Today, Kathy is talking about Young Hollywood, who have some sort of magical ability to get on magazine covers without even trying. This is a superpower that Kathy would very much like, so she's having lunch at a fancy Hollywood place with Rachel True. I don't know who she is, but she seems nice. Kathy wants tips on broadening her demographic, and Rachel recommends dressing way too young and getting a Facebook page. Kathy is appalled by the idea of Facebook, but she's willing to consider going out with Chace Crawford, whoever that is.
Rachel has told Kathy to get on a young, hip, Gossip Girl-y show on the CW. So one week later, Kathy is on the Paramount lot ready to appear on a show called "Privileged", which is so small we don't even recap it. [And it's been canceled. - Zach] Kathy will be playing "Olivia the Wedding Planner," and her character will be organizing a gay wedding. In front of Maggie, Tiffany and Kathy's friend Patrick (who is the casting director and got Kathy the role), Kathy tries reading her lines as an angry, foulmouthed freak. Tiffany is in gales of laughter, but Patrick is unamused. Then Kathy does it as her imitation of her mother, which everyone enjoys. Patrick thinks she should keep trying.
Now it's time for Kathy to mingle with the cast. First up: Ignacio the Hunk, who comes out of his trailer and reveals that he has written "Kathy" on his belly. What kind of CW hunk has a belly? Isn't it supposed to be all washboard this and six-pack that? By the way, his belt buckle is on the side of his body, not the front. These kids today, I tell ya. Kathy teases him about being really hot and when she asks him for drug tips, he just makes a weird face. Kathy attributes this to oxycocoin, which is a drug she just made up, composed of oxycontin, cocaine and heroin. When Kathy bids Ignacio goodbye, she forces herself into his arms and then pretends to be shoving him away. And as she and Tiffany walk away, Ignacio calls out, "By the way, if I wasn't afraid of water, I would motorboat the [bleep] out of you." Huh. Well, that's nice. I guess.
Kathy claims that she and Ignacio are "just learning about sexuality and experimenting". Then she indulges in a whole-body eyeroll and makes the jerkoff gesture.
Guest star! Mike McDonald is here on the lot! And he's on a more prestigious show than Kathy, which is Kath and Kim. Well, I've at least heard of it. I think. [Yeah, that one was also canceled. - Z] He and Kathy exchange insults, with Kathy asking him if he's portraying a successful actor and Mike asking when Kathy will be in hair and makeup. See, because she's already got the fancy hair on. Mike runs some lines with Kathy and she is theatrically bad. And I watched The Room earlier tonight, so I know from bad. By the way, in the background of this entirely coincidental meeting in a studio alley, we can clearly see Kathy's mother, who is sitting in front of Kathy's trailer. All I'm saying is that they could have at least gone around the corner for this.
It's time for Kathy to shoot! And it's been a few years since Suddenly, Susan, which means that her script-memorizing muscles are a bit weak. But she soldiers on and comes onto the set. Oh, the director is David Paymer! He's done a lot of work. You'd probably recognize him. As Kathy gets some makeup touched up, she asks Tiffany if she has those "things we talked about". When one of the Privileged actors asks, as he was obviously supposed to, "Things?" Kathy snaps back, "If you mean my lines on cards, I resent that." Yes, very droll. In the rehearsal, Kathy steps on someone else's lines and then looks mortified about it. When Kathy goes over to Patrick, Tom and Maggie for reassurance, Maggie says it looked fine from what she could tell. Then Patrick says that Margaret Cho is on hold.
Kathy chats with an actor, who tells her that it was a tactical error to do her own makeup and hair, because that cuts her out from the valuable hair/makeup gossip channel. Now Kathy is convinced that everyone on set hates her. Also, Kathy isn't thrilled about being on a show shot in high definition. As Kathy says, "HD is not the friend of a lady whose age has a four in front of it." She would like to be shot through a thick layer of vaseline, please. Kathy describes Cybill Shepherd on Moonlighting as having been a ghostly, amorphous figure, "and do you know why? Because there was probably a gay cameraman who loved her."
