We open on some good old-fashioned Kathy-and-Maggie stuff. Kathy cannot believe Maggie wants to let a paper towel dry out so she can reuse it. Kathy is delighted at having the evidence to show the world that her mother is weird. But there's no time for that, because we've got a plot this week: Kathy is getting a wax figure at Madame Tussaud's! Kathy figures that makes her "a cross between the Jonas Brothers and Queen Elizabeth." Keep your pervy fanfic to yourself, lady.
Maggie admits that this (the wax figure thing) is something she might consider bragging about to her friends, and Kathy decides she's offended that Maggie doesn't brag about absolutely everything she does. So she tries to shock her mother by claiming that she's also going to submit something for Hustler magazine's "Beaver Hunt" feature. Maggie acts interested and supportive, and it's a weird scene all the way around.
Hang on! The wax figure plot is going to have to take a back seat, because Kathy's visiting Jackie Collins to talk about the craft of book-writing. I look enviously at Jackie's pool, because it's really hot here. Kathy tells a story about meeting Jackie Collins in a bathroom. It's pretty early in the show to have already used the words "beaver hunt" and "glory hole," isn't it?
Jackie likes Kathy's book's name ("Official Book Club Selection") and encourages her to dish up the dirt. She interrogates Kathy about her first sexual experience, and finds Kathy's answer of "19" hilarious. She thinks that's pretty old. Kathy tries to deflect things by claiming to have had a lot of sex just to get doughnuts. Jackie can top that, because she thinks she might have slept with John Lennon at some point. Kathy interviews that she's slept with Sean Lennon. And also Julian and Yoko. "Now how are my presales?" she asks smugly. Dropping quickly, I'd assume. No one wants to read about you getting it on with Yoko Ono, lady. Anyway, Kathy wants tips on book promotion, and Jackie's the ideal person to talk to.
Back to the Tussaud's thing! Two guys from the London Madame Tussaud's are in Kathy's living room to take her measurements and photos and stuff. Kathy appears to be under the impression that they'll be taking a cast of her vagina. Man, this episode is filthy, isn't it? I mean, not that vaginas are inherently filthy. But when Kathy starts talking about putting in a straw "so it can breathe," c'mon.
The picture-taking involves putting Kathy on a turntable and slowly rotating her while they get shots from every angle. Have you seen the making of The Matrix? It's like that. Kathy makes ribald jokes about the calipers and is delighted to learn that the sculptors have recently done Nicole Kidman and various other celebrities. She tries to indulge in celebrity gossip, but they don't go for it. Then Kathy gets covered in sticky dots so they can measure her in various ways. Kathy pretends that they're hitting on her. They're not. Anyway, the statue will be ready in three months. Kathy believes this makes her a bigger celebrity than anyone who doesn't have a statue. Take that, Danny Bonaduce and Steve Martin!
Kathy is in Dallas! Why? Because she has a chicken commercial to do. She explains that the whole "Suck it, Jesus!" sort of cut into her fan base in the South, so she wants to get some people back so they'll buy her book. Here's a sign that Kathy's a professional: the first thing she asks as she gets to her trailer is "Do they have cue cards or a teleprompter or do they want me to just improvise?" I mean, it would be nice if "there's a script which you are expected to memorize" were one of the options, but still. Anyway, they'll be going with cue cards today. Ah. Inside the trailer, as Kathy has her hair done, she's running lines with Tom. Tom gives her some harmless advice. It doesn't go well.
On set!Kathy has to eat the chicken wings and read her lines. She would like to read her own lines, but is aware that sometimes you don't get paid if you do that. Jeff the director tells her to "play with it," and that means "Say whatever you want! Whee!" We see Jeff being entranced with Kathy's sincerity, and then appalled when she talks about making dick jokes or says that the celery on the plate is bullshit. Kathy's throat starts to close up from the sheer number of wings she's eaten. She can no longer feel her lips. Kathy has a final message for the South: "Buy my book, y'all!"
New York! Book cover photo shoot! Stylist! Sash! Steam inside the dress! Ouch! The message of the photo shoot is "Kathy Griffin." I think the photographer has been on Top Model.
