All right, Knight Rider! Finally, we're recapping some classic television shows! Maybe we'll get some Riptide and Whiz Kids going, too! You probably don't remember Whiz Kids; it was a lot like Misfits of Science, except without the superpowers and the Courtney Cox.
And now, obviously, I do the bit where I say "Wait, what? We're not doing the David Hasselhoff Knight Rider? This is a new show?" bit and we all have a good laugh. Well, I don't feel like it. I just wanted to reference Whiz Kids, and now that I've done that we might as well just dive right in. There's no time to lose; this thing might be cancelled at any moment. In fact, I'll tell you a little Inside Recapping Secret: I'm actually recapping this using hulu.com because I'm worried the show will get the axe before it even airs.
Previously: the TV movie, and also the series from the 1980s. And wasn't there a Team Knight Rider that involved teenagers and motorcycles at one point? I'm almost certain that happened. Okay! Enough stalling. Let's light this candle, if that's an appropriate use of the metaphor.
We fade in on a place called "Foreign Consulate, USA". There are men in tuxedos, bald security personnel, women in fancy dresses, and exciting music. Michael (son of Michael Knight from the old series) catches sight of a briefcase and goes after it while announcing his intentions loudly. You'd think a guy with a high-tech earpiece like that would be quieter than your average Bluetooth jackass, but apparently not. The bald security goons notice him practically shouting "I'VE GOT IT IN SIGHT! SARAH? SARAH?" and close in while talking into their sleeves. That also could be less conspicuous. Meanwhile, in the "Vault Room" of the "Consulate Information Center," Sarah is monkeying with a computer and hiding a glowing Flash Drive in her cleavage. Wait, isn't that the worst place to hide it? I'm just saying, it seems like people are going to be looking there, what with the shiny, black, low-cut dress, the necklace shaped like a big cleavage arrow, and the 40%-exposed breasteses.
Security goons surprise her and threaten her with a glowing green ooze and a hypodermic needle. [It's Mutagen! Run, April O'Neil! - Zach] Michael realizes there's something wrong and calls on KITT. Finally! We're like a minute and a half into the show, and we hadn't seen a single car yet! KITT calls up a "Surveillance Tap", which he projects onto his... own... windshield? So he can see it better? I guess? Anyway, one of the four cameras that KITT has access to shows Sarah in the vault room. KITT informs Michael of this, helpfully adding, "You are not in the vault room." Having accessed Exposition Mode, KITT further explains that Michael has less than two minutes to "make contact, acquire the package, and retrieve the files." Man, this is about the vaguest show ever, isn't it? They're in an unnamed foreign consulate, and they have to get a generic package and some random files? Maybe they used up all their specificity on the car. (I hear it's a 2008 Ford Mustang!)
Spurred into action, Michael strides across the party, looking purposefully at a guy with a briefcase. He doesn't get very far before he's grabbed by a couple of goons. See, this is why I hate going to parties. I'm always afraid there will be goons. KITT helpfully tells us that there are four armed men. Michael is dragged through an "Authorized Personnel Only" door, and we hear the sound of punching. And then Michael walks back through the door! See, you thought he was being beat up, but really he was beating up those goons. It's a classic bit of misdirection. I did it just a few paragraphs ago myself, with that whole Whiz Kids thing. I'll shut up about that now.
Michael gets KITT to tell him how to get to Sarah, and they have some banter involving the phrase "keep your eyes peeled". You know how that one goes, I'm sure. Because KITT doesn't have eyes, which means that phrase is hilariously inappropriate. Oh, mercy. There's more banter, in which KITT tells Michael he could be running through the stairwell faster if he ate a healthy breakfast and didn't drink and canoodle so much. As Michael gets closer to wherever Sarah is, KITT further establishes that the armed men are not consulate guards and may well be after the same package that Michael's trying to find. Michael deduces that since they don't have the package, they must be after the files (remember, there are two things: the files and the package), and since Sarah has the files, they must have Sarah.