As Kathy shoots her line (which is about doves and fireworks not going well together), the punchline of "I learned that the hard way" isn't getting a laugh. But the bit, where she calls someone "perky" and makes a fireworks gesture, is pretty funny. And we're out!
Kathy's house. Kathy wants to get more use out of her mother, who is a trained secretary. Maggie takes a very long time to write something in shorthand. In fact, Kathy thinks it would be faster to have a dance troupe interpret a sentence. Anyway, Maggie will be in charge of Kathy's Facebook page. Maggie asks, "What's a page?" Hmm. This won't end well. Maggie asks if it's done on a typewriter and Kathy goes on this long sarcastic rant that involves a mule train somehow. Maggie realizes that this is "what's happening to all those teenagers".
Kathy, Tiffany, and Maggie are at a computer. Tiffany will be teaching Maggie about Facebook and Kathy will be saying funny things and talking about wine. Go! Maggie will have to be posting as though she's Kathy. But first she has to learn about the mouse. Kathy complains that Maggie isn't as efficient at exploiting her daughter as Dina Lohan. Kathy wants Maggie to cyber-bully Ryan Seacrest, but since Kathy has no more idea what that means than I do, it sounds difficult. We see Kathy type "Enjoy your..." and then there's some typing. I don't know what she typed, but Maggie is insistent that this not be posted. "I will not let it be sent!" Ah. The complete post is "So happy for your success. Enjoy your fisting session tonight!" Maggie is not on board with Kathy's appalling Facebook status updates. The only one that gets posted is the one about teabagging Nick Cannon, and that's just because she doesn't know what teabagging is. A response gets posted almost immediately: "Yes, do it. Bitch needs 2 B muzzled 4-Eva." Maggie does not want the Facebook job.
New scene! Kathy is going to be going shopping with Paris Hilton! Tom and Tiffany enter with armfuls of weird pink clothes, which turn out to be Paris's actual clothes that Kathy somehow got from Paris's office. So Kathy wants to dress like Paris, which will make Paris like her and do coke and sex tapes with her. Then Kathy strips down (mentioning her "new sexy underwear", which isn't as baggy) and starts trying on clothes. Tiffany correctly identifies the first thing as "very Liza", so it's out. Kathy explains that she's not taking her bra off, and then practices getting out of cars and bending over so as to show off her crotch. This is an Emmy-winning show!
Paris poses on a Hollywood street with one of those really teeny dogs, named Prince Baby Bear. Kathy rolls up with Chance and Pom Pom. Paris tells Kathy she looks hot (TM), and Kathy tells her that she's wearing Paris's clothes. Guys rarely do that sort of thing. Paris is in the middle of a paparazzi scrum and Kathy wants to get some photographer attention. So she hikes up her skirt to show off her underpants. Mission accomplished!
Paris and Kathy go into a store and Paris begins to tell Kathy what's hot. Members Only jackets? Again? Apparently I was stunningly fashionable from 1983 through 1987. As Kathy demands more tips, she notices that Paris keeps saying "Hmmm." and standing still. Paris explains that she likes to pose whenever she stands. Incidentally, there's a huge crowd of people surrounding them at about a 20 foot distance. Kathy and Paris get into a pose-off, which ends when Paris sees something shiny. There is a frenzy of shopping. Kathy is determined to shop just as much as Paris. Everything Paris is immediately echoed by Kathy, although without the "bizarre baby accent".
Suddenly! Jill, from one of those Real Housewives shows, enters and starts chatting with Paris. Jill also talks to Kathy about her concerts, and it's clear that Jill's plan is to get some camera time. And it works.
Paris's bill comes to $12,500, and the clerk calls her "Paris", which I think is a little familiar. When someone comes into your store and buys 12 grand worth of dresses, you call her "Miss Hilton." And probably don't make eye contact. Kathy's is $14,200, and she gets called "Katie." Ouch. If you're going to be on a first-name-basis with your customers, at least get that name correct. Still, it might be a nice change for Kathy, since it's usually her last name people screw up. Kathy emphasizes to us how her A-List moment got undercut by her name getting messed up. Also, she's a little freaked out about spending 14 thousand in one place. [Seriously, does Kathy have Paris Hilton money? - Z]
Back at Stately Griffin Manor, Maggie is having trouble with "the Faceplace".