Hearst Publishing! Kathy, Tom and Tiffany will be trying to find Oprah's friend Gayle. They've got letters for Oprah begging for Official Book Club Selection to become an official Book Club Selection, and they're just going to hand them out to everyone they see, figuring that they might get to Gayle, who will give them to Oprah. It's one of those dumb stunts staged for the show, and it's not really that interesting. Eventually, they go across the street and order a pizza to be delivered to Gayle, because Kathy figures she can deliver it herself and sneak her letter in with it. The front desk doesn't go for it, and Kathy has to come back out with her pizza. She's dejected, as far as I can tell from her body language. She's wrapped up pretty unrecognizably.
Meeting! Kathy is in a meeting to determine her cover photo. She likes the one where she's bursting through a big sheet of paper "because it looks like a torn 'gina. I'm busting my hymen in the literary world!" The publisher doesn't like this angle so much. Kathy wants to rummage through the rejected pictures, and is sad when she's told that she's not allowed to go with the double-middle-finger option. The smelling-own-armpit and licking-split-fingers ("This is for the lesbians. And straight guys think this shit's really funny!") are also out. Even fisting is rejected. No one in the meeting finds Kathy funny and show her pictures of classy book jackets. Why can't Kathy be more like William Faulkner and Jane Fonda? They finally settle on a shot of Kathy in a red dress and a sash holding up a book. The book she's holding will have the cover of the book on it, so there will be infinite Kathy Griffins!
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Another meeting! It's time to discuss chapter titles! Kathy wants things like "Oprah and Ryan Seacrest Are Conspiring Against Me" (requires legal approval), "I Was a Gifted Student and Was Accepted to Harvard Law" (not technically true), "I Blew Zach from Zach and Cody," "Britney Spears Is a Transvestite and I Can Prove It," "I Think Jeremy Piven Raped Some Chick on Ellen" (all terrifying to the book people). The editor and publisher don't like the idea of naming specific people. Kathy can tell they're uncomfortable and starts talking about how everyone's had crabs. "When did you get your first case of crabs?" she asks, and neither of the two book ladies can even respond. And then! For some reason! Kathy is sent off to meet with Salman Rushdie to find out what it's like to be an author. We learn that Kathy doesn't know what a fatwa is exactly, but she's pretty sure it's something you don't want.
Kathy also thinks it's odd that she'll be meeting with Salman Rushdie. Especially in the same episode as Jackie Collins! Oh, and it says in his dossier that he and Padma Lakshmi broke up. She makes him talk about his latest book, which I'm just going to sum up as "historical fiction." Kathy is shocked that Salman has never met Oprah. Or even Gayle! "He probably doesn't even watch Tyra!" Salman recommends that if Kathy does get fatwa-ed, she could hide in a bookstore since no one even goes in there. Kathy has a fatwa-based pun that I'm not even going to write down.
Las Vegas! It's three months after the first part of the show, and Kathy is going to see her statue at Madame Tussaud's at the Venetian. Hey, I've been there! I think we went because Charo's show was closed that week. It's an "interactive wax museum," which means that there are voice chips and you can pose in a wedding dress to Brad Pitt's statue. Now, a little something for the ladies! And gay guys! There are muscly guys in gold lamé short-shorts, who will be carrying Kathy on a platform. One of them has too many muscles. Kathy's got a pretty good crowd waiting for her to come out. Finally, there she is! She gets off the platform in the least ladylike way possible and welcomes everyone to "the wax reenactment of my body." They reveal the statue and it looks a bit like Kathy. She poses to it and makes a few blowjob jokes. Then she holds up a copy of her book (this show is all unstuck in time!) and puts it on her statue.
Midcommercial! Kathy poses for photos with fans and also with female impersonators. Because it's Vegas. Also, a creepy guy asks her out for sex after her show.
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Kathy stares, entranced, at her effigy's face. She sticks her hand underneath the dress to get another vagina joke in. Her statue's spot will be on a stage entertaining at a big star-studded party. Wax Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn't appear to be enjoying the show. Paris Hilton's statue looks pretty good, because the actual Paris is kind of waxy. Kathy pretends to get interviewed by Wax Oprah. You know the sort of thing you do in a wax museum.
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You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time. Recently on Monty on Movies: Bye Bye Birdie and Fanboys. Now that's range!
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