So, remember how Kelly Cutrone was the only character on The Hills you didn't want to throw off the Hollywood sign? Yeah, well Bravo had one of its occasional moments of inspiration and gave her a show. I know, I love her too. If you don't remember her from The Hills (or, God forbid, The City), allow me to paint you a mental picture as we begin...
"People's Revolution is a branding and public relations firm" voices-over the stringy-haired banshee at the center of our show. And don't ask me what a "branding and public relations firm" does either. From what I've gathered, it's about fashion and hangers and yelling. I'm in. (No, but really, they produce fashion shows and photo shoots.) We meet Kelly's team: Robyn, who Kelly calls "Snow White with razorblades" (dibs on that Halloween costume); Emily, a "small-town girl" and "slayer" and who gets all smiley/giggly when she describes herself as a bitch; and then there's a collection of anywhere from six to twenty-five kids just out of school or off the bus who don't know their ass from their couture-clad elbow. Finally, we have Kelly's adorable daughter Ava. That's a show, people.
Manhattan! Chrysler Building! That weird little hook-around 5th Avenue takes at Grand Central! So it's Fashion Week, and People's Rev is putting on ten fashion shows. In between bouts of Robyn and Emily trying very hard to be intimidating, Kelly delivers her most wonderful rule: No crying. If you have to cry, you need to step outside. I'm certain this means there will be no crying this season, right? Another piece of Kelly Wisdom: "We're not really mean, but we'll say mean things to you, for sure." An uncharitable person would call Kelly manic depressive. I just think this is the only way she knows how to love. She also voices an appeal to These Troubled Financial Times and how businesses all around her are going belly-up, so they need to persevere.
Crisis #1: They're putting on a show for designer David Delfín, who is Spanish and knows many Spanish celebrities like Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem (Emily, I dare you to name a third Spanish celebrity). But the showroom is a mess! So it's up to Stephanie (blonde, clueless) to get everything ship-shape. And if you've watched The Hills at all, you know that means: push racks of clothing from one side of the room to the other. But Stephanie is new and thus was not trained on how to set up a showroom, so Robyn has to (gets to) come upstairs and critique the whole thing. By which I mean, she moves like two things around and then gives a self-important interview about how things have to be just so. David shows up with his orange hair, looking like that guy Antoine from the Road Rules season that went to Europe. Robin and Emily schmooze David and his cute business partner, but they don't bring them up to the showroom, which annoys Stephanie.
Kelly beams when she talks about the motley crew of unemployables misfits she's gathered together at People's Rev. Like Stefanie Skinner, her old assistant, who seriously looks like she's seen ALL the ghosts and barely lived to tell the tale. Skinner's been promoted to Junior Account Executive, so the assistant job has fallen to gothy, deadpan Andrew. Initially, Andrew as seems like a boy version of Aubrey Plaza on Parks and Recreation, but it turns out he's kinda chatty. This could be promising. Kelly adores him and wants to set him up with a boyfriend, and they lean out the window scoping out skinny hipster boys for a while. As you do in this town.
Crisis #2: Ashley Dupré (aka the Elliot Spitzer call-girl) on the front of the Post reminds Kelly that last year, Ashley (who is a friend of Kelly's) crashed some People's Rev-produced show and caused a scandal of sorts. Kelly's all defiant on Ashley's behalf, because the fashion industry is full of whores anyway, right? Ashley even stops by (with her MOM, who is, like, beaming at Ashley's Post cover, which dollars-to-donuts includes a blowjob pun). And, look, it's admirable of Kelly to befriend the shunned girl, and I guess on some level we're all doing stuff we'd rather not do for money, so on some level we're all hookers. But on another, much more literal level, Ashley is a hooker, and even Kelly knows she doesn't need this shit for a second year in a row. So she shuts down Ashley's brilliant idea to crash a show with self-promoting homemade t-shirts. I'm sure she'll take Kelly's advice to lay low, right? Given her historical aversion to crass publicity and indiscretion?
it's the day of the David Delfín show at Bryant Park. Let's talk about what Andrew's wearing for a moment, since clearly that's the intention: floor-length, sequined David Delfín gown, and over that, a green plaid flannel shirt. "It's the triple-G," Andrew beams. "Glam, goth, grunge." You guys, Andrew tries SO hard. But I maybe love him. And clearly he's designed for Kelly to adore him. Kelly happily tours the backstage and says everybody looks beautiful, but before you go thinking she's not stone cold, she tosses a photog at a moment's notice for snapping pics while the models are changing. Like, instantaneously, she's like, "Out," and this fool is gone.
Back in the office, Skinner has to deal with Robyn's bitchery and Andrew M. (Robyn's assistant) and his Snooki-level orange tan. Oooh, but he's come armed with this winner of a quote: "I was working in L.A. as a hair colorist in Beverly Hills. I left everything I had in California -- a successful career, mind you -- to come to New York and be called a retard." Billy Joel wrote that song once, right? Also, and I'm not one to judge, but Andrew's lisp is a force to be reckoned with. As of right now, it's the only part of him that's a force to be reckoned with. He's driving Skinner up the wall with his fuckuppery. But he means well. He even cheerfully offers Skinner an Ativan, though she declines. The hilarious thing is you can tell Skinner just wants to be an unholy bitch to Andrew, but she can't, probably because she's a shade nicer than cun... try music fans like Robyn, and also because Andrew's persistence with the Ativan offer is pretty funny. I might like these two also.