And indeed "they" do, although we already knew that. They're still menacing her with some suspicious yellow-green stuff in a hypo. The head goon taunts Sarah a bit and repeatedly asks her where Mike Traceur is. KITT reports to Michael that Sarah's heart rate is jumping, and also that Michael has turned in the wrong direction. I'm not entirely sure how KITT knows Michael's exact location inside the building. Maybe he has a super-accurate GPS or something.
Suddenly! KITT is surrounded out in the parking lot! Michael is still running through corridors! He finally picks a lock and busts into a parking lot where two guys with guns don't look happy to see him. He quickly takes them both down while KITT goes into ATTACK MODE. This turns out to involve a lot of Transformers-style CGI and engine-vrooming. The thugs open fire, which causes a CSI-cam going into the insides of KITT, where fancy high-tech things happen. Turbo Boost activates, which, as you'll remember from the original show, means that KITT flies through the air for about twenty feet. Except this is the 21st century, so now there's more blue neon. Anyway, this is sufficient to baffle the gun-toting thugs. Michael finishes off his goons, then busts into the vault when they unwisely open the door to look outside. Two more goon-disposals later, he's alone with the Head Good, the Hypo of Green Stuff, and Sarah. Sarah finally gets up and kicks the stuffing out of the Head Goon, but ruins it a bit by complaining about being afraid of needles.
Then they kiss! Whoo! Take that, will-they-or-won't-they sexual tension! No, wait, Sarah's just happy to be alive, and Michael's just confused. KITT tells them to get to "the rendezvous point," which keeps with the generic tone of the whole affair. Michael and Sarah escape through a random boiler room while she explains that the goons were looking for Mike Traceur (our Michael), not the files. They pause to use an exploding cufflink to get through a door that looks like it could be pretty easily kicked open, dodge some automatic weapons fire, and sneak through a grating. Then they combine his pen and her hairpin to weld it shut. KITT uses a magic program to reformulate himself into a pickup truck... seriously? I guess that will come in handy when Michael needs to move because his apartment goes condo. Michael and Sarah jump into the bed (Whoooo!), then KITT transforms back into a car, and Michael and Sarah are in the front seats. Sure, why not?
More exposition. Sarah complains about Michael losing the package. Also, a helicopter has shot a missile at them. Michael insists that KITT deploy flares, which, after some complaining, he does. But they're ineffective because KITT has already cooled his temperature to match ambient heat sources (or something. I'm pretty sure all those words were in it, but they may have been in a different order). The missile isn't targeting KITT -- it's targeting Michael! Also, KITT tells us that his sensors indicate something odd about the missile. KITT seems to like starting sentences with "My sensors indicate". I kind of like the effect. My eyes tell me that Michael needs a shave. My eyes also tell me that we're cutting to Knight Industries Research & Development Satellite Surveillance Chamber. Location: CLASSIFIED." And the "CLASSIFIED" is in blinking red so you know they mean it. It looks kind of like that room they keep the Stargate in. They've sure come a long way since they had to keep all their stuff in a truck that Michael had to park in the back of.
Well, wherever they are (is it Vancouver? I bet it's Vancouver) there are about twenty people running around and panicking. A voice (not KITT's) counts down to impact. At 15 seconds, a young lady says "This just got interesting," which seems to imply that it wasn't interesting with 20 seconds until impact. Somebody else is working on a computer with chemical symbols on its screen. The missile hits and we finally achieve the opening credits. Sheesh!
The opening credit music is a lot like the original theme song, which I approve of.
Welcome back! Back at HQ, Bruce Davison (Charles, the creator of the car, and also Sarah's father) is gloating about how KITT diverted power at exactly the right time, which explains why Michael, Sarah, and KITT aren't burned to a crisp. Of course! Power diversion! KITT is still on fire, though, because the missile was full of "an advanced form of napalm". At this point, people start barking orders at the super-intelligent car. Shed it! Scan it! And so on! The Exposition Chip kicks in again and we learn that it's so hot in the car that the odds of Michael and Sarah surviving until the fire burns out are 1 in 997,000. Somebody at HQ blurts out "That is so not good," and I'm not sure he should be channeling Chandler Bing for his crack scientist character.
