It's the day before the actual Grammy awards, and Kathy is testing her acceptance speeches on her mother. Maggie is a little skeptical about Kathy's plan to let loose a little more than she did on the Emmy show. Kathy's theory is that the music industry is more accepting than television, so if she wins, she can just bust out with Carlin's Seven Words right there in her speech. Maggie looks physically injured by Kathy's torrent of obscenity and recommends a more traditional acceptance speech, heavier on the "thank you"s. Kathy mentions that if she loses, her plan s to basically say "[bleep] you, Jesus, and the horse you [bleep]in' flew in on." Maggie would be proud of Kathy if she would congratulate the winner (although Kathy points out that everyone knows it's going to be George Carlin, who is a little too dead to be accepting congratulations). Then there is a little discussion of the way Maggie says "offend", which somehow ends up with Kathy saying "Who wants to be fisted, bitches?" Maggie claims that Kathy is really a very nice person, although Kathy says she learned all that cursing from Maggie "and the church."
Kathy's got a dress and some fancy new hair on. She claims to have some makeup on her vagina. I know you didn't want to know that, but if I had to hear it, you have to read about it. That's how this works. There's a frenzy of makeup and dress and jewelry and whatnot, while the sound effects people play NASCAR noises. Kathy practices some moves with Tom so that he'll know to catch her clutch when she throws it aside for a spontaneous pose, and they're off!
Kathy explains that she's in an evening dress in the middle of the day because her category is given away at noon, not during prime time with the big-time awards. Naturally, she calls her awards show the Shmammys. But she still has a limo and a red carpet. And because she's the biggest star there, she gets a great deal of squealy attention from the crowd. Kathy has to wait through the Best Polka Album until her category finally arrives. Best Comedy Album! She's up against Lewis Black, Flight of the Conchords, Harry Shearer and Comedy Legend George Carlin, Who Died Recently. Guess who wins!
We get a black and white retrospective of the Grammy-related events of the last two episodes. What a long journey it's been. But Carlin wins, of course. Kathy doesn't act out and flip everyone off, presumably because she has a great deal of respect for George Carlin. I mean, it's not that funny, but c'mon. It's Carlin.
Kathy leaves the award show in her limo and appears to go to a crappy Mexican restaurant with a prominently displayed "B" from the Health Department. Man, I don't think I've ever seen a "B". Considering the places I've seen with "A" ratings, I can't imagine what you have to do to get a "B". Anyway, Kathy is looking through the list of categories and complaining that she would have entered "Best Recording Package" or "Best New Age Album" (saying of the last one, "that's like a made-up expression") if she'd known all these other categories existed. She busts out the Seven Words again ("piss" and "tits" are actually not bleeped. To hear the other five, I encourage you to go listen to the routine. It's a classic!) and then buries her sorrows in Mexican food. Kathy and Tom assure each other that they're having a lot of fun.
That night! Kathy skips the big-time awards ceremony but does go to the lavish afterparty. There's a mountain of shrimp! And instead of hanging out with famous musicians, Kathy is aggravated by a hippie clown of some sort. She complains about being the biggest star at the party and then stomps home. Phooey!
Sad tinkly music plays as Kathy stands on the balcony of her incredible house and looks at her amazing view. She sits to her Emmys and pets her dog while her voiceover complains that she is a Grammy loser. As she sits at her table staring sadly into space, Tiffany enters with the news that Kathy's gotten an email from Bette Midler. Kathy claims not to have Bette's email address, although Tiffany points out that Kathy e-mailed her last night. Tiffany has printed out the email (it says "Awwww" with what we're told are "a lot of Ws") and Kathy, still acting sad, tells her to frame it. More maudlin complaining is eventually interrupted by Tom and Tiffany dragging a giant box into the living room. Kathy is disappointed that it's not a box of Grammys, but does seem pretty excited at learning that it's full of stuff from Paula Deen. I don't know who that is, so I'm pleased that Kathy promptly tells me that she's "the queen of down-home, southern-fried hospitality." And she's got a million cooking shows and cookbooks and wants Kathy to come visit her in Savannah. Kathy perks up immediately! She gets to go stay in Paula Deen's house! And she can bring Team Griffin! And Mike McDonald, who played a really annoying character on MadTV! [A couple, actually! But a funny one on Scrubs. - Zach.]