Kathy and Paris go to another store (the place with the mudflap girl as the logo. Classy!) and briefly talk about Facebook. Then Kathy says that she needs a bathing suit that says, "I'm accessible, but you can't rape me." Paris explains that shopping is exhausting and burns more calories than working out. They check themselves out in the mirror and Paris has Kathy open her lips a little more. When Kathy takes it too far (as she is wont to do) by saying "Who wants a blowjob?" Paris looks disgusted and says, "I never do that. My mom always taught me only ugly girls need to go down on their knees and do things like that." Kathy looks taken aback for about half a second and answers, "Well then I'm not gonna do that or take it up the butt. It's disgusting! Who needs that? With the economy, no thank you!" Kathy interviews that she no longer needs to... look, this gets kind of graphic. There's a strap-on involved. I'm not sure I should tell you what she said. It was funny, though.
As Kathy and Paris leave the store to go to the pool, they take separate cars. All the photographers follow Paris. Incidentally, I think Paris is coming off pretty well here. She's letting Kathy leave the stores first so she can be in the pictures and playing along with Kathy's "No! Don't take my picture! I need my privacy! It's me, Kathy Griffin!" act pretty well.
Bonus commercial content! Maggie records a video for FacePlace, which features her waving and saying "Hello! Hi out there!" Won't that kind of clue people in that it's not Kathy?
Kathy interviews that she has no regrets at all about her plan to go poolside and be in a bikini to Paris Hilton. None! Actually, when they arrive, Kathy shouts "We're here, bitches!" so it's not like she's trying to sneak around. Paris tells Kathy she should make an entrance, like what about the "We're here, bitches" didn't Paris get? Paris coaches Kathy on how to walk, sit on a cabana seat, and so on. Now it's interview time!
Paris likes LA more than New York, because New York is fun only during fashion week. She likes Paris Hilton more than Paris, France; Kanye West more than Kenya; Martha Stewart more than Rachael Ray; and cannot answer missionary vs. doggie style. Paris is embarrassed! She tells her mom not to watch. Kathy interviews that she's up for any sexual position including some she's making up right now. Like the "Angry Badger."
Kathy asks Paris to demonstrate how she would get a "cute, model-y boy" to come take their picture, and Paris just calls out "Hey, sexy! Would you come take our picture with this camera phone?" She claims to be using a baby voice, but it's just the same as her usual voice. Kathy freaks the boy out by talking about his penis.
Now it's the part of the show where Kathy makes her special guest calls someone she couldn't get on the phone herself. Paris considers Katy Perry, but she's on tour. How about Snoop Dogg? Kathy is enchanted! Until she hears Snoop's hold music. Snoop eventually answers and Paris starts talking that Fizzle-Dizzle language that I'm pretty sure not even Snoop understands half the time. Snoop's having a dinner with a glass of Kool-Aid and sounds like a pretty good sport, even when Kathy insists that he come over and have sex with both of them.
Paris describes her usual Thursday night, which has like four afterparties. Kathy decides she can't come and they have a goodbye hug. Man, I can't believe Paris Hilton would let Kathy get anywhere near her. She's either an incredibly good sport or has no idea what's going on around her. Or possibly both.
Kathy returns to the clothing store from earlier to return her $14,000 worth of clothes. She claims that she already has all that stuff already and would like the credit on her card, not on store credit. And don't tell Paris. Thanks!
Back at the Griffin Estate, Kathy is preparing to fire Maggie off the Facebook job. Maggie hasn't been accepting everyone's Facebook friend requests. Kathy doesn't like the drunken videos, nor does she approve of Maggie posting "Two-Buck Chuck is on sale at Trader Joe's". How can Two-Buck Chuck be on sale? Is it "Buck-Fifty Chuck"? Anyway, Maggie's fired. Big deal.
Kathy makes up some stuff that she learned this week, like that scripted television requires knowing your lines and that Young Hollywood goes to parties a lot. And we're done!
week: Don Rickles! That is going to be awesome. And Betty White!
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