KITT tells Michael and Sarah they will probably be boiled in their own bodily fluids (which is good, because it's always awkward to be boiled in somebody else's). Michael asks for a best-case scenario, and KITT points out that at least they'll probably be unconscious first. This whole time, KITT is a fireball shooting down suspiciously empty highways and tunnels. Alex (one of the snottier guys in the HQ) takes Charles aside to lecture him about how they need "those files." Charles claims that uploading the files would drain KITT's air conditioning, which would, I guess, boil Michael and Sarah a couple seconds earlier. Alex doesn't care, because the package was lost, so their lists of undercover operatives could be compromised.
Billy and Zoe get some commands barked at them. (They're the two people at the command consoles; their screens are absurdly high-tech. To give you some idea, when Billy needs to move something from his screen to the big wall-size screen, he flicks it there like he's sliding a plate or something. He's the "so not good" guy, which now that I think about it is really more of a Xander-from-Buffy line. And Zoe is the one who made that crack about things getting interesting. Right!) Call the Israeli Embassy! Now!
Charles shows up on the heads-up display inside KITT and tells Sarah to upload the files. KITT complains that he needs every milliwatt of power, although he doesn't seem to mind using power to talk all the time or to show off his fancy heads-up displays. Come to think of it, the dome light is on, too. And I bet it uses power to make that red light wiggle around when he talks. Frankly, I'm surprised neither Sarah nor Michael have a high-tech cell phone they could use to upload the files.
Billy is performing simulations involving chemical bonds to figure out how to put out the napalm. Inside the car, Sarah is stripping down. She emphasizes that she only kissed him in the heat of the moment, but also tells him to strip down as well. Kind of a mixed message there. "Our bodies can't withstand the excessive temperature," she explains. If only Nelly had thought of putting it that way! KITT agrees, since lowering their core temperatures will delay their deaths. Hooray! KITT also wants Michael to avoid accidentally opening the window, since that will kill them instantly. Wait, the windows are manual? Even my car has a button to lock the windows! They should add one of those.
We see a tattoo on Michael's right forearm as KITT continues to waste power telling them not to talk unnecessarily because their oxygen is running low. The enormously power-inefficient heads-up display tells us that the temperature is 138.7 and rising, and the oxygen is at 54.6% (of what?) and dropping. But back at HQ, Billy's simulation has demonstrated that if KITT can get up to 377 mph, the fire will be neutralized seconds before Michael and Sarah die. KITT complains that he can't upload the files and do all this other stuff too. Michael and Sarah waste precious oxygen with their disbelief that Billy could come up with a plan. Sarah and Michael hold hands while going on about how KITT's never hit 377 mph before, "even in attack mode". Pointless exposition, even in death. At least they're dedicated to it! Oh, and the CGI fire outside the window is starting to look really fake. Just thought I'd mention that.
On the Big HQ Screen, we see that the simulation involves a "molecular reassembly pass". Well, we do if we freeze-frame at the right instant. Zoe is skeptical, but doesn't seem that worried, really. Billy is frantically jabbing at his fancy touch-screen thing. Something didn't work, which Billy blames on the fire fusing with KITT in some way that's different from the way everybody already knew about. Charles (who KITT calls Dr. Graiman) decides that they're going to "bring them in hot" and maybe seal them off in the tunnel or something. Other people in HQ think that maybe an unstoppable fire should not be brought inside their heavily-armed weapons bunker. Michael and Sarah lose consciousness.
Sydney Poitier (that's the daughter, not the father) steps forward and does an admirable job of establishing her character's role: "Dr. Graiman, as FBI agent in charge, I cannot allow you to bypass security protocols." Then she buckles immediately. Nice job! So the enormous doors on the outside of their inconspicuous hangar open up and the flaming car drives in, making me wonder what happened with that helicopter. It should have been pretty easy to follow them, right? Well, no time for that, because KITT's zooming through some tunnels. Then the car stops and some vents do something to suck up the fire. KITT asks politely for the door to be opened because Michael and Sarah have no oxygen. Billy frantically jabs at his screen and claims to be "working on it". KITT drives directly at the concrete door. Commercial!