Crisis #4: At Bryant Park, there are technical glitches with the monitors and such. Gorka, David's increasingly fetching business partner, quietly freaks to Kelly, who goes on a controlled rampage on her headset until tech people show up and fix it. "This is why my charming personality makes things happen," she says. Kelly then goes up to her production booth and directs the show. Meanwhile, Andrew has a crush on one of David Delfin's models.
After the show, Kelly sets up photo ops and press interviews for David. Kelly marvels at how sweet and happy and grateful David always is, and how rare a quality that is in the fashion biz. She even makes up with that wayward photog. And does it like so: "Oh, photographer, IMG, c'mere, you can make up with me now. You get this shot for me, you put it up on your website and you get a clean slate." You see now why I need Kelly as my personal life coach?
That night, back at the offices, Kelly tries to put her matchmaking skills to the test for Andrew and his beloved Madrid model. She calls up Gorka to try to set something up, but alas, Hottie Model has a boyfriend. That's not entirely a dealbreaker for Andrew. Kelly gives a shudder at the idea that Andrew would go out hounding for a threeway, while Andrew... maybe is about to go hounding for a threeway.
After the break, we have get to spend time with Robyn, who tells us her lease was up and thus she is now living in the 5th-floor showroom at People's Rev. She does give us some insight into the PR setup (floor 2: showroom; 3: offices; 4: Kelly's apartment; 5: showroom + Robyn's flop-house). Downstairs at Kelly's place, our heroine is doddering around the kitchen in a caftan that looks like it was sewn together by a quilting commune upstate. Kelly's a single mom (with a nanny... named Nana), and she explains that the live-work nature of the building is so she can spend as much time as possible with Ava.
Crisis #5: The show is for Chado Ralph Rucci, who Kelly takes great pains to mention is the only American couturier. "I know a lot of people like to use the word, like Juicy Couture, or 'Oh, I have a couture dress,' well you really DON'T." Heeee hee. So, yes, couturiers are accredited or licensed or whatever. So now we all know for the test, right? Juicy Couture is NOT real couture. Anyway, Ralph Rucci's status makes this show HUGE.
The drama for this show seems to surround the seating chart. Andre Leon Talley, Martha Stewart, Harper's Bazaar, oh my. Kelly motormouths the strategy of it all, sitting the celebs away from the gossip columnists and such. So THE LIST is shaping up to be very important. The list gets delegated from Skinner to Stephanie Vorhees, who promptly fucks it up in some undefined way. Kelly, because she's amazing, turns it into a teaching moment for Skinner, who needs to learn how to delegate in a way where shit gets done and not just pushed off her plate. Robyn, because she is awful, turns it into a chance to huff and puff and make empty threats. Anyway, the list gets delegated to Andrew, who is maybe freaking.
The commercial-buster shows Kelly getting her eyebrows done and a pedicure all in her office while she works. Obviously, I love Kelly's anti-glam aesthetic, but I don't need close-ups of toenails, come on.
After the break, Robyn's harping on the RSVP issue, which got transferred from Stephanie to Andrew. Meanwhile, Skinner totally loves Andrew and covers for him and helps him fix whatever fuckup he caused. You know, much as I thought Kelly's entire office was going to be useless and loathsome, the small pocket of people I like on this show actually like each other. It's like if Rachel Zoe had about three more Brads.
We take a mommy break as Kelly tucks Ava in, and then it's back to more RSVP inanity. Clearly, Skinner and Andrew are sorting it out, but Robyn won't shut up about it to Kelly, and she keeps saying "it is what it is" to the point where that already meaningless phrase melts down into equally meaningless phonetics, and it's ugly. Skinner's having a rough time, because on the level she's at, it's pretty much her alone with Robyn and Emily. Andrew offers her a fishnet-clad shoulder to cry on, and it's sweet. And he delivers another choice quote: "'Chado is the only American couturier!' And as snobby as that sounds is as snobby as he is." He says they're demanding. Skinner threatens a nervous breakdown.
The morning of the show, Kelly's stressing to finalize the seating chart, particularly the front row. Ava wanders in and makes what I assume is a playful request for a front-row seat, but I am juuust not quite in tune with how precocious she is to be sure. Meanwhile, Skinner is stuh-RESSING about the seating chart, especially when it won't print up properly. She's totally about to cry, and Kelly's about to lose what tenuous control she has over the freakout quadrant of her brain, so this could all get messy.
Andrew, who has very quickly in this last hour become completely adorable, explains how the seating chart is totally fucked, and since the seating chart is pretty much all the client gives a shit about right now, People's Rev is currently fucked. Kelly is officially pissed off, and Skinner has no idea how to fix it. It sounds like they're going to type the chart by hand (oh, on the handy office typewriter?), just because the database software is shitting the bed. To Kelly's credit, she stops cursing out Skinner once she realizes this is computer, not human, error. But the point remains: "We're totally fucked."
And then? TO BE CONTINUED.
You guys, credit where credit's due, I know full well the importance of a seating chart in the overall scheme of things, but I am fucking freaking out about that damn chart right now. week!
Joe R seriously might've yelped at that TBC. Questions, comments, and unadulterated love can be sent to him at joseph.reid21@gmail.com.