT HANGAR were the same ones as last week. I really thought it was a commercial for last week's show. I realize that doesn't make any sense.
When KITT, Michael, and Sarah arrive in HQ, Sarah strolls off and Michael starts frantically rubbing his tattoo on the hood. But answer came there none; KITT doesn't do the same thing as before, and Billy can't replicate it, either. Michael goes off to yell at Alex about it when Charles shows up to yell at Michael about Sarah being in danger. Did you follow that? Well, maybe you will be interested in knowing that KITT is watching old Westerns in order to learn traditional gender roles. It's a John Wayne movie, possibly Stagecoach. Sarah joins Michael in KITT to suggest that Sean (the bartender) has been making suspiciously large cash deposits, and maybe he's the one involved in the smuggling or whatever. Michael poo-poos this.
Back to the bar! Michael will be racing for the Changs, and Johnny warns him that he has 200 grand riding on him and doesn't take kindly to losing. Sean wishes him luck but denies having any money to bet. Michael frowns. Sarah and her magic sunglasses see the Changs talking to a short, balding white dude in a suit, so she follows them into the garage. Outside, the race is about to begin. Skreee! Vrooom! KITT identifies the guy in the suit as a weapons designer at Lawrence Livermore, and Sarah realizes that the technology is being smuggled as part of the cars. Ian finally notices that Sarah's wandering around back there and mumbling into her sunglasses, so he holds her at gunpoint. She disarms him and flees, which angers Johnny, but not as much as you'd think. He mostly just seems exasperated with his brother, really. Sarah gets into KITT, and Michael orders KITT to flee. Then he (Michael) creeps into the garage, where he promptly takes a wrench to the back of the head and goes down. Good job, dummy. Why does he ever get out of the car?
Michael wakes up with flies on his face and his head sticking up out of the ground. He's been buried up to his neck! And now he's being menaced by dune buggies. I personally don't find dune buggies that menacing. Did you see Jackie Chan's Rumble in the Bronx? That gang wasn't very menacing to begin with, but driving around in dune buggies festooned with Christmas lights sure didn't help. Sarah and the HQ bunch try to figure out where Michael could be, and Sarah finally asks Sean where Johnny likes to dispose of people. There's a place on the mesa. Come on!
Hey! I recognize this shot! KITT comes straight toward the camera on a flat desertscape while the theme song plays. This is the opening credits shot from the old series! Nice job. Inside, Sarah reluctantly shows Sean some of KITT's features, like the one where he turns into a 4x4 pickup truck. Meanwhile, the dune buggies drive around Michael's head. KITT switches back to car mode and wipes out the pickup truck Ian's driving. Sean goes into "Take it easy, hoss" mode on Ian, but then immediately smacks Sarah with the butt of the gun. He's a traitor after all. He tells Michael he loves him like a brother but can't walk away from this much money, blah blah blah. When we get back from commercials, the guy in the suit is attaching an EMP to KITT's hood. There's kind of a VWOOMP and back at HQ, Zoe and Billy are panicking. Sean smirks at Michael as KITT is wheeled into a truck. Sarah's tied up with duct tape and not really doing much.
Finally, Billy has a lead: he hacked the mobile phone network and found KITT's signal. Sure, it sounds implausible now, but if it was Morgan Freeman saying it to Christian Bale, you'd eat it up. Michael is getting the tar whomped out of him by Ian (who still has a broken arm, and is actually hitting Michael with it) while KITT slowly comes back on line. Then Michael gets the upper hand and Johnny gets jumpy with a machine gun and shoots up Ian while Michael hides behind him. All heck breaks loose, although the one guy who's on shallow grave duty keeps digging far longer than you'd think necessary, allowing Sarah to take him down.
Johnny walks toward Michael with a knife, having put all of his bullets into his brother, but KITT is back on line. The first thing KITT does is explode the EMP device (somehow) and then use a laser to cut Michael's handcuffs. He's got a lot of crazy abilities in this episode! Michael breaks Johnny's arm and knocks him out, then he and Sarah hop into KITT to chase after Sean, who is escaping. Sean is in danger of -- oh, there he goes over the cliff. It's a Thelma and Louise moment. Kaboom! Michael looks pensively at the fireball.
Back at HQ, Alex reports that the plot was resolved adequately, although he denies knowing anything about the mystery files from earlier. Michael goes down to chat with KITT, who's still watching the movie. There's some buddy-show banter, and we see the end of the movie and an old-timey "THE END."
I'm not actually sure that was Stagecoach. It would have been better if it were Bad Day at Black Rock, which was referenced in both an Original Recipe Knight Rider episode ("Good Day at White Rock") and and A*Team episode ("Black Day at Bad Rock"). And I think they almost used the same script, too. Don't quote me on that part, though.
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Montykins does not have a car that talks to him. Monty also watches a lot of movies, which he writes about on Monty on Movies. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.