Kathy has to call Paula and thank her for the invitation and makes Tiffany say "Miss Griffin for Miss Deen" even though Paula is clearly not the sort of person who stands on ceremony like that. Once Paula's on the line, Kathy further insists that Tiffany claim that Kathy's in the kitchen cooking and makes loud footstep noises. Tiffany and Paula find these antics hilarious. Finally Kathy gets on the line and Paula's end of the conversation is mostly loud laughter. Kathy interviews that she doesn't care about the cooking but wants to learn about Paula's business secrets. Paula tells Kathy that all of her guests are treated like family, which means she'll have to pull her weight. Kathy explains that all she really knows how to do is make dick jokes, but Paula is not swayed, insisting that Kathy must have some kind of old family recipe or something. Kathy changes the subject to Paula's boys, asking about Bobby (apparently there's a Bobby) and casually mentioning, "my vagina happens to be free." Classy!
Kathy hangs up and asks Tiffany what she's going to make (because everyone has to make something). Then she's appalled at Tiffany's plan to use something from Rachael Ray's 30 Minute Meals. Hey, it's worth a try.
Kathy goes to her mom's to get cooking tips. Even though all she remembers Maggie doing is heating something up occasionally. Maggie is quite pleased that Kathy is going to get to go to Paula Deen's house and spend the night. However, when Kathy adds, "I wanna [bleep] one of the sons!" Maggie's shocked. You'd think she'd stop being so easily shocked all the time. Maggie's recipes are ham-and-spinach rollups (Kathy: "Euch!") and Sloppy Joes, which Kathy vetoes on the grounds that she can't brown meat. [Really? She can't put some meat in a pan and stir it at some point? - Z] Also it's supposed to be made the night before, which won't work on this schedule.
Welcome to Savannah! Kathy, Tom, Tiffany, and Mike (the guy from MadTV) all cme up to Paula Deen's house. I should mention that although I hate Mike on MadTV, I really liked him when he and Kathy went on that USO tour. Anyway, Paula comes out and is all Southern Hospitality and lets them into her home, which Kathy claims smells like buttery goodness. Paula says it actually smells like dog urine and that they should watch out for what she calls "turd alerts". They walk up the stairs (past one of Paula's Emmys) to the guest rooms. Kathy and Mike will be sharing a room, which makes Kathy worry. Oh, and there's some dog poop on the floor in the room. You'd think a celebrity like Paula Deen could do something about the dogs pooping on the floor. I know perfectly normal people and their noncelebrity dogs poop where they are supposed to: outside. [And I know that nothing she cooks will ever look appetizing to me again, knowing there's probably dog poop nearby. - Z]
Kath tells us that Paula's home is a lot more homey than Kathy's place, which is cold and masculine. Paula leads them outside, and for some reason Kathy insists that Paula use a branch as a switch and hit Tom. Then Kathy takes the switch and, as far as I can tell, whacks Paula in the face with it. I think the sound effect exaggerates it a bit, but she clearly hits Paula. Kathy claims that she was trying to hit Mike. She delivers an impassioned speech to future potential guests on the D-List, promising not to hit them in the face with a switch even if they deserve it.
Paula's Kitchen is enormous. You could film a movie with Bing Crosby and Christmas in this kitchen. Paula tells everyone to get to work cooking and then leaves them to it. Kathy does an interview where she tries out various cooking metaphors before finally settling on "I'm a shit-stirrer. That's practically cooking!"
Mike's making something with scallops. Man, I was hoping that when Hell's Kitchen wasn't on the air, I would be spared the duty of identifying scallop dishes. Tiffany is making something called "Tiffiladas". Tom's doing "frat boy pizzas", which involve English muffins and the microwave. Kathy's entire cooking process appears to be running a mixer for twenty seconds.