...and Billy opens the door in time and KITT arrives in HQ without busting through anything. Zoe asserts that "That... was awesome," making me think she's some kind of sociopath or something. She doesn't care that Michael and Sarah almost died? Or that a 300-mph car was about to smash through a foot-thick concrete wall six feet from her head? She's just a thrill junkie and doesn't care who gets hurt, I guess. Anyway, Michael and Sarah's mostly-nude, sweaty bodies are dragged from the car for oxygen and adrenaline shots, probably from Zoe's secret stash. Zoe doesn't mind because she's busy taunting Billy about screwing up. Then she tells him she speaks nine languages, flashes some thigh, and leaves.
Michael corners Carrie (that's Sydney Poitier's character's name according to IMDB) and tells her that the mission was compromised. She blames his womanizing. The argument gets heated (and, unfortunately, includes the phrase "Don't go there, Michael," making me wonder how long this script has been waiting to get made) and Michael says he doesn't want Sarah in the field anymore, conveniently ignoring the fact that Sarah at least got the files she was looking for. Snotty Alex comes over and yells at Michael a bit, and Michael stomps off, claiming he's going to get a beer "to replace those fluids I lost almost boiling to death". Yeah, but you look fine now. Alex has gotten word that the package is on the move, so Michael has to go out again in fifteen minutes. Don't these people have any other agents? After Michael leaves, Carrie tells Alex something we don't hear. Mysterious!
Michael arrives at a sleeping pod (that's what it's called; there's even a plaque on the outside of the door) to find Sarah pulling on a shirt. Neither of them are being looked at by the medical team? A shot of adrenaline, a quick pulse check, and shove 'em out the door? There's some awkwardness about her naked back, and then we get back to the plot. Sarah says that the men in the vault (with the glowing hypo, remember?) must have known Michael from Iraq. Michael says he doesn't remember big chunks of his life, but Sarah says he doesn't want to remember. There are flashbacky "war noises" on the soundtrack, along with some syrupy music. Apparently, Michael is afraid of the things he did or something.
No time for that now, though, because KITT is being rotated around with green lasers (lasers!) with a wicked guitar soundtrack. I guess this is how you recharge the batteries and refill the oxygen tanks. Carrie is using a computer with a keyboard and visible speakers (how archaic!) while windows pop up on her screen. We see a Top Secret window showing Michael doing something. I think he's holding a gun. And here's Michael now! "Where's the package?" Well, if the shot is anything to go by, it's in Washington, D.C. Apparently the package wants to go see some sights, maybe go up in the Washington Monument. That'll be fun.
A cargo plane lands, and KITT is inside it. And Michael's inside KITT. KITT has sporty racing stripes in this scene. Carrie tells him that Sarah has gotten the package's coordinates from the Israeli Intelligence people and programmed them into KITT. Go there and get it, and then come back! Michael snipes a bit about people waiting to kill him, and Carrie has no words of reassurance for him. Off you go! Yes, out the back of a taxiing plane.
Michael and KITT chat about the possibility of a leak. But all of a sudden, Michael's angry that KITT would suspect anyone at Knight Industries HQ. Well, where does he expect a leak to come from? You hardly ever have a leak from outside; it wouldn't even make sense. KITT ruffles through Alex's files (on the heads-up display, we see them ruffling), and they're all classified. Michael points out that his files are also classified. Now KITT wants to know what Michael's relationship is with Sarah, and I believe we have entered the part of the show where the computer wants to understand the emotions of the hu-man. Yep, Michael says he and Sarah are "just friends", and KITT asks prying questions about hormone levels. Apparently, KITT has a pheromone detector.
