Kathy E-mail Watch: Zip. Who does a guy have to pretend to make out with for paparazzi photos to get some attention around here?
Kathy's opening stand-up snippet is all about Woz and his perpetual cluelessness. I would think that would be a bottomless well of material there. Back at the house, Kathy gathers Team Griffin to tell them that she's been asked to speak in front of a class at USC business school, due to her kick-ass managerial skills. "Such as?" is Jessica's not unreasonable question. It turns out that the professor is gay and a fan and asked her to speak. ...Yeah, that does tend to explain it. It also makes Kathy wonder if this is a "gay business" class or not. I wouldn't know -- I tend to keep my gay business to myself. Kathy says that they're going to help a lot of people this week, so Team Griffin should get their PowerPoint presentations ready. My prediction is that Jessica's PowerPoint presentation will be thrity-seven consecutive slides of her flipping the bird.
In keeping with the agreed-upon formula, the Team Griffin meeting is followed by the Maggie Griffin consultation/wine-tasting. They're talking about Woz, and Kathy's reading some emails he's sent her. In one he talks about one of his dogs making off with a loaf of garlic bread he brought home from the Old Spaghetti Factory. Kathy asks Maggie if it's weird that a billionaire would eat at the Old Spaghetti Factory, but Maggie thinks it's refreshing. Though Maggie quickly adds that if she had a billion dollars, that would not be her choice. If Maggie Griffin had a billion dollars at her disposal, the world would be so terribly awesome. Kathy continues to rail about Woz's small-potatoes retail and dining ambitions: Costco. Bob's Big Boy. Suits from the Men's Wearhouse. "Ooh!" Maggie perks up, "Your dad used to have some suits from Men's Wearhouse -- they're very nice." "Dad didn't have a billion dollars!" Kathy yells. Maggie just doesn't want Kathy to blow this simply because she's too good for Costco and Bob's Big Boy. "I don't want to go to Bob's Big Boy," Kathy wails in her interview. "I'm with a billionaire; I want to go to Fancytown. Or the Fancy Buffet." She almost cracked up at that last one. I love those moments.
Kathy phones the Gay Professor to find out what's the what for this USC thing. She interviews that -- shocker -- she's going to cater her whole talk towards gay business, because if everyone ran their business like the gays do, there would be no war. Or something. Gay Prof tells Kathy that his class is made up of juniors and seniors (of legal drinking age, he says), and Kathy says she's going to run some of their pre-submitted questions by Woz.
Speak of the socially awkward billionaire, here's Woz now! He's brought over a couple Segways in the trunk of his car, so he and Kathy can Segway around. Now, I'm not as up to date on Segway etiquette as some people, but doesn't it defeat the purpose of the Segway if you have to drive it around in your car? Anyway, Woz gives Kathy Segway driving lessons, which look kind of scary, what with all the leaning backward into nothing. Kathy interviews that it was fun, though she cheated death several times, and now she's ready for a meal.
And since the rule is that the Bob's Big Boy you mention in the beginning of the act has to get eaten by the end of the act, guess where lunch is? While they chow down on enormous-looking burgers, and Woz tells Kathy about the nerdy sport of Segway polo, Kathy interviews that perhaps she was wrong about Bob's Big Boy. Then we see that scene from the season premiere where Woz talks about all the "B"s in "Bob's Big Boy in Burbank," and how "B" is an important letter for math geeks because it's a "2" and thank god for the Woz fan who interrupts this by asking Woz to sign his iPod. What, was this guy just walking around with a felt-tip pen or something? You can't just sign an iPod with a ballpoint, you know. Kathy feigns indignation that this guy didn't recognize her, even though she didn't invent the iPod. "I just make dick jokes." And we thank you for that.
After the break, Kathy says that Woz has invited her to co-chair a charity ball to benefit dogs (called -- sigh -- the Fur Ball ...God help us all). She calls a Team Griffin meeting and says that the day of the... Fur Ball (ack), they're also going to be attending one of Woz's dorky Segway polo matches. Jessica and Tiffany talk about the modifications Woz made to his Segway, including a chip to make it go faster. Kathy interviews that she truly loves Woz's "beautiful mind." Back at the meeting, Kathy mentions that her friend Rachel True was asking about available guys that Woz might know, so Kathy figured she could turn the Segway polo match into a "man-hunt" for Rachel.
