Kathy E-mail Watch: Nothing yet, but hearing from Kathy after one recap would be somewhat anti-climactic, and I feel she has a better sense of timing than that.
Kathy opens with some stand-up about the lagging sales of her "Everybody Can Suck It" t-shirts. I can understand that. I'd much rather buy a shirt that said "Wheat Sale" on it, but I'm esoteric like that. Kathy gathers Team Griffin and announces that they'll soon be touring in Tom's hometown (some bumfuck burg in Missouri), as well as Tiffany's hometown (some bumfuck burg in California), and this is important because Kathy wants to use their local celebrity to push the merch. She ponders a sales contest, and when prizes like hugs and blowjobs are met with (at best) indifference, Tiffany suggests new Blackberries. Shaking down the boss...Tiffany's really come so far in one short year, hasn't she?
Kathy has the merch people over for a meeting about her lagging apparel sales, and since she's suggesting an "Everybody Can Suck It" shirt, obviously this is the perfect time to bring her mother in on the discussion. Maggie takes generous gulps of wine at the sight of Kathy Griffin boxers; she doesn't care for "Everybody Can Suck It," but at least she thinks "Holy Fuckballs" will sell.
So, okay, there's "D-List," and then there's going on Tom Green's internet talk show that he broadcasts out of his house. I don't even think you have to be on a list to do that gig. Tom appears to have gone even balder in the years since he's faded from the public view. He and Kathy banter for a bit about Woz and Woz's affinity for Bob's Big Boy, before Coolio shows up at Tom's door. See what I mean about not having to be on a list? You've won an Emmy now, Kathy. You should be on Tyne Daly's internet talk show fielding questions from Ted Danson. Kathy and Coolio talk about how they met on some Funniest Home Videos-type show, then Coolio gets to plug his upcoming show on the rebranded Oxygen (where yellow is the new pink and nothing is what it seems). Oh, corporate synergy, how you disgust me.
Anyway, proving that even the slummiest gigs can have an upside, Kathy gets an idea from Grammy-winning Coolio that she should go for a Grammy as well. She calls up this gay-focused record label (which...okay, but how many Scissor Sisters albums can one label crank out in a year?) and speaks to this guy Matt. He suggests going for the Best Spoken Word category, and when he explains how that category has seen the likes of Bill Clinton and Maya Angelou, Kathy's intrigued, though it seems they settle on gunning for Best Comedy Recording instead. Because it "makes sense." Whatever. Kathy knows why the caged bird sings! Why won't you let her tell everyone?? Kathy interviews that she wants to record the album on her tour stop in Tracy, CA (Tiffany's hometown), because that venue has great acoustics.
On to St. Louis, hometown of Nelly! And also Tom! Kathy decides to invent a holiday called Tom Vize Day to better capitalize on the whirlwind of publicity Tom's return to Missouri will no doubt cause. They hit up the local radio stations, and Tom, like the lovable goober he is, can't really think of anything to say, so Kathy does all the talking. I am as shocked as you are. The radio guys play a faked-up version of "Bette Davis Eyes" that makes fun of Tom's porn-watching habits, then the mayor of St. Louis shows up to officially declare it Tom Vize Day. Kathy, sadly, does not advise the listening audience to celebrate Tom Vize Day by going home from work early and beating off.
Tom's brother, Bill, stops by Team Griffin's hotel room at the Westin (ah, the Westin -- gooooood times). Bill's a cop and also, according to Jessica, totally nuts. We're forced to wait out the commercial to find out just how nuts, it seems.
After the break, we see Bill is captioned as "Loose Cannon," and we soon realize that Kathy was stuck with the less extroverted -- but also less trigger-happy -- Vize brother. Tom notes that Bill and Kathy together make for a scary combination indeed.
More publicity at the local TV station, where Bill busts Tom's chops for getting made up to go on air. Normally I find this kind of gay panic distasteful, but that delicate little lip gloss brush was pretty egregious. The TV host lady totally ignores Kathy in favor of sharing hometown stories with Tom. The ratio of fake-perturbed to real-perturbed in Kathy's attitude is indeterminate.
Back at the hotel, Team Griffin finds that ticket sales for the St. Louis show had a spike in the last day, which means Tom Vize Day was a complete success. Kathy calls for "one more" parade around the table for Tom. Jessica shows zero enthusiasm for the parade, sad as it is.
The day, Team Griffin meets Bill, who has brought the requested instruments of police oppression. A billy club for Jessica, a tazer for Kathy, some handcuffs for Tiffany...this is like Christmas for fascists. Kathy interviews that the tazer and cuffs weren't even real, but the fear on Tom's face probably was. The girls start chasing Tom around and deliver a fake beatdown. Bill provides the useful tidbit -- learned in the academy, natch -- that you're supposed to say "Sir, stop resisting" while beating down a perp. Needless to say, Tom is asked to stop resisting quite a lot in this segment.
Later, Bill complies with Jessica's earlier request to go to a shooting range. Jessica and Tiffany are psyched about shooting guns, to an unseemly degree. See what happens when you go to the Midwest? They're a half-rack of ribs away from becoming total stereotypes. Kathy gets freaked out by the kickback after firing her round. She notes that the gun recoiled almost back up to her "second nose." Tiffany's and gets similarly weirded out. Jessica, who I totally thought would go all Angelina Jolie on this, acts like a total girl too. Only Tom is "gun-psycho" enough to run through a whole clip. ..."Clip"? Is that the right word? And the thingie you press on is called a "trigger"? Okay.