Suddenly! KITT stops, saying they have arrived at the package. Then he says there's no sign of the package, but there's a man with a gun under a bridge. Michael gets out (because why would you want to stay inside the nigh-invulnerable, super-intelligent car?) and ambushes a bushy-haired man. The man asks him not to shoot, and then claims to be the package. Also, he's really bald. And only "part" of him is the package, and I think you know what he's talking about. Actually, I'm pretty sure you don't. I certainly don't. But as Michael leads him back to KITT, a car zooms up and a woman gets out. She's got a convertible, leather boots, and attitude. She claims to know Michael (as Michael Traceur), and to prove it she's got the same tattoo as him. Except she's got it on her chest, so she can show off some cleavage. She knees him in the stomach a couple of times, pulls a gun, and orders Package Boy into her car.
This whole time, KITT is just sitting there doing nothing. Package Boy has a little trouble getting into the car because it's one of those weird vertical doors like you get in Lamborghinis, but he figures it out. The lady says that the only reason she's not killing Michael is that she owes him. She zooms off. After the commercials, Michael is in KITT and they are also zooming around. KITT is skeptical that he doesn't know her. Michael claims that the tattoo is just a generic Special Forces tattoo. There are a lot of cars on this road. Finally, KITT comes up with video of Michael and the lady making out at a sidewalk cafe in Beirut, although Michael denies ever having been to Beirut. The HQ crowd is also watching the footage and Zoe babbles about "tongue action" with her usual complete disregard for appropriate workplace behavior. Alex eventually cuts in to remind everyone that Michael's supposed to be getting the package, because it's important for some vague reason nobody bothered to work out before they started shooting.
This leads to some tire-squealing as Michael and Mystery Lady cut through traffic. Michael requests a private line with Sarah, which involves her sneaking off to the sleeping pod. The tinkly music of misty, water-colored memories starts up again as he asks if he gave a reason he stopped calling her from Iraq. Apparently, he asked her to marry him, and she said yes. And then he disappeared for three years and doesn't remember any of it. Also, the day he asked her to marry him is the day of that Beirut footage with him and Mystery Lady. Michael hangs up, and KITT helpfully suggests that maybe he's repressing something traumatic. Or he might have Dissociative Identity Disorder. This whole time, he appears to be following Mystery Lady at a distance of about 20 feet, and they can't be going more than 40 miles per hour. I bet they could catch up if they wanted to. Carrie cuts in, asking if Michael was involved in Operation Secure Freedom. KITT doesn't have access to that file, but Carrie says that the men at the consulate were all involved with that.
Michael hangs up on Carrie and suddenly wants to get back to the mission. He has KITT do some technobabble with GPS systems and parabolic microphones, and suddenly he can see inside the other car and hear the conversation. Package Boy's hair is worth millions, so he shaves a lot. That seems backwards to me. He brags about exfoliating every four hours so he won't leave "samples", but she cuts off his thumb. Back at HQ, Billy goes off to vomit. Mystery Lady dumps Package Boy out of the car, which means that Michael has to stop and pick him up. Now he has to get the thumb back. Why? Shut up, that's why. Michael jams package boy's hand into the glove compartment, where, we are led to believe, magic first aid nanobots are hard at work. [The hand comes out looking like it's in a lockbox. Who uses metal bandages? - Z] Billy passes out, which Zoe deems "awesome". There's more driving.
Lots more driving.
Package Boy gets Michael to cut off the communications to HQ so he can start delivering some backstory. He claims that hidden in his DNA is "the ultimate cipher". Michael's doing a better job at following this than I would be: "You invented an unbreakable code and hid the key to it in your DNA?" That seems like a lot of work just to... I don't even know why you would do that. I'm pretty sure it's impossible, though, whatever it is.