Rachel comes over, wearing this macramé top straight out of The Craft, so it's good to know she's kept a consistent aesthetic. Given that she's captioned as "the Bachelorette," we should have some inkling as to what Kathy's got planned for her. Rachel's game and says it'll be a nice change of pace from dating dumbass musicians and actors. Kathy tells her that, with these guys, she's probably going to be the hottest girl they've ever seen, and that rather than her usual gig of being a smart, capable, talented woman, she's going to be seen as a "dumb bimbo sexy bitch." Rachel says that's always been her dream.
USC. Gay Prof Kirk meets Kathy with flowers, which is my second indication that this is perhaps not the most academically pure speaking engagement. The first indication being that it's Kathy who's speaking. In front of the class, Kirk offers a "big Trojan welcome" to Kathy, which you'd think would be all the opening Kathy needs for a dick joke, but sadly the moment passes. Kathy jokes that she never went to college because she thought it was a waste of time, and now she has millions of dollars. But seriously, folks! Kathy talks about her first job (at a card shop/porno store) and the importance of internships (cut to a shot of Tom and Tiffany tooling around on their Blackberries and paying zero attention to Mrs. Kathy). Kirk then proceeds to ask her the Proust questionnaire, James Lipton style. Kathy's favorite word? Fuck. Brains turn her on, stupidity turns her off ("Can't fuck a dumbass"). The first question from a student is about Jessica, which Kathy grouses about in an interview, but in class, she warmly recounts the tale of a hyper-organized shampoo girl who she really hit it off with and who organized the shit out of Kathy's life. You guys, I really hope those rumors about Jessica quitting really aren't true! Kathy tells the class that there really is no set path to getting a job, considering her team consists of a shampoo girl (Jess) a MySpace recruit (Tiffany) and a dog-walker (Tom). Someone else asks Kathy about getting sued by people, and Kathy says she hasn't been sued yet; she really educated herself on the First Amendment and found that it's really difficult to be successfully sued for something you say, which she finds comforting. Oh, FYI, this whole thing is totally taking place on Ash Wednesday...or else that guy in the third row is in a cult. Kathy requests an honorary degree, and Kirk says he'll see what he can do.
Kathy brings her dogs by her pal Michael McDonald's place (he's captioned as a "Relationship Expert"), where she's asking for relationship advice. She mentions the Fur Ball, and I swear to god, I just wish Kathy would make a beaver joke or something because the name is so bothersome to me that I need its mystique punctured by comedy. Kathy talks about how brilliant but also down-with-the-people Woz is, and she says, "I don't even make him take me to fancy restaurants," and talks about trips to IHOP and Bob's Big Boy like they're good things. Oh, we're onto you, Mrs. Kathy. Michael gives the relationship six weeks, and Kathy interviews that he may be right. "Romantically, we just aren't clicking," she says. "Let's just say... he hasn't clicked my mouse." Yeah, we kind of gathered that.
San Francisco, which I guess is where the Fur Ball is being held. (Jesus, can I stop talking about where the Fur Ball is being held?) So now it's time for billionaire matchmaking with Team Griffin and Rachel True. Rachel manages to be more excited for Segway polo than Team Griffin is, but she also wants to be sure Kathy's briefed the billionaire dweebs club as to what Rachel looks like so there's no "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" situation going on. Kathy says that unfortunately, after extensive searching, no black billionaire computer geeks could be found. She interviews that Woz's pals will love Rachel, since they've all seen The Craft. "And then, you know, seen it again. With their right hand."
Team Griffin Rachel shows up to the Segway polo match. Woz is surprisingly enthusiastic about helping Kathy in her matchmaking endeavors. The first guy up, George, is "too much like Woz," per Kathy. Also, when she asks if he lives with his mom, he replies, "Well, my mom lives with me." That's right, George! Take ownership! Sadly, this gets George a big fat red "X" on his face. Neither Neil nor Rob live with their moms, and they're also wicked cute, so they are invited to sit on the picnic blanket, along with Tahoma, who's more in the traditional geek mode and also doesn't watch television (okay, where's my red X?). It doesn't seem any of these guys own houses, though, which seems odd for Silicon Valley billionaires, right?