It's time for the show, and Team Griffin needs to sell 200 shirts in order to get their new Blackberries. Tom and Jessica sign a bunch of shirts, while Tiffany is very upfront with fans about their tech-motivated sales. Backstage, Kathy's dismayed that she's probably going to have to pay out those Blackberries after all. And those hugs and blowjobs.
Kathy's show starts, and she runs through most of Team Griffin's St. Louis adventure before getting to the important stuff: the Paula Abdul material. They keep cutting away to various reaction shots, including -- more than once -- this big fat guy who's there with his wife who looks barely amused to be there. Safe to say he probably didn't buy a t-shirt. After the show, Kathy utilizes her Billy connection and rides a police escort through the lobby of the theatre. She also reveals that while merch sales were up, they fell well short of the 200-shirt quote for Blackberries.
Now it's Tiffany's time to shine, as we're in Tracy, CA. Which...has a lot of cows, it seems. There's actually a shot of a tumbleweed rolling across a field, in case you were curious as to what kind of town we're in. Tiffany stresses that while all her friends were farmers, she was not a farmer herself. She and Kathy appear on a Sacramento morning show (via satellite) and end up getting crunk with the near-teenaged reporter and some hard-boiled eggs. Which is just how you party in Tracy, it seems.
up is a print interview at some fancy-pants tea shoppe. I say "shoppe" because, what with the lace tablecloths and brass candleholders on the walls, it feels appropriate. So while once again the interviewer is more interested in the local celebrity, in this case Tiffany, Kathy busies herself with the "delicious trays of lady treats" displayed on the dessert table. "Lady Treats" is totally going to be the name of my line of sex toys for the discerning modern woman. The reporter, Paul, isn't a fan of Kathy's and only knows what she's done via his meager, last-minute IMDb-ing. Way to ruin it for the rest of us who came by our knowledge that she played Sally Weaver on Seinfeld honestly, Paul. Kathy decides to treat the interview as a lunch instead, gorging herself on her lady treats. "Gorge yourself on our lady treats" is going to be the tagline for my "Lady Treats" line of sex toys. Paul looks on like a bewildered lump as the tea shoppe lady has to take away the dessert trays, lest Kathy eat herself to the point of exploding.
That night, some fancy-schmancy member of the Tracy elite throws Team Griffin (specifically Tiffany) this rather posh reception at what appears to be a villa. Guess the cows are sleeping outside tonight! The hostesses present Tiffany with a gift: a "Mr. Gucci and Mr. Prada," which both Kathy and I totally thought were going to be strippers, but instead were, like, high school kids who want to...court Tiffany? I don't know, it's weird. But I would totally support a Bachelorette-esque show starring Tiffany. Then, Kathy is presented with this tacky-looking bag, and inside the bag is a chicken. A live, rather frisky chicken. Working hard to shed that farm town image, eh, Tracy? So the chicken shits on Kathy's shoes, runs around the villa, nearly gets chased by a cat, and then some yahoo throws a pile of red cocktail napkins behind Kathy's back, to which she darts around asking, "Did it shed?" Afterwards, interviewing about the whole harrowing experience, Kathy hears a horse whinny and gets spooked anew. Way to scare the outlanders with your livestock, Tracy.
In order to recover, Team Griffin heads out to a local bar to meet up with Tiffany's friends. Tiffany and Co. can apparently really put 'em back, because the whole evening is one big round of shots (whoever thought of naming a shot a "blowjob," so that one might order a round by saying "we all want a blowjob" is a genius), many of which get spilled on Kathy's Chanel coat, for which she gets fake/real indignant. Kathy does pay Tiffany the ultimate compliment, saying that Tiffany could maybe hang with her mother, drinkwise. I smell a drinking contest for the season finale!
After the break, Team Griffin stops by Tiffany's house, and Kathy is psyched to meet Tiff's grandma, Millie, who called in and helped Kathy sell crap on HSN last season. Kathy wants Millie to help sell merch at the upcoming show. Millie says she sure will...but what about these phones that are too big to fit in Tiff and Jessica's purses? Millie! Stumping for new Blackberries! Best grandma ever. Kathy interviews that Millie is a "terror in a muumuu," and that she and Kathy's mom together would be like "Hitler and Mussolini in an old folks' home." Ha!
Before the Tracy show, Kathy meets with the gay record label people about their game plan. They discuss naming the CD: what has a better ring to it, "Kathy Griffin's Grammy Award-Winning CD" or "Maya Angelou Live"? They discuss publicity stunts to help the CD sell; Kathy seems pretty keen on adopting a gay crack baby. Oh, Kathy, haven't you spent enough of your life hanging out with Andy Dick?
With Millie's help, t-shirt sales are robust out in the lobby. Inside, Kathy pimps Tiffany for some cheap applause before launching into some Woz material (the man likes Men's Warehouse, what can you say?). Kathy deems the show a wild success, and Team Griffin will get their new Blackberries because t-shirt sales topped 200. Let's hope Mrs. Kathy gives Millie one too.
After the break, Kathy delivers the new Crackberries to Tiff and Jessica. Tom looks on forlornly, as he is wont to do, and whines that it might have been nice if he got one too. "You said you didn't want one," Kathy says. "You said you just wanted a hug and a blowjob." Tom considers, then asks where those are, then. Kathy gives Tom a big hug, then asks Tiff and Jess if they could please blow Tom after opening the mail. Hey, no one said the D-List was glamorous.
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Joe R has a super funny email signature, but the only way Kathy's going to know just how funny is if she emails him herself.