KITT has lost track of the mystery lady, which Michael takes to mean that she's in the subway. KITT switches to Attack Mode, which is the one with the tubes on the hood. We see a shot of her on a subway escalator with a thumb in a jar. [Can't everyone around her see this? If you see something, like a severed thumb in a jar, say something! - Zach] It looks like it didn't bleed much, which I guess is good. I mean, even a drop of unaccounted-for blood and this guy's unbreakable code is ruined, right? Be that as it may, KITT turns into a pickup truck again and they drive along the tracks. KITT taps into the subway security cameras (which are much higher-resolution than you'd think) and guesses that the Mystery Lady is meeting up with a blond man in a leather jacket. That's what hot women are always doing, right? They have three minutes until the train, which makes the third phony ticking clock deadline in this episode.
They drive at full speed (I guess) into the subway tunnel, and Michael jumps out of the bed of the truck, which is not where he was a second ago. He chases the Mystery Lady through the crowded subway, up and down escalators, until he corners her and grabs the thumb. He demands to know who she is, says he's never been to Beirut, the whole deal. Mystery lady wonders what they've done to him, and look sad, even though she kneed him in the gut not too long ago. Suddenly! Carrie shows up, yells "FBI! Freeze!" and shoots Michael. Even Zoe is a little taken aback by this. You'd think she'd be all psyched that something life-threatening was happening. Mystery Lady casually walks onto a subway with other nonplussed commuters, who clearly weren't told what was happening in this scene, and the shattered thumb jar is lying on the floor.
caption: "Somewhere over the United States". Oh, and there's an airplane. They're not just hovering out there. Carrie hangs up a phone and Michael, on the floor and clutching his stomach, wants to know what's going on. Carrie smirks and turns on a convenient television, which is tuned to a local news channel. Local to Washington D.C., I mean, not local to "Somewhere Over the United States". She's set up a cover story that Mike Traceur was a disgruntled vet who's been shot and killed by the FBI. So now everyone thinks he's dead! She tosses him an extremely confidential (A-24, and you have to admit that that sounds pretty darn confidential) folder and suggests that now that he's dead, maybe he can find out what happened. Oh, and that woman? No idea. Sorry!
After the plane lands, Michael takes KITT out for a spin. This disturbs KITT a little, who complains until Michael tells him that he's going home. But, KITT points out, his home has been gone over by the FBI, and furthermore, he's been declared dead. And a body was provided. KITT feels that Michael is not being logical. That would be the most clichéd line in the show, but Michael immediately tops it with "My past will always haunt me, KITT." You tell 'em! So instead they go back to HQ, which is a weirdly laid-out place. There's a basketball court just off the main room, for one thing.
In the basketball court, Billy, Zoe, and Carrie are having a shootaround and say some stupid things. Carrie tells Michael to come up with a new name, and there's some banter ending with Billy explaining that he watches a ton of porn. I'm sparing you here. Then the basketball court's phone rings, and Zoe answers by saying, "Research and Development, Zoe speaking." So that's what they're doing!
In Dr. Graiman's office, Alex tells Dr. Graiman that Package Boy is in witness protection, which might be code for "we killed him and burned his body". Dr. Graiman takes a shot at that cliché contest with, "You know, one day Mike is gonna remember everything. And when he does, he's gonna come after you." Alex suggests that he'll make sure he never remembers. Meanwhile, KITT is watching them, probably reading their lips, and scanning the Extremely Confidential Folder.
In Sarah's sleeping pod, Michael tries to get her to go out for a beer. He wants to start fresh, so he introduces himself as "Michael Knight". There's harmonica-heavy music, and KITT opines that "they make a handsome couple" as phallic, yellow scanning machines go to work on his undercarriage. And... credits! Did you think I was being sexist by calling her "Mystery Lady"? Then you'll be glad to know that her official character name is "Smokin' Hot Beauty." Yeah, it's that kind of show.
Episode: They're getting the obligatory "gang of street racers stealing stuff" plotline out of the way early, but adding a twist by burying Michael up to his neck in dirt and driving a truck towards him. As Zoe would say, this just got interesting!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why Knight Rider might be doomed, due to the presence of... Showkillers!
Montykins does not have a car that talks to him. Monty also watches a lot of movies, which he writes about on Monty on Movies. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.