Kathy and Woz observe from afar, Kathy comparing it to Beauty and the Geek. Tahoma digs himself deeper, talking about the crazy actress stereotype. He gets X'd. Kathy gets up on a Segway for a photo op, but Woz thinks she wants to play, so she kind of gets drafted onto one of the teams. Kathy interviews that she's not really into this. "I don't want balls flying at my face... well, not those kind, anyway." Obligatory joke, sure, but no less welcome. Kathy cluelessly rides around the polo... grounds? Polo field? Polo pitch? Whatever, she rides around and barely avoids falling off, and later she does some sideline commentary. Rachel takes to the Segway with much more ease and enthusiasm -- she's really getting around on that thing. Kathy asks her who's leading the pack, geek-wise. Rachel says George has been super sweet, and she also likes "the guy in the brick-colored shirt" (this would be Rob, and Rachel has good taste). Kathy says Rob will be going to the Fur Ball anyway, so good call.
After polo, it's off to Woz's favorite restaurant (how many favorite restaurants can one man have??), The Hick'ry Pit ("almost as nice as Denny's"!). So we've whittled the bachelors down to George and Rob -- George is the personable one and Rob is the cute one. Rachel asks them about what they do when they're not being billionaire tech geeks, which is when Woz starts talking about all of his leisure-time activities. Woz! You are not in the running for this! Kathy interviews that Woz was being a total "cockblock." We see Woz tell a series of weirdo stories and jokes. Kathy interviews that she admittedly started tuning out due to boredom, and the producers put visual thought bubbles above Kathy's head, so she's thinking about Chance... or the abs of a gay dude. Kathy tries to steer the discussion towards prescription medicine, as you do, and here's Woz again, barreling through with stories about how he never holds on to old pills or whatever. "Me either," says Kathy, faux-emphatically. "Use 'em up immediately," Rob jokes, and Kathy appreciates that Rob's at least got a sense of humor. Point, Rob!
Kathy gets all dolled up for the Fur Ball, as do Team Griffin and a totally cleavagey Rachel. "You look very nice," says Tiffany, as she gestures towards Rachel's bosom. Kathy wants to know what the wax-on hand motion over Rachel's boobs is all about, and Jessica explains that that's what they'd like to have. "Are you doing The Secret on her cleavage?" Kathy asks. It... appears so, yes. Woz and Julie show up, and Woz doesn't get Kathy's joke about him being all "pimped out with [his] bitches."
Teams Rachel and Woz walk the blue carpet (glamorous!), and Kathy and Woz try on their crowns as the king and queen of the Fur Ball. Kathy talks to some press and gets introduced to some butt-ugly dogs. She interviews about how rich the dog-owners are. Then, in an awkward moment that truly tops them all -- seriously, it's the Fur Ball, you knew something terrible would happen -- Woz's shrew of an ex-wife (or so she seems) is there, and Woz neither prepares Kathy for this nor introduces her. Seriously, Kathy, you're better off. Kathy and Alice make uncomfortable small talk while Woz... talks to Alice's dachshund. Uh huh. Kathy doesn't love how chummy Woz and Alice are acting.
Rob and George show up, and Woz continues to dominate the conversation, but not quite as much. But instead of nodding off this time, Kathy runs into former Olympic figure skater Peggy Fleming... who is hammered. Hammered! Kathy pushed Peggy into Tom, and she starts telling him about how she's been married to him for thirty-seven years. Woz geeks off about how thirty-seven is an awesome number because it's a prime number and then he calculates pi to seven hundred decimal places or something else. Not feeling Woz this week. Kathy interviews that Woz's geekery drove away the nonstop entertainment that was drunken Peggy Fleming. On the bright side, Rachel and Rob really seem to be hitting it off, so Kathy's happy.
Kathy and Woz take the stage to perform their royal duties or whatever. Kathy's inappropriate and Woz is awkward, you know the deal. Kathy interviews that they're not quite the comedy duo that she thought they'd be. It devolves into Kathy cursing and haranguing Woz for donations. Kathy scores with some American Idol jokes (I know how that goes, lady), and she gets some big-money donations, too. So the event turns out to be a success, even if, as Kathy interviews, it would have been easier if Woz had just bought the pound himself.
In a development that's both jarring in its bluntness yet also wholly unsurprising, Kathy's like, "So Woz and I stopped dating after the Fur Ball." She says there was no chemistry there, like, no kidding. But she says they're great friends, which I do buy. We get a Kathy-and-Woz montage of all the geeky good times. Kathy thinks he's a special guy, and she's happy to have him in her life.
Epilogue, delivered in caption form: "One month after the Fur Ball, Steve got engaged (obviously not to Kathy). Rachel and Rob, the geek, still remain in close contact... via e-mail." Yeah, but did she hit that??
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Joe R would hit that. He can be reached for comment via email.