Paula enters, claiming that it smells delicious in there. I notice there's a whole shelf of cookbooks to the rustic mailbox. Kathy could easily have grabbed one of them. That Betty Crocker cookbook from the fifties is full of, um, food. Ideas. Of some sort. Salmon loaf. Or something. They make Tom go first, since his thing is sort of appetizer-y. He's got spaghetti sauce and mozzarella on English muffins. Paula claims it's good. Mike has scallops, cheese and wine. Paula says it's very good and tells Mike that she swallowed the food because she's a swallower, not a spitter. Kathy talks about swallowing and spitting, and you pretty much know where she's going. Tiffany's Tiffilada is kind of an enchilada casserole, and Paula is enthusiastic about it. Kathy has made something called "Cake soup", which we saw in Season Two. You take two slices of hot chocolate cake and put them in a mixer with a pint of vanilla ice cream. "And then you eat it at the corner when you're feeling sad and watching Oprah." Paula claims it tastes good, and I almost believe her. Then she tells everyone to get out and let her cook them a meal.
As Paula fries up some chicken (yum!) she tells us that she "cut 'em up a bit" when critiquing their food, and she hopes that they'll be kinder to her. Note that the harshest thing Paula said was "This is great!" She may not have liked the scallops, but she didn't say anything. When she's done, there's a lot of delicious food on the table and more guests appear out of nowhere. Including Bobby Deen, captioned as "Paula's Available Son." Kathy thinks if she hooks up with a Deen Boy, she gets an "in" for the South. [Like, she's allowed to go there? Or they'll vote for her in the election? - Z]
As everyone eats (after saying grace), Kathy tells the Deen boys that their show made her join the Cookie-of-the-Month club. Then she explains that when she talks about her "Happy Cookie Box," she can either be talking about her literal box for cookies or "the naughty parts in my pants." Bobby looks appalled, but Paula and Tiffany find this the most hilarious thing ever. To be fair, though, Tiffany finds everything the most hilarious thing ever. Then Paula's assistant Brandon is summoned. And I can't improve on his caption, which is "Paula's Drunk Gay Assistant". Everyone has a big laugh at Brandon, who is drinking gin and eating chicken. Then Paula and Tom start pulling their eyelashes off, although Paula's better at it. Since she pulls her entire false eyelashes off. Brandon laughs through clenched teeth in a way that I find very reminiscent of Paul Lynde. Everybody has a big laugh.
Kathy tells us that she's planning on having sex with Bobby tonight. Bobby is not on board with this plan.
Now Kathy and Paula are in Paula's enormous bed for the talk show segment. Paula is glad that she got success later in life and Kathy makes a fart joke because of the dogs snoring. Then a dog vomits on the bedspread and eats it up. Team Griffin swoops in to take the vomit away (Tom, like a gentleman, takes the hanky of vomit even though Kathy was handing it to Tiffany) and then swoops out. Kathy tells Paula about her dogs, which she describes as "just big pound mutts. The big 80-pounders." Yeah! I like a dog you can buy by the pound. The snoring dog on Kathy's lap is very loud. Also, adorable. Anyway, Kathy tells Paula she always takes pictures of everyone who works on her house because she saw on Court TV that most home invasions are by people who were hired to work on the house. The interview segment is over much earlier than usual, as Mike comes in and tells Kathy they have to go to bed. Mike's said several funny things, incidentally, but none of them quite felt recappable. Sorry, Mike! Anyway, Paula tucks Kathy in while telling her she has pretty milky white skin and looks like a princess. Then she tucks Mike in and tells them they look comfy. That's nice! It would also weird me out.
That night, Kathy and Mike can't sleep, partly because they keep saying horrible things to each other to make themselves laugh.
The morning, Kathy and Team Griffin go to Paula's gift shop, where they are met by Paul A. Deen. Kathy is enraptured: "You have your own drag queen?!" Paula and Paul A. have a staged confrontation, which culminates in a testicle joke. It's a pretty funny one, too.
Paula brings everyone to her restaurant on the theory that everyone should work at a restaurant. Kathy is in charge of handing out hoecakes, and she is careful to say "y'all" as often as possible. Paula claims at one point that there's a forty-top waiting outside, which is terrifying. Paula interviews that Kathy & Co are lousy restaurant workers. Yes, that's what I assumed. On Paula's example, Kathy kisses a lot of customers on the head.
Finally, there is a sad goodbye and a group hug. Bobby kisses Kathy, which leads to a herpes joke. Classy!
week: Kathy hangs out with Paris, and they call Snoop Dogg. Nice!
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